Homeward Bound, Jet Plane, etc.

Leaving my office in about 15 minutes for the airport! Wahoo! I do love to travel. :)

I didn't workout yesterday, I was so exhausted when I got home from work. I did some very light yoga, mostly for body alignment and relaxation, during Obama's speech last night. But beyond that, it wasn't happening.

Kevin had a crazy day yesterday with unexpected things popping up for his project last minute. And he's been on the phone all morning this morning as he is packing and getting things organized at home. I really feel for him. Little does he know that last week I scheduled a surprise massage for him for tomorrow morning once we're in Crystal Lake (the suburb I'm from). :) I've had to bite my tongue to keep from telling him. I'll tell him once we're on the plane.

Frankly, I wouldn't be surprised if he had to field a phone call or two this weekend about this stupid gig. Proud of him, though. It's been a tough month.

We ended up using our dinner gift certificate last night. The place was a short walk from our house - I can't believe we never knew it was there! It was so nice to walk through the neighborhood, the meal was yummy (nothing spectacular but certainly worth going again), and we had nice conversation with dinner.

I had a glass of rose, Kevin had a margarita, we shared the guacamole as an appetizer, and we each ordered a burrito for our main course. I only ate half of mine and was sufficiently stuffed. I brought the rest home to have for lunch today at work, but then I forgot it at home!! I'm actually gonna call Kevin now to see if he'll bring it with him to the airport. We got to order free lunch at work today (last Friday of every month) and we ordered from Chop't, this salad place that's popular in the city. My salad, although probably my own fault for choosing weird ingredients, was NASTY. I can't even eat it! I'm so bummed. I was hoping a big salad would be the perfect fiber infusion to keep me full for the plane ride. I always get really hungry when traveling. Unfortunately, it didn't work out that way. I have a couple bananas with me and I just had a handful of trail mix. We'll see. Might have to get in a jog tonight when I get to my mom's house.

Last night we watched Wednesday night's speeches that we had recorded and then we watched Obama. Good tv. Then we went to BED. So zapped.

I'm going to kill a girl at my job. That's all.

Okay! Have a good weekend everyone!! I'm going to try to make healthy choices and get in some exercise, but also, vacation!!!

Zzzzzz...

Sigh. I'm feeling down today. I don't know why.

I got not-enough sleep last night. And that fact made me so pissy as I was finally getting into bed at 2am. Like, so pissy I wanted to scream and cry. "I HAVE AN EMOTIONAL AND PSYCHOLOGICAL NEED TO FEEL AS THOUGH I'VE SLEPT ENOUGH, WORLD. LET ME OFF THE HOOK WITH YOUR GUILT TRIPS." Of course no one is guilt tripping me. It's my own damn creation.

Let's backtrack, shall we? Pilates class last night was okay. The woman ended class 20 minutes early because she wasn't feeling well. (I haven't had much luck with these classes lately.) But then she beelined out of there like she had somewhere to be. Maybe she was just hurrying because she was really sick. Anyway, it was mostly alright with me. Gave me some time to take a quick shower and more time to grab something to eat before my improv show. Plus I'd already worked out earlier in the day.

I made my way downtown, after eating a quick plum as a snack to tide me over. And then I grabbed a slice of pepperoni pizza for dinner. Dinners on Wednesday nights have seemed to settle into a slice of pizza and a piece of fruit. It's always a hurried night because I get out of work at 7, almost always do something at the gym until 8:30, and have only about 35-40 minutes to travel to the theater and find some quick dinner on the way. I used to wait until after the show to eat dinner, but that has proven, time and again, to leave me pissy with a headache and a stomachache because I waited way too long to fuel myself. So pizza slice it is. It's okay. It's only about 7-8 points and is delicious and warm.

Our show was fun, Kev's group did really well also, and the other show I watched after ours was amazing and had me in stitches the whole time. It always feels good to laugh really hard after a long day. And I always do on Wednesday nights. Super fun.

Kevin's sister and her husband, L and E, were in town for the evening to see the show and get a drink with us afterwards. I made my way over to the bar after the show, though, and neither Kevin nor his sister were there yet. So I ordered a beer (haven't had a beer in AGES) and sat down with some friends for what ended up being an hysterical and enjoyable conversation about all kinds of fun stuff. Eventually I noticed that Kevin, L and E were sitting at the front of the place, and I made my way over to them. It was late by this point, well past my bedtime, and I was just exhausted. I simply require sleep. Some people get all nuts if they can't have a cigarette or a drink or if they're really hungry. If I'm really tired and it's really late and I can't, for whatever reason, go to bed immediately, I'm mentally done. I wasn't this way until a couple years ago. And I sort of don't give a fuck what anyone thinks about it. (Defensive much?) It's something I should work on so my loving boyfriend doesn't have to put up with my drama and can enjoy himself. I'm not that bad, really. I don't give him a really hard time about it or anything, but I know he can sense my discomfort. I realize it's probably a simple mindset shift to just be fine with being awake. Eh, whatever. SLEEP WINS.

We chatted with L and E for a bit and eventually left to head home in a cab, as they got in their car to drive the 40 minutes back to their house in the suburbs. Got home, was being bitchy to Kevin, didn't fall asleep until 2:45 or so. I'm really tired today. And I don't have much energy to exercise.

Woke up this morning and sweet Kev made me an egg sandwich for breakfast, and wrapped it up all thoughtfully for me to bring to work. I packed it up with a few snacks (grapes, trail mix, a gnu bar) and decided that we'd done well enough on consuming perishables before our trip that I could splurge and eat out for lunch today. Wahoo! It's been a while since I've done that, when I used to do it ALL the time, like every day. So it will be fun to get something yummy and different.

I think I'll also get a manicure on my lunch break. It's been seriously months if not a year since I've gotten a manicure. Not sure when I stopped or why. I used to get one once a week without fail. I'm sure money and time had a lot to do with it. I've been keeping my nails really short lately. It will be nice to get them done.

Might do a once-around the park tonight (40-60 minutes depending on how fast I walk or run) with Kevin. Might skip it, though, since I'm beat. The scale was friendly this morning (not why I'd skip the workout, mind you), which was nice. I feel slim today. I've been working out a lot lately, in retrospect. Taking lots of classes and getting in regular cardio, lifting here and there when I can, which hasn't been much. My back injury really freaked me out in some way that inspired me to just get out there every day if possible.

We're having dinner out tonight, finally using our gift certificate from our landladies as a thank you for watching their cats. It's tex mex, which we both love, and it's close to our apartment! Which is awesome.

The flight tomorrow is around 4. Can't wait to see my family and be in my hometown, experiencing life at a different pace. I hope the weather is nice.

....And today's.

It's so quiet at work today. I love it. Almost every single attorney is out on vacation (I think there are a total of three here, out of a possible ten.) and that never happens. One of my bosses is on vacation until September 8. So sweet for me. :) I will actually be taking on a third assistant position (I assist two people right now) on September 1. Hopefully it won't upset my worklife too much, but you never know with these things. Blah blah. Can't think about it now. I still have a week left of "summer!"

I'm looking ever forward to our trip to Chicago on Friday. I'm excited to see my family, who I don't get to see nearly enough, and to have a few days to just completely relax. It's nice to relax somewhere away from your own home. If I'm home, I'm gonna cook up something (i.e. chores) to do eventually, ya know?

I'm sure there will be more than one opportunity for exercise while we're in the midwest. My mom practically has a full gym in her finished basement. She's a workout freak so she's always got the goods. I'm sure I'll wake up early and do some treadmill time or lift some weights, maybe even take a jog around the 'hood. And even though we'll be indulging in food and drink at certain meals, for sure, there's also lots of opportunity for healthy eating. Like I said, my mom's a health nut. So she's got a ton of great stuff in the house for breakfasts and lunches.

I guess I'm secretly hoping to do some shopping too. I'm in desperate need of new bras, new jeans, and new running shoes. All larger-ticket items in terms of clothing oneself. I need to make just a liiiittle more money every month. Don't we all.

My yoga class night was shitty. It was a major bummer. We all arrived and were laying out our mats when this weirdish lady walked to the front of the room and told us that the normal teacher had to be rushed to the emergency room (yikes!!) so they didn't time to find a sub, and she, the new GM of the club, was going to be "teaching" a "class" because she didn't want people to show up for class and have there not be a class. Nice of her, certainly. And I hope the normal teacher (never been to this class before so I have no idea who it is) is okay.

Niceties aside, I was a little bummed that this lady was teaching class. It wasn't a yoga class by any means, or a pilates class, or anything really other than stretching and some ab work. I had to fight not to get pissy about it the whole time. But I kept reminding myself that the whole point of taking yoga class is to relax and Be With What Is and accept your limitations, so why get all bent out of shape (literally - ha) over not having a normal class. Plus, that poor person in the emergency room. How bout a little perspective. So I tried to let it go and just enjoy what we were doing. I was craaaaaving the yoga. Especially after the PMS (minus the P) day I'd had. And the guy next to me, a BIG dude, was huffing and puffing his way through the whole hour. BUT AGAIN. I tried to let it all go and just be. It ended up being okay, of course. And. I'm a brat.

Still jonesin for the yoga though.

I went home and, as promised, made a big taco feast. I'd decided earlier on in the evening to skip the wrap portion of my burrito/taco thing and just have a big fuckin taco salad. Kevin had the wraps with his, they looked good, but once I bit into my taco salad (complete with romaine, taco meat, green and yellow peppers, onions, two kinds of salsa, brown rice, sour cream, cheese, and a few corn chips sprinkled over the top for crunch) I was in heaven. We boiled some corn on the cob to have with it and it was one of the best, most filling meals I've had in a while. (I wrapped up the leftovers and had a repeat for lunch today.) It was a protein and veggie fest, for sure.

After that, I was full but I had to have some of my baked banana oatmeal, which was, of course, tastier on day 2, with a spoonful of chocolate soy ice cream.

We watched the convention. I did some emailing and then hopped into bed shortly after that. Pooped. Tried to read, but it wasn't happening. Zzzzz.

I woke up at 6am after a totally bizarre freaky nightmare. I actually got up to pee and ended up writing down some of the dream! There were so many weird parts to it and I wanted to remember them. (Don't know why...) I was totally creeped when I woke up, but my cat, who always knows when I'm having a bad dream, was standing on the bed protecting me. :) Love that. Every time I've ever woken up from a bad dream that cat is standing right there. They are both good spirits our cats. Kev held me close too (because I woke him up to tell him I'd had a bad dream :) and I fell back to sleep eventually. Woke up late this morning. Woops.

Kev packed my lunch while I hurried to get dressed and I ended up only a few minutes late to work, luckily. The train was PACKED this morning. I think something was wrong earlier in the morning that caused the gap between arriving trains to be longer than usual because there were a ton of people waiting on the platform when I got down there.

Like I said, work has been slow today. I'm loving it. I have been able to get lots of personal stuff done and tomorrow I think I should be able to finish up some stuff and get really organized for my new boss, who starts on Tuesday.

Went for a long lunch today (maybe a bit too long? felt guilty when I came back late...) so that I could do a 40 min cardio workout. Usually only have time for 30. I ended up doing the elliptical, which was nice. Haven't done that in - years? Maybe? It was a pretty good workout! I enjoyed it. Nice to mix it up. I just didn't have the energy for a full-fledged run today.

I'm gonna go back tonight for pilates class. Then I have a 9:30pm improv show. Kevin's sister and brother-in-law will be seeing the shows tonight (Kevin and I are on separate improv teams that perform back to back on Wednesday nights) so we'll probably grab a drink (maybe just seltzer for me, we'll see - I have an annoying-as-hell headache right now) with them after the show.

I'm really hoping to get up early tomorrow and do some yoga practice on my own, which I think I can probably do from memory. And I might try to do some cardio on my lunch break. I really want to have the whole evening free tomorrow night to a.) celebrate the fact that Kevin (fingers crossed!) is shipping his project today, meaning it MIGHT be DONE (wahooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!) by going out to dinner at a local tex-mex place and b.) to tidy up and pack for our trip.

I have to work Friday morning until 1 or 2ish. Then it's off to the airport!

Might do a fridge clean out tonight. Only a few more meals left to use stuff up before we go! This is like some sick contest I have with myself. All in all I've been eating such healthy, natural, mostly organic things lately. And I'm not spending money on food from outside the house. It feels great. Somebody give me a medal. ;)

I wrote this yesterday evening and never got a chance to post it...

This will have to be quick because I'm trying to scoot out of work a little early tonight, since both my bosses are gone. I want to catch a yoga class at 7:30 and I'd like to avoid having to rush to get there, and maybe even be able to do a little arm workout before hand.

As predicted, the scale was up about half a pound this morning. Oh wellllllll. Menstruation. I made a meal plan for the days we're in town this week, including dinners, and it's helped me stay on track and make good decisions today, day one of my new week. Plus I feel like we really might have a shot of using up all our perishables before we go out of town, which is lovely news.

Warning! Lady stuff, guys!:

My period started - get this - after I left work, before I arrived to my improv practice, while I was on the fucking subway. I was like "Hey body? WHAT. THE. FUCK." I was in agony, so sore and achy and headachy and incredibly overcome with exhaustion during that train ride and the following 20 minutes. I was literally wandering around midtown, trying to find an ATM (to pay for my portion of the improv rehearsal space), advil (if I have cramps and I don't have advil I'm completely useless, with the advil I can function), and a bathroom. I was just a mess. Sweating, dizzy, hot, in so much pain. It was ridiculous! I finally got the advil in me and got to practice and was able to calm down and breathe a bit. But it was not fun.

I had a weird, light dinner of some chicken salad, some salsa, some guacamole, and some chips when I got home last night, while I prepared this delicious Baked Banana Oatmeal recipe that I found on Kath Eats Real Food, which turned out really tasty even though I used quick oats instead of real oats. Because I am an idiot. Anywaaaay. Kevin loved the final product and I thought it was pretty tasty too. We watched Michelle Obama's speech and went to bed shortly thereafter.

I woke up to bad cramps around 6am. I actually toyed with GETTING UP for good at that point! I went to the bathroom, fed the cats, got back into bed, and ended up laying there for a good while. Kevin woke up too, we chatted, and I finally fell back to sleep, all the while thinking, just get up now, just see how it feels. Of course, I didn't. But it's a step. A baby step. Think. Do. Be. .... er...right?

I threw together some breakfast and lunch when I finally did get up and Kevin packed it up for me in a neat little sack, the darling. Love him.

Today at work has been tough and annoying for a list of reasons. And I'm just generally feeling pouty and like I don't have any/don't like any of my friends. I get like this once a month. Hmmmmmmmm. ;) I went for a run on my lunch break which did seem to help break through the nasty voices in my head.

Yoga tonight will be great also.

I'm still feeling a bit down, but whatever.

I'm gonna make tacos for a late dinner when I get home from yoga and watch Hilary give her speech. Hopefully it will be an early night to bed.

Feeling physically PMS-y this afternoon. Nothing emotional, really. I am feeling sluggish, quiet, and like I want to curl up and go to sleep, though. And my insides ache. Ugh.

This means that tomorrow, my weigh-in will probably be unfavorable.

Good god, I actually feel dizzy right now and slow like I'm on some kind of drug. Isn't the female body funny?

So. Let's see if I can attempt to put words together and form a cohesive thought.

Great weekend to recap. Friday night: I made guacamole and chicken quinoa salad (recipe courtesy of my friend Jess) to have throughout the week, then Kevin and I went for a 60 minute walk around the park together, which was very nice, despite the fact that we were having a bicker for most of the walk ;). Then we came home and got dressed and headed into Manhattan (after grabbing some pizza slices on the way) for a friend's birthday gathering. We weren't there too long at all because shortly after we arrived, said friend started organizing the bill-pay and rounding everyone up to leave. He was heading to Burning Man early the next morning and seemed a bit drunk/anxious about getting home to bed at a reasonable hour. Kev and I were in a cab and home basically 2 hours after we left the house. It was funny. We crashed into bed, I believe.

Saturday: Woke up early to do some things around the house and prepare to go to the beach. I made a picnic lunch (chicken salad sandwiches, fresh fruit, carrots, trail mix, potato chips, and some dark chocolate) and we gathered up our towels and reading material. But then we ended up having to wait around for something for Kevin's current project (which ends this week! wahoo!!!) to come through. It didn't happen until much later than we'd expected, so we got a much later start on the beach day. I didn't mind that much because I had been feeling a bit stressed the night before about some unfinished chores and I was able to tackle most of those while we waited around. Once we got to the beach (and ran into some people Kevin knows from work) we were only on the sand about an hour (!) before we had to turn right back around. Major bummer. We didn't even get to go in the water. But it wasn't all bad - we had to leave early because we had a date to go see our friends' new baby! Naturally, we arrived late to that date, because Kevin's project held us up AGAIN when we stopped at home to shower and change. (I can't tell you how thrilled we will both be when this project is out of our lives.) But it turned out okay. When we arrived to the new parents' house, two of Kevin's other good friends were also there visiting the baby, so it ended up being a nice intimate evening of catching up and seeing the babe. We shared some expensive champagne (which I promptly spilled all over myself, much to the irritation of the host who opened the expensive champagne, I'm sure) on the roof top of their beautiful apartment building in Brooklyn, with the most amazing views of the city. And then it was getting chilly and the baby was looking hungry, so we went inside and camped out on the couch for a little while longer. I had a few more drinks (the new dad is a guy with a gift for hosting people at his home...and I always leave there drunk) while we watched some Olympics. I got to hold the little girl when she was done nursing, and it was, of course, to die for.



She was precious and perfect and it felt so lovely to have a newborn in my lap. I'm not ready for that myself anytime soon, but her little, tiny, warm body was like a drug. She was to die for.

We left shortly after that, after Kevin held her for a little while. The other friends who were also there were heading into Manhattan to get some dinner before they drove home (they live in Jersey) so we ended up joining them. We didn't have plans to do anything other than find our own supper, so this worked out perfectly. They're great people and we had such a nice, unexpected evening with them. We went to a great Italian place in the city where I had some sangria, and was definitely fully tipsy by the end of the evening. My meal was delicious too. ;) Crashed into bed again that night.

Sunday: Up early yet again so Kev could get going with his project check-in (even on Sundays, yup) and I could get us ready to go to the pool! Wahoo! Our friends Randy and Beth were meeting us at our house around 10:15 so we could head over together in a car service car. They arrived a little early, we were still finishing up our breakfast smoothies (got sick of eggs that morning), so we chatted a bit while Kevin finished up his work and then we packed it up for the pool. We spent a lovely morning there, and left around 2 or so to get some food at the park across the street where there are tons of local food vendors selling the most amazing authentic, ethnic foods ever. We made it home around 4pm and I promptly fell fast asleep for two hours! Kev worked while I napped. When I woke up we went for a quick run, then I made some dinner, watched, tv, and put myself to bed while he worked all night long. He didn't finish until 1am. On a SUNDAY. Crazytown. I don't even remember him climbing into bed. I was OUT.

I woke up this morning feeling totally exhausted. Grrr. I tried to do my get-up-closer-to-8am routine but it wasn't happening. I was so beat for some reason. I think this PMS might be the culprit.

I did feel refreshed though, in terms of my great weekend. It was a really nice few days filled with all the summery things I've been wanting to do lately. We got to see some people we haven't seen in a long time on Friday night. On Saturday we got to see a newborn! And some more people we haven't seen in a long time. And we had such a nice dinner with our friends. And Sunday was just a great relaxing time all-around. Plus the beach and the pool! Plus! I was able to prepare a few meals, put together some meals to have for the week, organize our kitchen a little bit, unclutter the house and do some light cleaning, and it left me generally feeling a bit more organized.

This morning I made a meal plan for the week. We're going out of town to Chicago for the long weekend so I want to be sure to use up all our perishables before we go away. So I planned out my meals and what I'll try to make for dinner this week. There's a good chance Kev will be working even later nights this week since they're delivering this project on Thursday, I believe. So I'm going to try to do as much housework on my own as I can so he doesn't have to worry about it. Plus, I love coming home after a weekend away to a clean house.

I also planned out my workouts for this week, a couple classes, a lifting session, and some running. I just wanted to feel organized and not worried about fitting in enough time for myself on this last week of the summer.

Hoped to get in a quick run during my lunch break today but I wasn't feelin it so in keeping with my new life plan of slowing down, I decided to skip it. I went out and bought some fresh produce instead.

I have improv practice tonight, which is a shame because I'm currently starving (despite having just had a snack) and exhausted. I'd love to go straight home. But it's not an option.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....

Excited to see my mom and my family this weekend! And to be away from home, able to relax, and vacate.

One for the Road

So, when I was 16 I got my driver's license like most everyone else I know did. And when I was 21, it expired. For a series of dramas I cannot remember, I did not get it renewed. I think I got a ticket that I forgot to pay which compounded the issue and ultimately, incredibly long story short, I never got another license. I was living in New York by this time, where you definitely don't need to drive, or even know how to drive, arguably, so it wasn't ever a truly pressing issue.

There have been several times when I've attempted to obtain a new license in the years since then but I haven't for whatever reason - mostly because the process to get a license in a state in which I've never had a license before is worse than actually getting your license for the first time at age 16. I think whenever I've tried to get to the bottom of exactly what I need to do to, I've become so overwhelmed at the long list of tasks they require that I've put it off for years now.

I've finally acquiesed though, to simply hunkering down and completing the fucking process. There have been too many times in recent years when I'm visiting someone who has a car and I want to be able to drive myself somewhere and can't, or when we've rented a car and I want a chance to drive it and I can't. You get the idea.

So I just spent the morning figuring out how to go about getting the damn thing. And it's complicated. It's probably gonna cost me anywhere between $200-$300 when all is said and done and is gonna be an errand/logistical nightmare. FIRST, I have to go apply for a new social security card just to begin, because I'd completely forgotten that mine is gone because my wallet was stolen a year ago. You're not supposed to carry your SSC in your wallet. I know. Shut up.

Anyway, that SS card experience in and of itself is gonna be a blast, I'm sure. Then beyond that it's gonna be a lot of different forms, errands, tasks, fees, a CLASS, I have to take a FUCKING CLAAAAAAAAAAAASS !, FOR FIVE HOURSSSSSSSSS, then I have to take two tests!, plus I'm sure there will be lots of waiting and waiting and waiting around. But I'm just gonna go through with it though. It's not rocket science. It's just a pain. And as I told Kevin when I mentioned to him about all the steps in the process and he suggested that I just forfeit the whole pursuit, "I'm from the mid-west. We drive cars. I'm getting the damn license."

It's been quite a morning. Besides my own private administrative drama, a woman had work is having one of her weekly meltdowns today. And I want to smack her so hard. She's one of those people whose own crazed state creates about 85% of the drama that she's constantly in a tizzy over. As in, she brings it on her damn self. I want to have empathy for her but it's hard. Because she's also one of those people who will make sure everyone around her knows the true extent to which she's in sheer agony over her very existence at any moment. She's got a "tough life," except she doesn't. As my friend Jess's friend once told her "build a bridge and get (the fuck) over it." I added the fuck part. Can you tell?

Wheeeeeeew.

So! Let's turn this frown upside down, right? It's a beautiful Friday. We've had impeccable weather here lately. The kind that, as I'm sure you've heard me say before, makes you feel suffocated to be indoors. I plan to go out for a long lunch break in a few minutes, maybe get a pedicure, maybe do some fruit shopping at the farmer's market, maybe both.

This morning! I woke up at 8:10! Ever closer to the goal! I was seriously pleased with that reality. I actually woke up at 6:58, naturally (because the cat was standing over me like a murderer, a hungry murderer) without the alarm, and probably could have stayed awake. The prospect was sort of lovely, but as I laid there and grinned about all the things I could do with the two whole hours before I had to leave the house, I fell back asleep. :)

But when the alarm went off at 8, I only snoozed it once, and then got up and took a nice long shower. It was so lovely to have some extra time. I came up with a few things I wanted to do when I got out of the shower. (Kevin, the dear, cleaned the bathroom yesterday! So awesome.) Of course when I did finally get out, I didn't have enough time to do all the stuff I'd imagined, but I was able to put away the clean dishes, do some more dishes, marinate some chicken, and tidy up the kitchen. And I also packed myself a lunch and got out the door in time for the earlier train. It was very nice.

Yesterday was a pretty good OP day. I'm doing well right now. I had lots of healthy foods for breakfast and lunch and snacks. And then I went to a pilates class after work. It was just eh. I've taken lots of pilates classes over the years and this teacher did not measure up. And the stuff he had us doing was lame. I sort of hated it. I'm sore today, but the class experience itself left a lot to be desired. He didn't even stretch us out at the end! Horrible management of time on his part. And he loved the sound of his own fucking voice, cracking stupid jokes, and over- explaining stuff almost just to prove that he knew what he knew. Whatever.

After the class, I stretched out for a good ten minutes on my own. It was really nice and really necessary. I'm tight from yoga, pilates, and running this week. My back has fared pretty well, I must say. Only a bit of occasional soreness, but nothing to be concerned about. And it feels pretty good today, actually. I'm so relieved to be able to exercise again.

I'm hoping to get some light cardio and/or a jog in tonight. We'll see. I don't really want to have to devote anytime to working out this weekend. Maybe I'll do some situps and pushups on Sunday, but beyond that, I plan to take it easy, so if I can get something in tonight after work, that would be ideal. I think I'll have time, all things considered, to do a once-around the park by our house tonight. A good 40 minutes. Perfect.

After I left the gym last night, I met up with my good friend Adam in Union Square for dinner. I was able to pop into TJ's to pick up a few things I'd missed earlier in the week just before I met him. It was so empty in there and the shelves were totally stocked - complete opposite from the last time I was there. It was a relief. Then Adam and I walked around the corner to one of my favorite asian-food places in the city and had some edamame and sake while we waited for his girlfriend Maggie and Kevin to both show up from their respective previous locations. It was a rather impromptu double date, but we ended up having such a nice time. We had good food and good chatter and it was fun. I definitely got pretty tipsy on sake and felt like I'd overeaten when I left the restaurant (but I hadn't really - I only had my own sushi and some bites of Adam's chicken) and I crashed when we got home. Kev did too. We were both exhausted. He actually fell asleep with a glass of water in his hand. Ha. (I found him before it got ugly.)

Tonight we might do dinner at the place we got the gift certificate to. And then maybe a friend's birthday drinks. Tomorrow I think we're going to the beach on Long Island and then to meet our friends' new baby in the evening! And maybe some dinner after that. And Sunday will be the local pool, lunch in the park, and then a fun bachelor auction at the theater where we do improv in the evening. I think it's gonna be another great weekend. Wahoo!

As far as dessert goes...

I'm having mine post-lunch right now. It's a chocolate brownie flavored organic fiber bar, called Gnu Bar, that I think tastes perfectly akin to a brownie, and is 140 calories and has a shit ton of fiber (2 ww points). And it's organic people. I'm having half of it right now, for a measly 70 cals, with some organic crunchy PB on it (meaning some more cals - heh heh). So it basically tastes like a double chocolate brownie surprise delight bar. Okay?

I'm having water too, because I haven't been having enough of it lately.

It is clearly a late-summer lunch hour in this office right now. So quiet.

I just got back from traveling to Daniel's house - my old house - to chat for a bit on my lunch break. It's gorgeous hot, almost too hot. I should have had some sunscreen on. I stopped to get a mini bagel with cream cheese and tomato slices from my very favorite bagel store in my old neighborhood; I ate that and half a peach and a small part of the salad I brought from home (salad: spinach, green peppers, feta, cranberries) but I was so generally full from the mini bagel and peach and several bites of salad that I couldn't finish the salad. And ain't no way I was slowing down on that bagel to spare me the room.

It was a delicious lunch. And I would love to have something else, but I didn't bring anything else so the joke's on me. And I'll have the other half of my Gnu Bar later today. And I've got bananas if things look desperate.

I am taking a pilates class tonight at the gym on 23rd and Park. I had to make a reservation because I guess that's a particularly full class (most of the locations don't require a reservation) so I made one first thing this morning when I got to work. That felt good to do. I'm looking forward to the class.

Can you tell I'm into gym classes this bi-week? I went to yoga last night for an hour at 7:30. Felt GREAT. Fuh real. Much better teacher than the last time, possibly a slightly easier class in terms of how much effort we exerted (and she skipped some poses that I was hoping to do) but she was generally much more clear about what we were doing, how it helps us, what to look for, all without talking too much. That was nice. I did a tiny bit, maybe 10 mins or less, of very light lifting just before the class began. Can't even really feel the lifting today. Maybe tomorrow. Hope not.

Yesterday on my lunch break I did 40 mins of cardio in the park! That was really good because it made me feel like I could enjoy yoga without it needing to be my only workout for the day. I ran for 30 and walked for 10 and it was HOT out there. I pushed through it at points, for sure. Lots of hills too.

And to round out the overreporting about my input/output, I had a single slice of cheese pizza for dinner after my yoga class and before my improv show. I debated for a long while about that decision because I sorta wanted to wait until I got home to eat something new and interesting from my TJ's bounty, but I also generally burn myself out if I wait until after these shows to eat dinner. It's a lesson I've learned (and suffered through in the form of an inevitable late night stomach-ache)time and again. So I grabbed the damn slice, even though it finished out my points for the day, and enjoyed every bite. I tried to have a little chocolate soy cream when I got home but I wasn't even hungry so I only had a few bites.

My improv show was a lot of fun last night. My team had such a blast doing the show and it was a pretty good one, I think.

This morning for breakfast, inspired by this blog, which my friend Jess linked to recently, I had oatmeal with a bunch of good shit in it: blueberries, strawberries, some almond butter, a couple almonds, a tab of honey. Couldn't finish it. It was too much food. (Whut.) It was quite delicious.

So those are the mundane and finite details of my life in the last 12 hours as it relates to you know what.

I anticipate the rest of this day at work being slightly boring, perhaps I'll drum up some old filing to do or find another way to be productive. Perhaps not. We'll see. ;)

Hanging out with friend Adam tonight before he leaves for Burning Man. No idea what we'll do but I suppose I'll need dinner so it will involve that.

Almost the weekend! Our landladies gave us a gift certificate to a Tex Mex place in our 'hood as a thank you for caring for their cats when they were away. Can't wait to use it up - maybe soon.

Update: just had this affirming chat with the boyfriend:

him: oh man i just made the most amazing meal
me: ha
him: thanks for the shopping hon
me: you're welc. what did you make
him: sauteed chicken, chopped red onion, garlic, spinach with the pasta (org. whole wheat pasta we boiled the other night) and crumbled feta. brilliant
me: haa
him: dunno what its called
me: that's great babe! i bet it's delish
him: i'll make it for ya if ya'd like
me: aw, sure! feels productive, don't it
him: feels good yes dear.
me: good.
him: ok gonna go eat it.

Summaaaah

Mid-afternoon update: Just ate the most deliciously juicy and wonderful peach, which I bought last week at the farmer's market. It was surprisingly filling and so incredibly yummy and it's moments like these that I hope against hope for a smart phone with great picture taking abilities so I might blog more affectively my triumphs. Boyfriend? Do you read this? SMART PHONE.

Morning Glory

I'm trying something new this week, to help with my overall life's happiness. This might sound silly to those of you who are able to pop out of bed at 5:15am without a second thought (Jess...;), but for me who would sleep until 12noon every day if it didn't mean having to miss an entire morning (also if I didn't have to go to stupid work), it's a true effort.

I'm now trying to gradually reset my body clock to wake up earlier so that I can actually have a morning before work and get some stuff done - stuff like a short workout or cooking breakfast!! Inspired, right?

It's a brilliant plan on paper. I realized I've been bitching and moaning, on here and outloud to Kevin and in my head to myself, about how little time I have to myself when things are in full swing in my life. I get out of work at 7pm each night, a reality which regularly pains me, and I, more often than not, have somewhere to be by 7:30. So my opportunities for time to myself in the ways of cleaning my house, exercising, cooking, relaxing, blogging are often relegated to my lunch hours, occasional free evenings (some of which I'd like to spend just hanging out with my boyfriend), and weekends, weekends which generally tend to be way too busy and filled with other non-relaxing obligations anyway.

But I don't have to be at work until 10am. I leave the house for work around 9. Which means I usually wake up at 8:41. Ish. Yup. I'm one of those. I would sleep until 8:59 if I could get ready in 60 seconds.

So the best solution, it seems, is to fucking train myself to be a more willing early riser. If I could get up at 8, I'd have a good 40 minutes to do stuff before having to shower or throw on some clothes. If I could get up BEFORE 8 (whaaaaaa??) - you get the idea.

This new plan involves going to bed earlier, which is more than fine by me. I'm a sleep hog. Though I think Kevin would prefer we stayed up until 4am. He's a night owl. I've been dragging him over to my side, slowly but surely. I used to be a night owl, but in the last year or two I've gotten old. Because if I'm not asleep by 1am, forget it. I prefer to go to bed in the 11 o'clock hour. And if it's before 11, I could die from joy. Basically, the saying, "sleep when you're dead" is an hilarious joke to me. No thanks. I'll sleep NOW.

So. The last two days haven't been such big successes in terms of this new plan. I've gotten up between 8:15 and 8:30 most mornings. Seems like a ridiculously negligble difference from 8:40, but it's the best I got. And this is the training period. Hopefully tomorrow I can do 8:10! Wouldn't that be a miracle.

Nothing spectacular has happened with these extra minutes so far. I feel less rushed and have been able to sit in my underwear watching the weather report, rather than turning up the volume so I can hear it as I get dressed. But it's practice. Today I was able to make myself breakfast and put together some lunch and snacks to bring in to work. So that's nice. If I can do that most days, I will be pleased.

But ideally I'll be able to do that and also do 25 minutes of pilates or maybe (maybe!) even go for a quick jog through the park. Well, let's not get ahead of ourselves. But that is the dream.

I sound like a sleep-challenged 8 year old. "I can't get up before 8:30!! Waaah!" But I can't! Sigh.

Feeling good today. FINALLY went to TJ's last night, whew, and did a big shop. Got lots of great stuff, some different stuff than my usual, a lot of it organic, all of it whole, natural, healthy, much to the boyfriend's dismay of course. (Him: What's flax seed? Me: Don't worry about it.) There were a few items I couldn't find, didn't have the patience to look for (the store was a fucking shit show last night, a mad house - insane with shoppers), or forgot I needed, so I've made a quick list of those and I'll try to pick them up tonight or tomorrow.

When I got home, he was still working, so I made us some dinner. I had no idea what to make, because it suddenly felt like there was nothing to eat ;), so I boiled some organic whole wheat pasta, sauteed some veggies and garlic, cooked a few strips of low sodium bacon, and tossed it all together with feta, olive oil, and a little bit of pesto. It was sooooooo yum. Proud of myself for venturing out of my cooking comfort zones lately. We also had a simple spinach and romaine salad on the side.

Then for dessert I had some yummy all-natural pound cake (120 calories for a huge huge chunk) with a piece of brownie that I stole from work and some organic strawberries and raspberries. Twas yum. Felt stuffed when it was over. And watched Shawn Johnson win the gold on the balance beam, which was a delight. Love those gymnastics. We went to bed shortly after.

I woke up this morning and made us both egg sandwiches while Kevin got right to work, wrapped mine up to bring into work to have at my desk with my iced coffee, and got together some fruit, some trail mix, an organic fiber bar, and some frozen tamales to bring into work for lunch, got dressed, and got going. Kev has been walking me to the subway each morning, since he's working from home. It's very sweet. It was so beautiful this morning, I almost starting crying that I have to waste the day being inside. I wish I wish I wish for a life that is not spent in an office. And I will get there. Somehow.

I plan to take another run on my lunch break today. And I think I will also hit a yoga or pilates class tonight, depending on which class is available at which gym. (I belong to a gym with lots of different locations.) I have an improv show at 9:30 tonight, which I'm looking forward to. Then I think I'll stick around to watch another improv show and then head home to, possibly, do a few chores before bed. I'd like to get those taken care of tonight and tomorrow evening so I can have my weekend free. and. clear.

This weekend, as I'm sure you're sick of hearing by now, I will read and exercise and lay in the sun and eat yummy foods and swim and soak up this beautiful weather.

And then next weekend it's off to Chicago! To see my family! I think I'll ask my mom to book Kevin and I at a great massage place in town. I will surprise him with it. He will really need it.

Alls well that ends well...

I'm eating a most delicious cookie right now. Dessert after lunch.

..Moving on.

Weigh-in was this morning, thank GOD I'm down three pounds from the drama of last week's weigh-in. I didn't even do that much this week to warrant that loss, but the week before, the week of my back mess and subsequent no-exercise/self-pity-induced-eat-what-I-want-like-a-baby regime, was more than enough to warrant the gain. I'm still a couple pounds above the lowest I was a few weeks ago, but whatever. All's well that ends well. I don't sweat it. In fact, I'd actually forgotten what I'd gained until I logged in to track my weight today and saw last week's entry. It was kind of nice to realize that I hadn't been obsessing about it all week.

My friend Kathleen wrote an entry today that made me chuckle. She was talking about how at parties where there is food it's next to impossible for her to just "be" there and have a drink in her hand and stay away from the food table, or if she's staying away from it, to avoid obsessing about it constantly. I couldn't agree more. She mentioned that she's always thinking about her next meal, that she's thinking about food when she goes to sleep and wakes up. I could probably put myself in that category too.

The truth is, it's a goddammed addiction. I wonder if naturally thin people roll their eyes at that (come roll them to my face then, you butts), but after years of being overweight, a few devastatingly painful years of being beyond overweight i.e. obese and in agony, and now six years of being varying degrees of not-overweight, if I have come to any conclusion, it is this one: People with weight problems have weight problems because their relationship to food, in one way another, is not Normal. Like, deep down, in their genes, not normal. And believe it or not, they've proven that it doesn't begin as an emotional problem or a response to emotions. People who are fat get fat because they're genetically more susceptible to being fat - either they can't taste food the way other people can or they don't register feeling full the way other people do or they don't have that internal barometer for eating a balanced diet that other people might or they experience higher than normal levels of dopamine (feel-good hormones) when eating than other people do. And they gain weight because their eating is not normal. THEN being heavier than other people makes them depressed and lonely and they aren't having sex or going out or if they are it's not satisfying or fulfilling like the food feels, which makes them turn to the one thing that does feel good. Duh. And so the cycle begins and so it continues.

It's sad, really. Because it's a lonely road for a lot of people.

And now that I've been able to keep this weight off, I still have to shake my head at how OBSESSED I can be with food. Some might suggest (my loving boyfriend) that writing a whole blog about food and exercise and what I eat and what I want to eat is actually making worse that obsession but (as I kindly told him before I kicked him) I think, in fact, that it does the opposite. It's a place for me to channel the obsession, for me to work it out for myself, for me to talk out loud and get occasional feedback and contribute to a community that I'm so proud to be a part of. It makes it so the obsession is just a low hum rather than a roar.

But yup. Obsessed. With food. I think it's been worse before in life, the obsession, but I dont think it will ever go away completely. I don't think I'll ever be "cured." I will still stand at a party with a food table, DYING inside over how much there is to eat and how badly I want a taste of EVERYTHING and how sick these asshole thin people are who are just casually standing here like it's no big fucking deal. These are the same people who don't seem to have to pinch their own thighs to keep from mauling the guy carrying the passed finger foods. These people are not me and I am not them.

Whew.

In other news, I'm feelin good today. It was another not-perfect food week this past week, as I mentioned. I make some stupid choices sometimes. But I also make some great ones. So whatcha gon do. I'm glad it's a new week, I got lots of healthy, natural, whole, organic foods at my house right now (we've been picking things up piece meal for a few days since we haven't gotten to the store for a big run) and I hope to get to TJ's tonight to round out the supply. Can't wait to buy some stuff I've been dying to have on hand for a while now, specifically ALMOND BUTTER (yummmm) and edamame. Weird, I know. At least when you're obsessed with food, for me at least, it doesn't matter if it's good-for-you food or shitty food, as long as it tastes good.

I didn't end up doing the gym on my lunch break yesterday. I did take a brisk-ish 40 min walk in Central Park, but I had my regular day clothes on so it didn't feel like an official workout.

Today I went for a 30 minute jog in the park (put on my exercise clothes for this one) and it was nice. It's only the second time I've jogged since my back went out, and only the first time I've jogged outside since then, so I was pleased with my output. I'm hoping to have a really good exercise week, filled with lots of different ways of movin my bod, because the last two weeks have left plenty to be desired in the ways of physical activity. Understandably so, but still.

It's only Tuesday but I'm already looking forward to another weekend of summer fun. Hopefully some lunch in the park, some outside hikes, some beach or pool time (or both!), some lazying around and reading, some drinking. ;) I'll try to get all my chores and tasks done during the week so I don't have shit to worry about from Friday evening to Monday morning. Poor Kev will still have to work this weekend, but the end is in sight there. I want to do something nice for him to mark the occasion.

I'm enjoying the hell out of the Olympics, btw. And I thought Nastia was ROBBED of the gold on the uneven bars. The Chinese girl who tied with Nastia and ultimately won the gold because of a stupid accounting rule had several errors, not to mention! she didn't stick her dismount! WTF?! A gold medal awarded to the girl who didn't stick her dismount!? And Nastia's was perfect?? What can we believe in if this is how the world is run!? I'll still watch more tonight though. Can't wait.

Back to work. Blaaaaaaaaargh.

oh, p.s.! I tried one of those new Dunkin Donuts egg-white flat bread sandwiches for breakfast this morning. It's not exactly organic, natural food by any means, but I was dying to try it. For 280 calories, 6 points, it was incredibly tasty. Some fiber in it too. I had the turkey sausage one. I'd definitely get it again. Yum.

I <3 August.

What a lovely weekend I ended up having. I could not be more pleased with how it turned out. The weather ended up being absolutely perfect on both days, mid-80's with plenty of sun and occasional cloud coverage for relief. I know mid-80's aren't everyone's cup of tea but it's my very favorite weather.

Friday night, Kev and I had a fight but we made up. I can't even remember exactly what we were fighting about now, but we must have talked it out. He's been working a lot this month and as I mentioned before, this is actually the first time in the course of our serious relationship (the times it happened when we were just casually seeing each other don't count) that he's had to work these hours to this degree. Maybe that's not entirely true, but this is the first time I can remember being affected by it so much.

He's working from home, for the most part. It's nice because it means I still get to see him, but it's deceptive because when someone is home, you assume you can talk to them and interact with them as though they're available to you. And he's just not right now. Because he's literally working constantly. So it's been an adjustment for both of us. I think I've gotten used to the idea now, though, that it's not something he can control and I need to lay the fuck off. :D

This particular job will be over at the end of August, and we're both looking forward to its completition. I'm sure he more than me. He's really burnt out.

I woke up on Saturday absolutely determined to get to either a beach or a pool. There are both within reasonable travel distance from our house. I told Kevin that I was going and I hoped he could come but that I just had to go without him if he couldn't. I've been desperate to achieve this mini-goal of getting to the water for a good portion of the summer. He totally understood.

Luckily!, he was able to peel away from the job for a few hours, news that was met with cheers from both of us. So I walked to get us iced coffees and I made us some quick egg sandwiches (with organic eggs and organic whole grain bread) while he finished up some odds and ends and then we got our shit together and got outta the house. I was just elated. We took a car to the pool and it was a short ride. I was like an 11 year old when we arrived. I was seriously beyond thrilled to have even just actually made it to the pool, I didn't even care what happened once we got inside.

It turned out to be a really gorgeous pool, for city-pool standards. It's one of two city pools (out of the dozens, if not hundreds of pools in the city) that have been rated "Excellent" in several of the publications I've read that have rated city pools for the summer. And we'd also gotten a tip from our landladies that this pool was as good as we'd heard. And we weren't disappointed. It's olympic sized, so clean, so quiet, and it was perfect weather for sun bathing and swimming. They have lots of rules at this pool, probably to help keep it clean and nice for everyone, but I didn't mind.

We had such a nice time, relaxing in the sun and swimming, during which we ended up having this really lovely chat about our individual and collective futures, about the dreams and goals we both have for our lives together and separately, about how much I need to know "what's next" in terms of my day job reality, how much I want to make a plan to exit this job in the next year, and how that might impact us together. The conversation began by my explaning the things my back injury made me realize about slowing down and taking more time for myself and my interests. And then it morphed into what exactly I think I want to start exploring as a way to broaden my horizons. I talked about nutrition and organic living and writing and other different things that inspire and interest me; the things I could see myself focusing on more so that eventually "do what you love and the money will follow" can someday come true for me. Comedy and performance is certainly fun and enjoyable but I don't think it's quite enough, spiritually, for me to feel happy and fulfilled forever. It's fun for now, but I want to put some more eggs in some more baskets. So we talked about what might be next for me.

It led me to set a goal for myself about exiting this job - which I now hope to do by my 29th birthday - in 1 year and 2.5 months - and also to set the goal that in order to do that, I have to know that my next job won't be in just another office environment and won't be just another pay-the-bills position. I want to embark on something greater. And I really want to think outside the box to get there. If that means going back to school, so be it, if it means making some major changes, so be it.

Kevin was extremely, as always, supportive of that stuff and talked about his own desires to make his career into something that can serve his life, rather than the other way around. So we'll see where this leads us but it was nice to have a conversation about the bigger picture. It's easy to forget that there's more than the day to day.

After the pool closed (they close every day from 3-4pm so they can clean it, then they reopen from 4-7) we saw a park across the street and a woman with a plate of amazing looking food walked by us and then we saw these food trucks with incredibly long lines of people waiting. Long lines = amazing food. So we did a little quick research of the different food options and ended up waiting in line for some really delicious, authentic, El Salvadorian food. (Hoping to go back soon to try another truck, which had the longest line, and the BEST looking food.) It was really fun.

We were just about to make our way back to our apartment when we realized the brand new ikea that they just built in Brooklyn was literally steps away from where we were. So we walked over there, of course, because we had to check it out, and ended up going through the whole store, still in our pool outfits (!), discussing home decor and picking up some shit for the kitchen. It was fun, although pretty exhausting. Kev was a great sport about it.

We took the shuttle bus (they have a bunch of shuttle buses that leave constantly from this new ikea) back into the more accessible part of Brooklyn and cabbed home from there. Kev had to get right to work when we got home - he'd even missed some important stuff while we were off playing and had to be on his blackberry for some of the afternoon - but later on we ordered in thai food and watched the Olympics and all around it was a pretty fantastic day. It felt like the summer day I've been craving for so long.

The following day, Sunday, I had plans to get up early and meet my best friends for a trip to Six Flags! Wahooo!!! I was pissed when the alarm went off at 8am on a Sunday, but it was such a gorgeous morning - another perfect mid-80's day with plenty of sun - that I didn't mind once I got outside. I met them in the city and we drove to New Jersey and arrived at Six Flags around 11am. It was about a 2 hour drive, which I wasn't expecting, but it was fine.

We had a great day at the park. I won't bore you with all the details except to say that we went on the "tallest, fastest coaster in the world," which is called Kingda Ka. And it was absolutely awful. It certainly is the fastest. WAAAAY too fast. 288 mph or something insane. And the body really feels that. And the body hates it. It's pretty much the scariest most awful feeling coaster I've ever been on. A lady who road before us actually got a bloody nose either from the speed or the elevation and was bleeding all over the place when she returned to the platform. The ride itself is maybe 25 seconds long, if that, and it's about 20 seconds too many. I hated it so much, kept my eyes closed the whole time, and was shaking like a leaf, as were most people, when I got off. Awful.

BUT! The day was not lost. We road a bunch of other great rides, ate some craaaaap (funnel cake!), went on a couple water rides, talked and laughed. All in all it was pretty great. We waited in line a lot too. As is the case at theme parks. But it could have been a lot worse. We were so totally exhausted when we got in the car to drive home, had a quiet drive back, and I finally got back to Brooklyn around 11, I think. And Kev, who had to stay home to work all day, was STILL WORKING! when I got home! The poor guy. I was so happy to see him though. And we had a brief chat at the end of the night before bed. He'd DVR'd some Olympics for me, the sweetheart, so I got to watch gymnastics and other awesome stuff. Fun. Crashed so hard when I got into bed. I'm still tired today.

So it was a great weekend for me. It terms of accomplishing the chore-like stuff I'd hoped to, Kevin did laundry and we tidied up a little and did some dishes and generally created some order in the place, but I never got to the grocery store. :( Wah waaaah. Alas, I'll make due and I think I can go, if not later tonight, tomorrow.

All in all, I will have had 5 free weekends without HST shows this August. This past weekend was the third weekend. During the first weekend, it rained a lot, and I basically spent it sleeping, exercising, and cleaning. I needed to do all three of those desperately, so it just fine. The second weekend we spent out of town with our friends Faryn and David, plus my back was out, so we spent some of it laying around watching tv (and Kevin worked). I enjoyed that weekend a lot too, despite the back injury. This past weekend, of course, was summer joyful delight, which is all I ever really want. And of the two remaining weekends, one, Labor Day, will be spend in Chicago with my family (I'm going home for a long weekend and Kevin's joining me, which is great. His gig will be wrapped by then.), and the other, next weekend, will hopefully be spent much like this past weekend. Swimming, sunning, relaxing, beaching, eating new interesting foods and trying new things. I love it.

So far, August has been rejuvinating for me, exactly as I've needed it to be. Work is a little stressful sometimes and I hate being stuck inside on gorgeous days, but the time off from comedy has been and is still so essential. With the extra room in my brain, and a back injury to slow me down for a few days, I'm learning so much about myself, my relationship, and ultimately what I want and need to be happy and fulfilled and what we, as a couple, need to stay healthy and strong. And most importantly, I'm becoming open to getting to those hard-to-reach places of my desires in life, the stuff well beyond lose the weight, pay off the debt, and generally stop fucking up, the stuff that comes NOW, now that all that has been accomplished. I know that I am capable of making seemingly unattainable things happen. And I'm really enjoying discovering exactly what the new list of those things will be and how I'm going to begin to execute them. It's baby steps for sure, but to take even one tiny baby step makes the picture in my imagination that much brighter.

Whew.

On a food and exercise front, I had a great workout on Friday, two active days on Saturday and Sunday, and I hope to get something light in today on my lunch break. It will probably just be a walk to the gym, some time on the treadmill, and a walk home. But that's better than nothing.

I certainly ate plenty this weekend - enjoying myself and thinking of calories later. I'm not gonna sweat it though. Every day is a new day. (Now if the nice coffee cart guy could STOP GIVING ME FREE DONUTS (one of which I just had half of as dessert after lunch) I WOULD BE GRATEFUL! I love him and his coffee but I might have to start going to another cart to avoid the caloric pitfalls.

Bed.

Blogging more is fun right now. And helpful, I think, in terms of the health stuff. I'm about to head to bed, but I thought I'd do a quick update since I'm already on the computer.

I walked to the gym after work and did a nice 50 minutes on the treadmill. I ran for 20! I was surprised at that, but my back didn't bother me much at all and I probably could have gone for longer. It just felt a little tight, but nothing that seemed worth stopping. I finished just as the yoga class was beginning and I popped right in. I haven't taken a yoga class in ages. It wasn't hard by any means and it definitely felt good on my body at points. I wasn't crazy about it overall, though. I thought the teacher didn't give much information to the people who were new to the class. Luckily I've taken enough yoga in the past so I knew what to expect and how to properly do some of the moves but there were people there who'd never even taken a single yoga class before and I'm sure they didn't know exactly how they should be doing some of the poses. And she didn't explain at all, beyond just saying "now do this, now this." So I'd grade it a C+ probably. The website also said that this particular class would focus on seated poses, which it did not. We were on our feet a lot of the time. C+. Meaning, I would like to try another teacher. But it did feel good for the most part.

It was so nice to realize how different my body is now from years ago in terms of doing yoga. I did a lot of yoga and yoga-like-stuff in acting school because that's just what you do in acting school. You learn to be "in" your body and you use various body-work to get there. And I remember distinctly that there were certain poses and movements that were impossible to do or that felt so hard. I breezed through most of them tonight, without much pain or strain. It was so great. Even now, six years after beginning my weight loss journey, I sometimes forget that I'm not big anymore.

At one point, my shirt was getting in the way (had on a big t-shirt), so I just took it off! And finished the class in my sports bra and exercise capris. This is not a big deal, really, but I'm sure you can imagine there was a time when I would not have been caught DEAD...I didn't look like a supermodel by any means. But I wasn't ashamed. In my later twenties, especially in the last year, I've become more and more comfortable with and accepting of my body. Even after I first lost weight, I sorta still hated my body. Now, I'm like, I've worked damn hard to get here. And it's not perfect. And I love that. So it felt good to be shame-free today in yoga.

After class was over - and I did feel nice and relaxed and in a zombie like zone - I went to Whole Foods and got a little bit of pizza and some salad from the buffet for dinner. Just a quick bite before my show.

Then schlepped over to do the show, it was fun, and afterwards Kev and I opted to just head home and relax, rather than go out. So here we are. We're in a bit of a fight. :) Siiiigh. Ah, yes. Still working out the kinks of domestic bliss. Nobody said it would be seamless. Also, I might kill him.

Looking forward to my weekend. Hope it's nice weather. But if not, I'll just have to research healthy recipes and plan and prepare organic meals for the week. So, I'm covered on all fronts.

Thinking a lot about my friend Jess this week. She knows it, I hope. I'm really proud of her.

Oh boy oh boy.

Sometimes I just wonder about life, yaknow? Like, there are days when it feels like it's not gonna get any easier. Of course, I don't have it so bad, I'm well aware of that. But I'm feeling overwhelmed today. I'm not even sure what I'm feeling overwhelmed with, but I do feel like I haven't been able to catch my breath yet today. I'm sure that will pass.

Kevin has been working a lot for the last couple weeks. Just before August began he landed a big jog that will be pretty lucrative for him. It only lasts the month of August, which is not too long at all. But it has meant that he's working weekends and working late into the evenings. When I first met him this was the kind of lifestyle he was leading - working nonstop. He eventually slowed down a bit and started to focus on things outside of work until he ultimately left his career (!) to take a bunch of time off and just chill out a bit. He then slowly started back to work after taking an entire summer off, nothing fulltime, just freelance and consulting work here and there, while doing voice over stuff and acting stuff for enjoyment, and sometimes pay, on the side. He's a producer, so he can just as easily work freelance/work from home as he can have a 9-5 (or, in this industry 10-10) type job where he's beholden to a company. And the freelance thing he's been doing since he left his company has suited him much better. It has been so nice to watch him transform from someone who's identity is his stressful job into someone who doesn't want to be held down by anything and instead wants to create his own path to financial stability, while concentrating more on his happiness and sense of self outside a strict career. I'm not sure if we would have lasted if he'd stayed in that stressful job - it took so much away from him and made him so unhappy so often.

These few weeks of him working those hours again have been nothing compared to the stress level he used to experience at his job, but it's a firm reminder that that lifestyle is so hard to maintain and just terrible for one's mental and physical health. And it sucks not to have him to myself evenings and weekends. I miss him and I don't feel connected to him at all right now. I hate it.

Also, this woman at work has been going out to "run errands" all day every day for the last week because our boss is on vacation which means it's a good time for her to get stuff done. I'm sure she's mostly doing things for the office, but I'm also sure she takes her sweet time. And I've been left to answer her phones all week long. It's rather annoying and can be occasionally stressful. I'm just generally pissed about my job right now. I want to cry over how much I don't want to be here sometimes.

On a lighter note, my back is feeling much better. Yesterday was the first day, after 4-5 days of pain, that I felt relatively normal again. There's still plenty of soreness in the area where it was hurt, but now it just feels like I lifted something heavy a day ago. So that's definite progress. I took a muscle relaxer last night although I'm not sure it did much. To the tune of $87 for the pills, I'm wondering if I can just return the effing prescription. ($87 because I had to also pay the $50 deductible. I almost cried.) But I suppose I'll just keep the stupid pills in case this happens again. The doc wants me to take them for a few weeks at bedtime but I just hate being filled with medication, so we'll see.

I guess I'm also stressed about money right now. Ugh. I'm just pissed. I'm pissed and stressed and I hate everything. How's that for pouting. ;)

Tonight, after work, I shall make my triumphant return to the gym! Wahoo! I haven't worked out at all since the back happened, so it's been about 8 days without exercise. That's torturous to me, to be honest. I realized last night that when I'm not exercising I have this irrational fear that I'm going to balloon-up over night. Silly, but it's there, under the surface.

So to combat it, I had two slices of pizza for dinner last night! That was fun. I was going to go to the store to pick up something to make for dinner - I haven't been able to get to the grocery store since before my injury so we're runnin LOW - but when I left work it was pouring rain, I was so hungry, and I knew I wasn't going to feel like cooking. After a half-assed walk through of the market near my office (who's prices, compared to TJ's, made me sick) I put the few items I'd lazily tossed into my basket back on the shelf. I'd told Kevin I would pick something up (he was working from home until late) and I decided we were both gonna have two slices of pizza and I wasn't cooking and that would be that. It was, of course, so incredibly yummy and delicious, this pizza. And even though I still felt a little guilty afterwards, it was nice to remind myself as I consumed it that I chose this meal consciously, made us both eat some fruit before we got to have the pizza, and sometimes I get to have two slices of pizza. ROAR. ;) I also had a few bites of ice cream before bed. Tee hee.

This weekend, come hell or high water, I'm going to Trader Joe's. I'm gonna be really low on funds for the next two weeks, having spent a lot lately on I'm-not-even-sure-what, so I need to make a nice big TJ's run that will last us for a while, complete with plenty of stuff so I can eat-in and bring my lunch from home. I've been creating a pretty good list of stuff to have on hand in the last few days and I think I'll try to come up with some dinner ideas and plan ahead about them too. Having the space and option to cook and eat food that we make at home has been my dream for a while now, so it's nice to finally be able to fulfill it. We've been doing pretty well so far, but I'm excited to get even more organized about it.

The house is a mess right now. With Kevin working constantly and me not being able to move around for several days in a row, stuff is just a mess. And I'm pissed. At who? I have no idea. But I just am. Are we sensing a theme here?

Today is not a great day, I guess. I got plenty of sleep last night (got in bed at 10:30!) but I'm feelin a little grumpy. I wonder if it's because of the dreary rainy yuck going on outside. I have no desire to do anything other than cuddle up on the couch and watch tv all day long.

I have an improv show tonight, Jen+Steve, my two-person show with my friend Steve. It's at 930. I'm looking forward to it. And I'm also looking forward to the several hours after work (we usually get out at 7, but we get out at 5 on Fridays in the summer) and before the show wherein I'm going to go to the gym and maybe take myself out to dinner.

I'm looking forward to the gym tonight. I think I will try to do a nice long cardio session, maybe an hour? I need it. If my back begins to hurt I'll stop or take a break. I'm not sure if I'll be able to run, so I might just hike for as long as I can and maybe try to run a few mins here and there just to remind my body how that feels. I'm anxious to get back to running soon, especially since the fall weather is so great for jogs. But I can't push it with the back. It's only been a week without exercise, but I'm scared I've already lost running capacity. We'll see! I think I'll also attempt some pilates tonight. I might even try a yoga class. We'll see what the back can handle. It's sore now even as I type this so I think some advil is going to be required before my workout.

I want to get a lot done this weekend, business and pleasure wise. I want to clean the house, for sure, and get things back into a working order. I want to get to the grocery store and maybe even prep a few meals for the week. I also want to spend some time in the sun, weather permitting, and spend some time exercising, body permitting. And I think I'm going to six flags on Sunday with some friends! I can't really afford it right now, the rental car or the day at the expensive amusement park, and I'm not sure how my back will fare, I will almost certainly have to skip some rides, but I will be sad if I don't go. My best friends are going, Randy and Daniel, and I'd hate to miss it. We've been talking about trying to get to the six flags since we moved to New York 10 years ago!

That's it for now. Hoping to write something more cheerful soon. For now, sigh. It's all a mountain.

Update: The sun came out. :) And I found a nearby gym that has a yoga class at 6:30. I'm leaving work now, going to head over there, waste some time on the treadmill, and then hit the yoga class. Also I went to the farmers market at lunch and got some yummy ruffage. This day might just be shaping up.

New.

Soooo....

In an unexpected turn of events, I threw my back out.

Now, let me first start by saying that I have actually never had this happen to me before. I only know to even call it what it is because I've watched various family members and friends experience it in the past. And the moment I realized I was injured I knew exactly what it is. Thrown-out back. In the garbage, this back. No good.

Let me just backtrack and fill you in on the last few days.

I lifted on Wednesday of last week and did some new lunge thing that ended up kicking my ass (er..thighs). I blogged about it below. I was hurtin. I wasn't injured, I was just SO sore. This limping and hobbling and nursing of the completely fatigued thigh muscles went on for two days.

Friday night Kevin and I grilled out with Daniel, made the most delicious summer dinner on the grill complete with locally farmed corn on the cob, veggie kebabs, and this incredible honey mustard chicken, the marinade for which I conceived of all by my lonesome. (Bought some local honey at the farmer's market that day and didn't have anything to marinate the chicken in. Saw brown mustard in the fridge, remembered the honey, mixed them up, felt like a gourmet chef. Am not. It's the little things.)

It was a lovely night all-around, despite the fact that I consumed a bit too much white wine and a bit too many sweets after dinner. I went to sleep early on Friday night, really looking forward to the next morning when we were going to be going away for an overnight with friends.

I felt a tightness in my back when I got into bed, but I didn't think much of it - I'd been so sore for the last two days that everything hurt. I was careful not to move around too weird as I was falling asleep and figured I'd wake up in the morning feeling fine.

Not so. I woke up at 4am, intuitively, because I'd been trying to roll over for the last hour in my asleep and hadn't been able to. I was literally unable to move from the position I was in. Something in the lower left quadrant of my back was causing me excruciating pain and was not allowing me to move at all. I finally sat up, which took a good 5 minutes, and tried to stand, knowing I needed to get to the living room floor. That wasn't happening either. So I woke up Kevin. I didn't want to freak him out by acting like it was an emergency so I was very calm about it. "Honey. Wake up. I have a little problem." "Mm? What?" "I can't move. I think I threw out my back." He instantly jumped up and helped me.

The rest of the weekend was rough. I went on the damn overnight anyway, because I REALLY wanted to and because we would have been charged for the hotel anyway, as it was too late to cancel. That might sound crazy, but I was actually fine. It was nice to get out of the city and relax a bit with my friends. We drove everywhere we went in a borrowed car and mostly just chilled out. I wasn't able to lay on my back all day but I stayed pretty still nonetheless. We ended up having a great time with our friends.

When I got home on Sunday, though, I crashed, laying around for basically two days straight, popping advil and rubbing icy hot on my body at every opportunity. I slept a lot, took Monday off work, and stayed flat on my back. I finally woke up on Tuesday morning feeling like I could walk to the subway and make it into work. I did leave early from work that day, though, in the interest of more rest.

So, long story longer, this pain began on Saturday morning and today, Wednesday, I'm finally feeling a bit like myself again. I'm not completely mobile yet and I'm still being very ginger and gentle with all my movements, but I can walk upright and am not in serious agony for most of the day. This is big progress.

I just got back from the doctor, in fact, and she thinks I have some chronic inflammation in this one particular area of my back, which sometimes pinches me from time to time and has for as long as I can remember. This spot, where I sometimes have twinges while stretching or walking, is the same spot that completely freaked out and riddled me practically paralyzed on Saturday. She said that the lunges I did at the gym combined with walking around funny for two days because I was gym-sore probably caused this inflammation to worsen to the point where the back spasmed intensely in order to avoid spinal injury. This sounds like a good diagnosis on paper, but I'm not entirely sure that that's exactly what's going on. But I'm going to take her word for it (she was a great doctor, very communicative and helpful), follow her treatment schedule, and if it doesn't get better, we'll explore physical therapy. Anyway, she said prescribed me a muscle relaxer and wants me to take advil twice a day for 30 days, not for pain, but as an inflammation treatment. And the muscle relaxer at night as needed. So I'm gonna do that, be aware of my posture, slowly start to exercise again, and see what happens.

Needless to say, I haven't worked out since before this happened, which is really no fun at all. I don't necessarily mind the enforced time away from exercise, but I also DO mind it completely and am ready to be done with it asap. The doctor actually said I can return to exercise as long as I'm not hurting. Thank GOD.

I went for a light, gentle walk last night, the first exercise-like thing I've done since this happened. I put on tennis shoes and walked in the nearby park. A route that usually takes me 15 minutes took 45. That's how slow-moving I was. I couldn't physically walk any faster. I tried. But my entire back just felt locked up; it wouldn't let me move. It felt good to be out getting some blood pumping but it was also discouraging to see how much this injury has impacted my ability to move normally - basically overnight! So infuriating. While on the walk, I got really sore and my back got really tired after about 20 minutes. (I couldn't turn back though - Bob Dylan was playing a concert in the park and I had to walk by and check it out! I did. It was so great. This part of Brooklyn was an atmospheric delight last night, with everyone out on blankets or lawn chairs, with their partners or babies or dogs, listening to great music in the beautiful summer evening weather.) I called Kevin to come get me in a cab though (he was at a meeting nearby) because I didn't think I could walk home.

If anything, this has made me realize a couple things. I need to slow down. I mean that in a big and small way.

On the small scale, I need to take more time with my exercise - if I'm going to squeeze in a workout on my lunch break, I need to sacrifice a few minutes of the actual exercise to make sure I'm stretching out plenty before and after and warming up and cooling down as best as I can. I'm not 20 years old anymore, ya know? In general, the mental and physical stress of trying to cram a whole trip to the gym, there and back, undressed and redressed, into 60 minutes, might just be something I'm going to have to put on the back burner for a while. I think I might just be trying to do too much and it's not worth it. I don't do it intentionally but I'm sure I sometimes hurry through lifting workouts or speed-through my stretches and that can be dangerous. Oh, if only I had 3 hours a day to spend on a nice long workout with plenty of luxurious stretching.

And on the large scale, in general, I just need to slow the fuck down. In life. I'm doing too much. I'm busy every single night, always. I am always making plans to squeeze things in and please everyone and please myself and please my boyfriend and do my workouts and be a good employee. It's too much. I'm running on empty half the time and I'm always rushing around with only 30 minutes to travel from point A to B for the next thing. It's always the next thing, the next thing. A lot of it is obligatory. But some of it is just self-imposed.

I know I'm better at taking time for myself than some people are and I never have considered myself one of those people that will give out too much before she gives inward, but it's all relative. And even though I might not have as big a hill to climb in terms of taking care of myself first as some other women do, I still need to recognize my own sliding scale of self focus, and the bottom line is that I'm not giving myself enough right now and I need to turn it inward for a while. I don't think I'm on the verge of anything terrible if I don't do that, but having this back injury time where I was basically removed from normal life and removed from an ability to move through life at my normal pace has forced me to reflect a bit. I realize now that this pace might be too hard to maintain and get away without eventually burning out.

I don't necessarily think that this back injury happened in order to remind me of that, but I can't help but ask myself, what did I do to contribute to this injury and can I try to avoid that behavior in the future? And I think all of that overall points to needing to take more time with myself and my body and being more patient and less stressed out.

It was very hard for me to sit still on the days I laid at home and did nothing. I've never thought of myself as someone who has a hard time sitting still but I think the years living in New York City, operating at a big-city pace, and the challenges I've given myself in the ten years since I left my hometown have grown me into someone who doesn't often take moments to sit still and turn down the noise of it all. Now I'm naturally enclined to often be thinking what next. I don't want that. I don't want to be that person or live that life at ALL. I want to be healthy, active, and content, both physically and spiritually. And that has got to start with simply slowing down.

I also know I need to work on not emotionally internalizing the stuff that's going on outside of me all the time. I'm involved in a few groups and spend a lot of time with other people in professional and social atmospheres and the personality and social challenges can be exhausting. I am someone who craves and requires alone time, perhaps more than some other people do. So rather than try to run with the pack, I'm going to work on being content with my own pace and my own capacity for outside influence.

I have been focusing a lot on the comedy groups I'm in and I'm beginning to resent it. It's no one's fault but my own. And all it means is that I need to carve out some time to focus on my own desires and interests: pilates, yoga, running, healthy cooking, organic foods, general nutrition, meditation, volunteer work, writing, traveling, home-life. These are the things that bring me a general sense of peace and happiness - not for anything, or to any end - not to make a buck or start a career - just for me, to feel like Jen.

There are certain things I can't give up, certain days of the week that will not be my own for now, certain scheduling things that are what they are and aren't going to change anytime soon. But I can decide to reinvest in being wholly myself while I'm tending to those obligations, by emotionally disconnecting from other peoples' emotional drama, especially when it comes at me in a professional environment, in choosing to intellectually experience my professional relationships, rather than emotionally experience them, and in choosing to spend the time that I do have to myself feeding my mind and body healthy and enriching experiences that make me feel human. That's really important to me right now. I have to remember that I owe nothing to any person or thing. I only owe kindness to myself. Everyone else can take a damn number. Hallelujah, Amen? ;)

Sounds like a lot to get out of a back injury, huh? It was. It's not some huge life overall by any means. But it will mean some simple, gentle ways of encouraging myself to focus more on myself, respecting my natural pace, and feeling healthy and comfortable in my own reality. I've been really interested in eating organically lately and preparing natural foods to help keep me nutritionally satisfied. So I think it's only natural that that desire to be whole and healthy translate into other areas besides my diet.

I gained weight at weigh-in yesterday. I think this back injury has caused some weight gain due to lack of exercise AND! overeating Saturday - Monday from being pissed about my condition! Sweet. ;) Oh well, what can you do. Back to it, right?

Trying to make good, healthy, natural food choices this week. And I will start back slowly on the exercise with just some gentle cardio, maybe just walking, and some pilates to reinvigorate core strength. Not gonna lift for a while, until I feel 100%.

I've decided to change the look of this site, clean it up a bit, to reflect what I hope will be a new focus in a gentler more open direction.

That's that. It's a beautiful day today. Back to it.

Alert! Alert! I had a donut! For breakfast! Whaaat!?

Okay, first of all, last night did not go entirely as planned - I ate more than 30 points yesterday, for sure. More like 43 points. We had asian food after work - I had edamame, sake, brown rice, and some chicken with veggies and garlic sauce. Not great, not awful. (But so delicious.) And then we went to a birthday party and I had a couple beers and some cake! Aack! No huge deal, but it wasn't my plan. Oh shit and I just remembered I had a hearty handful of cheese-its when we got home. We'll pretend I forgot about those.

So, it's not the end of the world, but it certainly makes this amazing week I thought I was having a little harder to navigate going forward.

Then. In a fit of I-don't-even-know-what I had a donut for breakfast! I haven't had a donut, let alone for breakfast, in...it's been years. But. Here's the thing. The guy who makes my morning iced-coffees (there's a donut/coffee cart on every corner in the mornings in NYC) occasionally gives me a free donut or bagel or roll from his cart. That's a rare thing in this town so I almost always grin, say thank you (he prides himself on this generosity, which is so lovely, that I cannot turn down his gesture), and take zero or one bites of whatever he's given me and then find someone to give it away to or toss it. I'm sure he tosses them at the end of his shift anyway. So today was one of those days. And these donuts, they look incredible. And the last time he gave me one, I had two bites of it, died from pleasure, and had to pinch myself to get myself to stop eating it.

But this morning, he gave me a free donut and a free bagel with cream cheese (!) and I took one big bite of the donut as I kept walking to work and I just melted. It was amazing. So I took another bite and another. And then I thought, well I'll just eat half of it. And then I ate the whole thing! In an instant, a flash, if your hand was near my mouth, it would have been bitten. So. That happened. What can you do. It wasn't how I wanted to start my day, but I'm generally a great healthy-breakfast girl. So it's not gonna kill me. I knew as I was eating that this might mean potential derailment for the rest of my day, in that, eating a sugar bomb first thing in the morning is the best way to make sure you're hungry 25 minutes later and craving sugar and carbs all day long. And I did pause for a brief second while I was eating it to decide whether or not I wanted to combat that for the rest of the day. BUT. The desire to just eat a damn donut like a normal person outweighed everything else. So I finished it. I'm determined not to let that get the best of me. I did have a couple bites (almost to get something else besides donut in me) of the bagel with cream cheese, but only a couple and then I tossed it. Then I had a few dried cranberries just for variety.

I'm certainly hungry now. And it's only 11am. I don't usually eat lunch until 2 or 3. But I see a salad, perhaps around 1230 or so, in my future. A big salad with lots of veggies. It's the only way to go.

Donut for breakfast. Who knew. Throw caution to the wind, right? Ha. But I won't let it get the better of me today. Salad for lunch, as I said. And then we're grilling out tonight! We have some chicken we can do up. And I think I'll make another big salad and maybe even cut up some veggies to do kebabs on the grill too. That will be delish. So the rest of this day should be a veggie/protein kind of a day. I know I can do it.

I think a workout at lunchtime is in order. Perhaps some eliptical or a hike on the treadmill. Maybe I'll even skip the gym and go walk around central park on my break. But I must get in something. Last night's festivities and this morning's donut (and my sincere desire to have a stellar week this week) are reason enough.

That's it. Weekend plans are still moving forward. I'm looking forward to them. As a related-to-this-blog note, sometimes weekend plans like this can be tough for me because I get excited and start to mindlessly eat, almost to curb some kind of weird joyful anxiety. I can't quite explain it. It's not that I get anxious in "fun" situations like this. I think it's that I get so caught up in how much I'm enjoying what's happening that I just end up constantly reaching for more to munch on, if it's there I mean, because it soothes me somehow, I think. I'm not sure I'm explaining it correctly but I guess it's akin to a dog wagging it's tail or someone tapping their foot when they're eager. It's just an unconscious thing I do when there is an event with people and food around. I can certainly stop it if I'm aware of it, but sometimes I'll have consumed stuff before I even know what's going on. I'm sure those who've had weight issues in the past can relate. Point being, I'm going to try to conscious and aware this weekend of what I'm eating and when I'm snacking and I'm going to try to focus on enjoying my friends and the beautiful weather and the summertime and the chance to relax, rather than being unsoothed without something to munch on.

Blah blah. ;) Have a great weekend, everyone.

Holy hell am I in pain. Every once in a blue moon I'll do something, usually in the weight lifting realm, that just cripples me for 2 solid days. Not in an acute injury kind of a way, but in a holy mother I fatigued these muscles kind of a way. I am hurtin today. Bigtime.

I lifted and did some abs/lower back work yesterday. Pretty standard. I scaled back on the lifting recently (in the past, I've generally lift 3x a week, if I could get it in, but lately I've only been doing once or twice a week because I'm enjoying the cardio more right now) and it definitely seems like I've lost strength very quickly because after only a little time not focusing on thigh-lifting, for example, I seem be in agony the day after any kind of squat or lunge. Must try to find a happy medium there - where I don't have to lift religiously three days a week, but I do enough on the days I do lift to keep the muscles in working order.

ANYway, I did this new thing yesterday that I've seen trainers asking people to do at my gym. You basically stand at one side of the room and "lunge-walk" to the other side, meaning every step you take is another proper lunge - front leg out, butt goes straight toward the ground and back up again - after another. Until you've done 40 or so lunges just from walking across the gym twice.

Looks easy enough.

Brutal. And that's without any sort of free-weights in my hands. Imagine if I was holding weights! Argh. Right as I was doing it, I was like Ohh man this feels good, like too good, like my legs are gonna be screaming at me tomorrow and I KNOW it. I lift enough that stuff doesn't feel like that a lot. So when it does, I know I'm in for it the next day. But what am I gonna do, stop? Hell no.

You get the idea. Today, I'm limping like a pregnant lady who's walking on ice. Embarassing.

Food, although knock-on-wood as it's only Day 3, is going well so far this week. My plan of attempting to not exceed 30 points a day, but to accept that I'm allowed to consume 30 points in one day, seems to be working! Which is awesome. And I've gotten in enough exercise (just a couple small workouts) to offset things too so that I didn't eat 30 points total on one of the days. So I feel really on track so far this week.

I still have a weekend of some get togethers and food-related events that will be challenging but I feel ahead of the curve right now, which is nice. And the scale is reflecting that.

I won't get to workout today, and I wouldn't want to if I could. (So effing sore it's not even FUNNY. GAH!) Hoping to get something in tomorrow either on my lunch break or in the evening.

Tonight we have a surprise party for a friend's birthday. I don't plan to stay too long, I desperately need to catch up on sleep because I don't think I'll get to this weekend. The party is in the east village and we'll probably grab a quick sushi dinner on our way to the party.

Tomorrow night should be relatively low-key. We live in a brownstone, on the ground floor, that is owned by two women who live upstairs with their twin babies. When they go out of town from time to time we take care of their cats, and in the past, they've taken care of Kevin's cat when he's been out. So they're in Texas right now and we're watching their little guys and we might go up onto their deck tomorrow night to grill out and enjoy the summer evening, since they're out of town and probably won't mind if we use the space. Daniel might join us. No big plans for the evening besides some drinking, some food, and some outside time. Looking forward to that.

Then on Saturday we're most likely taking two of our good friends up to the town Kevin grew up in to pick up his parents car (35 min train ride out of the city, near Westchester) and borrow it, because his parents are ALSO out of town. We will probably drive to a nearby resort called Bear Mountain and spend the day swimming, hiking, picnicing, whatever we choose to do. Then we might also return to his parents house that evening to grill out on THEIR porch with our friends and Kevin's sister, brother-in-law, and their baby. Er, I guess he's 2 now. Not exactly a baby anymore. That should also be a lot of fun.

We'll spend the night in the area and probably have breakfast with Kevin's sister and her husband on Sunday morning and return to Brooklyn in the afternoon. I can't WAIT for all the time to relax, take in some sun, and eat food on the grill. I have seriously needed this kind of summertime relaxation so I'm going to really soak it up while I can this weekend.

I'm hoping next weekend will also be filled with some pool or beach action. I need the SUN!

So, a busy weekend, but a relaxing one. And we'll get out of the city for a day! That's never a bad thing.

I'm going to make a committment right now to getting in some light exercise this weekend, even if it's only a hike or some abs or pilates or a brisk walk, and to making healthy, responsible food choices whenever possible, pushing the fruits and veggies. I have a feeling that I have it in me to continue having a kickass week. And I plan to do just that.