Two updates in one day?! Who am I? I'm hanging onto the no-sugar-wagon for dear life. That's who I am.

So here's the whole sad saga. No, no sugar has been consumed. But I went to the gym at lunch after my burrito salad. I had big plans for a jog. Well I get there and realize I left my FUCKING sports bra at work. That's basically like forgetting your running shoes. But I decided to brave it and wear my stupid regular bra. Mistake. It didn't hurt too much, but it DID make me feel all gross and weird, like I was exercising in a full regular clothes outfit. You know how you don't want to sweat when you're wearing your regular clothes but when you're in gym clothes you WANT to sweat? This was like a war between those two brain states. I got off the treadmill after a minute thirty to spare myself the mental agony and potential breast tissue damage.

Then I was just pouty. I tried to go do pilates on the mat and didn't wanna. For SOME reason (and seriously this rarely happens to me, but for SOME reason) I started looking at this one really attractive, tall, thin, large-breasted woman and thought about how different our bodies were. I have learned not to do that, because to compare automatically makes you less-than. And it's just a waste of time and energy and nobody but you and your own brain can make you feel any better so why go down the path to begin with. But this lady just got me. Wrong moment, wrong bra, I was done for. So I pouted about that. Then I decided to do some abs and some light lifting, pouting away the whole time. I did about 20 minutes of half-assed shit and had to pack it in to get back to work in time. Earned - oh - maybe 1 activity point. Fine. Whatever.

I left the gym. I wanted a damn snack. I don't even know if I was hungry or just still pouting. I walked into this deli that I pass every day but never enter. Well it was a fucking good-food-lovers dream. Just my luck. Fruits, nuts, various organic sweet treats, different kinds of high-fiber, no-sugar bars, gourmet chocolates I'd never seen before, chocolate covered nuts, toffee and chocolate covered nuts, toffee and chocolate covered nuts with caramel. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE. I literally stood at the stand filled with various gourmet sweets, bars, and candied nuts for about 5 minutes, reviewing different calorie amounts, reading ingredients before I realized HEY. YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO EAT ANY OF THIS TODAY YOU IDIOT. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. I thought, oh just buy them and have ONE of something. Or just buy it to have later tonight at the movies! Pffft. Luckily I outsmarted myself. Hell no. We all know that that means I eat the whole box in a shameful fit while reading CNN.com at my desk 30 minutes after shameful purchase. No, no, no. It's one damn day. I don't even WANT this stuff. But I doooo. Oh how I dooo. It's conflicted and it's ugly.

I finally settled, begrudgingly, for some cashews and an apple. Same as yesterday's late afternoon snack. Nuts and fruit. Fuck that. I like those things, don't get me wrong. But nuts are so high calorie! I could have a whole chocolate bar for the same price! But that's not the point, is it? No. It's not. What is the point again? To ruin my own life systematically, one sugar craving to the next?

You can see the drama I've created here. The conversation in my head. It's not pretty. But it's real.

No. Okay. The real point here is to avoid sugary snacks during the day/early evening so as not to overindulge in other foods that I wouldn't otherwise want/crave if I wasn't eating sugary snacks from time to time. That's the FUCK point. Roar.

So I got back to my desk after this deli mess and had some damn nuts. And a few more and a few more. Probably 4-5 points worth. Now I'm pissed. I want the apple now too. And some peanut butter on it. And SOME CHOCOLATE. And I'm not even hungry. I'm just being rebellious.

PHEW.

So I decided to come blog. I'm honestly not even sure why I'm doing this sugar test other than to prove to myself that I can. I suppose that's reason enough. And I'm not REALLY suffering. I love that I haven't eaten any cookies this afternoon. Usually I'd be AFTER them right around now. (Wait, aren't I after them? What's the difference?!)

So I can basically have that damn apple before I leave work for the day. And a cup of coffee if I really think I need it (but I don't) and that's IT until dinner time. Dinner will probably be some sort of pita with protein in it. Maybe a salad on the side. And I don't think I can do anything too interesting at the movies. Might just have to do some small chocolate thing and seltzer water.

Might just jump off this ledge.

And if someone in this office breaks out some kind of late afternoon sweet treat, I'm walking out.