It's beginning to look a lot like...!

Well, it can certainly be hard to get back into regular blogging when you've taken a long break. But I'll attempt it today. One of my bosses at work is out of the office today (thank you, God) and even though things seem like they could easily get very busy at any moment, I'm going to carve out some personal time.

Most notably, I guess, is that I'm still recovering from having been sick. It wasn't too bad, only lasted about a week, and I wasn't completely down for the count for the entire week. But I have been feeling some form or another of under-the-weather for a while. It's mostly devolved into a nasty sounding cough at this point. But I still wake up congested and headachy each day. It could be a lot worse, I'm well aware. But it's still no fun. I had a fantastic birthday weekend and woke up the Monday after sick as a dog.

Kevin was even sicker than I was, the poor thing. He was down and out for a solid 7 days. He's feeling much better now. And it's so nice to see him alive and well again. He was totally bored, miserable, and in a serious funk by the end of that week.

Anyway. We're both on the up and up, and JUST in the nic. Because things are gettin' festive around here. And I'm loving it.

So. Food and exercise. All is well on both fronts. Despite a minor gain after the week of Halloween, the Election (had a big party), and my Birthday, which was complete with several dinners out and several gatherings involving cupcakes, things are stable, moving down again, and looking good.

As has been my custom since the summer, I'm exercising a lot - usually about 6 times a week - because I love it. If I go a day without it, I can live, but two days, and I start to feel antsy. I've been going on long runs, doing yoga, doing pilates, lifting weights, mixing it up on cardio machines at the gym - pretty much the whole enchilada. And it feels really good. My body has responded really nicely and I feel really slim and fit. (I went to the doctor yesterday for something unrelated and she had to check my abdominal muscles and she said that they're in really great shape. Love that.)

On the days that I don't workout (and no, I don't get in 6 official workouts every single week - sometimes it's 5, sometimes it's 4), I still aim to do something active and physical to keep myself moving and keep the blood flowing. Moving to Brooklyn and adopting a huge, gorgeous park a block away from my apartment into part of my lifestyle has been just amazing. I run, walk and hike around or through that thing at least once a week, if not more. It's perfect. Watching the leaves changes and ultimately begin to fall off has been the inspiration for many long walks (one taken on my birthday, which was awesome); being able to go for a nice long run around the perimeter with lots of other runners, bikers, and walkers doing their thang at the same time has been a great joy for me. And Kevin and I have found ourselves taking long hikes through different hilly parts of the park that we've never seen before (it's a HUGE park) as a way to spend a nice Sunday afternoon together. I will often decide to get on the subway at a stop that is farther away than the one near my house, just so I can walk through the park to get there. It's awesome. I'm dreading when it's way too cold to even think about walking around outside. But I'm hoping those days are few and far between and that even in winter, I can bundle up and get movin. It never stays intolerably frigid for long in New York. (Although it is surprisingly cold today. Gah!)

I've also been doing lots of other activities outside the house like shopping at grocery stores far away and using the varied trip home (up and down the stairs to the subway, walking to and from the store and the house) while carrying the heavy bags as a way to stay active. I pull my abs in, make sure I'm varying the arm muscles I'm using, do little squats at stop lights, and generally try to help myself get stronger. It's fun. I carried home a heavy butternut squash on Saturday and certainly looked like a big weirdo as a I did bicep curls and shoulder presses as I walked.

On Sunday morning I had some errands to run - a trip to Target to return some things and get some other things, and a trip to Trader Joe's to get some ingredients to use with some produce we'd gotten at the farmer's market the day before. Kevin is notoriously difficult to get moving in the morning and usually I'm happy to laze around with him, but on this particular Sunday morning I just wanted to get up and get going. So when I woke up, I announced to him that I was putting on pants and going to run my errands by myself. I spent the morning shopping at my own pace, got in lots of walking and stair climbing and eventual carrying of extremely heavy bags (so heavy I had to call him to meet me at the subway station because I didn't think I could make the 1.5 block walk from the train to the house by myself). I had a tiny piece of bread with a smear of peanut butter on it before I left the house, some coffee and water while I was out and about, and I came home pleasantly ravenous and exhausted but energized. It was a great, active morning. I'm sure I easily burned 500 calories just carrying those fucking bags. It's experiences like that that remind me why I consider myself so lucky to live in a big city where "by-foot" is one of the primary modes of transportation. I wouldn't know what to do with myself otherwise.

I don't usually give myself activity points (the weight watchers version of allowing a little more food in your diet in exchange for exercise) for these kinds of "active" days. I just chalk them up to an active lifestyle and then I don't fret if I have a glass of wine that's a little larger than 4 ounces every once in a while. You get the idea.

Spiritually, my current connection to my physical life is such a blessing. I really feel more connected to myself, my body, and my thoughts when I'm active. I feel a meditative state wash over me and I remind myself to slow down mentally, stop ruminating about so many little details, and just be. It's something I really need.

Another spiritual experience for me lately has been cooking. I know I've mentioned here before that since moving in with Kevin, I've becoming a lot more aware of what we're both putting into our bodies by way of making sure we have healthy, natural, organic foods in the house at all times. We made a lasagna, a butternut squash soup from scratch, and an apple cake this weekend. It was a blast. And very tiring. But we had a great time cooking together and now we have a ton of food for the whole week.

Also, I'm trying to take more time when eating my meals - that doesn't mean focusing more on food - it actually means focusing less on food. I'm doing stuff like saying a quick blessing before I eat to be thankful for the fact that I'm able to sit down to a delicious meal, taking my time to chew each bite and savor the flavors, and giving my body and mind time to sync up and register when I've had enough to eat.

So the general experience of buying, preparing, and consuming food lately has been something special for me. I'm sure it's not something I will always have the time or mental wherewithal to do, but for now, it's a nice habit to practice.

I'm in a great place with how much I'm eating. There's no food I can't have right now. Quite the contrary actually. If I want dessert, I try to find something very decadent and rich to eat. That way, it feels special and I feel satisfied after just a few bites. If I want pizza, I get the best looking slice I can find, maybe two slices! And enjoy every morsel. Usually I want veggies or whole grains or some filling lean protein. But when I crave something else, I have it.

I guess a lot of what led me to this place of relaxation and ease with some of this stuff is this book I've mentioned a few times called "Fit From Within." It's just a collection of really short chapters on ways to eat and live more intuitively and naturally, without having to focus on what you're eating or not eating. It is certainly something that wouldn't have helped me when I had 110+ pounds to lose. I needed something much more guided then. But now that I've lost the weigh and I'm in a place of wanting to lose a tiny bit more, but mostly to maintain my weight, while getting my mind out of the place of needing to count calories or deprive myself of certain things, this book has been a nice tool. I haven't even read the whole thing. But after just a few pages you really start to get a sense of what this woman is talking about. And you begin to realize the ways in which you, or I guess I should say 'I', have NOT been living/eating as intuitively as I'd like to be.

Ultimately, I don't want to have to think about any of it. I want to be 40, 50, 60 years old, naturally thin, active, healthy, and able to eat three squares a day that maintain my weight, keep me nutritiously fueled, and allow for a giant piece of cake once a month - all without having to think about it much more than "Hm. I should probably go for a run tomorrow. That was a big glass of wine."

THAT is the reality I dream of. I'm not there yet. But I'm closer than I was a month ago. And much closer than I was 6 years ago. It's exciting. And I know it's within reach.

Something very obvious that this book discusses is the idea that life doesn't revolve around eating. I KNOW it, but I haven't fully lived it, possibly ever. It's been really nice to learn to have an understanding of what that means and to consider being finished thinking about food for a while when I've finished the last bite of a meal. It's an ongoing process, but something I'm grateful to have in my frame of reference now. There is no doubt in my mind that reading this book is helping me enjoy food in a different way and is helping me to live a more fulfilling life by not caring so much about what I eat.

I feel 28, I really do. Whatever the hell that means. I feel more mature, responsible, capable, and qualified than I ever have before in my life. It's really sort of a wonderful place to be. I had a really tough fucking time of it in my late teens and early twenties. It was easily the darkest darkness I think I'll ever know. It gave me the capacity to relate to people who've lived through difficult circumstances. And I feel now like I've really earned my 28 years. I feel that I really deserve to say No to people when I say No, to stand up for myself when I do, to have the friends and family I have, to be in the relationship I'm in. And I also have a greater sense than ever before that this is "It." Meaning, my life is not gonna be starting at any point in the future. This is IT. For better or worse, this is my life, this is my ADULT life. This is who I am and every day is a day in my life. I'm not waiting for anything to happen or any big event to change everything or for anything to begin. There is no "once I" or "as soon as I" or "someday I'll" that makes NOW any less real or less My Life. It's interesting to realize that I haven't fully felt that way until now. And I'm not sure what made me realize it. There's just something so adult about hearing myself say "28" when asked how hold I am. I remember being a kid and thinking 28 was ancient.

Anyway, you get the idea.

Oh and a quick note about my job: It's good for a paycheck. And I'm glad I have a job and health benefits in this difficult economic time. I'm still regularly broke and have to be very aware of what I'm spending, but it could absolutely be significantly worse and I know that. And I'm grateful for the privilege to come to work every day. That said, things have been a bit insane around here lately. There has been some major drama going on that is no fun. Offices, I find, are like that. There's drama. I do not want to be someone who ends up spending her life working in an office environment. (The chairs alone would kill me.) So my movable goal is to stay here for another year (this past week was my 1 year anniversary at this job), and leave to move onto greener pastures. Pastures that are not in an office. It's not THIS office that I don't want to work in - it's not so bad - it's all of them that I don't want to work in. This is not what I want for my life. (Which is happening NOW, btw ;) I'm not sure what I'll do or what it will involve - though I have some ideas. But I am sure that I want a lifestyle different than this one. And it's my lose goal to be able to get there by my 29th birthday. I can certainly tough it out in the meantime. After all, this IS my life, and I'll be damned if I'm going to be a grouch about my job every day, even if it's not the ideal workplace. So in the year that I have left here, I'm going to attempt to make the most of it - since I'm sure there are aspects of it that I'll miss when it's gone. I'm hoping that the next calendar year, starting right now, will be about opening myself up to finding out what the next thing will be. I'm eager to embark on what will hopefully be a journey of discovery in that regard.

On a much lighter, less hippie-chick note, I'm so excited that it's basically the holidays! I love the holidays. I had a fun Halloween - check, and a great birthday - check, and now it's onto Thanksgiving. Kev and I are going to cook at our house for ourselves and our friend Daniel for turkey day. And we're also planning to volunteer that day (which is proving harder than expected - I can't get anyone to call me back about volunteering!), or if not on Thursday, at some point that weekend. I want to really focus on giving back and giving of myself this holiday season. It's something I need a lot more of in my life. And I think the constant purchasing of material gifts for the people we love this time of year is absolutely inane. So I'm boycotting that, I'm going to make most of my presents this year, and I'm going to try to do a little volunteering. It's a start.

I'm excited to cook my first-ever Thanksgiving meal! I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing. Should be fun! :) Having a Home for the first time in a long time (my last apartment was not a place that anyone would want to spend a great deal of time - very dingy, dark, and not conducive to comfort), and having a home with Kevin, has been so fun for me and for us as a couple. And of course, the holidays will now be that much more exciting! I have a house to decorate, much to my Jewish boyfriend's dismay, with Christmas paraphernalia, holiday tunes to play, and general festivity to exude. I'm excited. We're going to put up our tree the day after Thanksgiving. I bought some trimmings for it this past weekend, I already have a ton of ornaments, and I bought us four cheap stockings (Jen, Kevin, Floyd, and Chawser) and we put our names on them with glue and glitter! Awwww. So gross and crafty I can't even stand it. But it was fun. And I'm having a blast with it.

I'm so excited to get the tree put up and our house smelling like pine, and to snuggle in for a festive December. It's cold here today, and as I was walking to work this morning, there were tons of workers putting up holiday decorations all over the city. It felt so nice. And of course 5th Avenue is already completely decorated with lights, bows, and bells. It's about that time!