uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugggghhhh

I'm having a hard time with shit today. I'm grumpy, I exercised and now I feel worse rather than better, I can't eat enough to feel satisfied and I'm having a very hard time staying within points each day. Grrrrr.

I guess this is just part of it. Sometimes you have to kick and scream.

I didn't workout last night. I didn't have it in me. I went at lunch today but only did a little bit of pilates and then I lifted. I didn't have time for the cardio. I will get some good cardio in this weekend, fo sho'. And hopefully one more light lifting session also.

For some reason, I jumped on the scale at the gym and it was bigtime up. But I think several things: 1.) who gives a fuck. fuck that noise. 2.) it was midday and i'd already eaten plus i had sushi last night 3.) i'm convinced that scale at that particular gym is always high. fuck that noise too. So perhaps that's contributing to my mood.

I will not come in at or under 35 flex this week. More like 50 flex. That's not awful. That's a far cry from the 70, 73, 78 (?!) I've done in the last few weeks. So I will take that as a good sign and keep plugging away. But I'm disappointed that I wasn't able to do it my first week back. I did have a holiday party, but it wasn't that gluttonous whatsoever. Perhaps this is weight gain from LAST week's holiday party (at the theater), where I did infact overeat to the hilt.

There's also been a ton of holiday sweet stuff floating around the office and the season itself makes it very tempting to cozy up with a glass or 4 of wine and eat crap with my honey. But I'm fighting it HARD. We went out last night but got sushi and only shared one bottle of saki (still went over points, but UGH I"M TRYING!). Yesterday and today have seen the likes of a large box of amazing, rich, huge cookies at work. I've had probably about 1.5 or 2 cookies in the last two days, which is showing incredible restraint. They sit right by my head all day long and I want many many of them. But I had half of one yesterday, saved the other half for today, and took another few break-off pieces at a couple other points. Not awful. Doing my best. Plus! Oh! Today I was going to order a big sloppy eggwhites sandwich on a bagel! with cheese! and then I just closed the website (online ordering available) and just didn't order it! I didn't want to spend the money or waste the calories, even though I'd already picked the whole thing out. I've been eating in this week for breakfast and lunch, which means I have to have made some progress in caloric control because I'm certain that my 5 point frozen burrito is better for me than whatever sandwich I order and call 8 points when it's probably really 16. I mean, having the real nutrition info is half the battle.

I guess I"m just frustrated that I haven't been able to navigate this perfectly. But that's silly. I'll get there. And I have to remind myself that it's really not about that stupid number. Fuck that gym scale. And I'm not even really in this for the number. I'm in it to get into smaller jeans!

I'm going to bump up my weight lifting next week and start doing some heavier weights. I'm pretty consistent with weight training, but what that means is that my body is very used to the routine I've been doing and the weights I've been using etc. Sometimes I try to make little changes here and there, but I don't think it's enough. I've lifted pretty consistently for several years now, but over the summer I was taking weeks and weeks off at a time, so when I started back up, I sort of went back to basics and did some simple routines. But I haven't really varied them up since then, even though I've been back lifting for about three months. So next week I'll change it up. I'll lift signficantly heavier weights than I'm using right now and do less reps. And the following week, I'll lift signifcantly lighter weights than I'm using right now and do many reps. Just to mix it up. I also want to explore some new exercises, new machines, etc, but I think I'll try this first idea first and see what happens.

And the last thing I've been thinking is that I can always eat more fruits and vegs, more lean protein and LESS SUGAR (most of all less sugar). Since Dr. Oz's You On A Diet info came out re: sugar, I've seriously cut back. I make choices based on sugar in take all the time and whenever I can avoid it, I refuse to have any sugar before the afternoon. I don't drink sugar in my coffee so that's not tough, but I won't do cereals with sugar (did you know that Kashi Go Lean Crunch has 14 grams of sugar per serving!??! - you're only supposed to have 3 or 4 grams for breakfast!), or anything else that I think is harboring hidden sugars. But I can always do more. i.e. Not eating the cookies and sweets that are hanging out around the office. Also, perhaps I can start drinking a protein drink (a low cal, low sugar one) on the days I lift. I think I could use it.

So I guess that's it. I still don't weigh-in until Monday, and I know there's no real reason to be a crab apple about shit. (Perhaps it's PMS related...) This post was sort all over the place, but it did help me remember that I've made some excellent progress this week. And that there's plenty I can do to feel like I'm making even more progress.

Blah blah blaaaaaaaaaaaah grr.

Big weekend ahead, btw. A lot going on. I"m hoping it will make it easier to eat well than harder. I'll grab a drink tonight with Dan after work and a light din with Kevin before we go see a show. Tomorrow is super fuckin busy. And Sunday is busy too. I'll get in another workout and avoid the sugar!