CAN'T I JUST BE?!

You knowwwwww, I have spent many years of my life working to improve my quality of life. And it's not just for me. IT'S NOT JUST FOR ME. Ahem. It's not just for me. It's for everyone. Because when I'm being well and acting well and living well, the people around me aren't subjected to any negativity or toxicity. It's TERRIBLE to subject the people around you to your own unresolvedness.

And I have also spent many years coming to terms with the fact that I can wish until I'm blueish-purple that everyone would abide by this logic. But wishing that will never make it true. We're all wired differently. Makes us individuals, is beautiful about the human race, blah fuck blah.

Today feels like high school to me. I just wanna lay down. And you know what else? I just wanna be MAD. Can't I just be mad?! Can't I just get mad and pout about it and NOT be consolable or logical or benefit-of-the-doubt-ful? When I was fat and depressed and a complete mentalmesscase, being sad and feeling crappy felt safe and familiar to me. I so rarely give those feelings room to set up camp in my body these days, but I wonder if I sometimes don't miss that inconsolable thang. It served me for a time, certainly. (Then it got boring for me and, worse, challenging for everyone who wanted my wellness and that behavior's just a goddammed energy suck if ever there was one.)

I am always trying to take the higher road. Today, I wanna get down into the nitty and the gritty and roll around in the mud with the pigs and kick some fuckin dirt up into somebody's face. I'm tired of being level-headed and dignified. Today I just wanna be pissed off.

Just kidding. It's nice out.