Cautious Optimism

Good day. I'm sitting at my new job. There's still the pesky business of my officially meeting the man who I'll be assisting, though we spoke on the phone for the first time this morning. He won't be in the office until Thursday or Friday, which means, if he hates me, I'm out on the curb.

But he won't. I'm adorable. Plus, I have Irish eyes. (And he's Irish. Duh.)

I woke up this morning feeling the opposite of dread, which is nice. It's been a while since I've been in a regular work-a-day routine and the last time I was in a regular work-a-day routine, I had been in that routine for a year and a half and it was just about sucking my blood dry. It's very nice to have a fresh start with new faces and new tasks and new responsibilities which can be put off in the interest of surfing the web!

Nah, I'm gonna be all over this job, on task, on point, on top. I haven't quite begun yet, but I'm just getting my sea legs, as it were. I have a few reservations to make, some calendars to update, some voicemails to see about. It all seems pretty simple. I will be nervous, naturally, once the man finally arrives and is a fixture in the office, but I'm sure I'll get used to that too.

I woke up this morning feeling the opposite of dread, perhaps I was even feeling some excitement. I'm grateful for the opportunity to start fresh with this new year.

I spent the last year doing a lot of instant gratification type stuff. 2006 was a year of being a kid for me. I spent a lot of my late teens/early twenties in a really difficult place, emotionally. And let's not forget the crippling weight gain. I never really participated in the drinking, the sexing, the partying. I never felt good enough about myself to think I deserved to have a mindless good time. So I got thin and spent 2006 partying. I became more of a regular social drinker this year, I went out more often, I smooched more often, I became the 21 year old I never got to be. Except I'm 26. So it made my joints ache more.

I'm comfortable now, I think, letting go of some of that. I still want to have a good time, but I don't feel like I need to go out and get ridiculous. It was a fun year, 2006, but it definitely took it's toll on my body and mind. I gained some weight, only a few pounds, but still. I lost my job. I spent more money than I had to spend. I definitely didn't smoke less, if anything I smoked more. I reentered therapy after realizing I wasn't ready to leave it. I had some boy drama. I had some ex-boy drama. I even had some cat drama. So 2006 was sort of a debaucherous year and I can't help but think that my hedonism impacted things I never thought it would. It was a fun year. It was a party year. It was a hard year. It was a year of testing and learning about my limits. And perhaps, hopefully, it was a year that has inspired me to set some new limits.

I'm excited, today, about being a responsible employee, about relearning a work ethic I lost for a while, about exercising and eating right because it makes me feel so good, about going home tonight after my improv class and going to sleep at a reasonable hour without doing lots of extra stuff. I'm excited, mostly, about recognizing that this silly anxiety that I've felt my whole life, this need to check-in and make sure the categories of my life all feel in place at all times, is just that: silly. And that if I breathe and relax and quit worrying all the time, I might give myself the room to make some good decisions n stuff.

Oh and I got a new camera. Lemme try to....hmph....hold on...grrr....I'll try to....damn you blogger! Hmph...okay....gimme a minute...i'll be back....grrrrr...