Alls well that ends well...

I'm eating a most delicious cookie right now. Dessert after lunch.

..Moving on.

Weigh-in was this morning, thank GOD I'm down three pounds from the drama of last week's weigh-in. I didn't even do that much this week to warrant that loss, but the week before, the week of my back mess and subsequent no-exercise/self-pity-induced-eat-what-I-want-like-a-baby regime, was more than enough to warrant the gain. I'm still a couple pounds above the lowest I was a few weeks ago, but whatever. All's well that ends well. I don't sweat it. In fact, I'd actually forgotten what I'd gained until I logged in to track my weight today and saw last week's entry. It was kind of nice to realize that I hadn't been obsessing about it all week.

My friend Kathleen wrote an entry today that made me chuckle. She was talking about how at parties where there is food it's next to impossible for her to just "be" there and have a drink in her hand and stay away from the food table, or if she's staying away from it, to avoid obsessing about it constantly. I couldn't agree more. She mentioned that she's always thinking about her next meal, that she's thinking about food when she goes to sleep and wakes up. I could probably put myself in that category too.

The truth is, it's a goddammed addiction. I wonder if naturally thin people roll their eyes at that (come roll them to my face then, you butts), but after years of being overweight, a few devastatingly painful years of being beyond overweight i.e. obese and in agony, and now six years of being varying degrees of not-overweight, if I have come to any conclusion, it is this one: People with weight problems have weight problems because their relationship to food, in one way another, is not Normal. Like, deep down, in their genes, not normal. And believe it or not, they've proven that it doesn't begin as an emotional problem or a response to emotions. People who are fat get fat because they're genetically more susceptible to being fat - either they can't taste food the way other people can or they don't register feeling full the way other people do or they don't have that internal barometer for eating a balanced diet that other people might or they experience higher than normal levels of dopamine (feel-good hormones) when eating than other people do. And they gain weight because their eating is not normal. THEN being heavier than other people makes them depressed and lonely and they aren't having sex or going out or if they are it's not satisfying or fulfilling like the food feels, which makes them turn to the one thing that does feel good. Duh. And so the cycle begins and so it continues.

It's sad, really. Because it's a lonely road for a lot of people.

And now that I've been able to keep this weight off, I still have to shake my head at how OBSESSED I can be with food. Some might suggest (my loving boyfriend) that writing a whole blog about food and exercise and what I eat and what I want to eat is actually making worse that obsession but (as I kindly told him before I kicked him) I think, in fact, that it does the opposite. It's a place for me to channel the obsession, for me to work it out for myself, for me to talk out loud and get occasional feedback and contribute to a community that I'm so proud to be a part of. It makes it so the obsession is just a low hum rather than a roar.

But yup. Obsessed. With food. I think it's been worse before in life, the obsession, but I dont think it will ever go away completely. I don't think I'll ever be "cured." I will still stand at a party with a food table, DYING inside over how much there is to eat and how badly I want a taste of EVERYTHING and how sick these asshole thin people are who are just casually standing here like it's no big fucking deal. These are the same people who don't seem to have to pinch their own thighs to keep from mauling the guy carrying the passed finger foods. These people are not me and I am not them.

Whew.

In other news, I'm feelin good today. It was another not-perfect food week this past week, as I mentioned. I make some stupid choices sometimes. But I also make some great ones. So whatcha gon do. I'm glad it's a new week, I got lots of healthy, natural, whole, organic foods at my house right now (we've been picking things up piece meal for a few days since we haven't gotten to the store for a big run) and I hope to get to TJ's tonight to round out the supply. Can't wait to buy some stuff I've been dying to have on hand for a while now, specifically ALMOND BUTTER (yummmm) and edamame. Weird, I know. At least when you're obsessed with food, for me at least, it doesn't matter if it's good-for-you food or shitty food, as long as it tastes good.

I didn't end up doing the gym on my lunch break yesterday. I did take a brisk-ish 40 min walk in Central Park, but I had my regular day clothes on so it didn't feel like an official workout.

Today I went for a 30 minute jog in the park (put on my exercise clothes for this one) and it was nice. It's only the second time I've jogged since my back went out, and only the first time I've jogged outside since then, so I was pleased with my output. I'm hoping to have a really good exercise week, filled with lots of different ways of movin my bod, because the last two weeks have left plenty to be desired in the ways of physical activity. Understandably so, but still.

It's only Tuesday but I'm already looking forward to another weekend of summer fun. Hopefully some lunch in the park, some outside hikes, some beach or pool time (or both!), some lazying around and reading, some drinking. ;) I'll try to get all my chores and tasks done during the week so I don't have shit to worry about from Friday evening to Monday morning. Poor Kev will still have to work this weekend, but the end is in sight there. I want to do something nice for him to mark the occasion.

I'm enjoying the hell out of the Olympics, btw. And I thought Nastia was ROBBED of the gold on the uneven bars. The Chinese girl who tied with Nastia and ultimately won the gold because of a stupid accounting rule had several errors, not to mention! she didn't stick her dismount! WTF?! A gold medal awarded to the girl who didn't stick her dismount!? And Nastia's was perfect?? What can we believe in if this is how the world is run!? I'll still watch more tonight though. Can't wait.

Back to work. Blaaaaaaaaargh.

oh, p.s.! I tried one of those new Dunkin Donuts egg-white flat bread sandwiches for breakfast this morning. It's not exactly organic, natural food by any means, but I was dying to try it. For 280 calories, 6 points, it was incredibly tasty. Some fiber in it too. I had the turkey sausage one. I'd definitely get it again. Yum.