Oh definitely.

Hello, Strangers!

2009-10-06T13:42:00.003-04:00

Well, I wasn't sure I'd ever post on this site again, since all my web-goings on are happening over at follow my bliss. And I'm pretty sure that the three or four people who check this particular site on a daily basis are just checking it to hop over to follow my bliss for the real non-weight-loss related updates. But, surprise! Here's a post I'm writing more for my own accountability and recording of my weight loss journey than anything else. It's nice to be back. :)

First of all, this past September 27 was my SEVEN YEAR anniversary since joining weight watchers and embarking on the journey that would ultimately net in my losing 115 pounds. I cannot believe - and I can believe - that it's been seven years. That's a long time and I think it's safe to say that my own personal "tipping point" took place long ago. I'm no longer the fat, unhappy girl who struggles with her relationship with food and her motivation to exercise like I was back in the day. And I haven't been that girl in years. What a blessing to have gone through that fiery time in my life and emerged victorious. I'm not cured, but I'm managing just fine.

That brings me to the present. Lots is going on in my world, but like I said, anyone who's reading this probably knows it already, so I won't go into the details. My current relationship with my weight, though, is something I rarely discuss in specific on my other blog.

In short: Things are good! I'm happy and healthy and I feel good about my ability to maintain my weight within this range. So I lost the 115 pounds, which culminated at the end of 2005, I believe. Then, I maintained that weight for a while. I was still "trying" to lose more weight, but it wasn't happening. I was just maintaining where I was, and that was ultimately okay.

Then I got into a new relationship and started to realize how "HERE" I really was in terms of finally being a thin, healthy person. So while I grew accustomed to that girl and while I got used to be in a serious relationship as a thin, healthy person, and while I started to do more "normal" things I hadn't done in years, like eat more than one slice of pizza, order Chinese food at 2am, have 5 beers because I wanted to have fun with my friends, I slowly started to gain some weight back.

It wasn't a devastating thing by any means. And in the end, I only gained around 20 pounds. Sure, 20 pounds sounds like a lot, but when you've dealt with losing over 100, 20 pounds is what it is. All you can do is stop the bleeding and move on as quickly as possible.

I'm actually glad I regained that weight. It was a bit distressing at the time, but I was also finally reteaching myself to live in the real world, without being "in the process" of losing weight like I'd been for the three years I spent getting the 115 pounds off my body. It was fun to let myself do some of the things I'd avoided during those three years. And I was never a fanatic by any means, when I was losing the weight to begin with. I always let myself indulge occasionally, never pushed myself to exercise in a way that seemed too far to me - that's probably why it took 3 years for me to lose all the weight. But the slow and steady progress was a good thing for me. And gaining the 20 pounds back while I learned how to eat a donut and let it go without having to immediately write the points down somewhere, was also a good thing for me. I continued to exercise and count my points during those two years, during those 20 pounds gained, so I never left the program or the process, I'd just loosened the reigns a bit.

Then, at the beginning of 2008, after about two years of slowly putting those 20 pounds back on, I decided enough was enough and I was going to finally lose those 20 pounds again. I felt ready, after two years of being more relaxed about it all, to refocus, recommit myself to some more serious exercise, to eating healthier things and making my weight a priority again. I was ready to do it and happy to do it. I got my "play time" out of my system and I no longer felt remotely deprived or like the odd man out who had to always be aware of how many calories was in something, because I let myself play around for those two years. It was time to get back to it.

But, it was also time to really strike a balance. How can I really make this the rest of my life? Again, when I lost those first 100 pounds, I wasn't depriving myself or unhappy with my lifestyle. But I still knew I was working toward a goal - that I had weight to lose and that there would come a time when I wouldn't have to focus so much on it. So when I faced losing those extra 20 pounds again, I really wanted to find a way to make a healthy lifestyle work for me forever - something that didn't have an end date.

I did get caught up in the excitement of losing weight again. And I worked out a lot (still nothing crazy, but probably more than I could maintain forever) and really enjoyed making a big push to get the weight off. I still ate mostly what I wanted, while keeping track of it. And I was able to lose 10 pounds over the course of the year. That might not seem like a lot but it was a great victory for me. I was doing it all by myself, I wasn't going to meetings or working with anyone, and I was able to make a concerted and genuine effort that paid off over the entire year. I felt really good about that progress. I knew I'd never drop 3 or 5 pounds at a time like I used to. Approximately a pound each month was good enough for me. I felt great.

I entered into this year, 2009, with that 10 pounds gone. I gained a bit of water and sweets weight over the holidays, but I was able to get that off pretty quickly. I continued with my commitment to exercise and continued with my philosophy on eating, which was that I ate what I wanted and practiced moderation. I never stayed within my points, nor did I during 2008 when I lost those 10 pounds. But I kept a record of what I was eating, said no to food from time to time, practiced restraint when I felt that I needed to, and maintained a sense of balance in my life about the whole thing.

Then I got sick with the stomach flu over the summer. I was deathly, painfully ill for a whopping 36 hours, but it ravaged me. I haven't been that sick since I was a child. I couldn't keep anything down and wanted to die. It sucked. And it blew an entire week of exercise.

It was next to impossible not to keep myself from freaking out about the fact that I hadn't worked out, but I had to let it go, because honestly? That's a little nuts. I didn't like who I was when I obsessed about not having exercised in the week before, during and after my Killer Illness 2009. That wasn't balance, that was kooky-town.

So I took some stock after that. I thought, you really need to learn how to avoid letting how much you exercise determine how good you feel about yourself. Of course, there's a direct correlation between exercise and mental wellness. And I knew that and wanted to maintain that in my life, yes. But I also knew that what was mentally UNwell was how much I relied on whether or not I exercised to feel good about my body that week. Silliness.

So I intentionally exercised less, and lo and behold, I started to want to exercise less. It was nice. I didn't change my eating too much, though. I still kept track of it and was naturally less hungry because I wasn't burning so many calories each week, but I basically ate the same.

And I gained about 5 pounds.

Now, this is not a big deal at all to me, again. I'm not upset at having gained 5 pounds, I'm not disappointed in myself. I sort of expected it to happen. Of course I'd hoped to just maintain my weight, rather than to combat having gained a little bit, but I'm not surprised, nor am I distressed. I do plan, however, to put a little focus back on it, a little spotlight, and lose those 5 pounds. Maybe another 10. We'll see!

So I did something on a whim that sorta surprised me, but feels like a good move. I rejoined Weight Watchers! Wahoo! I'm glad I did this. I'm even going to go back to meetings. I haven't regularly attended meetings in years and I'm really looking forward to the experience. I used to go to a fantastic meeting on Fridays at lunchtime and I'm pretty sure it's still there. Just 45 minutes there is like a whole therapy session, and much cheaper, so I'm excited to go weigh in, see old familiar faces, and sit my butt down to learn what's new in the world of weight loss.

They have a deal going right now, buy one month, get the second free. So I did that, which means I'll be a WWer for at least two months. I'm using the online system, and still going over my points every day - classic Jen - but I'm eating less than I have been in recent weeks and that's good for weight loss.

I'm still not back to working out how I was before I got sick / had that epiphany about the fact that I was obsessed with exercising. And I don't want to go back to a place where skipping a week of workouts makes me unable to think straight. But I do want to rediscover a safe, healthy routine that I enjoy and makes me feel great. I've still been working out for these last few months, don't get me wrong. It's just much less than it was. Instead of 6 days a week, I'm doing more like 3-4. And I plan to continue along that path, but with just a little bit more awareness and intent.

I haven't gone to my first meeting yet. I rejoined online on Saturday and I think I'll go to a meeting this Friday. It's fun! I'm having a good time counting points, something I'd quit doing in favor of keeping track of calories instead. And I like logging onto the website and reading their articles and feeling like I'm part of a weight loss community again.

There is an aspect of it that's almost makes me feel like a chronic hospital-goer. Meaning, I don't want to have to lose weight, but now that I'm back in it, I think I sort of like the distraction of this project. I have a million and one things going on in my life right now that I cannot control or don't know how to address, and this is something I know I can handle and something I know I can improve. I had two breast surgeries in my early twenties, when I was fat and unhappy. And even though I didn't, by any means, like being in the hospital, it was kind of nice to have the distraction from my real life - having nurses and doctors tend to me, having only to focus on healing my surgical wounds, rather than on healing everything else in my life that needed healing. Being tended to and helped by these professionals made me feel safe and comforted, even if the circumstances surrounding it were unpleasant. Returning to WW feels a little that way. Having a few extra pounds to lose and going back to a familiar place of healing and being tended-to is kind of nice, even if it would be all-together nicer not to be dealing with any of it at all.

I suppose I like how it feels to control my weight. And that's something I want to have power over right now, while so much else in my life feels in flux.

So, I'm back! For the time being anyway. I have no idea how much or little I will write here about the process. But I wanted to come share where I am. It's a fluid, ever-changing balancing-act, learning to be a healthy person when you once suffered from an eating disorder. But I embrace that fact. I'm comfortable with the idea of having to manage this "disease" that once plagued my entire life and is now just an afterthought that I have to tend to every few months. When I told Kevin, my boyfriend of almost 3 years, that I was going back to WW on a whim, he said he thought that was great, loves me and how I look today, but he understands if I want to revisit my old processes. He said he loves how I'm constantly evolving person who picks something up, works with it for a while, recognizes when it's not as effective as it once was, and puts it down to pick up something new to try on for size. He said he respects how responsive I am to my own being-human and how impressive it is to see someone being tuned into their own needs without judgment or self-loathing, but only an eager spirit. I mean, that pretty much swept me off my feet. ;) It was nice to hear and I let those compliments wash over me and be true. Because they are.

I'll let you know how it goes!! Thanks for reading. :)

2009-03-16T18:37:00.010-04:00

Another unintentionally long break between entries on this blog. Apologies.

Here are some photos from the trip I took to Miami for my friends' wedding! (It was really fun, I had a great time - there was dancing, drinking, laughing, fighting, laying in the sun - a well-rounded trip. The weather was amazing, I overate on a few occasions but also exercised on a few occasions and mostly returned to New York unscathed and slightly tan.)

Kevin and me on South Beach!

Rebecca the bride, my good friend Clayton, me, and Rebecca's grandmother - at the rehearsal luncheon.

Some of us all dressed up for the big event, waiting for the bride to emerge from her suite. ;)

Sara, me, Faryn and Katie - A mini photo-shoot by the hotel pool before we headed across town to the church. It was a really lovely evening.

This is NOT the entire wedding party, in fact. Just 7 of us, and the bride and groom. But this IS the my entire sketch comedy group. The bride and groom are in the sketch group and they asked all of us to be in their wedding! It was an honor.

Dancin the night away! That's me, Kevin, and my good friend Faryn in the background.

And to top off a great weekend, I found $20 when we were making our final walk to the hotel to collect our bags! It paid for our cab to the airport. :)

A great trip.

I'll write an official post about real life in the next couple days.

You guys!

2009-02-24T19:15:00.001-05:00

It's been far too long since I posted on here. I've been busy posting over here on follow my bliss, but I've also just been busy, in general. Same old story.

So, let's see.... Well, we found an amazing new brunch spot in our neighborhood.

I couldn't decide which photo of my breakfast quesadilla to share with you, so you're getting both.

This thing was to die for. Eggs, guac, cheese, pico de gallo, other stuff I can't remember. It was heavenly.

The place is called Enduro. We'd actually been to there before, for dinner. It's like THE one place within just a few blocks of our apartment that we feel comfortable going to for a sit-down meal. We've got plenty of take out options, but most of the actual sit-down restaurants in our neighborhood aren't exactly places I'd trust to prepare my food. Luckily, we're a short walk from a really trendy restaurant neighborhood, Park Slope, so we go there a lot.

This past Saturday morning, we decided to see if Enduro was open for brunch. Neither of us felt like cooking breakfast and we were both really hungry. And luckily, they DO serve brunch, so we went. We wanted to try everything on the menu.

And *blush* we woke up Sunday morning and decided to go back! Ha. We ate there for brunch two days in a row.

I am a Mexican food freak. It's almost a fetish. I'm in love with Mexican food and probably eat some version of it at least 3 times a week, if not more. All my favorite restaurants are Latin-themed in their flavors. Don't get me wrong, I love lots of cuisines, but my default is Latin.

ANYWAY. Things are pretty good by me. I'm struggling through the winter - although at this point, I'm almost immune to it. I want to kill it, die, and kill it again 100x a day, but that thought has moved to the back burners of my brain, rather than occupying a spot right up front like it was doing when the cold weather first began. Suffice it to say, I cannot wait for warmer weather. We've had little tastelettes of it recently, a few 50 degree days, one day in the 60s (holy mother of God that was delicious). They're just enough to whet my whistle and I've made good use of them.

I am, however, going to Miami next weekend! My good friends Chris and Rebe (who are also members of the sketch comedy group I'm in) are getting married! This wedding has been planned for quite a long time. I, along with 100 of my nearest and dearest, witnessed the engagement itself last December, because Chris proposed to Rebecca during a sketch comedy show - in the last sketch of our last show of 2007. None of us knew he was going to do it. And there was not a dry eye in the house. Fun night. They've since had plenty of festivities to celebrate their impending nuptials and next Thursday, we'll all finally head down to Miami and watch them make it official.

Rebecca is from Miami (Chris is from Long Island, NY) and I'm sure it's going to be an affair to remember. She has eight (eight) attending ladies, which boggles my mind. But I think it will be really fun. Both of their families are a fun bunch, all of our friends are crazy fun people, and my sketch group itself is like a big family. We've traveled a lot together in the 4 years we've been a comedy group so this will feel just like another HST trip - but with marriage!

I'm looking forward to it. There will be several different parties, lots of drinking, hopefully some laying in the sun, definitely some dancing, and plenty of wearing Miami-style outfits and Miami-style make up. I have no idea what that last part entails, exactly, but I do know that I MUST go out this weekend and buy some stuff to wear because I have NOTHING that's fitting for a night out on the town in Miami. And I also know that our bridesmaids dresses? Are short hot pink halter topped dresses. And we will not be wearing bras. So.

I'll post pics if I can stand to look at them myself. ;)

That's next weekend. In the meantime, my head is spinning. Things at work have shifted around a bit (more on that in a minute); The two women who own the house Kevin and I live in (we have the first floor of a three-story brownstone) are most likely selling the house and moving home to Texas soon (we will probably get to stay as tenants), so they're showing the place, which obviously means we have to keep the damn apartment clean, de-cluttered, and neat looking. (Ugh. There's no TIME, ladies!); Comedy stuff is busy right now - my improv group is ramping up into another year, and that involves lots of little details like new postcards, new photos, creating a logo, getting some press to cover us, making promotional videos, etc. - and I'm team "captain" so I stress about how much I'm doing (or not doing) to help it all along. (Luckily the team is comprised of awesome people who are awesomely productive and on top of stuff). HST is sorta treading water right now while we all prepare to go down to Miami, but we're still rehearsing and doing shows every week, so it's still a big time commitment; And besides all the usual stuff (gym, healthy eating, boyfriend lovin', day job, night job, etc. etc. etceraaaaaaa), I'm trying to leave my job and go do something else that makes me happy. Figuring that out is, in and of itself, a part-time job. I'm really glad I'm doing it, and I have no other choice. But the point is, I'm overwhelmed. I know the task of being a mother is an incredibly overwhelming one too, but sometimes I imagine that if and when I ever get pregnant, I'm going to breathe a huge sigh of relief knowing that I have a really good excuse to quit doing some of this stuff and just BE for a little bit. ;)

Work: long story short, they let one of the attorneys go in order to downsize. They're trying to save money. Then they suggested to the office manager that she also let an assistant (which is what I do) go. She said no. They said, come up with another option, then.

So, since one of the attorneys I assist is the guy who they let go, I'm naturally the assist who's job is on the line, since my workload just got cut in half. I did NOT get laid off, thank god. I did have a dream over the weekend that I got laid off. And then I came in on Monday morning and had a conversation with the office manager where she told me that I could have been, but instead, they're going to combine the job I do now with the receptionist position they've been trying to fill lately, get rid of the temp receptionist, and I will do both jobs. They'll move my desk up to reception (so, basically, I'll be the receptionist) and I'll still assist the other attorney I work with from that desk.

A few thoughts about this: 1.) Whatever. Fine. As long as my salary doesn't change, who cares. 2.) I could see it as a bit of a smack in the face, since it's not very glamorous to be a receptionist and the assistants in this office sort of take higher status over the receptionist a lot. 3.) Thank god I don't care about that stuff. 4.) I think this might end up being a really good thing. I won't be sitting next to the two coworkers who drive me batty anymore and I think I will have more free time. No one can see the receptionists computer, whereas people walk by my current computer all day long, so once I'm up there I will be able to blog, research my next step, or go on facebook a bit more privately. :) So I'm seeing it as a little nod from the universe that I'm on the right path with my quest to leave my desk job. I've been yearning for a little bit of time and space to focus more on my own stuff - and every little bit counts.

Weight loss: It's all good. For a while, I thought I'd made a mistake with my calorie calculations and the extra points I was giving myself. I had a relatively high week of food consumption and definitely felt like I'd put on a pound at the end of it. I panicked a little, went back to checking the scale daily, ate a tiny bit less each day (just like 3 points less, actually), and the scale responded and returned to it's rightful place in the world. Phew.

So, as of this morning, I'm on track to meet my goal to lose 2 pounds in the month of February! My official weigh-in is March 1, which is this Sunday. So I need to keep a check on my habits between now and then. But I think I will meet the goal. I'm THRILLED that this is the case. I set a very reasonable, very low goal. The very purpose of doing that is so that I might be able to actually achieve success. And it feels good to know it might happen. I saw the lowest number I've seen in several years this morning. I just smiled.

I've been good with exercise, as usual, although this past week, I skipped going to the gym on a couple days when I normally would have forced myself to go. But I thought, Eh. I don't want to. So I didn't. It made me slightly crazy, after the fact, to have skipped those workouts. Probably mostly because I have to wear a HOT PINK MINI DRESS IN A WEEK. I'm making exercise a priority this week so that I will feel as best as I can when I get down to Miami. I don't really care how I look quite as much as I care how I feel. If I'm feeling thin, fit, and healthy, I will be happy to strut my stuff in that dress.

I'm doing yoga religiously. It's changed my whole body. I'm thinner in places I never expected I could even lose weight. I zipped up an old dress the other day for the first time in who knows how long. I know it's the yoga. My arms, my upper torso, my thighs - everything. Granted, I've been doing some hard yoga at times (and some easy stuff other times), but most importantly, I'm doing it about 4 times a week. My body is loving it.

I'm running, walking, hiking, ellipticaling, and stair-stepping too. I like to mix it up with the cardio. I try to lift once a week as well, just for the hell of it.

An interesting thing I've noticed lately is that my sweet tooth is in overdrive. I could easily spend half of my daily calories on sweets. I don't, but I want to. I save a solid 5-8 points a day to spend on some kind of chocolatey sweet something. It's just how it is.

That's the update. Gotta post this and get outta the office. I've got a sketch comedy rehearsal tonight until 10pm, and THEN I have to go home and "de-clutter" our apartment so the landladies' broker can take photos of our apartment tomorrow. Ugh. I can think of a million other ways I'd rather spend my evening. But blah blah, right? :)

My weekend and my weight loss.

2009-02-16T13:20:00.013-05:00

Kevin and I went to Philadelphia for Valentine's Day weekend! We had fun, and it was nice to get out of the city for the weekend. A good friend of Kevin's from childhood invited us to see a Ben Folds concert in Philly on Saturday, Valentine's Day evening, so Kev and I went down on Friday night and made a weekend out of it.

We caught the train down from Penn Station. Kevin had to work on Friday, but I called in sick so I could be part of a segment that the Rachael Ray show shot at The PIT, the theater where I perform with my improv and sketch comedy groups. I didn't have to be there until 1:30pm so I spent the morning cleaning, packing, exercising, and getting organized. The segment taping was a fun, easy afternoon. I had a great time and am excited to see it when it airs. (I'll try to mention it if I find out.) We were done shooting by 4:30pm and after I grabbed a quick bite, I met up with Kev and we hopped on the train.

We arrived in Philly two hours later and dropped our stuff off at the hotel, where we had a room on 24th floor with a nice view.

Then we headed back out for a really fun dinner at a place called Friday Saturday Sunday. It was lovely. We really liked the food - we shared a salad, a few "small plates" and a bottle of wine. The atmosphere was cool and romantic and I had a nice time.

When we got back to the hotel, a little tipsy, I proclaimed, as I often do, how much I wish we'd picked up some chocolate or a sweet treat. And what did my sweet boyfriend present to me, but a big box of Godiva truffles. He knows me. And he's awesome. I was elated. We shared three of them.

We woke up late the next day and eventually made our way down to breakfast at the hotel.

Breakfast was not that good and it was over-priced, but it did the trick and we had fun people-watching and hanging out.

And then we headed out to sight-see! It was a chilly afternoon, but we had a really fun time walking around, taking in the different neighborhoods and tourist attractions. I'd never been to the city of Philly before (only to the outlying areas) so Kevin showed me around.

It was a really good day. In the evening, we met up with Kevin's friend John and John's wife Casey. I'd never met them before and Kevin's known John for years, so it was great to finally get to know them. We had dinner at a cool place in some part of Philly - no idea which part - and eventually made our way to the concert. I don't know much of Ben Folds music, but what I do know, I like. It was a good time, a little bit long to be standing up, and I couldn't see that well, but the music was great and I enjoyed myself.

After the show was over, John and Casey drove us back to their new house in a Philly suburb and we stayed the night. They were very gracious hosts and we had a comfortable night's sleep. They have two cats who were really adorable and snuggly. The cats slept with us, which I loved.

We slept in the next morning and after Casey served us a yummy pancake breakfast, they drove us to the train station that afternoon. We were back at our apartment by 5:30pm. We were glad to be home. We really enjoyed our trip, but it also reminded us that we love living in New York right now. Plus, our cats were glad to see us.

All in all, it was such a great Valentine's weekend. We aren't huge on this holiday, but we don't ignore it completely either. And it was mostly a perfect excuse to get out of town, do some different stuff, and spend time alone together. Kevin planned and organized the whole thing and made sure I was having a good time at every turn. I'm madly in love with the guy and our relationship is a wonderful aspect of my life.

We came home to some sweet Valentine's cards from our parents, along with a little spending money from my mom and a suggestion that we treat ourselves, so we turned right back around and headed for Park Slope to go to our favorite restaurant, Santa Fe Grill. We briskly walked the 35 minutes to the restaurant and we were starving by the time we arrived. The food was amazing, as always, and we each had a margarita, and split a second one.

We spent Sunday evening crashed out in our apartment, me watching TV and stealing a couple pieces of Godiva chocolate and a couple homemade cookies here and there (woops!), and Kevin finishing a video he's been editing. I was dead tired around midnight and was asleep before my head hit the pillow. Kev stayed up working on his video and woke me up this morning to say goodbye before he left for work. I fell BACK to sleep, and slept until 11:30! I couldn't believe it. I was dead to the world. It was amazing. I must have really needed the sleep after two nights of staying up way past my bedtime, eating weird things at odd times, and generally being away from my usual routine.

I have today off work - hooraaaay!! - and I've really taken advantage of it so far. I've done NOTHING. And I love it. Sometimes I stress myself out by trying to cram a certain amount of "relaxing" and me-centered activities into vacation days like this one. I end up half enjoying myself and half obsessing about what time it is and how I'm going to get to do all my enjoyable things before nightfall. So silly! So I've taken my body's advice, let myself off the hook for having slept so late - I honestly couldn't have helped it if I wanted to - and I've lazed around in the living room. I've watched some tv, had my coffee, done some email checking, web surfing and blogging, and I finished the rest of my (really delicious) veggie burrito from last night's dinner. It was my breakfast and it was just as good, if not better, than it was last night. I'm still in my pajamas, wearing my glasses, and it's now almost 4pm.

Hi.

The cats are in the same state.

My current plan is to get dressed and make my way out into the world in the next hour or so, after I find some lunch in our bare kitchen. Then I'm going to go to the gym and do whatever strikes me for as long as I feel like it while I'm there, then I'll go to Trader Joe's and stock up for the week. I might also buy some ingredients for a few baking tests I'm thinking of doing later today. :) Then I plan to come back to the apartment, make myself some dinner (I need to cut back on spending for a while - I've been eating out a lot lately), do some yoga, and putter around the house. We'll see how much of that gets accomplished. No pressure either way.

I have really needed this weekend, it seems. Life, as usual, has been moving at quite a clip lately. When I'm not busy doing things, I'm busy coming up with things I want to do. It's not an awful way to live, but the contrast of this downtime is divine. I feel pretty relaxed right now, and even though there are things on my to-do list that are un-done, I know where my priorities are and things will get done as they will.

Next week is an incredibly busy one. I have something every night of the week, which is not unusual for me, but it hasn't been the case in for a couple weeks in a row now. So I'm currently spoiled and too used to this leisure. It's going to be challenge to fit in exercise, comedy rehearsals and shows, and my dayjob in this upcoming week, so the more I can power-down today and just organize myself and my house for the impending whirlwind, the better.

Food and exercise-wise, I'm feeling good. Here's a bunch of long paragraphs about it: ;)

I have to admit to scale-hopping a couple times since my Feb 1 weigh-in. *Blush* It has been hard to stay off that thing, but I've only gotten on it once or twice, and I am vowing not to do so again until March 1. I think I got on it partially due to an addictive need - I am more interested in that number than I want to be, I fully admit that. But I also got on it partially due to a desire to check in on where things stand.

I have come to a pretty significant realization recently, in my weight loss efforts: The amount of calories that I should consume per day, as suggested by Weight Watchers, is a lot less than what I actually should be eating in a day, in my opinion. I'm talking about myself now, and do not claim to know what is right for anyone else. This is just about me.

First of all, I have a suspicion that I burn a lot of calories in a day. Not only do I exercise religiously and pretty vigorously almost every day, but I also tend to be very active when I'm not exercising. I've said it before - I really think traversing the city every day can burn upwards up 300-400 extra calories a day. Despite almost always choosing healthy, filling natural, organic, nutrient-rich foods, I get hungry often and easily. If I don't eat 5-6 small meals a day, I will be ravenous. I'm very hungry right now. So I think I don't always realize what I'm burning in a day.

Even though I do try to consume a little bit more food to make up for those extra calories burned, I still think the amount of food WW suggests I should eat is too little, because I don't WANT to be losing 2+ pounds a week. I wonder if that sounds crazy. But it's 100% honest. I would much much rather lose .5 pounds a week, or even .25 pounds a week over the course of several months. It strikes me as bizarre to realize that I have been "losing weight" for over six years. Out of the last 6 years, I have spent probably a total of 4 of those years shedding weight, bit by bit, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly. There have been periods of gain, but the majority of the time has been spent losing weight at varying paces. And losing weight at a faster pace is honestly a feeling that is not a comfortable one for my body. When I'm in that state, I'm cold all the time, I'm usually hungry a lot, I'm more susceptible to headaches, I don't feel comfortable in my own skin, I feel like I'm becoming thinner and my body is changing shape and size at a pace that makes me uneasy. When I lose weight at a slower pace, I feel secure, I feel like I'm living a healthy lifestyle that's natural by-product is slow and steady weight loss. And in THAT comfortable state is how I want to live while I work to finish meeting my weight loss goal.

If I ate the amount of calories WW suggests for someone my age and height to lose weight on their program, I'd be eating anywhere between 250-700 calories less each day than I have been eating consistently for the past year. And I lost 10 pounds last year. Granted, as I continue to slowly lose weight, I'll have to eat a little less and a little less in order to compensate for being thinner, but that tends to happen naturally for me anyway.

I have done a lot of research in the last several months about how much I should be eating to slowly lose weight. Also, there are plenty of online calculators out there that allow you to plug in your age, your height, how much weight you want to lose and how long you want it to take. It spits out a calorie-range you should stay within every day in order to achieve that goal in that amount of time. If I convert that range into WW points, the number is as much as 10 points higher than what WW suggests I eat to lose weight at what is likely a much faster pace.

Now, I'm not remotely suggesting that WW is promoting eating too little to lose weight. I think their program is a very healthy, smart system. I lost 115 pounds attempting to follow it. I say 'attempting to' because I never followed it 100%, by eating only the amount of food they suggested I eat. I did my best to eat that amount every week, and succeeded or came close a lot of the time. But the rest of the time, I didn't. My eating was still enough of a departure from what I'd been eating when I was maintaining my obesity, that the weight came off even when I slipped up.

What I am suggesting is that for me, now, 6 years into this journey, I'm very comfortable in my body, hovering currently around 15 pounds above the weight I'd like to maintain forever, and I need and want to be eating more than someone who's looking to drop 2 to 3 pounds a week or someone who's natural lifestyle isn't very active. The choice to make this change in personal perspective is important for me because it has been very psychologically beneficial.

I'm no longer looking at it like I'm eating MORE than I should be. I'm looking at it like I'm eating exactly how much I should be. I'm still losing weight, as predicted, slowly. But I'm eating, net (after exercise), about 6-12 more points a day than I "should" be, according to WW. The old mindset finds me telling myself, "You did your best, but it wasn't perfect. Try again next week." The new mindset says, "You are making moderate, smart choices that have put you within the exact range you're aiming for. You are a success." It has a big psychological impact but how many calories I'm consuming hasn't really changed. I feel, now, that rather than making a forgivable mistake, I'm actually succeeding with flying colors. And that little bit of positive self-talk like that goes a long way. I feel better about myself.

I'm not sure where my weight will land when I weigh-in on March 1. I'm hoping for a 2 pound loss for the month. It could be something more like 1 pound, but I'm okay with that. Because I don't have all the proper systems to measure what I'm actually burning and consuming, I can only use an educated guess. All I know is that every single day, I'm making the best possible choices given each and every circumstance and I have been doing that for a long time now. I avoid eating when I'm not hungry, I stop eating when I get full, I satisfy my sweet tooth every day, I rarely if-ever overeat to the point of discomfort, and I try to get in as many nutrients as possible every day. So even if my food consumption is more than WW says it should be, it's exactly right for my current lifestyle. I'm not sure I could make dramatic alterations to the way I eat even if I thought I needed to. I have been eating intuitively and re-learning, every day, how to stay thin, for a long time now. I just had to realize that that's what I was doing and it's perfectly in line with my goals. I had to change the rules, not the method. It's precisely and exactly where I want to be.

updation station

2009-02-03T11:18:00.001-05:00

Finally updated the links over there on the right to include my favorite blogs, and to include my new pretty blog. :)

Feels like forever...

2009-02-02T19:18:00.001-05:00

...since I last posted. Same excuse as always - busy, stressed out at work, not enough time in the day, blah blah blah.

I have, however, been pouring myself into a new online activity that I've yet to mention on here, I just realized.

I started a new blog! It's called "follow my bliss. " Now I have three blogs. Three effin blogs?! Jeez. I know, I know. But I feel justified.

This blog is and always has been focused on my experience losing weight and staying healthy. Sure, I write about other things on here, but the healthy lifestyle is my focus on this blog. Also, this blog is the blog that I'm the most 'myself' when writing. I don't tell many people about it, don't really know who reads it, and try not to censor myself too much on it. It's for me. So I can express myself, celebrate milestones, complain about stuff when I need to, and work things out when I want to. It's also to keep a few very important friends updated on my life, since it's much easier than emailing them all individually.

There's also my tumblr blog, which I've kept up for the last year for fun. I can post quick, easy stuff that my "real life" friends enjoy a bit more than they would a blog with long rambling entries about how many slices of pizza I had last month. The tumblr blog probably won't get much action for now. I haven't used it much lately anyway.

So that brings us to the new blog! I'm so excited about it. I love it and even though I just started it a week ago, I'm having a blast taking photos and coming up with content for it. It's basically a place to discuss and chronicle my journey to leave my desk job and find my dream job.

I've talked on here a lot in the last two or three months, maybe even a lot in the last year, about wanting to change jobs and, more importantly, change lifestyles by no longer working at any kind of desk job.

Kevin suggested that I interview people about their dream jobs and write a blog about it. And I took it a step further and decided to write a blog about my own search, hopefully encountering other people who've done the same thing along the way. I'm hoping that the very process of writing the blog will encourage me to keep searching, asking questions, observing, and creating opportunities for myself - all while producing a creative history of the whole experience. I'm also hoping that opening up myself to the people I know (or even the people I don't!) will provide me with more options, suggestions, and open doors than would be available to me if I just sat in my living room and talked to my boyfriend about what I want. Not to mention, I'm a firm believer that if you ask the 'universe' for what you want, you're very likely to be open to it when it comes along. So that's the reason I'm doing it. It's a great experience so far. And I just ordered a new camera! So that will make it even more fun. :) I'd love for you guys to read it.

Beyond that, work is a bear right now. Just busy and tiring and making me want to quit and get a job at a grocery store until something else comes along. I probably won't do that, not yet anyway. But I WANT to.

Kevin started a new job too, as I mentioned, and it's certainly been a period of transition in our house. We're making and eating breakfast together every morning, which is fun, and we've done yoga together a couple mornings before work, but it's certainly an adjustment to have neither of us home during daylight hours. We're having to spend much more time cleaning/doing laundry, etc. on Sundays than we've done in the past. It's working itself out, but I know we'll be thrilled when we one day live on a beach and read books for a living. ;)

So. Food/exercise/weight. Until Sunday, I hadn't weighed myself since January 6th. I was in a groove of weighing myself every damn day for quite a while. That habit didn't really bother me, necessarily, but the battery on the scale died on January 6th, just as I was getting on it for my daily weigh-in, and it seemed like a little sign. I was battling a slight gain from the holidays and sorta sick of staring at the number each morning, so I thought, You know what? I'm not gonna rush to get a new battery. I'm gonna see if I can go until February 1st without weighing myself. And I did! (It helped that there was not a working battery in the scale. I'm thinking of taking the new battery I just got OUT of the scale and hiding it somewhere until March 1, as to avoid the temptation of the daily weigh-in.)

I'm glad I did this. Because it has really cleared away some mental clutter for me. It's not that I was focusing too much on the number on the scale, so much as I just always knew what it said. And while that's not necessarily a bad thing, it was also just extra information - meaningless information when noticed daily - that I didn't need swirling around in my brain. I like the feeling of just eating well, working out, making balanced choices, listening to my hunger, and waking up the next day to do it all over again with only my clothes, my food journal, and my conscience as my accountability.

It also helped put into perspective for me what my true goals really are. I want to lose 20 pounds this year, from what I weighed this past January 1st. Totally doable. And the beauty of that goal, is that it means I need only lose less than 2 pounds a month. I'm not in ANY hurry to lose these 20 pounds. I've never been as thin as 20 pounds less will make me, not since before puberty anyway, and if my body wants to go there, it will. If it doesn't, it won't. So we'll see what happens. The only way to know if my body is comfortable with the shift is to take it nice and slow and easy. No rushing, no racing, no obsessing over numbers. Just good habits that have good consequences.

So, drumroll, between January 1st and February 1st, I lost 4 pounds! Not bad, eh? Now, of course, the January 1st number was definitely inflated by some questionable food and alcohol choices in the days leading up to that weigh in. But that caveat noted, I still lost 4 pounds! I'm really proud of this. I probably would have been proud with 2 pounds, frankly. As long as I didn't gain weight, who cares.

I did the math and in the last 32 days, I've averaged a total of 37 points consumed per day. This does not include any calories burned from exercise. I'm formally burning an average of 300 calories daily, or earning 3 activity points daily. (I don't workout daily, but some days I do 60-90 minutes, some days I just do 30 minutes, and some days I do nothing formal for exercise.) I also walk around this damn city, up and down subway stairs, and several blocks to and from work, home, and rehearsals/shows every day. So that's probably an additional 100-200 calories burned that I don't even think about. I don't count the extra stuff like walking around the city, nor do I count the 20 minutes of yoga I do most mornings, since it's really just intensified stretching. (If I do 45-60 minutes of yoga, I'll call it 1 or 2 activity points.) But I do religiously consume the activity points from my formal exercise. So that means I'm consuming, on average, about 34 points a day when factoring in some exercise. Weight watchers tells me that someone of my height should be consuming an average of 27 points a day in order to lose 1-2 pounds a week. If I want to lose an average of .5 pounds a week, if that, then I'm right on track, it seems, to do that.

Granted, I could always reign in the eating - who couldn't. And I really don't know exactly how many calories I'm burning in a day (I have been yearning for one of those little gizmos that tell me that info), nor do I know exactly how many calories 34 points in a day actually is (I'm sure some days my math in terms of points-counting is way off and something that's 200 calories gets called 2 points, when it's really more like 4). But I lost 4 pounds this month, so who cares.

So. I'm going to attempt with all my power not to weigh myself again until March 1st. It's gonna be tough, I'm sure, because inquiring minds want to know. But I have enjoyed the mental freedom from it all this month. I've also enjoyed the lack of self-punishment, however small or large, that comes along with seeing a higher number the morning after a dinner out or an evening of sharing wine with friends. It's not necessary to punish myself, even if only for a moment, about completely reasonable indulgences like those. Weighing myself less has lessened that negative voice too.

That said, I'm going attempt to eat a bit less this month. If I'm not careful, I might gain weight. So I want to be sure I'm keeping an eye on things. And I'm going to do my best to keep my exercise where it's been - 4-5 times cardio each week, 3+ times yoga, and 1-2 times lifting/resistance training. My goal for this upcoming month is to lose 2 pounds. Seems reasonable enough.

I have an unexpected night off tonight. Mondays are usually my improv practice nights, but our coach is sick and a few of the rest of us have been feeling under the weather, so we decided to skip it entirely. I'm glad we did because I had a hectic weekend and I could use the extra night of down time. I was planning to go get in a nice workout, but I'm thinking I might opt out, having worked out 5 out of the last 6 days, and go out to dinner with my sweetie. I might even have a drink! I don't really have the points for a big dinner, so I won't go crazy, but I'm might indulge a little. After all, I have a month to make up for it. ;)

FRIDAAAAAY.

2009-01-23T18:57:00.001-05:00

Whew. Almost through another day.

I came in late to work today, which was brilliant. Kevin has a bad flu and has been seriously down for the count for the last three days. I woke up in time to get to the office at the normal time, but I was just exhausted and as I laid there, the thought of getting up, doing some yoga, getting dressed, making breakfast, and helping my sick boyfriend wake up and resituate himself was more than I could imagine accomplishing in enough time to get to work on time. So I went back to sleep. :)

I woke up a little later, around 9, and emailed work and told them I'd be a few hours late. It was a great decision. I was able to get a boat load of dishes done (I've been really on top of keeping the house clean and tidy lately, but with Kevin being sick and home making messes that he's too sick to pick up - there's a slight backlog), make a pot of coffee, wake up the sickling, help him get inspired to finally take a shower and put on some normal clothes, tidy up his little area where he's been camped out for the last three days (he's sleeping on a little bed we made in the living room so as not to infect me), do a power yoga session (yesss!), AND make a pot of steel cut oatmeal for us for breakfast. It was a really nice morning. It's sunny and warmer this morning (high of 47 today! yes!) and the sun was streaming in the window, the cats were lounging around, and I was really grateful just to have a few extra moments to myself. Whew!

I convinced the sickling to put on a coat and walk me to the subway (about 2 blocks away) because I knew he needed to move his body, get the blood pumping, get some air into his cells so they can breathe a bit, and get some much needed sunshine on his face. He complained about it, but I think he was secretly glad I forced him outside for all of ten minutes. He's been cooped up in the house for so long, the poor guy. He's still feeling shitty today but I'm hoping the fever has mostly broken and that the aches will begin to subside soon enough. I hate to see him like this - he's so uncomfortable.

Once I was on my way, the train took its sweet time, which means I ended up being about 30 minutes later than I predicted (putting me here at 12:30, when we are supposed to be here at 10), but it was fine. It was very quiet here and everyone was in a cheery mood because of the sunny weather. Plus one of my bosses was out today. Thank god. I welcomed the lightened workload for the day. I spent some time doing personal stuff and some time banging out some work crap, ate lunch (egg salad sandwich) at my desk and just had a pre-exercise snack (small bowl of organic cereal with rasp/blueberries), and now the day is practically over.

I had a daydream on the way into work that the firm should start giving each assistant (there are 5 of us total) a "late morning" once a week. Where you can come in 2 hours late on your set morning without having to specifically request it. Someone else could cover your attorneys while you're out. I thought it was sheer brilliance in the moment, but I'm pretty sure that's never gonna happen....Alas. A girl can dream.

I'm thrilled that it's Friday. I need this weekend badly. We were slotted to go see Kevin's parents and sister/sister's husband/sister's tw0-year old 30 minutes outside the city tomorrow, but he's too sick to risk it, especially with a two-year old running around. So we'll stay home. I will miss getting to see them, because we haven't seen them in a while, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't grateful for the unexpected day to myself.

Tonight, I'm going to go kick my own ass at the gym after work. I'll probably have a good hour to spend there and I'm looking forward to it. I'm going to do probably 20 minutes on the stair machine and then a bunch of resistance and ab stuff. The power yoga was good this morning, but not enough to count as a resistance day. It will feel good to sweat and strain a little bit.

I'm doing really well on food-consumption this week. I'm not having terrible trouble staying within my points and I'm stopping when I'm full. I'm not sure if not being able to check the scale every morning has helped that or not, but not weighing myself right now is fun. It's actually taken a lot of the focus of off obsessing about the numbers/calories/points and just allowed me to listen to my body. We had chinese food last night (because I was not about to do all the dishes just so I could cook and make more dishes) and I enjoyed it a lot, stopped when I was full, and that was that. And then, as a special treat for the sickling (who ended up not having any at all! hmph!) I brought home Ben & Jerry's Cookie Dough Ice Cream! I had about a 1/4 of a cup of it with a sprinkle of some granola on top and it was just to die for. It was plenty, even though it was a very small serving. It tasted so rich and decadent that I didn't need more than the tiny amount.

After the gym tonight, I'm going to meet up with Daniel. We're gonna go get Chipotle (I'll get a salad) and sip cheap margaritas. :) Should be fun. Then we'll probably go back to his apartment (my old apartment) to hang out with our friend Randy, who is moving to LA in a little over a week! Gah! I feel bad leaving Kevin at home alone after he's spent the entire day (actually the last 3 days) sitting on the couch staring at the TV by himself, but he insisted I go out, be social, and enjoy my Friday. What a guy. He's seriously such a sweetness.

My massage last night was really nice. It wasn't the BEST massage I've ever had, but it was perfectly enjoyable. I spent a nice long hour laying on that table letting her pamper the hell out of me and it was lovely. And so cheap! I'm glad I went.

This weekend doesn't involve much: I've got a show on Saturday and a birthday party after the show, but beyond that, I'm gonna relax, exercise, do my yoga, and maybe cook some meals! Oolala! Oh and I'm also in the market for a new camera. I think I'm going to start a new photo blog about something very near and dear to me. So I might try to purchase one this weekend. Fun.

2009-01-22T19:04:00.001-05:00

Things have been so annoyingly busy for me at work this week. I am thrilled to be finally - huge sigh - taking a break to sit here and do nothing but blog. I'm way overdue on this thing.

I wrote a post a week or so ago - with lots of detailed bullshit about all kinds of stuff - and I took it down. I decided it was way too inner-monologue/to do list to be healthy. And it was boring even for me to reread.

So, how am I. Well. I'm getting through each day. The last 3 weeks have been tough, to be honest. Some days are easier than others and I'm certainly not miserable by any means. But I'm not really happy and content right now either.

Work remains hard for me. I've been doing my yoga, reading excerpts from "The Power of NOW" about how to avoid becoming all tangled up in my own negative thoughts and experiences, about how I have control over how I react to my experiences. I've been sleeping 8 hours a night, exercising 5-6 times a week, eating well-balanced healthy meals, taking vitamins, reading, spending time with friends. But none of it takes away that I'm not happy at my job, which is where I, obviously, spend the vast majority of my time. The personalities, the tasks, the environment, the pace, the lighting, the smelly toxic printer that sits two feet from my face, the commute, the relationships - I'm struggling with all of it.

One of my bosses (I assist three people total: two attorneys and one administrative manager), A, dislikes me. I'm not sure why this is. His mother passed away at the end of the year and I'm sure it was an incredibly painful thing for him. She'd been dying of cancer for most of 2008. So his overreacting passive aggressively to every minor mistake I've made is understandable. I cannot imagine the pressure and stress of losing a parent, especially a relatively young parent. Anyone would be likely to lash out where ever possible.

Even so, it's created a bit of stress for me. He's sometimes condescending to me, quick to judge me, quick to passive-aggressively reprimand me, assumes the worst in almost every situation with me, and I'm pretty sure he doesn't keep it a secret to his colleagues. He also barely speaks to me and asks me to do things that he could and should easily do. My workload is enough that I don't need to be placing every outgoing call he makes. Even H, the partner I assist (A is just an associate), makes his own fucking phone calls.

In contrast, my other two bosses really like me, think I'm good at my job, we have pleasant, friendly interactions, they communicate to me their concerns when something I've done needs improvement, but not in unpleasant ways, nor with the preconceived assumption that I'm a moron.

I've definitely screwed things up at workplaces in the past in my life. I'm a smart girl, but I often don't give a shit. It's not a great personality trait in most workplace environments. I've been fired, reprimanded and punished. I've also been praised, adored and applauded in the workplace. It depends on the job and on my mental state in my life at the time (you can bet that when I was depressed and fat, I wasn't fun to work with; when I was depressed, fat, and homeless, I was the best employee you'd ever find - because I needed the job).

So because of my checkered employment past, I sometimes wonder if A is right: I'm a screw up, a daydreamer, I don't try hard enough, I don't care enough, I think jobs grow on trees.

I know that those things aren't true, though. I know that I work hard here, put in my hours, get my job done, am pleasant and thorough and attentive to my bosses. So he can kiss my ass.

They were going to switch assistants, give him someone new and me a new attorney to work with. And then they decided not to, decided that he's blamed some things on me unfairly, that he needs to learn to express what he needs and not be so passive aggressive. Apparently he was really unhappy to hear that they decided not to switch assistants. I have access to his email and I was looking for another work email when I found one he wrote to a friend. I stupidly read it (then again, he stupidly wrote it from his work email) and in it he wrote that he was having a shitty day, and one of the two reasons he listed was that "they decided not to switch assistants like they said they were going to." That made me feel about 2 inches tall. Stupid of me to have read it, but I did.

Kevin reminded me that this guy was also upset with his holiday bonus, complained to the partners about it, and refused (unbeknownst to anyone but me) to do any work for the last week of the year because of his bonus wasn't what he'd expected. So Kevin pointed out that A's being upset that they didn't switch assistants is more about him feeling like he can't get what he wants from HIS bosses, like they don't do what he asks them to do and he's not being respected by them, rather than it being about him desperately wanting a new assistant. I thought that was a fair point. But it's still an unpleasant relationship in my workplace.

A isn't the only reason I don't like it here. I just feel trapped. And I knew when I started this job over a year ago that a.) I would stay for a year and a half or two years (but no longer) as a thank you to the office manager for hiring me back when I really needed the job and b.) this job was a necessary stepping stone so that I could stop temping, pay off some debt, and have health insurance again. So it's not surprising that I'm anxious to get the hell out by now. I'm right on time, in fact. I feel trapped, resentful of my time not being my own, and generally disgusted that offices exist to begin with. Sure, they are necessary functions of society. They are also places that can suck a person's soul if you don't like what you're doing. And I don't.

All of this has taken its toll on me. Despite my best efforts with all the yoga, etc., I'm still constantly sore, tired, and have to fight the urge to be grouchy a lot of the time. It could be seasonal, or chemical. It might also be circumstantial. The point is, I'm exhausted. Mentally and physically exhausted. I grew a pain in my back this morning, from moving the wrong way in my office chair. Its acute and digs in sharply when I breathe in. I'm pretty sure that that would not be the case were I not sitting up at a desk, typing on a computer for 9 hours a day. It just hurts my body. And I KNOW that to complain about it is actually only making me sicker. So I'm trying to keep perspective and see it all as neutral - my thoughts about it are what's negative, but the actual circumstances simply 'are.' And I can control my negative thoughts if I stay in the moment. Easier said than done, of course. But it feels good to bitch about it on the blog just the same. ;)

I went to the doctor yesterday. I wanted to get a referral a sports medicine doc for all my aches, pains, and spasms of late. I am way too active not to be on top of that stuff. I also went to talk to her about my emotional state. Down, tired, headachy, irritable, low sex drive, sore.

I left the appointment feeling less than thrilled with her handling of my concerns. My feelings about the appointment might just be the current lens through which I'm viewing the world: "Less than thrilled." But whatever the reason for my feeling unheard, I didn't get much help in the way of the depression issue.

I felt like she was talking to me as though it were my first day being a human. Saying things like, "Well, it's normal, given the current state of the economy to feel a little down. Everyone goes through tough times. We all go through patches that feel blah."

Huge eye roll. Yes, lady. I know that. I'm alive and have been for years. I just told you that I've been feeling down, not like myself, and that I've had a low sex drive for over 3 months. I just told you that. It's not the economy. Trust me.

She basically told me I could see someone, wait it out, or...maybe...just maybe...in the case of there being a chemical imbalance, consider anti-depressants.

I told her I thought it might be seasonal. She said, "Get a light."

She had me fill out a questionnaire. Textbook anxiety and depression, she said.

She asked me if I wanted to consider seeing someone. I told her that I was not opposed to it but that I really couldn't afford it, even though insurance covers some of it. I also told her that I used to be extremely depressed in my late teens/early twenties. And that I was in therapy for 5 years. So I know the tools and the coping skills. I get it. It was very helpful and positive, therapy, and I am, for all intents and purposes, content in my life right now. Aside from my job, things are good.

So then she went back to the thing about everyone going through down times. She said it's impossible not to walk around in the state of the world today and not feel some stress or level of anxiety or depression. Sure. I agree with that to an extent. But I don't quite think that's it. Oh, and did you ask me if I'm worried about money or my job security? Because I'm not. And if you had asked me, you'd know that, and you'd quit telling me that I'm probably just stressed about the economy. I'm not. I promise.

She encouraged me to get enough sleep, exercise plenty, eat right, relax when possible. I said, "Well, I do yoga 3-4 times a week, I do cardio and resistance training 5-4 times a week, I sleep 8 hours a night every single night, and I'm incredibly conscious about what I eat." She said, "Well thank god you do that stuff!"

....okaaaaay.

I just felt like she was talking to me like I was 12 years old. I wanted to scream at her, "LADY. I'm sitting in front of you telling you that I've had this battery of symptoms for an extended period of time. AND I'm telling you that I used to be actually clinically depressed in a bad way and in hardcore twice a week therapy for it. So why on earth would I be sitting in front of you explaining these symptoms to you, a doctor, if it was probably just the economy-blues?! Don't you think I know my body and mind well enough, after 5 years of therapy and a significant experience with deep depression, to know when I'm just a little down verses when I'm feeling chemically off? I do everything you just suggested to help with depression. EVERYTHING. And I do it all with more frequency, regularity, and investment than most people my age. SO IT'S NOT THAT. It's NOT that I'm not sleeping enough or that I'm not eating the right things. I DON"T EVEN DRINK. Did you even ask me that? If I drink? Or if I'm using drugs? No. You didn't. You just assume that I am bummed because of the global climate. Just down in the dumps right now. I should probably just eat better, right? That will fix it. Do you think I'm retarded? Are YOU retarded?" That's what I wanted to say. I didn't, of course.

It was just inane. I felt like I was talking to a dumber version of myself, not to a doctor.

It's not even that I necessarily want to go on medication. And if I were to go on medication, I'd want it to be a very low dose of something that I could go off of easily. But I don't want the idea that this might be chemical to be swept under the rug with her "Go to the gym!" broom so easily.

All that said, after staring into her dead eyes for ten minutes, I didn't press the issue further. I didn't want to play doctor and suggest a drug for myself, to walk out of there with a prescription for Zoloft that I'd talked her into giving me. Because that's not what I'm looking for. I'm looking for something mild, something maybe structured to treat someone seasonally. And I might not even be looking for that. I'm just looking for someone to look at my actual history and my actual habits and say hm, it's probably chemical. And when it's chemical, you do have the option of taking medicine to help you. Or, hm, it's probably seasonal. Here are your options. Not, hm, you're stressed because of the Dow Jones.

I know that when I get out of this job, I will be infinitely happier. I know that it's not just (or maybe not at all ) the people and the environment. I know that I'm also someone who LIVES to be outside, who loves the sunshine, even when its cold out, loves to exercise and be active. I am someone who does not like sitting in front of a computer for long stretches of time, nor am I someone who has ever functioned well having to be somewhere at the same time every morning for 5 days in a row each week. The idea that entire days of my young life are passing me by in 9 hour chunks, while I sit here inside this room with people who's priorities are so vastly different from mine, is so painful to me.

So I'm going to trust that planning my escape route over the next few months and handing in my notice by the end of next January, if not sooner, is going to bring me some more contentment. I'm also going to trust that the day I actually turn my back on my office career forever is going to be one of my happiest. And I'm lastly going to trust that the return of the sunshine and warmer weather will be lovely.

I needed to get out of debt and get my fiscal and tangible life in order. This job helped me to do that. Now I need to help myself onto something more fulfilling.

But eff that stupid doctor. I do not like her.

In much lighter news, my improv team was kept together for 2009, and two amazing ladies were added to the team, to fill in the slots of two people who left the team last year for personal reasons. We had our first show of 2009 last night and it was a blast. We had so much fun and I know that improv is going to be a saving grace for me this year. The people, the community, and the art form itself are all very healing. And last night's show was no exception. I had a lot of fun. It's also a slightly earlier time slot than my Wednesday night shows were in 2008. So I'm glad for that as well.

Exercise and eating right, as I noted above, is going really well. The blip from the holidays is behind me and I'm back on track and feeling great. My scale's battery died a few weeks ago and I've yet to replace it. The freedom from weighing myself every day has been really nice. I like to weigh myself a lot. But I hadn't tried to go without it for a good chunk of time in a while. And it's so refreshing. I've decided that for as long as I can stand it, I'm only going to weigh in once a month. Crazy, right? We'll see how it goes. I will count January 1st's weight as my starting weight for 2009 (even though it was a bit high from festivities the night before), and I will weigh myself again on February 1st. I anticipate that I will have lost about 5 pounds, so I'm excited for that. Not weighing myself is actually helping me to be MORE conscious of my eating right now. Cool.

I just impulsively booked a super cheap hour long massage ($39!!) at this amazing place near my work. I'm gonna go tonight after work. My back has been spasming all day today and as much as a good workout sounds like a nice idea tonight, I think I'll take my lunch break this afternoon to go get some cardio done and then get my massage on instead tonight. Tomorrow will definitely need to include some power yoga and/or weight training for the ol' muscles.

Sweet Kevin is sick with a fever right now. So after the massage, I think I'll go home and make him some supper and put him to bed. :)

Shifts

2009-01-09T14:59:00.001-05:00

That's my friend Daniel and me on New Year's Eve.

Anyway, I just had an unexpected snack consisting of leftover Chipotle tortilla chips. They were yummy, salty, and slightly flavored with lime. It may not have been the best snack choice, considering I have an apple and a banana sitting on my desk right now, but...whatevuh.

Kevin and I had a date last night. Asian food. So yummy. We go to this place called FriendHouse that we just love. They have sushi, Thai, and Chinese food and they do it all equally well. We ordered a few different sushi rolls, some edamame, some chicken with spicy garlic sauce and mixed veggies, and sake. It was very delicious. I possibly overate a bit. But, what can ya do. We had great, energetic conversation about some major shifts that are happening in our lives. It was nice.

He adorably showed up to meet up with me with two new DVDs for us - House, Season 4 (I'm currently beyond obsessed with House) and The Office (British version of course!), which we've both seen but are excited to see again. So we headed straight home after dinner to snuggle in and watch an episode from each.

I could barely keep my eyes open near the end of the second episode. So I excused myself to bed and fell instantly to sleep. The cat woke me up ridiculously early this morning on more than one occasion so I still feel tired despite getting a good 8.5 hours.

I ate some sweets when I got home last night. Not necessary. But it happened. I am still finding my groove after vacation. So I'm not surprised that there have been a few stumbles along the way. It will all iron itself out in good time.

I woke up in a grumpy mood this morning. I decided to sleep a bit longer rather than do my yoga, which is good and bad. The sleep was nice, but he yoga really helps me not only to feel more physically relaxed and centered throughout the day but it also helps me not be such a raving bitch inside my own head about the world around me. ;)

Work is not great today. I have a personal problem with a couple of the really brash personalities here. And lucky for me, I sit right near both of them, can hear them talking (yelling) all day long, and am unavoidably exposed to their stress/psychosis levels all day long. It's impossible not to absorb some of that energy when you're near it for 8 hours in a row. People do that, you know, absorb and can intuitively sense each other's energy even if they don't realize they're doing it. Women do it more than men, science says. We subconsciously "mirror" each other, as a highly intuitive way to communicate and relate to one another, so that we can sense danger or need in the world around us. But it can also work against us, like when someone you work with is a fucking nutcase.

One of the women in particular is off her rocker. I've probably written about her before. And I'll probably write a book about her some day. She's a long list of ugly adjectives that I probably shouldn't share because I've either shared them before, or because I, more importantly, don't need to work myself up into a fit over it. But let's just say, her personality is really difficult for me to be around. And I find myself literally having to breathe through it daily. Like, she says stuff that gets so under my skin on the regular, treats people with such ire, disrespect, and bitterness, while always playing the martyr, that my newest solution is to simply breathe, focus on my breath, and remind myself to feel sorry for her rather than rail against her inside my own head. Which is, as the saying goes "like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die."

It's tough to remind myself to breathe through her nonsense. But it has actually made a small difference from time to time. Because before the New Year (a resolution of mine is to practice more compassion and patience), my coping mechanism in 2008 for situations like this was to basically just run through a litany of nastiness in my mind, calling the subject of my rage nasty names, saying biting, sarcastic things under my breath, rolling my eyes, huffing and puffing, and complaining to whoever would listen when I got the chance. So I think I'm much better off trying to calm myself down and remind myself that I'm only making myself sick when I become infuriated by someone else's illness.

(All that nobly said, this bitch makes me want to put my - and her - head through a fucking glass wall.)

PHEW. >Breathes in and out.< Ahhhhh.....

In other news, Kevin, my darling boyfriend, just accepted a new job! He left his last job, Executive Producer of a post-production house for television commercials, in 2007. He spent 7 years at that job (and 5 at an equally intense job before that one) and it exhausted him to no end. He finally left it two summers ago to make some time and space in his life for other things, most specifically, his mental wellness and sense of self outside the workplace.

He has spent the last year and a half doing just that. He's occasionally freelanced as a producer during this time (as he's very well respected and well liked in his industry), and he's also booked voiceover jobs (he's done the voices on a couple national commercials that I'm sure you've all seen), acting jobs, and done a ton of performing with his improv group. He's also done a great deal of stuff with my sketch group - he's invaluable to us in his tireless and helpful efforts. He's also done lots of shooting, directing, and editing of comedy shorts and films. It's been impressive to watch this man unfold himself in this way; after 12 years of constant career building, he's focused on what he wanted rather than what he thought he should do, and he's had a very rich experience doing so. I remain so proud of him throughout all of it.

It has been challenging at times, of course. Not knowing what would happen next has been equally scary and freeing for him. But he's been such a soldier throughout it all, trusting above all else that staying open to what's possible would bring the next thing and the next thing into his life, without fail.

He decided at the end of this past November that he wanted to look for a full time job again. This economy makes it tough to know how stable freelance work will be in the coming months. And he's also just ready for a change of pace. He's been his own boss, had his own schedule, and done his own thing for the last 18 months. And now he's looking forward to going back to the workin' world to try to marry the two lifestyles.

Of course, that can also be scary. But he's accepted a great job that will be perfect for this time in his life, I think. In fact, he originally turned this job down but they called him back and really sweetened the deal - they just had to have him! His proud girlfriend loves that of course. ;) He's going to use this new experience to practice striking a better work/life balance. And one of the best parts about this position is how open they are to him having a life outside work. They've basically given him the go ahead to continue to pursue his artistic and creative interests as much as he wants to in order to feel fulfilled. That was part of the "sweetened" deal. So he will be making his own schedule in order to support that. The guy who hired him has been awesome about respecting who Kevin his outside what he does to earn a paycheck. I love that.

So that's a big shift that is about to happen in our lives.

I'm excited for him. And beyond how it will change his world, I will no longer be able to send him an urgent email asking that he set the DVR to record something! ;) Plus, our laundry won't be done nearly as often (nor with the incredible skill and patience). And our cats won't have their dad home with them most days. But he will also be getting up with me in the mornings (yaaay!) and maybe even traveling into the city with me for work.

Me and my needs aside, I think this is gonna be a really good thing for him. He's looking forward to it, I think, and itchy to get started. He's going in to sign the contract on Monday and will likely go into the office a little bit next week, slowly ramping up into his new life! I can't believe it. :) It's always nice to know that your income is stable and that you have a new routine to invest in.

What else - I didn't work out yesterday, consciously. I needed a day off. Plus, I expected to be pretty sore from some new leg stuff I'd done at the gym earlier in the week, but I wasn't. And then, I woke up this morning barely able to walk. Ha. Typical. I'm going to go to the gym tonight after work for a long cardio session and some ab and upper body work, so it should be all good.

I'm taking a "me" night tonight. Kevin's planning to go see an improv show (a really really good one that I love going to see) and then he's going to perform in a show of his own. Normally I'd happy to spend the night out with him, doing both of these things with perhaps some dinner somewhere in between. But I decided early in the week that I'd be taking the night off tonight. I need it. This week, my first back after vacation, has been a whirlwind, and even though it feels as though I've been back at work for at least a month already, I'm still in a bit of a tailspin from the last few weeks overall. I need to be alone and decompress tonight, before my busy weekend.

So I'll gym it tonight for as luxuriously long as my little heart desires, maybe even throw some sauna time in, since it's frigid here today. And then I'll go home, scare up some supper, and probably settle into my couch with a glass of wine and a House episode. I predict an early bedtime. :) Love it.

Tomorrow we might go see Kevin's family in the suburbs. But it's supposed to snow so that plan might get rainchecked for a better weather day. If we DO go see them, we'll also make a stop at the huge mall near their house. Kevin needs some new clothes for work and I need a new backpack, new running shoes, a cast iron skillet, new bras, and new jeans! Wahooo!!! The trip might not happen at all though. We'll see.

Then Saturday night is the HST show, and Sunday are auditions for the 2009 "house teams" at the theater where we do improv. Kevin and I are both already on house teams, but every January they re-audition the current players, audition new players, and decide if they're going to cut teams, take people off teams, add people to teams, create new teams, etc. So it's a bit of wait-n-see. I'm hoping my improv group, The Baldwins, remains together, but you never know. So that will be Sunday. I hope to get to the grocery store at some point this weekend too. We need it. We got NOTHIN'.

I am having to pull my own teeth out to get myself to do any work today. I just don't feel like it. Showing up here each morning for the last five days has been effort enough, I think. So I'll probably do whatever tasks I have to in order to make Monday bearable, and spend the rest of the day daydreaming about the Florida beach house I'll own someday. ;)

Emergence.

2009-01-08T19:14:00.001-05:00

HI! I'm back.

I have had the desire to update this thing several times in the last days and weeks but things have been relatively nonstop. And before that, when things were stopped, I was happy to let them remain exactly that way.

All is well with me. I have been posting bits and pieces over here, at my "regular" blog (or the blog that doesn't detail my OCD weight loss habits).

I feel like there's so much to say. But is there really? I had a fantastic 2 weeks off work. It was wonderful, holidays aside, to be away from the office, away from my routine, and out of the city for most of that time. I find that my true habitual self tends to emerge, and happily so, when I'm given that kind of space and freedom. I know some people say they really thrive in a routine. And I think I like routines too, but I thrive MOST when my routine is 100% controlled by me. As opposed to being impacted by having to be at work, for example.

The holidays were great. I was in Quincy, Illinois, (5 hours south of Chicago) where my grandparents live, for Christmas. It was so great to see the family. I'm a sucker for that kind of sentimental stuff. I love the holidays and I love the traditions that I can always count on. I got to spend a tiny bit of really great quality time with each of my grandparents, which is absolutely invaluable to me, and I got to spend plenty of time chatting and hanging out with my cousins, aunts and uncles. It was so nice. Kevin came along. He's Jewish so his family doesn't really do a Christmas celebration. They usually do get together on or near Christmas day but they all had other plans this year so I got to drag him down to the boondocks of the midwest.

The weather was cold, icy, and generally shitty, affecting lots of people's travel, but we lucked out and only experienced a few minor inconveniences in that respect. Kevin also met my dad for the first time ever (my parents are divorced and I rarely see him) which was interesting for everyone.

All in all, it gave me such a sense of peace to be in a familiar place (I was born in Quincy, IL and spent the first 4 years of my life there - and have visited a lot ever since), in a familiar house, with the people who mean the most to me in the world. It has taken me 28 years to realize what a part of them I am, what a part of me they are, and how genetically and emotionally we are all so connected, regardless of the mini dramas we might like to create for ourselves about family and how stressful it can be. I'm a sap like that.

I spent the few days there resting, eating, napping, watching TV, chatting, and generally relaxing. I also reset the hell out of my previously whacked sleep schedule. Awesome.

Backtracking a bit - the days leading up to leaving New York for the break were pretty insane, in retrospect. Every hour found both Kevin and I with some other task or errand. Kevin was working furiously on editing a short film, which had to be finished before we left town (except he wasn't able to finish it and had to bring his computer AND external hard drive along for the trip!) and I was a holiday nut.

Baking, cooking, mixing, buying, wrapping, packing, listing - it was nuts.

My master plan was to bake a good portion of my Christmas gifts because I couldn't afford to buy people presents. I baked gifts for the people at work that I had to give to, for Kevin's family, and for the handful of generous friends who agreed to come over and look in on our cats (Kevin calls them "the dogs") while we were away for 7 days. I also bought little silly presents for all the cat sitters, that I arranged on our table for them to discover when they stopped by.

Not having ever been a big baker, I didn't realize the task that lay ahead until I was well into it. It took a lot more time and energy than I'd expected, and several late late nights, for me to get all this in order:

I will say that it all turned out much better than I expected. The baked goods were a huge hit. I made dark chocolate walnut brownies, coconut chocolate chip pecan cookies, sugar star sandwich cookies, and a spiced nut and pretzel mix for the non-sweets-eaters (aka the aliens).

I discovered that I truly enjoying baking. Like, enough to add it to my list of potential dream careers. ;) So that's cool.

Flash forward to a couple days after Christmas. Kevin and I left the Quincy, IL to head to Venice, Florida. Venice is about 20 minutes south of Sarasota, about an hour south of Tampa, on the gulf coast. My mom and her husband, Tom, have a condo there, and Tom's mother (my step-grandmother) also owns a beautiful home there. Tom was in Florida on Christmas to be with his mother, but just after Christmas his mother traveled north to see more family. Tom stayed behind, my mom flew down to meet up with him after she spent Christmas day in Quincy with us, and Kevin and I flew down to meet them a few days later. My aunt Lisa, my mom's sister-in-law, was also along for the journey. We all stayed at Tom's mother's lovely Floridian home.

So the five of us, Mom, Tom, Kevin, Aunt Lisa, and I, spent an amazing 4 days together in the sunny fun. We got drunk before noon on more than one occasion, we ate merrily, we laid in the perfect perfect sun (it was nearing 80 degrees without a cloud in the sky each and every day), exercised (I had several great runs and did some lovely yoga), and most importantly we spent time together, catching up, chatting about life, chatting about bullshit, watching TV and movies, and bonding. We never get to see each other like this, since we live so far apart, where there's nothing of consequence to do but relax. So it was really nice and I was really really sad to leave. It was very hard to return to cold, lonely, non-holiday New York.

But I'm readjusting. Getting back into the groove. I had a few extra vacation days after Florida, which was really nice. Despite my winter blues upon returning to the big city, it was still good to have some time to clean the apartment and chill out in my own house.

Returning to work was, again, really tough. I was walking around the office in a cloud for the first two or three days, but today is day four and I'm feeling okay. I hate that vacation feels like it was already months ago. But I'm glad to feel the fog lifting. I was hating the world for a while there. As I detailed here.

So if you haven't surmised from the other blog, my facebook statuses, or a conversation we may have had in real life, I'm ready to quit my job. That's the long and short of what's been going on for me since the new year dawned. And for the last 12 months as well, to be honest.

In November, I celebrated one year at this job. I knew when I started it that it was just to get me back on track financially. Getting fired from my university job in October of 2006 was one of the best things that's ever happened to me. It kicked me in the stomach in a way that I needed. I temped for a year and then returned to this job (a job I had right after graduating college several years earlier) for more stability and for health insurance. But again, I've always known it would just be a place marker.

I got fired from my job at NYU at a time when I was already looking for ways "out" of the office lifestyle. But being unexpectedly without income was not the best way for me to officially make the shift. Regaining some stability became top priority and other career dreams got pushed to the back burner when I got fired.

I am thrilled to say that after a couple years of careful financial planning, combined with my nature having grown more responsible and my priorities having shifted as my age increases, I am at a place now, at age 28, that feels calm, safe, and content in comparison to the rest of my 20's. My finances are stable, my health is fantastic, my relationship is fulfilling, my living situation is lovely, my cats are happy, my job isn't in danger, I'm performing comedy and landing acting jobs. Even though things have been pretty good for me for the last 5 or 6 years in general, things have been *this* good and all-around stable, ever. So that's really awesome.

So of course, I'm ready for the next thing. I want to find a career that is spiritually fulfilling, allows me much more control over my own reality than I currently have, and allows me the financial freedom to - say - live in Florida during the winter months. Because I love big city life. But I also LOVE the warm weather. I'm like a cat. I'm happiest when I'm laying in a spot of sun, napping.

As far as finding that career, I know it can be done, whatever "it" ends up being. The most important thing to me right now, as silly as this might sound, is finding a job where I don't have to sit at a desk. My body is suffering in immeasurable ways from the fact that my days are spent staring an electronic screen, typing, and answering the phone.

For whatever reason, whether it be my relationship to my body due to having lost a lot of weight, or my acting degree which focused a great deal on the human body and one's awareness of one's own, I am very intune to myself physically. When something feels out of whack, I know right away. It's why I love yoga, why I am a runner (because it makes my body feel incredible), and why I can't sit at this desk anymore.

Not to be dramatic or sound like an old lady but: my wrists hurt, my hips hurt, my left shoulder is in acute and active pain every single day, my back hurts, my neck hurts, I feel like my spine has rounded, my eyes hurt, I got my first ever migraine a month ago from looking at this computer screen all day. (That SUCKED. Holy shit, I had no idea.) I concentrate a lot on doing whatever I can to better these annoyances. I stretch out a few times a day in the office, I do yoga in the mornings before work now (New Year's resolution), I had them install a fancy new keyboard drawer, I changed the height of my monitor, I sit up straight like a total nerd all day long. I'm not sure what more there is to do but to simply get the fuck away from the problem: THE DESK JOB LIFE.

So that's issue #1. Issue #2 is that I don't care to be an administrative aide my whole life. Who does? The women here, and many of the others I've encountered in my career as an office employee, who have been admins for years and years don't seem very happy at all. Some of the ones I currently know are some of the most unpleasant people in my life. I can only imagine it's because it's not a very fulfilling job. Resentment breeds and regrets are many, in the case of these women I've observed. (Doesn't mean that's true for everyone, of course.)

I love acting and comedy and performing and writing comedy. But I don't think now, like I did think even just a year ago, that I can be fulfilled by that either, the way I want to be fulfilled. It's a great hobby. And I have had some of the best experiences of my life and made some of the best friends I'll ever have because of that part of my life. And if I were offered a job doing any one of those things I would eagerly accept it. It's fun and rewarding and enjoyable and easy as hell. And I'm good at it. I hope to be able to do it in some capacity for my entire life. I just recently booked and shot a web commercial for which I made a healthy chunk of cash. And it was a great experience. But it can't be counted on to be financially stable, at least not now. I will absolutely stay open to those things and when the opportunities present themselves, I will even work hard to get them. But I want more too.

I'm not sure what "more" will be yet. I have a lot of ideas. Some big, some small. Some are ideas about how I will logistically and financially move out of this current job in the next 12-14 months - what can I do that will still pay my bills and provide me with health coverage, but that doesn't involve sitting at desk and that will be in line with my passions, interests and will be a good stepping stone for whatever I end up deciding The Big Picture should include. And some are much grander ideas. About The Big Picture. The kinds of businesses I daydream of starting someday, the kinds of services I daydream of providing people someday, the kinds of industries I'd like to involve myself in, the ways I'd like to spend my time day to day someday. I have no idea what's in store. But I've decided to live by two things:

1. I am open to ANYTHING that meets the requirements of being spiritually fulfilling and allowing me my freedom. And I will stay open to it all by being positive, welcoming, listening to my feelings, and saying yes.

2. This does not have to be hard and it will be not be. It's actually very simple.

The "simple" thing was a realization I had in Florida while taking a yoga class on the beach one morning. Desiring a different career and therefore a different lifestyle is not something only special people get to do, or only certain people get to do. It is the right of everyone who wants it. And it is only as complicated, stressful, and up-a-mountain-like as I make it. It doesn't mean the actual journey won't be difficult or confusing or won't require a great deal of patience and courage. But it does mean that I don't need to act as though it's some huge, insurmountable task. That just invites drama. And I don't want to invite drama. I want a fulfilling career. Simple. Once I choose to believe that, and live it, all that's left is to do it.

So that's where I am, mentally right now. My brain is working overtime processing it all, creating a new way of thinking and being so that I can make these dreams, whatever they end up being in their real-world form, come true.

I got a new tattoo on my forearm in Florida, which I adore. It was a spontaneous decision and I'm glad I did it.

Exercise and food (oh yeah) is as steady as ever. I lost 10.2 pounds in 2008. I gained 2.4 pounds during my vacation, and I'm feelin good. My goal for 2009 is to lose 20 pounds! Yikes! I know I can do it. I'm not going to obsess about it, it's just something to keep in the back of my mind. Losing 20 pounds will put me at a totally, completely normal healthy weight wherein I won't feel like I need to lose another single pound (hopefully). I'm content with my body now and would be fine to look exactly like this forever, but having the goal is a good motivation.

I'm enjoying exercise, doing yoga in the mornings and my regular stuff the rest of the time, and trying to get back into a normal eating groove after the freeforall at the end of December. ;)

I'm sure there's more I've forgotten but this is already long enough. In the coming days I'll post an About Me 08/09 List that I've been doing for the last couple years, courtesy of my friend Sarah, which you probably don't care about, but I do. I've got a few resolutions so I'll write them there.

Happy 2009, all! It's good to be back.

Content.

2008-12-13T12:39:00.002-05:00

I had SUCH a great night last night.

My office holiday party the night before was eh. Nothing special, same old. I always leave those things feeling glad that I have other stuff that's important to me in life, because if I didn't, I'm not sure just that job would suffice. And I hate to say it but I think there are a lot of people who do the same stuff I do in my office for whom that is the case. I don't say that to be judgmental, I say it because I cannot relate.

Then, Kevin and I got in a HUGE fight on the way home from the party/at home after the party. Everything's fine now, we've made up and said our apologies and worked it all out but we were PISSED at each other and it sucked. I hate when we fight. We don't fight often, but everyone's gonna fight from time to time, ya know? It was our night for it. Oof.

But LAST night was great fun. Kev and I had a few friends over, just 5 people, so there were 7 of us in total. It was just perfect. We had snacks, fun festive Christmas drinks (mulled wine and hot buttered rum!), and after we sat in the kitchen around the food, chatting, drinking, eating, and telling stories for a good hour or so, we eventually moved into the living room (by the light of the tree and the other Christmas decorations - my dream come true!;) and played games all night! We played a game called Celebrity (that my college friends and I call "Slips") and once that was over, we just moved onto straight up Charades. It was such a blast.

I haven't done something like this in ages. Whenever I hang out with a group of friends, we never THINK to play games. We still enjoy ourselves, chatting, eating and drinking, generally relaxing. But the game playing added such a great element. It was seriously the best evening I've had in quite a while.

All the people who were here are people I'd absolutely consider good friends. They aren't all people, however, that I've historically spent a ton of time hanging out with outside of my improv world. But they are all people I would happily sit around and chat with at any time. We all know each other well from how much time we've spent together at The PIT (except for one friend who was here last night who has nothing to do with the improv scene) and it was just so fun to be in a totally different environment, not relating to performing or to the theater, hangin out and laughing.

My HST friends are my "family" in this city and have been for years. They are the people with whom I've spent the most time socially and professionally in the last 4 years and they are awesome friends, great people, and a blast to be with. We have so many inside jokes and old stories and such a great understanding of each other. And just like family, they drive me crazy sometimes too. I wouldn't change it, of course.

But they are also all younger than I am! That definitely has its perks. Because it means that, from time to time, I get "forced" into doing crazy, silly things that I would probably otherwise avoid. :)

The small crowd here last night, I realized at one point, are ALL either my exact age or older. And there is just something so different about that. It was kinda refreshing. The conversations we had, the way we enjoyed ourselves, the games we played, the stuff we shared with each other just felt like a different ballgame entirely than if I'd been hanging out with another, younger group. It made me appreciate even more than I have been lately (which is a lot) how much I love the people I've met through The PIT, and how incredibly blessed, grateful and happy I am to have found The PIT community. It is one of the best things in my life.

(Incidentally, for the sake of explanation, HST performs at The PIT too. We aren't a "PIT" group, meaning we didn't start our group through the theater or at the theater, we didn't meet because of the theater - we met in college at NYU - and we aren't promoted by the theater in a regular way. So we aren't an official "PIT" group. We do shows other places and we originally got started of our own accord. We do, however, do a show at the PIT every Saturday night and have done so for 2 or 3 years. So all the HST kids know the PIT people and vise versa. HST was invited to the PIT Holiday party, etc. etc. I don't know why you need to know that but I can think of a few detail-loving people who read this blog who'd want to know.;)

ANYWAY. My sweet friends brought gifts and wine and food last night. My friend Sarah, who is awesome, brought me this ADORABLE little ornament for my tree. (How did she know?!) And my lovely friend Meg brought me a handmade card - so sweet! My good friend Keith brought a NICE lookin bottle of wine and my good friend Matt stayed after everyone left and did. Every. Single. Dish. In. The. Sink. What the fuck. That was so awesome. I dried while he washed and we chatted and chatted, our voices hoarse and cracking from having talked all night long, and it was so nice.

Once everyone left, it was around 2:15, Kevin and I were exhausted, but so happy and fulfilled. We finally fell asleep after laying awake chatting about all the highlights of the evening, how much fun we had, how we'd like to do it again in the New Year, and what a great group of people we were blessed with tonight.

I guess I've gone on and on. And it was only a few hours total. But it was just one of those nights in life where I felt really happy to be where I am in life, really lucky to be able to invite some good friends over for food and drinks and just hang out and enjoy each others' company, where I felt so glad to be young, healthy, childless, and sharing a really nice life with my great boyfriend.

I've gotta get off here - just came on to talk about last night *blush*. (I'm a weirdo.) I've got just a couple hours to eat breakfast, exercise, shower, pack up my shit, and get the hell outta the house.

I have to shop for one last present for the Winter Wishes program I'm giving to this year. Then I have to deliver the huge bag of presents that I've been buying for the last few weeks to my work this afternoon - they will all go to children who wouldn't otherwise get this stuff for Christmas. Through this program, these kids write letters specifically asking for certain presents! It's so adorable. So first, I am off to Target to buy a 12 year old his "Adias soccer ball, please." Then to the office to drop it all off. Then I've got HST rehearsal and our first of two Holiday Shows! Yay!

Kevin's shooting comedy videos all day today for a non-profit organization he founded with a few friends, the darling. They're doin a big comedy show on NYE and he's got to get some of the material ready before we go out of town in a week and a half. So he woke up and left early. I woke up at NOON! I needed the sleep. And it was absolute bliss having the bed all to myself. I flopped around into a million different positions, spreading my legs and arms every which way, and slept like a rock.

It's sunny but COLD here today. An outside run might be a bit too much but I'm always so itchy to get out there on the weekends, especially if it's sunny! Aaack! We'll see.

Happy Saturday, all.

2008-12-11T12:00:00.004-05:00

Welp. I sorta wanna throw up right now, but otherwise, I'm okay. ;)

We had our holiday party at the PIT (the theater where Kev and I do improv and sketch comedy) last night. It was great fun, everyone got dressed up (I think I looked pretty fancy, if I do say so myself ;), and we had a really nice time. But I had two VERY VERY big glasses of wine. And I feel pretty nauseous today. It sucks. At the time it didn't feel like I was drinking that much, but being that I'm not a big drinker to begin with, and being that I didn't eat a lot at the party, it seems to have absorbed itself into my system. I also, for whatever weirdo reason, shared a cigarette with my friend Clayton. No clue why, but it was probably the white wine's decision. I only had a good 5-6 drags. But I have a cough from it today! Grr! Just goes to show that the body does not prefer to be toyed with. I will not be doing that again any time soon. GROSS.

I really don't want to be at work right now. Like, really really not.

The party, as I said, was a lot of fun. I love seeing all my good friends dressed up and enjoying themselves. There wasn't a huge array of food, which was probably best. I had a subway sandwich, which was very yummy, a handful of chips, the icing off a small cupcake, and a few bites of mac and cheese. I was pretty satisfied when I was done eating and decided to simply STOP on the food front after I'd finished that plate. That's not something I'm historically good at doing at parties where there's food available AND alcohol in my system. But I was bound and determined to leave this party feeling good about how I'd conducted myself. And not overeating is the key to that for me.

I knew I wanted to get a little tipsy; it's a party with my favorite people, after all. So I allowed myself to drink, but not more than felt comfortable. And somehow, once the "awards ceremony"* official part of the evening was over, once everyone was again milling about by the food and drink, or dancing or chatting, I decided to just focus on hanging out with my friends and enjoying their conversation. And I really did. I didn't miss picking at the food one bit. So that was a big success. (*I won MVP of my improv team! Aw, fun. - For the record I'm sort of against voting an most valuable player for an improv team since the very spirit of an improv team is that no one is more "valuable" than anyone else. But then I won. That felt nice. I'm still ethically against the award. Ahem. ;)

I took a cab home - probably left around 11:30 or something - knowing that I didn't want to push it. I'm glad I did that because I was able to get in a relatively full night's sleep. I'd be hurting even more today if I was more tired than I am right now.

Because I had a rough morning yesterday, having left at home both the breakfast AND lunch I'd prepared for myself to bring to work that day (booo!!!), I came home last night to find that I had a healthy wrap with turkey and light cheese already put together in the fridge, so I ate that once I was home. The wine had started to really do it's thing by that point and I needed something more in my system. I watched an episode of House, since that's the only thing I ever watch on tv ever these days, and then I went to sleep. I don't even really remember getting into bed. I was OUT before my head hit the pillow.

The scale has been going down down down lately and I couldn't be happier. I went to the gym yesterday on my lunch break to offset any potential damage I might do at the party. That was a good move. And I'll go again today (even though it will be MUCH less appealing to be there - oof) so that I can offset any potential damage I might do TONIGHT at my OFFICE holiday party! Whhat! Two holiday parties in two days. That might be considered mild torture in some places.

I love parties, don't get me wrong. But arrays of food and spirits in the form of festive holiday-ness two days in a row is definitely challenging. I don't even feel like drinking tonight. Maybe I'll have a glass of champaigne or something small but beyond that, I think I'm just going to stick to club soda. I do NOT need the alcohol in my system. It makes me sleep shittier, I don't need the calories, and it certainly won't make my stomach feel better.

There will definitely be food there tonight. And I won't have had dinner. I had a nice healthy delicious egg sandwich breakfast (to make up for the fact that I -waaaaaaah- left the one I painstakingly prepared yesterday morning sitting on the effin kitchen counter -waaaah- can you tell I was very upset about that whole mess?) and I just ordered some lunch - grilled chicken over brown rice with peppers, tomatoes, and low sodium tomato sauce. Cannot WAIT for that. I think it will really hit the spot.

So my plan tonight at the party is to, first of all, have exercised on my lunch break, and then to eat no more nor less than I would if I was sitting down to a normal supper. I think it will all be in the form of passed finger foods, which can be tough because it's hard to eyeball how much you've eaten in that case. But I'll try to keep a reasonable count of what I've had, snack on veggies in between, and sip water the whole time. Should be easy peazy. I also like to leave these work things earlier rather than later. So perhaps my reward for a party successfully navigated will be a hot cocoa or some other small dessert when I get home tonight.

NEXT on the list of mini-challenges will be TOMORROW. Gah! This one, I did to myself. I'm having a few friends over tomorrow night to sip festive Christmas drinks, enjoy our tree, and play games. Another historically difficult scenario for me where overeating is involved: the party I throw myself. I knew when I planned this small fete (just a couple people) that it would be the day after two parties in a row. I tossed around the idea of doing it on Sunday instead of Friday, giving me a couple days to recover in between events. But honestly? I don't want to run my life like that. I'd rather have the get together on a Friday night, I'm sure my friends would rather it be on a Friday night, and if the only reason I want to do it on another day is to save myself the hassle, calorie-wise...well that's silly. And it's not how I want to be operating now, six years into my life as a weight loss success story.

SO. It will just mean yet another day of counter balancing things with a good workout on my lunch break (or perhaps something at home in the morning before work? some pilates and yoga?). And then I will also make good breakfast and lunch choices tomorrow. I think I'll prepare stuff at home to bring with me into the office for both of those meals, giving me even more control over what I'm consuming. And then I'll make sure to have some baby carrots and some nuts before the party starts, keep water close at hand as I sip on the Christmas cocktails, and be sure that the snacks I get are healthy and don't make me want to stand over them and inhale. (I think that might be the key, I just realized, to not overeating at my own parties - don't buy snacks that I love to eat! Dur!) We'll order pizza if people get hungry and if that's the case, I'll just have a slice. Perhaps preplanning my game plan in this way might be just as nutty as moving the day of the party to avoid overeating. But whatever. I do what I gotta, I guess, right?

Phew! Navigation! Planning! Exercise!

Luckily, beyond doing an HST Christmas show on Saturday night (fun!), shopping for children's gifts for the charity I'm donating to this year, and dropping said gifts off at my office on Saturday, I don't have anything to do this weekend. Awesome. No plans on Sunday (besides possibly more shopping?), which is superb. So I should have plenty of time on both days to get in nice, long, relaxing workouts. I think I'll also spend some time trying to use up some of the food we have in the house before we go out of town for the holidays. Perhaps I'll make a lasagna and some kind of chicken sausage and whole wheat pasta dish? Should be good.

As I said, the scale is being very good to me lately. I'm so proud of myself for recommitting to losing weight this past January. In case you don't know the tale, I lost 115 between 2002-2004, then I gained 21 pounds back. I've since lost 11 of those pounds (I said 11.6 the other day! My math was wrong! >blush!<) and I'm so thrilled that I have. I'm seeing numbers on the scale right now that I haven't seen in 2 to 3 years. It's great.

I recommitted to my goal on January 1, 2007 with these words:

After losing almost 115 pounds five years ago, I’ve gained about 20 pounds back in last two years. In these last two years, I’ve focused less on the number on the scale and practiced living my life as a thinner person who doesn’t attend a weekly meeting or weigh herself every day because she used to be fat. I needed to go there with it. To return to the land of those people who don’t weigh themselves every day or obsess about how much they ate or what size their pants are… And I’m glad I did it. Practicing living my life as a thinner person who doesn’t have a huge weight problem has given me invaluable perspective on how to be a relatively healthy eater without the scale as my compass.

But it has certainly been a balancing act, these two years without utilizing all those measurements and barometers that I had set so firmly in place when I lost the bulk of my weight. It was almost like taking away my pacifier when I stopped obsessing over the details. And frankly I’m sort of happy to have put back on a little bit of the weight over two years. Because I didn’t put a lot of it back on, only a little bit! Which is great! I’m still a normal weight. That’s a wonderful thing. I wasn’t normal for a long time and I wasn’t entirely sure if I had the capacity to be normal. Also, I have been forced to become comfortable with THIS body, with being imperfect, with being a few pounds heavier than I want to be. That is a lesson I needed to learn the entire time I was fat and the entire time I was losing weight. I needed to learn that it’s okay to feel good about oneself even if one’s body isn’t up to Hollywood standards. And I think I’ve finally learned that. Being imperfect and not working toward perfection for these two years has helped me to accept that it's okay to be imperfect for the rest of my life. I do want to be healthy and active and feel good about myself, though.

So I’d like to swing the balance back in the other direction for a little while. I’m confident and content being me and now I’d love to exercise and healthy-eat my way back to a slightly more toned me, who doesn’t feel like she’s at the top of her weight range, but somewhere in the middle to low end. A me who can fit into a lot of cute stuff! So that means giving those habits a bit more focus than I’ve been giving them in the last two years. I've been doing it in some form or another since 2002. I think I can recommit to doing it with more focus for a little while.

And that's what I did! My life has changed in small but noticeable ways in these last 11 months, since recommitting to this. Aside from slowly losing weight, there are also these things:

1.)I am madly in love with exercise right now. And I have been for a few months. I've worked out regularly for the last 6 years and my love affairs with it have come and gone. But my current love affair is at an all-time high. When I first recommitted back in January I had a hard time getting to the gym even 3 times a week. Now I am doing active stuff every chance I get. I work out 6 days a week most weeks, walk as much as I can, do extra situps or pushups whenever I get the chance. There’s no quick fixes to this stuff. So I’m either gonna stay active or I’m not. And for whatever reason, my body doesn’t respond to just 3 days a week, 30 minutes per session anymore. And I’m fine with that. Exercise has become a kind of religion for me lately. It’s meditative, spiritual, relaxing, helps to de-stress me, and makes me feel great. I think it ALSO makes my skin look incredible. But that’s just a theory. ;)

It took a solid 6 months before any feelings close to those about exercise started kicking in, but they ultimately did. And I'm so glad I was able to get there with it.

And here’s the cool thing: I honestly think if I'd been dropping weight a lot faster for one reason or another, I wouldn't have fallen so I love with my workout regime. I think I would have coasted by on the fact that the number on the scale was dropping and I wouldn’t have had a reason to go deeper into my relationship with my body, which is what ultimately led me to finding a more spiritual side of my life through my exercise. Dropping the weight a bit more slowly led me to think, "Well, if I'm not working out to lose weight, than why am I working out?” I had to come up with other reasons and other motivations than the number on the scale. I decided I was working out because it makes me feel so good, and because it's good for my body, and most importantly, it's good to form these habits so I can keep them forever. I'd much rather have THAT kind of relationship to exercise than one where I do it as a means to an end. It's all about the process, baby.

2.) I care now more than ever about the kinds of foods I put into my body. I'm into organic living, cooking all-natural, whole, healthy things, using healthy oils and getting in my fruits, veggies, whole grains and good fats. And I know that is because, similar to what I said about exercise, I was losing slowly enough that I had to come up with ANOTHER reason or motivation, besides weight loss, to encourage myself to want to eat really well all the time. It made me feel so good to know exactly what I was eating, to avoid unnecessary preservatives or chemicals, and I was getting more satisfaction out of the foods I was eating. I was also enjoying learning about the local markets in the city and about how to be more ethical with my eating. I'll never be a vegetarian, but I care a lot more now about where my food comes from. I make choices about what to eat based on THAT stuff more than I do on the caloric content of something, almost every time. I can't remember the last time I ate a Lean Cuisine type meal or some empty, low-calorie from-a-box snack. I was always hungry when I was done eating that stuff. And I just started to grow away from wanting it, but not because of how it impacted the scale, but because I knew I didn’t want those foods in my system. I knew there was something else out there. I’m not sure I would have really “gotten” that to the extent that I do now if I this last year had been a different journey.

3.) Last and best of all, I know it's off for good. Even if I only ever maintain this exact weight, I know I've lost it and I know that I know how to keep it off. The lifestyle I lead today, right now, with regard to my health is one I could maintain forever. I love the relationship I’ve found with exercise, I love the relationship I’ve found with food, and I love that I been able to navigate an entire year of life – a year of birthdays, celebrations, parties, date nights with Kevin, barbecues, summer drinks, Thanksgiving, Halloween, all the other holidays we use as an excuse to overeat and overdrink, sadness, happiness, stress, relaxation, moving into a new apartment, snacks at work, dinners and brunches with the “in-laws,” hangouts with friends – all while slowly losing this weight. I haven’t encountered one of those activities wherein I felt deprived or alone or like I was different. I have honestly felt like it's all just good practice. I have enjoyed all those events, indulged beyond measure at some of them, kept more of a tight rope on myself at others of them, but mostly I have found balance. And to be completely honest, as much as I know what I weigh on a given day, this year has not been ABOUT losing the weight. I had to make it about something else because I just couldn't focus on losing weight just for the sake of it anymore. I had to make it about having a richer experience with my health. The 11 pounds and counting has been a wonderful bi-product.

My late teens and early twenties were not an easy time in my life, as many of you already know. So being 28 years old and honestly being able to say for the first time in my young life that I believe I’m finding a balance with this stuff is so nice. I wasn’t sure I’d ever end up here. I feel fantastic about it.

ANYWAY. I didn’t intend for this post to turn into this. But I’m feeling good about where things are with that stuff lately…so it happened. Apologies for the self –congratulations. ;)

Not much else to report. That’s pretty much the full story. Looking forward to seeing my family soon. Just 9 more work days! YEAAAAAAAAAAH. (I know this because we have a countdown calendar at work. I walk by the number 50 times a day.) Can’t wait.

2008-12-08T12:25:00.002-05:00

I had a good weekend. And one of the best things about returning to work this Monday is that I DO NOT have improv practice tonight, which means I get to go home right after work and DO WHATEVER I WANT. This is very exciting to me.

Usually, I have improv practice every Monday night. It's the worst night to have to have any standing obligation, in my opinion, but it's the best night for everyone on my team, myself included, schedule-wise. So Mondays it is. But because the year is winding down and we'll have a couple weeks off improv shows; and also because we are having a big holiday party at the theater, instead of our usual Wednesday night improv shows this week, we don't really need to have practice this Monday. We'll have one final practice of the year next Monday, and then we're done practicing until 2009. Wahoo! I like improv practice, but I also like to take breaks from it. Bigtime.

Along those lines, coaching last Thursday was a lot of fun. I was a bit trepidatious going into it - since I'd never done it before. But it was very easy and came very naturally and I didn't feel underqualified or like I didn't know what I was talking about once in the 2 hours, so that was good. I definitely came in prepared, so that I felt like I had a schedule to fall back on if shit hit the fan, but it was perfectly fine, the ladies on the team were lovely and talented and I left feeling good about what we'd done. (And it was nice to have a little extra cash in my pocket!;)

Anyway, tonight, I'm going to go straight home after work. Sometimes I use unusual nights off like this to get in a long gym workout, but few and far between are the days that I get to leave for home directly from the office. I think that's probably happened a total of 5 times since I moved in with Kevin. Out of probably about 100 days worked since then. Oof. So I'm taking advantage of it tonight. It's honestly one of the most wonderful little pleasures. For the evening, I don't feel like a chicken with her head cut off, running around from point A to B, scarfing down some random dinner as I walk to a rehearsal (which cannot be good for digestion). So tonight I'm gonna go home, finish decorating our Christmas tree (!), make myself a healthy supper, perhaps do some light pilates, watch as many episodes of House (my new favorite show ever) as I can stand before I get too tired to keep my eyes open, and then I'm going to go to bed early.

I won't actually arrive home until 8pm and I'd LOVE to be in bed by 11, so I'm not sure how I'll cram all that in. I'll see where the night takes me.

Going to sleep early-ish tonight is imperative. I went to bed really late last night and I am tired today. My sleep schedule was all out of whack last week too, so I'm trying to reset things.

Weekend recap: Friday night I left work and went straight to Port Authority to meet up with Kevin so we could catch a bus to Edgewater, New Jersey. (Only a few minutes drive from Manhattan.) Our good friend Ian turns 35 today so his girlfriend was throwing him a birthday party on Friday night in this big party room at their new apartment complex. It was super fun. We got to see a bunch of Kevin's old friends - people we hadn't seen in a long time, and even more people he hadn't seen in a really long time. It was great to catch up with everyone I already knew and to meet people I'd only ever heard about. I also got preeeettty drunk on some sangria and a beer, so that was fun. I haven't been drunk in eons. There were plenty of snacks at the party, which I definitely enjoyed. But not having had dinner, it basically evened itself out. There were certainly a few handfuls of things that I took once the alcohol took over my system that I wouldn't have chosen to eat otherwise, but it was fine.

Kevin took lovely care of me once we left. I was goofy and unbalanced, but he was great about it. We had a really nice bus ride back to the city and a pretty uneventful subway ride home to Brooklyn. I did start to feel sick on the subway, once I closed my eyes, but it was fine. I fell asleep and woke up to him pulling me off the train at our stop. I passed out AGAIN on our bed, fully clothed, and he woke me up a few minutes later, helped me get ready for bed, adorably laid out my pajamas for me to put on, and put me to sleep. What a darlin. You'd think I'd had a ton to drink, but it was really only 1.5 sangrias, a beer, and a couple other sips. It had just been so long since I'd had any alcohol. I was silly. But it was fun.

I thought I was really gonna be hurtin when I woke up the next day, but we slept really late (which was essential) and got up and made a big breakfast (er, Kevin made a big breakfast), which seemed to make everything right. We relaxed while watching another House episode. (I'm beyond addicted, I watched 5 episodes this weekend alone.)

And then! We set out on a very long workout. 2 hours later, we were back home. We walked fast or ran the whole time. Twice around the park. It was a bit chilly but so enjoyable. We talked a lot, got in a great workout, and I felt fantastic when we got home. I was tired and hungry but I also felt very alive. A nice long workout like that was exactly what I needed to absolve myself of any guilt I had about the night before's antics.

We had to head out to HST practice/show shortly after that and I came straight home after the show to watch more House (wow). I was up LATE again. Watching House.

I also slept late on Sunday. I had big plans for a workout, a trip to the store, an apartment clean, and to finish trimming the tree (we had a minor setback with the lights which has to be remedied by buying more lights - there aren't presently enough lights for my tastes). We ALSO had to go see the Bodies exhibit at 3.

After I woke up late, we basically got ready, made some coffee with our new coffee machine, which has changed our lives (we haven't had a working coffee machine in the house forever), and headed to the exhibit. It was COLD yesterday - YUCK. But we managed. We had a great time. The South Street Seaport, where the exhibit is located, has tons of great shops and stuff to see, so it was really nice just to be out and about, taking in the sites. We love doing stuff like that together. We grabbed a quick lunch to hold us over until we could eat something more substantial after the exhibit, and then we headed in.

The exhibit was very interesting and informative. I loved it. It was definitely gross at points, especially seeing the cancerous stuff and the malformed organs. Even certain cross sections of the healthy bodies were a bit hard to look at. But you get over it, of course. And it's just fascinating as hell. Who knew the body was this complicated. I mean, you KNOW, but you don't really realize until you see it with your own two eyes like this. I will never forget the experience.

We left after not too long (another nice feature is that the whole thing doesn't go on for hours) and beelined to this restaurant nearby that was pumping out some amazing burger smells. I wanted a burger. Bad.

We split a salad to start, and then I didn't eat the bun on my burger (it didn't seem worth it) and ate about 3/4 of the burger patty. It came with a plate full of fries, the really thin kind, and I probably had 10 total, if that. I barely made a dent in them. I was so incredibly pleased with myself for that restraint. Kevin said, "You don't want them?" I said, "No, I want them very badly. That's the problem." But the taste of just a few was all I really needed to feel like I'd gotten to sample them.

I'm just at this point where I want to be able to control myself in situations like that, without it being a big deal. Like, I'm done hemming and hawing about it. Fries. So what. They're yummy. But I don't need the whole plate. And it doesn't have to be a thing. I'm not gonna have them all. End of story. It doesn't even need to be a discussion I have with myself. And I don't need to feel sorry for myself or create drama around it (not that I'm generally like that, but you know what I mean). Food, even terrible-for-me food, is going to be around me my entire life. I've got to continue to practice growing this kind of healthy relationship to it. It's what I want for the rest of my life. If I eat and drink a lot on a Friday night, I want to wake up on Saturday and make time to have an extra long workout. And be done with the discussion. That is how every naturally thin person I know goes about maintaining their weight. And I think part of the reason I enjoyed this weekend so much is because I did just that. I was able to indulge and then counterbalance it with smart, natural, almost-involuntary choices. I took the focus off the food at almost every turn and just practiced putting the focus back onto things that matter. And best of all, I listened so carefully to my body at every meal (Friday night aside). I stopped eating when I felt my stomach pressing on my pants a little bit. Because I knew that if I kept eating, that feeling would only increase. And that means I've eaten too much. I was able to enjoy a "cheeseburger and fries," without feeling like I'd indulged at all. I got all the flavors I wanted (the cheese, the beef, the ketchup, the mustard, the fries) but only consumed probably 400-500 calories, if that. Excellent. I felt so good about myself after that. And the scale smiled on me today.

We then went to the grocery store and stocked up on some essentials. Our cupboards have been lean lately, so it was due. We were really judicious though, because times are very tight. So we are, like everyone else right now, all about not wasting food, not buying extra crap, and being frugal with our money. We got a lot of good stuff and because we bought less than usual it wasn't such a bear to carry home.

Kev had to head out to a meeting so I spent the evening by myself, which I didn't mind. I restrung lights on the tree to make room for more lights, cleaned the bedroom, bathroom, and tidied up the living room and kitchen. I made myself a light dinner of an english muffin with peanut butter, some baby carrots, and some nuts. And I had two of these small but amazing truffles for dessert.

I did NOT get in the workout I had planned, which was unfortunate. I had really intended on doing SOMETHING, but before I knew it was 11 o'clock and I hadn't had dinner. I suppose walking around the city all day and cleaning the house at night will have to serve as my calorie-burn for yesterday. I went to sleep late again because I'd woken up so late and wasn't that tired when bedtime rolled around.

It was a really good day.

I'm excited that it's almost Christmas. I've been really itching to spend some time with my family. My grandmother's house is filled with such familiar smells and sights. And the din of the family is so comforting to me. Even if it grates on me occasionally, I feel connected to my family right now. And I'm looking forward to the holiday with them. Plus, the break from work! I have a good 12 days off. YESSSSSSSSSSSSs.

The next few weeks will be filled with parties, get-togethers, shows, rehearsals, gift exchanges, and enjoying the lovely Christmas decorations in my little house. :)

I'm gonna workout on my lunch break today. And I brought lunch from home (salad and a sweet potato). I'm sort of itchy for this workday to move quickly. It's BORING. ;)

2008-12-04T11:22:00.002-05:00

I feel like I've got a lot whirling around in my mind right now. That's not necessarily a bad thing. Just is what it is.

On the whole, I'm feeling really good today. I think I've gotten a bit less sleep the last few nights than I really need/want to feel 100% during the day, but I woke up this morning feeling ready to go, so that's nice. I have another late night ahead of me tonight because I'm coaching an all-girls improv group. And tomorrow night we're going to a birthday party in Jersey for a good friend. Saturday night is the HST show and ANOTHER birthday party in Manhattan for ANOTHER good friend. And Sunday I have a business meeting in the morning and then we have tickets to the Bodies Exhibit (rescheduled from when I was sick). Gah! That's a lot. So I don't know when I'm going to sleep...or do the dishes...or vaccuum the living room...or declutter the living room and bedroom...zzzz....Luckily Kevin is a great Mr. Mom, as he likes to call himself, and does a ton of stuff around the house. Just thinking of all those plans makes me want to take a big long nap.

On a rather sad note, one of the attorneys who I assist at work is out of the office this week (and indefinitely) because his mom is dying of cancer. Ugh. It's so sad. She's been fighting it for the last year, but took a downward turn a couple weeks ago, and has gotten increasingly worse in the last couple days. They have no more treatments options left for her and she's at home with hospice care and her family by her side. Her son, my boss, has been at home with her all week, of course. But in this industry (entertainment law), you don't take big chunks of time off work unless it's a really serious matter. Obviously, it is. And it's so sad.

Did I mention he's just 28? Yeah. Not that it's probably much different from someone who's 38 or 48 losing a parent, but you know what I'm saying. His mom is relatively young, his brothers are young, his dad thought he'd have many more years with his wife. It's sad.

I don't know this guy very well. He's very quiet and sort of reserved. And I'm not someone who presses people to chit chat. So we haven't really gotten close over the last year I've worked here. Also, he's been sort of difficult with me, passive aggressively, at times. I'm sure his mother battling cancer hasn't helped his patience with me, his assistant. Anyway, despite not knowing him well at all, I still really feel for the guy, naturally, and am thinking a lot about him and his family. I just hate the idea of them hearing the doctor's say that there are no more treatment options. It seems like just a few weeks ago she was still getting chemo and was in and out of the hospital. How do you even come to grips with the fact that the fight is over? That the inevitable is upon you and your family?

His emails to a few select people at the firm (copying me) say she's sleeping a lot and that the time table is not looking good. How tragic and awful. I cannot imagine going through that. Nor can I imagine returning to a day job afterwards. I feel like this guy should take the rest of 2008 off, if not longer. But this is a very hard industry in which to do that. Luckily we work for a law firm that is very small and very respectful of their employees personal lives. I can only hope he takes all the time he needs. The idea of sending work related emails after your mother just passed away seems more than someone should have to handle. Then again, perhaps the distraction is a blessing in and of itself. I have no idea.

My family and I have really been so incredibly blessed because, knock on wood, we have seen a very limited amount of heartache, at least since I've been alive. I'm really close to my mom's side of the family and not close at all to my dad's side. And out of the members of my mom's side of the immediate family - grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins - who have been around since I was born, none of them have passed away, prematurely or otherwise. Both of my grandparents are still with us, vibrant, strong, fun, and in charge of the family. And besides my grandfather and my aunt both having cancers that were operable, nobody has been sick. That has been such an incredible blessing, I'm sure I don't even really fully understand the magnitude of it.

This Christmas, Kevin and I plan to film some footage of my family, documentary style. We'll ask them questions and get them answering the questions on tape. I'm so excited to commemorate them in this way. I love them so much.

Anyway, moving on to less heavy topics - this Saturday is December 6, aka St. Nicholas Day. This is a holiday most people I know have never heard of. I think it's German in origin. But my family has always practiced it. Basically, the idea is that St. Nicholas comes to your house on December 6th and leaves a little pre-Christmas present for you on your doorstep. But he rings the bell and runs away before you can see him. I've also heard versions where children leave their shoes out at night and they are filled with candies when they wake up in the morning.

When I was a kid, this was a very exciting, and sometimes scary day. Because I would get very freaked out when I heard the bell ring and I imagined that St. Nicholas was outside. The idea of this bizarre Santa Claus-like type figure who was mysterious and sneaky really freaked me out. But I would eventually creep to the front door to see if anything was there. And there was always a big brown paper bag, stapled shut, with little presents inside! It was the BEST.

My mom has kept up the tradition every year since I was a kid, always sending me something small and special for St. Nick's Day. And this year was no different. The package arrived yesterday and I couldn't wait until Saturday to open it! She sent us the most adorable little presents. A pair of earrings for me, a funny rudolph pen that has funny punching fists and a light-up nose, a cute keychain, awesome reindeer pajama pants for Kev, and three AWESOME ornaments for our tree! Two of them are these super neat (I LOVE THEM) cat face ornaments - one is a black cat and the other is a red cat! Just like our cats! We've put the lights on our tree so far, but haven't done the ornaments yet, so we put the Floyd and Chawser ornaments on it right away last night. They look so cool. My mom is the best.

Speaking of Floyd, another lovely treat was that this morning, I woke up around 6am to Floyd curled up sleeping right next to me. He usually sleeps at the food of our bed, if he sleeps with us at all, but he's never once in the entire time I've owned him slept with me, next to my head/torso, on the bed. It was so sweet and lovely. He's a big cat and I loved feeling his funny warm cat body all curled up next to me. He tried to get up a few times throughout the morning, but he just kept getting sleepy and plopping right back down and going back to sleep. I just LOVED it. He took up a ton of room on the bed, but I still hope this is the beginning of a new habit. I'd love to have him next to me every night. I think he's doing it because it's drafty in the apartment at night. Chawser was also curled up in his own little self-made cocoon of blankets on the couch when I got up this morning. He'd dug himself a little cave of covers. They are precious.

In food and exercise related news, things are good. The scale is down and I feel good. I definitely overate on Thanksgiving and I gained a pound last week from all the festivity, but the scale is already back down after a few good workouts. I spent a lunch hour lifting on Tuesday and I'm still pretty sore from it. And I took a nice long 50 minute walk through Central Park on my lunch break yesterday, which felt great. I chose to do that instead of hitting the gym and it was a good decision.

We went out for a friend's birthday dinner last night at a pulled pork joint - and I ate half a pound of pulled pork! All by myself! It was seriously beyond delicious. But I checked this morning and it was only 7 points, or about 325 calories. So no big deal. The upside is that I was SO full from it (Kev and I ate quickly because we had to leave the gathering early to perform our improv shows) that I spent the rest of the night digesting and chugging water and didn't need or want another lick of food. So the scale was actually down this morning, which was a nice surprise.

I'll go workout again tonight after work. I'm thinking some light lifting, some pilates, and a 30-35 minute cardio session. I'm not sure I'll have time for much more. After the gym, I'm going to coach improv, like I said, and won't be home until midnight. Oof. I'm looking forward to coaching though. I've never done it before, so it should be interesting. I think I know what I'm doing. I THINK. ;)

I plan to workout a lot this weekend too. I didn't get in as much as I wanted to last week, which was fine, but I've got the itch again, so I'll squeeze it in when I can. I also need to squeeze in a TJ's run! But I'm thinking of taking a page out of my friend Jess' book and trying to really eat all the stuff in my cabinets!

Workworkwork. Back to work.

The Tree.

2008-12-02T14:50:00.004-05:00

That's my adorable boyfriend last night, standing in the 28th Street subway station WITH OUR CHRISTMAS TREE! WAHOO!!

You'd think it would be a horrible nightmare to get that thing from Manhattan to Brooklyn, on the subway, and ultimately down the block to our apartment. But you'd be wrong. It wasn't too bad at all.

Granted, I wasn't the one carrying it.

;)

He was a real trooper. AND, he's Jewish! So this was a true mitzvah, his carrying that tree home and helping me set it up. He was covered in sap and pine needles when all was said and done. I love him.

It was too late by the time we got home (around 11) to start decorating it. I still loved seeing it all unwrapped and settling into its new home in our living room. We trimmed some of the unruly branches and arranged it just-so, gave it some water, and enjoyed the amazing aroma. I plan to at least get the lights on it tonight. I'm so happy we have it, finally. I wanted to get it on Friday, after Thanksgiving, but we stayed in Brooklyn for most of the weekend and couldn't find anyone selling trees on Friday. The tree stands are popping up all over the place now, of course, so we could have bought it in Brooklyn, but we got it in Manhattan and it got to take a subway ride. How many Christmas trees can say that?

I did get to do some other decorating in the house - just some extra greens from the tree with blue lights and ornaments peppered throughout. Looks cheesy but it's cute and festive. I can't wait until the tree is done and we can hang out by treelight at night. Love that.

More tomorrow!

It's a beautiful day.

2008-11-26T14:16:00.002-05:00

Guess what?

I feel better.

I feel so. much. better. I'm not sure if I'm back to 100% or not, but I'm terrified of losing this mojo so I'm gonna take it real easy nonetheless.

The bottomline, however, is that I feel better. I woke up this morning, having gone to sleep last night with a slightly sore, but mostly numbed-out tooth, and two illnesses (stomach bug and sinus bug) hanging on for dear life. And I woke up this morning feeling like a normal person again.

And let me tell you. Normal personhood feels exquisite right now. I think I'm basically out of the woods entirely with the body illnesses. And this tooth thing - well - I could not be happier that it's FINALLY SOLVED. I don't have anywhere near the pain I had yesterday, I don't have anywhere near the pain I've been having for the last year. It actually feels better. Which is a miracle to me. This place in my mouth has been a constant source of pain and avoidance for a long while. I have no idea why I waited so long to deal with it. But when compounded with the other sickness stuff, it became unbearable and had to be addressed.

Jess mentioned to me that she's known people with mouth infections/issues who realized that they felt better in general, overall, once the infection got cleared up. I certainly wouldn't rule out that possibility here. Plus, the fact that I can tell that the antibiotic is fighting the infection is making me so happy. So whether that's psychosomatic or actual body chemistry - I'll take it.

My face muscles on the right side are a bit sore today. I had five different shots in my mouth yesterday and it makes your whole face feel tight and reactive. But I know that will go away in the next few days. I really hope the work the doctor did (he basically had to build out a whole extra piece onto my tooth so that the area wouldn't get re-infected) solves the problem completely. I'm going to be diligent about keeping the area clean. Any good advice for a super healthy mouth - I'll take it!

So I'm in a great mood right now. I get out of work in about 25 minutes for the rest of the weekend, obviously. And I'm excited. The office is very quiet right now - most everyone has already left for the holiday. Sweet Kevin is at home right now, trying his hand at some sausage cornbread stuffing for tomorrow. We basically have no idea what we're doing, specifically with regard to the turkey. But I've tried to read up a bit and we have somewhat of an action plan, so I think it should work itself out. I hope. We're getting up early tomorrow to get started, just in case shit goes awry. Regardless, I am so happy and excited and have warm feelings all over to get to cook my very first Thanksgiving dinner with my honey.

When I leave work in a little while, I'm hitting the gym. I'm really looking forward to it. I haven't worked out since Saturday and now that I'm feeling so good (I think the huge dose of antibiotic in my mouth recallibrated all body systems), I am EAGER to get back to it. I have a lot of energy today, relatively. And I plan to spend a good 60 minutes on whatever cardio strikes me, and get in some light lifting and ab work too.

After that, I'll head home to Brooklyn where Kevin is toiling away on his stuffing, stopping by the store on my way to grab some last minute ingredients for a pie he wants to make, and I'll help him finish up whatever he's doing. I made the cranberry sauce last night, we're doing the sweet potato casserole and the turkey tomorrow morning, and beyond throwing a salad together and heating up the mashed potatoes, I think we're good to go! Can't wait.

We have improv shows tonight, his is at 7 and mine is at 8. So we'll head back into the city around 6 and spend the night at the PIT (Peoples Improv Theater) with our good friends. I'll probably go out for a drink afterward and then I might go meet up with Daniel at his apartment for a little more hangin-out.

So that's the update. I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving with good friends and family. And I hope you're all able to get a little exercise in. ;) It makes eating plates and plates of food that much more enjoyable.

Cranberry Sauce

2008-11-25T22:43:00.002-05:00

So. :) I've had an eventful day. But I'm ending it contently, blogging while Kevin watches TV. I have a full tummy (more on that in a moment), and I think when I'm done with this I'll crawl into bed and get some much needed rest. I've had sleep issues the last two nights.

Kevin is watching tivo'd American Music Awards. Beyonce is performing. I love this performance.

It smells like cranberry sauce in our house. I just made my first-ever batch. Sort of just to test it out. Then I let it cool down just a little bit and had a spoonful of it over all natural vanilla ice cream. With pecans. It was basically heaven in a small dish. I told Kevin, "I could eat a vat of that." And I could.

I also had a couple cookies, a TINY sliver of pie, really tiny, and some nuts and crackers. I suppose that was my dinner. My eating schedule was all screwed up today. I ate breakfast around 11, "lunch" at 7pm, and "dinner" at 10:30.

Here's what happened: I've been sick for the last 10 days. It's been unpleasant. Nothing terrible, but I've definitely had a bug or bugs and I haven't felt good. Then I got the aforementioned toothache. So I went to the doctor on Monday for the sickness (and I mentioned the toothache to her, yes). She said: sinus infection and stomach flu. I am just now this evening feeling better from all that in a noticeable way. I think the sinus infection is dying down. And my stomach, which felt sour today, feels better tonight.

This tooth thing, I knew, was not entirely related to this sickness though. Sure, being sick probably exacerbated it, but I have had problems with this area of my mouth since at least April, if not well before that.

So I went into the dentist today and got some answers. Problem 1: My gum was receding in a certain spot near my back tooth. And Problem 2: the tooth itself isn't properly aligned with the one next to it. So it exposed up the receding gum AND the gum under the tooth to bacteria. And Problem 3: the area is infected. Which means it's been infected for quite some time. Months. And I think getting sick with two different bugs caused a weakened immune system which caused an inflamed tooth infection. It was just killing me.

The dentist did some shit to my mouth today, unexpectedly, when I went to see him on my lunch break. I HATE the dentist. And this shit was not pleasant. An upside is that had I known this had to happen and had I a week to plan for it mentally, I would have been even more of a wreck today. I was still a wreck. Just like when I got a couple cavities filled in April, I sweat through my jeans. I hate the dentist.

He did some drilling, some shoving of teeth, some rebuilding of a tooth and then he applied some penicillin, and sent me on my way. As the numbing agent started to wear off, though, when I was back at my office 20 minutes later, I ended up in incredible agony. We're talking a 9 on a 10 scale of pain. I was basically in high panic mode on the inside. I couldn't see, think, talk, do anything but fixate on the pain and how badly I needed to get it to stop. I called back the dentist and told them. They told me to try advil and call back in 30 minutes. I'd already taken 2 advil. I took 2 more. I was in excruciating pain. I couldn't wait 30 minutes. I called back in 22. It was the longest 22 minutes of my life.

I was really worried because I came in late to work yesterday because I was sick and had to go to the doctor. I am out of sick days, though. So leaving 2.5 hours early today after coming in 4 hours late yesterday seemed like a stretch to me. But I was in dire straits. I basically shut the door to my boss's office and welled up with tears as I tried to explain to her what was happening. While I was in with her the dentist's receptionist called me back and said to come back into see him immediately. My boss was empathetic and didn't care at all, of course, that I had to go back to the dentist.

I pretty much flew to the dentist's office. It was everything I could do to tell my other bosses I was leaving and to organize my desk and finish up some last tasks. I was in a pain-panic. Nothing else mattered.

By the time I'd gotten to him, the double advil dose had kicked in and I was at a 7 on a 10 scale. I spoke to him and he looked at it and basically said, either we can take out the whole thing we put in your mouth and scrape out the infected tissue. Or you can wait until the antibiotic starts working, which is when the pain will hopefully subside. He said the antibiotic is a huge dose. And with the tissue so infected, it made sense that the tissue would react angrily to the antibiotic and that it would be trying to fight back. It was definitely fighting back. Of course, the antibiotic will prevail. I know this. So I agreed to wait. I didn't want him digging around in there anymore. I said, "But what am I supposed to do until then. Because I'm in agony here." He gave me a shot of another numbing agent in my mouth, which also makes your face feel weird and sore, but it was better than the pain of the infection.

I was on cloud 9 when I walked out of there ten minutes later. Not because it felt good by any means, but because the relief of the excruciating pain was a joyful feeling. Feeling only kinda sore was a god send.

The numbing agent has worn off by now. And yup, the antibiotic seems to have started working. I feel sore but I feel okay. I can stand the pain at this level. And I can already tell that this is gonna make a huge difference in my mouth. This infection has been bothering me for a lot longer than I realized. Now that I associate the soreness to the fact that it's healing, not to the fact that I have an undiagnosed mouth issue, I realize how long I've been living with it as an everyday part of my life. I had stopped noticing that I was noticing it all the time. Isn't that weird?

So that's the saga. Of course it wasn't the end of the world. But there were some moments there where I was in a panic.

WHEW.

It's on the mend. And I think! I might be GETTING BETTER! Overall! This is exciting to me. I've felt like crap for daaaays. I cannot wait to wake up tomorrow feeling good. I know I might not be 100% by any means, but I think I will certainly be on the up and up.

And just in time. We get out of work tomorrow at 3pm and I'm going to go spend a good hour and a half at the gym. I really look forward to it. I haven't worked out since my Saturday run, when I got sick 3/4 of the way through it and didn't recover for 36 hours. I feel like a sloth from the lack of exercise, which is ridiculous, I know. But an amazing workout tomorrow will take care of that, without a doubt. Then I'm going to come home and do some food prep. :) :) And then I have a show at 8pm. I am excited to do some improv tomorrow night and then hopefully - all things permitting - go have a beer with some friends. It's been quite some time since I've been able to do that. Since my birthday weekend to be exact. This has been a rough month.

To borrow a line from my friend Jess, Thursday is Thanksgiving, obviously. And I'm looking forward to it. Kevin, Daniel and I are cooking at my house. I've never made Thanksgiving dinner before and I'm totally stoked. I'm gonna take lots of pictures and really enjoy the day. I plan to go for a run in the morning that day, and a walk in the afternoon with Daniel and Kevin. And then we're gonna eat around 4 or 5. I'm excited to enjoy the day. There are lots of yummy things on the menu. We might meet up with some friends or go see a movie in the evening. And I will be consuming cocktails.

Then, during the weekend, I plan to workout each day. Friday we're getting and hopefully putting up our Christmas tree, Saturday I have a sketch show, and Sunday we're going to see Kevin's parents during the day and going to see a standup comedian (Jim Gaffigan! I love him!) at night. The tickets were a birthday present from Kevin. I'm looking forward to the down time, the time away from work, the time to exercise, and the festivity. I love this time of year.

Honestly, whatever happens now that I'm starting to feel better is fine with me. I'm excited to just be part of the human race again.

2008-11-24T02:45:00.000-05:00

I’m up. It’s 2:45am on Sunday/Monday and I’m awake. I am having a terrible, painful, awful toothache. So about 2 hours ago now, I took a percoset that I had left over from my back injury. My friend at work gave me two percoset. I took one when my back when out three months ago and one tonight. And it’s keeping me up, I think. Or maybe it’s the tooth pain. I’m not actually sure at this point. But I’m sitting here, awake, and well…

I finally googled “severe toothpain” and one common theme I read was vanilla extract. That and baking soda were really the only two consistently mentioned remedies. I did the vanilla extract. And you know what? I kinda worked. That is huge. Because I don’t have the severe, hot-screw-being-drilled pain I had before. But it still hurts like a real bitch. I realized a couple days ago that I actually haven’t being chewing on that side of my mouth for, seriously – MONTHS.

So there’s that. And the other thing is that I’ve had a second go-round, a repeat, if you will, of my flu. I’ve been down and out, big time, for the last 36 hours. I actually finally started feeling better tonight – just before the tooth happened! – after spending the day resting. Long story short, I haven’t felt 100% for two weeks, since the Monday after my birthday. But after the first experience with it, last week, I felt like I was finally recovering. I’ve still had a noticeable headache, sinus congestion, sore throat, and a consistent cough ever since then. So I know I’ve still been mildly sick, but I’ve been really laying low. I have been going to work but I also haven’t been drinking, smoking, or doing anything at all, really, except working, working out, and going to rehearsals and shows. Otherwise I’m at home. I guess it wasn’t enough though. Because I went for a run on Saturday during the day, a long run around the park. And yes it was pretty cold out at the time. Yes. But I was bundled up and I felt good. I’d already been back to working out since I’d first gotten sick.

Well about ¾ of the way through the run, I didn’t feel right. And when I came home, I got sick. It was awful. And I had to get ready, get dressed, and go to my show right after that. I felt pretty rotten for the rest of the night. We went straight home after the rehearsal and show, and I crashed.

I did nothing today. I originally had three things on the agenda: go to an HST business meeting at 11am, go to the Bodies exhibit at 3pm (the tickets for that thing apparently have to be for a specific time and date and we’d gotten tickets as a gift), and a Girls Movie Night with some girlfriends at 7pm. I bailed on all three! Aack! I felt guilty! I was surprised that I felt guilty, actually, but I really did. I had to keep telling myself that it was actually the right thing to do – rather than that it was me bailing on stuff.

I ended up having a really nice day while trying to recuperate. I laid around, Kevin made me breakfast, we watched two episodes of Top Chef, we bought plane tickets online for a wedding we’re going to /I’m in in Miami in March, we had a small soup lunch. We finished planning Thanksgiving. ☺ Then I took a nap, woke up, needed some fresh air badly, so we bundled up and took a walk. I had a nice chat with my mom on the phone just before I left the house – we checked in on holiday stuff (I won’t see her for Thanksgiving, but I am going home for Christmas. Kevin’s coming! Yay!)

The fresh air was great, I actually got a small coffee (half decaf/half reg) and ate a banana while I was out, and I went to the grocery store for a couple small Thanksgiving things. It felt excellent to be out and about., like I really needed the fresh air and to get the blood flowing.

Kevin had gone to pick up Thai food for us and was home when I got there. So we hung out. He talked to his parents, I baked brownies from TJ’s that I’ve been meaning to make (they turned out to be amazing and surprisingly okay calorie-wise). We ate dinner, watched House, watched the movie Catch Me If You Can, in the dark! With popcorn! It was fun. We even moved the couch to a better viewing place for movie-watching. So the room felt fun and different. It was fun.

So it was a really lovely day. And flu-wise, I’m feeling better right now. Even though it’s actually 2am and I’m actually awake with an actual toothache. The last few days have been a joke, health-wise.

Because not only that, but get this – I have a rash on my ankle. I’ve had it for a while, it’s not going away, and I need to get it checked out. I already have a doctor’s appointment for it for tomorrow, which I made last week when I’d already been feeling better after the FIRST flu bout, so I didn’t mention that as my reason for coming in, I just called because I have this rash. So I’ll tell her about both tomorrow Unreal.

And you know what’s funny? I haven’t been sick in over a year.

So that’s that. Sigh. SIGH.

…my tooth is killing me.

☺ I guess if I’m gonna complain about it all though, I should also write about what’s good too. And lots is.

First of all, I’m sitting here in my lovely little house, blogging and eating a brownie.

I’ve had a lot of fun planning Thanksgiving. And I’m looking forward to Christmas. And I’m just generally feeling good about my life right now. I’m having fun, enjoying being myself, and being an adult. My relationship, which is not perfect by any means, is fulfilling, fun, and good. And that’s what I want in life. I love being alone. I also want to have a life with someone. And I really think I’ve found, in the last 4 months of living with my boyfriend for the first time ever, a nice balance of those two worlds. I love him. And I love how our relationship challenges me to be a better person. And I cherish him. He’s wonderful. He’s my best friend.

Work is okay right now and working out is bringing me a great sense of peace and relaxation lately. I’m able to utilize it in that way right now. It feels good. And it makes me feel powerful, capable, and sane.

I’ve lost a total of 11.6 pounds since I recommitted to losing the 18 I gained. YES! I just saw the lowest number I’ve ever seen, this morning. Sweet.

I can’t wait for Christmas.

I think I might get a raise soon. And I’m gonna get a holiday bonus.

So stuff is good. I guess I’m gonna post this and go lay down. I’m not sure I’ll be able to sleep but I should try. It’s either that or I’ll start munching. Because that brownie was good.

I’m calling the dentist in the morning. I’ll be better by Thanksgiving, dammit.

It's beginning to look a lot like...!

2008-11-18T12:09:00.004-05:00

Well, it can certainly be hard to get back into regular blogging when you've taken a long break. But I'll attempt it today. One of my bosses at work is out of the office today (thank you, God) and even though things seem like they could easily get very busy at any moment, I'm going to carve out some personal time.

Most notably, I guess, is that I'm still recovering from having been sick. It wasn't too bad, only lasted about a week, and I wasn't completely down for the count for the entire week. But I have been feeling some form or another of under-the-weather for a while. It's mostly devolved into a nasty sounding cough at this point. But I still wake up congested and headachy each day. It could be a lot worse, I'm well aware. But it's still no fun. I had a fantastic birthday weekend and woke up the Monday after sick as a dog.

Kevin was even sicker than I was, the poor thing. He was down and out for a solid 7 days. He's feeling much better now. And it's so nice to see him alive and well again. He was totally bored, miserable, and in a serious funk by the end of that week.

Anyway. We're both on the up and up, and JUST in the nic. Because things are gettin' festive around here. And I'm loving it.

So. Food and exercise. All is well on both fronts. Despite a minor gain after the week of Halloween, the Election (had a big party), and my Birthday, which was complete with several dinners out and several gatherings involving cupcakes, things are stable, moving down again, and looking good.

As has been my custom since the summer, I'm exercising a lot - usually about 6 times a week - because I love it. If I go a day without it, I can live, but two days, and I start to feel antsy. I've been going on long runs, doing yoga, doing pilates, lifting weights, mixing it up on cardio machines at the gym - pretty much the whole enchilada. And it feels really good. My body has responded really nicely and I feel really slim and fit. (I went to the doctor yesterday for something unrelated and she had to check my abdominal muscles and she said that they're in really great shape. Love that.)

On the days that I don't workout (and no, I don't get in 6 official workouts every single week - sometimes it's 5, sometimes it's 4), I still aim to do something active and physical to keep myself moving and keep the blood flowing. Moving to Brooklyn and adopting a huge, gorgeous park a block away from my apartment into part of my lifestyle has been just amazing. I run, walk and hike around or through that thing at least once a week, if not more. It's perfect. Watching the leaves changes and ultimately begin to fall off has been the inspiration for many long walks (one taken on my birthday, which was awesome); being able to go for a nice long run around the perimeter with lots of other runners, bikers, and walkers doing their thang at the same time has been a great joy for me. And Kevin and I have found ourselves taking long hikes through different hilly parts of the park that we've never seen before (it's a HUGE park) as a way to spend a nice Sunday afternoon together. I will often decide to get on the subway at a stop that is farther away than the one near my house, just so I can walk through the park to get there. It's awesome. I'm dreading when it's way too cold to even think about walking around outside. But I'm hoping those days are few and far between and that even in winter, I can bundle up and get movin. It never stays intolerably frigid for long in New York. (Although it is surprisingly cold today. Gah!)

I've also been doing lots of other activities outside the house like shopping at grocery stores far away and using the varied trip home (up and down the stairs to the subway, walking to and from the store and the house) while carrying the heavy bags as a way to stay active. I pull my abs in, make sure I'm varying the arm muscles I'm using, do little squats at stop lights, and generally try to help myself get stronger. It's fun. I carried home a heavy butternut squash on Saturday and certainly looked like a big weirdo as a I did bicep curls and shoulder presses as I walked.

On Sunday morning I had some errands to run - a trip to Target to return some things and get some other things, and a trip to Trader Joe's to get some ingredients to use with some produce we'd gotten at the farmer's market the day before. Kevin is notoriously difficult to get moving in the morning and usually I'm happy to laze around with him, but on this particular Sunday morning I just wanted to get up and get going. So when I woke up, I announced to him that I was putting on pants and going to run my errands by myself. I spent the morning shopping at my own pace, got in lots of walking and stair climbing and eventual carrying of extremely heavy bags (so heavy I had to call him to meet me at the subway station because I didn't think I could make the 1.5 block walk from the train to the house by myself). I had a tiny piece of bread with a smear of peanut butter on it before I left the house, some coffee and water while I was out and about, and I came home pleasantly ravenous and exhausted but energized. It was a great, active morning. I'm sure I easily burned 500 calories just carrying those fucking bags. It's experiences like that that remind me why I consider myself so lucky to live in a big city where "by-foot" is one of the primary modes of transportation. I wouldn't know what to do with myself otherwise.

I don't usually give myself activity points (the weight watchers version of allowing a little more food in your diet in exchange for exercise) for these kinds of "active" days. I just chalk them up to an active lifestyle and then I don't fret if I have a glass of wine that's a little larger than 4 ounces every once in a while. You get the idea.

Spiritually, my current connection to my physical life is such a blessing. I really feel more connected to myself, my body, and my thoughts when I'm active. I feel a meditative state wash over me and I remind myself to slow down mentally, stop ruminating about so many little details, and just be. It's something I really need.

Another spiritual experience for me lately has been cooking. I know I've mentioned here before that since moving in with Kevin, I've becoming a lot more aware of what we're both putting into our bodies by way of making sure we have healthy, natural, organic foods in the house at all times. We made a lasagna, a butternut squash soup from scratch, and an apple cake this weekend. It was a blast. And very tiring. But we had a great time cooking together and now we have a ton of food for the whole week.

Also, I'm trying to take more time when eating my meals - that doesn't mean focusing more on food - it actually means focusing less on food. I'm doing stuff like saying a quick blessing before I eat to be thankful for the fact that I'm able to sit down to a delicious meal, taking my time to chew each bite and savor the flavors, and giving my body and mind time to sync up and register when I've had enough to eat.

So the general experience of buying, preparing, and consuming food lately has been something special for me. I'm sure it's not something I will always have the time or mental wherewithal to do, but for now, it's a nice habit to practice.

I'm in a great place with how much I'm eating. There's no food I can't have right now. Quite the contrary actually. If I want dessert, I try to find something very decadent and rich to eat. That way, it feels special and I feel satisfied after just a few bites. If I want pizza, I get the best looking slice I can find, maybe two slices! And enjoy every morsel. Usually I want veggies or whole grains or some filling lean protein. But when I crave something else, I have it.

I guess a lot of what led me to this place of relaxation and ease with some of this stuff is this book I've mentioned a few times called "Fit From Within." It's just a collection of really short chapters on ways to eat and live more intuitively and naturally, without having to focus on what you're eating or not eating. It is certainly something that wouldn't have helped me when I had 110+ pounds to lose. I needed something much more guided then. But now that I've lost the weigh and I'm in a place of wanting to lose a tiny bit more, but mostly to maintain my weight, while getting my mind out of the place of needing to count calories or deprive myself of certain things, this book has been a nice tool. I haven't even read the whole thing. But after just a few pages you really start to get a sense of what this woman is talking about. And you begin to realize the ways in which you, or I guess I should say 'I', have NOT been living/eating as intuitively as I'd like to be.

Ultimately, I don't want to have to think about any of it. I want to be 40, 50, 60 years old, naturally thin, active, healthy, and able to eat three squares a day that maintain my weight, keep me nutritiously fueled, and allow for a giant piece of cake once a month - all without having to think about it much more than "Hm. I should probably go for a run tomorrow. That was a big glass of wine."

THAT is the reality I dream of. I'm not there yet. But I'm closer than I was a month ago. And much closer than I was 6 years ago. It's exciting. And I know it's within reach.

Something very obvious that this book discusses is the idea that life doesn't revolve around eating. I KNOW it, but I haven't fully lived it, possibly ever. It's been really nice to learn to have an understanding of what that means and to consider being finished thinking about food for a while when I've finished the last bite of a meal. It's an ongoing process, but something I'm grateful to have in my frame of reference now. There is no doubt in my mind that reading this book is helping me enjoy food in a different way and is helping me to live a more fulfilling life by not caring so much about what I eat.

I feel 28, I really do. Whatever the hell that means. I feel more mature, responsible, capable, and qualified than I ever have before in my life. It's really sort of a wonderful place to be. I had a really tough fucking time of it in my late teens and early twenties. It was easily the darkest darkness I think I'll ever know. It gave me the capacity to relate to people who've lived through difficult circumstances. And I feel now like I've really earned my 28 years. I feel that I really deserve to say No to people when I say No, to stand up for myself when I do, to have the friends and family I have, to be in the relationship I'm in. And I also have a greater sense than ever before that this is "It." Meaning, my life is not gonna be starting at any point in the future. This is IT. For better or worse, this is my life, this is my ADULT life. This is who I am and every day is a day in my life. I'm not waiting for anything to happen or any big event to change everything or for anything to begin. There is no "once I" or "as soon as I" or "someday I'll" that makes NOW any less real or less My Life. It's interesting to realize that I haven't fully felt that way until now. And I'm not sure what made me realize it. There's just something so adult about hearing myself say "28" when asked how hold I am. I remember being a kid and thinking 28 was ancient.

Anyway, you get the idea.

Oh and a quick note about my job: It's good for a paycheck. And I'm glad I have a job and health benefits in this difficult economic time. I'm still regularly broke and have to be very aware of what I'm spending, but it could absolutely be significantly worse and I know that. And I'm grateful for the privilege to come to work every day. That said, things have been a bit insane around here lately. There has been some major drama going on that is no fun. Offices, I find, are like that. There's drama. I do not want to be someone who ends up spending her life working in an office environment. (The chairs alone would kill me.) So my movable goal is to stay here for another year (this past week was my 1 year anniversary at this job), and leave to move onto greener pastures. Pastures that are not in an office. It's not THIS office that I don't want to work in - it's not so bad - it's all of them that I don't want to work in. This is not what I want for my life. (Which is happening NOW, btw ;) I'm not sure what I'll do or what it will involve - though I have some ideas. But I am sure that I want a lifestyle different than this one. And it's my lose goal to be able to get there by my 29th birthday. I can certainly tough it out in the meantime. After all, this IS my life, and I'll be damned if I'm going to be a grouch about my job every day, even if it's not the ideal workplace. So in the year that I have left here, I'm going to attempt to make the most of it - since I'm sure there are aspects of it that I'll miss when it's gone. I'm hoping that the next calendar year, starting right now, will be about opening myself up to finding out what the next thing will be. I'm eager to embark on what will hopefully be a journey of discovery in that regard.

On a much lighter, less hippie-chick note, I'm so excited that it's basically the holidays! I love the holidays. I had a fun Halloween - check, and a great birthday - check, and now it's onto Thanksgiving. Kev and I are going to cook at our house for ourselves and our friend Daniel for turkey day. And we're also planning to volunteer that day (which is proving harder than expected - I can't get anyone to call me back about volunteering!), or if not on Thursday, at some point that weekend. I want to really focus on giving back and giving of myself this holiday season. It's something I need a lot more of in my life. And I think the constant purchasing of material gifts for the people we love this time of year is absolutely inane. So I'm boycotting that, I'm going to make most of my presents this year, and I'm going to try to do a little volunteering. It's a start.

I'm excited to cook my first-ever Thanksgiving meal! I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing. Should be fun! :) Having a Home for the first time in a long time (my last apartment was not a place that anyone would want to spend a great deal of time - very dingy, dark, and not conducive to comfort), and having a home with Kevin, has been so fun for me and for us as a couple. And of course, the holidays will now be that much more exciting! I have a house to decorate, much to my Jewish boyfriend's dismay, with Christmas paraphernalia, holiday tunes to play, and general festivity to exude. I'm excited. We're going to put up our tree the day after Thanksgiving. I bought some trimmings for it this past weekend, I already have a ton of ornaments, and I bought us four cheap stockings (Jen, Kevin, Floyd, and Chawser) and we put our names on them with glue and glitter! Awwww. So gross and crafty I can't even stand it. But it was fun. And I'm having a blast with it.

I'm so excited to get the tree put up and our house smelling like pine, and to snuggle in for a festive December. It's cold here today, and as I was walking to work this morning, there were tons of workers putting up holiday decorations all over the city. It felt so nice. And of course 5th Avenue is already completely decorated with lights, bows, and bells. It's about that time!

YUCK.

2008-11-12T18:19:00.001-05:00

I'm sick. I'm 98% sure it's the flu. Zzzzzzzzz.

Belated Birthday Blogging

2008-11-10T12:21:00.005-05:00

Sooo. Long overdue blogpost here.

Let me first starting by saying that I'm 97% certain that I'm getting sick. Kevin's health has been slowly declining in the last week or so and it all culminated with him finally crashing yesterday. We've been going nonstop for a solid two weeks now. And yesterday we took a nice long 45 minute walk through the park, during which he seemed fine and said he felt good, but then we got on the subway (final destination was to be Ikea to look for new beds) and he looked at me with these big puppy dogs eyes and said that he felt really drained and yucky all of a sudden. The poor guy. We got off the train, got him some lunch, and turned right back around to go home. No need to put him through a full day of shopping and walking around.

He spent the rest of the day on the pull-out couch (we've been sleeping in the living room because there's a serious draft in our bedroom that we haven't had a chance to mend yet), watching TV, resting, sipping tea, and eating soup and a grilled cheese sandwich.

I woke up at 3am to him coughing like crazy, which broke my heart. I got up and fixed him some theraflu, but I noticed that I suddenly also didn't feel 100%. My ears were feeling cloggy, my throat was hurting, my sinuses all felt sore and I had a killer headache. I'm sure it didn't help that I, as a final birthday weekend hurrah, had two margaritas and a cupcake last night. But after getting a full 8 hours of sleep and plenty of water, I still feel pretty lethargic, achey, and generally not 100% today. Alas, all good things do come to an end, don't they.

Good things: I had a wonderful birthday! :) My actual birthday was on Friday.

Rewind to two Fridays ago, Halloween, which is also my good friend Faryn's birthday. She had a party at a bar downtown. We all dressed up in costumes (I was a Kid on Christmas Morning) and we got pretty drunk. It was the first time in a long time that I've gone out full tilt like that. It was fun for a little while but after a few drinks I was pretty miserable and ready to get the hell out of there. It was hot, dark, and very very crowded. So that was big party night Number One.

Then, Tuesday was Election Day, as you're all well aware. I had a party at my apartment that night. Kevin couldn't be there because he was hosting a political type comedy show at the PIT (the theater we're involved in). I was bummed we didn't get to be together on election night but he got home in time to watch Obama's speech, so that was nice. That was another alcohol-infused, food-infused event. We had a great time. My neighborhood went absolutely insane when it was announced that Obama won. It was easily one of the best, most memorable nights of my life. But in terms of healthy living, I ate a lot and drank a lot that night. More than I intended to. And my stomach certainly paid for it for the next few days. So that was another big party night, only a few days after the one prior.

Two days later, Thursday, was my birthday eve. I worked during the day on Thursday, had to do a quick 10-minute sketch comedy set around 7:30pm and then began my Birthday Weekend. :)I took Friday off work (which was a brilliant move that I now plan to execute every year for my birthday) so Thursday night was a small birthday party at a bar in the East Village. I met up with Kevin before the pary, who looked adorable and was obviously very excited to shower me with birthday love for a few days. We grabbed a quick sandwich at this falafel place (best chicken shwarma I've ever had) and then headed to the bar.

It ended up being a really nice night. We didn't stay too late, which was lovely, and I only had a couple beers and did a shot of some yummy blueberry vodka. Then! At midnight! Kevin surprised me, with the help of a few of our friends, with 28 gourmet cupcakes! (28th birthday.) Everyone sang to me, then I blew out the candles and enjoyed a most-delicious cupcake. We left shortly after that, with our friends Faryn and David, who live near us. Before we got in the cab, we got some pizza (I split a slice with Faryn), which was also delicious. So it was a fun party, all my dearest friends showed up, and I didn't get too drunk or too full on cupcakes, which was ideal. (We had plenty of leftover cupcakes, though. I made Faryn take a whole tray of them home with her. Thank god.)

When we got home that night, it was probably around 1:30am (so, officially my birthday), and I got another wonderful surprise. Kevin, who is honestly the best guy I've ever known :), had cleaned the entire apartment INCLUDING reorganizing a messy closet that had been stressing me out. AND he set up big balloons and a stunning boquet of roses in the kitchen, which were waiting for me when I walked in. I almost cried. It was the sweetest, most perfect surprise. I love flowers, especially roses, especially yellow roses, I love surprises, I haven't gotten balloons on a birthday in AGES, and I felt so special. And it never left my mind that I was also carting around a big bag of delicious CUPCAKES. What girl would not be thrilled? Balloons, roses, cupcakes, a CLEAN APARTMENT, and surprises! I was in heaven. I could not stop thanking him and smooching him. It was awesome.

There were also a couple gifts and cards on the table, but I decided to wait until the morning to open them. I'm pretty strict like that about birthday presents, and Christmas presents for that matter.

We woke up around 10:45 on my birthday. And I was pleased as can be to be alive. I'd had a really fun party and if my birthday had ended right when I walked in the door the night before, I would have been happy. But there was more in store! Yessss.

I was so glad I took the day off work. We decided to just relax and do whatever we pleased all day. It was so lovely. We sat at the kitchen table in the morning and opened my presents in our pajamas, while my phone buzzed nonstop with text messages, emails, and phone calls. It was so nice. I think I had a perma-grin on my face all day long on Friday. I got lots of lovely presents from my mom, cards from family, another awesome gift from Kevin (wonderful slippers called Hot Sox that you can heat in the microwave to keep your feet toasty in the winter), and a card from my cats. ;)

After present-opening, we decided to take a nice long walk through the park. The fall colors in Prospect Park are absolutely breathtaking right now. We were pretty hungry when we left the house but we wanted to wait to eat, because we'd planned to make a big breakfast after our long walk. But birthday excitement and hunger got the best of me and I did something I've been daydreaming of doing for probably a year now. I went to McDonalds.

We decided to split a quarter pounder and a small fry. That was more than enough food - so ridiculous to think there was a time years ago when I could have eaten the entire meal and then some, but half of the sandwich a few fries was more than enough. Let me just say: Yum. It's certainly not something I could eat everyday or even every week, and I did feel a little odd/gross after I finished eating, but it was delicious (in that fake kinda way) and definitely satisfied a craving.

We set off on our walk right away, which easily burned off everything we ate at McDonalds. It was a nice long walk, about an hour and a half, and I got to chat with my mom on the phone at one point, which was also nice. I love taking walks with Kevin. It's very peaceful.

Once home, we showered and got ready to head into the city. He had a show at 7, I had one at 11, and I wanted to stop by DSW to look for boots AND get a massage beforehand. DSW yielded nothing, but the massage, 60 full minutes, was very nice. I watched Kevin's show at 7, and then he took me out to a fancy dinner at a place called The House.

It was a FANCY place so I felt a little out of my element, but it was deeeelicious food and a very enjoyable experience overall. Great atmosphere, good wine, good service. I really enjoyed it. Kev told me over dinner that he had one more surprise for me: he's taking me to see one of our favorite stand-up comedians at the end of the month! Awwww. Great present.

After dinner, including delicious dessert of which I only had a few bites, we decided to walk off our meal once again by heading back to the theater on foot. Only about a 20 minute walk, but good for calorie-burning.

I did my show at 11, which was fun, and then Kevin and I headed home. I didn't think my stomach could handle another night of drinking, so I opted out of the bar scene, even though it was technically still my birthday. We just went home instead. Where I had a cupcake. ;)

The next day, Saturday, which I decided was still my birthday, sorta, was a lovely day. It rained like crazy for most of the day, but I didn't mind. I woke up around 11, Kevin made us a big delicious breakfast, then I fell back to sleep! I woke up momentarily when Kevin kissed me goodbye (he had to go into the city for a meeting for most of the day and was then doing a show at night) and I proceeded to fall right back to sleep. FOR THREE HOURS! Amazing.

Of course I woke up around 4pm in a fit of "What the fuck just happened?!" and I had a little bit of guilt that I'd wasted the day. But it seems I really needed that sleep. I haven't had a good midday nap like that in a long time. I felt awesome when I woke up. Since it was raining all day long, the cats slept with me the entire time. Lovely.

After that, I got my act together, enjoying the solitude in every respect, and headed to Target. I had a gift certificate to spend and some birthday money to spend. It was great - I let myself get a bunch of new stuff that I wouldn't normally spring for (new winter boots, some new sweaters and tops, new finger bowls for smaller portions) and had a great time doing it. Then I went to the new Trader Joe's in Brooklyn, which was also delightful. I had a bit of a train nightmare trying to get there, but I didn't mind. Once I arrived, I enjoyed another great shopping trip. This location is bigger and less hectic than the one in Union Square. I got lots of great stuff. And then took a cab home. I was feeling very content.

Once home, I noticed that the rain had cleared and we were enjoying a beautiful night. Even though it was lateish, I had a ton of energy (from my huge nap), so I set out on a long run. It was so wonderful. There were lots of people out running around the park or walking their dogs, and the leaves on the ground were crunching beneath my feet. I hadn't gone on a long outdoor run in quite some time and it was easy and awesome. I felt fantastic. An hour later, a little sore and definitely hungry, I headed home.

I stretched, made a great big meal (chicken sausage with peppers and onions, butternut squash soup, a big spinach salad, and a piece of focaccia bread) since I hadn't eaten since breakfast, and settled in for some TV. Alllll alone. :) :)

I haven't spent an almost-entire-day alone in a long time. I love to spend time by myself. I was an only child so I'm sure that has something to do with it. I love hanging out with Kevin, but there's something equally as delightful in being able to be completely by myself. I spent the day exactly as I wanted to: I got to exercise, got to shop at my own pace, got to watch whatever I wanted on tv - it was just a great day. A second birthday, if you will. ;)

Yesterday, Sunday, was a gorgeous, sunny, warm day. I went out for coffee and then made a big breakfast while Kevin slept in (his sickness was creeping in) and woke him up to eat. Then we took our walk, enjoying the weather, the beautiful leaves, the people watching, and the delightful Brooklyn Sunday.

After Kevin's sickness kicked in and we cut our trip short to head home so he could rest, I forced myself to go for another outdoor run. I didn't necessarily want to, and I'd already gone on a long walk earlier in the day. But I had plans to go out for Tex Mex dinner at my favorite restaurant with Daniel. Last birthday hurrah. (Daniel hadn't been able to come to my party on Thursday.) So I decided that if I had the time to kill and knew I was going out for a big meal, a run was probably the responsible move. It ended up being another great one, though, so I'm glad I went. I stretched and did some abs when I got home. Then I showered, made Kevin some get-well dinner, and headed back out to meet up with Daniel.

A big meal of fajitas and two strong margaritas later, Daniel came back to the apartment with me to watch some TV and have one of those fancy cupcakes.

I was stuffed (and still tipsy) when I got into bed. I had snacked on a couple more items after Daniel left, which was totally unnecessary and made me feel sick with fullness. But I vowed that that would be the end of the celebrating for a while and made my peace with it all before falling asleep.

A great birthday, a great birthday weekend, and I'm now glad to return to some normalcy.

I do 'feel' 28, whatever that means. Most importantly, I know it's going to be another really good year.

I've got nothing to celebrate in the next few weeks, no big parties, no birthdays, no elections, no reason to overeat or overdrink. And that's fine by me. I need a little detox after this week and a half of indulgence.

I will say that in terms of the potential for damage, I did very little. And I wrote down every morsel, for accountability, and (generally) stopped when I was full. I only had bites of things that seemed to be too rich or filling for me to eat in their entirety, I drank lots of water, kept the alcohol consumption relatively low for the most part, and the best best part is that despite being busy every night, and despite being in celebration mode half the time, I didn't let exercise fall by the wayside once.

This past week was another week of 6 workouts. And it felt really good. I know that my exercise has been instrumental in my not gaining 5 pounds or feeling like a big donut after all these festivities. Again, I was pretty good and never stuffed my face (except for maybe a little on election night - yikes), but the exercise is key. I've been enjoying the hell out of working up a sweat every day. And I don't see that changing any time soon. Even when I'm not able to get a formal heart-pumping session in, I've been choosing to go for long walks to get from point A to B, rather than taking the subway. The key this upcoming week is to a.) accept the inevitable gain I will see on the scale tomorrow, b.) keep exercising, and c.) return to a healthy, diverse diet with plenty of fruits and greens, and WITHOUT rich desserts every night. I know I can do it. I know I will see a birthday gain on the scale tomorrow, but I know I can return to normalcy without much fuss. The ability to do that, which I've honed over the years, is a blessing. (The book I'm reading "Fit From Within," is really interesting and has allowed me to shift perspective recently on what role food plays in my life. Good stuff there.)

Hopefully, mostly for myself more than anything, I will post some thoughts soon on turning 28 and what I hope for out of the next year (just like I did last year - and a lot of those hopes became reality!) because I think it really helps me to reframe and refocus. But for now, I had a really nice, really lovely, really thoughtful-thanks-to-my-wonderful-boyfriend birthday that made me feel really special and loved. It was a perfect few days, spent exactly as I hoped they'd be spent - enjoying myself and my friends. :) I can't say I'm not bummed that it's over. Returning to work this morning was not fun. But with Thanksgiving vacation only 2.5 weeks away, I think I'll be okay.

President Elect Barack Obama!!!

2008-11-05T18:38:00.003-05:00

All is well with me, I've just been super busy lately, which is why I haven't been posting. And this post will be really quick because I have to leave work for the day shortly.

I just want to say how thrilled, excited, and moved I am by the fact that this country elected Barack Obama yesterday. I have believed, beyond a shadow of a doubt, since before the primaries that this man was the man for the job. Hilary Clinton said it best when she said that what America needs right now is a transformational figure and that Obama can be that for us. She's right. That figure is this man. And I could not be happier.

It was a blessing and an honor to be a New Yorker last night. This city celebrated with such fierce joy and elation that I will never in my life forget. When the networks announced that he'd won, everyone at the gathering at my apartment began to cheer, and then we went outside only to hear other people screaming and cheering from inside their houses. And then everyone began to pour into the streets. And this happened all across the city. What the unfolded was basically the biggest party this town has ever seen. I high-fived, hugged, and grinned at so many people last night. There was such an excellent sense of community to discover how badly we wanted the same thing and how happy we all were to have achieved it. It felt like the world experienced a shift in those moments. And it was striking.

I've blogged this on my regular blog (link on the right), and retold it to several people today, but I have to write it here too: Voting on Tuesday in a predominantly black neighborhood was awesome, watching grandsons wheel their grannies up to the polls to vote the first black president into office was awesome, partying, cheering, and celebrating with my best friends and in Brooklyn, NY was awesome, but one of the loveliest moments of all for me was this morning: I stopped at the deli to get a coffee and an old black woman with a cane hobbled in at the same time. She was there to buy a newspaper with Barack Obama's face on the cover. And as she paid for her newspaper, she started to sing "This is the day that the Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it."

I'll never forget it.

-------------------------------------

On a totally separate and completely meaningless-in-comparison Weight Watcher note, all is well with that too. I ate A LOT last night at my election party - I guess when I wrote it all down it wasn't that bad, but I was beyond stuffed once everyone finally left our apartment. Plenty of chips, dip, and alcohol. Plus other crap. But I'm back on it today, had a great week last week (6 days of working out - nice), the scale has been rewarding me, and I feel good.

And my 28th birthday! Is on Friday! I'm doing drinks out tomorrow night with friends and a full-day of whatever we please with Kevin on Friday. (I took the day off work.) So if I overeat a little this week, I'll live. ;) However after last night's festivities, I could easily see myself going light for a few days. And I've got a bunch of workouts planned for the rest of the week, all of which I'm looking forward to executing.

To sum up: I'm exhausted, I've been so busy, I'm excited to turn 28, I'm happy with my weight, and I'm so thrilled about our new President. :)

2008-10-24T10:30:00.003-04:00

I wrote a whole big long entry last night that got promptly DELETED due to a blogger error. ROAR.

Meanwhile, my cubicle mate is presently eating a huge cupcake for breakfast. Red velvet. (She's...um...not thin?...so...I don't feel SO jealous.)

I'll try to write later today. All is well. Looking forward to the weekend. Blah blah blah.

Stupid computers.

Comedy.

2008-10-22T13:32:00.001-04:00

I can't figure out how to post a video directly to my blog, so this link with have to suffice.

My sketch comedy group was featured on a TV show called "Attack of the Show."

It's a nice segment and it makes me feel proud. :)

Nope, a brownie.

2008-10-22T13:30:00.004-04:00

I ended up having such a nice night last night.

I left work, fully intending to go to a pilates class with my night off from rehearsal. Then I realized that the days that I get to go directly home from work are so few and far between that I can only remember having done it one other time since I moved into Kevin's apartment in July. JULY! So I decided, eff it, I already worked out once today, I'll do pilates on my own when I get home, I'm skipping the class.

I'm glad I did because about 8 seconds after making this decision, my period started. Ah, yes. Wonderful. I had to stop at a store and buy advil immediately - there was no way I could wait the 40 minutes until I got home to calm the cramps. Thank god for advil. It works every time for me.

I'd already decided earlier in the day that I'd stop at the store to get some kind of special sweet treat. I popped into a gourmet market on my way to the subway and picked up a most delicious (and surprisingly low-calorie even though it was regular full fat) organic coffee flavored ice cream and a small package of all-natural caramel pecan brownies. I was so excited to make a decadent treat for after supper. And it was not my intention to self-soothe with the sweets or anything like that, I just knew I wanted a yummy reward for a good OP day. But as I stood in the check out line with advil, ice cream, and brownies, it did not escape me that I was clearly a girl who just started her period. It made me laugh.

I tucked my precious brownies into a safe place in my gym bag so they wouldn't get smushed, downed my advil, and headed to the subway. I kept hoping I'd find something to read on the way home, like a newspaper or magazine just laying around, but I didn't see anything as I walked down the street. But when I got on the train there was a Page Six magazine sitting right on the seat I was going to sit in. Sweet! So I read trashy gossip the whole train ride home.

My cramps had subsided when I got home so I changed into clean workout clothes, having already done a solid 30 minutes of hard cardio at the gym over my lunch break, and did some pilates in front of the TV. It was nice and felt good, probably did about 25-30 minutes worth.

Kevin was out with a friend for the evening so I was on my own for dinner. I was so excited to broil up my tilapia, to have along with some brown rice and a salad. But when I got the tilapia out of the package and onto the broiling pan, I knew I just couldn't eat it. I know, I know, it's not that fishy. And I totally believe you, Jess, when you tell me you like it and that I will too. I am definitely willing to try it again. And I plan to. But last night it just wasn't happening. Maybe it was hormonal, but the smell of the raw fish made me gag and I could barely stand to handle it to put it in the oven, let alone eat it. What a baby, right? I cooked it anyway, thinking maybe I'd taste it once it was done and like it. But I knew it wasn't happening. I made an egg and bacon sandwich while the fish cooked. :) I'm such a wuss.

I cooked it through, though, and saved it for Kevin who said he might reheat it today for lunch. It looked tasty when it was done cooking but I was already so over it, mentally, that there was no hope for me.

I still had a spinach salad, which was delicious and filling. And then my 1 egg, low-sodium bacon, half a piece of cheese sandwich on spelt bread. It was very delicious and I enjoyed my dinner very much. (Probably mostly because it meant I was one step closer to dessert.)

I puttered around a bit after that, doing some dishes, playing with the cats, organizing some paperwork, and watching TV. When I finally couldn't distract myself any longer, I prepared my dessert.

Let me just tell you that it was one of the most enjoyable flavor explosions I've experienced in a while. It was a delicious, decadent dessert that tasted heavenly, was all-natural, all made with ingredients I could pronounce, and took a while to eat. Also, I had the points to spare from my two workouts of the day. And it was a wonderful reward.

Here it is, on my lap on the couch, looking unfortunately unappealing due to being semi-eaten and the pic being from a low-quality camera:

I know it looks a little weird, but I still had to show you. It was about 3/4 of a cup of organic coffee ice cream (this was so good and made the dish), sprinkled with cappucino flavored wafers that I received in a package from my dad, along with half of a caramel pecan brownie that was rich and to die for. And then! To top it off! I made some gourmet hot cocoa that my dad also sent. Just a tiny cup of it for about 1 point. But it tasted like a chocolate dream. Perhaps I'm gushing now, but I was in heaven. Just to reitterate. Heaven.

ANYWAY. After that, I did a little emailing, had a small handful of nuts, then snuggled onto the couch (decided to fall asleep watching TV until Kevin came home - makes the house feel less scary), and drifted off.

He woke me up when he got home around 2 and brought me into the bedroom. I woke up again at 5:55am to more bad cramps (I'd forgotten to take advil before going to sleep), so I got up to take some meds, feed the cats, and then Kevin woke up too. We ended up laying there chatting for a good 35 minutes around 6am. We were both feeling restless and not super sleepy. He rubbed my lower back for a while, which was so soothing and wonderful because my insides felt really sore. I finally fell asleep and got another hour and a half before waking up for good.

It's CHILLY today! I woke up a bit late and had to rush around but I still made it to work on time with my gym clothes, lunch, and afternoon snack all in tow. I had a yummy filling breakfast and just now finished part 1 of my lunch, a spinach salad with feta and cranberries. I feel pretty satisifed from it so I think I'll head to the gym shortly for a light lifting session before I eat part 2, which is beef chili with light sour cream and organic multigrain tortilla chips. This afternoon's snack will be a carrot, some hummus, and a small truffle for a sweet treat.

Wednesdays are one of my long cardio days, usually, so I'm going to go back to the gym after work tonight to get in a good 60 minutes of whatever kind of cardio I'm feeling up to. I've already planned out my dinner, since I have an improv show tonight at 9:30 and I anticipate it being a late night. I'm going to have a slice of pizza after my workout, maybe an apple or a banana, and I plan to have a couple beers at the bar tonight. I rarely go out with my friends after these Wednesday night shows, since it's a school night, but I think I might do so tonight. And I've also alotted points to eat the other half of my decadent brownie when I get home tonight. We'll see how it all plays out, but that's the idea for now.

It's so exciting to me that I get to have pizza, beer, and maybe a small brownie tonight and that that's STILL within my "diet." I will have done the exercise to earn it, I will have eaten plenty of other healthy things during the day to counteract it, and it's not even going to cost me too much in the calorie department. This is the life.

I'm looking forward to the weekend. I think it will include a little bit of everything: a party, maybe two parties (one that I'm really excited about), some alone time (Kevin's taking a class on Saturday), some outdoor exercise (I WILL do a long run outside this weekend. Can't wait.), perhaps some cooking, and also, the best part: my cutie boyfriend has arranged for us to rent a car and drive upstate to see the fall foilage! We use a service called zip car, which makes it super super easy to rent a car; you literally just reserve the car online, go to a parking garage or street location near your house, swipe your membership card over a thing on the inside of the car which unlocks the car, and then you get in and go! That's the ENTIRE rental process. No joke. You can rent it for an hour, for a day, however long you want. And it's cheap. And they pay for the fucking gas. Crazy. We've used it a lot since the service came out a year or so ago. Anyway, I told him I really wanted to drive out of the city to look at the trees before they changed too much or it got too cold but I was hemming and hawing about spending the money and when to go, etc., so he just decided - he booked us for this Sunday and said we can drive up, look around, maybe find an apple orchard, stop at the big mall, and find a place to have dinner. Adorable and fun. Can't wait. I love him for arranging it and I LOVE the fall.

Off to the gym!

Maybe a cupcake.

2008-10-21T12:04:00.006-04:00

The scale was down for weigh-in this morning another half pound. I was surprised by this because I thought last week's overeating due to my little cousin being in town and this week's overeating due to several family parties was sure to catch up to me and cause a gain. Plus I think I'm in PMS stages right now. But I was surprised to see a welcome loss and I'm glad for it.

I have had consistent losses for the last 7 weeks, except for last week's maintain. It's a good streak. I would certainly attribute it to being more serious and diligent with my exercise lately (been preplanning my weekly workout schedule, doing an average of 6 days per week, varied types and lengths of cardio, light strength training, yoga, and pilates).

I'd also attribute it to being as honest as possible with myself when I write down what I've eaten in a day. The week my little cousin was here, I went over my points for the week by 95 points! I'm allowed 22 points a day and I ate beyond that by 95 points. Now 35 of those are the allotted flex points (for anyone non-WW, flex points are extra points you're given in a week to spend as you choose: all in one day, spread out over the course of the week, not at all, etc.). The other 60 points I ate were beyond what's 'allowed.' Now that's quite a bit of food - nothing to sneeze at and I certainly certainly work each week to keep that number low. (95 is an all-time high for me in recent months. That's not an average week or anything.) And I'd say the healthy majority of those points are consumed as lean proteins, whole grains, fruits and veggies, and nuts and beans. Mostly organic, whole stuff. But regardless of what I'm eating, I'd rather be totally open and honest about all the little BLT's (bites, licks, and tastes) than fudge the numbers and wonder why the hell I'm not losing at a more rapid pace.

I realize sometimes all this talk about food and exercise might sound a little over the top - that the details about what I've lost over 7 weeks, how I conduct my exercise lifestyle, what I eat, how I write everything down might sound like a mildy insane person's life. And maybe it is. But as I said yesterday, being "Fit From Within" (the name of a book I just ordered) is something that has always eluded me. So until I miraculously grow the piece of my brain chemistry that's able to simply wake up each day and automatically make the best possible choices without having to think twice about it ever, I'm probably gonna have to be someone who writes down what she eats, gives a little forethought to her workout schedule, and is accountable for it all to a scale, her pants, and a blogging community. It is what it is.

And today, what it is, is a pleased feeling that the scale was down. I actually didn't think it was gonna happen. I ate less this week than the 95-points-over week, but it was still a high number - I think maybe 85 points over? Something nuts like that? I usually do about 65 points over (that includes the 35 allowed) so I'm lucky that whatever I'm doing is working well enough that I'm still having success. Of course my goal for this upcoming week is to get that number back down to a more reasonable place, like 65 points over. I know I can't keep up with the amount of calories I've consumed in the last two weeks and still show losses. So we'll head it off at the pass and rein it in this week.

I made a workout plan for the week yesterday, as I have been doing a lot lately. I'm excited to inact it this week. There's this brand new weird contraption at the gym that is sort of a cross between a stair master, an ellipitical, and a treadmill. I can't explain it. But it doesn't have a name on it. It's got all these gears and levers and it's kinda hard to use at first but I tried it last week, finally got the hang of it, and holy SHIT. That thing - whatever it is - is a killer. My heart rate is at a steady 180 whenever I'm on it. Wild.

I'll also take a couple classes this week, pilates and yoga, and I'm looking forward to those too. It's been a couple weeks since I went to a gym class.

I have another type of goal this week which is to be very frugal financially speaking. I'm on a cash diet right now, which means my goal is to only spend a certain amount (or less, of course) each day. I'm already a little behind and have to make up for it by not spending much at all in the next few days. This means I'm eating breakfasts and lunches that I bring into work from home AND preparing dinner at home each night - another bonus for the healthy living effort, because I can control what I'm consuming. So it's a nice hand-in-hand scenario with the cash and the food.

I have a few days off in the next two weeks that are not usually my own. I have HST rehearsals every Tuesday night but we are off for the next two Tuesdays (for a handful of reasons) and I have an HST show every Saturday night but I will not have one this Saturday. So I am looking at a few days of freetime that I'm not used to. And it is definitely welcome. Of course the days are filling up fast and I already have plans on a couple of the open nights, but I don't mind since they'll be deviations from the normal routine. Tonight, my first Tuesday off, I'll take a pilates class. And the other two nights, Saturday and next Tuesday, I have parties to attend! Yay! Parties!

My 28th birthday is swiftly approaching. Friday, November 7. I'm looking forward to it, as I do every birthday, but in a moment of weakness and vulnerable PMSing last night, I cried in bed to Kevin for an hour, sobbed actually, about how I'm almost 30. Completely and utterly ridiculous, I'm beyond aware. Not necessary, not REAL (since I'm almost 28, not almost 30), and not worth my time or emotion since what exactly is 30 but a number and what exactly is "almost" but a descriptive word that means nothing tangible in my life day to day. Not to mention, it is all completely without warrant because if I'm going to waste my time focusing on numbers, 30 is a number that I know I will be proud to say is my age when the time comes. WHATEVER. Regardless, I sobbed to him last night. About that and about other stuff. And I'm allowed to because apparently I needed to. And it felt good. He was very patient and kind with me and listened carefully and asked all the right questions and offered some solutions and new perspectives and also just let me cry. He's very sweet.

I'm still in a bit of a funk about what exactly to do for my birthday. But I'll figure it out and I need to get the fuck over myself, also. PMS for sure. (I think it will be over in a matter of hours though. Then it will move to MS, remove the P.)

I'm gonna go get in some light cardio on my lunch break. I just ate a delicious turkey, cheese, spinach wrap for lunch, which I made in my kitchen this morning, and I'm already @#)%(* hungry. PMS. So I'm going to have a find a substantial snack to have after my lunchtime workout if I expect to make it to pilates class tonight.

Oh the trials and tribulations of being alive. Woe is me. Right? PuhhhLEEEZE.

I'm excited to have some quiet time to myself tonight. Kevin's going out with a friend and I think I'm gonna go home after pilates, possibly have a glass of wine, and watch my political programs. :) I might make fish for dinner! Whaaat! I'm NOT a fish eater for the most part. I am pretty finicky when it comes to fish. But I've heard tilapia is not fishy at all and they had a nice looking garlic chipotle tilapia at TJ's so I swiped it. Might try it tonight with some pilaf or brown rice and salad. We'll see.

I think I shall also find myself some kind of special sweet treat for dessert. Maybe a fancy cupcake? Maybe. :) :)

A sampling.

2008-10-20T18:20:00.003-04:00

First of all, I am really getting excited for the election. I'm so excited by the prospect that Obama might win this thing; I'm remaining only cautiously optimistic. I know these things can change overnight, for no discernable reason. My hope is that exactly what Colin Powell said in his controversial endorsement will come true - that we need a transitional figure, and a new generation, in the White House.

Lately it seems like all Kev and I watch on TV are political shows. I love Countdown with Keith Olberman which is, admittedly, very left-biased. But I think the guy is funny and I love hearing his spin. Then, of course, are the comedy central shows - The Daily Show and The Colbert Report. I recently caught "Sarah Palin: Revealed," which is on MSNBC - it's a program they've done for all four of the nominees, just about their lives. It's a documentary, so of course it's meant to be neutral. But regardless, it's hard for me to watch the program because I dislike the woman so much. Learning about her as a young woman is even more off-putting.

Anyway, I hope he wins and I'm eager to find out what will happen.

We had a nice weekend - Friday night was just quiet time at home together. Kevin and I went to the grocery store after I was done with work and he was done with some meetings - had a nice time shopping and hangin out together. And then we went home and made the most delicious comfort-food, fall-weather supper.

We sampled an organic tomato-pepper soup at Trader Joe's and it was so delicious, we decided to buy it and make grilled cheese on rye bread (oh god yum), organic tomato soup, and a big spinach salad. It was seriously SUCH a yummy meal, I was obsessed with it. The flavors all mixed together so delightfully and the tastes stayed in my mouth for a good 30 minutes after I was done eating, reminding me of how flavorful and delicious it all was. I wanted to get up after the first bite to take a photo of my plate, but it was so delicious that I couldn't stop eating it!

Anyway, I think I found a new favorite-of-the-moment meal that I'm definitely going to have to make again. Seriously. YUM. The grilled cheese cost me about 10 points by itself. I didn't skimp on the butter. I used an organic vegan spread, but there's no calorie difference from regular butter or margarine. And I used two full pieces of rye bread so it was costly. But I smartly gave the BF a big tear off my sandwich because he gobbled his up so fast and I felt bad for him. (Plus I didn't want to eat the whole thing myself.;)

I had a glass of wine as we cooked, and he a beer. And we basically puttered around cutting up veggies for the week, doing dishes, tending to the cats, and making dinner. It was a really nice night. After eating, we caught up on some tivo and then turned in relatively early because we were going to see his family early the following morning.

I did, however, snack well beyond necessity before going to sleep. Not sure if it was the wine or the intense workout I'd had earlier in the day that left me feeling like I was "allowed," but I ended up eating handfuls of almost everything in our pantry. We bought a bunch of snacky stuff at the store and of course I had to sample every single thing.

It's just about self control, of course. And I decided to let mine go out the window on Friday night. Eh. No big deal.

Saturday morning we got up early to go see Kevin's family. We saw his sister for her birthday and then we all (sister Lisa, her hub, their baby, and Kevin's parents) went to New Jersey to go to his Lisa's in-law's house for an engagement party for their daughter. Kevin and I couldn't stay long because we had to catch a train back to the city for the HST show.

I definitely overate that day too. It was tough because I had two parties to attend and we were up early and out and about, surrounded by food, all day long. I did the best I could to keep it on the modest side, but it was tough. I was never stuffed but I still felt like I ate a lot that day.

Sunday was another lovely day. I had to get up early and go into the city for an HST meeting. I skipped breakfast (something I NEVER do), just had coffee and a bite of someone's eggs. Then Kevin and I met for lunch in Brooklyn where I had a mexican egg brunch dish, which was very filling and yummy and kept me satisifed for a good 6-7 hours! Seriously.

After that, we went shopping for fall jackets because we were both without them, then went home, cleaned the apartment, and prepared for our friends Faryn and David to come over for a casual dinner together.

The four of us whipped up a chicken sausage whole wheat pasta with peppers dish, a yummy salad, and garlic bread - it was so delicious and we all helped prepare it, which was cool. And then we had some nice conversation, a little beer (I had 1.5 beers), and a cookie for dessert.

Kevin and I stayed up for a while longer after they left, watching tv and chatting, and went to bed pretty late. I was exhausted when I woke up this morning.

One thing I did not do on Saturday or Sunday was exercise! Gah! I knew I was taking Saturday off and had intentionally exercised every other day during the week because I planned to take Saturday off, since we were going to be running around with family all day. I had big plans to go for a nice long run with my man on Sunday but we got to shopping, which is always tiring, and by the time we got home it was dark, and we got to cleaning, which is also tiring, and then it was way too late and Faryn and David were on their way over. I kept thinking - "I'll just put on my running clothes and GO!" I really wanted to. But it didn't workout. Alas. I'm sure I burned some calories with the shopping, walking, trying on a million fall jackets, and cleaning/vacuuming the apartment.

I am purposefully eating light today to offset another week of a little more food than I wanted to consume. I ordered a book today called "Fit from Within" which I read about on this blog. This is a blog that my friend Jess turned me onto, and I LOVE it. Anyway, I ordered this book because I really want to consciously transition from being someone who feels they have certain benchmarks to reach each day with food and exercise to someone who naturally behaves in that way without having to think about it.

I have a sense that I'm leaning more toward the latter than I give myself credit for, but there are certainly still times when I think a lot about food, obsess over what I should eat, and focus more on the details than on the big picture. So I'm eager to read this book.

I had a nice 30 minute hard cardio session at the gym today during my lunch break. Weigh-in is tomorrow morning and I will only have a small snack or a cookie when I get home tonight, but beyond that, I'm done eating for the day. I had lots of satisfying and delicious things to eat today, including a turkey, cheddar wrap, prepared lovingly by my boyfriend. So I think I should be fine to metaphorically close down the kitchen for the night.

I have improv practice and then I'm going to see a friend's show. I probably won't be home until closer to midnight when I will surely fall right into bed.

Mondays are always tough for me.

Separately - I love Trader Joe's more and more the longer I shop there.

Just had to note that. Thank you. Good night.

Build a bridge and get over it? Or not?

2008-10-15T17:58:00.005-04:00

I spilled a whole container of delicious organic (expensive) blueberries all over our kitchen floor last night. I thought the blue dots all over the orange tile looked kind of funny so I took a picture, but it doesn't look as funny on film. :) New blackberry. Hence all the pictures as of late.

Soooooooooo. I still don't feel like blogging today but I have a good hour to kill this evening before I leave work for the day so I thought this might waste some time. ;) That's a really inviting way to entice you read this post, right? "I don't really wanna write but I'm bored so here, read this drivel."

Har.

Work has been a little mentally difficult for me lately. I feel like I'm being asked to do more than other people are asked to do - and without a raise - and it's sort of getting to me. Granted, I still have freetime available to me. So it's not as if I'm up against the wire and don't have a free moment to myself (as is evidenced by this kill-time blog entry). And part of me does wonder if maybe I should just grow up, shut up, and do what's being asked of me without complaint.

The problem is that the person who's asking me to do stuff is on my same level, not above me. And she, we'll call her B, point-blank told me a couple weeks ago that she had too much to do, and assisting one of the people she assists, who we'll call D, is becoming too much for her, so her solution, she said, was to just start doing a bad job for D so that the management would get the hint that she is too busy and would give D's work to someone else. Odd solution.

The management is mostly this one ditzy lady who barely works 30 hours a week and is too busy answering her friends' phone calls to notice or care. So when B's plan to get rid of her D workload wasn't working she finally made a grand plea to this manager woman about her workload for D.The manager didn't want to deal with it as a larger issue I guess because she just assigned his work to me - but just for that day. I was annoyed because I have plenty to do myself but I got over it, realizing it's probably better just to help out when asked rather than pout and stomp about it. That action will look good come review time.

But that was last week. And since then B has asked me on no fewer than 5 occasions to do MORE of D's work. First it was because she was out sick, then it was because she was back in the office but still not feeling well, and today it was because she was busy, yet again, with other work.

Now, as I've mentioned, I recently took on another attorney of my own to assist, which means I'm now assisting three people. Most of the other assistants work for two attorneys or just one. So why can't one of THOSE people do B's extra work? Why is it me?

NOT TO MENTION, beyond assisting all three of my people, I'm ALSO the only designated person in the office to take over for the head assistant, C, who assists the big head honcho guy, whenever C is at lunch, in the bathroom, taking a day off, running an errand. (And let me tell you, this bitch is ALWAYS doing one of those things.) Because he's a big music exec and the big head honcho here, his phones are always ringing off the hook, every call must be answered or else, and he always needs something. So I do that every day at least twice a day, sometimes for whole weeks even, in addition to all my other stuff.

So basically, B asked me again today to do something for D that she didn't want to/didn't have time to do. She didn't ask management to ask me, she just asked me herself. And I didn't think it was right or fair. But I agreed to do it because I figured helping out looked better than causing a scene by saying "No," and then logging back onto Perez Hilton.(My other work was done.)

It could certainly be argued that B saw me not working and saw an opportunity to ask me to do her the favor. But shortly after that she was not-working herself.

Now, my actual suspicion is that B, who is actually a paralegal/assistant, DOES have time, but would RATHER work on the legal stuff she's assigned as opposed to the administrative stuff she's assigned. She feels above the tasks of a typical assistant. Perhaps, in her mind, she'll eventually get to quit doing all assistant tasks at all. The only problem is, in addition to her roll as a paralegal, her JOB is to ASSIST two attorneys. That's part of her job. And right now she's delegating one of them to me, and the other one - get this - is on maternity leave! For three months! So B's phones are quiet, her workload has lessened, yet she's giving me the extra stuff she "doesn't have time" to do. She has time. I promise you. Mentally, it might be difficult for her to have more than one piece of her job to focus on, but time-wise, she has time.

So I'm feeling disgruntled, obviously. Things have gotten busier than ever for me at work, my phones are constantly ringing, I answer 3 (usually 4 when C is off running errands) phone lines, assist 3.5 people (including D) and I feel like there are other people in the office who are always playing computer games or emailing with their friends.

Don't get me wrong - I have free time, as I said. But I feel as though there's a misconception about the amount of work I do, that somehow I'm viewed as someone who could use a little more work to do, so to complain about it or question it when I'm asked to help out might be viewed poorly. I'm also the newest assistant, having only been here a year. So maybe that's part of it. I'm not sure where my own insecurities about being perceived a slacker end the reality of the situation begins. The reality is, however, that I do my work, don't generally screw things up, and never leave for a day without having done what needs to be done that day. I'm on time every single day (B is, without fail, 15-30 minutes late every day), and I'm always helpful. I am online or doing personal stuff just as often as other people. And I feel I actually have more responsibility than some other people.

I guess my irritation is less about having more work to do for B, which is really not that big of a deal at all and usually only takes me a few minutes to complete, but is more about the power-play of her asking me to do it just because she doesn't really feel like it, the assumption that what she has to get done in a day is more important than what I have to get done, and that I can easily take a few minutes and just do her work for her. That's why we have interns, to do work we don't want to/can't do. And that's why we have a manager, to delegate work when things become unbalanced.

Basically, I'm not sure WHAT to do. There is the option of talking to my new boss, who is a great guy, and who would be understanding and maybe be irritated with the situation if I explained it to him, and who has some leverage around here. But I also feel like I don't want to act like a bratty kid and just bitch about having to do a couple extra things a day. It's more the principle of it really. It's more that B told me she was going to do a bad job so she didn't have to keep working for D. And the manager woman has her head too far up her ass to check in on the situation. Part of me feels like maybe I should just wait until my review, which should be any week now, and explain how much my work load is increased. Leverage. And part of me feels that I should express my frustrations.

Any advice that any of you may have, you who have experience in the working world, or you who have a much less child-like disposition when asked to do extra work than I, would be greatly appreciated. I need some direction here. Otherwise I'm going to bottle it up and get real bitchy and the whole thing is gonna seem a lot bigger in my head than it actually is.

I guess I did have stuff to write about...

In OTHER less ridiculous news, I had a nice quick lunch workout yesterday, which felt good. I'll go back to the gym tonight (skipped the lunch workout today in favor of a slow, meandering walk around midtown) for a lifting session and a long cardio session. I'm looking forward to it, I need the stress relief. (My sketch group is driving me a little nuts right now too, so add that to the pile of stressful things to be relieved.) I've got my improv show tonight and then I'll head home to catch the debate on the tivo.

When I got home last night Kevin had a couple slices of pizza waiting for me. (I ate one and shared the other with him.) It was so delicious and such a welcome treat. He set out all the toppings I like (parm. cheese, garlic, etc.) and lined the toaster oven tray with aluminum foil so we could heat them right up away and eat them. It was so sweet of him. He really is such a good guy. I'm not sure how I found him, but I'm keeping him.

We split a small cupcake that I brought home from a bakery for dessert. Not amazing but yummy enough.

Not exactly a salad and lean protein, but it was a good supper.

I made myself a delicious egg sandwich for breakfast this morning, had a mexican themed veggie thing for lunch, and will have who-knows-what for dinner.

The next few days will be fun - Girls movie night tomorrow night with some friends (seeing "The Dutchess"), massages with Kev on Friday, his sister's birthday and her sis-in-law's engagement party both on Saturday, and hopefully some niiiice relaxation on Sunday (after a quick biz meeting in the morning). I don't care what we do on Sunday but my vote is that it's something mostly horizontal and involving the television and a delicious filling dinner.

I'm so excited for the election. I think Obama's gonna win and I'm stoked! We're having a few people over that night, just close friends who didn't have other plans. We'll have snacks and drinks and hopefully be celebrating before midnight. You kinda gotta believe your guy is gonna win in order to have an election party or it could turn out to be a very anti-climactic party. But I have a good feeling. McCain has made a mess of things in his campaign, especially lately with all the negative attacks and his supporters yelling things like "Kill him!" about Obama at rallys. I think that scares even rightwing people, and rightfully so.

Anyway, I didn't mean to get political but I'm not afraid of my position. So there it is.

That's it! Good evening! (Still have 30 minutes to go! Grrr.)

2008-10-14T13:01:00.002-04:00

Despite larger-than-normal quantities of food consumed this week, this morning's weigh-in presented me with a MAINTAIN! Phew. That was a nice surprise and it reminded me that I have been working really hard lately. It felt good and I feel slim today.

Don't really feel like writing. Feeling kinda down. Gonna try to improve that by going to workout on my lunch break.

Veggie Lasagna

2008-10-13T16:08:00.005-04:00

In response to your requests :) here's the veggie lasagna recipe I made yesterday. I liked it because it called for more veggies than just spinach, but it did not call for mushrooms, which I do not care for. A friend who's a talented cook was over last night and he said "Veggie lasagna will take almost any vegetable you put into it." So I figure you can use whatever you want, including mushrooms, if that's your thing.

It's yummy.

A few caveats:

I did not make the tomato-basil-sauce that they give you a recipe for, I just used regular chunky tomato sauce from a jar.

And I cut my lasagna into 12 portions, not the 8 servings it suggests here. It just depends on how big you want the pieces, of course.

Also, I thought maybe a little less than the suggested 1/2 a cup of water poured along the edges at the end would have sufficed.

And lastly, I stuck mine in the broiler for about two minutes after it was done baking to get the cheese nice and brown on top.

working for the weekend

2008-10-13T13:25:00.008-04:00

Holy cow - what a weekend.

I'm completely exhausted. And a little overfed, for sure. I also am in desperate need of a good 12 hours of complete alone-time.

Let's back track.

First of all, as you know, I had plenty to eat at that Yom Kippur dinner on Thursday night. Marina served delicious food and I drank (more than plenty of) wine and had a really nice time. As you can see:

Friday was a tough day at work as I was completely exhausted. I did get in a nice workout on my lunch break, just a quick 30 minutes, but it was hard cardio and I felt nice and relaxed afterwards.

Then, that evening, my cousin Kalan arrived! We ended up having a really lovely weekend together. Kevin, being the great guy that he is, picked her up at the airport so she wasn't overwhelmed traveling into Manhattan for the first time by herself. They had a nice cab ride and then walked around 5th Avenue (my office is there), looking at some of the silly designer shops and fancy rich people. We did dinner in Brooklyn that night because all the Manhattan places just seemed like they were going to be packed. The place we LOVE in Park Slope, Brooklyn (Santa Fe Grill - amazing tex mex) was really busy too. We had to wait about 15 minutes for a table which absolutely never happens there. Weird. I was beyond starving by the time we sat down and ate many more free chips than I should have. I didn't have anything to drink but water because I was still pretty sore from the Yom Kippur drinking. I ordered chicken/guacamole tacos, didn't finish them, but had a few bites of Kevin and Kalan's meals. I was full when we left.

The next day, Saturday, was a beautiful day. The weather was perfect, even a little too warm at points, which I don't really mind. We woke up early, Kevin made eggs for us girls, and we all got ready to go do some sightseeing. We headed to Ellis Island, which I haven't been to since I was probably 10 years old. The ferry that takes you to Ellis Island stops at the Statue of Liberty for those who want to get off (we didn't), but we did sail by her so Kalan could see her and we also got to see some beautiful views of the city.

Ellis Island was cool and it didn't take us too long to move through the museum. We were all starving, sick of standing, and feeling really low-energy by the time we were ready to go. Luckily a ferry was about to pull away to head back to New York right when we exited the building, so we hopped on and were back on land in no time. I love transportation luck like that. ;)

We walked around a bit more in the Wall Street area, walked by the ground zero site, did lunch on the Lower East Side, and went home to Brooklyn to take quick naps and showers before a big night of rehearsals, two shows, and drinks with friends.

We headed back into the city around 5:00pm and I had two back-to-back shows with a little bit of downtime (for Chipotle salads) in between. Both shows went really well and I think (I hope) it was really cool for Kalan to see this part of my life/New York City culture. She had a good time.

We were completely drained by the time all was said and done, around 11pm. But we sat with friends at an outside table at a bar (weather still amazing) for a beer and some nice conversation with friends before grabbing a cab home. It was late and I was zonked.

We got up the next morning and took a (longer-than-I-thought-it-was-gonna-be) walk through Prospect Park to a little diner in another neighborhood in Brooklyn to meet up with Randy and Daniel for brunch. We had yummy breakfasts with all kinds of interesting dishes and then we all took another nice long walk to a nearby subway.

Kalan, Kevin and I headed uptown to see Central Park and the Upper West Side. More walking. I'm usually not very conscious of how much walking one does in this city but because I was with someone who lives in a place where driving in the primary mode of transportation, I was more aware of how much we were walking (dragging) her around. My mom, who is probably the fittest person I know (works out constantly, eats incredibly well, and has an amazing body) and lives in the suburban midwest, is always complaining about how her feet, legs, and hips ache when she comes to New York and spends whole days walking around for hours. I guess if you don't do it every day as your main way to get around, you would be in a bit of pain after a while. But even Kevin and I were hurting after all the walking we did with Kalan this weekend. Sunday afternoon, when we saw Central Park, Lincoln Center, Carnagie Hall, Columbus Circle, we were all so sore we kept stopping to stretch out our backs and legs every ten minutes. But it was still a very nice day. The weather was, again, perfect, and I was glad we were able to show Kalan more of the city. I think that girl saw almost all the neighborhoods we offer around here. ;)

After our afternoon of sightseeing, we headed to Trader Joe's to pick up groceries for our little dinner party. (It was the first one I've thrown at mine and Kevin's apartment - and maybe the first one I've thrown ever? Just seven people total. But a dinner party nonetheless.) I was planning veggie lasagna, my friend Faryn was going to bring a salad (thank god), and I was doing some appetizers and a big loaf of bread too.

We headed home with lots of groceries in tow. (TJ's was packed and the three of us took turns waiting on line while the other two people shopped. Kalan was overwhelmed, understandably. I warned her it might be chaotic in there - and it was.) We relaxed a little bit when we got home - Kalan had her first slice of New York pizza (she loved) - and then we decided to do an hour-long yoga podcast together before starting on dinner! (Kevin didn't join us. He did chores instead, the cutie.) It was so fun. I think Kalan, who is very physically active and ran a marathon at age 18 (she's now 22), had a hard time with the class because she wasn't used to the kind of yoga this teacher was doing, so I'm not sure she liked it as much as I did. I had a hard time too with some of the stuff, but it was still good to be active like that.

I hadn't done any yoga in over a week and it felt awesome on my body. I am sore today and my legs and arms definitely felt tingly when the "class" was over, but it was the perfect way to spend an hour before starting on dinner prep. Also helped to alleviate some of the guilt I was feeling for not having gotten in the exercise I'd hoped to earlier in the weekend.

Kevin chopped veggies like a PRO, and did lots of other odds and ends tasks to get the place ready for guests, Kalan prepared and arranged all the appetizers, helped Kevin with odds and ends things, and washed some dishes for me, all while I cooked and arranged the veggie lasagna. It turned out really well for my first ever batch. It. Was. YUMMY.

I will absolutely be making this recipe again and I was shocked to notice later on that each piece was only around 180 calories, or 4 ww points. And I didn't even use lowfat cheese or anything! The pieces were substantial with plenty of veggies (zucchini, carrots, and spinach - SO good), gooey cheese, and lots of sauce and flavor. I loved it. I already know a few alterations I'll make to the recipe to make it more my own next time around. The only regret I have is that there wasn't a whole other pan of it so we could have it for leftovers. (There was one leftover piece which I immediately snatched up, stored away, and just now ate for lunch! Yum!)

The guests arrived right on time and we had appetizers and drinks while the lasagna baked, then sat down to a most delicious dinner, complete with Faryn's incredibly tasty salad, which complemented the lasagna perfectly. It had all kinds of really delicious ingredients and she made a great dressing from scratch and the whole meal was just really lovely. We chatted about the economy over dinner, which is always fun.

Dessert was this INCREDIBLE cake - I only had a small amount of it so everyone only got a tiny piece, along with yummy sea-salt brownie bites from Trader Joe's and some organic vanilla soy cream. Everyone agreed that this cake was the best they'd ever tasted (long story about the cake, but basically, it's from an amazing delicatessen in Tampa, FL, and it's to die for) and we drank more wine, mourned our empty dessert plates, and chatted for a while longer until BOTH Faryn and her boyfriend fell asleep (!) and everyone finally made their way home.

It was a really nice night. I was completely full when it was over, although I don't think I overate on any one thing. I certainly could have had fewer pieces of cheese at the beginning of the night, but alas, what can you do.

The scale was up this morning, as I knew it would be, and will probably show a gain for my official weigh-in tomorrow. This will be the first time I've had a gain in 5 weigh-in's so I'm comfortable with it. I tried to make good choices this weekend and certainly succeeded often, but I was also hungry more often than not, after doing so much sight-seeing and generally exerting of energy, and I went over points every day. This past week will be the most I've gone over points in quite some time, combined with the least amount of exercise I've achieved in a week in quite some time (4 official sessions, so not too bad, plus all the walking, but still), but I'm not gonna sweat it. I'll get right back on track this upcoming week, workout often (already loosely planned out my workouts for the week), eat well, and spend some time with myself.

Things will ramp up again on Thursday night with a girls movie night with some friends and then an engagement/birthday gathering on Saturday, but I'm not worried. I'll take that gain tomorrow morning in stride and focus forward.

I had a great weekend with my cousin. I'm so glad she got to meet so many of my friends, see so much of my life, and I'm so glad I got to spend some time talking to her and listening to her articulate herself about her life and her career. She just started her first year teaching special-needs 8th graders (she's a saint) and she is such a smart, interesting, funny, opinionated young woman. My extended family is really close and we always have been so it's really cool to get to know her better as an adult and to get to spend time learning about who she has become and is still becoming. I also loved the chance to show her around the city, even though it was pretty tiring at points.

That said, I'm excited to have my life back tonight. I'm going to get in some post-lots-of-food cardio at lunch today, but I told Kevin I'm coming straight home after improv practice (of course I have improv practice tonight - I wish I could skip it but I can't - I'm going to fall asleep standing up), then I'm going to lay on the couch and stare at the television for an hour, and then I'm going straight to bed. I need some serious downtime. ZZZZZzzzz.

p.s. 28th birthday is coming up in 3.5 weeks!

p.p.s There's a very loud Columbus Day parade going on right outside my office right now on 5th Ave. We've been listening to brassy parade music for 4 hours straight!

Results

2008-10-10T10:23:00.003-04:00

Last night's dinner party was a great time.

And I totally ate and drank a lot.

That was not my plan, naturally. It never is. But as I've said before in these situations and will probably say a thousand times again - it could have been a lot worse.

The food was really delicious. There were lots of different things to choose from, most of which I'd never had before (had dates for the first time!) and PLENTEEEE of wine. I was with a crowd who is more than happy to refill their glasses every ten minutes. And I did not hold back. In fact, since Marina, the woman hosting the dinner (and she did an amazing job) did all the cooking/purchasing of food, all the guests brought wine. And we had a shit load of it. White, red, dessert wines, everything. Every time a bottle was finished, we cracked open a new one. I was basically wasted by the end of the night and around 11:30 I insisted that we head home (I came straight from work, which I left early, so we'd been there all night). I was pretty stuffed - mostly with wine, water, and the gourmet toffee that I was inhaling at the end of the night. It was all really delicious though. And I realized that when one is in that kind of youthful, debaucherous setting, one cannot be expected to have the preplanned two glasses of wine. Nuh-uh.

I think there were only about 10 or 12 of us there and some of the people I'd never met before but a handful of the group were some of my dearest, most favorite friends. These are the people I feel understood by, who I understand, the people I spend a good amount of my freetime with, and people I love to party with.

Kevin, who is 34, and me at almost 28 were easily the oldest people there. This was a young crowd of 22-25 year olds. And it was fun to just not give a fuck and drink and smoke (I had a few drags off a cigarette - it's been years? maybe?) and just sit around and eat good food and laugh. It was a really fun night.

I had a few moments of "Oh god! But the scale!" and then I thought, shut up, you've been working your ass off. Enjoy yourself. So I did.

I didn't get to workout yesterday, after all. I actually packed up my little workout bag, left the office on my lunch break, fully intending to walk to the gym. I actually got halfway there. And then I thought about how I would be forcing some kind of exercise (probably stairmaster, because it would have been all I had time for) into 20 minutes. My lunch breaks are an hour and it takes 30 minutes to travel there, back, and to dress and undress. So I only ever get the other 30 minutes for exercise on a lunch break workout. And yesterday I didn't bring a lunch from home which meant I would have had to spend some of that hour to find some lunch while I was out there walking around. And I wasn't sure if it was worth it to get all sweaty and hungry just for 20 minutes.

It would have made me feel good, that's for sure. But I already had enough guilt about coming in late/leaving early that to add another hour-plus-a-few-extra-minutes of a lunch break into the day would have made me really self-conscious. I also thought, if I get really hungry from this workout and end up going to this dinner starving, I'm going to eat everything in site because I'll think I'm justified in doing so. Maybe if I don't workout I'll be more aware of keeping myself in line.

Not sure if that plan worked or not, but the point is, I did not workout. I'm getting over it. Instead, I went and picked up some adorable birthday cards for some friends who have birthdays coming up and got a light lunch of soup and fruit.

So that's that.

In keeping with my new plan to follow a high point day with a low point day, today is going to have to be a nice intense workout and light on the food. I had egg, bacon, and cheese on an english muffin for breakfast because I was starving and a little hungover, and that will have to be my big meal for the day. I'm thinking veggie-filled salad for lunch and something light where ever we go to dinner tonight. I know I can make it happen. I absolutely can. It's one day. And my body will thank me since I'll be giving it space to burn off the mess I made last night.

I got in bed around 12:45 last night, not terrible. I was worried that I was going to be so hungover today but I actually feel okay. I downed tons of water before bed and had more this morning and am having more now. And the coffee I'm finishing right now and the egg sandwich I ate in an instant this morning both helped.

The workout will have to be on the lunchbreak. There's a chance I can go for a bit longer than the hour today and can get in a nice hard 40 minutes of cardio. Probably stairmaster and fast ellipitical? We'll see. I need it though. I'm going to try to workout while my cousin is here too. I don't think she'll mind.

She comes in tonight! Kevin's picking her up from the airport. I'm excited to show her the city. I asked him if he'd bring her to my office first, which I think she'll think is really cool. I work at a music law firm and we have lots of platinum records hanging on the walls of huge artists posing for their hit albums. It's nothing to a New Yorker, but I think she'll think it's really cool.

Talk to you Monday!

p.s. For myself: This weekend = Lots of walking around being a tourist, a couple workouts when I can squeeze them in, and awareness and attention at every single meal to avoid overeating. Last night was my overeating for the week. Now it's time to pull it in.

Where I discuss proper posture at length.

2008-10-09T14:29:00.004-04:00

This was the most-delicious breakfast I had this morning. The photo's a bit blurry but you get the gist.

I'm a huge fan of an egg-white western omelette with a single slice of american cheese. And if you put that shit on a toasted bagel (a scooped-out bagel so I'm consuming a bit less white bread), I'm in heaven.

I haven't eaten one of these puppies in ages since they are rather high in calories. The bagel alone is a pretty substantial intake of food, but I decided this morning was the morning. I had a craving for one yesterday and the day before, and after not having time to grab breakfast at home today, then venturing to several different breakfast places in the city when I got near the office (it was an indecisive food-morning for me), I finally said eff-it and went to a place where I could order one of these sandwiches. And it was delicious. The bagel was so chewy and yummy and the cheese was so melty and gooey. Mmmph!

Anyway. Next up: more food! ;) It's getting close to lunch time and I cannot decide what to have. So I made myself a second cup of coffee to tide me over while I weigh my options. I'm so indecisive about food today!

I ended up having a great day, food and exercise-wise, yesterday. The lunchtime gym workout and the afterwork gym workout, totaling about 1 hour, 20 minutes of exercise, was time well spent. I got in a nice long run after work and felt really good when it was over. The whole left side of my body has been feeling tight and tense and not fluid, so I had a nice stretch session afterwards and then got my act together to head downtown to my improv show. I grabbed myself (and Kevin) a slice of cheese pizza to fuel us through our improv show and that ended up being all the food I needed for the rest of the day. I had a small handful of nuts when I got home around midnight and a glass of water and called it a night. Felt really good about all my choices yesterday. Plenty of fruits and veggies, plenty of indulgence (pizza!), and came in right on target in terms of calories-consumed. Love it. The scale rewarded me this morning. (My week of trying-not-to-scale-hop ended. I'm back to scale hopping. It's fun to know, either way. I used to like getting graded tests back in school too, no matter what grade I got. I was always intrigued by the results.)

Today is very quiet at work. It's Yom Kippur, the Jewish day of Atonement, and a majority of the people in my office are Jewish so they're attending services and fasting today. In fact, the city itself is quieter overall today. The train wasn't as packed this morning, etc. etc. It's nice. I thought I would have a big expanse of a day to surf the web all day long but it looks as though I'll be able to keep myself busy with work tasks for most of the afternoon. I've had to pick up some of the slack for people who are out today and I feel obligated to get caught up on other stuff I've shoved aside on busier days. So. Blah blah, right?

I came in late today because the train was moving at a snail's pace, because I knew it was going to be dead in the office, and because I could not make a fucking breakfast decision. I ended up being about 30 minutes late. Gah! Not exactly professional, but I'm usually on time, so. And I'm also leaving early tonight because we're going to a Yom Kippur break-fast (even though we haven't been fasting) that our friend's girlfriend is throwing. It's gonna be a great time, I think. I'm really looking forward to it. I even wore a dress for it! (With jeans under it, though, because I could not find any tights this morning - I think I threw them all out when I moved - and my legs are - ahem - unsightly right now.)

The POINT is that due to the big pending feast tonight, I'd love to go get in a workout today on my lunchbreak. But I came in late and am leaving early so I'm not sure if that's exactly wise. It IS dead here and nobody would mind if I was gone so I will probably try to go to some yoga (I desperately need to just do some poses by myself for 20 minutes, I'm so stiff and tight right now) and maybe 10 minutes on my BFF the stairmaster.

A goal of mine this week is to purposefully follow a high-point day with a low-point day and vise-versa. I ate a good amount on Tuesday, yesterday was very light, and tonight will be heavier. Gotta keep the body guessing.

Remember that massage I had last Friday with Kevin? Well, it was to die for and I felt like a new human when I walked out of there. If I could afford to go once a week I would. I felt great all weekend, despite hard exercise and plenty of moving around. Then Monday hit, I sat down at this damn desk, typed and answered phones all day long, constantly shifting around to try to get comfortable, and within a matter of hours of being here I started to feel cramped, tight, sore, and in pain. Like clockwork. It's almost infuriating to me. I tried to focus on sitting up straight and relaxing my neck and shoulders but the pain still comes.

As some of you may or may not know, I went to acting school. And a huge focus of training to be an actor is body work. So we learned (were force-fed) a lot about having good posture, good alignment, and keeping your back and neck long and tall so that you can avoid back pain and the rest of your body (arms, legs, shoulders, etc.) doesn't begin to compensate for your tense body. A ridiculous amount of people's bodily injuries, chronic pain, and even overall (and seemingly unrelated) health problems come from not knowing how to sit/stand properly or how to release tension in your shoulders and lower back or how to align your spine and hold your head on top of your neck in a natural way.

I realize as I'm typing it that I might sound like some kind of weird hippie. But it's a huge part of my life, my alignment. Come to think of it, almost all my friends who went to school to study theater have great posture and always look tall, thin, and confident in their bodies, no matter what their size. Holding yourself up in the way that is actually natural for your spine makes you LOOK thinner, younger, and more confident.

You can tell it's something I think a lot about.

Sometimes I will see another runner, either at the gym or on the path at the park, jogging away looking so hunched over it hurts me to look at them. People crane their necks or pinch their necks back, round their shoulders forward, have tension in their hands and faces when they exercise and it's just the worst thing ever for your body. It's that yoga-type concept of everything needing to be in proper alignment for your body to get the full positive affect of all the hard work you're doing. If you're running, for example, without a long spine, relaxed shoulders and neck, you're almost undoing a lot of the good work you set out to do by going for a run in the first place.

And what I'm basically trying to say is that sitting at this desk, no matter how I arrange myself or my seat/keyboard, is killing me softly and makes me feel like a twisted pretzel at the end of every day. I spend huge chunks of time every day just stretching and realigning my body because BECAUSE OF THIS TORTUROUS PRISON CALLED A DESK.

Thank you.

A weekend challenge.

2008-10-08T17:11:00.005-04:00

I'm tired right now. It's 5:15, I have another hour and 45 minutes at work, and I'm fading fast. I don't think I've been getting quite enough sleep lately. Not intentionally - and it's not like I'm staying out late or anything. But I really require 9 hours a night and lately I'm getting more like 7. Eh, I suppose it could be a lot worse.

Regardless, I'm presently exhausted for some reason. All I want to do is curl up and take a nap. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. I might have to have a small cup of coffee before hitting the gym this evening, or my planned 60 minutes of cardio is going to be a big fat mess.

God! Why am I so tired! Seriously, this is ridiculous.

ANYWAY. It's been a busy day at work today - this whole week actually - so I'm just now getting a free moment to relax. I went to the gym on my lunch break to do some light lifting - I've been doing a new lifting routine from Shape magazine just to try something different and keep my workouts mixed up. It's been fun and it's not easy, so I feel good when I'm done. Definitely a different kind of workout than I'm used to doing. I haven't taken a yoga class in over a week so that's something I'd like to get back on asap. It's hard to find the time though.

I'll go back tonight after work, before my improv show, to get in a "long cardio" day. Twice at the gym in one day might seem a little crazy, but it's not out of a desire to be some kind of workout fiend. If I have time in the city to kill (like I will tonight after work/before improv) or if I have a lunch break available and the energy to squeeze in a workout, I'm going to take advantage of it. I did the same thing last Friday - got in a quick workout on my lunch break, ended up with some time to kill after work/before date night with Kev, so I went to the gym again. And it felt great. It's certainly not something I'm forcing myself to do, nor is it something that nets in more than an hour or an hour and a half of actual exercise. It's just something I'm finding myself inspired to do.

Last week I worked out 6 days of the week. It felt incredible. That's something I haven't done in quite a long time - 6 days out of 7. But it's bringing me such a sense of peace and satisfaction lately. It clears my head, my body feels fantastic, and it's time to myself. I've been focusing on doing a lot of cardio, because it just feels so good lately. I've been mixing it up as much as possible as to avoid getting bored. I've been doing the stairmaster (which I actually think has been KEY in shedding some quick inches lately - I have slimmed down bigtime in the last couple weeks and I just know that that machine is part of it) just for 10-20 minutes at a time (because it's a bitch), the elliptical when I want a don't-have-to-think-about-it easy workout, and running outside or on the treadmill for my "long cardio" days. The lovely thing is that when I go running, even if I haven't been running in almost a week, I'm able to go faster and farther than I was able to do the week before. All the cross training is making me stronger. Plus I'm totally ready for that nice long exhausting run when I do run. I realize, of course, that the perfect days of running outside around the park are numbered so I'm really soaking them up. Kevin and I went for two jogs this weekend, one long and one short, and they were both just awesome. Perfect weather, body felt great, pushed it a little bit, and got to run side by side with that sweet guy I live with.

And when I'm not doing the cardio mix-up, I'm doing some very light lifting (nothing like I was doing before I threw my back out), and yoga. I haven't done pilates in a dogs age, but hopefully I'll get around to that soon. It would be a nice surprise for the muscles for sure.

And as I've already mentioned (and am apparently going to mention again), I can notice a huge difference because of this extra effort. I'm feeling slimmer, tighter, and more toned than I have in a long time. When I catch my reflection I look narrow, my clothes are all fitting really well, and I'm getting regular compliments from people saying I look like I've lost weight. So, it's all positive of course.

I'm doing my best with eating, as usual. Lots of whole grains, fresh fruits and veggies, lean proteins, and trying to avoid too much dessert. It doesn't always go as planned, but it seems to be working itself out just fine. I lost another pound this week, more than enough for me, and I'm seeing lower numbers on the scale than I have in a good year and a half. It's thrilling to me that I am able to eat basically what I want at any given meal, within reason of course, and still drop weight and inches. I'm in a good groove and my body is too. I feel victorious over the 15 pounds I put on last year.

I'm going to eat a roasted veggie enchilada (a frozen thingy) from TJ's in a little while - just some fuel before I go get on the treadmill. And I'll probably grab a slice of pizza (yum!) before my show. I had a big spinach salad for lunch and low-sugar cereal with fruit for breakfast. I'll probably have some kind of sweet snack when I get home tonight too.

The next few days are going to be very busy. I'll get home late tonight and will hopefully go straight to bed. Tomorrow is Yom Kippur and a good friend's girlfriend is throwing a little gathering and Kevin and I were invited. So we're gonna go to that - I'm looking forward to it. Apparently she's making amazing food and there will probably be a lot of stuff I've never tasted before so I'm excited. It could be a potential death trap in terms of caloric consumption but I plan to eat lightly today, eat lightly tomorrow, get a workout in, and go to the party having just had a handful of nuts or something else that will take the edge off. I think I can ALSO get away with just having tastes of everything she's prepared instead of eating huge portions. There will be wine, that much I know, but my plan is to only have two glasses and sip them throughout the evening. Yikes, a challenge for sure.

Due to this Yom Kippur invite, though, I'm not sure when we're gonna get a chance to clean the apartment! My cousin is coming to visit on Friday and I'd love to do the bathroom, the floors, and make sure things look relatively neat. I want her to feel comfy and at home. PLUS I want to get to the grocery store so we can have a few meals at the house, which means I'll need to restock on some stuff. Unfortunately for poor Kevin, I might have to ask him to do this stuff tomorrow. He has been so awesome lately, cleaning, doing the laundry, dishes, and cat boxes. He calls himself Mr. Mom, which is hilarious. (He doesn't have a typical 9-5 job - he left his 12 year formal career as a producer last June and has been freelancing, doing voiceover and acting work, and working on his own projects since then. So he basically works from home.)

I'm really looking forward to seeing my cousin, Kalan. Kevin and I will take her out to dinner on Friday night and maybe to walk around the city a little bit - maybe Times Square so she can see it at night. Not sure what we'll do for dinner, but it will be another challenging meal, most likely. We'll want to enjoy an interesting New York meal with her which could easily result in high calorie stuff. I doubt she does sushi. So we'll see.

Saturday is going to be an active day - we'll do some touristy stuff with Kalan (we have tickets for the Ellis Island Ferry since she specifically asked to see Ellis Island) and probably walk around the city a bit more. I have two shows that night (!) so the walking around during the day will have to be my workout on Saturday. Then Sunday will be another day of seeing some other sites and different parts of the city. Sunday night I'm having a very small dinner party with just a handful of good friends. I think we're doing veggie lasagna (one of the guests is a vegetarian) and maybe some other kind of dish in the crock pot. I'm hoping to get in some cardio on Sunday - maybe my cousin will want to go for a run in the park too.

So tomorrow through Sunday will probably present a few food challenges, but now that I've mentally prepared myself for that reality I can probably navigate them without it all falling apart. The goal is not to get completely stuffed to the point of feeling ill at any one meal. That in and of itself will be a victory.

Now the real victory will be if I'm able to fit in the grocery store and a once-over of the apartment before Friday. I'm gonna have to call in sick to get this shit done. ;) Kidding. There's not enough time in the damn day.

Quickie

2008-10-06T18:48:00.004-04:00

About to head out to my improv practice but I thought I'd do a quickly quick update.

Great weekend.

Got in a little bit of everything.

Plenty of cardio - went on two awesome runs with Kevin. We had fun and it felt great. I love running with him. He's my pace rabbit.

We got massages and had Thai food on Friday night. (Amazing massage. Changed my life.)

Some family time - his parents came in for dinner on Saturday night (they live in a suburb about 40 minutes outside the city) and to see my HST show. We had a nice time and it was good to see them.

Hung out with the friends a little bit.

Here I am, at a bar on Saturday night with one of my oldest friends, Randy. He and Daniel, my old roommate from before I moved in with Kev this past July, showed up on Saturday night to say hello. A bunch of us were out at the bar after the show. Randy, Daniel, and I don't go out to bars together much so to commemorate the occasion we did a shot of expensive tequila. Oof. But it was a fun night and I only woke up slightly hungover on Sunday.

Sunday night we went to a screening of a TV pilot that a group of our friends made. It was nice to see everyone. After that, HST had a late evening business meeting, which was also nice.

Beyond that, Kev and I bummed around the house a little, had a few meals out, had a few meals in, and enjoyed the newly crisp weather. Good weekend.

Here are our cats hanging out in our apartment:

2008-10-03T13:11:00.003-04:00

First of all, I got a new phone! It's fancy and really lovely and I'm excited about it. I'm messing around with taking photos on it, it takes pretty nice ones. Here's one of me lookin like a big dork in the kitchen at work. ;)

Beyond that, I don't necessarily feel like posting right now but it's been a few days so I might as well.

I'm tired today. We had friends over for debate-watching last night. Did a simple spread of baguette chunks, cheese, fruit, veggies, hummus, spinach dip, tortilla chips and salsa. Nothing special, but it was yummy. We had wine too, and then some raspberries and brownie bites as dessert. Very delicious. I ate WAY too much. I was pretty disappointed at the end of the night when I tallied up everything I'd eaten. It was my dinner and it certainly could have been a lot worse and I wasn't stuffed to the gills by any means but I did have PLENTY of bread, cheese, wine, and chips. Shame shame. Oh well.

I haven't gotten on the scale since Tuesday's weigh-in because I've decided I'm going to try to stop scale-hopping for a week. (Scale-hopping, for those of you who don't know the WW lingo, means getting on the scale every day, or almost every day, instead of just weighing yourself once a week.) I don't think that the scale-hopping has a particularly negative impact on me either way, necessarily. Sometimes I see a high number, sometimes I see a low number, but I haven't noticed a direct correlation between those numbers and how I behave in a day. I'm not less likely to workout if I see a low number (I might even be more likely to workout, to further encourage the number downward.), I'm not more likely eat more if I think I have some leeway, or the converse, which would be to eat more because I saw a high number and I'm bummed about it. After doing this for 6 solid years, I've become relatively immune to the scale fluctuations. It all evens out in the end, this is not a race, I do what I am capable of each day to be healthy, etc, etc.

But I thought perhaps I might just quit getting on that damn thing every morning and see how it makes me feel. It's nice so far because I'm not thinking about what it says at all, one less set of numbers to have running through my mind during the day. So we'll see how I feel. It's been a habit I've had at times during these 6 years and a habit I've avoided at times, never with any noticable effect either way, so whatever. Blah blah.

So I have a bit of a challenge ahead of me, which is that I'd like to try to stay within my points from now until Tuesday's weigh-in. This will be a bit tough because I go over my points every day. I use my AP's and my flex points and then I often will, in a week's time, consume points beyond that as well. I still lose weight, just at a snail's pace, and I'm okay with that.

But I've been working out a lot lately and I'm feeling really good and slim right now - getting compliments from people for the first time in ages ("You look like you've lost a little weight!") which is very nice. I haven't numerically lost much at all, but I know I'm a lot slimmer than I was in January. So I want to keep my momentum on that and I was really counting on this week to be a good one. And then last night struck and I ate my weight in baguette and now I have to do some cleanup. It won't be impossible and it might even be a nice jolt to my metabolism to eat less than I usually do for a few days. So I'm gonna do my best to avoid extra stuff during the days and allow myself a sweet or a treat in the evenings, but beyond that, I'm gonna spend lightly points-wise and keep the exercise comin' and see if I can keep it together this week.

We're entering challenging terrority season-wise too. The fall, which naturally makes one want to cuddle up with thick soups, hunks of bread, and hot cocoa, without a veggie or piece of lean protein to be seen. And also, October, which, at least in my world, is the month of birthdays. A lot of people I know have October and birthdays so there's celebrating to be done. Then it's Halloween, my own birthday a week later, Thanksgiving three weeks after that, Christmas a month later, and then January 1/my and Kevin's two-year anniversary. So. It's obviously nothing I haven't done before, but that doesn't mean it gets any easier to navigate the amazing sweets, the pies, the huge meals, the warm calorie-laden drinks, the celebrations-with-food.

My goal this year, as it has been for the last several, is to simply maintain my weight during this time. If October 31-January 1 can come and go and I can see the same number on the scale at the end as I did in the beginning, I will have conquered all. So it would be nice if I could slither out of another couple pounds BEFORE October 31 so I'm maintaining a weight that feels really good. We'll see!

The good news is that this year, probably more than ever before, my exercise and organic/whole food eating is completely incorporated into my lifestyle. I can't go a day skipping a workout without starting to feel really itchy and desperate to get moving in some capacity. And in terms of eating, nights like last night are the worst damage I'm capable of doing lately (unless I get really drunk ;)). I'm also making better choices at every meal than ever before since I'm more knowledgable than I've ever been about what kinds of foods to what to your body. So I know those are habits I'm going to be able to hang onto to help me navigate the Season.

But ooo! I'm excited it's fall! And my birthday soon! :)

I didn't get to workout yesterday because we had a fire at work! They evacuated the building (the fire was on the 8th floor, we're on the 5th) and we couldn't come back in for an hour and a half. So by the time I got back to my desk, ate some lunch, and got to work on the huge stack of stuff I needed to get done, the day was just slipping by so quickly, there was no sneaking out for a workout. And after work I went straight to TJ's to pick up debate munchies, went home to prep them, and then the debate began.

I was going to take today off but now I'll go on my lunch break and get some cardio done and I might go after work and either take a yoga class or do some other kind of lifting.

Kevin and I are getting massages tonight! Wahooo! The cheap/awesome place I went to on my WW anniversary on Saturday is calling my name. We planned to have a date night tonight but we didn't want to splurge (financially or calorically) on a huge meal and a movie out. So we thought we'd just spend half that and go get massages and make dinner at home. I cannot WAIT. My body is desperate. I have this ridiculous shoulder problem, an old weight-lifting injury, that I know is going to end up causing more trouble down the line. It's basically causing me constant pain lately, especially when I'm at work sitting at my torture chamber, I mean desk, which seriously makes my whole body ache and hurt. I get up and stretch multiple times each day but I think I've determined that nothing short of quitting the office-worker lifestyle is going to aleviate my pain. And the people who've worked here for a while (and, just to note, don't exercise or think about their posture or alignment the way I (obsessively) do) HAVE HUMP BACKS. Okay, not really. But YES! KINDA REALLY! And I can't stand it. They all have terrible posture and are constantly in pain. I gotta get out.

ANYWAY. We're getting massages tonight. Yesssssssss. And then maybe making tacos. We'll see.

Tomorrow: I'll do a long run in the early part of the day, probably some laundry and relaxing at home in the afternoon. Then I've got to go to rehearsal t 6pm, which I will then leave early from to meet up with Kevin and his parents for dinner (his dad's bday is on Monday, which is also my Mom's bday!). THEN we'll do the show at 9:30pm.

Sunday is NOTHING all day wahooooo! I'll do another long run, most likely, or some yoga, depending on how the ol' bod is feeling. And then I'm going to a 6pm screening of a tv show pilot that I have a small part in. A friend created/directed/produced it and we're all gonna get together and watch it on Sunday. I'll be leaving that event early to go to an HST business meeting from 8:30-10pm and then that's that. Should be a busy but enjoyable weekend.

Next weekend my cousin is coming to visit and I'm really excited about it.

Okay. There's the update. Gonna go workout and then eat some LUNCH.

What the hell am I going to have for lunch today?

2008-09-30T13:37:00.002-04:00

First of all, thanks a lot to everyone who commented below; I really appreciate your taking the time to read that long post and respond to me. Obviously it's an experience that I hold very close to me in terms of defining who I am and how I operate in the world. It's something I'm very proud of but certainly also something I wish didn't have to happen the way it did. No regrets, of course, but I would be lying if I didn't say that it gives me pause to remember that time and reflect on the pain.

Kevin and I sat at our kitchen table on the night of my WW anniversary and talked more in depth about pieces of the story from that summer that he didn't know or had forgotten. And I realized during that chat that I cannot actually connect to that pain anymore, the way I felt it as it was happening. I think that my body, weight difference aside, was actually physiologically different at the time. Because the pain from the depression and anxiety, not just the psychological but the spirtitual and physical pain, is something I really don't have access to anymore.

You know how sometimes, if you're quiet and close your eyes and focus, you can remember what it *felt* like to be fatter? Or you can remember what it felt like when you had an injury or you were recovering from a surgery or you were in a place of great emotional pain? And you can almost access that place for a split second even though you're better now? It's like I can't do that with this anymore. It's almost like my cells have changed. I can't feel what I felt then, even for a split second. There's something lovely about that of course because I wouldn't want to feel it again. It was a dark place. But there is also, oddly, something to mourn there for me. Because this did happen to me, through me, because of me.

So I guess that's why I needed to write about it and talk about it. I wanted to remind myself exactly what happened, that it did happen, that it was real. Not just for who I am today, but for the sad, lonely girl I was then. I want to remember for her. To do her the justice and the honor of living openly now about how I got through what I did then.

Blah blah, right? Enough of all that! Gah! ;)

So. I'm well, thanks. All's well. The anniversary was a really good day. I don't mean to dramatize it, but it was a meaningful day for me.

I woke up and finished my blog entry while the darling BF made me a lovely breakfast which I consumed, digested, and then worked off with a nice long run. At first he was going to join me on the run but then he said, "I think I'll let you go alone." Slacker. ;) Nah, I know he wanted me to have the experience of running by myself on that day. And I'm glad he did. It was a really good, albeit hard run. It was drizzling the whole time, which was kinda refreshing. And I ran my ASS off - once around the park, completing it about 4 minutes faster than I was doing over the summer. Awesome.

At one point, going down a subtle hill, I felt gravity take over and I just let my legs GO. I was running so fucking fast I thought my hips were going to pop out of their sockets, but I couldn't stop. It was like another force was moving me forward. It felt incredible. The wind in my face, my muscles burning, my heart pounding, I threw my head back and I couldn't help but grin. I probably looked like a huge huge dork. But who cares. It was great. Then later on I sprinted the last 90 seconds of the run, pretending I was running some race and had like a personal record to beat or something. That about did me in, that sprint. I was winded to the point of yikes. But it felt amazing about 3 minutes later. I wanted to go back and do it again.

I was tight on time so I had to skip the yoga class. :( Too bad. I did get to take a quick shower, smooch the boy for a minute, and then get my act together to get into the city for my rehearsal. I knew I was going to be walking right by a massage place that will do anywhere from 10 minutes to 90 minutes. So I hopped on the subway and hopped off right near the place and beelined straight up there for the most incredibly to-die-for 20 minute massage everrrrr. This woman worked it OUT. She worked fast, hard, and thoroughly and I was in heaven. I think I almost cried. It was so good. I'm definitely going back.

The rest of the day was busy. Rehearsal for a good four hours, a quick dinner, a good performance of our show, and then home to go to bed because the following morning was to be an early one.

The next day, Sunday, a bunch of us from HST and other friends of ours were working this event in Union Square called Pilates for Pink. It was basically a big pilates event sponsored by Shape magazine to raise money for breast cancer research. Our friend, Sonia, works for the company that was staffing and running the event and she contracted us to work for the day. Yes, we got paid. We had to be there at 730am and we had to work until 5pm. The day was okay - there were pilates classes all day long in a huge tent. My job was to check people in for their class and hand out the free tote bags they got as part of their donation. Let me just tell you something I re-discovered on Sunday - people get CRAZY for free shit.

It was a long RAINY day and we got plenty wet but we also got some free stuff out of the deal (fun!) and I met Mari Windsor of Windsor Pilates! So that was cool. (She was kind of a bitch! Eek!) And it was also really neat to see all these women of different shapes and sizes coming out to a.) do pilates and get their workout on and b.) support breast cancer research.

When I got home that evening, I was a zombie. I showered the yucky rainy mess off me, got into PJ's at 630pm and couched it out for the rest of the night. Kev was adorable, doting on me and keeping me company all night. We ordered japanese food, watched tv, watched the season premiere of Dexter (I was totally disappointed with the episode) and I got into bed at 10:30pm to read a magazine. I was asleep by 11:15. Got a great night's sleep.

Last night, I took a yoga class - I had the night off from improv practice, which is what I'm usually doing on Mondays. The class, which was at my gym, was a good one! Finally! It was hard, but not too hard, fast, but not too fast, and she definitely challenged us. I would like to go back to her class some time. She was a good teacher.

I felt, unfortunately, a little clunky and big during this class. I was standing right in front of a mirror and usually that doesn't bother me because you just gotta let it go about that stuff sometimes. But last night I felt like I wasn't able to do the poses I usually do without a problem, like I wasn't as "good" (ugh - that word should never be used to describe how you do your yoga practice) as the other girls, like I was SUCH a newbie. I guess those experiences are exactly why yoga practice is so important - because it's all about letting go of that judgement and being able to just Be with exactly where you are today. I wish I hadn't let it creep into my psyche but it did. I did a quick 15 mins on the elliptical after that, decided I was starving, and headed home.

I made a veggie omelette and toast for dinner and it was yum. Went to bed soon after the boyfriend got home from his rehearsal and from doing lights and sound for someone's show.

The scale was down a teeny bit this morning for weigh-in. Nothing spectacular. My goal for this upcoming week is to get in a bit more cardio. I also want to start varying my workouts a smidge more than I have been. Always good to mix it up. I plan to go at lunch today and get in some circuit type training. I envision some bar/resistance band work with 5 minutes stints on the stairmaster in between sets. Should be fun, if anything.

I LOVE October!! I am excited for this month. It feels more fall-ish every day.

I'm sad about what's happening with the economy and already planning to spend significantly less than usual this holiday season. It might finally be the year to really plan ahead and MAKE all my presents. (Macaroni necklace, anyone?) I also hope to volunteer somewhere this year around the holidays. Which reminds me, I need to write myself a note to look into that.

I'm getting hungry. I'm gonna have to get some lunch soon. I think I'll order in today. :) Special treat.

And, finally, to wrap up the anniversary celebration....

2008-09-29T11:42:00.005-04:00

...BEFORE AND AFTER PHOTOS! I meant to post these on Saturday along with the novella below (sorry it's so long, there was a lot to tell), but I didn't get a chance. So here they are. Back to our regularly scheduled programming tomorrow!

Before. About 4 months before I started WW.

After. A couple months ago - new headshots.

I'll see if I can get some full-body comparisons up at some point. But you get the basic idea...

My Story So Far

2008-09-27T14:20:00.003-04:00

Today, September 27, 2008, it has been 6 years since I started losing weight.

Six years ago, in September of 2002, at 21 years old, my life looked very little like it does today. Some things were the same - I was a funny girl, who could always make a room full of people crack up. I enjoyed myself with friends, choosing some of the smartest, funniest people in New York City as my company. I liked to go out for dinner or stay in and party. I didn’t like the bar scene or the nightclub scene, having spent enough time in both to know so. I was always up for a get together with friends, loved a beautiful day, wrote voraciously, read regularly, liked to see theater and watch movies, and adored tucking myself away in some unique corner of the city with a notebook and pen, to people watch and philosophize.

I was also very lonely, very sad, and very afraid. I weighed 265 pounds, a lot for anyone, but an incredible load for my relatively small frame. I shot up like a weed in the 5th grade, but never grew much more after that. Now, at almost 5’5 and more than 100 pounds overweight, a category that doctors describe as ‘morbidly obese’, I was indeed obese.

I was in therapy at the time. I’d been seeing her twice a week for only a couple of months, so things weren’t exactly getting better yet. I was actively struggling with depression; it had squeezed its choke-hold on me for longer than I consciously knew. I was susceptible to emotional highs and lows throughout each day - not the way a person with bi-polar disorder might experience them - but I still felt either very tragic painful lows, or just okay. I don’t think I ever felt truly, genuinely happy.

I was irresponsible whenever I could get away with it, not good with my money or my time, not good about staying in touch with people or making positive social connections when they presented themselves. I was bitter and fearful and furious and absolutely paralyzed by a running list of worries and a history of devastating mistakes, missteps, and messes.

The summer before this September in 2002 was, without question, the hardest season of my life. I’d already been through a great deal for a young woman, but the summer of 2002 met me without mercy and what was bad became hopeless. I have never felt and will never feel again the kind of panic, terror, grief, and absolute confusion I knew in those months. The dangerous path I’d been traveling down for so long culminated in chaos that summer. But I’d spent years creating the reality that would make it all possible.

When I was 17, I moved to New York to go to college. I’d traveled all over the world as a kid. We weren’t wealthy by any means but my mom was young and energetic and insisted that I experience cultures and worlds outside the narrow ones offered in the suburban Midwest. So I was excited, not nervous, to move to New York. I was leaving behind a huge family of overly-involved aunts, uncles, and grandparents who had all helped to raise me, since my dad wasn’t around. My family didn’t want me to move to New York. Or to study theater. Or to pursue my goals and ambitions. I didn’t care. I did it anyway.

But one’s need to run away from something does not always mean one is better off running toward something else. I arrived in the city, disconnected from my emotional reality the way most 17 year olds are. I was eager to begin my schooling and meet new friends and most eager to be away from my overbearing family. Except that within the first few days of being away at college, I sunk so swiftly into a crippling depression that I did not recognize myself. I didn’t know what was wrong, what hit me, how to help myself – I didn’t even really know that I was depressed. And I didn’t tell anyone.

I would sob for hours for no reason, skip class, avoid homework assignments, stay up late, binge-eat with friends or alone, beg my boyfriend at the time to shower me with attention, shop and spend constantly, sometimes taking hundreds of dollars out of the ATM in a day’s time, only to wake up the next day with nothing in my wallet. And nobody really knew that I was in so much pain. In retrospect, I’m not sure I even knew. But it never got any better.

That first year away at school was The Beginning. And the summer of 2002, the worst summer of my life, was The Beginning of the End.

So I spent those 5 years between age 17 and 22 making mistake after mistake, enduring grief after grief. I gained a ton of weight, lost some weight, gained some, lost some, gained a lot more. In high school I got straight A’s and B’s without trying. In college I failed out of at least 1/3 of my college classes and lied to my mother about my grades. I skipped whole days of class each week; one semester I enrolled for a class that I attended twice and never returned to again except to take the final exam. I would sleep until 5pm some days, stay awake until 9am the following day, and go back to sleep until 6 or 7pm. I ate constantly, eventually started smoking pot daily, drank whenever it was available to me, experimented regularly and joyfully with acid, ecstasy, cocaine, and, one time only, heroin. I was constantly broke, spending more money than I ever had, wracking up small debts here and there, some debts that my mother had to pay off because the bank threatened to freeze her assets, some debts I only finished paying off a few months ago. I screwed over employer after employer, lied about being sick, about family members dying, stole from cash registers, stole from the piggybanks of kids I’d babysit. I ‘completed’ every task to an eighteenth of my ability. At two different points during visits home to Chicago in those years, I suffered through two unrelentingly painful breast reduction surgeries, the second surgery due to complications during the first, because my large breasts were affecting my health. I endured massive irreparable scaring, excruciating pain, and long recovery processes both times. The bad surgery experiences just compounded my misery. I maintained only the friendships I could tolerate and hated almost all other people. I had a total of 9 possible outfits to wear because I was too heavy to wear most of my clothes and so broke that I couldn’t afford to buy new ones. When my mother finally called the school one afternoon junior year and discovered that I’d been lying to her about my grades, she confronted me and said she would not pay for any more schooling. I dropped out of college and moved home to Chicago.

Then, only a few months later, I moved back to New York because I needed to escape from reality again. I fell co-dependently in love with a gay man who knew he was gay but was “in love” with me too. He disrespected and used me as a woman and a friend. I read his private diaries and tried to manipulate his life. I burned bridge after bridge, shocked friend after friend, closed door after door, hurt my family, lost my mother’s trust, and ended up 21 years old, a jobless, penniless, college dropout who’s main goal each day was to smoke weed and not break down into hysterical sobs.

I came from a happy, healthy, well-adjusted family in suburbia. I left for college a bright, eager, albeit chubby young woman. I was kind, thoughtful, generous, interested, curious, and talented. But something inside me melted somewhere along the way and I’d taken to giving up. And no matter who pleaded with me or how worried my mother was, I only ever tried to change my situation in half-assed fits and starts, if at all. I never admitted to anyone that I was in way over my head, didn’t recognize myself anymore and was in a lot of pain.

I wasn’t a bad person. If you’d met me at the time, you wouldn’t think, Who is this horrible girl? I was still funny and fun, smart and curious. Although, Kevin has told me before that when he met me at this point in my life he was intimidated by me; I was brash and abrasive and confrontational. All that aside, I know I didn’t appear to be insane or unwell. I still had a lot of friends who respected my opinion and enjoyed my company. I’m sure I did appear to be really pissed off, unhappy, and uninterested in changing. And I was those things. I was also failing at life.

Which brings us to the fateful summer of 2002. I’d just moved back to New York that June against my family’s wishes. The gay guy and I were sleeping on the floor of a friend’s apartment. We were fighting constantly, both out of work, broke but for the few hundred dollars we’d collected when he cashed in some stock. I spent each day weeping, writing, smoking, “updating my resume,” walking down the street in pain because I was so heavy that it physically hurt me to move, stealing food from local grocery stores, and hoping the gay guy would want to have sex that night - the closeness I felt when we laid down to go to sleep at night, the only closeness in my world. Everything seemed bleak, I didn’t know what to do next, but I knew that things were not good and it couldn’t go on for ever. At the time, I thought I was at my rock bottom. I was dead wrong.

We got into a fight so awful one night, tears, screaming, packing of suitcases, that I punched the gay guy in the mouth. And then he beat me up for a good 45 minutes.

It was a terrible night. I finally fell asleep as the sun came up. I woke up early the next morning and left my friend’s apartment in my car. My friend, S, was my first college roommate, my dearest friend, a girl who I’d supported unconditionally while she’d been crippled with depression herself. She was my confidant, my only ally. She assured me we’d get through this together, that I’d made a mistake in punching him, but that this mess was now going to come to an end, that I would be able to turn my life around, that she would help me, that I would live with her, that he would have to move out of her apartment, that she just needed a day to sort things out. That night I went to stay at another friend’s place.

The next day, S called me and said I should come over for coffee. When I got to her apartment building she was waiting in the lobby - with all my belongings packed in plastic bags and boxes. She told me I was crazy and needed to be in a home, she told me she couldn’t know me anymore, couldn’t help me anymore, didn’t want anything to do with me. She told me that the gay guy, (who, for the record, was as equally depressed and irresponsible as I was and who she’d never met before this summer) would be living at her apartment. Then she called all our mutual friends and told them to watch out for me because I was dangerous.

I found out later that while she talked to me in the lobby, while I took in these words she was saying, looking around the room for some sense that this was a dream or that I was on a hidden camera show, while I tried to decipher the things she was telling me, the gay guy was waiting in the stairwell with a portable phone at the ready in case I tried to hurt her.

Now. These were people I’d known for years, people I knew very very well, people who knew me very very well. They knew I wasn’t in a great place in my personal life but they also knew that these swift actions on their part were completely unnecessary. It was almost as if they were getting off on the drama of it all, on watching someone else hit rock bottom as they hovered above their very own.

You see, I may have been clinically depressed. I may have been lost, confused, fat, misguided and I may have made some questionable choices in my life, choices guided by fear and pain. I may have been used and demeaned, pushed to the absolute brink in an abusive relationship where I did not have a voice, a relationship that was mutually destructive and chaotic. I may have lashed out at him in the only show of physical violence I have ever been compelled to display. But by no means did I deserve to be punished. And by absolutely no means was I crazy.

I was still myself. I was still the kind, loving thoughtful person I’d always been. I was still S’s friend. I was still the girl she’d held two nights before and said “I totally understand. We’re gonna get through this.”

Let me be clear: I do not blame her for wanting to protect her emotional wellness. I do not blame her for needing space from the drama I’d created. I think she was right to want the dysfunction out of her home. But I was not crazy. Nor was I a danger. I was just very lost. And to tell me white lies to get me to come over and collect my things, to sit me down in the very public lobby, while tenants and their families shuffled in and out of the building, picking up take-out dinner or doing their laundry, glancing our way as they did, to use words like “crazy” and “mental home”, to calmly explain to me how my life would be further dismantled and without mercy, and to act without empathy as if I was a danger to anyone was not only humiliating, but also excruciatingly painful. I wanted to cry out “You’re wrong! You have it all wrong!” But I wasn’t going to fight her for the right to be treated like her equal. If she didn’t want to give me that, I wasn’t going to demand it. I remember taking a deep breath, chuckling slightly to myself that it had all come to this, and deciding to let it be. I looked into the eyes of a person who was my best friend hours earlier and now felt like an alien.

I left her there in the lobby. I packed all my things into my car all alone. She did not offer to help me as I made the six or seven trips back and forth between the building and the street. I slammed the trunk shut. I climbed into the car and pulled the door closed. I stared at the dashboard. I cried harder than I had in my whole life.

I was completely alone. The co-dependent relationship that toxically fueled me for years had been dissolved in a matter of hours. The best friendship that I counted on had been removed amidst lies, manipulation, and betrayal. I had made a mistake two nights prior that I knew was bad, but that I thought was forgivable. But I’d made graver mistakes for five years prior from which I could not walk away. I had $12 to my name. I did not have a bank account or a credit card. I did not have a place to live or even a place to sleep. I was over 100 pounds overweight and I didn’t have a college degree. I had just lost the two people I counted on the most and as I sat there and wept they were systematically placing phone calls to our mutual friends to warn them about me.

My mind seemed to be working simultaneously in slow motion and on high-speed overdrive. I could either drive home to Illinois, without enough gas in the car to get there, to face my mother and the dead-end life that I believed awaited me there.

Or I could take my pain, my hurt, their betrayal, my huge huge mess of a pathetic excuse for a life and find a way to move through it and fix it on my own. I could use this excruciating paralysis as a rock bottom. Too much had occurred to be ignored. Too many people were raising their eyebrows at my questionable judgment. Too much had been ruined to do anything other than work to repair it.

Luckily all of our mutual friends who received those phone calls laughed them off. They knew I was in a bad place, but they also knew I wasn’t a threat or a danger. And that I was still myself. They shook their head at what had taken place and agreed to help me out. And after a good week of not eating or sleeping, of weeping and staring off into space, of calling friends to ask if I could sleep on their couches, I was unable to sleep yet again one night. The futon mattress of the hot, sticky, roach infested apartment I was staying in was too lumpy to be comfortable. I sobbed myself to sleep for the last time that night, realizing as I cried that the crying wouldn’t get me very far. And I woke up the following morning and made a list:

Lose weight
Get out of debt
Get a job
Get an apartment
Graduate college

It seemed like a massive undertaking. And after what felt like a lifetime of failed attempts at becoming more stable, a list like this one was almost laughable. But I knew it had to be done or the alternative was true darkness.

I could have gone home to Chicago. When my grandfather heard from my mother what happened he got into his car and tried to drive the 15 hours to collect me. She forced him not to. It was my choice, she said, to stay in New York or go home. I had called her several days after the drama took place, never having been good at telling her when I was hurt or needed help. I tentatively told her the whole story. The messy relationship with the gay guy had spiraled out of control, I did not have a handle on myself, we’d gotten into a fight and I punched him hard in the mouth, S tricked me into picking my things up from her apartment and then told me I was crazy, I was now completely destitute, I had my car and a few possessions, I needed a job and a place to live. When I finished the very long story, I held my breath, waiting for a harsh monologue about how I’d yet again made a series of bad decisions that had let to even worse consequences, how I needed to come home immediately, get a job, and clean this mess up, how I needed to figure out my priorities.

Instead, and I will never forget this, there was a moment of silence and then she said “Jenifer. You’re not crazy. You’re absolutely not crazy and you never have been. You might have a lot to figure out and a ways to go before you feel better, but you’re not crazy. And you most certainly do not need to be in a home. I’m so sorry your friends hurt you like that. You know your grandfather has always said that the number of true friends we will have in our lives are fewer than we would sometimes like to believe, that people you were sure you could trust will betray you and lie to you. That’s what’s happened here and I’m so sorry. You’ve made some big mistakes too, but this will all be okay someday.”

I cried. It was like music to hear her compassion. “You’re not crazy,” she said. And instantly the whole terrible mess had been reduced to a nasty scrap on the playground. She laughed at the roughness my friends displayed and reminded me that they weren’t really my friends after all. She also reminded me that I had a lot of work to do.

She told me she’d support me emotionally however I needed her to, but that she would not give me a single dollar unless it was for therapy and even that she would send directly to the therapist. She urged me to think long and hard about what I wanted and how I intended to get it. I now know that my mother saw this as my rock bottom and as a last opportunity for me to wake up. It was.

I spent the rest of the summer sleeping at friends’ apartments and other places, sometimes sleeping in places I should not have been sleeping. I was, for all intents and purposes, homeless.

A dear friend who was one of the most influential at that time helped me get a part time job at the theater company where I’d studied during college.

I met with someone at my old college to get a referral to a clinic of therapists and, after a series of phone calls and questions, I made an appointment with a woman named Karen. I began seeing her that June, shortly after the night of The Punch.

I landed two more part time jobs and I saved up enough money to be able to rent a room in someone’s apartment. The day I moved in there was one of the best days of my life. I finally had my own space, albeit small and odd, but that didn’t matter. I began to carve out more and more of a life for myself. Having a job, being in therapy, and having a certain place to sleep each night felt like winning the lottery. I was a very far cry from leading the kind of life I someday hoped to have where I would be free from my weight, my depression, where I would have a college degree and a direction, but I had begun. And in contrast to the darkness I’d known earlier that summer, I was in heaven.

A friend who’d always had a weight problem started Weight Watchers that summer. I watched him drop 30 pounds in a blink. That September, I began to think that maybe it was time for me to do something about my weight problem. My therapist had suggested Weight Watchers time and again – she’d say that whenever I was ready, it was an option to consider.

On September 27, 2002, I was finally ready. I weighed in on a Friday afternoon. The scale said 264.4 pounds. If I’d stepped on it a few months earlier it probably would have said something closer to 280. I’d lost weight during my difficult summer. I knew that for sure.

My true journey began that day in September. Within the first month I’d lost 20 pounds. I was beyond thrilled.

Six years have passed since then. And I am incredibly proud of how I’ve spent them. I never gave up my effort to lose weight after that day in September of 2002. I have faltered occasionally, maybe even regularly, and succeeded from time to time as well. But I have continued to work at it. And I’ve lost 100 pounds.

I eventually got better jobs and more opportunities and then I got my very own apartment, instead of just renting a room in someone else’s. I remained in therapy, working constantly not only on the present and how to improve mine, but on the past and what led me to this place. Karen and I worked together for five years. She saved my life.

Also, after a lot of meetings, interviews, research, loan requests, and soul searching, I returned to college about a year after that difficult summer. I had to pay for it all myself and I had to work four jobs to afford it, but I finished my degree. I graduated only two years later than my original graduating class, with a BFA in Acting, having received only A’s and B’s the second time around. I exercised constantly, ate well as often as I could, worked all the time, saved money, paid off my debts, repaired friendships and slowly repaired myself.

I reconciled, in some respect, with the gay guy, who is now someone I’m able to have a distant friendship with, but not someone I’ll ever be able to be close to again. Interestingly, S and I have never reconnected. I’ve seen her from time to time, avoiding her when I do, and we still know some of the same people so I get occasional updates on her life. I’m not sure I’m ready, still, to forgive her for the lack of compassion she showed me that night in the lobby. She knows I’ve lost the weight, turned my life around, and have a full, happy world now and it does not escape me that her mishandling of my situation that night spurred me into action, but it’s hard for me to forget the misleading conversations we’d had in the day prior, the cruel look in her eye that night and the lack of compassion and understanding she exhibited. I think she regrets some of her actions as well and is too fearful to come to me with an apology. I owe her an apology too. But that part of the story has yet to unfold.

Six years ago, my life was very different than it is today. This morning, I woke up my to my loving boyfriend kissing and hugging me. He knew me then and knows me now and respects and admires me for the transformation he’s witnessed. He made me breakfast this morning while I finished writing this, our two adorable cats playing on the living room rug. In a few minutes I’ll go for a run and then take a yoga class. It will be a busy weekend for us, with shows to perform in and rehearsals to attend and friends with whom to spend time. And I’ll go to work on Monday morning at my salaried job, complete with health insurance benefits and paid vacation days, and smile to myself about how little anyone in my current life really knows about what my world looked like six years ago.

Six Years Eve (with stats!)

2008-09-26T12:25:00.013-04:00

It's a long one. Snuggle in.

Tomorrow, September 27, 2008, marks the 6th year anniversary of my beginning weight watchers and changing my life forever.

I've been working on a written piece about My Story and what that date means to me. I have a feeling there are a lot of things that happened in my life before that date, things that led me to the decision I made on that date, that nobody knows about. There are certainly details that I've never discussed here before. I'm not ashamed of them by any means, nor am I shy about sharing them with anyone who asks (and has time to hear the whole tale).

But the truth is that 6 years, although a nice healthy chunk of time, is actually not that long at all. I suppose I'm learning as I get older that 6 years is just a drop in the bucket. And sometimes when I realize that it's only been 6 years since my life looked how it did in the days and months before September 27, 2002, I can't believe I'm living the same life. I feel like a completely different person from the person I showed to the world then.

So to continue to have some distance from My Story, some perspective on exactly what went wrong when I was a younger woman, when the wrong "began" and what caused it, is always meaningful. And it's fundamental to my continued progress as a Better Person to keep retelling myself the tale and understanding it from a fresh, more distant perspective. I was a really messed up young woman. And I want to continue to learn from and understand how things got so bad, if only to be able to offer some perspective to other messed up young women, or perhaps to know how to handle my own kid someday if she ends up having a hard time in her life.

I'll post the piece tomorrow, on the actual anniversary.

I'm going to celebrate tomorrow by taking a yoga class - I really want to find a good one. The ones I've been taking at my gym lately (went to one last night) have been sorta sucking. It's hit or miss with the teachers. And I realized, of course it is. It's a fucking gym. If you're a yoga instructor by trade, a gym is probably not the ideal place to be teaching. Perhaps it's like the Applebee's of restaurant management or the Starbucks of fine coffee brewing. So I'm going to pick from one of a couple different yoga-specific studios and treat myself to a really great class tomorrow. I hope to get in some cardio too. And I might, if time allows, get a massage!! Then I'll spend the rest of the day rehearsing for and performing in a sketch comedy show - certainly something I would not have had the opportunity, wherewithal, or full ability to do 6 years ago. The social interaction alone would have been a huge challenge for me at that time. It's not without occasional struggle now - what is? - but I'm beyond capable now. And I'm deserving. So I'm going to really thank myself and my body tomorrow for what we've been through in the last 6 years, for the sincere and rewarding effort we've made to pull ourselves (my body and me - is it getting creepy yet?) out of what could have easily been, without a doubt, the end of the road in the most permanent sense. And it turns out it was not the end. It was the beginning.

Tomorrow is a date that's really important to me - and I think some people might not understand that, at least people who haven't been through a weight loss journey. But it's important to me and I will never - ever - EVER forget waking up the morning of September 27, 2002, knowing I was heading to my very first Weight Watchers weigh-in and meeting ever. Knowing that *this* for some reason was IT. And that things would never be the same. And saying out loud in my bedroom that morning, "September twenty-seventh, two-thousand two. Okay. Here we go."

Meanwhile, some interesting stats:

I try not to do this, like, ever, because who really cares about the numbers (I guess I do). But an anniversary is just that - some numbers. So I pulled out the old records and books and tried to find, to the best of my ability, a way to numerically chart my weight loss progress since 2002. I've never done this before actually - looked at the numbers year by year in this way. It's pretty interesting, I'm ridiculously proud of it, and I hope it will offer support to people who feel like their efforts have weakened as they've moved through this journey.

YEAR ONE (Sept. 02 - Sept. 03): down -81.2

YEAR TWO (2003-2004): down -23.2

YEAR THREE (2004-2005): down -5.6

YEAR FOUR (2005-2006): up +1.1

YEAR FIVE (2006-2007): up +15.5 (yowch)

YEAR SIX (2007-2008): down -7.2

For a grand total of 100.6 pounds lost.

So, in the first year, I lost the bulk of my weight. Things changed dramatically for me in that year in every way. And in the second year, I lost another significant chunk. At the end of that second year I was closer to my goal than I'd ever been, and thinner than I'd been since high school. It was a blessing and I had a new life.

The third year, although I only lost 5.6 pounds, was a great year. I toned and tightened my body in ways I never dreamt possible. I spent a ton of time at the gym, became a serious runner, completing my first ever 60 minute run. I remember finding myself occasionally disappointed that the weight loss had slowed down even though I still wanted to lose another 10-15 pounds. And then I'd catch myself, laugh at myself, remember how far I'd come, how fantastic I looked, how I would never have DREAMED I'd weigh this little, and I'd tear up. At the gym. :)

Those first three years were filled with a ton of milestones and memorable moments. I remember the first time I fit into a certain outfit in a store dressing room. The sheer look of joy, delight, and amazement on my face was so awesome. I remember catching glimpses of my reflection as I walked by windows and buildings. I'd grin at how 'normal' I looked. I remember a friend telling me that I looked 'normal' which was basically like telling me I looked like Cindy Crawford. I remember finally being able to fit comfortably in an airplane seat or behind the nail-dryers at the manicure salon. I remember slipping into a pair of size 8 jeans and keeling over with happy shock. The list goes on and on.

The following year, the 4th year, was another great year. In the end, I netted a 1 pound gain for the year. But I also got down, at some point early on in that year, to my very lowest. I couldn't maintain it for long - it's about 13 pounds lighter than I am now - but it was sweet victory for a couple days. I turned 25 that year, which was a fantastic birthday. I will never forget how amazing I felt about myself that birthday. Young, confident, thin, well-dressed, a lot of friends, a lot going for me, and attention from men that I hadn't had in a long long time. It was a really good year. I also started crushing on Kevin that year, even though we were only just friends at the time. I was going out a lot. We'd go out with big groups of people, drinking and partying, staying out until all hours. And when you like a guy, you'll stay out late to hang out with him. Especially if you're 25 and you can't really feel that it's 4am (like I can oh-so-totally feel now). It was a very active year in a lot of ways. I came out of the shell I'd been in since - well, maybe forever. And had a blast. I definitely made a ton of mistakes that year and definitely wrote big giant X's over plenty of days in my weight watchers food journal - having too many drinks to remember what I'd eaten, or to care for that matter. But I kept up with the exercise when I could and kept my eye on my food intake and basically maintained my weight. It was a really good year.

And then came the fifth year. A net of 15 pounds gained. I never stopped journaling, weighing myself, working out, or trying to get on the right path. But I definitely relaxed about it all that year. That's the year I fell in luuuve. We got hot and heavy at the beginning of that year and I enjoyed the bliss of a new, great relationship as often as possible. I skipped plenty of workouts in favor of hanging out with my new man, averaging a sorry 1-3 a week instead of my usual 4-6. I ate plenty of crappy food, ordering in or going out whenever my love-bird heart desired it. I don't regret it one bit, but it did mean that when January 1 of this past year rolled around and I stepped on the scale and saw it up a grand total of 20.6 pounds from the lowest I ever saw on the scale (and up 15 pounds from the lowest weight I was ever able to maintain), I knew I had to get my butt back in gear.

Luckily, a full year of a new relationship under your belt means you don't need to have dinner with him at a yummy restaurant three times a week, nor do you need to see him as often as possible - so you can go to the gym instead! So this past January, a few months into my official 6th year on this weight loss journey (and 1 year into my relationship), I got back to business. I re-enrolled in WW online, having stopped going to meetings at the end of 2005 (except for a brief return stint in 2007 that was short lived), and bought a scale, having tossed my old one the year before. I started journaling more stringently, exercising with more focus, and making my weight and health my first priority like it was in the beginning. It didn't "take" right away. I fought it mentally for a while, not wanting to exercise or eat carefully. But practice makes progress and every week it got easier.

Another helpful piece of the puzzle was that Kevin decided to get his own health in check. He started working out and eating well and becoming interested in learning how to connect with his body more. He still eats shitty stuff from time to time (me too!) and doesn't workout quite as often as I insist on working out, but his commitment to keeping his health in mind has made a big difference for both of us. We moved in together in July and I'm more or less in charge of what's in the kitchen. And you can bet it's healthy stuff. (He's so cute. The other day he was standing in front of the pantry staring at the snack options and he heaved a huge sigh and said "UGH. HEALTHY EATING." and resigned himself to a bag of almonds. He loves to pretend to hate it. But he loves it.)

I also started, in this past year, focusing more and more on eating organic, natural, whole foods that occur in nature, rather than processed stuff that's only value is it's low-calorie status. That's made a big difference, if not in my weight, at least in my mindfulness about eating. A fast food addict in another life, I now appreciate and enjoy putting natural foods into my body. I won't eat something if I can't understand what's gone into it and I have found a great sense of pride, joy, and peace in learning to prepare and cook those kinds of food in our home. I've also added yoga into my workout routine, and am back to exercising 5 times a week. I do a mix of cardio (with a focus on running) at least 4 times a week, light strength training when I can fit it in, and yoga or pilates two to three times a week.

I've lost a solid 7.2 pounds since January. And although it's not an enormous amount of weight, I'm beyond proud of my recommitment and success. I have adapted habits in this past year (and of course in the last 6 years) that will serve me on this journey forever. They are habits that mean I will never again gain 15-20 pounds, unless I'm pregnant ;) and that I will always be able to at least maintain my current weight, if not continue to lose more over time. My ultimate goal, if I'm being honest, is to be 20 pounds thinner than I am now. Who knows if I'll ever get there. I believe I will. I certainly won't die trying. But for now I'm more than happy to keep counting my points (I'm honestly not sure if I could stop if I wanted to...a little sick perhaps, but it's replaced my faulty-functioning ability to know how much I should eat), working out 5 times a week because I love it, and checking the scale from time to time to see how I'm doing. Maybe if I get down another 10-15 pounds from now I'll see how I feel and start working to maintain. Who knows!

I work hard each week to avoid overeating. And I'm rarely successful. I eat more points than I should every single week. I haven't eaten within my points in any given week in over two years. I'm pretty sure of that. The amount I eat over my points is sometimes a lot, sometimes not as much. But I work hard on it every single day. I wake up each day and make a concerted effort to make good choices throughout the day, not just low-calorie choices, but high-nutrient, high-quality choices, so that when evening time comes and whatever activity I have going on for that evening rolls around, I can make a good choice and attempt to eat within reason.

I should add that I definitely don't believe you have to be on Weight Watchers to be successful at losing weight. Whatever plan, process, or collection of ideals works for you is what you should use. Weight Watchers worked for me and continues to work for me, but the real key is simply to move more and eat less. However you wanna do that is up to you.

Some days are easier than others. And every once in a while I get pissed off and sick and tired and I pout about how I will never be able to just eat and eat whatever I want without thinking about it. Some days I can't decide what to eat or how to get in enough vegetables or how to get through the day without feeling constantly hungry no matter what the fuck I eat because those days happen sometimes for no good reason. But those are few and far between. And the fact that I can eat how I do - which is with complete enjoyment at almost every meal - and exercise how I do - which is with the goal in mind to enjoy the experience and want to do it again the next day - and go out with friends a splurge from time to time, and eat a big fucking cookie from time to time and eat a donut from time to time and make this process work for me - the fact that I can have all that and still lose 7.2 pounds when I put my mind to it means that I have found my peace on this journey. I will never be cured of having been a fat girl. I will never possess the innate ability to eat the right things at the right times without craving other things and without wishing I could have a cheeseburger and without lamenting how it seems to come so easily for some people. I will never be able to erase the years I spent morbidly obese, beyond uncomfortable at every moment of every day.

I have, however, found my peace with this journey, found my place in the world, and found deep within me the ability to wake up each day and inspire myself to practice wellness again and again.

So.

2008-09-25T12:36:00.002-04:00

The last few days have been pretty bizzy. But today! Ahh, today. One of my bosses is gone, and one of the women at my job who regularly makes things crazy and stressful is gone. And neither of them is coming back until next week! Toot toot! This is great news because it's going to - hopefully - be a relaxing couple of days. I have some personal things I want to catch up on and I'm hoping to find some work time (like right now for example) to do that. And I'll also be able to catch up on some back-logged paperworky kind of stuff at work that has been pushed to the wayside lately.

Taking on a new attorney to assist at work (did I mention that this happened?) has been fine, fun at times, but certainly busy. He's a really nice guy and I'm enjoying working for him probably more than I've enjoyed assisting anyone else in my 'career' as an executive assistant. But he's still a new guy at the job, which means he has a lot of questions and calls me into his office to tell me things he doesn't realize I don't need to know or calls me on the phone to talk about something because he's thinking of it in that moment - not realizing that it's an inconvenience for me to drop everything I'm doing to talk about something that's not happening until 6 months from now, etc. etc. It comes with the territory though. And I'm lucky enough to work for a company where everyone's treated pretty equally. It's a good place to work, this firm. The people are basically nice and even though things get pretty hectic sometimes, I have a fair amount of freedom.

I'll never forget the last temp job I had before I was rehired at this job. (Quick recap - started at this law firm job right out of college, then quit to go work at NYU, then got fired from NYU for unintentionally doing something really fucking stupid, then temped for almost exactly a year - which at first seemed like it was going to be a great freeing experience, and was for a while, but ultimately ended up being a low-paying nightmare, then was rehired here.) That last temp job was easily the worst working experience I've had in my whole entire life. I was only there for a couple months, meaning it should be long gone from my consciousness now, but holy cow that place was a version of Hell if ever there was one. It was a construction company. And the executives/owners were crazy people. Yelling and screaming on the REGULAR, like I've never heard civilized people do before except in movies. Calling people names, telling people to fuck off, the turnover rate was so incredibly high you couldn't find someone who'd been there more than a year - most people left after 3 weeks. But that wasn't even what made it intolerable. It was intolerable because of this little bear of a woman who was hired while I was there to assist the main guy - a position that was offered to me but I refused (because it was a 24 hour a day job that included basically letting this guy shit on you daily). They could not keep a person in that position. And one of the three different woman who came in to fill the job, the one who insisted that this man would not get her down, she needed the paycheck and she wasn't going anywhere, was easily the scariest person I've ever worked for. Aside from literally locking me in rooms with her so she could berate me for 45 minutes at a time ("I'm not listening to any more of your dime-store psycho babble," she actually said to me one day. "You're a spoiled brat and you treat me like shit and I see you making eyes at people. You're not going to pull one over on me, young lady," she actually said to me one day.), she also took me into the bathroom with her one day while she VOMITTED UP HER TONGUE SANDWICH (yes) because she had some weird choking problem where she would occasionally eat too fast and then have to vomit. (I think the technical term for it is Eating Too Fast.) She would have me go down to the kosher deli and order her a $14 TONGUE SANDWICH. FOR BREAKFAST. Eat it fast like a little pig and then puke it up, choking and clutching her throat the whole way to the bathroom. She sobbed in front of me regularly. She told people lies about their coworkers, made racist jokes about the Asian woman at the office and the Black woman at the office. She threw things and shoved people and was actually a crazy narcissist - the list goes on and on. So, that's the really long-winded way of saying, whenever I find myself griping to myself about this job and how I wish I didn't work in an office, I try to remember that woman and how incredibly glad I am that I work here now. It's all relative, ya know?

Phew.

In other news, things are good thanks. I'm enjoying this fall weather. I love how it makes me feel when it's all crispy and cool outside and I have to bundle up with sweaters and extra blankets at night. I'm sure I'll feel very differently once it gets actually cold - I'm not a fan of the cold at all, I'm a big wuss about it - but for now, I'm really enjoying the feeling. I'm excited to drive out of the city some weekend soon and spend some time looking at the changing leaves and finding a place where we can pick apples or somethin.

My little cousin Kalan is coming to visit in a couple weeks and I'm really looking forward to having her here. I absolutely love her, she's really pleasant company and she's never been to New York before! So hopefully we'll be able to show her a good time. I already have plenty of ideas about what we'll do that weekend so that she gets a nice mix of touristy stuff and local stuff. And I'm planning a very small dinner on Sunday night so she can meet a couple of my friends. Should be really fun. Kevin likes her a lot too and he's even going to pick her up at the airport! That's something we don't really do in New York, since people just take cabs to and fro the airports, there's no sense in meeting someone there. But she's never been here before and although she's a saavy traveler, he doesn't want her to feel overwhelmed. It was his idea! So sweet of him.

I got in a quick workout on my lunch break yesterday, just 25 minutes of good, hard cardio. I tried to run but my body wasn't having it so I did the elliptical and the stairmaster (that thing is a killer - I love it). I was planning to go to yoga last night but changed my mind at the last minute in favor of a dinner date with the BF. We went to a little thai place in the Flatiron district. It was yummy and lovely and then we walked to our improv shows, which were fun. I was home in bed by midnight, having planned to go out for a drink but deciding at the last minute to go home instead. I had two rice krispie treats after our show because it was someone's birthday and I didn't want to tempt myself with more caloric "opportunities" so going to bed seemed to be the best bet. I've got to get better at that though - going out after the shows. I never go out on Wednesday nights anymore and I really should. It's fun and it's a good chance to catch up with people who I don't get to talk to that often during the week. But I always find myself, after the shows are over at 11pm, exhausted and wanting to make the smart choice of going home to bed rather than staying out late, spending money on drinks and the inevitable cab home. Wah wah wah, right?

ANYWAY, I had plans to go run this morning but that didn't happen. I'm itching for an outdoor run right now. I had such great success on Monday afternoon when I ran, I felt so fast and strong and I know I was running faster than I have in a long time. But I had to cut the run short because I had somewhere to be. So I'm eager to get back out there and try again, without time constraints.

After work tonight, I plan to go home, stopping first in Park Slope at the gym there. There's an 8:30 Hatha yoga class (I haven't taken a formal class in two weeks! gah! - just been doing it on my own. But I miss classes.) that I want to take and if I can get down there by 7:45 or so, I can get in a good 40 minute run - either outside if the weather holds up (100% chance of rain, sooo...) or inside on the treadmill. I really don't want to run on the stupid treadmill today, but I will if I have to. Either way, no matter where or how, I'm running and taking yoga class tonight. Period. I think Kevin might be joining me. We'll seeeee.

We had a last minute invite from our good friends to go to a Mets game tonight. I'd love to go but it's supposed to rain (see above). Alas. It would be fun but I definitely need a good solid workout so I think I'll have to choose that tonight instead.

And I'm hoping the debates are still happening tomorrow night because I have plans to watch them with people! Looking forward to that. Maybe I'll get a couple bottles of wine so we'll feel even more like yelling at the TV. ;)

I'm going to try to get in another quick workout on my lunch break tomorrow. Probably a light lift session and the stairmaster. I did that last week on my lifting day and it felt great.

And then Saturday will definitely be a long cardio session and hopefully another yoga class if I can squeeze it in. I have a show on Saturday night and a long rehearsal leading up to it so that will be a pretty full day.

And Sunday is gonna be a no-workout day because I'm working an event in Union Square that's going to last allll day long. 730am-5pm. Yikes! It's something called Pilates for Pink. I'll write more about it after it happens. But there's absolutely no way I'm working out after being on my feet starting at 730am, which, to me, might as well be 430am. It's EARLY!

So that's that. We're using up our groceries nicely, I'll have to make a run soon for some fill-in-the-blanks type items but otherwise we should be good to go for another week.

My 6 year ww anniversary is on Saturday. Holy cow I can't believe. I'll have some interesting stats to put up later today with regard to that....Until then!

Aack!

2008-09-24T11:44:00.002-04:00

Can't believe it's been a week since my last post. Things at work have been steadily busy and the free time I do carve out, either at work or away from work has been filled with different stuff that doesn't include blogging. Too bad because I do really enjoy writing on here when I can. I had a great weekend, highlights include: had an awesome dinner out with friends on Friday, made a huge lunch feast with Kevin on Saturday after a nice long run, took a nice long walk/hike, had brunch with a friend, and baked organic cookies (yum!) on Sunday, and then played hooky from work on Monday as a last minute decision, which I made when the alarm went off at 7:30am. I got a lot done that day: I made a mexican lasagna, we cleaned out bedroom closet together, cleaned the apartment a bit, went for a jog. Exercise has been great, food has been okay, the scale is reacting as usual, budging slightly every week. I don't mind the slow pace at all. Kevin's good, the weather is gorgeous, I am enjoying cooking and yoga and was able to run faster on Monday evening than I have in a long time. Blah blah blah. I'll try to write more later but for now I gotta scoot. Just wanted you to know I'm alive.

the best boyfriend

2008-09-17T12:27:00.003-04:00

He is. He definitely is. More on that in a minute...

Yesterday, during my lunch break, I went to the gym and did 15 minutes of running on the 'mill and 15 minutes of stair stepping on the classic stairmaster. Sweating like a little piglet the whole time. It felt good. It was one of those days where I felt like I could run forever but of course only had 30 precious minutes to do anything at all. And I wanted to get some stair time in because it's good to switch it up and I feel like that stairmaster just really kicks my ass. So I split my time in half and did it that way. Oh what I would give for two hours in the middle of each day for exercising and stretching. And a long meal? And a nap? SIESTA!

Anyway, I had some fruit and peanut butter as a snack in the afternoon, and was pretty hungry by the time I was finally walking to rehearsal after work. As I've said a thousand times, on most nights of the week I have some kind of rehearsal or show that keeps me occupied until at least 10pm if not later. And last night was no different. I always have grand plans on these nights - I decide I'm going to get through the activity and THEN go home to enjoy a nice meal from my kitchen. Now, why is it that even now writing that out I realize how ridiculous it sounds to wait until 11pm to eat dinner, but in the moment, I always think I can combat the forces of hunger and just wait it out. Probably because I like to pretend that my life is not so busy and that I get home at a comfortable hour each night. But I don't. And that's just the reality. And it will be the reality for the forseeable future.

But at least once a week I try - and fail - at this dinner-at-home-at-midnight idea.

I called Kevin on my way to rehearsal last night to discuss food, and sort of became a bit of a rag on the phone. And he was like, will you please just go get something to eat now? You can't wait until afterwards, you'll never make it. Thank god he suggested it because if I hadn't gotten that oh-so-delicious slice of hawaiian pizza at the shop next to the rehearsal studio, which appeared like some kind of desert oasis, I would have been one pissy young lady during that practice. The slice was delish and rehearsal was fine, although it ran long which always just makes me so irritable. So by the time I was heading home on the subway, I was trying to combat the grumpies. The woe-is-me's. That's something I really need to work on.

I got home and sweet Kevin, the lovely, had prepared a huge spread of yummy taco fixins! And he was waiting for me to eat it! Besides the standard sour cream, cheese, etc, it was complete with taco-seasoned ground turkey, avocados, cilantro, and other delicious things that I never think to have on hand for taco night. What a lovely treat!!! I wasn't super hungry but the food looked so delicious and it was so comforting and nice to have it lovingly prepared and waiting for me, and I'm an absolute sucker for mexican food at any hour of any day, so I made myself a taco salad with lettuce, ground turkey, chopped tomatos, jalapeno, peppers, some salsa and a dollup of sour cream and pinch of cheese. It was deeeeeeeeeeeeelicious. And even though it was kind of a "second" dinner since I'd already had that pizza slice, I didn't care. I threw a few flex points a it, remembered my sweaty workout earlier in the day, and chowed down. I was completely satisfied, and not stuffed, when it was over.

And as we sat down to eat, Kev said, "I also have a present for you," and handed me an issue of Yoga magazine!!! Awwwww. Boys who pay attention! Win. I thought it was a very sweet gesture since I've been getting so into yoga lately and also since I dragged the poor guy to a class over the weekend that probably made him never want to think the word 'yoga' again, let alone buy a magazine related to the practice. So it was sort of like a peace offering. And he said, "I want you to read it and tell me if you like it. Because I was going to get you a subscription but I wanted to make sure you liked it first. There are probably a lot of yoga magazines out there." What a guy. A thoughtful, useful, right-up-my-alley present for no good reason besides he's the best and he was thinking of me. It made my whole evening - that and the great meal of course. I felt really spoiled. >grin<

The magazine is cool and I think I've actually never opened a yoga magazine before in my life. It's fun to have a new interest. :)

This morning was nice - I woke up right at 8 (thanks to a fat, mean cat who lives in our house and knocks shit off the dressers when he doesn't get food - anyone want a cat? no, really?) and I got some things done with the extra time. I did the dishes and wiped down the kitchen, which hadn't been done for a few meals, and then I made myself breakfast - a couple eggs, some strawberries, a piece of toast and half a glass of milk.

Not sure if I mentioned this yesterday (and I'm too lazy to go look ;) but I usually eat breakfast at my desk at work, which sometimes results in me not knowing what to eat, spending money on breakfast out somewhere if I haven't brought it from home, being distracted while I'm eating, and generally rushing around and being 5 minutes late for work. So I decided yesterday morning to try something I haven't done in seriously ten years - eat at home before I leave! Revolutionary. I had bacon and egg/veggie scramble yesterday and eggs and toast this morning. Delish and a nice way to start the day. So I'm gonna try to keep that up when I can.

I'm having lunch with the BF in a bit - he had a meeting in the city today. Thank god it's soon because eating a good 1.5 hours earlier than I usually do has left me HUNGRY much earlier for lunch, naturally.

Tonight, after work, I'll go to the gym or run outside. I've been taking yoga or pilates on Wednesday nights before my improv show but I think I'm going to skip it tonight in favor of a long cardio session and some lifting/abs. It's perfect running weather today, sunny, crisp, breezy. So maybe I'll take it outside. We'll see. Might have to do the ol' tv-while-treadmilling thang. Anyway, after that, I'll GET SOME DINNER (jen. do it.) and go to my improv show. :)

2008-09-16T14:01:00.003-04:00

If I don't do this right now I'm never gonna get to it today.

I had a really nice weekend. I'll do a quick recap.

Friday night was datenight. I was so beyond exhausted when I left work on Friday night. The entire week had just been nonstop. Almost every day had been nonstop from 8am to 12am, no joke. I would get up around 8, leave the house by 9 and not return most nights until midnight. It was a lot.

I met Kevin at a restaurant in Park Slope, which is a neighborhood near our neighborhood, for those of you not familiar with New York. We go to this tex mex place in that 'hood called Santa Fe Grill. And we LOVE it. We hadn't been in a while so we were both excited. And hungry.

I usually love to have their margaritas but I decided I didn't need the calories so I just had a couple sips of his and order a gin and tonic with lime for myself. Significantly less going on in that drink than in a margarita. We had chips, guac, salsa, delicious entrees, and nice conversation. My exhaustion-funk eventually lifted and we had a nice time. It was an otherwise early night because I had to be up early Saturday morning.

Saturday was HST day. We finished writing, rehearsed, tweaked, re-rehearsed, and finalized our show. It was a bit stressful but we work well under pressure so we got it done. We worked from 10am-2pm, took a break until 6pm and basically worked straight up until showtime at 9:30pm. Kevin and I (Kevin does the lights, sound, and narrative intro for our show) went to have lunch and workout during the break. We had a yummy lunch from the Whole Foods prepared foods bar (mostly salad and rice and we split a slice of pizza) and made our way to the gym for a long cardio session and some light lifting.

The show went really well; it was very scary and exciting for us to finally be performing it and was ultimately a lot of fun. But by the end of it, when we were all finished and had our street clothes back on, we were all just zombies. I was sitting in a booth at the bar with Kev, all of our friends milling around, and I said "I'm at zero right now." I could barely even smile or make eye contact with people, I felt so ridiculously depleted from all the different kinds of physical and mental exertion from the day and also from the whole nonstop week. About ten minutes later, Billy, one of my HST teammates who'd been talking to someone on the other side of the bar came up to me and said "Jen, I'm at zero right now." Funny. But true. We were all just drained. I was ready to leave shortly after Kevin and I shared a burger and fries.

Sunday was ahhhh NOTHING for most of the day. Well, sorta. It was so nice not to have anything "work"-related on the agenda. We slept in, which I needed badly, woke up around 11:30, and I decided I didn't want eggs for breakfast. (We eat a lot of eggs and eggwhites in our house.) So I decided to make pancakes from scratch! Obviously pretty simple, but I'd never done it before. I found a very simple, healthy recipe online and they turned out great. I made some plain ones, a walnut one, a couple strawberry and blueberries ones and we chowed down. YUM.

A while later, I got a wildhair and decided I needed to walk to a local yoga studio for their 4pm basic class. Kevin came along and I think he might still regret that he did. It was a tough class. The walk, round trip, was about 45 minutes, which was very nice, and the class, although basic, was intense. This woman was a fantastic instructor. It was a very different vibe, of course, and she was a different kind of teacher than the yoga classes I take through the gym. I loved it. I was sweating BULLETS. I don't think they had any a/c on in there and it was a bazillion degrees outside with humidity like you wouldn't believe (when we left the apartment for the first time that day to set out on our walk to the yoga place we both said "Oh GROSS.") so the sweating was to be expected, but I was also working my ass off. And in a basic class! The teacher was amazing about making sure we were getting the most benefit out of every pose and movement. And boy, were we. Oof! I loved it. I think Kevin would have rather probably been anyplace else in the world. And maybe we bickered about it a little bit when it was over. :) (Read: had a big fight.)

We grabbed something to tide us over on the walk home - an all-natural frozen yogurt for me and a slice of pizza for him. We showered and changed at home and then headed over to our friend Matt's house for what will go down as one of the best meals I've had in a long time. Matt is a vegetarian and he invited us over for dinner because he'd been feeling like "cooking for people." And who am I to turn that down? We brought some wine and arrived to a house that smelled lovely. The menu included: a light citrus beet salad (never had beets before!), unbelievable bruschetta type things with veggie toppings to die for, a white-bean soup that was creamy but not heavy, a spring salad with lemon juice and a hunk of cheese, gnocchi made from scratch with pesto also made from scratch, and for dessert, this unreal warm berry mixture over HaagenDas. So. I died. From joy. And flavor. And it was LOVELY.

We loved sampling all the different foods Matt had prepared, we had lovely conversation, and really enjoyed ourselves. I was stuffed when we left, but mostly with veggies! It was a really nice time. And as if all that wasn't enough! He sent us away with leftovers of the gnocchi and the soup! So awesome. Had the bean soup for lunch just now. Stuffed.

I tend to be a bit of a finicky eater so I decided to just walk into Matt's dinner willing to taste anything he put in front of me, knowing some of it might be stuff I'd never had before and would usually shy away from. And it paid off because it was all so delicious. He is an amazing cook.

I woke up yesterday to a higher number on the scale than I was hoping for, but after a huge meal and a couple glasses of wine the night before, and, if we're being honest here, a large bite of my leftovers from Friday night's datenight once we got home from Matt's, it was to be expected. I tried to eat lightly yesterday and woke up for weigh-in this morning to a nice 1.2 pound loss. Nothing stellar and perhaps not earned because I definitely had some trespasses this week in terms of food, but I'll take it.

Workouts were wonderful again this week: plenty of cardio, two HARD yoga classes, some abs, and a lifting session. Feeling really good about all that right now. I skipped exercise yesterday and I'll go on my lunch break today for just 30 minutes of cardio. I'll probably try that 3 machines workout I did last week - 10 stairmaster, 10 treadmill, 10 elliptical. Variety. Spice of life and all.

I'm going to have to make it to the grocery store soon. I'm planning some veggie lasagna, some chili, and turkey burgers for this week. We'll see!

Tonight is another HST rehearsal and then I'm hoping to make some pizzas with Kev . It will be late 10:30 or so, by the time I get home but those puppies cook up quickly, so it should be fine.

Our apartment is a bit of a mess right now. We've been so busy. But I'm trying not to let it get to me.

Honestly, I'm definitely antsy right now - looking to the future. Wondering what's next for me in terms of my job/career and if we'll live in New York forever, etc. I guess the fall tends to make me feel that way. But the practical reality of life is that I'm way too busy to consider much beyond the daydreams I have at the moment. I'm hoping once these fall activites become more automatic, I will be able to carve out some time this fall to focus on what I want to work towards next. I'd like to have that stuff more firmly in my mind's eye by Christmastime. It will feel good to go into the new year with some new goals. Until then, the exercise and yoga, the cooking and organic foods focus, and the friendships and activities I'm enjoying right now will have to be enough to keep me sane. I'm pouring WAY too much time into my dayjob right now especially with the commute, but with a terrible economy and a really tight job market, there's not much room for me to move out of this lifestyle at the moment. It doesn't mean I can't imagine what will someday be possible, though.

2008-09-11T15:10:00.002-04:00

So. What to report.

Well, I had a good yoga class last night. Hard. I was on a weird mat that was fucking slipping all over the place and driving me craaaazy but I got there late, just before the teacher did, and there were no other mats to be had. This was by far the hardest class I've had yet. It wasn't too too bad but he definitely had us doing some poses I've never done before. I did get to "bind" once! Which means you basically are in a pose and loop your arms around through your legs and connect your hands in some insane way that makes you look like a pretzel, making an already difficult standing pose even harder. But I did it! That was cool. I was definitely a weakling in the class, but I kept up. Feel good today.

I grabbed some Chipotle (the burrito bol with basically just beans, chicken, a tiny bit of rice, salsa, and a sprinkling of cheese) before my 9:30 show because I didn't want my usual Wednesday night pizza slice dinner. I'd had a slice of pizza for dinner during my rehearsal the night before. I had the most irritating experience at the Chipotle - this European couple, I think maybe Spanish or something Latin?, well, let's just say they were acting like complete assholes, completely oblivious to anyone but themselves, letting their two obnoxious children run around the place, the parents not even glancing to see if the kids were okay, and they held the line up for a good ten minutes while they debated about what to get on their stupid burritos. UGH. I'm still so pissed off when I think about it. I realize it's completely futile and actually detrimental to let stuff like that get under my skin, but good god I was PISSED. Other people were pissed too. I wanted to smack these idiots.

Wah wah, right? ;)

ANYWAY, finally got to the show, late, because of Mom and Dad Dickwad. But the show was fun and I was exhausted when it was over. I headed home and finished my dinner (didn't have time to eat it before the show. thanks again, Dickwads.), watched some tv, had a tiny dessert of soycream with a cookie, and went to bed. I woke up briefly when Kev came in around 2:30. I tried to wake up this morning for a run but it wasn't happenin. Baby steps...

It's a bit fall-like today. I'm in a long sleeve top and corduroys. Love it. Kevin and I made a big omelet for breakfast - it was SO EFFIN YUMMY. Peppers, onions, turkey bacon, and cheese. We cut it in half, he ate his right then, I put mine on toast as a sandwich and brought it to work, wrapped tightly to maintain the warmth. So I had it at my desk with my iced coffee and it was nothing short of delicious and comforting.

I had some apple slices as a snack and just finished my taco salad lunch (leftover from tacos we made the other night).

Late this afternoon I'm gonna run out to the gym for some cardio. Just 30 mins, probably on the elliptical (which is apparently spelled with TWO L's). I was hoping to do some light lifting today too but since I didn't get a run in this morning, I'll use gym time for some cardio and lift and do a longer cardio session tomorrow. That's the plan anyway. We'll seeeee!

Tonight after work I'm going to over to Chris and Rebecca's apartment to work on the HST musical. It will just be the three of us going over a sketch and a musical number. It will be so nice to rehearse at their apartment rather than in a cold, barren studio space. I'm gonna get a coffee after work and enjoy hanging out with my friends while we work on our show. I'm hoping to leave their place no later than 10, hopefully before. I think it will take me a good hour or more to get home from there. UGH.

Tomorrow should be a relatively relaxing day, I hope. No rehearsals or anything, which is a welcome break. And tomorrow night is date night! Yaay! Not sure what we'll do, but probably dinner, perhaps a movie. Should be lovely. As I said, I'm hoping to get in some exercise at some point. Maybe I can convince Kev that that's the perfect start to date night. ;)

This weekend shall be busy, with rehearsals, a new show opening, and a few social commitments, but that's okay. It will all be fun stuff, I think.

2008-09-10T13:53:00.003-04:00

I'm well. Just got out of the habit of posting daily for a few days.

I've been exercising a lot, lately, or at least I feel as though I have. The scale seems to think otherwise. I assume this is because I really let myself enjoy any and all possible foods while I was home in Chicago. I was surprised to see that I was only up a little bit on the scale after that, but I chalked it up to my incredible exercise while I was there (I really did do very well that weekend with the workouts) and moved on. But I think I fooled myself because it seems that the inevitable extra couple pounds I "earned" that weekend were just waiting for me to get nice and comfy.

Last week was certainly better in terms of food consumption and maybe even exercise, but I still ate more than I needed to. I was up for yesterday's weigh-in and just rolled my eyes and hopped off the scale. Whatev, Bev.

I'm incredibly proud of my exercise efforts lately, as I've now mentioned three times. I've been doing regular, long, cardio sessions, and mixing it up with running on the treadmill, running outdoors, hiking outdoors, and the eliptical machine. I've also been taking yoga classes whenever possible and doing some pilates and some light lifting here and there. I know I've said it before but I'm really enjoying the yoga. It's just so great on all accounts for me. I'm a little OCD about the fact that I'm not lifting as much as I used to be, but I know the yoga is building strength and flexbility in a whole different kind of way. I think this current combination of exercise is something I can stick with for a while. As much as I love lifting, I was definitely in a rut with it.

In related news - and this is pretty big for me - Kevin and I woke up this morning and exercised BEFORE I had to leave for work! Huge. We have talked about doing this countless times and I have attempted, with him and without him, countless other times, to actually go through with it. I've only ever succeeded in waking up a little earlier than usual, but not enough time to get any exercise in. This morning, the practice and constant verbalization of our desires finally paid off. We roused ourselves at 8am, which doesn't seem that early all of a sudden, and were out the door by 8:15. We shared half a banana and drank glasses of water before we left and when we opened the door to the apartment I was so pleased to feel brisk fall-like air. It was perfectly sunny, the bluest of skies, and a nice cool 68 degrees. Amazing running weather.

I wasn't sure at first whether or not I was going to be able to eke out a run at all. I'm not a great morning person - never have been. I don't usually like to move fast or talk a lot or think about much before, say, 10am. So we told ourselves we'd just walk until we felt otherwise. We got to the park, which was filled with morning exercisers, and started running a few minutes later. Ended up doing 30 minutes, 21 running, 9 walking. I was worried I wouldn't make it home in time to get ready for work, but we walked in the door with about 15 mintues to spare so I hopped in the shower while Kevin, the darling, packed my lunch for me (and left me a sweet note at the bottom of the bag...awwww >puke<), and I was out the door at just the right time.

It was so nice. I loved it. I felt really glad we did it. It wasn't a stellar workout by any means, but it was certainly progress in what has seemed like a uphill battle I'd never win, the battle to exercise in the morning. I'm not sure if it's something that will become a regular habit for me this fall, but this morning was basically painless so I'm hoping to recreate it more than once. And of course it was just great to be outside breathing in the fresh air and feeling my muscles working. I'm tired now and hungry. But that's okay.

I had an apple on my walk to the train to tide me over, and a sandwich with one egg and one piece of cheese from my egg-cart guy once I got into Manhattan. And! A hot coffee! I'm an iced coffee slave in the summers, but this morning was just cool enough to warrant hot coffee. It was yummy.

I brought my lunch today - chicken quinoa salad, a recipe I stole from my good friend Jess who has brilliant kitchen ideas on the regular (the first batch I made two weeks ago turned out just 'eh' but I learned! and this batch is really delish), a simple spinach salad, a piece of whole wheat bread, and a half an avocado. Not quite sure it will be enough food because, frankly, I'm ravenous right now, but I'll make do.

The best part of today is that I don't have to go exercise on my lunch break! I don't do that every day, but a few times a week I like to try to. I'll go to a yoga and/or pilates (I want to go to yoga but I feel like I should go to pilates) class tonight after work and before my 9:30 improv show - the show I skipped last week in favor of a nice long workout and that great Vinayasa class that I took and loved.

I think maybe I'll just take a relaxing walk around Central Park or midtown in general on my break today, soak in the perfect weather - a sunny 73 here today - and the sights and sounds of the city.

Yesterday the attorneys at my office had lunch catered and I was in charge of setting it up - so I swiped a nice handful of amazing looking cookies. This is not so I can eat them all at once, though wouldn't that be amazing? It's so I can have them for desserts for a few days. I can have one a day, that's the rule. They're yummy. I think I'll save today's for later tonight.

Things are busy again. Back in the swing of real life. It kinda feels like school started and I'm back to all my fall extra-curriculars like play practice and choir practice. It's really just HST that's ramped back up, after our August hiatus. But that, especially this week, is in and of itself a big time committment. We, foolishly or brilliantly, gave ourselves basically two weeks to write our new show, which premieres this Saturday and is a fucking MUSICAL, in essence. I'm not sure we realized, or maybe we did and we were in complete denial, about how much work there was to do. But we all really needed that break in August and most people were out of town anyway, so this is the hand we've dealt ourselves.

Consequently, everyone's working 'round the clock to get this thing on its feet. The people on the team who don't work 9-5s are meeting during the day to write songs and firm up concepts. And we're meeting in the evenings when we can to block out stuff and learn or relearn songs and figure out how to connect the dots. Luckily we wrote some of the non-musical material over the summer. But, for one reason or another, we never write these things down, so we're going to have to remember what we wrote two months ago and basically relearn it and rehearse it to the point of being funny, i.e. not embarrassing. ;) But all in all, it's been a lot of fun so far, this crash-creation process.

I was telling Jess, actually, earlier today via email that this group of people are like family to me. We've known each other for a long time, we've been in a comedy group together for 4 years and we've written six (now seven) full-length sketch shows in that time, we spend a fair majority of our free time together, whether we're working or not, we've travelled all around the country (and Canada!) together, and we know each other very well from having spent these 4 years in this intesively collaborative process together. Which means we also want to kill each other from time to time. But it's always interesting and it's usually a lot of fun and it's certainly been a huge blessing in my life, not just in terms of enjoying myself but also because it's been an amazing learning experience. I know if and when it finally ends, I will spend the rest of my life relating other experiences to this one and missing and cherishing this time. I know that nothing else will ever be like it and that I will always remember getting to live out the dream of being able to create a bunch of silly stuff with my best friends.

Can you tell we have a new show opening and that I'm all excited about it? I am. ;)

Day-job work is good too. I like my new boss, he's really nice, respectful, and easy to work with. And things are busy which is good because it's distracting. I still plan to be out of here before I'm 29 (in a year and 2 months), but I just discovered that yesterday was my 1 year anniversary of returning to this job. (I worked here when I graduated college for a little less than a year, worked other places for a few years, and then returned here last year.) I can't believe a year has passed since then, but it has.

It's going to be tough to fit in all the exercise I want to fit in in the coming days. I have something goin on almost every night. But I will do my best.

That's all my news for today, I think.

2008-09-05T18:24:00.003-04:00

Hungry today. Feeling peckish no matter what I do. Had a fruit smoothie for breakfast, which seemed like a genius plan since several hours later I was still feeling satisfied. But then the hunger arrived and hasn't stopped. Alas, I always do better to have protein and/or whole grains in the morning than just fruit.

Tired today too.

Can't wait for work to be over in 30 mins. But then I'm just going to the stupid gym. I don't want to go tonight. So I'm hoping to get there and just do a little while on the eliptical and hopefully it won't be too painful. There will probably be some good tv on.

I have a going-away party tonight for a friend's girlfriend. Right now, I just want to go home and curl up. We'll see how long I last at the party.

Last night Kevin and I made apple cheddar turkey burgers with a new recipe I got and also a batch of chicken soup at the same time! It was a bit stressful in our kitchen for a little while, since we're both relatively new to cooking, but we managed to make two meals, one to save for later and one to eat right away (we ate the turkey burgers). It felt productive. :) It was another lateish night and I did not want to wake up today. I brought some of the soup in for lunch. It's yummy.

I have some yoga and running plans this weekend but we'll see what the weather has in store. Tomorrow it's supposed to rain and I'm actually really looking forward to a rainy Saturday. I want to spend some time in my apartment doing whatever my heart desires. I have a rehearsal tomorrow night at 6pm. I'm not really looking forward to it. Hopefully that attitude will change tomorrow. Might HAVE to take a yoga class tomorrow, even if it means venturing out in the rain, just to help center me and improve my mood before 6pm. Another rehearsal Sunday morning at 11.

Back to it, this busy life. Something's gonna have to give soon. Zzzzz.

Sleepy!

2008-09-04T18:39:00.003-04:00

Only a 20 more minutes left before I leave work for the day. Wahooo! Let's see if I can bang out a quick post.

Last night was lovely. I needed an evening completely to myself, as things are going to be gearing up for me very soon. I skipped my improv show, informed the necessary parties, and went to the gym. I did a good 40 minutes on the treadmill, sweating buckets for most of it. I ran for 30 straight and then hiked for the last 10. It was tough to get going into the run, but after a while I felt good and probably would have done another 20 minutes of walking/running had I had time. But my yoga class was beginning upstairs so I had to rehydrate and make my way up there. (My new running shoes are wonderful, btw.)

The class was GREAT. I was glad because I've had a couple disappointing class experiences lately. It was really hard, there were a handful of things I couldn't do at all, and a few things I eagerly attempted only to be gently reminded by my body that huh-uh, not happenin'. But it's something to work towards!

My gym has a several different kinds of yoga classes. There are the easier classes (Hatha yoga) and the ones that are mostly standing poses and therefore harder (Vinyasa) and there are a few other kinds too that I can't remember now, including one called "Club Yoga" which sounds like it's more of a gym class than a yoga class. Last night's class was Vinyasa, and was the first time I'd attempted that class. The few classes I've taken since I started going to regular yoga classes after my back went out a few weeks ago have all been Hatha. So last night, although certainly harder, was a lovely change. And I really liked the teacher too. Unfortunately, I am always occupied on Wednesday nights at 830, when she teaches this class. But I'm hoping to call the gym and find out other times she teaches. It was a pleasant experience. I'm quite sore today. And I feel good. And slim!

After the gym, I went to the grocery store. Debated about it back and forth for quite a while, but finally just decided to go grab a few items. I made a mad dash through the place, the shelves were EMPTY because it was so late in the day (945pm or so), but I still managed to load myself down with more to carry than is humanly sane. The trip home (walk to the subway from the store, down the stairs, through the station, up the stairs at my station, and home) was painful to say the least. My arms were in full out fatigue mode and I'm afraid I undid any good posture or body alignment I had goin on after yoga. I tried to keep my abs tight and my breath fluid while I lugged-500-pounds around the streets of the city. Why I did not take a cab, I do not know. (Yes I do. Why am I gonna shop at Trader Joe's in an effort to save money if I'm just gonna blow the savings on a $20 cab ride back to Brooklyn. ROAR! LIFESTYLE!)

I got home, did the whole refridgerator empty and restock dance, did the dishes, cleaned up, and heated myself up some frozen thing because I just didn't have the energy. I turned on the RNC, had to turn it off because of crazy-making, and had a glass of wine while watching scrubs.

I was so close to having a perfectly OP evening and turning into bed when my darling BF called, slightly tipsy, and said he was coming home from the bar (that he went to after the improv show). And would I wait up for him? I wasn't so tired, so I said sure.

Welllllll, he got home, I ate six points more of stupid shit I didn't need (pistachios, two tiny cookies, and a bite of carrot bread) and went to bed at 245am! WHAT! I don't know how it happened. We were having fun watching some show on dateline about prostitutes (ha) and chatting. I was so fucking tired this morning. And so fucking pissed that I'd snacked when I wasn't hungry and ruined my otherwise great day. Whatever. Live and learn. And go to sleep when you think you should.

Of course I'm paying for it today. Work has been a struggle because I'm so tired! I must have whatever gene it is that causes one to feel really uncomfortable when one hasn't had enough sleep because...you get the idea.

But I've got nothing going on tonight and I think I'm opting out of a workout, unless I experience some divine energy burst when I get home and Kevin and I go for a walk before dinner. We're probably gonna go out tonight, date night! Just to dinner somewhere and hopefully back home for some couch time. I already warned him that I'm not gonna be good for more than a few hours tonight. I feel bad to abandon him for my sleep schedule but what can you do.

I hope to wake up a bit early tomorrow to prep some breakfast and lunch for the day. I was in such a hazy daze this morning I forgot all the brilliant plans I had for bringing things in from home to eat at work and grabbed other totally weird stuff that I ended up not wanting at all when I got here.

Bitch bitch bitch, yeah? I'm tired!

2008-09-04T13:01:00.002-04:00

This blog has broken my heart. And my friend Jess sent me this article about the guy who writes the blog. He's originally from Minneapolis, where Jess lives, and Jess is friends with a friend of his. His story is tragic and is a reminder of the fact that none of us are promised tomorrow.

2008-09-03T17:34:00.003-04:00

I just realized that yesterday's post was rather long, and potentially arduous for the reader, that perhaps the majority of people who read my blog don't need a play by play of exactly what I did and when I went to the bathroom while I was visting my family in Illinois. Well, hmph. It was semi-fun (or was it?) for me to write. And I know at least a few of my blog-reading friends enjoy the minutia.

Alas, I suppose I can try to pull back a bit on the exact recounting.

Luckily, I haven't much to say today. I'm tired, despite a whopping TEN hours of sleep last night. In bed at 10:30, awake for brief moments at 1:00am, 3:00am, 7:30am (should have gotten out of bed at this point), and finally up for good around 8:30. My goal for tomorrow morning is to actually get out of bed when I wake up, as long as it's after 6am. That's my goal. My aim. I aim to do this. To accomplish it? Remains to be seen...

But had I actually gotten out of bed today when I woke up at 7:30...oooBOY the things I could have accomplished! ;)

You know? This domestic life? It's lovely and all. But it's WORK. My god! It's a lot of work! The sweeping, the wiping, the tidying, the decluttering, the organizing, the what-the-fuck-do-I-do-with-all-these-plastic-bags-and-how-did-I-acquire-them-anyway-since-I-feel-like-I-always-bring-my-own-bag-when-I-go-shopping, the meal planning...seriously. I don't think I actually knew it would occupy this much mental space. And to someday add a kid to that?! Pffft! Craziness. I can't imagine. I definitely need to get outta this job in the next year.

ANYWAY. :) Tonight, I'm undecided. I have an improv show but I might skip it. I need some time to myself. This weekend gears back up to normal non-August-vacation life - a handful of gatherings, obligations, rehearsals, and events. Big sigh. So I'd much rather be peacefully prepared for that schedule than feeling like I can't catch up right outta the gate. Which means I might skip tonight's show. It's something I rarely do, skip a show, so we'll see. Yoga is DEFINITELY in the cards either tonight or tomorrow. And so are a couple of nice long runs.

My eating is getting back on track after the very free (ahem) long weekend. I had a reasonable day yesterday, in terms of food. And I'm doing even better today. I went to the farmer's market on my lunch break to pick up some produce, either Kevin or I will do the rest of the shopping tonight or tomorrow, and I've made a meal plan for the next week or so complete with some easy new dinners to try out.

That's it. How's that for low-detail.

August to September

2008-09-02T11:27:00.003-04:00

I had a really good time at home in Chicago (er, a Chicago suburb). I'm not sad to be back, necessarily, but I'm sad it had to end. I could have used several more hours in each day while we were there.

We arrived on Friday afternoon and went out to dinner with my mom, her husband, my grandparents who'd driven up from Southern Illinois for the visit, and my aunt and uncle who also live in town. It was so fun. Lots of drinking and eating. Slept like a rock that night.

Saturday morning I woke up early (as I did every day) and had some breakfast, egg sandwiches a la my mom, with the family before some of us headed off to Health Bridge, the local fancy workout facility. My cousin Kalan's boyfriend Dave drove us to the health club. (Kalan, a special ed teacher who just started her very first teaching job last week and Dave, a Scottish guy who Kalan met while studying abroad and who is currently in America to go to school, live with her parents right now to save money, the same aunt and uncle I had dinner with on Friday night.) My mom and grandparents stayed home and worked out outside or on the treadmill downstairs, but Dave, my mom's husband Tom, and Kevin and I all went to Health Bridge. I'd arranged for Kevin to have a 10:30am massage that morning, which was also happening at the health club. So we basically dropped him off at the spa section and set out about our various workouts. I did a blessed 60 minutes of cardio, 30 running, 30 on the ellipitcal, and it was nice. The facility is huge, with great equiptment and lots of options in terms of exercise. (I saw a healthy handful of people I knew from high school, though, which was a bit odd.)

After we grabbed Kevin from the spa area, who looked easily a foot taller and like a whole new person (and he loved the massage - said it set the tone for him for the whole weekend and felt great), we all headed back to my mom's house, just a 3 minute drive, and took showers, etc. Before I showered I did some light lifting and stretching in the basement while my mom lifted weights too.

That evening, after an afternoon spent running errands with my mom and grandmother while Kevin hung with my stepdad back at the homestead, was a big BBQ at my mom's house with the whole family. My mom, her hub, my grandparents, the aunt and uncle from Friday's dinner, Kalan and Dave, Kalan's sister - my cousin - Mallory, my other uncle who lives in downtown Chicago and drove in for the evening, his wife, and their twin 7 year olds - a boy and a girl. And of course Kevin and me. My mom, with the help of her husband, oldest brother, and sister in law, prepared a big spread with tons of great BBQ food. We got drunk on whiskey sours and beer and I ate way more than I needed to. We all talked and laughed and told stories well into the evening. I crashed before the party ended that night, I was so tired.

The next morning, Sunday, I woke up early again, ready for another great day. We had plans to meet everyone for breakfast at a local place. I'd never been there before, but I wasn't terribly impressed. We all met around 9, everyone from the party the night before, and enjoyed a nice big meal. My grandparents left to drive back to their house, 5 hours away, after breakfast. My mom and stepdad and Kevin and I headed back home to relax.

I talked Kevin into taking me shopping for some stuff I needed and he was a great sport about it. We had a nice afternoon alone together, driving around the suburbs, people watching and price comparing. It was tiring, naturally, but productive.

My mom and her hub went mini-golfing with the twins and their dad that afternoon, then the twins and their dad drove back to the city and my mom and Tom were home when we got there with all our stuff (new sneaks, new bras, and a new pair of jeans! wahoo!) Kevin and I made a big spinach salad for lunch and then couched it out for a while. We were debating about whether or not to go down to Jazz Fest in the city that evening - my mom was planning to take us, but by the time the evening rolled around she was just so exhausted from everything we'd already done that weekend - and I don't blame her - so she gave us the option of going alone, but we ended up deciding to just stay in town and relax. The city and live music would have been nice, but we live in a big city and we've heard some good live music this summer already. New York is not Chicago by any means and it would have been nice to be downtown, but still - we were on vacation from all crazy hectic city life.

We did decide to go to the nearby park, called Veterans Acres, which is actually this huge forest preserve type area with tons of wildlife and different foresty areas of all varietys - and LOTS of hills - to go for a run. We did a light ten minute lifting session at the house before we left and then drove to the park. It was a nice 40 minute jog, but it was HARD. The hills at this place are unreal and every time you conquer one you feel like the next one is already staring you down. We covered lots of different terrain in those 40 mins, jogging most of the way. We had so much fun together, enjoying nature and taking in the sights and smells. It was pretty great. We ran up some huge stairs that are built into the side of a hill at the end of the workout, the back down them, then up again to finish. It was a really good workout that made me feel out of shape! Those hills were killer. My mom says that even when she's in great shape (she just had foot surgery so she hasn't been able to run for the last couple months) that park is a hard workout for her. And my mom is an athlete who rarely complains about tough workouts. Kevin and I are both still sore from it. But we both wore our new running shoes and they held up perfectly.

We got home, showered, (our ankles were filthy from all the dirt we ran through), and sat down to Chinese take out with my mom and stepdad. It was yummy and we had a nice chat over dinner. We all watched some tv after that, then my parents went to bed. Kevin and I debated going to a movie, but we were both sleepy so instead we made ourselves decadant sundaes with low calorie ice cream and some other yummy crap left over from the BBQ. We crashed into bed yet again.

Woke up Monday and went to the gym again. I did some pilates and some cardio and then we headed home to shower, etc. in time for a 10am brunch at my aunt's house. My mom offered to let me drive her stick shift, two-seater, convertible sports car, which she just bought at a STEAL (like, so so cheap) and is in great condition. It was soooo fun. I haven't driven stick in years and it came right back to me. I had to be careful because I don't technically have a drivers license but it was a quick trip.

Brunch at my aunt and uncle's was yummy, lots of horribly decadent things. Mimosas, quiches, pigs wrapped in bacon (OH GOD - I HAD FIVE!), sausage biscuits and gravy, some pecan french toast casserole heart attack thing - it was unreal. I had much more than I needed to, but was still restrained and loaded my plate up with fruit too. We ran a few errands after that, and then packed ourselves into the car to drive to a nearby outdoor bar/music venue on the river called the Broken Oar. It was fun, HILARIOUS people watching, okay live music, and beers-during-the-day. It was such a hot, sunny day. Can't beat that. It was a great way to spend our last few hours in town.

We came home, slightly hungover, and had some lunch while watching tv. We packed up the car soon after that with all our stuff, had to force that suitcase closed since we acquired some stuff during the stay, and my mom and her husband drove us to the airport around 6pm. The sun was on its way down, it was still hot, almost 90, and we had a nice 40 minute drive.

I was sad to leave. It was definitely bittersweet to be heading home. We had some time to kill at the airport so we popped into a bookshop and I was fighting back tears the whole time we were browsing. Kev was a champ about it, of course. And hugged and kissed me and let me talk it all out while my eyes welled up. He's the best.

The plane ride home was interesting to say the least. I never love to fly. I don't really mind it, but I sometimes feel a bit worried during take off and landing. I assume that's the case for most people and I try not to let it bother me while I'm on the plane. Well, the girl next to me, who was acting 'normal' in all other respects, turned into a complete nut when the plane took off. I'm talking freaking out. Like, panic attack style. And she was sitting all the way on the inside. I felt awful for her. She was so panicked. It was crazy. She kept looking out the window, like getting really really close to the window and peering out of it, and then freaking out and slamming it shut. Grabbing onto the walls and the chair arms every time there was a bump or pressure shifted. It was really stressful. Her energy was making me crazed myself. I couldn't figure out why I was feeling so jumpy and then I realized that this girl was making me think my life was in grave danger every six seconds. Everyone else on the plane was completely calm and then there was this poor girl having a meltdown. It was a bit intense. It made me wonder why she ever flies to begin with.

We got home late, after an otherwise fun plane ride enjoying each other's company. And it was equally so nice to realize that we didn't have to cab to separate apartments or say goodbye for the night once we landed. We live together! :)

The weekend was so nice for us to reconnect. My family really likes Kevin and he really likes them too. They're a fun bunch, but they can be overwhelming at times. He just takes it all in stride.

And Kevin is FINALLY done with his project! He was literally on the phone wrapping things up on Friday afternoon as he was packing and cleaning out the cat litter before the trip. Ha! The poor guy. But he's DONE now. And he said this weekend was like rehab for him. I'm so glad. He will hopefully have some time to himself for a while now. He's going to the US Open with his dad tonight and will be able to spend today relaxing, I hope.

This trip was really good for me too. I needed to get out of town and clear my head. I've been so angry at New Yorkers lately, hating (hating) the girl who sits next to me at work, hating the commute some mornings, hating certain personalities that are all over this city, hating how tense my shoulders get after a day at my office job, hating how cramped things can feel and how tightly packed my life is. And all that hate is never a good thing.

But the trip was good. Kevin and I had some great chats about what we want for our lives and our careers and how we hope to spend our time and money while we're still young, childless, and independent. And I have returned to the city with a slightly renewed feeling. It certainly wasn't a huge mental overhaul, but it was definitely what I needed. I feel not so pissed off at certain people in my life as I was when I left, not so fed up with certain circumstances, I feel like the stuff I'm not looking forward to in the coming days and weeks won't be so awful now, and I feel like I was able to reconnect to my family in an way that always makes me feel rooted. I love them all very much.

I'm excited for fall, for the weather to get cooler and for new activities to present themselves. September is a lovely month. My cousin Kalan is coming to visit for a long weekend in October and she's never been here before. So that will be awesome. We're staying in town for Thanksgiving to be with Kevin's family, but at Christmas time Kev and I are going to visit my grandparents in Southern, IL and then a bunch of us are going to Florida for a few days. Should be great.

I still feel a bit stuck in my current reality. Stuck in this job and other things I haven't felt like doing lately that I still have to do. But I've set some goals for myself and a rough timeline for leaving this office assistant thing I've been doing since I graduated. And I know forward motion is happening. And I'm so excited to watch the unfolding the next chapter of my life.

In terms of health - lots of food consumed. I was a bit OCD about it all through Saturday night. Mentioned it to Kevin and he was basically like, "RELAX." So I decided to take the weekend off from counting points. It's been eons since I've done that. It was nice. I know I ate and drank much more than I needed to, but at least I wasn't all worrying about tallying it up all the time, which always causes me to miss the moment. And I definitely made tremendously good choices too. I could have done much worse damage than I did. Plus, the three solid days of great workouts - not too shabby.

Today I'll make a menu plan for dinners and go to the grocery store after my yoga class. I'll take an 8:15 yoga class tonight (I've really missed yoga since I haven't gotten to take a class in about a week - I'm quickly becoming an addict) and probably get in 30 minutes of cardio before the class. Also I'll hopefully make some dinner at home (the kitchen is all clean, thanks to my darling BF who cleaned it before we left!) and couch it out. To bed early, also, would be ideal.

Things are going to rev back up in the coming weeks. But I can say no when I need to. I'm going to work on not judging myself for my need to be in solitude sometimes.

Homeward Bound, Jet Plane, etc.

2008-08-29T12:36:00.002-04:00

Leaving my office in about 15 minutes for the airport! Wahoo! I do love to travel. :)

I didn't workout yesterday, I was so exhausted when I got home from work. I did some very light yoga, mostly for body alignment and relaxation, during Obama's speech last night. But beyond that, it wasn't happening.

Kevin had a crazy day yesterday with unexpected things popping up for his project last minute. And he's been on the phone all morning this morning as he is packing and getting things organized at home. I really feel for him. Little does he know that last week I scheduled a surprise massage for him for tomorrow morning once we're in Crystal Lake (the suburb I'm from). :) I've had to bite my tongue to keep from telling him. I'll tell him once we're on the plane.

Frankly, I wouldn't be surprised if he had to field a phone call or two this weekend about this stupid gig. Proud of him, though. It's been a tough month.

We ended up using our dinner gift certificate last night. The place was a short walk from our house - I can't believe we never knew it was there! It was so nice to walk through the neighborhood, the meal was yummy (nothing spectacular but certainly worth going again), and we had nice conversation with dinner.

I had a glass of rose, Kevin had a margarita, we shared the guacamole as an appetizer, and we each ordered a burrito for our main course. I only ate half of mine and was sufficiently stuffed. I brought the rest home to have for lunch today at work, but then I forgot it at home!! I'm actually gonna call Kevin now to see if he'll bring it with him to the airport. We got to order free lunch at work today (last Friday of every month) and we ordered from Chop't, this salad place that's popular in the city. My salad, although probably my own fault for choosing weird ingredients, was NASTY. I can't even eat it! I'm so bummed. I was hoping a big salad would be the perfect fiber infusion to keep me full for the plane ride. I always get really hungry when traveling. Unfortunately, it didn't work out that way. I have a couple bananas with me and I just had a handful of trail mix. We'll see. Might have to get in a jog tonight when I get to my mom's house.

Last night we watched Wednesday night's speeches that we had recorded and then we watched Obama. Good tv. Then we went to BED. So zapped.

I'm going to kill a girl at my job. That's all.

Okay! Have a good weekend everyone!! I'm going to try to make healthy choices and get in some exercise, but also, vacation!!!

Zzzzzz...

2008-08-28T12:52:00.004-04:00

Sigh. I'm feeling down today. I don't know why.

I got not-enough sleep last night. And that fact made me so pissy as I was finally getting into bed at 2am. Like, so pissy I wanted to scream and cry. "I HAVE AN EMOTIONAL AND PSYCHOLOGICAL NEED TO FEEL AS THOUGH I'VE SLEPT ENOUGH, WORLD. LET ME OFF THE HOOK WITH YOUR GUILT TRIPS." Of course no one is guilt tripping me. It's my own damn creation.

Let's backtrack, shall we? Pilates class last night was okay. The woman ended class 20 minutes early because she wasn't feeling well. (I haven't had much luck with these classes lately.) But then she beelined out of there like she had somewhere to be. Maybe she was just hurrying because she was really sick. Anyway, it was mostly alright with me. Gave me some time to take a quick shower and more time to grab something to eat before my improv show. Plus I'd already worked out earlier in the day.

I made my way downtown, after eating a quick plum as a snack to tide me over. And then I grabbed a slice of pepperoni pizza for dinner. Dinners on Wednesday nights have seemed to settle into a slice of pizza and a piece of fruit. It's always a hurried night because I get out of work at 7, almost always do something at the gym until 8:30, and have only about 35-40 minutes to travel to the theater and find some quick dinner on the way. I used to wait until after the show to eat dinner, but that has proven, time and again, to leave me pissy with a headache and a stomachache because I waited way too long to fuel myself. So pizza slice it is. It's okay. It's only about 7-8 points and is delicious and warm.

Our show was fun, Kev's group did really well also, and the other show I watched after ours was amazing and had me in stitches the whole time. It always feels good to laugh really hard after a long day. And I always do on Wednesday nights. Super fun.

Kevin's sister and her husband, L and E, were in town for the evening to see the show and get a drink with us afterwards. I made my way over to the bar after the show, though, and neither Kevin nor his sister were there yet. So I ordered a beer (haven't had a beer in AGES) and sat down with some friends for what ended up being an hysterical and enjoyable conversation about all kinds of fun stuff. Eventually I noticed that Kevin, L and E were sitting at the front of the place, and I made my way over to them. It was late by this point, well past my bedtime, and I was just exhausted. I simply require sleep. Some people get all nuts if they can't have a cigarette or a drink or if they're really hungry. If I'm really tired and it's really late and I can't, for whatever reason, go to bed immediately, I'm mentally done. I wasn't this way until a couple years ago. And I sort of don't give a fuck what anyone thinks about it. (Defensive much?) It's something I should work on so my loving boyfriend doesn't have to put up with my drama and can enjoy himself. I'm not that bad, really. I don't give him a really hard time about it or anything, but I know he can sense my discomfort. I realize it's probably a simple mindset shift to just be fine with being awake. Eh, whatever. SLEEP WINS.

We chatted with L and E for a bit and eventually left to head home in a cab, as they got in their car to drive the 40 minutes back to their house in the suburbs. Got home, was being bitchy to Kevin, didn't fall asleep until 2:45 or so. I'm really tired today. And I don't have much energy to exercise.

Woke up this morning and sweet Kev made me an egg sandwich for breakfast, and wrapped it up all thoughtfully for me to bring to work. I packed it up with a few snacks (grapes, trail mix, a gnu bar) and decided that we'd done well enough on consuming perishables before our trip that I could splurge and eat out for lunch today. Wahoo! It's been a while since I've done that, when I used to do it ALL the time, like every day. So it will be fun to get something yummy and different.

I think I'll also get a manicure on my lunch break. It's been seriously months if not a year since I've gotten a manicure. Not sure when I stopped or why. I used to get one once a week without fail. I'm sure money and time had a lot to do with it. I've been keeping my nails really short lately. It will be nice to get them done.

Might do a once-around the park tonight (40-60 minutes depending on how fast I walk or run) with Kevin. Might skip it, though, since I'm beat. The scale was friendly this morning (not why I'd skip the workout, mind you), which was nice. I feel slim today. I've been working out a lot lately, in retrospect. Taking lots of classes and getting in regular cardio, lifting here and there when I can, which hasn't been much. My back injury really freaked me out in some way that inspired me to just get out there every day if possible.

We're having dinner out tonight, finally using our gift certificate from our landladies as a thank you for watching their cats. It's tex mex, which we both love, and it's close to our apartment! Which is awesome.

The flight tomorrow is around 4. Can't wait to see my family and be in my hometown, experiencing life at a different pace. I hope the weather is nice.