Hello, Strangers!

Well, I wasn't sure I'd ever post on this site again, since all my web-goings on are happening over at follow my bliss. And I'm pretty sure that the three or four people who check this particular site on a daily basis are just checking it to hop over to follow my bliss for the real non-weight-loss related updates. But, surprise! Here's a post I'm writing more for my own accountability and recording of my weight loss journey than anything else. It's nice to be back. :)

First of all, this past September 27 was my SEVEN YEAR anniversary since joining weight watchers and embarking on the journey that would ultimately net in my losing 115 pounds. I cannot believe - and I can believe - that it's been seven years. That's a long time and I think it's safe to say that my own personal "tipping point" took place long ago. I'm no longer the fat, unhappy girl who struggles with her relationship with food and her motivation to exercise like I was back in the day. And I haven't been that girl in years. What a blessing to have gone through that fiery time in my life and emerged victorious. I'm not cured, but I'm managing just fine.

That brings me to the present. Lots is going on in my world, but like I said, anyone who's reading this probably knows it already, so I won't go into the details. My current relationship with my weight, though, is something I rarely discuss in specific on my other blog.

In short: Things are good! I'm happy and healthy and I feel good about my ability to maintain my weight within this range. So I lost the 115 pounds, which culminated at the end of 2005, I believe. Then, I maintained that weight for a while. I was still "trying" to lose more weight, but it wasn't happening. I was just maintaining where I was, and that was ultimately okay.

Then I got into a new relationship and started to realize how "HERE" I really was in terms of finally being a thin, healthy person. So while I grew accustomed to that girl and while I got used to be in a serious relationship as a thin, healthy person, and while I started to do more "normal" things I hadn't done in years, like eat more than one slice of pizza, order Chinese food at 2am, have 5 beers because I wanted to have fun with my friends, I slowly started to gain some weight back.

It wasn't a devastating thing by any means. And in the end, I only gained around 20 pounds. Sure, 20 pounds sounds like a lot, but when you've dealt with losing over 100, 20 pounds is what it is. All you can do is stop the bleeding and move on as quickly as possible.

I'm actually glad I regained that weight. It was a bit distressing at the time, but I was also finally reteaching myself to live in the real world, without being "in the process" of losing weight like I'd been for the three years I spent getting the 115 pounds off my body. It was fun to let myself do some of the things I'd avoided during those three years. And I was never a fanatic by any means, when I was losing the weight to begin with. I always let myself indulge occasionally, never pushed myself to exercise in a way that seemed too far to me - that's probably why it took 3 years for me to lose all the weight. But the slow and steady progress was a good thing for me. And gaining the 20 pounds back while I learned how to eat a donut and let it go without having to immediately write the points down somewhere, was also a good thing for me. I continued to exercise and count my points during those two years, during those 20 pounds gained, so I never left the program or the process, I'd just loosened the reigns a bit.

Then, at the beginning of 2008, after about two years of slowly putting those 20 pounds back on, I decided enough was enough and I was going to finally lose those 20 pounds again. I felt ready, after two years of being more relaxed about it all, to refocus, recommit myself to some more serious exercise, to eating healthier things and making my weight a priority again. I was ready to do it and happy to do it. I got my "play time" out of my system and I no longer felt remotely deprived or like the odd man out who had to always be aware of how many calories was in something, because I let myself play around for those two years. It was time to get back to it.

But, it was also time to really strike a balance. How can I really make this the rest of my life? Again, when I lost those first 100 pounds, I wasn't depriving myself or unhappy with my lifestyle. But I still knew I was working toward a goal - that I had weight to lose and that there would come a time when I wouldn't have to focus so much on it. So when I faced losing those extra 20 pounds again, I really wanted to find a way to make a healthy lifestyle work for me forever - something that didn't have an end date.

I did get caught up in the excitement of losing weight again. And I worked out a lot (still nothing crazy, but probably more than I could maintain forever) and really enjoyed making a big push to get the weight off. I still ate mostly what I wanted, while keeping track of it. And I was able to lose 10 pounds over the course of the year. That might not seem like a lot but it was a great victory for me. I was doing it all by myself, I wasn't going to meetings or working with anyone, and I was able to make a concerted and genuine effort that paid off over the entire year. I felt really good about that progress. I knew I'd never drop 3 or 5 pounds at a time like I used to. Approximately a pound each month was good enough for me. I felt great.

I entered into this year, 2009, with that 10 pounds gone. I gained a bit of water and sweets weight over the holidays, but I was able to get that off pretty quickly. I continued with my commitment to exercise and continued with my philosophy on eating, which was that I ate what I wanted and practiced moderation. I never stayed within my points, nor did I during 2008 when I lost those 10 pounds. But I kept a record of what I was eating, said no to food from time to time, practiced restraint when I felt that I needed to, and maintained a sense of balance in my life about the whole thing.

Then I got sick with the stomach flu over the summer. I was deathly, painfully ill for a whopping 36 hours, but it ravaged me. I haven't been that sick since I was a child. I couldn't keep anything down and wanted to die. It sucked. And it blew an entire week of exercise.

It was next to impossible not to keep myself from freaking out about the fact that I hadn't worked out, but I had to let it go, because honestly? That's a little nuts. I didn't like who I was when I obsessed about not having exercised in the week before, during and after my Killer Illness 2009. That wasn't balance, that was kooky-town.

So I took some stock after that. I thought, you really need to learn how to avoid letting how much you exercise determine how good you feel about yourself. Of course, there's a direct correlation between exercise and mental wellness. And I knew that and wanted to maintain that in my life, yes. But I also knew that what was mentally UNwell was how much I relied on whether or not I exercised to feel good about my body that week. Silliness.

So I intentionally exercised less, and lo and behold, I started to want to exercise less. It was nice. I didn't change my eating too much, though. I still kept track of it and was naturally less hungry because I wasn't burning so many calories each week, but I basically ate the same.

And I gained about 5 pounds.

Now, this is not a big deal at all to me, again. I'm not upset at having gained 5 pounds, I'm not disappointed in myself. I sort of expected it to happen. Of course I'd hoped to just maintain my weight, rather than to combat having gained a little bit, but I'm not surprised, nor am I distressed. I do plan, however, to put a little focus back on it, a little spotlight, and lose those 5 pounds. Maybe another 10. We'll see!

So I did something on a whim that sorta surprised me, but feels like a good move. I rejoined Weight Watchers! Wahoo! I'm glad I did this. I'm even going to go back to meetings. I haven't regularly attended meetings in years and I'm really looking forward to the experience. I used to go to a fantastic meeting on Fridays at lunchtime and I'm pretty sure it's still there. Just 45 minutes there is like a whole therapy session, and much cheaper, so I'm excited to go weigh in, see old familiar faces, and sit my butt down to learn what's new in the world of weight loss.

They have a deal going right now, buy one month, get the second free. So I did that, which means I'll be a WWer for at least two months. I'm using the online system, and still going over my points every day - classic Jen - but I'm eating less than I have been in recent weeks and that's good for weight loss.

I'm still not back to working out how I was before I got sick / had that epiphany about the fact that I was obsessed with exercising. And I don't want to go back to a place where skipping a week of workouts makes me unable to think straight. But I do want to rediscover a safe, healthy routine that I enjoy and makes me feel great. I've still been working out for these last few months, don't get me wrong. It's just much less than it was. Instead of 6 days a week, I'm doing more like 3-4. And I plan to continue along that path, but with just a little bit more awareness and intent.

I haven't gone to my first meeting yet. I rejoined online on Saturday and I think I'll go to a meeting this Friday. It's fun! I'm having a good time counting points, something I'd quit doing in favor of keeping track of calories instead. And I like logging onto the website and reading their articles and feeling like I'm part of a weight loss community again.

There is an aspect of it that's almost makes me feel like a chronic hospital-goer. Meaning, I don't want to have to lose weight, but now that I'm back in it, I think I sort of like the distraction of this project. I have a million and one things going on in my life right now that I cannot control or don't know how to address, and this is something I know I can handle and something I know I can improve. I had two breast surgeries in my early twenties, when I was fat and unhappy. And even though I didn't, by any means, like being in the hospital, it was kind of nice to have the distraction from my real life - having nurses and doctors tend to me, having only to focus on healing my surgical wounds, rather than on healing everything else in my life that needed healing. Being tended to and helped by these professionals made me feel safe and comforted, even if the circumstances surrounding it were unpleasant. Returning to WW feels a little that way. Having a few extra pounds to lose and going back to a familiar place of healing and being tended-to is kind of nice, even if it would be all-together nicer not to be dealing with any of it at all.

I suppose I like how it feels to control my weight. And that's something I want to have power over right now, while so much else in my life feels in flux.

So, I'm back! For the time being anyway. I have no idea how much or little I will write here about the process. But I wanted to come share where I am. It's a fluid, ever-changing balancing-act, learning to be a healthy person when you once suffered from an eating disorder. But I embrace that fact. I'm comfortable with the idea of having to manage this "disease" that once plagued my entire life and is now just an afterthought that I have to tend to every few months. When I told Kevin, my boyfriend of almost 3 years, that I was going back to WW on a whim, he said he thought that was great, loves me and how I look today, but he understands if I want to revisit my old processes. He said he loves how I'm constantly evolving person who picks something up, works with it for a while, recognizes when it's not as effective as it once was, and puts it down to pick up something new to try on for size. He said he respects how responsive I am to my own being-human and how impressive it is to see someone being tuned into their own needs without judgment or self-loathing, but only an eager spirit. I mean, that pretty much swept me off my feet. ;) It was nice to hear and I let those compliments wash over me and be true. Because they are.

I'll let you know how it goes!! Thanks for reading. :)