CAT!

Kevin got a new cat!

I've been sitting on this information for several days now because he very specifically directed me not to "steal his thunder" by announcing this to our mutual friends before he did. I inadvertently told MY (and his - fine.) friend Sara about it and he almost hurt himself reeling from the sheer agony and disappointment of what I'd done, so I vowed to be x about it until he'd been able to get the word out himself. I'm like a goddammed saint.

But I think he's offically told people, including Ian, for whom I was most concerned about ruining the surprise. You know, since you're such a surprise-whore, Ian. Especially when fuzzy pets are involved.

Anyway, here're three (KRG) photos of the little peanut. His name is Chaucer and he's very very sweet and loving and a little skiddish but I think he'll get over that. Now, these are cute photos, but dare I say, he's much more adorable in person.

Yay cats!!! I love when my friends get cats! Everybody! Get some cats!

Wook at da sweet babee faaaace, awwwww...

whatever. i only slept 4 hours last night.

Why do I feel blah today? Why, on earth, do I feel blah today? I've had so many good days in a row. That's probably it. Too many good days = here's a blah day. I wouldn't be me without those parts.

Names I wish were my name because 'Jen' isn't as charming as I would like:

Sarah (yup. you heard it here first. email me later.)

Mary (my middle name. a very very pretty name. Mary. Hi, I'm Mary.)

Annie (sometimes i hate this name. sometimes i love it. naaah, it's too cutsie, forget i said anything.)

Trisha (my cousin's name. and what Tim and Yang call me when we're at the Bar.)

I was in a pissish mood last night. I had improv class, during which I was hungry, pissy, and not talented. Then I went to Kevin's for a good reason that I'll tell you about later. When I got there, though, I was just a pisser. I wasn't being unpleasant, necessarily, but I wasn't being pleasant. I was just so tired. And hungry! So hungry! No matter what I ate! Still hungry! And that part sucked. And it was a damn shame because it would have been great if I had been in a better mood on this particular night. I kept trying to cheer up but I couldn't. He was trying hard to cheer me up which made it somehow worse for everyone. I'm sure it wasn't as bad as I thought but I feel crappy about the whole thing. I'm planning to move away to a cave. I have therapy tonight so it will be good to discuss some of these finer points.

Here's a thing: I've never understood love. Never. I had sex at a very early age and I think it tarnished my otherwise gentle disposition toward life.

Yes, Clayton, I heard you laugh at that.

What is there to anything, ya know? Like, why not just Be Happy all the time because someday, someday sooner than later apparently if last Saturday is any indication, this city is gonna fall into the ocean and I'm not lookin to move home to the burbs knowwanimean? I don't even know what i mean. Nevermind. I have no idea about anything. That's the truth.

Oh, no, no, we don't SAIL.

Some members of the real Harvard Sailing Team, like, the actual team, like, the ones who sail on boats and are called Harvard Sailing Team because they are from Harvard and they sail, came to our show on Saturday night!! Don't we all look so happy and collegiate? Also, look how great I look in blue. ;)

....what?

This day at work has been a mindfuck. Not really, but it's certainly been bizzy and hectic and I only just now had some lunch, phew, and now I'm sitting here enjoying some quiet time, sipping on a fresh cup of coffee, nibbling on some grapes and sweets (somebody put some RIDICULOUSLY delicious big fat peanuts in the breakroom - roar), and gearing up to do another couple hours worth o' junk before I can leave for the day. I've got a bunch to get done. And then I'm gonna go exercise when I leave here.

See how if I say it outloud I might actually go do it?

I mean, there's easily ten things I could discuss right now - like how I've been feeling fattish lately which is easily fixed - but I'm sleepy and have work to do and would kinda rather just not pick apart the whole world, right? I had a good weekend, despite a few minor hiccups, and it's probably going to be another busy week. Is that generic enough?

I need new shoes. Dress shoes. For work. Send me what you've got. Nothing open toed, I've never cared for those.

so what

Umm...what....

need a shower real bad - am v. tired - have to have drinks with a friend tonight with whom i want to have drinks, but am v. tired - miss my cat - work is good and fine and going well - i will get my first normal human being paycheck in almost three months on wednesday of next week and i'm taking you all out to dinner - i take that back.

My Level 5 class had a show last night. It was fine. I cried afterwards. But I think that might be a combination of things including that I was really hungry. Still. Improv shouldn't make one cry. It's hard sometimes, the performanth.

Kevin might be getting a cat soon and I'm abnormally excited because I love cats and I'll get to visit it occasionally and I love cats.

I love cats.

My new boss is dashing and nice enough and taught me how to make a "proper cup of tea" at 9:35am this morning.

Bullet points and a nice photo should do the trick.

- I wonder if they, at this new job of mine, are tracking what websites I go to and how often I go to them. Because they will be very amused to see me refresh www.britneyspears.com 26 times in one hour.

- I'm teasing.

- It's 46 times in one hour.

- I'm teasing.

- It's www.hillaryduff.com.

- The CEO I'm assisting will be arriving in New York this afternoon for the first time since I started this job. I will meet him in a few hours. I'm very nervous. I didn't sleep well because of it. Where was this sort of zealous work ethic when I was at my old job?

- The mysterious womb pain comes and goes and might be the beginning of mono or just a bad case of baby-in-tummy. Nah. I think I just need to eat more veggies.

- I have my first Level 5 Class show tonight for my Level 5 improv class. Barf city, I'm nervous about that too.

- Things I'm not nervous about include: talking to friends, eating, showering, watching tv, eating, showering.

- I think AOL IM makes me neurotic and I will not be signing on today. Except I can't figure out how to uninstall it from my computer. Fate?

- If I wake up in the morning to get ready for work and my roommate is also awake getting ready, I automatically hate him, wonder why he can't just stay out of the kitchen until I'm done changing (the door to my room is off the kitchen and doesn't close properly), and am at least a little bitchy just so he knows he's trespassing by being human.

- I was an only child.

Some classmates:

High Tea and My Womb

At my new job, they do "High Tea" every Wednesday at 3pm. Yes, I laughed when I first heard this. Yes, I'm not-so-nice like that.

And then Kevin said, "Tell them you'll show them what else is high, an hour and twenty minutes later."

So I have this bizarre crampy type thing going on in the ol' womb. And my period has already ended for the month (sorry, Keith*) so it seems suspicious. Perhaps I'm not drinking enough water. And my joints ache in weird places. I mean....does this spell terminal disease? No. It doesn't.

Being back in a work routine is nice. It certainly takes my mind off the bigger issues like Being Crazy and Being Neurotic and Inflicting My Crazy Neuroses On People Who Don't Realize It's Too Late For Their Timely Escape.

I'm still learning the ropes of the new gig, naturally, and it all seems pretty simple. I REALLY don't wanna screw it up. But I also REALLY wanna check my email sometimes. Right? I think the big main boss man comes back tomorrow. Nervy about that. Hope I don't trip. Feck.

Oh! Oh! AND. Did anyone see Oprah yesterday? Because it was about teens. And it was moving. And I actually stayed up to watch it on the tivo last night and cried like a little tiny baby. It was moving. Fuh rilz.

So I'm considering venturing out of my comfort zone and making plans with someone that I kinda don't wanna make plans with only for fear it will mess up other stuff in my life. But doesn't that just seem like crazytown? Make the plans, right? Let stuff get messed up, right?

My womb hurts.

*It dawned on me, Keith, that besides my friend Ian (hi, Ian), you're the only boy I know of who reads this blog but doesn't necessarily want to hear about my menstrual cycle. Now, that statement implies that there are boys who read this blog who want to hear about my menstrual cycle. And I would argue that,yes, there are. Clayton. That said, I just don't want to upset your delicate sensibilites. Or give you any further insight into issues relating to my womb than you already received last night. WHEN WE DID AN IMPROV SCENE ABOUT GETTING PREGNANT, PEOPLE! God, you guys are sickos.

Got the camera to do its thang..phewww

Okay, now it's really 2007, I swear.

I stole this from my friend Sarah's blog. I hope she won't mind.

1. What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before?
Spent an evening in jail.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't know if I had any resolutions last year, but if I did they were likely not kept.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
My good friend's sister, but that doesn't totally count because it's not my sister, and I've never met the baby.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No, thank god. I have been so blessed in that respect.

5. What countries did you visit?
None!

6. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?
More self-discipline in the form of making decisions that serve my body and mind positively.

7. What dates from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Feb. 14 because the roommie and I were arrested and October 12 because I was fired. I hope to improve these stats in 2007.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Completing 4 out of 5 levels of improv classes, HST's constant awesomeness, maintaining a 100 pound weight loss, despite lots of obstacles in the form of cookies and cakes.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Getting fired from my job for making a horrible error in judgment. Not accepting soon enough that it's okay to ask for help and admit to struggle.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Nope.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
My ipod. Which has since gone missing. Do you have it? Please return it to me, no questions asked. I'll be buying a new one with my tax refund. Roar.

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
My friends for being awesome when I got fired, financially and otherwise. My mom for being normal when I got fired. My grandma for being the opposite of her usual self when I got fired. My roommate for paying my rent for the months I was without work.

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
Someone at my old job, an ex-boyfriend...but nothing so serious that I actually cared. Let it be, I say.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Bills, partying, cab rides.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
HST, improv, when my cat's drain got removed from his back.

16. What song will always remind you of 2006?
That one with the lyrics, "So you had a bad day.." and the other one that goes, "I'm obsessin' just because you know mah naaame." Not because of the lyrics, though. Just because I heard them a lot.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? happier. the circumstances of my reality might not be a lot better (or worse, for that matter) but my perspective on them is. i'm learning to be content with exactly what is. and to see the realities in my life as extensions of the choices i make. i'm not a victim, i'm a volunteer.
b) thinner or fatter? slightly fatter. like three pounds fatter. fine.
c) richer or poorer? poorer. sad.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Gone to therapy, exercised healthier behaviors in body and mind.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Spending money I didn't have, lying, obsessing, smoking, crying in the bathroom at my old job.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
Spent it. At Grandma's. It was just fine. Lovely, even.

21. How will you be spending New Years?
Spent it. At a friend's. On the couch. Was fine. Lovely, even.

22. Did you fall in love in 2006?
No. I can't say I did.

23. How many one-night stands?
None. Puleeze.

24. What was your favorite TV program?
I probably watched more Dr. Phil than anything, but as far as TV goes, this wasn't a banner year for me. Scrubs made an appearance near the end of the year. I heart Zach Braff.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Nah. Plus, why hate. Or, if I hate them now, I hated them then too.

26. What was the best book you read?
A Million Little Pieces.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
My ipod. Which has since gone missing.

28. What did you want and get?
An ipod. Which has since gone missing. And a digital camera. And a new job before the year ended. And a nice winter coat that isn't as long as that other huge coat who's zipper is broken anyway. New glasses! Thanks, Mom.

29. What did you want and not get?
Another ipod. Another cat. A new apartment. A million dollars. A new apartment. Several pairs of new shoes.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Hmm, I enjoyed The Departed. I can't even think of what else I saw. Oh, I also loved The Devil Wears Prada. I saw that in the theater on a Monday afternoon at 5pm by myself. Oh and just under the wire, viewed on December 29, Come Fly With Me, about Michael Jordan.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 26. I had an improv class and later that week, a night out with friends. Twas fine. Nothing special.

32.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
A nicer apartment combined with more financial security.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?
Ha. THIS fits me?? Cool! Does it come in black? Oh, I can't afford it? Okay, I'll just wear these 8 shirts over and over.

34. What kept you sane?
Improv, new friends, old friends, HST, my CAAAAAAAAAT.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I won't lie, I always follow Britney. And she announced her split from K-Fed on my birthday this year. And I'm strangely drawn to Angelina and Brad, probably because he looks like my Uncle Gil. I definitely have a thing for Ricky Gervais, though. Oh and that Lebron James. Mmmmmmm...

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Well the hanging is fresh in my mind, so I'll say that.

37. Who did you miss?
Stephanie. Sometimes Steve, though I reconnected with him in December. Clayton until he came back from Hawaii.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
Sarah, Steve, Keith, lots of pitizens.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006:
You control your own destiny through the choices you make each day, no matter how mundane some of them might seem. You can only make account withdrawls against your life for so long before you have to put something back into the bank. So if you want something different for tomorrow, make a different choice today.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
So you had a bad day...

Cautious Optimism

Good day. I'm sitting at my new job. There's still the pesky business of my officially meeting the man who I'll be assisting, though we spoke on the phone for the first time this morning. He won't be in the office until Thursday or Friday, which means, if he hates me, I'm out on the curb.

But he won't. I'm adorable. Plus, I have Irish eyes. (And he's Irish. Duh.)

I woke up this morning feeling the opposite of dread, which is nice. It's been a while since I've been in a regular work-a-day routine and the last time I was in a regular work-a-day routine, I had been in that routine for a year and a half and it was just about sucking my blood dry. It's very nice to have a fresh start with new faces and new tasks and new responsibilities which can be put off in the interest of surfing the web!

Nah, I'm gonna be all over this job, on task, on point, on top. I haven't quite begun yet, but I'm just getting my sea legs, as it were. I have a few reservations to make, some calendars to update, some voicemails to see about. It all seems pretty simple. I will be nervous, naturally, once the man finally arrives and is a fixture in the office, but I'm sure I'll get used to that too.

I woke up this morning feeling the opposite of dread, perhaps I was even feeling some excitement. I'm grateful for the opportunity to start fresh with this new year.

I spent the last year doing a lot of instant gratification type stuff. 2006 was a year of being a kid for me. I spent a lot of my late teens/early twenties in a really difficult place, emotionally. And let's not forget the crippling weight gain. I never really participated in the drinking, the sexing, the partying. I never felt good enough about myself to think I deserved to have a mindless good time. So I got thin and spent 2006 partying. I became more of a regular social drinker this year, I went out more often, I smooched more often, I became the 21 year old I never got to be. Except I'm 26. So it made my joints ache more.

I'm comfortable now, I think, letting go of some of that. I still want to have a good time, but I don't feel like I need to go out and get ridiculous. It was a fun year, 2006, but it definitely took it's toll on my body and mind. I gained some weight, only a few pounds, but still. I lost my job. I spent more money than I had to spend. I definitely didn't smoke less, if anything I smoked more. I reentered therapy after realizing I wasn't ready to leave it. I had some boy drama. I had some ex-boy drama. I even had some cat drama. So 2006 was sort of a debaucherous year and I can't help but think that my hedonism impacted things I never thought it would. It was a fun year. It was a party year. It was a hard year. It was a year of testing and learning about my limits. And perhaps, hopefully, it was a year that has inspired me to set some new limits.

I'm excited, today, about being a responsible employee, about relearning a work ethic I lost for a while, about exercising and eating right because it makes me feel so good, about going home tonight after my improv class and going to sleep at a reasonable hour without doing lots of extra stuff. I'm excited, mostly, about recognizing that this silly anxiety that I've felt my whole life, this need to check-in and make sure the categories of my life all feel in place at all times, is just that: silly. And that if I breathe and relax and quit worrying all the time, I might give myself the room to make some good decisions n stuff.

Oh and I got a new camera. Lemme try to....hmph....hold on...grrr....I'll try to....damn you blogger! Hmph...okay....gimme a minute...i'll be back....grrrrr...

2007

January 1. It's officially 2007.

I did absolutely nothing for the new year, rang it in with a good friend, sitting on a couch, watching dick clark. We had some wine and some beer and some fried chicken. I did a few sudoku. Sudokus? Is that the plural? Or is it like deer. I did a few deer.

Anyway. The holidays were fine, they've come, they've gone, I'm eager to get my groove back in 2007. There are a few key things which need my attention.

I'm grateful for/curious about starting my brand new job tomorrow. I had a couple days of "training" before the holidays, but the real solo gig starts tomorrow morning at 9am sharp. It's already 6pm! Where the fuck....

I sorta can't believe this vacation week is over. Tomorrow night I'll go to improv class, Thursday night I have a show, Saturday night I have a show, things will be back to normal.

With the opportunity for renewal and refreshment on my plate, I'm eager to refocus on some healthy eating and some good, solid exercise. I'm eager to refocus on some self-improvement stuff like smoking less and honoring my body and mind more often. I'm eager to work on my new year's resolution of telling the truth more often. I'm eager to spend more time at home, in a clean room, with a happy cat. I'm eager to spend a LOT less time obsessing about certain stuff and letting go about other stuff and making good decisions by honoring the things I value.

Happy New Year. I prefer to be unceremonious about these things.

Bound

After missing my flight yesterday, waiting in a 3 hour line to reschedule it, a nice gentleman behind the counter giving me the Christmas gift of not charging me the extra billion dollars to change the flight, dropping a $50 bill in the bank that someone walked off with two seconds after it hit the floor, buying my mom an awesome gift that she'll love but leaving it at a friend's house and not having enough time to go get it before I fly out today, and seeing a horrible movie last night that was a huge waste of 2.75 hours of my life...I'M FINALLY HOMEWARD BOUND!!!!!

I fly out at 3:10. I'll leave for the airport in about an hour, maybe less. We'll get to my grandparents house in Quincy by 10pm, all together too late for an appropriate Christmas Eve. (We put the tree up on Christmas Eve in my family, since "Santa" brings the tree, as far as the kiddies are concerned.) But, I'm not gonna complain. Everything happens as it happens and as the Tao says, we have to learn to be satisfied with things exactly as they are. That's right, Tao, good advice.

So it will be a bit of an unorthodox Christmas Eve, but I'm going home, I'll be with my mom and my loving family, and then I'll be back in New York before I know it.

It's a beautiful day today. I'm sort of looking forward to going home, I guess. I wasn't before. But now I am.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go to the store to buy some gifts. Ahem.

Book It

I booked it. I got the job. Sweet. The temp agency woman says that I'm going in on Thursday and Friday of this week so they can try me out (I was in this same office on Friday, but temping for a different position) and if it goes well, I will return on January 2, after the holiday week off. So, I've basically got the gig. I'm quite quite pleased at this development. I won't adore working there, I don't think, but I will definitely live through it and that's all that matterz. Plus, money. Oh sweet, sweet delicious money. How I've missed you. I will never take you for granted again and our new life together will be better than you could have ever dreamed.

Only a few short days until I board a plane home to Chicago. Ooof. How did what was once awesome holiday time with my loving family turn into something that seems more like a chore? I love them all, it will be nice to see them and be together under one roof. But as I get older, it gets harder to stay patient and calm. I take LOTS of jogs outside when I'm there. It's the only way to get away. I don't have a drivers license.

Life is getting better every day. I won't go so far as to say things are perfect, but I feel a lot happier than I did a week ago. Work = got the job, therapy = back at it, holidays = in full swing and I think I'll survive yet another year, sketch comedy = awesome as always and we have 3 weeks off until our next show..oh yeaaaaahhhh, relationships = I'm feelin pretty good about stuff, which is a welcome surprise, healthy lifestyle = could always use improvment (she writes, as she checks the clock to see if she's going to be late for another holiday party complete with free beer and free food) but is as stable as it can be this time of year.

Oh yeah, and I have the world's cutest cat waiting at home for me every night. Sorry, but that wins.

:)

And WE'RE BACK...sorta.

Yo. Great news. I'm sitting at a JOB right now!!!! WAHOOOO.

Now, first thing's first...this isn't a real job just yet. I'm just temping today for the front desk person. However, it's at an organization where, most likely, I'll be employed full time starting next week sometime. They need someone until April to be the executive assistant to the CEO. My temp agency lady, who sent me on the round of interviews I had here last week, thinks they're gonna hire me because they really liked me best and because they asked to have me in today to temp the front desk gig...probably as a "trial." Sweet. So, fingers crossed, I'll be fully employed before Christmas. If this doesn't work out, I might give away all my worldly possessions and look into nomadism.

Things are on the up and up, methinks. I started back at therapy yesterday which is essential. The session was good and hard and that's why I go. It's also insta-perspective to sit there even for a mere 45 minutes. I heard myself saying stuff I've been saying for weeks, but suddenly when I said it to her, in that room, on that couch, it sounded totally different.

Being back in the workforce (I've been covering sporadic evening and weekend shifts at a theater I used to work at, but today is the first 9-5 deal I've had in two months.) is surprisingly refreshing. Having a job is a privilege. I see that now. My grandfather would be thrilled to hear me say that. It just felt really super to wake up this morning, even though it was early, even though I was sleepy, and know that I was gonna get some coffee, get on the train, go sit in an office, and get paid money in exchange for completing tasks. It's mechanically so simple, but delightful all at once.

I was able to write out a budget last night and soon I'll be able to make some payments I was really stressing about making. I'm pretty sure that Jobless 2006 is about to end. Two months was pretty much all I could handle. I feel like I'm being released back into civilized society with a new perspective on the choices I make and how they impact the things I want.

Plus, maybe I'll start taking some anti-depressant/anti-anxiety meds soon, right? Why not. :)

Fear

The thing about fear is, you can't let it dictate your life. I mean, it's such a simple concept, but one that everyone should work to constantly practice. I certainly don't want to live a fearful life.

I've realized recently that something in my life that's very important to me is also something I've been moving around in, based on fear. I can't keep doing that. I want to have full experiences, not half-versions of full experiences.

Sometimes we have to make really hard decisions when we realize that something is not enough. I've never been terribly good at that....at walking away from something that wasn't enough, in favor of finding something better. But I'm getting better at it and I intend to keep getting better at it.

I think I'm gonna go back to therapy this week, after several weeks off because I couldn't afford it. It's gonna feel like taking a deep breath.

I mean, did you know?

Sometimes we write stuff here:

www.harvardsailingteam.com/blog

Funny. Trustme.

zzzzzzzz

(Remember when I used to post photos on this damn blog? Those were the days. Apparently I might be getting a digital camera for la navidad from la madre. So GET READY. My cat's gonna be so overphotographed and overexposed, I'm gonna be rich.)

So I had a sketch show on Wednesday night, an improv show last night, and I have another sketch show on Saturday. That leaves tonight. I think I'll sit around.

I didn't sleep at home last night so I woke up earlier than usual and dammit if this might not be the key to getting back to a normal sleep schedule. As in, what if I started getting up before noon? Who's with me? Maybe I'll be tired enough to fall asleep at a human hour tonight. This rocks.

I feel like things are about to get busy, but things have generally been busy. Bring snacks.

You mean I gotta update this thing?

Oh blog-o-sphere.

I'm watching "Last Comic Standing" on Bravo. Soon, I will go to the gym. For those of you who don't know, I like to exercise. Thanks.

Whatelsewhatelsewhatelse. I know! I'll do a breakdown. BREAKDOOOOOOOWN!

These will be the categories....and I'm just making them up as I go, so who knows what I'll write! Omgosh the excitement.

Work
Health
Relationships
Friendships
Family
Home
Recreation

Also, I'm a dork.

Okay, here goes:

Work: I don't have a job. I can't wait to have a job. I want a job. I hope I get this job I'm being considered for. The second I get a job a huge weight will be lifted. I need to start looking for more jobs in anticipation of not getting this other job. Jobs. The word has lost all meaning. I've started covering sporadic shifts at a box office I used to work at in college and it's fun. Work = makes you feel like a person. Sporadic shifts = the illusion of an income where there really is no income.

Health: I have it. Good. I've been cooking a lot. (Me!) I don't eat things with high fructose corn syrup in them anymore. Never beeeen so healthy, I'd say. Hmph. Plus, the exercise. Toot!

Relationships: Oh boys. I love you all.

Friendships: Thank GOD. Am i right?

Family: I love you. But just stay in the midwest, kay?

Home: God this place is a pit. But Dan bought a new toilet seat cover. Does it get better?

Recreation: Sketch and improv! Oh it's all going so well I feel like someone should pinch me. It's really cool that I've found a niche like this.

Thanks. Bye.

This particular Thursday.

I'm home. In Chicago. I'm currently across town from my mom's house, at my Aunt Lisa and Uncle Kel's house, which sits on a cul-de-sac in typical midwestern fashion. Apparently some show called "Ugly Betty" is on in ten minutes and apparently some of us will be watching it. About 30 people (and one little baby) were in and out of this house today to celebrate the holiday. My Aunt Lisa's sisters and brothers and their wives and husbands and their kids have made a tradition in the last few years of flying into town for my Aunt Lisa's awesome Thanksgiving dinner, and my Uncle Kel's syblings (my mother is one of them) and parents (my grandparents) and all of us grandkids try to make it every year too. I have flown in from New York for the last seven or eight years to be here with my huge family, if only for a couple days. I love them all very much.

It ends up being an incredibly roudy time. The men get quite drunk, the women get quite tipsy, everyone gets loud, the kids get older and wiser every year and sit around and discuss how perspectives shift as we age. My cousin Trisha just got engaged to her boyfriend, who I met for the first time today. He's awesome. I approve. I'm a bridesmaid in the wedding. We're all getting older.

Now that it's almost 7pm (and dinner was at 2pm - and drinks have been flowing from 12noon to the present), there's a game of poker going on upstairs in the kitchen, some girlie chatter going on in the upstairs living room, a crazy old lady talking nonsense to a passionate middle aged man in the den, some people napping, some people laying on the floor in front of the fire, Mallory's reading a magazine, and I'm sitting here updating the ol' blog. How could you have it any other way.

Every year I dread the extra effort and inconvenience of two plane rides in three days and the predictable hellos and how are yous and the promises that we'll see each other in a few weeks at Christmas, and every year I end up feeling so incredibly blessed and lucky and grateful and glad to come from such hearty, happy, intelligent, lively stock who are all able to be here each year. I'm a lucky young lady.

In the car on the way home from the airport this morning I had to tell my grandmother that I got fired from my job. She didn't know yet. I was expecting her to be devastated as she concerns herself greatly with the details of my life. I wasn't looking forward to the conversation, but it ended up going quite smoothly. She's really mellowed out in her old age. Naturally, my mother told me later that my grandmother was fighting back tears in the front seat of the car, but I didn't notice at the time, so that's that.

At present, three people under 50 are giving an 82 year old woman a hard time about her new boyfriend, Clyde. Oh man, oh man.

I can't wait to get back to New York to my loving friends and my lovely life. But in the meantime, I'll do some relaxing, some shopping, some family bonding. And hopefully Grandma will slip me a few twenties before I go to the airport. :)

My BACK

I helped my good friends, Clayton and Carla, move yesterday and they didn't have a TON of stuff so we decided that just the three of us would provide plenty of man-power. We got it all done in a relatively short amount of time, but dammit if my whole entire body doesn't wanna kill all of you. Sorry.

It was fun, though, to be all super physical for a few hours, which apparently really takes your mind off everything else except for "OhmygodIthinkmythighsfelloffbackthere!" and my friend Carla gave me a really really nice and thoughtful gift at the end of the day for helping them. Their new apartment is gorgeous (if not up three flights of stairs - mythighs!) and we all earned the two cans of Bud Light that we downed when it was over. Then I went over to another friend's house who was cooking dinner when I walked in the door and it smelled like a home. We ate and chatted and hung out and he has too much left over Halloween candy. A lovely day, frankly.

I'm feeling a lot better than I was over the weekend. I think a weekend of partying due to a birthday, although great fun, can really make you feel like a loser when you don't have a job to back it all up with.

BUT, I signed up at a temp place yesterday and I have another interview tomorrow and I feel like things might start coming together soon. Awesome. I'd love to have something permanent before Thanksgiving so my grandmother doesn't keel over when I tell her I left my last job.

Pretty sure that lady's gon' keel over. She loved my last job. I think she's gonna be pissed. Needless to add, I haven't told her yet.

Today!: exercise, grocery shop, rehearse, watch comedy.

I've been sleeping in WAY too late. I got home at 4am last night. Q Train, you are my nemesis.

Things are on the up and up, people. It turns out, if you just shut up about it, you start to feel bettah. Hmph.

Anyone wanna watch The Little Mermaid with me? I got the DVD version for my b-day. Colorful!

Alright, Fuck.

I'm pretty sure I'm depressed. Smoking, drinking, doing nothing...these are all pretty good indicators that I'm wallowing in some self pity, some I don't wanna, and some this is really boring.

I haven't had a job in a month. I'm pretty sure that, barring any major obstacles that should arise, I'll be getting up a reasonable time of the morning tomorrow, putting on some nice clothes, and going to meet with a temp agency woman. I need to start doing something with my day time. My birthday is over, the party is over, the Weekend Of Shows that I've been anticipating for a while now is over and I need to fucking pull up my boot straps and shut the fuck up about it.

I seriously MISS having a semblance of a real life. Because as much as doing nothing all the time is rather freeing and as much as you realize, DANG that job thing took up a whole lotta time, those feelings wear off pretty quickly and you end up getting real used to sitting around all day, waiting for your friends to get off work. And you end up getting real used to hating it. I miss being super busy and not being able to stop to think about whatever the fuck I want to whenever the fuck I want to.

The worst part of feeling blue like this is that the little things people do that usually wouldn't bother you at all, or usually would roll right off your back, are the things that make you feel like shit for 12 hours straight. And that's just completely unfair to everyone. Especially your loving happy friends who have lives that don't revolve around you.

I NEED A FUCKING JOB.

Omg i need a goddammed job.