Emergence.

HI! I'm back.

I have had the desire to update this thing several times in the last days and weeks but things have been relatively nonstop. And before that, when things were stopped, I was happy to let them remain exactly that way.

All is well with me. I have been posting bits and pieces over here, at my "regular" blog (or the blog that doesn't detail my OCD weight loss habits).

I feel like there's so much to say. But is there really? I had a fantastic 2 weeks off work. It was wonderful, holidays aside, to be away from the office, away from my routine, and out of the city for most of that time. I find that my true habitual self tends to emerge, and happily so, when I'm given that kind of space and freedom. I know some people say they really thrive in a routine. And I think I like routines too, but I thrive MOST when my routine is 100% controlled by me. As opposed to being impacted by having to be at work, for example.

The holidays were great. I was in Quincy, Illinois,  (5 hours south of Chicago) where my grandparents live, for Christmas. It was so great to see the family. I'm a sucker for that kind of sentimental stuff. I love the holidays and I love the traditions that I can always count on. I got to spend a tiny bit of really great quality time with each of my grandparents, which is absolutely invaluable to me, and I got to spend plenty of time chatting and hanging out with my cousins, aunts and uncles. It was so nice. Kevin came along. He's Jewish so his family doesn't really do a Christmas celebration. They usually do get together on or near Christmas day but they all had other plans this year so I got to drag him down to the boondocks of the midwest.

The weather was cold, icy, and generally shitty, affecting lots of people's travel, but we lucked out and only experienced a few minor inconveniences in that respect. Kevin also met my dad for the first time ever (my parents are divorced and I rarely see him) which was interesting for everyone.

All in all, it gave me such a sense of peace to be in a familiar place (I was born in Quincy, IL and spent the first 4 years of my life there - and have visited a lot ever since), in a familiar house, with the people who mean the most to me in the world. It has taken me 28 years to realize what a part of them I am, what a part of me they are, and how genetically and emotionally we are all so connected, regardless of the mini dramas we might like to create for ourselves about family and how stressful it can be. I'm a sap like that.

I spent the few days there resting, eating, napping, watching TV, chatting, and generally relaxing. I also reset the hell out of my previously whacked sleep schedule. Awesome.

Backtracking a bit - the days leading up to leaving New York for the break were pretty insane, in retrospect. Every hour found both Kevin and I with some other task or errand. Kevin was working furiously on editing a short film, which had to be finished before we left town (except he wasn't able to finish it and had to bring his computer AND external hard drive along for the trip!) and I was a holiday nut.

Baking, cooking, mixing, buying, wrapping, packing, listing - it was nuts.

My master plan was to bake a good portion of my Christmas gifts because I couldn't afford to buy people presents. I baked gifts for the people at work that I had to give to, for Kevin's family, and for the handful of generous friends who agreed to come over and look in on our cats (Kevin calls them "the dogs") while we were away for 7 days. I also bought little silly presents for all the cat sitters, that I arranged on our table for them to discover when they stopped by.

Not having ever been a big baker, I didn't realize the task that lay ahead until I was well into it. It took a lot more time and energy than I'd expected, and several late late nights, for me to get all this in order:

I will say that it all turned out much better than I expected. The baked goods were a huge hit. I made dark chocolate walnut brownies, coconut chocolate chip pecan cookies, sugar star sandwich cookies, and a spiced nut and pretzel mix for the non-sweets-eaters (aka the aliens).

I discovered that I truly enjoying baking. Like, enough to add it to my list of potential dream careers. ;) So that's cool.

Flash forward to a couple days after Christmas. Kevin and I left the Quincy, IL to head to Venice, Florida. Venice is about 20 minutes south of Sarasota, about an hour south of Tampa, on the gulf coast. My mom and her husband, Tom, have a condo there, and Tom's mother (my step-grandmother) also owns a beautiful home there. Tom was in Florida on Christmas to be with his mother, but just after Christmas his mother traveled north to see more family. Tom stayed behind, my mom flew down to meet up with him after she spent Christmas day in Quincy with us, and Kevin and I flew down to meet them a few days later. My aunt Lisa, my mom's sister-in-law, was also along for the journey. We all stayed at Tom's mother's lovely Floridian home.

So the five of us, Mom, Tom, Kevin, Aunt Lisa, and I, spent an amazing 4 days together in the sunny fun. We got drunk before noon on more than one occasion, we ate merrily, we laid in the perfect perfect sun (it was nearing 80 degrees without a cloud in the sky each and every day), exercised (I had several great runs and did some lovely yoga), and most importantly we spent time together, catching up, chatting about life, chatting about bullshit, watching TV and movies, and bonding. We never get to see each other like this, since we live so far apart, where there's nothing of consequence to do but relax. So it was really nice and I was really really sad to leave. It was very hard to return to cold, lonely, non-holiday New York.

But I'm readjusting. Getting back into the groove. I had a few extra vacation days after Florida, which was really nice. Despite my winter blues upon returning to the big city, it was still good to have some time to clean the apartment and chill out in my own house.

Returning to work was, again, really tough. I was walking around the office in a cloud for the first two or three days, but today is day four and I'm feeling okay. I hate that vacation feels like it was already months ago. But I'm glad to feel the fog lifting. I was hating the world for a while there. As I detailed here.

So if you haven't surmised from the other blog, my facebook statuses, or a conversation we may have had in real life, I'm ready to quit my job. That's the long and short of what's been going on for me since the new year dawned. And for the last 12 months as well, to be honest.

In November, I celebrated one year at this job. I knew when I started it that it was just to get me back on track financially. Getting fired from my university job in October of 2006 was one of the best things that's ever happened to me. It kicked me in the stomach in a way that I needed. I temped for a year and then returned to this job (a job I had right after graduating college several years earlier) for more stability and for health insurance. But again, I've always known it would just be a place marker.

I got fired from my job at NYU at a time when I was already looking for ways "out" of the office lifestyle. But being unexpectedly without income was not the best way for me to officially make the shift. Regaining some stability became top priority and other career dreams got pushed to the back burner when I got fired.

I am thrilled to say that after a couple years of careful financial planning, combined with my nature having grown more responsible and my priorities having shifted as my age increases, I am at a place now, at age 28, that feels calm, safe, and content in comparison to the rest of my 20's. My finances are stable, my health is fantastic, my relationship is fulfilling, my living situation is lovely, my cats are happy, my job isn't in danger, I'm performing comedy and landing acting jobs. Even though things have been pretty good for me for the last 5 or 6 years in general, things have been *this* good and all-around stable, ever. So that's really awesome.

So of course, I'm ready for the next thing.  I want to find a career that is spiritually fulfilling, allows me much more control over my own reality than I currently have, and allows me the financial freedom to - say - live in Florida during the winter months. Because I love big city life. But I also LOVE the warm weather. I'm like a cat. I'm happiest when I'm laying in a spot of sun, napping.

As far as finding that career, I know it can be done, whatever "it" ends up being. The most important thing to me right now, as silly as this might sound, is finding a job where I don't have to sit at a desk. My body is suffering in immeasurable ways from the fact that my days are spent staring an electronic screen, typing, and answering the phone.

For whatever reason, whether it be my relationship to my body due to having lost a lot of weight, or my acting degree which focused a great deal on the human body and one's awareness of one's own, I am very intune to myself physically. When something feels out of whack, I know right away. It's why I love yoga, why I am a runner (because it makes my body feel incredible), and why I can't sit at this desk anymore.

Not to be dramatic or sound like an old lady but: my wrists hurt, my hips hurt, my left shoulder is in acute and active pain every single day, my back hurts, my neck hurts, I feel like my spine has rounded, my eyes hurt, I got my first ever migraine a month ago from looking at this computer screen all day. (That SUCKED. Holy shit, I had no idea.) I concentrate a lot on doing whatever I can to better these annoyances. I stretch out a few times a day in the office, I do yoga in the mornings before work now (New Year's resolution), I had them install a fancy new keyboard drawer, I changed the height of my monitor, I sit up straight like a total nerd all day long. I'm not sure what more there is to do but to simply get the fuck away from the problem: THE DESK JOB LIFE.

So that's issue #1. Issue #2 is that I don't care to be an administrative aide my whole life. Who does? The women here, and many of the others I've encountered in my career as an office employee, who have been admins for years and years don't seem very happy at all. Some of the ones I currently know are some of the most unpleasant people in my life. I can only imagine it's because it's not a very fulfilling job. Resentment breeds and regrets are many, in the case of these women I've observed. (Doesn't mean that's true for everyone, of course.)

I love acting and comedy and performing and writing comedy. But I don't think now, like I did think even just a year ago, that I can be fulfilled by that either, the way I want to be fulfilled. It's a great hobby. And I have had some of the best experiences of my life and made some of the best friends I'll ever have because of that part of my life. And if I were offered a job doing any one of those things I would eagerly accept it. It's fun and rewarding and enjoyable and easy as hell. And I'm good at it. I hope to be able to do it in some capacity for my entire life. I just recently booked and shot a web commercial for which I made a healthy chunk of cash. And it was a great experience. But it can't be counted on to be financially stable, at least not now. I will absolutely stay open to those things and when the opportunities present themselves, I will even work hard to get them. But I want more too.

I'm not sure what "more" will be yet. I have a lot of ideas. Some big, some small. Some are ideas about how I will logistically and financially move out of this current job in the next 12-14 months - what can I do that will still pay my bills and provide me with health coverage, but that doesn't involve sitting at desk and that will be in line with my passions, interests and will be a good stepping stone for whatever I end up deciding The Big Picture should include. And some are much grander ideas. About The Big Picture. The kinds of businesses I daydream of starting someday, the kinds of services I daydream of providing people someday, the kinds of industries I'd like to involve myself in, the ways I'd like to spend my time day to day someday. I have no idea what's in store. But I've decided to live by two things:

1. I am open to ANYTHING that meets the requirements of  being spiritually fulfilling and allowing me my freedom. And I will stay open to it all by being positive, welcoming, listening to my feelings, and saying yes.

2. This does not have to be hard and it will be not be. It's actually very simple.

The "simple" thing was a realization I had in Florida while taking a yoga class on the beach one morning. Desiring a different career and therefore a different lifestyle is not something only special people get to do, or only certain people get to do. It is the right of everyone who wants it. And it is only as complicated, stressful, and up-a-mountain-like as I make it. It doesn't mean the actual journey won't be difficult or confusing or won't require a great deal of patience and courage. But it does mean that I don't need to act as though it's some huge, insurmountable task. That just invites drama. And I don't want to invite drama. I want a fulfilling career. Simple. Once I choose to believe that, and live it, all that's left is to do it.

So that's where I am, mentally right now. My brain is working overtime processing it all, creating a new way of thinking and being so that I can make these dreams, whatever they end up being in their real-world form, come true.

I got a new tattoo on my forearm in Florida, which I adore. It was a spontaneous decision and I'm glad I did it.

Exercise and food (oh yeah) is as steady as ever. I lost 10.2 pounds in 2008. I gained 2.4 pounds during my vacation, and I'm feelin good. My goal for 2009 is to lose 20 pounds! Yikes! I know I can do it. I'm not going to obsess about it, it's just something to keep in the back of my mind. Losing 20 pounds will put me at a totally, completely normal healthy weight wherein I won't feel like I need to lose another single pound (hopefully). I'm content with my body now and would be fine to look exactly like this forever, but having the goal is a good motivation.

I'm enjoying exercise, doing yoga in the mornings and my regular stuff the rest of the time, and trying to get back into a normal eating groove after the freeforall at the end of December. ;)

I'm sure there's more I've forgotten but this is already long enough. In the coming days I'll post an About Me 08/09 List that I've been doing for the last couple years, courtesy of my friend Sarah, which you probably don't care about, but I do. I've got a few resolutions so I'll write them there.

Happy 2009, all! It's good to be back.