What the hell am I going to have for lunch today?

First of all, thanks a lot to everyone who commented below; I really appreciate your taking the time to read that long post and respond to me. Obviously it's an experience that I hold very close to me in terms of defining who I am and how I operate in the world. It's something I'm very proud of but certainly also something I wish didn't have to happen the way it did. No regrets, of course, but I would be lying if I didn't say that it gives me pause to remember that time and reflect on the pain.

Kevin and I sat at our kitchen table on the night of my WW anniversary and talked more in depth about pieces of the story from that summer that he didn't know or had forgotten. And I realized during that chat that I cannot actually connect to that pain anymore, the way I felt it as it was happening. I think that my body, weight difference aside, was actually physiologically different at the time. Because the pain from the depression and anxiety, not just the psychological but the spirtitual and physical pain, is something I really don't have access to anymore.

You know how sometimes, if you're quiet and close your eyes and focus, you can remember what it *felt* like to be fatter? Or you can remember what it felt like when you had an injury or you were recovering from a surgery or you were in a place of great emotional pain? And you can almost access that place for a split second even though you're better now? It's like I can't do that with this anymore. It's almost like my cells have changed. I can't feel what I felt then, even for a split second. There's something lovely about that of course because I wouldn't want to feel it again. It was a dark place. But there is also, oddly, something to mourn there for me. Because this did happen to me, through me, because of me.

So I guess that's why I needed to write about it and talk about it. I wanted to remind myself exactly what happened, that it did happen, that it was real. Not just for who I am today, but for the sad, lonely girl I was then. I want to remember for her. To do her the justice and the honor of living openly now about how I got through what I did then.

Blah blah, right? Enough of all that! Gah! ;)

So. I'm well, thanks. All's well. The anniversary was a really good day. I don't mean to dramatize it, but it was a meaningful day for me.

I woke up and finished my blog entry while the darling BF made me a lovely breakfast which I consumed, digested, and then worked off with a nice long run. At first he was going to join me on the run but then he said, "I think I'll let you go alone." Slacker. ;) Nah, I know he wanted me to have the experience of running by myself on that day. And I'm glad he did. It was a really good, albeit hard run. It was drizzling the whole time, which was kinda refreshing. And I ran my ASS off - once around the park, completing it about 4 minutes faster than I was doing over the summer. Awesome.

At one point, going down a subtle hill, I felt gravity take over and I just let my legs GO. I was running so fucking fast I thought my hips were going to pop out of their sockets, but I couldn't stop. It was like another force was moving me forward. It felt incredible. The wind in my face, my muscles burning, my heart pounding, I threw my head back and I couldn't help but grin. I probably looked like a huge huge dork. But who cares. It was great. Then later on I sprinted the last 90 seconds of the run, pretending I was running some race and had like a personal record to beat or something. That about did me in, that sprint. I was winded to the point of yikes. But it felt amazing about 3 minutes later. I wanted to go back and do it again.

I was tight on time so I had to skip the yoga class. :( Too bad. I did get to take a quick shower, smooch the boy for a minute, and then get my act together to get into the city for my rehearsal. I knew I was going to be walking right by a massage place that will do anywhere from 10 minutes to 90 minutes. So I hopped on the subway and hopped off right near the place and beelined straight up there for the most incredibly to-die-for 20 minute massage everrrrr. This woman worked it OUT. She worked fast, hard, and thoroughly and I was in heaven. I think I almost cried. It was so good. I'm definitely going back.

The rest of the day was busy. Rehearsal for a good four hours, a quick dinner, a good performance of our show, and then home to go to bed because the following morning was to be an early one.

The next day, Sunday, a bunch of us from HST and other friends of ours were working this event in Union Square called Pilates for Pink. It was basically a big pilates event sponsored by Shape magazine to raise money for breast cancer research. Our friend, Sonia, works for the company that was staffing and running the event and she contracted us to work for the day. Yes, we got paid. We had to be there at 730am and we had to work until 5pm. The day was okay - there were pilates classes all day long in a huge tent. My job was to check people in for their class and hand out the free tote bags they got as part of their donation. Let me just tell you something I re-discovered on Sunday - people get CRAZY for free shit.

It was a long RAINY day and we got plenty wet but we also got some free stuff out of the deal (fun!) and I met Mari Windsor of Windsor Pilates! So that was cool. (She was kind of a bitch! Eek!) And it was also really neat to see all these women of different shapes and sizes coming out to a.) do pilates and get their workout on and b.) support breast cancer research.

When I got home that evening, I was a zombie. I showered the yucky rainy mess off me, got into PJ's at 630pm and couched it out for the rest of the night. Kev was adorable, doting on me and keeping me company all night. We ordered japanese food, watched tv, watched the season premiere of Dexter (I was totally disappointed with the episode) and I got into bed at 10:30pm to read a magazine. I was asleep by 11:15. Got a great night's sleep.

Last night, I took a yoga class - I had the night off from improv practice, which is what I'm usually doing on Mondays. The class, which was at my gym, was a good one! Finally! It was hard, but not too hard, fast, but not too fast, and she definitely challenged us. I would like to go back to her class some time. She was a good teacher.

I felt, unfortunately, a little clunky and big during this class. I was standing right in front of a mirror and usually that doesn't bother me because you just gotta let it go about that stuff sometimes. But last night I felt like I wasn't able to do the poses I usually do without a problem, like I wasn't as "good" (ugh - that word should never be used to describe how you do your yoga practice) as the other girls, like I was SUCH a newbie. I guess those experiences are exactly why yoga practice is so important - because it's all about letting go of that judgement and being able to just Be with exactly where you are today. I wish I hadn't let it creep into my psyche but it did. I did a quick 15 mins on the elliptical after that, decided I was starving, and headed home.

I made a veggie omelette and toast for dinner and it was yum. Went to bed soon after the boyfriend got home from his rehearsal and from doing lights and sound for someone's show.

The scale was down a teeny bit this morning for weigh-in. Nothing spectacular. My goal for this upcoming week is to get in a bit more cardio. I also want to start varying my workouts a smidge more than I have been. Always good to mix it up. I plan to go at lunch today and get in some circuit type training. I envision some bar/resistance band work with 5 minutes stints on the stairmaster in between sets. Should be fun, if anything.

I LOVE October!! I am excited for this month. It feels more fall-ish every day.

I'm sad about what's happening with the economy and already planning to spend significantly less than usual this holiday season. It might finally be the year to really plan ahead and MAKE all my presents. (Macaroni necklace, anyone?) I also hope to volunteer somewhere this year around the holidays. Which reminds me, I need to write myself a note to look into that.

I'm getting hungry. I'm gonna have to get some lunch soon. I think I'll order in today. :) Special treat.