New.

Soooo....

In an unexpected turn of events, I threw my back out.

Now, let me first start by saying that I have actually never had this happen to me before. I only know to even call it what it is because I've watched various family members and friends experience it in the past. And the moment I realized I was injured I knew exactly what it is. Thrown-out back. In the garbage, this back. No good.

Let me just backtrack and fill you in on the last few days.

I lifted on Wednesday of last week and did some new lunge thing that ended up kicking my ass (er..thighs). I blogged about it below. I was hurtin. I wasn't injured, I was just SO sore. This limping and hobbling and nursing of the completely fatigued thigh muscles went on for two days.

Friday night Kevin and I grilled out with Daniel, made the most delicious summer dinner on the grill complete with locally farmed corn on the cob, veggie kebabs, and this incredible honey mustard chicken, the marinade for which I conceived of all by my lonesome. (Bought some local honey at the farmer's market that day and didn't have anything to marinate the chicken in. Saw brown mustard in the fridge, remembered the honey, mixed them up, felt like a gourmet chef. Am not. It's the little things.)

It was a lovely night all-around, despite the fact that I consumed a bit too much white wine and a bit too many sweets after dinner. I went to sleep early on Friday night, really looking forward to the next morning when we were going to be going away for an overnight with friends.

I felt a tightness in my back when I got into bed, but I didn't think much of it - I'd been so sore for the last two days that everything hurt. I was careful not to move around too weird as I was falling asleep and figured I'd wake up in the morning feeling fine.

Not so. I woke up at 4am, intuitively, because I'd been trying to roll over for the last hour in my asleep and hadn't been able to. I was literally unable to move from the position I was in. Something in the lower left quadrant of my back was causing me excruciating pain and was not allowing me to move at all. I finally sat up, which took a good 5 minutes, and tried to stand, knowing I needed to get to the living room floor. That wasn't happening either. So I woke up Kevin. I didn't want to freak him out by acting like it was an emergency so I was very calm about it. "Honey. Wake up. I have a little problem." "Mm? What?" "I can't move. I think I threw out my back." He instantly jumped up and helped me.

The rest of the weekend was rough. I went on the damn overnight anyway, because I REALLY wanted to and because we would have been charged for the hotel anyway, as it was too late to cancel. That might sound crazy, but I was actually fine. It was nice to get out of the city and relax a bit with my friends. We drove everywhere we went in a borrowed car and mostly just chilled out. I wasn't able to lay on my back all day but I stayed pretty still nonetheless. We ended up having a great time with our friends.

When I got home on Sunday, though, I crashed, laying around for basically two days straight, popping advil and rubbing icy hot on my body at every opportunity. I slept a lot, took Monday off work, and stayed flat on my back. I finally woke up on Tuesday morning feeling like I could walk to the subway and make it into work. I did leave early from work that day, though, in the interest of more rest.

So, long story longer, this pain began on Saturday morning and today, Wednesday, I'm finally feeling a bit like myself again. I'm not completely mobile yet and I'm still being very ginger and gentle with all my movements, but I can walk upright and am not in serious agony for most of the day. This is big progress.

I just got back from the doctor, in fact, and she thinks I have some chronic inflammation in this one particular area of my back, which sometimes pinches me from time to time and has for as long as I can remember. This spot, where I sometimes have twinges while stretching or walking, is the same spot that completely freaked out and riddled me practically paralyzed on Saturday. She said that the lunges I did at the gym combined with walking around funny for two days because I was gym-sore probably caused this inflammation to worsen to the point where the back spasmed intensely in order to avoid spinal injury. This sounds like a good diagnosis on paper, but I'm not entirely sure that that's exactly what's going on. But I'm going to take her word for it (she was a great doctor, very communicative and helpful), follow her treatment schedule, and if it doesn't get better, we'll explore physical therapy. Anyway, she said prescribed me a muscle relaxer and wants me to take advil twice a day for 30 days, not for pain, but as an inflammation treatment. And the muscle relaxer at night as needed. So I'm gonna do that, be aware of my posture, slowly start to exercise again, and see what happens.

Needless to say, I haven't worked out since before this happened, which is really no fun at all. I don't necessarily mind the enforced time away from exercise, but I also DO mind it completely and am ready to be done with it asap. The doctor actually said I can return to exercise as long as I'm not hurting. Thank GOD.

I went for a light, gentle walk last night, the first exercise-like thing I've done since this happened. I put on tennis shoes and walked in the nearby park. A route that usually takes me 15 minutes took 45. That's how slow-moving I was. I couldn't physically walk any faster. I tried. But my entire back just felt locked up; it wouldn't let me move. It felt good to be out getting some blood pumping but it was also discouraging to see how much this injury has impacted my ability to move normally - basically overnight! So infuriating. While on the walk, I got really sore and my back got really tired after about 20 minutes. (I couldn't turn back though - Bob Dylan was playing a concert in the park and I had to walk by and check it out! I did. It was so great. This part of Brooklyn was an atmospheric delight last night, with everyone out on blankets or lawn chairs, with their partners or babies or dogs, listening to great music in the beautiful summer evening weather.) I called Kevin to come get me in a cab though (he was at a meeting nearby) because I didn't think I could walk home.

If anything, this has made me realize a couple things. I need to slow down. I mean that in a big and small way.

On the small scale, I need to take more time with my exercise - if I'm going to squeeze in a workout on my lunch break, I need to sacrifice a few minutes of the actual exercise to make sure I'm stretching out plenty before and after and warming up and cooling down as best as I can. I'm not 20 years old anymore, ya know? In general, the mental and physical stress of trying to cram a whole trip to the gym, there and back, undressed and redressed, into 60 minutes, might just be something I'm going to have to put on the back burner for a while. I think I might just be trying to do too much and it's not worth it. I don't do it intentionally but I'm sure I sometimes hurry through lifting workouts or speed-through my stretches and that can be dangerous. Oh, if only I had 3 hours a day to spend on a nice long workout with plenty of luxurious stretching.

And on the large scale, in general, I just need to slow the fuck down. In life. I'm doing too much. I'm busy every single night, always. I am always making plans to squeeze things in and please everyone and please myself and please my boyfriend and do my workouts and be a good employee. It's too much. I'm running on empty half the time and I'm always rushing around with only 30 minutes to travel from point A to B for the next thing. It's always the next thing, the next thing. A lot of it is obligatory. But some of it is just self-imposed.

I know I'm better at taking time for myself than some people are and I never have considered myself one of those people that will give out too much before she gives inward, but it's all relative. And even though I might not have as big a hill to climb in terms of taking care of myself first as some other women do, I still need to recognize my own sliding scale of self focus, and the bottom line is that I'm not giving myself enough right now and I need to turn it inward for a while. I don't think I'm on the verge of anything terrible if I don't do that, but having this back injury time where I was basically removed from normal life and removed from an ability to move through life at my normal pace has forced me to reflect a bit. I realize now that this pace might be too hard to maintain and get away without eventually burning out.

I don't necessarily think that this back injury happened in order to remind me of that, but I can't help but ask myself, what did I do to contribute to this injury and can I try to avoid that behavior in the future? And I think all of that overall points to needing to take more time with myself and my body and being more patient and less stressed out.

It was very hard for me to sit still on the days I laid at home and did nothing. I've never thought of myself as someone who has a hard time sitting still but I think the years living in New York City, operating at a big-city pace, and the challenges I've given myself in the ten years since I left my hometown have grown me into someone who doesn't often take moments to sit still and turn down the noise of it all. Now I'm naturally enclined to often be thinking what next. I don't want that. I don't want to be that person or live that life at ALL. I want to be healthy, active, and content, both physically and spiritually. And that has got to start with simply slowing down.

I also know I need to work on not emotionally internalizing the stuff that's going on outside of me all the time. I'm involved in a few groups and spend a lot of time with other people in professional and social atmospheres and the personality and social challenges can be exhausting. I am someone who craves and requires alone time, perhaps more than some other people do. So rather than try to run with the pack, I'm going to work on being content with my own pace and my own capacity for outside influence.

I have been focusing a lot on the comedy groups I'm in and I'm beginning to resent it. It's no one's fault but my own. And all it means is that I need to carve out some time to focus on my own desires and interests: pilates, yoga, running, healthy cooking, organic foods, general nutrition, meditation, volunteer work, writing, traveling, home-life. These are the things that bring me a general sense of peace and happiness - not for anything, or to any end - not to make a buck or start a career - just for me, to feel like Jen.

There are certain things I can't give up, certain days of the week that will not be my own for now, certain scheduling things that are what they are and aren't going to change anytime soon. But I can decide to reinvest in being wholly myself while I'm tending to those obligations, by emotionally disconnecting from other peoples' emotional drama, especially when it comes at me in a professional environment, in choosing to intellectually experience my professional relationships, rather than emotionally experience them, and in choosing to spend the time that I do have to myself feeding my mind and body healthy and enriching experiences that make me feel human. That's really important to me right now. I have to remember that I owe nothing to any person or thing. I only owe kindness to myself. Everyone else can take a damn number. Hallelujah, Amen? ;)

Sounds like a lot to get out of a back injury, huh? It was. It's not some huge life overall by any means. But it will mean some simple, gentle ways of encouraging myself to focus more on myself, respecting my natural pace, and feeling healthy and comfortable in my own reality. I've been really interested in eating organically lately and preparing natural foods to help keep me nutritionally satisfied. So I think it's only natural that that desire to be whole and healthy translate into other areas besides my diet.

I gained weight at weigh-in yesterday. I think this back injury has caused some weight gain due to lack of exercise AND! overeating Saturday - Monday from being pissed about my condition! Sweet. ;) Oh well, what can you do. Back to it, right?

Trying to make good, healthy, natural food choices this week. And I will start back slowly on the exercise with just some gentle cardio, maybe just walking, and some pilates to reinvigorate core strength. Not gonna lift for a while, until I feel 100%.

I've decided to change the look of this site, clean it up a bit, to reflect what I hope will be a new focus in a gentler more open direction.

That's that. It's a beautiful day today. Back to it.