Long Overdue

Here I am. I am here.

Sometimes taking a deep breath and sitting down to write out the minutia of all of this stuff takes it out of me before I've even typed one thing. Ultimately, it's all just unnecessary detail. I ate this much, I moved this much, I lost this much, I gained this much, I should do more of this, that, or that other thing. Blah blah, right? I think that's probably why I quit writing my weight loss blog to begin with several years back. I got tired of recounting it all.

That said, as useless as it sometimes feels to spend time recounting a lot of it to the internet, I still think it helps me to check in occasionally and be accountable to myself? my friends? I'm not sure...but it keeps me focused on my goals I suppose.

My goals. Ohhh my goals. My goal presently is to lose weight. I'm doing it, I'd say. My scale ran out of batteries this morning (I just bought it so I didn't know that could fucking happen, but alas) so I'm not sure exactly where we are on that progress, but I know we are SLOWLY (slowly, people) making headway.

I've probably lost a fair 5 pounds since I began this journey on January 1. I think I reported that loss earlier on this blog. And since then it's gone up and down and up and down. I'm eating too much and not exercising enough. But I'm not gaining weight. And I'm rebuilding good habits which will hopefully continue to serve me better and better as time goes on. 5 pounds total in a little over a month is not too shabby and I will take it. Another few months like this and I'll be done!

Last week was one of the better weeks I'd had in a while. I got in a few good workouts, nothing mind blogging, but I spent some time and energy on my body, which is better than nothin. I came into Superbowl Sunday with no flex points left to speak of - no problem there since I worked out and ate lightly during the day, and saved up 17 points to spend on our spread. (I made chili, Randy made dip, Daniel brought sweets, we had beer and veggie dip and chips and crap.) And I ate it. All 17 points of it - and then probably 25 more points of it. Yup. "Ruined" an entire week in about 4 hours.

I'm not sweating it. Had that food fest not occurred, I would have gotten through the week with flying colors - I was on track to have one of my best weeks since returning to the program. And Superbowl Sunday doesn't happen every week. So perhaps this week I will have that much more self control, without the eating holiday thrown in the mix, and come out on top.

Since I began WW in September of 2002, almost six years ago now, I have become so much more aware of what I'm eating, when, how much, and why. And as I lost that 100 pounds in the first couple years, a day of diet derailment was usually very hard to stomach. No pun intended. In those days, I would be very upset with myself the next day after a food fest - sad, worried, and disappointed. It's taken years to move past all that nonsense and just be and live and not get furious with myself over a chili-cheese dip snafu. It fucking happens. And I work my ass off the rest of the time, saying no thank you to something yummy I want, or exercising when I don't feel like it, so that I can have some chili-cheese dip from time to time. Because I LOVE DIPS.

The bottom line is that I, who used to walk around so uncomfortable because my hips hurt from carrying too much weight, I, who used to be humiliated to get dressed every morning, I, who had NOTHING to wear because none of it fit me, I, who ate fast food at every meal and consciously chose NOT to eat healthy things, I don't live like that anymore. I walk everywhere I go, I eat three squares a day and snack very little. I eat fruits when I remember to and veggies when they're there and I stop eating when I feel full (usually). I exercise, I fit into small clothes, I look great! I look great because I feel great. I'm not a size 2. I never will be. I'm lucky I'm okay with that, I'm lucky I'm in love with a man who's more than okay with that. Superbowl Sundays don't really matter in the grand scheme. I worked out before hand and planned my day around eating junk food. I never would have done that six years ago. I would have had a Wendy's cheeseburger on my way to the party.

So the scale can continue to go up 2 pounds, down 2 pounds, my motivation to exercise can be all over the place, but my ability to maintain a healthy weight is never going to change again. I know how to do it. And if I'm this weight for the rest of my life, I will be okay with that. I'm a differnet person now and it boggles my mind when I think about it. It wasn't THAT long ago on life's timeline that I was obese. And it's such a blessing to get to know both lives. And to have chosen this one.

My "new" week started yesterday. All the other weeks are behind me. I'm going to workout today at lunch. And tomorrow after work too. I'm going to try to get some more fruits and veggies in too. I'm doing well with food so far and I hope to see a loss this week. I think I shall. I think I shall.

(Some business: WW online changed my points-per-day from 23 down to 22. Probably because I gained last week and they wanted to offset it. Fine. Fair. But it also went back and rewrote all my previous weeks as though I were meant to be eating 22 per day points the whole time! So, on weeks where I'd gone over flex points by 15, I was suddenly over flex points by 7 more points, 22 total. That's one point for each day that used to be 23 points a day but was now retroactively lowered to 22! That seems unfair to me. If I'd been eating perfectly each one of those weeks and went back to look at my history now, it would say I'd gone over each week by 7 points. A little annoying. But I suppose the WW organization wants to have somethign to point to if I come to them and say I"M NOT LOSING WEIGHT! Right. Because you're eating too much retroactively. Fine, fuck you, WW. Whatever, it's fine. Sort of motivates me more, actually. Like a little challenge.)

Okay. That's the update. I'll write again after next weigh-in probably. Which will have to occur at the gym since the ol' home scale died.