Comedians, all of us...

...even the photog.

Dear Mom,

Don't open mail that comes to your house for me. I know I haven't lived there in almost ten years, but you can still just as easily drop the UNOPENED envelope into the mail and send it to me in New York and save yourself the agony of wondering what this bill means, which I know is keeping you up at night, you goose. Seriously. Don't open it. It's a federal offense. And I don't know why they still have your address.

I love you.

Love,
Your daughter who has a different relationship with money than the one you wish she had but she's a grown woman and it's no longer your concern.

p.s. Note to self: Call and have that mailing address changed, asap.

I guess I don't really know how to use macs.

How the hell do you right click on something? I'd so be posting an hilarious photo right now (because Keith is a wizard) if I could just figure out how to save the bugger onto the ol' desktop. Alas.

Sooooo I'm temping at the new gig. Not bad atall. In fact, we worked some yesterday but today has been DEAD - something about some files not being ready or whatever. I'm making nice bank for this bullshit. And everyone comes in super late every day. I suppose I shouldn't knock it. This is a wonderful institution and I hope to be taking advantage of their lack of organization and office-hours-as-gentle-guideline-or-suggestion for weeks to come.

I'm trying to be good, lately. That means a buncha stuff. But just interpret as you'd like.

We had Thai last night in Park Slope. And I picked up a piece of the garlic shrimp that I'd already eaten most of and pressed it between my fingers, trying to squeeze the last little bit of shrimpy yum yum out of its tail before I cast it aside. And like a scene right out of Pretty Woman, that little shit shrimp tail popped right out of my fingers and flew several feet into the air, hitting the woman next to me. Yikes. And we'd JUST been talking about how I'm a clutz and a risk taker. Whatever. I like to do stuff fast and without thought. Everybody should! ;)

Here's the main thing...and I think about this probably once a day: any single one of us could die at any moment...any FUCKING MOMENT. In an instant. And that's the saddest thing I can imagine. Because we sure spend a lot of time complaining about our jobs and our social dramas and our landlords and the subway. So silly.

Not sure exactly why but today's a pretty good day.

Despite the rotten rainy blech blech outside, this day is a pretty good one. I'm not sure why, but I'll take it! Right?

1.) Sarah's a wonderful person and she referred me to a posting she saw about a temp assignment starting soon. I applied last week, I interviewed today, and I booked it before I left their building. I start on Monday. Nice. It's only for a couple weeks, but they want me for a more permanent position - it almost sounds like I just have to say yay or nay and the fulltime gig is mine! Hi, health insurance? You taste yummy. But we'll see. I want to focus on my comedy stuff, so we'll see....The temp portion pays pretty well and I have another gig lined up for the week after this one ends. As Sarah said to me yesterday, "There's plenty of work to be had in this town." Agreed. (Sadly, I might have to do a bit of fibbing to be able to take both temp jobs, as one might end up overlapping with the other...but when has that stopped me.)

2.) Look! We put up new videos! Oh they're funny stuff. Kevin really helped us out by having his guys do editing and sound stuff on these new videos, so they look awesome.

3.) I think I'm finding that life, this year anyway, is a lot about balancing the personalities of a bunch of different people at one time. Social environments are all around us and interacting with others is part of the job description. Everyone's different. Some people have the same world view as you, some have the exact opposite, some aren't even working within the same operating system. It's easy to get furious. It's worth it to get zen. I'll let you know when I finally finish the magic elixir that solves this bugger of a challenge.

4.) Waking up this morning was niiiice. It was all rainy out and I was all warm. I've always liked Thursdays. Always. When I was a kid I had day of the week underpants and Thursdays were the best pair. They had dark lilac colored hearts on them. Excuse me, but that's basically my idea of perfect panties.

5.) I had a nice time at the bar last night, left at a reasonable hour, and wasn't drunk at all. Sweet.

6.) I love my friends. They are all really wonderful, smart, funny, loving people.*

* No, I have not recently taken any ectasy. Can't I just be manically jovial? ;)

plus!

This is so cool of him!

coming out

1. I'm seeing someone. There. Now you all know. Surprise!

2. My boss at my temp job, which ends on Friday, just told me he's been unhappy with my work the entire time I've been here. He said that it doesn't matter now because my (and his) last day is Friday, but he thinks that telling me is a respectful gesture toward me..... It didn't feel that respectful. But okay. He said, "You operate in a different world than I do." Yup. I think I'm gonna embrace that and take it as a compliment.

3. I sometimes have a lot of nagging guilt about things that I can't control...and guilt about things I can control...and that reminds me that my cat hasn't eaten breakfast yet and it's 11:40am. Shit.

4. I plan to exercise tonight. I don't want to exercise tonight. I still plan to.

5. I'm not cut out for office work.

bits

I kinda hate that last post now. It was a bit grouchy. But I'm not gonna take it down because then it's like I'm being a chicken. I'M NOT A CHICKEN YOU JERKS.

Ahem.

Okay, so hiiiiiii. I'm working at my OLD job today. I used to work at a music law firm - about a year and a half ago - and I'm back here today filling in for someone who's out. It's cool to be back in the same environment that was my day-to-day reality almost two years ago. Sort of a rare experience, really. And a lot has changed in these last two years, all for the better, really. It's very cool to be able to check back in in this way. And I have some nice memories of awesome stuff that started in my life when I was at this job, stuff that's still around now in bigger and better ways. I joined Harvard Sailing Team when I was at this job. A lot has happened since then.

I'm looking forward to the nice relaxing weekend. A birthday tonight, a show tomorrow night, and then Sunday = nothing at alllll. Easter Sunday and I think I'll just lay low and do easy breezy stuff with somebody I like. :o)

Sometimes women are scary and mean when you don't know them personally and you talk to them on the internet.

But, why?

I have a hard time choosing salad dressing so this is progress.

With the help of my therapist and a couple good friends who are always willing to supportively nod while I drone on - I've decided to keep temping after this long-term assignment ends at the end of next week.

Now, despite the obvious points such as there's no health insurance in temping, and very little money, and quite literally no job stability, this isn't the poor decision it might look like on paper.

I'm not sure how to explain it as succinctly as I want to, especially for the critics (mom), but the bottom line is this: I'm doing what I love with the ol' sketch and the ol' improv. And there might actually be a time in the not-so-distant future when that becomes more lucrative than it's been. (And by "more lucrative" I mean "at all lucrative.") So if the possibility of getting paid to do what I love is actually on the horizon, who on EARTH am I to not chase after that with a little more pizazz. In this case, pizazz will take the form of nicer head shots, and continuing to temp because of the flexibility/low-commitment-level it provides, and looking to a freelancers' organization for some health insurance. There's more to it all, from a psychological perspective and from a personal-history perspective, but I won't go into that now. Basically, I've been doing this performance stuff just-for-fun for the last two years and maybe now I want to do it just-for-fun-and-cash. I mean, I went to school for it! So, c'mere little degree, let's play make believe.

Whatever. It made sense yesterday over burritos.

It's good news. :)

Harvard Sailing Team

Sometimes we do some sketch comedy. Sometimes we put it on a stage. Sometimes we film it with sets and costumes. Sometimes we use guns. Don't worry, they aren't real.

On the right!

My BFF Billy has a new comic on the web. It's called The Librarianist, I linked it on the right, and it's really hilarious. Billy writes the comics and his friend Tim draws them. Go check out their site for a laff. And be their myspace friend - if you DARE.

Hang in there.

Okay. I'm gonna blog about dieting now. Leave the room before it gets ugly.

I used to write a diet blog - or - a weight loss blog. If you don't know, which you probably do, I lost 100 pounds. Great. Near the end of that process, I started writing about it, and that went on for about a year. I don't think I'm gonna link that sucker here - if you know it, you know it. If you don't, call me, I'll pay you $500 not to go read it.

I'm kidding, I'm not at all ashamed of it. But I don't write it anymore. I sort of grew away from it. It was a daily reguritation of a lot of the un-finer points of being a woman who was obsessively watching her weight. I'm not knockin' the diet blog. Many a diet blog got me through many a diet emergency. And there are many a diet blog that start out as a diet blog and morph into something much more meaningful and meaty. I needed to quit writing mine. And in general, I don't like to dissect my healthy living habits as much as I used to. I guess after four years of fairly shrude weight loss effort, I needed to pretend like I didn't even know the language for a little while. I wanted to feel 100% normal, not like a recovering fat-a-holic. So I relaxed my rules a bit, I guess, and did so for about a year.

And it was a great year.

Anyway, I was more relaxed about my habits than I had been since I began my weight loss journey and therefore, that year saw the return of about ten pounds. That'll happen. And I'm gonna get it back off. But that means that I have to return to a world of shruder dieting and attending meetings and counting and detailing and being a little more nuts than how I ultimately want to live my life. It works to get the weight off even if I don't want to be doing it forever.

So I've most recently been back on this bandwagon for three weeks now, full force, and it's moving along reasonably well. But I'm really having to hang in there sometimes. Sometimes it's TOUGH. Especially when the people closest to you love to eat. And yesterday was not a good food day. And tonight I'll spend my sorrow at the gym. And I won't eat the cookie in my drawer until later because I just finished lunch and I'm not hungry dammit.

Sometimes inforcing those kinds of rules and restrictions is the only way to achieve the goal.

Losing 100 pounds was the most transformative experience I've ever had. I'm sure that goes without saying. And I still work every day on retraining my brain to create a healthy body.

I'm gonna have some coffee.

easily

I could easily eat everything they've ever made to eat ever.



RARARARARARAAAAAAAR. < That's me being ravenous and insatiable. Here's an incomplete list of everything I want:

pizza
cookies
cakes
pies
candies
brownies
nachos
doritos
doritos of any kind
chips of any kind
noodles
noodles with sauce
noodles with oil
noodles with oil, sausage, pepper and onion
steak
steak with sauce
steak frites
a burger
a cheeseburger
CHILI FRIES
CHILI CHEESE FRIES
fried dough of any kind
a tuna melt
a panini
A MILKSHAKE
chips of any kind
brownies
nachos
mexican food, all types

Thanks.

So I can't sleep on that side.

My cat aggressively bit my ear on Sunday morning when I picked him up to say hello. It hurt so much, he held on for so long, that I flung his humongous body off my head as soon as I could regain control of the situation (human = I'm in charge....test me again you little fucker...), slammed the bedroom door in his face, and proceeded to burst into tears. It. HURT. Plus he's my loving kitty baby so this was shocking and emotional.

I'm not sure if my panicking caused him to bite me more than the playful ear nibbles he usually doles out. My ears were cold because I'd just been outside so when he started to nibble I freaked out. So maybe I actually made it worse by grabbing his muzzle. Maybe I actually helped apply some of the pressure myself. But I'm pretty sure it wasn't my fault. I'm pretty sure I actually had to PULL his HEAD off my HEAD. Death defying.

He broke skin in two places and it bled for a while. Now it's infected, despite my efforts to the contrary, and it's all red and tender and hot to the touch and is killing me. I'm popping advil and using neosporin with pain relief which is my new favorite cream substance. Take the pain away, topical analgesic. Take it away. So that was traumatic for everyone and the little bean apologized later with some light mewing and a few kisses and licks on my hands and face. Too little too late, Beelzebub.

Tonight will be low key. I'll go to the gym after work and then I'll go home and spend some time with my cat. I get it, Floyd. But next time, use your words.

(So what. It's dramatic for affect. Because I'm dramatic. For affect.)

CAN'T I JUST BE?!

You knowwwwww, I have spent many years of my life working to improve my quality of life. And it's not just for me. IT'S NOT JUST FOR ME. Ahem. It's not just for me. It's for everyone. Because when I'm being well and acting well and living well, the people around me aren't subjected to any negativity or toxicity. It's TERRIBLE to subject the people around you to your own unresolvedness.

And I have also spent many years coming to terms with the fact that I can wish until I'm blueish-purple that everyone would abide by this logic. But wishing that will never make it true. We're all wired differently. Makes us individuals, is beautiful about the human race, blah fuck blah.

Today feels like high school to me. I just wanna lay down. And you know what else? I just wanna be MAD. Can't I just be mad?! Can't I just get mad and pout about it and NOT be consolable or logical or benefit-of-the-doubt-ful? When I was fat and depressed and a complete mentalmesscase, being sad and feeling crappy felt safe and familiar to me. I so rarely give those feelings room to set up camp in my body these days, but I wonder if I sometimes don't miss that inconsolable thang. It served me for a time, certainly. (Then it got boring for me and, worse, challenging for everyone who wanted my wellness and that behavior's just a goddammed energy suck if ever there was one.)

I am always trying to take the higher road. Today, I wanna get down into the nitty and the gritty and roll around in the mud with the pigs and kick some fuckin dirt up into somebody's face. I'm tired of being level-headed and dignified. Today I just wanna be pissed off.

Just kidding. It's nice out.

...........

We shot some photos for our improv team's postcard. They're prittee pritteeeee hilarious.

I'm blah. I'm doing too much instant gratification stuff and not enough real life stuff. Plus, bored. So silly. I'm busy and I'm bored. I'm leaving work early today to go to Ikea with Daniel. It's a covert cut-out-of-work operation that will probably make me feel sick to my stomach at 9am tomorrow morning when I'll discover who noticed, who didn't, who's mad and who's not. WHO CARES. I have a series of mental problems.

I'm eating well, tho, and working out, so that's excellent. And I know nice people. So that's excellent too. I'd like some peppers, onions, and meat with sauce. Philly, anyone?

Forget what I said about vacation...

I went away! I went AWAAAAY! For a mini break! Over the weekend!!!! It was WONDERFUL and I feel refreshed and renewed and happy and glowy and grateful and glad. :o)

It was an awesome time and now I will commence not-eating for three days. Ding.

It's not a vacation when you're just unemployed.

I need a vacation. Nothing serious, just a little break. I know I was just out of work for two months, but that really doesn't count. I'm not crazy stressed right now or anything but things have been pretty hectic and busy and nonstop lately and I could really use a six to eight day nap, peppered in with some shopping, laying, eating, and NOT performing thankyouverymuch oh hahaha you're funny too oh hahaha BANG.

I am DESPERATE to go home after work today to shower and change and put some stuff down before improv practice. I'm also desperate to get a manicure, pedicure, and eyebrow wax. But I have a sneaking suspicion that none of this will happen today. Roar. Bob Roarman.*

*Pretty sure you're not gonna get that reference unless you're from Crystal Lake, Illinois.

If I don't have time to go home after work, I'm gonna have to go to the gym to take a shower on my way to practice. I need to shower, people. It's as simple as can be. Also, I can't wear those boots around town anymore this week. OUCH. I'm gonna throw a hissy if I hafta. I want some new shoes. Just some new cons for shows and some new boots for walking. I want a few new other things too but I can't think of what they are right now. Kevin just got a new blackberry. Hmph. I want some berries. And cool whip? And chocolate shavings? Cookies, anyone?

The most beautiful girl works here and her long luxurious hair is the envy of all my follicles.

I went to sleep at 4:30am. I woke up at 7:45am. The train ride into work, packed wall to wall with grumpy commuters, was a blast.

So what. No big deal.

Egg whites, turkey bacon, tomato slices, and one piece of american cheese on whole wheat toast, please.

Thanks.

Growing Pains (and Full House and Saved by the Bell: The College Years)

I feel like my life is somewhat foreign to me right now. It doesn't look, from the inside or the outside, like I expected it to, say, a year ago. That's not necessarily a bad thing at all, it's just a strange thing. Sometimes we find ourselves in places we never imagined we'd be. It's taking some adjustment. But I also feel supremely lucky and blessed. Plus, dingdingding!

Today is definitely a day of check-in: my routine is a little different today than it's been lately, I have therapy this evening (I've been going to therapy every other week lately, so the nights when I have it always make me reflective), and after I'm done exercising and getting my brain drained, I'll go home and chill out all by my lonesome, something I've done very little of lately. I anticipate some good tv and some early zzzzz. I'm super tired.

Part of big life changes is the fear that they won't stick or that things will change back just as you're getting used to the new stuff. Another part of big life changes is that sometimes they do stick. Maybe that's the bigger fear. Oooo....exciiiiiting. Liiiiiife. Ooooooo.

I'm tired. What the H else is new. There was some discussion of my possibly going out of town this weekend and now I might not but I was kind of excited to get the H out of Dodge and not have a care in the world for a 48 hour period. So we'll see what happens. I feel like I need a wee break from the winter? the city? my cat? Something...

See you in H.