Here it begins again.

So, I have turned twenty-six. It happened on a rainy Tuesday. I spent the day with my best friends Billy and Adam and then I went to improv class and out for drinkings afterwards. Tonight, I'm going out with a group of people to a bar downtown, should be fun.

Ever since I got fired, I've been living a very purgatory-like life. This hasn't been an easy period of time and I have to constantly remind myself that I'm a worthwhile human being. Tonight will probably be my last hurrah for a while; I need to regain a sense of what it means to be me and start taking some things more seriously. I really am so blessed and I wonder if I just create obstacles for myself more than anything else.

I should have a job soon. The comedy stuff is really awesome right now, I'm feeling good about what I'm doing and how much I enjoy it. I feel so so so lucky to have weekly opportunities to perform. Rehearsing, performing, taking class, going to improv practice, watching shows...these things take up the majority of my time, occupying almost every night of the week. I wouldn't change it for anything. It's a fulfillment I never knew I was missing and to have been so deeply involved in it for the past two years, to keep finding new things I love about it, to keep being moved and excited by the old things I've always loved about it...is awesome. I feel really lucky that I went to a great school and ended up with some sweet training and always followed my emotional desires. As much as my emotions plague me and as much as I live by them in ways that I wish I wouldn't, following my feelings might have always been a strong suit of mine, whether I've allowed it to serve me or not.

Being twenty-six feels older than ever. It's kinda awesome though. I haven't minded getting older as I've gotten older. Street cred, I guess.

I have been struggling to hold on to value lately, to hold on to what I value and to remember to find value in what I know I value, if that makes any sense. The party is over, my birthday has passed, I've been jobless for four weeks exactly and I'm ready to start the next happy chapter.

Now I'm going to go to the gym and go shopping for a new top for my party tonight.

And I think I'll have a goddammed latte.

Yes!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

I gotta run, I'm late for therapy. ;)

Executive Decision

Tomorrow's my birthday.

I've been sitting here trying to decide if I should splurge on a $15 mani/pedi. Tomorrow's my birthday. Decision made. See you at the nail place.

xoxo

Disclosure

Gonna start titling these suckerz!

I'm trying to smoke less weed.

And now I think to myself, is there anyone who reads this who I don't want to know that I smoke weed?

Nope. No one. Freeing.

Anyway, I'm trying to smoke less of it. And here's a quick tip. If you don't buy it, you can't smoke it. Durrrr.

This morning, at 4:40am, I woke up, put on pants, got into a minivan with my friends Billy and Adam, drove to the West Side to pick up a bunch of bundles of magazines, drove to Valley Stream, Long Island to "dispense" them, stopped at Billy's parent's house for orange juice and conversation, and drove back to the city. Many laffs were had. Then I got home to queens at 11:30am and zzzzzzzzzz'd. We got paid a lot of money, relatively speaking, to complete this task.

I'm going to the gym at 6pm. I AM. I really am.

I'll be 26 in 4 dayz.

I had a pretty awful therapy session on Tuesday. She was just particularly hard on me about some stuff she thinks I've been "glossing over." There's something very strange about one grown person paying another grown person to get in their face when they aren't being honest with themselves. I was sitting in that room, all huddled over my cup of coffee, which felt like the only normal object in the room for a few minutes, wondering why this all suddenly reminded me of being reprimanded for not having my napkin on my lap when I was in the 5th grade. I'm sure she, the therapist, would certainly scoff at my making this analogy, since the very point she was trying to make involves me equating something serious that's happened with things that aren't serious. And perhaps she has a point.

But her point is not MY point. My point is, why do I pay someone a million dollars a second to make me feel like my mom flew in from the Chicagoland area, rewinded me to age 8, and sat me down in the living room to raise her cruel eyebrow and wave around the note I wrote about kissing Brian Robinson, the note I folded up into a precious little triangle so only my best girlfriends would know how to open it, the note she found in my pants pockets when she was doing the laundry and somehow cracked my fail-safe note-opening scheme?

My 26th birthday is in 5 days.

Goonies is on! It just started! Will I watch the whole thing? Who knows. But there's a good chance I will.

Ohh hahaha, when Chunk knocks the penis off the statue of David and then glues it on upside down? Hahahaha. Wheew.

I haven't blogged in over a week! Amazing. I suppose I've been busy.

I don't have a job yet, but things are coming together in that area. In the meantime, please send all $1000 checks to me.

So much has changed so quickly in my world and adapting to it has been different-feeling each and every day, but it's all good.

I wish I had something funnier or more interesting to write. I turn 26 in six days! There's that.

Please send all $1000 birthday checks to me.

I'm eating a mini-bagel with egg whites, tomato, and cheese and my cat is spending 100% of his energy trying to get a bite of it. I'm smarter than him, whether he thinks so or not, so I'm simply identifying whatever new tactic he's implementing (the sneak-up, or the act-casual-so-she-won't-notice, or the often effective "what? i'm just looking!") and moving the plate with the bagel on it to the other side of my body JUST as he thinks he's about to succeed. It's genius, really. Because it makes me feel like a big, strong, industrious human and it makes him feel like an insignificant, easily out-smarted feline.

Of course, I'm the one of the two of us stopping everything I'm doing to blog about how I'm proud of myself for stopping my cat from eating my breakfast. He's the one calmly sitting in the window acting like he has no idea what's going on.

Everything's changing. My whole life feels like it's in major transition. It takes some basic breathing to get used to the idea of letting things go and making room for new things and generally adapting to change. Because change can be a very hard thing. Change can also be a very good thing.

It's pretty intense.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow morning though. I've felt that way for a few days now -- that I look forward to waking up to find what the next day will be. Cool.

I bought some lite cheddar cheese. And i'll tell ya what. Not bad. Not bad at all. Totally worth it.

It's rainy today. I could eat anything you put in front of me. Let's see if I can't get that in check before I go out for the evening.

I'm going out to do something expensive tonight. It's $18 to get in and a 2 drink minimum! But it's a show that friends are in. So to it I go. Look at me, acting like I have an income.

Goals for this evening: do not overeat. do not overdrink. Fridays can be tempting.

Big weekend ahead. Gonna see two shows tonight (one play, one improv-karaoke show), gonna rehearse and perform in a show tomorrow night, gonna rehearse on Sunday as well. I can also see some vigorous exercise taking place. I've been running outside like it's my job.

A friend just got a new apartment in Brooklyn. It makes me want a new apartment. That seems like a long way off.

Getting another job thoughts: okay I'm seriously, for a few days now, considering getting a job at Trader Joe's for a little while. Is this insane? I've never worked somewhere like that. Might be good for me. I'm waiting to talk myself out of it, but that hasn't happened yet. Then, after I get sick of that, do I go corporate again, for the money? That makes me a little sick. So i'll just live day by day. Right now: it's friday!

I've been sleeping. A lot. I slept waaay in today. I think I've needed this. I've been on a gotfired-imposed vacation for exactly one week now. This is not half bad. I'm gonna have to find a source of income soon enough. But sitting around doesn't blow.

For now.

I can see how it might get boring though. Or can I?

Improv! I just wanna get better and better at it! Sketch comedy is awesome too. Things are movin and shakin and it's fun.

Bye.

I haven't posted in a few days because being jobless has a nice relaxing hum to it. No need to interupt that with unnecessary blogging.

I'm watching Martha Stewart's show right now and Rod Stewart was just on singing some awful bullshit song that made me want to poke out an eye. Phew, we're at commercial now. Phew.

Alright, so what HAVE I been doing. Well, I'll tell you. And I'll tell you first that it's not half bad. I've been hangin out. I've been tying up loose ends. I've been dealing with the details of being fired like putting together a loose budget for myself so I don't overspend the money I have, telling my mom and dad I got fired, updating my resume, and generally getting organized. Perhaps I'll start applying for some jobs later today. Perhaps not. This has been a week of vacation and I needed it.

I've also been reading and doing crosswords and seeing comedy shows and having drinks and having nice chats with good friends and having dinner and watching tv and listening to music. It's been excellent.

I'm gonna keep takin it real easy for a few days. I'm really enjoying where I am right now, mentally, which is in a pretty zen place. And it doesn't hurt that I just bought my very first copy of the Tao.

Fired: Day One.

This has been one of the most interesting days, intellectually speaking, I've had in a while. My entire reality was turned upside down yesterday at 12:30pm. Needless to say, I spent most of the rest of yesterday simply absorbing what happened. I spent time with a friend, I went to an improv practice, I went to see a show, I went out for drinks at our bar, I did some more late-night hanging out. I needed to totally zone out, decompress, and distance myself from Reality. Luckily, a friend of mine, also had some bad luck job-wise yesterday and he was out with us last night, so I wasn't the only one receiving empathy from everyone for having a pretty interesting day.

One nice thing, and I'm discovering there are actually many (because why not make the best of it), about getting fired is that everyone you know is empathetic about it, everyone you know has a When I Got Fired story, and a lot of people also confess to things they're doing this very moment at their own jobs that could get them fired. Makes one feel like less of a horrible screw up.

Something my friend Jess posted in a recent comment rings very true: I wanted out of that job. But it was too "good" of a job, from a benefits and general ease-of-work perspective, for me to willingly leave it. As an almost 26 year old, it would have been a big decision to leave a great job like that. Evidently I decided to take the hard (or easy, perhaps) way out. I'm outta the job now. Mission: accomplished. One way or another.

Today was a new leaf. Responsibilities that have weighed on me for over a year are suddenly gone, new burdens and stressors have taken their place. But it's nothing more than I can't handle. And I don't mind the whole new set of circumstances. I'm always one for a surprising change of pace.

I'll start focusing on new ways to earn money on Monday. This weekend is about remembering how NOT defined I am by my workplace. I went running today. I'm gonna get my sleep schedule and general health schedule into a nice, relaxing routine. I'm gonna be frugal with my money and enjoy my friends and hobbies and love my New York City Life.

Freedom, Keith. I won't forget it!

I got fired today.

:)

Whew.

It's been a strange couple of days.

As I get older, I continue to surprise myself at how much I'm capable of learning about myself.

Sometimes sad stuff happens, but I can definitely handle it. And I realize I haven't lost myself anywhere along the way.

It's about looking forward; it's about being exactly where I am. It's about trusting the path I'm on, living the life I'm actually living, and being willing to say YES fearlessly. It is exactly what it is. And that's okay.

Harvard Sailing Team doesn't have a show tonight and I think we're all grateful for the Saturday night off. It's been a while. Industry show on Tuesday and then back into a Saturday night run for two months! Whoof!

I have been very tired all day today. And very hungry. And I had improv class practice. And I'm going to go to sleep early tonight and I'm eating a grilled chicken salad right now, thank god.

I have a few things to accomplish tomorrow and I'm loving the new fall weather.

Also, I'm watching Fast Times at Ridgemont High and I'll tell you what, it's a classic.

This is turning out to be a pretty excellent weekend.

Today is my adorable mom's adorable birthday. She's a young 45 years old today. I love you, Mom! Even though you don't read this or know it exists.

Anyway, I sent her a package including a cat mask, which is a long story, but I know she'll love it. Sometimes she drives me up the FUCKING WALL, but my mom happens to be a really awesome, amazing, beautiful woman. And she smells really good like a mom, like MY mom, and that's all that could ever matter. Happy Birthday, Mama!

In other less pleasant news, I had a bizarre evening, last. I have been a lot happier in the last calendar year, consistently, than I've been since I was a kid. And it's a strange sensation to realize that you rarely feel a depressiveness that you used to feel all the time. When I was working my way through and out of that depression, I spent a lot of time alone. I loved it. I needed it and I preferred to avoid intimacy of any sort with any sort of person. I've quit doing that; I'm now intimate with the best of em. But last night, for some weird reason, I wanted nothing more than to be in that depressed, alone, hiding-away place. Except I couldn't muster the ..what..willpower? to actually act on it. Like, I felt these feelings but couldn't quite bring myself to "medicate" them with the isolating actions I used to rely on.

So instead I went for a run and lifted some weights and then had some Chinese food. And I felt better.

I know what I wrote above might not make complete sense, it doesn't make sense to me either. I've grown out of the kind of depression I used to know, and I have, without even really knowing it, developed a whole new way to cope with the world around me. I spent years in emotional and psychological strife. Then I spent years climbing out of that hole of strife. And now I'm not doing either of those things. I'm not making a mess and I'm not cleaning up a mess. I'm just being Me.

And I love comedy.

It seems to me that if they made those little deli napkins much larger and more absorbent, they wouldn't have to give you so many at once. You end up using like 85 napkins to wipe egg off your chin when in all actuality, one big paper towel would also do the trick. It's common sense. And also, frugal.

Ohhhh, they want me to actually do WORK to at work. Ohhh, I'm EARNING money. Okay, cool. I get it now. I'll get right on that. Glad we cleared this up.

Meanwhile, this woman is why I wanted to become an actor:

I got some kleenex and some medicine. And friends try to cheer me up over the instant messenger. All nice things.

But the best thing is in an email I got from someone-sugary. And after checking her blog to make sure I wasn't stealing anything, I decided everyone needed to see this picture that My Favorite Sarah sent me "for balance," which, whether she knows it or not, made my afternoon.

How swank is THIS:



Sorry, Sarah, for stealing your kittens-as-a-heart-photo. I dare you to tell me you mind.

Headache. Fuzzy brain. Stuffed up nasen. Coughing. Sore chest. Sneezing like it's my 9-5. I'll live. But man, it sure makes ya sleepy. I went to sleep really early last night. The theme of this week = sleep.

I'm sitting at the front desk at work right now, covering for the receptionist while she attends a meeting. Attends. I just used that genuinely. While she attends a meeting. Whilst she participates in an arranged gathering of other employees who will discuss certain workplace goals and ideals.

She's really neat and tidy, is the thing I learn about her from her desk. She's got all these little systems and files and I just found her "Tuesday, October 3: To Do List" which is written on formal stationary. Her business cards are in a fancy little business card holder. Everything is just-so, a cup of Starbucks coffee to the left of her monitor, a random pen laying lazily askew, perhaps just for affect. This makes me feel a little like an idiot. Because my To Do List is chicken scratched in a notebook and on post-its all around my desk. My business cards are buried deep in a drawer somewhere and I can assure you I've never handed one out. She's also like 5 years younger than I am and just started this job a few months ago.

Well, FINE. AT LEAST I'M FUNNY. HAHAHAHAHAHAhahahahahahaaaa...ahem.....>cough< >sigh<.

It's Monday! It's October. Aww, October. I'm a fan. I'm a fan of September as well, but October, ooo, crisp yummy October. I'll take 'er.

I enjoy the fall. This is a truth.

I think I'm coming down with a wee ailment. A sickness. A coldette. It's alright. It's fall.

Last week was inSANE. I was so busy, got very little sleep overall, had to get up way too early way too many days in a row, and I was just consistently running from activity to activity. Then, of course, in a desperate attempt to recover a normal sleep schedule over the weekend, I failed tremendously. The weekend was just as busy as the week and it all came to a crashing halt when I ended up sleeping until 3:45pm on Sunday afternoon. No joke. SICK. I needed it though. I was sure that falling asleep the next night would be impossible because I slept so late. Wrong. I was out like a light. I think I am finally back on track, getting a solid 8 hours last night. It's a miracle. I feel pretty good today.

I'm looking forward to having a low-key, sleepful, healthy, gym-going week this week where I don't spend a stupid amount of money and I don't stay up past 2am every night. Revolutionary. I feel all responsible and centered like it's fall and I can take on the world.

Plus, my 26th birthday is in a month. Cool.

At the bar on Saturday after our show a fight broke out! It was awful. But a little exciting. But mostly awful. And we got the hell outta there.

Thanks. Bye.