Six Years Eve (with stats!)

It's a long one. Snuggle in.

Tomorrow, September 27, 2008, marks the 6th year anniversary of my beginning weight watchers and changing my life forever.

I've been working on a written piece about My Story and what that date means to me. I have a feeling there are a lot of things that happened in my life before that date, things that led me to the decision I made on that date, that nobody knows about. There are certainly details that I've never discussed here before. I'm not ashamed of them by any means, nor am I shy about sharing them with anyone who asks (and has time to hear the whole tale).

But the truth is that 6 years, although a nice healthy chunk of time, is actually not that long at all. I suppose I'm learning as I get older that 6 years is just a drop in the bucket. And sometimes when I realize that it's only been 6 years since my life looked how it did in the days and months before September 27, 2002, I can't believe I'm living the same life. I feel like a completely different person from the person I showed to the world then.

So to continue to have some distance from My Story, some perspective on exactly what went wrong when I was a younger woman, when the wrong "began" and what caused it, is always meaningful. And it's fundamental to my continued progress as a Better Person to keep retelling myself the tale and understanding it from a fresh, more distant perspective. I was a really messed up young woman. And I want to continue to learn from and understand how things got so bad, if only to be able to offer some perspective to other messed up young women, or perhaps to know how to handle my own kid someday if she ends up having a hard time in her life.

I'll post the piece tomorrow, on the actual anniversary.

I'm going to celebrate tomorrow by taking a yoga class - I really want to find a good one. The ones I've been taking at my gym lately (went to one last night) have been sorta sucking. It's hit or miss with the teachers. And I realized, of course it is. It's a fucking gym. If you're a yoga instructor by trade, a gym is probably not the ideal place to be teaching. Perhaps it's like the Applebee's of restaurant management or the Starbucks of fine coffee brewing. So I'm going to pick from one of a couple different yoga-specific studios and treat myself to a really great class tomorrow. I hope to get in some cardio too. And I might, if time allows, get a massage!! Then I'll spend the rest of the day rehearsing for and performing in a sketch comedy show - certainly something I would not have had the opportunity, wherewithal, or full ability to do 6 years ago. The social interaction alone would have been a huge challenge for me at that time. It's not without occasional struggle now - what is? - but I'm beyond capable now. And I'm deserving. So I'm going to really thank myself and my body tomorrow for what we've been through in the last 6 years, for the sincere and rewarding effort we've made to pull ourselves (my body and me - is it getting creepy yet?) out of what could have easily been, without a doubt, the end of the road in the most permanent sense. And it turns out it was not the end. It was the beginning.

Tomorrow is a date that's really important to me - and I think some people might not understand that, at least people who haven't been through a weight loss journey. But it's important to me and I will never - ever - EVER forget waking up the morning of September 27, 2002, knowing I was heading to my very first Weight Watchers weigh-in and meeting ever. Knowing that *this* for some reason was IT. And that things would never be the same. And saying out loud in my bedroom that morning, "September twenty-seventh, two-thousand two. Okay. Here we go."

Meanwhile, some interesting stats:

I try not to do this, like, ever, because who really cares about the numbers (I guess I do). But an anniversary is just that - some numbers. So I pulled out the old records and books and tried to find, to the best of my ability, a way to numerically chart my weight loss progress since 2002. I've never done this before actually - looked at the numbers year by year in this way. It's pretty interesting, I'm ridiculously proud of it, and I hope it will offer support to people who feel like their efforts have weakened as they've moved through this journey.


YEAR ONE (Sept. 02 - Sept. 03): down -81.2

YEAR TWO (2003-2004): down -23.2

YEAR THREE (2004-2005): down -5.6

YEAR FOUR (2005-2006): up +1.1

YEAR FIVE (2006-2007): up +15.5 (yowch)

YEAR SIX (2007-2008): down -7.2

For a grand total of 100.6 pounds lost.

So, in the first year, I lost the bulk of my weight. Things changed dramatically for me in that year in every way. And in the second year, I lost another significant chunk. At the end of that second year I was closer to my goal than I'd ever been, and thinner than I'd been since high school. It was a blessing and I had a new life.

The third year, although I only lost 5.6 pounds, was a great year. I toned and tightened my body in ways I never dreamt possible. I spent a ton of time at the gym, became a serious runner, completing my first ever 60 minute run. I remember finding myself occasionally disappointed that the weight loss had slowed down even though I still wanted to lose another 10-15 pounds. And then I'd catch myself, laugh at myself, remember how far I'd come, how fantastic I looked, how I would never have DREAMED I'd weigh this little, and I'd tear up. At the gym. :)

Those first three years were filled with a ton of milestones and memorable moments. I remember the first time I fit into a certain outfit in a store dressing room. The sheer look of joy, delight, and amazement on my face was so awesome. I remember catching glimpses of my reflection as I walked by windows and buildings. I'd grin at how 'normal' I looked. I remember a friend telling me that I looked 'normal' which was basically like telling me I looked like Cindy Crawford. I remember finally being able to fit comfortably in an airplane seat or behind the nail-dryers at the manicure salon. I remember slipping into a pair of size 8 jeans and keeling over with happy shock. The list goes on and on.

The following year, the 4th year, was another great year. In the end, I netted a 1 pound gain for the year. But I also got down, at some point early on in that year, to my very lowest. I couldn't maintain it for long - it's about 13 pounds lighter than I am now - but it was sweet victory for a couple days. I turned 25 that year, which was a fantastic birthday. I will never forget how amazing I felt about myself that birthday. Young, confident, thin, well-dressed, a lot of friends, a lot going for me, and attention from men that I hadn't had in a long long time. It was a really good year. I also started crushing on Kevin that year, even though we were only just friends at the time. I was going out a lot. We'd go out with big groups of people, drinking and partying, staying out until all hours. And when you like a guy, you'll stay out late to hang out with him. Especially if you're 25 and you can't really feel that it's 4am (like I can oh-so-totally feel now). It was a very active year in a lot of ways. I came out of the shell I'd been in since - well, maybe forever. And had a blast. I definitely made a ton of mistakes that year and definitely wrote big giant X's over plenty of days in my weight watchers food journal - having too many drinks to remember what I'd eaten, or to care for that matter. But I kept up with the exercise when I could and kept my eye on my food intake and basically maintained my weight. It was a really good year.

And then came the fifth year. A net of 15 pounds gained. I never stopped journaling, weighing myself, working out, or trying to get on the right path. But I definitely relaxed about it all that year. That's the year I fell in luuuve. We got hot and heavy at the beginning of that year and I enjoyed the bliss of a new, great relationship as often as possible. I skipped plenty of workouts in favor of hanging out with my new man, averaging a sorry 1-3 a week instead of my usual 4-6. I ate plenty of crappy food, ordering in or going out whenever my love-bird heart desired it. I don't regret it one bit, but it did mean that when January 1 of this past year rolled around and I stepped on the scale and saw it up a grand total of 20.6 pounds from the lowest I ever saw on the scale (and up 15 pounds from the lowest weight I was ever able to maintain), I knew I had to get my butt back in gear.

Luckily, a full year of a new relationship under your belt means you don't need to have dinner with him at a yummy restaurant three times a week, nor do you need to see him as often as possible - so you can go to the gym instead! So this past January, a few months into my official 6th year on this weight loss journey (and 1 year into my relationship), I got back to business. I re-enrolled in WW online, having stopped going to meetings at the end of 2005 (except for a brief return stint in 2007 that was short lived), and bought a scale, having tossed my old one the year before. I started journaling more stringently, exercising with more focus, and making my weight and health my first priority like it was in the beginning. It didn't "take" right away. I fought it mentally for a while, not wanting to exercise or eat carefully. But practice makes progress and every week it got easier.

Another helpful piece of the puzzle was that Kevin decided to get his own health in check. He started working out and eating well and becoming interested in learning how to connect with his body more. He still eats shitty stuff from time to time (me too!) and doesn't workout quite as often as I insist on working out, but his commitment to keeping his health in mind has made a big difference for both of us. We moved in together in July and I'm more or less in charge of what's in the kitchen. And you can bet it's healthy stuff. (He's so cute. The other day he was standing in front of the pantry staring at the snack options and he heaved a huge sigh and said "UGH. HEALTHY EATING." and resigned himself to a bag of almonds. He loves to pretend to hate it. But he loves it.)

I also started, in this past year, focusing more and more on eating organic, natural, whole foods that occur in nature, rather than processed stuff that's only value is it's low-calorie status. That's made a big difference, if not in my weight, at least in my mindfulness about eating. A fast food addict in another life, I now appreciate and enjoy putting natural foods into my body. I won't eat something if I can't understand what's gone into it and I have found a great sense of pride, joy, and peace in learning to prepare and cook those kinds of food in our home. I've also added yoga into my workout routine, and am back to exercising 5 times a week. I do a mix of cardio (with a focus on running) at least 4 times a week, light strength training when I can fit it in, and yoga or pilates two to three times a week.

I've lost a solid 7.2 pounds since January. And although it's not an enormous amount of weight, I'm beyond proud of my recommitment and success. I have adapted habits in this past year (and of course in the last 6 years) that will serve me on this journey forever. They are habits that mean I will never again gain 15-20 pounds, unless I'm pregnant ;) and that I will always be able to at least maintain my current weight, if not continue to lose more over time. My ultimate goal, if I'm being honest, is to be 20 pounds thinner than I am now. Who knows if I'll ever get there. I believe I will. I certainly won't die trying. But for now I'm more than happy to keep counting my points (I'm honestly not sure if I could stop if I wanted to...a little sick perhaps, but it's replaced my faulty-functioning ability to know how much I should eat), working out 5 times a week because I love it, and checking the scale from time to time to see how I'm doing. Maybe if I get down another 10-15 pounds from now I'll see how I feel and start working to maintain. Who knows!

I work hard each week to avoid overeating. And I'm rarely successful. I eat more points than I should every single week. I haven't eaten within my points in any given week in over two years. I'm pretty sure of that. The amount I eat over my points is sometimes a lot, sometimes not as much. But I work hard on it every single day. I wake up each day and make a concerted effort to make good choices throughout the day, not just low-calorie choices, but high-nutrient, high-quality choices, so that when evening time comes and whatever activity I have going on for that evening rolls around, I can make a good choice and attempt to eat within reason.

I should add that I definitely don't believe you have to be on Weight Watchers to be successful at losing weight. Whatever plan, process, or collection of ideals works for you is what you should use. Weight Watchers worked for me and continues to work for me, but the real key is simply to move more and eat less. However you wanna do that is up to you.

Some days are easier than others. And every once in a while I get pissed off and sick and tired and I pout about how I will never be able to just eat and eat whatever I want without thinking about it. Some days I can't decide what to eat or how to get in enough vegetables or how to get through the day without feeling constantly hungry no matter what the fuck I eat because those days happen sometimes for no good reason. But those are few and far between. And the fact that I can eat how I do - which is with complete enjoyment at almost every meal - and exercise how I do - which is with the goal in mind to enjoy the experience and want to do it again the next day - and go out with friends a splurge from time to time, and eat a big fucking cookie from time to time and eat a donut from time to time and make this process work for me - the fact that I can have all that and still lose 7.2 pounds when I put my mind to it means that I have found my peace on this journey. I will never be cured of having been a fat girl. I will never possess the innate ability to eat the right things at the right times without craving other things and without wishing I could have a cheeseburger and without lamenting how it seems to come so easily for some people. I will never be able to erase the years I spent morbidly obese, beyond uncomfortable at every moment of every day.

I have, however, found my peace with this journey, found my place in the world, and found deep within me the ability to wake up each day and inspire myself to practice wellness again and again.