Another one down...

So. I made it through another day sugar free until evening time. It was hard, as is evidenced by the panicked post below.

I had my apple before I left work last night, then Kevin and I met up with Daniel and we all had dinner before we went to see the movie. Daniel and I shared organic eggs, which came with fries and turkey bacon. And a turkey panini with swiss cheese. I had a piece of the bacon, some eggs, some fries, and my half of the panini. I actually took a lot of the turkey and cheese off the panini and sort of just ate the bread.

When we got to the movies I had a few handfuls of the popcorn that Kev ate most of and I also carefully chose (almost obsessively - like I was browsing library books) some raisinettes and some other chocolates from the drug store and enjoyed half of those during the movie. We also shared diet soda.

I will say, I felt pretty blech when I was done eating the popcorn and candy. I felt like I had a lot of it, but I think I just wanted it so badly that by the time I started eating it, I felt guilty right away, like I was certainly going to OVEReat it, no matter what. I don't think I did though. I might have had one too many pieces of chocolate. And frankly I was the instigator in getting the popcorn to begin with. And I wish I hadn't had those fries at dinner. But I did okay, considering the serious level of munchiness that I was experiencing in the afternoon. I have half a box of raisinettes left that I will save for sometime this weekend.

I've had a tough time, points-wise, so far this WW week. And also, just overall. It's been tough on the healthy living front. I'm on day 4 of my week and I've already used all my flex. Ooof. So I'm trying to be really conscientious today. I made a grocery list of healthy stuff and hope to find some time tonight or tomorrow to hit Trader Joe's.

I had cherries and an sandwich with one slice of cheese and one egg for breakfast this morning. And for lunch I'm having turkey chili and maybe a few corn chips. And more cherries, most likely. (Yum.) Hoping to avoid a ton of bread today. Just experimenting with different food combos.

I'm really just fighting to get through it all this week. This is the first time in a long time that I've felt this way. I just want to say fuck it all and sit down to a pizza and a pan of brownies. I'd probably vomit if that happened, literally, but I'm clearly exhausting myself by trying so hard to eat super-mindfully this week. It has the potential to backfire horribly with some rebellious binge at some point. But I'm counting on my intellect to keep that from happening. Plus, ew.

Kevin's going out of town tomorrow, so I think I should be able to make good choices with lots of fruits and vegetables, since I'll be eating alone most of the day. He asked me out to dinner tonight to an amazing tex-mex place that we love (today is 1 year, 7 mos for us! aww. puke.) but I said I didn't think I could swing it tonight. That I wanted to eat light. He understood. Too bad because I'd LOVE a magarita or six tonight. But I know I'd be so furious with myself tomorrow over it. I'm really trying hard to have a great week.

Exercise has been tough this week too. I suppose this has been my period week - it began on Monday. So I can't get too down on myself about my struggles. I always assume I have mental control over those hormones. I probably do NOT. I got in some lifting both on Tuesday (day one of my "new" week) and on Thursday but haven't done a lick of cardio yet (did some on Monday but that technically counts as last week) and won't be able to get to it today either. I plan to get some in both on Saturday and on Sunday, and hopefully on this upcoming Monday too.

The truth of the matter, based on the numbers, is that I average about 30 points a day. That has been the case for a while now, months even. It was probably a bit higher than that actually, a few months back, and I've eked it down to that. It was higher still back in December before I recommitted on January 1. I'm obviously losing weight, slowly of course. And the simple math is that if I want to lose weight faster, I will have to eat less than that. I'm only allowed 22 points a day, and then of course the extra 35 to spread out throughout the week. So in theory that's a grand total of 27 points a day. So I eat about 3 points more per day than I should be eating. Seems like exercise should make up for that, right? Ahhh, but I don't ALWAYS eat 30 points a day! Sometimes it's 33, sometimes, on bad days, it's 41. And frankly, the whole numbers conversation is enough to make my mind go numb. I'm not in any hurry, I have to keep reminding myself, to do this.

I guess I've been scrutinizing my body a lot lately. That girl at the gym yesterday got to me, I went to exchange a pair of jeans today and the dressing room - well you know. That stuff adds up til you're reading to take a steak knife to your thighs.

Rather than shooting for the stars each week, trying, hoping, pleading with myself to stick to 22 points a day, maybe I should just accept that we are where we are here. And try to perfect/progress that.

I'm rambling.

Turkey chili's here. Delivery. They sent me a !@#)(%^*&@#5608 COOKIE FOR FREE. GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. If I'm sticking by my guns, I'm not even supposed to have one little bite of it!!! ROAR x 500!

I guess I'll save it for tonight.

I'm going to strangle someone.