Things have been so annoyingly busy for me at work this week. I am thrilled to be finally - huge sigh - taking a break to sit here and do nothing but blog. I'm way overdue on this thing.

I wrote a post a week or so ago - with lots of detailed bullshit about all kinds of stuff - and I took it down. I decided it was way too inner-monologue/to do list to be healthy. And it was boring even for me to reread.

So, how am I. Well. I'm getting through each day. The last 3 weeks have been tough, to be honest. Some days are easier than others and I'm certainly not miserable by any means. But I'm not really happy and content right now either.

Work remains hard for me. I've been doing my yoga, reading excerpts from "The Power of NOW" about how to avoid becoming all tangled up in my own negative thoughts and experiences, about how I have control over how I react to my experiences. I've been sleeping 8 hours a night, exercising 5-6 times a week, eating well-balanced healthy meals, taking vitamins, reading, spending time with friends. But none of it takes away that I'm not happy at my job, which is where I, obviously, spend the vast majority of my time. The personalities, the tasks, the environment, the pace, the lighting, the smelly toxic printer that sits two feet from my face, the commute, the relationships - I'm struggling with all of it.

One of my bosses (I assist three people total: two attorneys and one administrative manager), A, dislikes me. I'm not sure why this is. His mother passed away at the end of the year and I'm sure it was an incredibly painful thing for him. She'd been dying of cancer for most of 2008. So his overreacting passive aggressively to every minor mistake I've made is understandable. I cannot imagine the pressure and stress of losing a parent, especially a relatively young parent. Anyone would be likely to lash out where ever possible.

Even so, it's created a bit of stress for me. He's sometimes condescending to me, quick to judge me, quick to passive-aggressively reprimand me, assumes the worst in almost every situation with me, and I'm pretty sure he doesn't keep it a secret to his colleagues. He also barely speaks to me and asks me to do things that he could and should easily do. My workload is enough that I don't need to be placing every outgoing call he makes. Even H, the partner I assist (A is just an associate), makes his own fucking phone calls.

In contrast, my other two bosses really like me, think I'm good at my job, we have pleasant, friendly interactions, they communicate to me their concerns when something I've done needs improvement, but not in unpleasant ways, nor with the preconceived assumption that I'm a moron.

I've definitely screwed things up at workplaces in the past in my life. I'm a smart girl, but I often don't give a shit. It's not a great personality trait in most workplace environments. I've been fired, reprimanded and punished. I've also been praised, adored and applauded in the workplace. It depends on the job and on my mental state in my life at the time (you can bet that when I was depressed and fat, I wasn't fun to work with; when I was depressed, fat, and homeless, I was the best employee you'd ever find - because I needed the job).

So because of my checkered employment past, I sometimes wonder if A is right: I'm a screw up, a daydreamer, I don't try hard enough, I don't care enough, I think jobs grow on trees.

I know that those things aren't true, though. I know that I work hard here, put in my hours, get my job done, am pleasant and thorough and attentive to my bosses. So he can kiss my ass.

They were going to switch assistants, give him someone new and me a new attorney to work with. And then they decided not to, decided that he's blamed some things on me unfairly, that he needs to learn to express what he needs and not be so passive aggressive. Apparently he was really unhappy to hear that they decided not to switch assistants. I have access to his email and I was looking for another work email when I found one he wrote to a friend. I stupidly read it (then again, he stupidly wrote it from his work email) and in it he wrote that he was having a shitty day, and one of the two reasons he listed was that "they decided not to switch assistants like they said they were going to." That made me feel about 2 inches tall. Stupid of me to have read it, but I did.

Kevin reminded me that this guy was also upset with his holiday bonus, complained to the partners about it, and refused (unbeknownst to anyone but me) to do any work for the last week of the year because of his bonus wasn't what he'd expected. So Kevin pointed out that A's being upset that they didn't switch assistants is more about him feeling like he can't get what he wants from HIS bosses, like they don't do what he asks them to do and he's not being respected by them, rather than it being about him desperately wanting a new assistant. I thought that was a fair point. But it's still an unpleasant relationship in my workplace.

A isn't the only reason I don't like it here. I just feel trapped. And I knew when I started this job over a year ago that a.) I would stay for a year and a half or two years (but no longer) as a thank you to the office manager for hiring me back when I really needed the job and b.) this job was a necessary stepping stone so that I could stop temping, pay off some debt, and have health insurance again. So it's not surprising that I'm anxious to get the hell out by now. I'm right on time, in fact. I feel trapped, resentful of my time not being my own, and generally disgusted that offices exist to begin with. Sure, they are necessary functions of society. They are also places that can suck a person's soul if you don't like what you're doing. And I don't.

All of this has taken its toll on me. Despite my best efforts with all the yoga, etc., I'm still constantly sore, tired, and have to fight the urge to be grouchy a lot of the time. It could be seasonal, or chemical. It might also be circumstantial. The point is, I'm exhausted. Mentally and physically exhausted. I grew a pain in my back this morning, from moving the wrong way in my office chair. Its acute and digs in sharply when I breathe in. I'm pretty sure that that would not be the case were I not sitting up at a desk, typing on a computer for 9 hours a day. It just hurts my body. And I KNOW that to complain about it is actually only making me sicker. So I'm trying to keep perspective and see it all as neutral - my thoughts about it are what's negative, but the actual circumstances simply 'are.' And I can control my negative thoughts if I stay in the moment. Easier said than done, of course. But it feels good to bitch about it on the blog just the same. ;)

I went to the doctor yesterday. I wanted to get a referral a sports medicine doc for all my aches, pains, and spasms of late. I am way too active not to be on top of that stuff. I also went to talk to her about my emotional state. Down, tired, headachy, irritable, low sex drive, sore.

I left the appointment feeling less than thrilled with her handling of my concerns. My feelings about the appointment might just be the current lens through which I'm viewing the world: "Less than thrilled." But whatever the reason for my feeling unheard, I didn't get much help in the way of the depression issue.

I felt like she was talking to me as though it were my first day being a human. Saying things like, "Well, it's normal, given the current state of the economy to feel a little down. Everyone goes through tough times. We all go through patches that feel blah."

Huge eye roll. Yes, lady. I know that. I'm alive and have been for years. I just told you that I've been feeling down, not like myself, and that I've had a low sex drive for over 3 months. I just told you that. It's not the economy. Trust me.

She basically told me I could see someone, wait it out, or...maybe...just maybe...in the case of there being a chemical imbalance, consider anti-depressants.

I told her I thought it might be seasonal. She said, "Get a light."

She had me fill out a questionnaire. Textbook anxiety and depression, she said.

She asked me if I wanted to consider seeing someone. I told her that I was not opposed to it but that I really couldn't afford it, even though insurance covers some of it. I also told her that I used to be extremely depressed in my late teens/early twenties. And that I was in therapy for 5 years. So I know the tools and the coping skills. I get it. It was very helpful and positive, therapy, and I am, for all intents and purposes, content in my life right now. Aside from my job, things are good.

So then she went back to the thing about everyone going through down times. She said it's impossible not to walk around in the state of the world today and not feel some stress or level of anxiety or depression. Sure. I agree with that to an extent. But I don't quite think that's it. Oh, and did you ask me if I'm worried about money or my job security? Because I'm not. And if you had asked me, you'd know that, and you'd quit telling me that I'm probably just stressed about the economy. I'm not. I promise.

She encouraged me to get enough sleep, exercise plenty, eat right, relax when possible. I said, "Well, I do yoga 3-4 times a week, I do cardio and resistance training 5-4 times a week, I sleep 8 hours a night every single night, and I'm incredibly conscious about what I eat." She said, "Well thank god you do that stuff!"

....okaaaaay.

I just felt like she was talking to me like I was 12 years old. I wanted to scream at her, "LADY. I'm sitting in front of you telling you that I've had this battery of symptoms for an extended period of time. AND I'm telling you that I used to be actually clinically depressed in a bad way and in hardcore twice a week therapy for it. So why on earth would I be sitting in front of you explaining these symptoms to you, a doctor, if it was probably just the economy-blues?! Don't you think I know my body and mind well enough, after 5 years of therapy and a significant experience with deep depression, to know when I'm just a little down verses when I'm feeling chemically off? I do everything you just suggested to help with depression. EVERYTHING. And I do it all with more frequency, regularity, and investment than most people my age. SO IT'S NOT THAT. It's NOT that I'm not sleeping enough or that I'm not eating the right things. I DON"T EVEN DRINK. Did you even ask me that? If I drink? Or if I'm using drugs? No. You didn't. You just assume that I am bummed because of the global climate. Just down in the dumps right now. I should probably just eat better, right? That will fix it. Do you think I'm retarded? Are YOU retarded?" That's what I wanted to say. I didn't, of course.

It was just inane. I felt like I was talking to a dumber version of myself, not to a doctor.

It's not even that I necessarily want to go on medication. And if I were to go on medication, I'd want it to be a very low dose of something that I could go off of easily. But I don't want the idea that this might be chemical to be swept under the rug with her "Go to the gym!" broom so easily.

All that said, after staring into her dead eyes for ten minutes, I didn't press the issue further. I didn't want to play doctor and suggest a drug for myself, to walk out of there with a prescription for Zoloft that I'd talked her into giving me. Because that's not what I'm looking for. I'm looking for something mild, something maybe structured to treat someone seasonally. And I might not even be looking for that. I'm just looking for someone to look at my actual history and my actual habits and say hm, it's probably chemical. And when it's chemical, you do have the option of taking medicine to help you. Or, hm, it's probably seasonal. Here are your options. Not, hm, you're stressed because of the Dow Jones.

I know that when I get out of this job, I will be infinitely happier. I know that it's not just (or maybe not at all ) the people and the environment. I know that I'm also someone who LIVES to be outside, who loves the sunshine, even when its cold out, loves to exercise and be active. I am someone who does not like sitting in front of a computer for long stretches of time, nor am I someone who has ever functioned well having to be somewhere at the same time every morning for 5 days in a row each week. The idea that entire days of my young life are passing me by in 9 hour chunks, while I sit here inside this room with people who's priorities are so vastly different from mine, is so painful to me.

So I'm going to trust that planning my escape route over the next few months and handing in my notice by the end of next January, if not sooner, is going to bring me some more contentment. I'm also going to trust that the day I actually turn my back on my office career forever is going to be one of my happiest. And I'm lastly going to trust that the return of the sunshine and warmer weather will be lovely.

I needed to get out of debt and get my fiscal and tangible life in order. This job helped me to do that. Now I need to help myself onto something more fulfilling.

But eff that stupid doctor. I do not like her.

In much lighter news, my improv team was kept together for 2009, and two amazing ladies were added to the team, to fill in the slots of two people who left the team last year for personal reasons. We had our first show of 2009 last night and it was a blast. We had so much fun and I know that improv is going to be a saving grace for me this year. The people, the community, and the art form itself are all very healing. And last night's show was no exception. I had a lot of fun. It's also a slightly earlier time slot than my Wednesday night shows were in 2008. So I'm glad for that as well.

Exercise and eating right, as I noted above, is going really well. The blip from the holidays is behind me and I'm back on track and feeling great. My scale's battery died a few weeks ago and I've yet to replace it. The freedom from weighing myself every day has been really nice. I like to weigh myself a lot. But I hadn't tried to go without it for a good chunk of time in a while. And it's so refreshing. I've decided that for as long as I can stand it, I'm only going to weigh in once a month. Crazy, right? We'll see how it goes. I will count January 1st's weight as my starting weight for 2009 (even though it was a bit high from festivities the night before), and I will weigh myself again on February 1st. I anticipate that I will have lost about 5 pounds, so I'm excited for that. Not weighing myself is actually helping me to be MORE conscious of my eating right now. Cool.

I just impulsively booked a super cheap hour long massage ($39!!) at this amazing place near my work. I'm gonna go tonight after work. My back has been spasming all day today and as much as a good workout sounds like a nice idea tonight, I think I'll take my lunch break this afternoon to go get some cardio done and then get my massage on instead tonight. Tomorrow will definitely need to include some power yoga and/or weight training for the ol' muscles.

Sweet Kevin is sick with a fever right now. So after the massage, I think I'll go home and make him some supper and put him to bed. :)