Content.

I had SUCH a great night last night.

My office holiday party the night before was eh. Nothing special, same old. I always leave those things feeling glad that I have other stuff that's important to me in life, because if I didn't, I'm not sure just that job would suffice. And I hate to say it but I think there are a lot of people who do the same stuff I do in my office for whom that is the case. I don't say that to be judgmental, I say it because I cannot relate.

Then, Kevin and I got in a HUGE fight on the way home from the party/at home after the party. Everything's fine now, we've made up and said our apologies and worked it all out but we were PISSED at each other and it sucked. I hate when we fight. We don't fight often, but everyone's gonna fight from time to time, ya know? It was our night for it. Oof.

But LAST night was great fun. Kev and I had a few friends over, just 5 people, so there were 7 of us in total. It was just perfect. We had snacks, fun festive Christmas drinks (mulled wine and hot buttered rum!), and after we sat in the kitchen around the food, chatting, drinking, eating, and telling stories for a good hour or so, we eventually moved into the living room (by the light of the tree and the other Christmas decorations - my dream come true!;) and played games all night! We played a game called Celebrity (that my college friends and I call "Slips") and once that was over, we just moved onto straight up Charades. It was such a blast.

I haven't done something like this in ages. Whenever I hang out with a group of friends, we never THINK to play games. We still enjoy ourselves, chatting, eating and drinking, generally relaxing. But the game playing added such a great element. It was seriously the best evening I've had in quite a while.

All the people who were here are people I'd absolutely consider good friends. They aren't all people, however, that I've historically spent a ton of time hanging out with outside of my improv world. But they are all people I would happily sit around and chat with at any time. We all know each other well from how much time we've spent together at The PIT (except for one friend who was here last night who has nothing to do with the improv scene) and it was just so fun to be in a totally different environment, not relating to performing or to the theater, hangin out and laughing.

My HST friends are my "family" in this city and have been for years. They are the people with whom I've spent the most time socially and professionally in the last 4 years and they are awesome friends, great people, and a blast to be with. We have so many inside jokes and old stories and such a great understanding of each other. And just like family, they drive me crazy sometimes too. I wouldn't change it, of course.

But they are also all younger than I am! That definitely has its perks. Because it means that, from time to time, I get "forced" into doing crazy, silly things that I would probably otherwise avoid. :)

The small crowd here last night, I realized at one point, are ALL either my exact age or older. And there is just something so different about that. It was kinda refreshing. The conversations we had, the way we enjoyed ourselves, the games we played, the stuff we shared with each other just felt like a different ballgame entirely than if I'd been hanging out with another, younger group. It made me appreciate even more than I have been lately (which is a lot) how much I love the people I've met through The PIT, and how incredibly blessed, grateful and happy I am to have found The PIT community. It is one of the best things in my life.

(Incidentally, for the sake of explanation, HST performs at The PIT too. We aren't a "PIT" group, meaning we didn't start our group through the theater or at the theater, we didn't meet because of the theater - we met in college at NYU - and we aren't promoted by the theater in a regular way. So we aren't an official "PIT" group. We do shows other places and we originally got started of our own accord. We do, however, do a show at the PIT every Saturday night and have done so for 2 or 3 years. So all the HST kids know the PIT people and vise versa. HST was invited to the PIT Holiday party, etc. etc. I don't know why you need to know that but I can think of a few detail-loving people who read this blog who'd want to know.;)

ANYWAY. My sweet friends brought gifts and wine and food last night. My friend Sarah, who is awesome, brought me this ADORABLE little ornament for my tree. (How did she know?!) And my lovely friend Meg brought me a handmade card - so sweet! My good friend Keith brought a NICE lookin bottle of wine and my good friend Matt stayed after everyone left and did. Every. Single. Dish. In. The. Sink. What the fuck. That was so awesome. I dried while he washed and we chatted and chatted, our voices hoarse and cracking from having talked all night long, and it was so nice.

Once everyone left, it was around 2:15, Kevin and I were exhausted, but so happy and fulfilled. We finally fell asleep after laying awake chatting about all the highlights of the evening, how much fun we had, how we'd like to do it again in the New Year, and what a great group of people we were blessed with tonight.

I guess I've gone on and on. And it was only a few hours total. But it was just one of those nights in life where I felt really happy to be where I am in life, really lucky to be able to invite some good friends over for food and drinks and just hang out and enjoy each others' company, where I felt so glad to be young, healthy, childless, and sharing a really nice life with my great boyfriend.

I've gotta get off here - just came on to talk about last night *blush*. (I'm a weirdo.) I've got just a couple hours to eat breakfast, exercise, shower, pack up my shit, and get the hell outta the house.

I have to shop for one last present for the Winter Wishes program I'm giving to this year. Then I have to deliver the huge bag of presents that I've been buying for the last few weeks to my work this afternoon - they will all go to children who wouldn't otherwise get this stuff for Christmas. Through this program, these kids write letters specifically asking for certain presents! It's so adorable. So first, I am off to Target to buy a 12 year old his "Adias soccer ball, please." Then to the office to drop it all off. Then I've got HST rehearsal and our first of two Holiday Shows! Yay!

Kevin's shooting comedy videos all day today for a non-profit organization he founded with a few friends, the darling. They're doin a big comedy show on NYE and he's got to get some of the material ready before we go out of town in a week and a half. So he woke up and left early. I woke up at NOON! I needed the sleep. And it was absolute bliss having the bed all to myself. I flopped around into a million different positions, spreading my legs and arms every which way, and slept like a rock.

It's sunny but COLD here today. An outside run might be a bit too much but I'm always so itchy to get out there on the weekends, especially if it's sunny! Aaack! We'll see.

Happy Saturday, all.

Welp. I sorta wanna throw up right now, but otherwise, I'm okay. ;)

We had our holiday party at the PIT (the theater where Kev and I do improv and sketch comedy) last night. It was great fun, everyone got dressed up (I think I looked pretty fancy, if I do say so myself ;), and we had a really nice time. But I had two VERY VERY big glasses of wine. And I feel pretty nauseous today. It sucks. At the time it didn't feel like I was drinking that much, but being that I'm not a big drinker to begin with, and being that I didn't eat a lot at the party, it seems to have absorbed itself into my system. I also, for whatever weirdo reason, shared a cigarette with my friend Clayton. No clue why, but it was probably the white wine's decision. I only had a good 5-6 drags. But I have a cough from it today! Grr! Just goes to show that the body does not prefer to be toyed with. I will not be doing that again any time soon. GROSS.

I really don't want to be at work right now. Like, really really not.

The party, as I said, was a lot of fun. I love seeing all my good friends dressed up and enjoying themselves. There wasn't a huge array of food, which was probably best. I had a subway sandwich, which was very yummy, a handful of chips, the icing off a small cupcake, and a few bites of mac and cheese. I was pretty satisfied when I was done eating and decided to simply STOP on the food front after I'd finished that plate. That's not something I'm historically good at doing at parties where there's food available AND alcohol in my system. But I was bound and determined to leave this party feeling good about how I'd conducted myself. And not overeating is the key to that for me.

I knew I wanted to get a little tipsy; it's a party with my favorite people, after all. So I allowed myself to drink, but not more than felt comfortable. And somehow, once the "awards ceremony"* official part of the evening was over, once everyone was again milling about by the food and drink, or dancing or chatting, I decided to just focus on hanging out with my friends and enjoying their conversation. And I really did. I didn't miss picking at the food one bit. So that was a big success. (*I won MVP of my improv team! Aw, fun. - For the record I'm sort of against voting an most valuable player for an improv team since the very spirit of an improv team is that no one is more "valuable" than anyone else. But then I won. That felt nice. I'm still ethically against the award. Ahem. ;)

I took a cab home - probably left around 11:30 or something - knowing that I didn't want to push it. I'm glad I did that because I was able to get in a relatively full night's sleep. I'd be hurting even more today if I was more tired than I am right now.

Because I had a rough morning yesterday, having left at home both the breakfast AND lunch I'd prepared for myself to bring to work that day (booo!!!), I came home last night to find that I had a healthy wrap with turkey and light cheese already put together in the fridge, so I ate that once I was home. The wine had started to really do it's thing by that point and I needed something more in my system. I watched an episode of House, since that's the only thing I ever watch on tv ever these days, and then I went to sleep. I don't even really remember getting into bed. I was OUT before my head hit the pillow.

The scale has been going down down down lately and I couldn't be happier. I went to the gym yesterday on my lunch break to offset any potential damage I might do at the party. That was a good move. And I'll go again today (even though it will be MUCH less appealing to be there - oof) so that I can offset any potential damage I might do TONIGHT at my OFFICE holiday party! Whhat! Two holiday parties in two days. That might be considered mild torture in some places.

I love parties, don't get me wrong. But arrays of food and spirits in the form of festive holiday-ness two days in a row is definitely challenging. I don't even feel like drinking tonight. Maybe I'll have a glass of champaigne or something small but beyond that, I think I'm just going to stick to club soda. I do NOT need the alcohol in my system. It makes me sleep shittier, I don't need the calories, and it certainly won't make my stomach feel better.

There will definitely be food there tonight. And I won't have had dinner. I had a nice healthy delicious egg sandwich breakfast (to make up for the fact that I -waaaaaaah- left the one I painstakingly prepared yesterday morning sitting on the effin kitchen counter -waaaah- can you tell I was very upset about that whole mess?) and I just ordered some lunch - grilled chicken over brown rice with peppers, tomatoes, and low sodium tomato sauce. Cannot WAIT for that. I think it will really hit the spot.

So my plan tonight at the party is to, first of all, have exercised on my lunch break, and then to eat no more nor less than I would if I was sitting down to a normal supper. I think it will all be in the form of passed finger foods, which can be tough because it's hard to eyeball how much you've eaten in that case. But I'll try to keep a reasonable count of what I've had, snack on veggies in between, and sip water the whole time. Should be easy peazy. I also like to leave these work things earlier rather than later. So perhaps my reward for a party successfully navigated will be a hot cocoa or some other small dessert when I get home tonight.

NEXT on the list of mini-challenges will be TOMORROW. Gah! This one, I did to myself. I'm having a few friends over tomorrow night to sip festive Christmas drinks, enjoy our tree, and play games. Another historically difficult scenario for me where overeating is involved: the party I throw myself. I knew when I planned this small fete (just a couple people) that it would be the day after two parties in a row. I tossed around the idea of doing it on Sunday instead of Friday, giving me a couple days to recover in between events. But honestly? I don't want to run my life like that. I'd rather have the get together on a Friday night, I'm sure my friends would rather it be on a Friday night, and if the only reason I want to do it on another day is to save myself the hassle, calorie-wise...well that's silly. And it's not how I want to be operating now, six years into my life as a weight loss success story.

SO. It will just mean yet another day of counter balancing things with a good workout on my lunch break (or perhaps something at home in the morning before work? some pilates and yoga?). And then I will also make good breakfast and lunch choices tomorrow. I think I'll prepare stuff at home to bring with me into the office for both of those meals, giving me even more control over what I'm consuming. And then I'll make sure to have some baby carrots and some nuts before the party starts, keep water close at hand as I sip on the Christmas cocktails, and be sure that the snacks I get are healthy and don't make me want to stand over them and inhale. (I think that might be the key, I just realized, to not overeating at my own parties - don't buy snacks that I love to eat! Dur!) We'll order pizza if people get hungry and if that's the case, I'll just have a slice. Perhaps preplanning my game plan in this way might be just as nutty as moving the day of the party to avoid overeating. But whatever. I do what I gotta, I guess, right?

Phew! Navigation! Planning! Exercise!

Luckily, beyond doing an HST Christmas show on Saturday night (fun!), shopping for children's gifts for the charity I'm donating to this year, and dropping said gifts off at my office on Saturday, I don't have anything to do this weekend. Awesome. No plans on Sunday (besides possibly more shopping?), which is superb. So I should have plenty of time on both days to get in nice, long, relaxing workouts. I think I'll also spend some time trying to use up some of the food we have in the house before we go out of town for the holidays. Perhaps I'll make a lasagna and some kind of chicken sausage and whole wheat pasta dish? Should be good.

As I said, the scale is being very good to me lately. I'm so proud of myself for recommitting to losing weight this past January. In case you don't know the tale, I lost 115 between 2002-2004, then I gained 21 pounds back. I've since lost 11 of those pounds (I said 11.6 the other day! My math was wrong! >blush!<) and I'm so thrilled that I have. I'm seeing numbers on the scale right now that I haven't seen in 2 to 3 years. It's great.

I recommitted to my goal on January 1, 2007 with these words:

After losing almost 115 pounds five years ago, I’ve gained about 20 pounds back in last two years. In these last two years, I’ve focused less on the number on the scale and practiced living my life as a thinner person who doesn’t attend a weekly meeting or weigh herself every day because she used to be fat. I needed to go there with it. To return to the land of those people who don’t weigh themselves every day or obsess about how much they ate or what size their pants are… And I’m glad I did it. Practicing living my life as a thinner person who doesn’t have a huge weight problem has given me invaluable perspective on how to be a relatively healthy eater without the scale as my compass.

But it has certainly been a balancing act, these two years without utilizing all those measurements and barometers that I had set so firmly in place when I lost the bulk of my weight. It was almost like taking away my pacifier when I stopped obsessing over the details. And frankly I’m sort of happy to have put back on a little bit of the weight over two years. Because I didn’t put a lot of it back on, only a little bit! Which is great! I’m still a normal weight. That’s a wonderful thing. I wasn’t normal for a long time and I wasn’t entirely sure if I had the capacity to be normal. Also, I have been forced to become comfortable with THIS body, with being imperfect, with being a few pounds heavier than I want to be. That is a lesson I needed to learn the entire time I was fat and the entire time I was losing weight. I needed to learn that it’s okay to feel good about oneself even if one’s body isn’t up to Hollywood standards. And I think I’ve finally learned that. Being imperfect and not working toward perfection for these two years has helped me to accept that it's okay to be imperfect for the rest of my life. I do want to be healthy and active and feel good about myself, though.

So I’d like to swing the balance back in the other direction for a little while. I’m confident and content being me and now I’d love to exercise and healthy-eat my way back to a slightly more toned me, who doesn’t feel like she’s at the top of her weight range, but somewhere in the middle to low end. A me who can fit into a lot of cute stuff! So that means giving those habits a bit more focus than I’ve been giving them in the last two years. I've been doing it in some form or another since 2002. I think I can recommit to doing it with more focus for a little while.

And that's what I did! My life has changed in small but noticeable ways in these last 11 months, since recommitting to this. Aside from slowly losing weight, there are also these things:

1.)I am madly in love with exercise right now. And I have been for a few months. I've worked out regularly for the last 6 years and my love affairs with it have come and gone. But my current love affair is at an all-time high. When I first recommitted back in January I had a hard time getting to the gym even 3 times a week. Now I am doing active stuff every chance I get. I work out 6 days a week most weeks, walk as much as I can, do extra situps or pushups whenever I get the chance. There’s no quick fixes to this stuff. So I’m either gonna stay active or I’m not. And for whatever reason, my body doesn’t respond to just 3 days a week, 30 minutes per session anymore. And I’m fine with that. Exercise has become a kind of religion for me lately. It’s meditative, spiritual, relaxing, helps to de-stress me, and makes me feel great. I think it ALSO makes my skin look incredible. But that’s just a theory. ;)

It took a solid 6 months before any feelings close to those about exercise started kicking in, but they ultimately did. And I'm so glad I was able to get there with it.

And here’s the cool thing: I honestly think if I'd been dropping weight a lot faster for one reason or another, I wouldn't have fallen so I love with my workout regime. I think I would have coasted by on the fact that the number on the scale was dropping and I wouldn’t have had a reason to go deeper into my relationship with my body, which is what ultimately led me to finding a more spiritual side of my life through my exercise. Dropping the weight a bit more slowly led me to think, "Well, if I'm not working out to lose weight, than why am I working out?” I had to come up with other reasons and other motivations than the number on the scale. I decided I was working out because it makes me feel so good, and because it's good for my body, and most importantly, it's good to form these habits so I can keep them forever. I'd much rather have THAT kind of relationship to exercise than one where I do it as a means to an end. It's all about the process, baby.

2.) I care now more than ever about the kinds of foods I put into my body. I'm into organic living, cooking all-natural, whole, healthy things, using healthy oils and getting in my fruits, veggies, whole grains and good fats. And I know that is because, similar to what I said about exercise, I was losing slowly enough that I had to come up with ANOTHER reason or motivation, besides weight loss, to encourage myself to want to eat really well all the time. It made me feel so good to know exactly what I was eating, to avoid unnecessary preservatives or chemicals, and I was getting more satisfaction out of the foods I was eating. I was also enjoying learning about the local markets in the city and about how to be more ethical with my eating. I'll never be a vegetarian, but I care a lot more now about where my food comes from. I make choices about what to eat based on THAT stuff more than I do on the caloric content of something, almost every time. I can't remember the last time I ate a Lean Cuisine type meal or some empty, low-calorie from-a-box snack. I was always hungry when I was done eating that stuff. And I just started to grow away from wanting it, but not because of how it impacted the scale, but because I knew I didn’t want those foods in my system. I knew there was something else out there. I’m not sure I would have really “gotten” that to the extent that I do now if I this last year had been a different journey.

3.) Last and best of all, I know it's off for good. Even if I only ever maintain this exact weight, I know I've lost it and I know that I know how to keep it off. The lifestyle I lead today, right now, with regard to my health is one I could maintain forever. I love the relationship I’ve found with exercise, I love the relationship I’ve found with food, and I love that I been able to navigate an entire year of life – a year of birthdays, celebrations, parties, date nights with Kevin, barbecues, summer drinks, Thanksgiving, Halloween, all the other holidays we use as an excuse to overeat and overdrink, sadness, happiness, stress, relaxation, moving into a new apartment, snacks at work, dinners and brunches with the “in-laws,” hangouts with friends – all while slowly losing this weight. I haven’t encountered one of those activities wherein I felt deprived or alone or like I was different. I have honestly felt like it's all just good practice. I have enjoyed all those events, indulged beyond measure at some of them, kept more of a tight rope on myself at others of them, but mostly I have found balance. And to be completely honest, as much as I know what I weigh on a given day, this year has not been ABOUT losing the weight. I had to make it about something else because I just couldn't focus on losing weight just for the sake of it anymore. I had to make it about having a richer experience with my health. The 11 pounds and counting has been a wonderful bi-product.

My late teens and early twenties were not an easy time in my life, as many of you already know. So being 28 years old and honestly being able to say for the first time in my young life that I believe I’m finding a balance with this stuff is so nice. I wasn’t sure I’d ever end up here. I feel fantastic about it.

ANYWAY. I didn’t intend for this post to turn into this. But I’m feeling good about where things are with that stuff lately…so it happened. Apologies for the self –congratulations. ;)

Not much else to report. That’s pretty much the full story. Looking forward to seeing my family soon. Just 9 more work days! YEAAAAAAAAAAH. (I know this because we have a countdown calendar at work. I walk by the number 50 times a day.) Can’t wait.

I had a good weekend. And one of the best things about returning to work this Monday is that I DO NOT have improv practice tonight, which means I get to go home right after work and DO WHATEVER I WANT. This is very exciting to me.

Usually, I have improv practice every Monday night. It's the worst night to have to have any standing obligation, in my opinion, but it's the best night for everyone on my team, myself included, schedule-wise. So Mondays it is. But because the year is winding down and we'll have a couple weeks off improv shows; and also because we are having a big holiday party at the theater, instead of our usual Wednesday night improv shows this week, we don't really need to have practice this Monday. We'll have one final practice of the year next Monday, and then we're done practicing until 2009. Wahoo! I like improv practice, but I also like to take breaks from it. Bigtime.

Along those lines, coaching last Thursday was a lot of fun. I was a bit trepidatious going into it - since I'd never done it before. But it was very easy and came very naturally and I didn't feel underqualified or like I didn't know what I was talking about once in the 2 hours, so that was good. I definitely came in prepared, so that I felt like I had a schedule to fall back on if shit hit the fan, but it was perfectly fine, the ladies on the team were lovely and talented and I left feeling good about what we'd done. (And it was nice to have a little extra cash in my pocket!;)

Anyway, tonight, I'm going to go straight home after work. Sometimes I use unusual nights off like this to get in a long gym workout, but few and far between are the days that I get to leave for home directly from the office. I think that's probably happened a total of 5 times since I moved in with Kevin. Out of probably about 100 days worked since then. Oof. So I'm taking advantage of it tonight. It's honestly one of the most wonderful little pleasures. For the evening, I don't feel like a chicken with her head cut off, running around from point A to B, scarfing down some random dinner as I walk to a rehearsal (which cannot be good for digestion). So tonight I'm gonna go home, finish decorating our Christmas tree (!), make myself a healthy supper, perhaps do some light pilates, watch as many episodes of House (my new favorite show ever) as I can stand before I get too tired to keep my eyes open, and then I'm going to go to bed early.

I won't actually arrive home until 8pm and I'd LOVE to be in bed by 11, so I'm not sure how I'll cram all that in. I'll see where the night takes me.

Going to sleep early-ish tonight is imperative. I went to bed really late last night and I am tired today. My sleep schedule was all out of whack last week too, so I'm trying to reset things.

Weekend recap: Friday night I left work and went straight to Port Authority to meet up with Kevin so we could catch a bus to Edgewater, New Jersey. (Only a few minutes drive from Manhattan.) Our good friend Ian turns 35 today so his girlfriend was throwing him a birthday party on Friday night in this big party room at their new apartment complex. It was super fun. We got to see a bunch of Kevin's old friends - people we hadn't seen in a long time, and even more people he hadn't seen in a really long time. It was great to catch up with everyone I already knew and to meet people I'd only ever heard about. I also got preeeettty drunk on some sangria and a beer, so that was fun. I haven't been drunk in eons. There were plenty of snacks at the party, which I definitely enjoyed. But not having had dinner, it basically evened itself out. There were certainly a few handfuls of things that I took once the alcohol took over my system that I wouldn't have chosen to eat otherwise, but it was fine.

Kevin took lovely care of me once we left. I was goofy and unbalanced, but he was great about it. We had a really nice bus ride back to the city and a pretty uneventful subway ride home to Brooklyn. I did start to feel sick on the subway, once I closed my eyes, but it was fine. I fell asleep and woke up to him pulling me off the train at our stop. I passed out AGAIN on our bed, fully clothed, and he woke me up a few minutes later, helped me get ready for bed, adorably laid out my pajamas for me to put on, and put me to sleep. What a darlin. You'd think I'd had a ton to drink, but it was really only 1.5 sangrias, a beer, and a couple other sips. It had just been so long since I'd had any alcohol. I was silly. But it was fun.

I thought I was really gonna be hurtin when I woke up the next day, but we slept really late (which was essential) and got up and made a big breakfast (er, Kevin made a big breakfast), which seemed to make everything right. We relaxed while watching another House episode. (I'm beyond addicted, I watched 5 episodes this weekend alone.)

And then! We set out on a very long workout. 2 hours later, we were back home. We walked fast or ran the whole time. Twice around the park. It was a bit chilly but so enjoyable. We talked a lot, got in a great workout, and I felt fantastic when we got home. I was tired and hungry but I also felt very alive. A nice long workout like that was exactly what I needed to absolve myself of any guilt I had about the night before's antics.

We had to head out to HST practice/show shortly after that and I came straight home after the show to watch more House (wow). I was up LATE again. Watching House.

I also slept late on Sunday. I had big plans for a workout, a trip to the store, an apartment clean, and to finish trimming the tree (we had a minor setback with the lights which has to be remedied by buying more lights - there aren't presently enough lights for my tastes). We ALSO had to go see the Bodies exhibit at 3.

After I woke up late, we basically got ready, made some coffee with our new coffee machine, which has changed our lives (we haven't had a working coffee machine in the house forever), and headed to the exhibit. It was COLD yesterday - YUCK. But we managed. We had a great time. The South Street Seaport, where the exhibit is located, has tons of great shops and stuff to see, so it was really nice just to be out and about, taking in the sites. We love doing stuff like that together. We grabbed a quick lunch to hold us over until we could eat something more substantial after the exhibit, and then we headed in.

The exhibit was very interesting and informative. I loved it. It was definitely gross at points, especially seeing the cancerous stuff and the malformed organs. Even certain cross sections of the healthy bodies were a bit hard to look at. But you get over it, of course. And it's just fascinating as hell. Who knew the body was this complicated. I mean, you KNOW, but you don't really realize until you see it with your own two eyes like this. I will never forget the experience.

We left after not too long (another nice feature is that the whole thing doesn't go on for hours) and beelined to this restaurant nearby that was pumping out some amazing burger smells. I wanted a burger. Bad.

We split a salad to start, and then I didn't eat the bun on my burger (it didn't seem worth it) and ate about 3/4 of the burger patty. It came with a plate full of fries, the really thin kind, and I probably had 10 total, if that. I barely made a dent in them. I was so incredibly pleased with myself for that restraint. Kevin said, "You don't want them?" I said, "No, I want them very badly. That's the problem." But the taste of just a few was all I really needed to feel like I'd gotten to sample them.

I'm just at this point where I want to be able to control myself in situations like that, without it being a big deal. Like, I'm done hemming and hawing about it. Fries. So what. They're yummy. But I don't need the whole plate. And it doesn't have to be a thing. I'm not gonna have them all. End of story. It doesn't even need to be a discussion I have with myself. And I don't need to feel sorry for myself or create drama around it (not that I'm generally like that, but you know what I mean). Food, even terrible-for-me food, is going to be around me my entire life. I've got to continue to practice growing this kind of healthy relationship to it. It's what I want for the rest of my life. If I eat and drink a lot on a Friday night, I want to wake up on Saturday and make time to have an extra long workout. And be done with the discussion. That is how every naturally thin person I know goes about maintaining their weight. And I think part of the reason I enjoyed this weekend so much is because I did just that. I was able to indulge and then counterbalance it with smart, natural, almost-involuntary choices. I took the focus off the food at almost every turn and just practiced putting the focus back onto things that matter. And best of all, I listened so carefully to my body at every meal (Friday night aside). I stopped eating when I felt my stomach pressing on my pants a little bit. Because I knew that if I kept eating, that feeling would only increase. And that means I've eaten too much. I was able to enjoy a "cheeseburger and fries," without feeling like I'd indulged at all. I got all the flavors I wanted (the cheese, the beef, the ketchup, the mustard, the fries) but only consumed probably 400-500 calories, if that. Excellent. I felt so good about myself after that. And the scale smiled on me today.

We then went to the grocery store and stocked up on some essentials. Our cupboards have been lean lately, so it was due. We were really judicious though, because times are very tight. So we are, like everyone else right now, all about not wasting food, not buying extra crap, and being frugal with our money. We got a lot of good stuff and because we bought less than usual it wasn't such a bear to carry home.

Kev had to head out to a meeting so I spent the evening by myself, which I didn't mind. I restrung lights on the tree to make room for more lights, cleaned the bedroom, bathroom, and tidied up the living room and kitchen. I made myself a light dinner of an english muffin with peanut butter, some baby carrots, and some nuts. And I had two of these small but amazing truffles for dessert.

I did NOT get in the workout I had planned, which was unfortunate. I had really intended on doing SOMETHING, but before I knew it was 11 o'clock and I hadn't had dinner. I suppose walking around the city all day and cleaning the house at night will have to serve as my calorie-burn for yesterday. I went to sleep late again because I'd woken up so late and wasn't that tired when bedtime rolled around.

It was a really good day.

I'm excited that it's almost Christmas. I've been really itching to spend some time with my family. My grandmother's house is filled with such familiar smells and sights. And the din of the family is so comforting to me. Even if it grates on me occasionally, I feel connected to my family right now. And I'm looking forward to the holiday with them. Plus, the break from work! I have a good 12 days off. YESSSSSSSSSSSSs.

The next few weeks will be filled with parties, get-togethers, shows, rehearsals, gift exchanges, and enjoying the lovely Christmas decorations in my little house. :)

I'm gonna workout on my lunch break today. And I brought lunch from home (salad and a sweet potato). I'm sort of itchy for this workday to move quickly. It's BORING. ;)

I feel like I've got a lot whirling around in my mind right now. That's not necessarily a bad thing. Just is what it is.

On the whole, I'm feeling really good today. I think I've gotten a bit less sleep the last few nights than I really need/want to feel 100% during the day, but I woke up this morning feeling ready to go, so that's nice. I have another late night ahead of me tonight because I'm coaching an all-girls improv group. And tomorrow night we're going to a birthday party in Jersey for a good friend. Saturday night is the HST show and ANOTHER birthday party in Manhattan for ANOTHER good friend. And Sunday I have a business meeting in the morning and then we have tickets to the Bodies Exhibit (rescheduled from when I was sick). Gah! That's a lot. So I don't know when I'm going to sleep...or do the dishes...or vaccuum the living room...or declutter the living room and bedroom...zzzz....Luckily Kevin is a great Mr. Mom, as he likes to call himself, and does a ton of stuff around the house. Just thinking of all those plans makes me want to take a big long nap.

On a rather sad note, one of the attorneys who I assist at work is out of the office this week (and indefinitely) because his mom is dying of cancer. Ugh. It's so sad. She's been fighting it for the last year, but took a downward turn a couple weeks ago, and has gotten increasingly worse in the last couple days. They have no more treatments options left for her and she's at home with hospice care and her family by her side. Her son, my boss, has been at home with her all week, of course. But in this industry (entertainment law), you don't take big chunks of time off work unless it's a really serious matter. Obviously, it is. And it's so sad.

Did I mention he's just 28? Yeah. Not that it's probably much different from someone who's 38 or 48 losing a parent, but you know what I'm saying. His mom is relatively young, his brothers are young, his dad thought he'd have many more years with his wife. It's sad.

I don't know this guy very well. He's very quiet and sort of reserved. And I'm not someone who presses people to chit chat. So we haven't really gotten close over the last year I've worked here. Also, he's been sort of difficult with me, passive aggressively, at times. I'm sure his mother battling cancer hasn't helped his patience with me, his assistant. Anyway, despite not knowing him well at all, I still really feel for the guy, naturally, and am thinking a lot about him and his family. I just hate the idea of them hearing the doctor's say that there are no more treatment options. It seems like just a few weeks ago she was still getting chemo and was in and out of the hospital. How do you even come to grips with the fact that the fight is over? That the inevitable is upon you and your family?

His emails to a few select people at the firm (copying me) say she's sleeping a lot and that the time table is not looking good. How tragic and awful. I cannot imagine going through that. Nor can I imagine returning to a day job afterwards. I feel like this guy should take the rest of 2008 off, if not longer. But this is a very hard industry in which to do that. Luckily we work for a law firm that is very small and very respectful of their employees personal lives. I can only hope he takes all the time he needs. The idea of sending work related emails after your mother just passed away seems more than someone should have to handle. Then again, perhaps the distraction is a blessing in and of itself. I have no idea.

My family and I have really been so incredibly blessed because, knock on wood, we have seen a very limited amount of heartache, at least since I've been alive. I'm really close to my mom's side of the family and not close at all to my dad's side. And out of the members of my mom's side of the immediate family - grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins - who have been around since I was born, none of them have passed away, prematurely or otherwise. Both of my grandparents are still with us, vibrant, strong, fun, and in charge of the family. And besides my grandfather and my aunt both having cancers that were operable, nobody has been sick. That has been such an incredible blessing, I'm sure I don't even really fully understand the magnitude of it.

This Christmas, Kevin and I plan to film some footage of my family, documentary style. We'll ask them questions and get them answering the questions on tape. I'm so excited to commemorate them in this way. I love them so much.

Anyway, moving on to less heavy topics - this Saturday is December 6, aka St. Nicholas Day. This is a holiday most people I know have never heard of. I think it's German in origin. But my family has always practiced it. Basically, the idea is that St. Nicholas comes to your house on December 6th and leaves a little pre-Christmas present for you on your doorstep. But he rings the bell and runs away before you can see him. I've also heard versions where children leave their shoes out at night and they are filled with candies when they wake up in the morning.

When I was a kid, this was a very exciting, and sometimes scary day. Because I would get very freaked out when I heard the bell ring and I imagined that St. Nicholas was outside. The idea of this bizarre Santa Claus-like type figure who was mysterious and sneaky really freaked me out. But I would eventually creep to the front door to see if anything was there. And there was always a big brown paper bag, stapled shut, with little presents inside! It was the BEST.

My mom has kept up the tradition every year since I was a kid, always sending me something small and special for St. Nick's Day. And this year was no different. The package arrived yesterday and I couldn't wait until Saturday to open it! She sent us the most adorable little presents. A pair of earrings for me, a funny rudolph pen that has funny punching fists and a light-up nose, a cute keychain, awesome reindeer pajama pants for Kev, and three AWESOME ornaments for our tree! Two of them are these super neat (I LOVE THEM) cat face ornaments - one is a black cat and the other is a red cat! Just like our cats! We've put the lights on our tree so far, but haven't done the ornaments yet, so we put the Floyd and Chawser ornaments on it right away last night. They look so cool. My mom is the best.

Speaking of Floyd, another lovely treat was that this morning, I woke up around 6am to Floyd curled up sleeping right next to me. He usually sleeps at the food of our bed, if he sleeps with us at all, but he's never once in the entire time I've owned him slept with me, next to my head/torso, on the bed. It was so sweet and lovely. He's a big cat and I loved feeling his funny warm cat body all curled up next to me. He tried to get up a few times throughout the morning, but he just kept getting sleepy and plopping right back down and going back to sleep. I just LOVED it. He took up a ton of room on the bed, but I still hope this is the beginning of a new habit. I'd love to have him next to me every night. I think he's doing it because it's drafty in the apartment at night. Chawser was also curled up in his own little self-made cocoon of blankets on the couch when I got up this morning. He'd dug himself a little cave of covers. They are precious.

In food and exercise related news, things are good. The scale is down and I feel good. I definitely overate on Thanksgiving and I gained a pound last week from all the festivity, but the scale is already back down after a few good workouts. I spent a lunch hour lifting on Tuesday and I'm still pretty sore from it. And I took a nice long 50 minute walk through Central Park on my lunch break yesterday, which felt great. I chose to do that instead of hitting the gym and it was a good decision.

We went out for a friend's birthday dinner last night at a pulled pork joint - and I ate half a pound of pulled pork! All by myself! It was seriously beyond delicious. But I checked this morning and it was only 7 points, or about 325 calories. So no big deal. The upside is that I was SO full from it (Kev and I ate quickly because we had to leave the gathering early to perform our improv shows) that I spent the rest of the night digesting and chugging water and didn't need or want another lick of food. So the scale was actually down this morning, which was a nice surprise.

I'll go workout again tonight after work. I'm thinking some light lifting, some pilates, and a 30-35 minute cardio session. I'm not sure I'll have time for much more. After the gym, I'm going to coach improv, like I said, and won't be home until midnight. Oof. I'm looking forward to coaching though. I've never done it before, so it should be interesting. I think I know what I'm doing. I THINK. ;)

I plan to workout a lot this weekend too. I didn't get in as much as I wanted to last week, which was fine, but I've got the itch again, so I'll squeeze it in when I can. I also need to squeeze in a TJ's run! But I'm thinking of taking a page out of my friend Jess' book and trying to really eat all the stuff in my cabinets!

Workworkwork. Back to work.

The Tree.

That's my adorable boyfriend last night, standing in the 28th Street subway station WITH OUR CHRISTMAS TREE! WAHOO!!

You'd think it would be a horrible nightmare to get that thing from Manhattan to Brooklyn, on the subway, and ultimately down the block to our apartment. But you'd be wrong. It wasn't too bad at all.

Granted, I wasn't the one carrying it.



;)

He was a real trooper. AND, he's Jewish! So this was a true mitzvah, his carrying that tree home and helping me set it up. He was covered in sap and pine needles when all was said and done. I love him.

It was too late by the time we got home (around 11) to start decorating it. I still loved seeing it all unwrapped and settling into its new home in our living room. We trimmed some of the unruly branches and arranged it just-so, gave it some water, and enjoyed the amazing aroma. I plan to at least get the lights on it tonight. I'm so happy we have it, finally. I wanted to get it on Friday, after Thanksgiving, but we stayed in Brooklyn for most of the weekend and couldn't find anyone selling trees on Friday. The tree stands are popping up all over the place now, of course, so we could have bought it in Brooklyn, but we got it in Manhattan and it got to take a subway ride. How many Christmas trees can say that?

I did get to do some other decorating in the house - just some extra greens from the tree with blue lights and ornaments peppered throughout. Looks cheesy but it's cute and festive. I can't wait until the tree is done and we can hang out by treelight at night. Love that.

More tomorrow!

It's a beautiful day.

Guess what?

I feel better.

I feel so. much. better. I'm not sure if I'm back to 100% or not, but I'm terrified of losing this mojo so I'm gonna take it real easy nonetheless.

The bottomline, however, is that I feel better. I woke up this morning, having gone to sleep last night with a slightly sore, but mostly numbed-out tooth, and two illnesses (stomach bug and sinus bug) hanging on for dear life. And I woke up this morning feeling like a normal person again.

And let me tell you. Normal personhood feels exquisite right now. I think I'm basically out of the woods entirely with the body illnesses. And this tooth thing - well - I could not be happier that it's FINALLY SOLVED. I don't have anywhere near the pain I had yesterday, I don't have anywhere near the pain I've been having for the last year. It actually feels better. Which is a miracle to me. This place in my mouth has been a constant source of pain and avoidance for a long while. I have no idea why I waited so long to deal with it. But when compounded with the other sickness stuff, it became unbearable and had to be addressed.

Jess mentioned to me that she's known people with mouth infections/issues who realized that they felt better in general, overall, once the infection got cleared up. I certainly wouldn't rule out that possibility here. Plus, the fact that I can tell that the antibiotic is fighting the infection is making me so happy. So whether that's psychosomatic or actual body chemistry - I'll take it.

My face muscles on the right side are a bit sore today. I had five different shots in my mouth yesterday and it makes your whole face feel tight and reactive. But I know that will go away in the next few days. I really hope the work the doctor did (he basically had to build out a whole extra piece onto my tooth so that the area wouldn't get re-infected) solves the problem completely. I'm going to be diligent about keeping the area clean. Any good advice for a super healthy mouth - I'll take it!

So I'm in a great mood right now. I get out of work in about 25 minutes for the rest of the weekend, obviously. And I'm excited. The office is very quiet right now - most everyone has already left for the holiday. Sweet Kevin is at home right now, trying his hand at some sausage cornbread stuffing for tomorrow. We basically have no idea what we're doing, specifically with regard to the turkey. But I've tried to read up a bit and we have somewhat of an action plan, so I think it should work itself out. I hope. We're getting up early tomorrow to get started, just in case shit goes awry. Regardless, I am so happy and excited and have warm feelings all over to get to cook my very first Thanksgiving dinner with my honey.

When I leave work in a little while, I'm hitting the gym. I'm really looking forward to it. I haven't worked out since Saturday and now that I'm feeling so good (I think the huge dose of antibiotic in my mouth recallibrated all body systems), I am EAGER to get back to it. I have a lot of energy today, relatively. And I plan to spend a good 60 minutes on whatever cardio strikes me, and get in some light lifting and ab work too.

After that, I'll head home to Brooklyn where Kevin is toiling away on his stuffing, stopping by the store on my way to grab some last minute ingredients for a pie he wants to make, and I'll help him finish up whatever he's doing. I made the cranberry sauce last night, we're doing the sweet potato casserole and the turkey tomorrow morning, and beyond throwing a salad together and heating up the mashed potatoes, I think we're good to go! Can't wait.

We have improv shows tonight, his is at 7 and mine is at 8. So we'll head back into the city around 6 and spend the night at the PIT (Peoples Improv Theater) with our good friends. I'll probably go out for a drink afterward and then I might go meet up with Daniel at his apartment for a little more hangin-out.

So that's the update. I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving with good friends and family. And I hope you're all able to get a little exercise in. ;) It makes eating plates and plates of food that much more enjoyable.

Cranberry Sauce

So. :) I've had an eventful day. But I'm ending it contently, blogging while Kevin watches TV. I have a full tummy (more on that in a moment), and I think when I'm done with this I'll crawl into bed and get some much needed rest. I've had sleep issues the last two nights.

Kevin is watching tivo'd American Music Awards. Beyonce is performing. I love this performance.

It smells like cranberry sauce in our house. I just made my first-ever batch. Sort of just to test it out. Then I let it cool down just a little bit and had a spoonful of it over all natural vanilla ice cream. With pecans. It was basically heaven in a small dish. I told Kevin, "I could eat a vat of that." And I could.

I also had a couple cookies, a TINY sliver of pie, really tiny, and some nuts and crackers. I suppose that was my dinner. My eating schedule was all screwed up today. I ate breakfast around 11, "lunch" at 7pm, and "dinner" at 10:30.

Here's what happened: I've been sick for the last 10 days. It's been unpleasant. Nothing terrible, but I've definitely had a bug or bugs and I haven't felt good. Then I got the aforementioned toothache. So I went to the doctor on Monday for the sickness (and I mentioned the toothache to her, yes). She said: sinus infection and stomach flu. I am just now this evening feeling better from all that in a noticeable way. I think the sinus infection is dying down. And my stomach, which felt sour today, feels better tonight.

This tooth thing, I knew, was not entirely related to this sickness though. Sure, being sick probably exacerbated it, but I have had problems with this area of my mouth since at least April, if not well before that.

So I went into the dentist today and got some answers. Problem 1: My gum was receding in a certain spot near my back tooth. And Problem 2: the tooth itself isn't properly aligned with the one next to it. So it exposed up the receding gum AND the gum under the tooth to bacteria. And Problem 3: the area is infected. Which means it's been infected for quite some time. Months. And I think getting sick with two different bugs caused a weakened immune system which caused an inflamed tooth infection. It was just killing me.

The dentist did some shit to my mouth today, unexpectedly, when I went to see him on my lunch break. I HATE the dentist. And this shit was not pleasant. An upside is that had I known this had to happen and had I a week to plan for it mentally, I would have been even more of a wreck today. I was still a wreck. Just like when I got a couple cavities filled in April, I sweat through my jeans. I hate the dentist.

He did some drilling, some shoving of teeth, some rebuilding of a tooth and then he applied some penicillin, and sent me on my way. As the numbing agent started to wear off, though, when I was back at my office 20 minutes later, I ended up in incredible agony. We're talking a 9 on a 10 scale of pain. I was basically in high panic mode on the inside. I couldn't see, think, talk, do anything but fixate on the pain and how badly I needed to get it to stop. I called back the dentist and told them. They told me to try advil and call back in 30 minutes. I'd already taken 2 advil. I took 2 more. I was in excruciating pain. I couldn't wait 30 minutes. I called back in 22. It was the longest 22 minutes of my life.

I was really worried because I came in late to work yesterday because I was sick and had to go to the doctor. I am out of sick days, though. So leaving 2.5 hours early today after coming in 4 hours late yesterday seemed like a stretch to me. But I was in dire straits. I basically shut the door to my boss's office and welled up with tears as I tried to explain to her what was happening. While I was in with her the dentist's receptionist called me back and said to come back into see him immediately. My boss was empathetic and didn't care at all, of course, that I had to go back to the dentist.

I pretty much flew to the dentist's office. It was everything I could do to tell my other bosses I was leaving and to organize my desk and finish up some last tasks. I was in a pain-panic. Nothing else mattered.

By the time I'd gotten to him, the double advil dose had kicked in and I was at a 7 on a 10 scale. I spoke to him and he looked at it and basically said, either we can take out the whole thing we put in your mouth and scrape out the infected tissue. Or you can wait until the antibiotic starts working, which is when the pain will hopefully subside. He said the antibiotic is a huge dose. And with the tissue so infected, it made sense that the tissue would react angrily to the antibiotic and that it would be trying to fight back. It was definitely fighting back. Of course, the antibiotic will prevail. I know this. So I agreed to wait. I didn't want him digging around in there anymore. I said, "But what am I supposed to do until then. Because I'm in agony here." He gave me a shot of another numbing agent in my mouth, which also makes your face feel weird and sore, but it was better than the pain of the infection.

I was on cloud 9 when I walked out of there ten minutes later. Not because it felt good by any means, but because the relief of the excruciating pain was a joyful feeling. Feeling only kinda sore was a god send.

The numbing agent has worn off by now. And yup, the antibiotic seems to have started working. I feel sore but I feel okay. I can stand the pain at this level. And I can already tell that this is gonna make a huge difference in my mouth. This infection has been bothering me for a lot longer than I realized. Now that I associate the soreness to the fact that it's healing, not to the fact that I have an undiagnosed mouth issue, I realize how long I've been living with it as an everyday part of my life. I had stopped noticing that I was noticing it all the time. Isn't that weird?

So that's the saga. Of course it wasn't the end of the world. But there were some moments there where I was in a panic.

WHEW.

It's on the mend. And I think! I might be GETTING BETTER! Overall! This is exciting to me. I've felt like crap for daaaays. I cannot wait to wake up tomorrow feeling good. I know I might not be 100% by any means, but I think I will certainly be on the up and up.

And just in time. We get out of work tomorrow at 3pm and I'm going to go spend a good hour and a half at the gym. I really look forward to it. I haven't worked out since my Saturday run, when I got sick 3/4 of the way through it and didn't recover for 36 hours. I feel like a sloth from the lack of exercise, which is ridiculous, I know. But an amazing workout tomorrow will take care of that, without a doubt. Then I'm going to come home and do some food prep. :) :) And then I have a show at 8pm. I am excited to do some improv tomorrow night and then hopefully - all things permitting - go have a beer with some friends. It's been quite some time since I've been able to do that. Since my birthday weekend to be exact. This has been a rough month.

To borrow a line from my friend Jess, Thursday is Thanksgiving, obviously. And I'm looking forward to it. Kevin, Daniel and I are cooking at my house. I've never made Thanksgiving dinner before and I'm totally stoked. I'm gonna take lots of pictures and really enjoy the day. I plan to go for a run in the morning that day, and a walk in the afternoon with Daniel and Kevin. And then we're gonna eat around 4 or 5. I'm excited to enjoy the day. There are lots of yummy things on the menu. We might meet up with some friends or go see a movie in the evening. And I will be consuming cocktails.

Then, during the weekend, I plan to workout each day. Friday we're getting and hopefully putting up our Christmas tree, Saturday I have a sketch show, and Sunday we're going to see Kevin's parents during the day and going to see a standup comedian (Jim Gaffigan! I love him!) at night. The tickets were a birthday present from Kevin. I'm looking forward to the down time, the time away from work, the time to exercise, and the festivity. I love this time of year.

Honestly, whatever happens now that I'm starting to feel better is fine with me. I'm excited to just be part of the human race again.

I’m up. It’s 2:45am on Sunday/Monday and I’m awake. I am having a terrible, painful, awful toothache. So about 2 hours ago now, I took a percoset that I had left over from my back injury. My friend at work gave me two percoset. I took one when my back when out three months ago and one tonight. And it’s keeping me up, I think. Or maybe it’s the tooth pain. I’m not actually sure at this point. But I’m sitting here, awake, and well…

I finally googled “severe toothpain” and one common theme I read was vanilla extract. That and baking soda were really the only two consistently mentioned remedies. I did the vanilla extract. And you know what? I kinda worked. That is huge. Because I don’t have the severe, hot-screw-being-drilled pain I had before. But it still hurts like a real bitch. I realized a couple days ago that I actually haven’t being chewing on that side of my mouth for, seriously – MONTHS.

So there’s that. And the other thing is that I’ve had a second go-round, a repeat, if you will, of my flu. I’ve been down and out, big time, for the last 36 hours. I actually finally started feeling better tonight – just before the tooth happened! – after spending the day resting. Long story short, I haven’t felt 100% for two weeks, since the Monday after my birthday. But after the first experience with it, last week, I felt like I was finally recovering. I’ve still had a noticeable headache, sinus congestion, sore throat, and a consistent cough ever since then. So I know I’ve still been mildly sick, but I’ve been really laying low. I have been going to work but I also haven’t been drinking, smoking, or doing anything at all, really, except working, working out, and going to rehearsals and shows. Otherwise I’m at home. I guess it wasn’t enough though. Because I went for a run on Saturday during the day, a long run around the park. And yes it was pretty cold out at the time. Yes. But I was bundled up and I felt good. I’d already been back to working out since I’d first gotten sick.

Well about ¾ of the way through the run, I didn’t feel right. And when I came home, I got sick. It was awful. And I had to get ready, get dressed, and go to my show right after that. I felt pretty rotten for the rest of the night. We went straight home after the rehearsal and show, and I crashed.

I did nothing today. I originally had three things on the agenda: go to an HST business meeting at 11am, go to the Bodies exhibit at 3pm (the tickets for that thing apparently have to be for a specific time and date and we’d gotten tickets as a gift), and a Girls Movie Night with some girlfriends at 7pm. I bailed on all three! Aack! I felt guilty! I was surprised that I felt guilty, actually, but I really did. I had to keep telling myself that it was actually the right thing to do – rather than that it was me bailing on stuff.

I ended up having a really nice day while trying to recuperate. I laid around, Kevin made me breakfast, we watched two episodes of Top Chef, we bought plane tickets online for a wedding we’re going to /I’m in in Miami in March, we had a small soup lunch. We finished planning Thanksgiving. ☺ Then I took a nap, woke up, needed some fresh air badly, so we bundled up and took a walk. I had a nice chat with my mom on the phone just before I left the house – we checked in on holiday stuff (I won’t see her for Thanksgiving, but I am going home for Christmas. Kevin’s coming! Yay!)

The fresh air was great, I actually got a small coffee (half decaf/half reg) and ate a banana while I was out, and I went to the grocery store for a couple small Thanksgiving things. It felt excellent to be out and about., like I really needed the fresh air and to get the blood flowing.

Kevin had gone to pick up Thai food for us and was home when I got there. So we hung out. He talked to his parents, I baked brownies from TJ’s that I’ve been meaning to make (they turned out to be amazing and surprisingly okay calorie-wise). We ate dinner, watched House, watched the movie Catch Me If You Can, in the dark! With popcorn! It was fun. We even moved the couch to a better viewing place for movie-watching. So the room felt fun and different. It was fun.

So it was a really lovely day. And flu-wise, I’m feeling better right now. Even though it’s actually 2am and I’m actually awake with an actual toothache. The last few days have been a joke, health-wise.

Because not only that, but get this – I have a rash on my ankle. I’ve had it for a while, it’s not going away, and I need to get it checked out. I already have a doctor’s appointment for it for tomorrow, which I made last week when I’d already been feeling better after the FIRST flu bout, so I didn’t mention that as my reason for coming in, I just called because I have this rash. So I’ll tell her about both tomorrow Unreal.

And you know what’s funny? I haven’t been sick in over a year.

So that’s that. Sigh. SIGH.

…my tooth is killing me.

☺ I guess if I’m gonna complain about it all though, I should also write about what’s good too. And lots is.

First of all, I’m sitting here in my lovely little house, blogging and eating a brownie.

I’ve had a lot of fun planning Thanksgiving. And I’m looking forward to Christmas. And I’m just generally feeling good about my life right now. I’m having fun, enjoying being myself, and being an adult. My relationship, which is not perfect by any means, is fulfilling, fun, and good. And that’s what I want in life. I love being alone. I also want to have a life with someone. And I really think I’ve found, in the last 4 months of living with my boyfriend for the first time ever, a nice balance of those two worlds. I love him. And I love how our relationship challenges me to be a better person. And I cherish him. He’s wonderful. He’s my best friend.

Work is okay right now and working out is bringing me a great sense of peace and relaxation lately. I’m able to utilize it in that way right now. It feels good. And it makes me feel powerful, capable, and sane.

I’ve lost a total of 11.6 pounds since I recommitted to losing the 18 I gained. YES! I just saw the lowest number I’ve ever seen, this morning. Sweet.

I can’t wait for Christmas.

I think I might get a raise soon. And I’m gonna get a holiday bonus.

So stuff is good. I guess I’m gonna post this and go lay down. I’m not sure I’ll be able to sleep but I should try. It’s either that or I’ll start munching. Because that brownie was good.

I’m calling the dentist in the morning. I’ll be better by Thanksgiving, dammit.

It's beginning to look a lot like...!

Well, it can certainly be hard to get back into regular blogging when you've taken a long break. But I'll attempt it today. One of my bosses at work is out of the office today (thank you, God) and even though things seem like they could easily get very busy at any moment, I'm going to carve out some personal time.

Most notably, I guess, is that I'm still recovering from having been sick. It wasn't too bad, only lasted about a week, and I wasn't completely down for the count for the entire week. But I have been feeling some form or another of under-the-weather for a while. It's mostly devolved into a nasty sounding cough at this point. But I still wake up congested and headachy each day. It could be a lot worse, I'm well aware. But it's still no fun. I had a fantastic birthday weekend and woke up the Monday after sick as a dog.

Kevin was even sicker than I was, the poor thing. He was down and out for a solid 7 days. He's feeling much better now. And it's so nice to see him alive and well again. He was totally bored, miserable, and in a serious funk by the end of that week.

Anyway. We're both on the up and up, and JUST in the nic. Because things are gettin' festive around here. And I'm loving it.

So. Food and exercise. All is well on both fronts. Despite a minor gain after the week of Halloween, the Election (had a big party), and my Birthday, which was complete with several dinners out and several gatherings involving cupcakes, things are stable, moving down again, and looking good.

As has been my custom since the summer, I'm exercising a lot - usually about 6 times a week - because I love it. If I go a day without it, I can live, but two days, and I start to feel antsy. I've been going on long runs, doing yoga, doing pilates, lifting weights, mixing it up on cardio machines at the gym - pretty much the whole enchilada. And it feels really good. My body has responded really nicely and I feel really slim and fit. (I went to the doctor yesterday for something unrelated and she had to check my abdominal muscles and she said that they're in really great shape. Love that.)

On the days that I don't workout (and no, I don't get in 6 official workouts every single week - sometimes it's 5, sometimes it's 4), I still aim to do something active and physical to keep myself moving and keep the blood flowing. Moving to Brooklyn and adopting a huge, gorgeous park a block away from my apartment into part of my lifestyle has been just amazing. I run, walk and hike around or through that thing at least once a week, if not more. It's perfect. Watching the leaves changes and ultimately begin to fall off has been the inspiration for many long walks (one taken on my birthday, which was awesome); being able to go for a nice long run around the perimeter with lots of other runners, bikers, and walkers doing their thang at the same time has been a great joy for me. And Kevin and I have found ourselves taking long hikes through different hilly parts of the park that we've never seen before (it's a HUGE park) as a way to spend a nice Sunday afternoon together. I will often decide to get on the subway at a stop that is farther away than the one near my house, just so I can walk through the park to get there. It's awesome. I'm dreading when it's way too cold to even think about walking around outside. But I'm hoping those days are few and far between and that even in winter, I can bundle up and get movin. It never stays intolerably frigid for long in New York. (Although it is surprisingly cold today. Gah!)

I've also been doing lots of other activities outside the house like shopping at grocery stores far away and using the varied trip home (up and down the stairs to the subway, walking to and from the store and the house) while carrying the heavy bags as a way to stay active. I pull my abs in, make sure I'm varying the arm muscles I'm using, do little squats at stop lights, and generally try to help myself get stronger. It's fun. I carried home a heavy butternut squash on Saturday and certainly looked like a big weirdo as a I did bicep curls and shoulder presses as I walked.

On Sunday morning I had some errands to run - a trip to Target to return some things and get some other things, and a trip to Trader Joe's to get some ingredients to use with some produce we'd gotten at the farmer's market the day before. Kevin is notoriously difficult to get moving in the morning and usually I'm happy to laze around with him, but on this particular Sunday morning I just wanted to get up and get going. So when I woke up, I announced to him that I was putting on pants and going to run my errands by myself. I spent the morning shopping at my own pace, got in lots of walking and stair climbing and eventual carrying of extremely heavy bags (so heavy I had to call him to meet me at the subway station because I didn't think I could make the 1.5 block walk from the train to the house by myself). I had a tiny piece of bread with a smear of peanut butter on it before I left the house, some coffee and water while I was out and about, and I came home pleasantly ravenous and exhausted but energized. It was a great, active morning. I'm sure I easily burned 500 calories just carrying those fucking bags. It's experiences like that that remind me why I consider myself so lucky to live in a big city where "by-foot" is one of the primary modes of transportation. I wouldn't know what to do with myself otherwise.

I don't usually give myself activity points (the weight watchers version of allowing a little more food in your diet in exchange for exercise) for these kinds of "active" days. I just chalk them up to an active lifestyle and then I don't fret if I have a glass of wine that's a little larger than 4 ounces every once in a while. You get the idea.

Spiritually, my current connection to my physical life is such a blessing. I really feel more connected to myself, my body, and my thoughts when I'm active. I feel a meditative state wash over me and I remind myself to slow down mentally, stop ruminating about so many little details, and just be. It's something I really need.

Another spiritual experience for me lately has been cooking. I know I've mentioned here before that since moving in with Kevin, I've becoming a lot more aware of what we're both putting into our bodies by way of making sure we have healthy, natural, organic foods in the house at all times. We made a lasagna, a butternut squash soup from scratch, and an apple cake this weekend. It was a blast. And very tiring. But we had a great time cooking together and now we have a ton of food for the whole week.

Also, I'm trying to take more time when eating my meals - that doesn't mean focusing more on food - it actually means focusing less on food. I'm doing stuff like saying a quick blessing before I eat to be thankful for the fact that I'm able to sit down to a delicious meal, taking my time to chew each bite and savor the flavors, and giving my body and mind time to sync up and register when I've had enough to eat.

So the general experience of buying, preparing, and consuming food lately has been something special for me. I'm sure it's not something I will always have the time or mental wherewithal to do, but for now, it's a nice habit to practice.

I'm in a great place with how much I'm eating. There's no food I can't have right now. Quite the contrary actually. If I want dessert, I try to find something very decadent and rich to eat. That way, it feels special and I feel satisfied after just a few bites. If I want pizza, I get the best looking slice I can find, maybe two slices! And enjoy every morsel. Usually I want veggies or whole grains or some filling lean protein. But when I crave something else, I have it.

I guess a lot of what led me to this place of relaxation and ease with some of this stuff is this book I've mentioned a few times called "Fit From Within." It's just a collection of really short chapters on ways to eat and live more intuitively and naturally, without having to focus on what you're eating or not eating. It is certainly something that wouldn't have helped me when I had 110+ pounds to lose. I needed something much more guided then. But now that I've lost the weigh and I'm in a place of wanting to lose a tiny bit more, but mostly to maintain my weight, while getting my mind out of the place of needing to count calories or deprive myself of certain things, this book has been a nice tool. I haven't even read the whole thing. But after just a few pages you really start to get a sense of what this woman is talking about. And you begin to realize the ways in which you, or I guess I should say 'I', have NOT been living/eating as intuitively as I'd like to be.

Ultimately, I don't want to have to think about any of it. I want to be 40, 50, 60 years old, naturally thin, active, healthy, and able to eat three squares a day that maintain my weight, keep me nutritiously fueled, and allow for a giant piece of cake once a month - all without having to think about it much more than "Hm. I should probably go for a run tomorrow. That was a big glass of wine."

THAT is the reality I dream of. I'm not there yet. But I'm closer than I was a month ago. And much closer than I was 6 years ago. It's exciting. And I know it's within reach.

Something very obvious that this book discusses is the idea that life doesn't revolve around eating. I KNOW it, but I haven't fully lived it, possibly ever. It's been really nice to learn to have an understanding of what that means and to consider being finished thinking about food for a while when I've finished the last bite of a meal. It's an ongoing process, but something I'm grateful to have in my frame of reference now. There is no doubt in my mind that reading this book is helping me enjoy food in a different way and is helping me to live a more fulfilling life by not caring so much about what I eat.

I feel 28, I really do. Whatever the hell that means. I feel more mature, responsible, capable, and qualified than I ever have before in my life. It's really sort of a wonderful place to be. I had a really tough fucking time of it in my late teens and early twenties. It was easily the darkest darkness I think I'll ever know. It gave me the capacity to relate to people who've lived through difficult circumstances. And I feel now like I've really earned my 28 years. I feel that I really deserve to say No to people when I say No, to stand up for myself when I do, to have the friends and family I have, to be in the relationship I'm in. And I also have a greater sense than ever before that this is "It." Meaning, my life is not gonna be starting at any point in the future. This is IT. For better or worse, this is my life, this is my ADULT life. This is who I am and every day is a day in my life. I'm not waiting for anything to happen or any big event to change everything or for anything to begin. There is no "once I" or "as soon as I" or "someday I'll" that makes NOW any less real or less My Life. It's interesting to realize that I haven't fully felt that way until now. And I'm not sure what made me realize it. There's just something so adult about hearing myself say "28" when asked how hold I am. I remember being a kid and thinking 28 was ancient.

Anyway, you get the idea.

Oh and a quick note about my job: It's good for a paycheck. And I'm glad I have a job and health benefits in this difficult economic time. I'm still regularly broke and have to be very aware of what I'm spending, but it could absolutely be significantly worse and I know that. And I'm grateful for the privilege to come to work every day. That said, things have been a bit insane around here lately. There has been some major drama going on that is no fun. Offices, I find, are like that. There's drama. I do not want to be someone who ends up spending her life working in an office environment. (The chairs alone would kill me.) So my movable goal is to stay here for another year (this past week was my 1 year anniversary at this job), and leave to move onto greener pastures. Pastures that are not in an office. It's not THIS office that I don't want to work in - it's not so bad - it's all of them that I don't want to work in. This is not what I want for my life. (Which is happening NOW, btw ;) I'm not sure what I'll do or what it will involve - though I have some ideas. But I am sure that I want a lifestyle different than this one. And it's my lose goal to be able to get there by my 29th birthday. I can certainly tough it out in the meantime. After all, this IS my life, and I'll be damned if I'm going to be a grouch about my job every day, even if it's not the ideal workplace. So in the year that I have left here, I'm going to attempt to make the most of it - since I'm sure there are aspects of it that I'll miss when it's gone. I'm hoping that the next calendar year, starting right now, will be about opening myself up to finding out what the next thing will be. I'm eager to embark on what will hopefully be a journey of discovery in that regard.

On a much lighter, less hippie-chick note, I'm so excited that it's basically the holidays! I love the holidays. I had a fun Halloween - check, and a great birthday - check, and now it's onto Thanksgiving. Kev and I are going to cook at our house for ourselves and our friend Daniel for turkey day. And we're also planning to volunteer that day (which is proving harder than expected - I can't get anyone to call me back about volunteering!), or if not on Thursday, at some point that weekend. I want to really focus on giving back and giving of myself this holiday season. It's something I need a lot more of in my life. And I think the constant purchasing of material gifts for the people we love this time of year is absolutely inane. So I'm boycotting that, I'm going to make most of my presents this year, and I'm going to try to do a little volunteering. It's a start.

I'm excited to cook my first-ever Thanksgiving meal! I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing. Should be fun! :) Having a Home for the first time in a long time (my last apartment was not a place that anyone would want to spend a great deal of time - very dingy, dark, and not conducive to comfort), and having a home with Kevin, has been so fun for me and for us as a couple. And of course, the holidays will now be that much more exciting! I have a house to decorate, much to my Jewish boyfriend's dismay, with Christmas paraphernalia, holiday tunes to play, and general festivity to exude. I'm excited. We're going to put up our tree the day after Thanksgiving. I bought some trimmings for it this past weekend, I already have a ton of ornaments, and I bought us four cheap stockings (Jen, Kevin, Floyd, and Chawser) and we put our names on them with glue and glitter! Awwww. So gross and crafty I can't even stand it. But it was fun. And I'm having a blast with it.

I'm so excited to get the tree put up and our house smelling like pine, and to snuggle in for a festive December. It's cold here today, and as I was walking to work this morning, there were tons of workers putting up holiday decorations all over the city. It felt so nice. And of course 5th Avenue is already completely decorated with lights, bows, and bells. It's about that time!

YUCK.

I'm sick. I'm 98% sure it's the flu. Zzzzzzzzz.

Belated Birthday Blogging

Sooo. Long overdue blogpost here.

Let me first starting by saying that I'm 97% certain that I'm getting sick. Kevin's health has been slowly declining in the last week or so and it all culminated with him finally crashing yesterday. We've been going nonstop for a solid two weeks now. And yesterday we took a nice long 45 minute walk through the park, during which he seemed fine and said he felt good, but then we got on the subway (final destination was to be Ikea to look for new beds) and he looked at me with these big puppy dogs eyes and said that he felt really drained and yucky all of a sudden. The poor guy. We got off the train, got him some lunch, and turned right back around to go home. No need to put him through a full day of shopping and walking around.

He spent the rest of the day on the pull-out couch (we've been sleeping in the living room because there's a serious draft in our bedroom that we haven't had a chance to mend yet), watching TV, resting, sipping tea, and eating soup and a grilled cheese sandwich.

I woke up at 3am to him coughing like crazy, which broke my heart. I got up and fixed him some theraflu, but I noticed that I suddenly also didn't feel 100%. My ears were feeling cloggy, my throat was hurting, my sinuses all felt sore and I had a killer headache. I'm sure it didn't help that I, as a final birthday weekend hurrah, had two margaritas and a cupcake last night. But after getting a full 8 hours of sleep and plenty of water, I still feel pretty lethargic, achey, and generally not 100% today. Alas, all good things do come to an end, don't they.

Good things: I had a wonderful birthday! :) My actual birthday was on Friday.

Rewind to two Fridays ago, Halloween, which is also my good friend Faryn's birthday. She had a party at a bar downtown. We all dressed up in costumes (I was a Kid on Christmas Morning) and we got pretty drunk. It was the first time in a long time that I've gone out full tilt like that. It was fun for a little while but after a few drinks I was pretty miserable and ready to get the hell out of there. It was hot, dark, and very very crowded. So that was big party night Number One.

Then, Tuesday was Election Day, as you're all well aware. I had a party at my apartment that night. Kevin couldn't be there because he was hosting a political type comedy show at the PIT (the theater we're involved in). I was bummed we didn't get to be together on election night but he got home in time to watch Obama's speech, so that was nice. That was another alcohol-infused, food-infused event. We had a great time. My neighborhood went absolutely insane when it was announced that Obama won. It was easily one of the best, most memorable nights of my life. But in terms of healthy living, I ate a lot and drank a lot that night. More than I intended to. And my stomach certainly paid for it for the next few days. So that was another big party night, only a few days after the one prior.

Two days later, Thursday, was my birthday eve. I worked during the day on Thursday, had to do a quick 10-minute sketch comedy set around 7:30pm and then began my Birthday Weekend. :)I took Friday off work (which was a brilliant move that I now plan to execute every year for my birthday) so Thursday night was a small birthday party at a bar in the East Village. I met up with Kevin before the pary, who looked adorable and was obviously very excited to shower me with birthday love for a few days. We grabbed a quick sandwich at this falafel place (best chicken shwarma I've ever had) and then headed to the bar.

It ended up being a really nice night. We didn't stay too late, which was lovely, and I only had a couple beers and did a shot of some yummy blueberry vodka. Then! At midnight! Kevin surprised me, with the help of a few of our friends, with 28 gourmet cupcakes! (28th birthday.) Everyone sang to me, then I blew out the candles and enjoyed a most-delicious cupcake. We left shortly after that, with our friends Faryn and David, who live near us. Before we got in the cab, we got some pizza (I split a slice with Faryn), which was also delicious. So it was a fun party, all my dearest friends showed up, and I didn't get too drunk or too full on cupcakes, which was ideal. (We had plenty of leftover cupcakes, though. I made Faryn take a whole tray of them home with her. Thank god.)

When we got home that night, it was probably around 1:30am (so, officially my birthday), and I got another wonderful surprise. Kevin, who is honestly the best guy I've ever known :), had cleaned the entire apartment INCLUDING reorganizing a messy closet that had been stressing me out. AND he set up big balloons and a stunning boquet of roses in the kitchen, which were waiting for me when I walked in. I almost cried. It was the sweetest, most perfect surprise. I love flowers, especially roses, especially yellow roses, I love surprises, I haven't gotten balloons on a birthday in AGES, and I felt so special. And it never left my mind that I was also carting around a big bag of delicious CUPCAKES. What girl would not be thrilled? Balloons, roses, cupcakes, a CLEAN APARTMENT, and surprises! I was in heaven. I could not stop thanking him and smooching him. It was awesome.

There were also a couple gifts and cards on the table, but I decided to wait until the morning to open them. I'm pretty strict like that about birthday presents, and Christmas presents for that matter.

We woke up around 10:45 on my birthday. And I was pleased as can be to be alive. I'd had a really fun party and if my birthday had ended right when I walked in the door the night before, I would have been happy. But there was more in store! Yessss.

I was so glad I took the day off work. We decided to just relax and do whatever we pleased all day. It was so lovely. We sat at the kitchen table in the morning and opened my presents in our pajamas, while my phone buzzed nonstop with text messages, emails, and phone calls. It was so nice. I think I had a perma-grin on my face all day long on Friday. I got lots of lovely presents from my mom, cards from family, another awesome gift from Kevin (wonderful slippers called Hot Sox that you can heat in the microwave to keep your feet toasty in the winter), and a card from my cats. ;)

After present-opening, we decided to take a nice long walk through the park. The fall colors in Prospect Park are absolutely breathtaking right now. We were pretty hungry when we left the house but we wanted to wait to eat, because we'd planned to make a big breakfast after our long walk. But birthday excitement and hunger got the best of me and I did something I've been daydreaming of doing for probably a year now. I went to McDonalds.

We decided to split a quarter pounder and a small fry. That was more than enough food - so ridiculous to think there was a time years ago when I could have eaten the entire meal and then some, but half of the sandwich a few fries was more than enough. Let me just say: Yum. It's certainly not something I could eat everyday or even every week, and I did feel a little odd/gross after I finished eating, but it was delicious (in that fake kinda way) and definitely satisfied a craving.

We set off on our walk right away, which easily burned off everything we ate at McDonalds. It was a nice long walk, about an hour and a half, and I got to chat with my mom on the phone at one point, which was also nice. I love taking walks with Kevin. It's very peaceful.

Once home, we showered and got ready to head into the city. He had a show at 7, I had one at 11, and I wanted to stop by DSW to look for boots AND get a massage beforehand. DSW yielded nothing, but the massage, 60 full minutes, was very nice. I watched Kevin's show at 7, and then he took me out to a fancy dinner at a place called The House.

It was a FANCY place so I felt a little out of my element, but it was deeeelicious food and a very enjoyable experience overall. Great atmosphere, good wine, good service. I really enjoyed it. Kev told me over dinner that he had one more surprise for me: he's taking me to see one of our favorite stand-up comedians at the end of the month! Awwww. Great present.

After dinner, including delicious dessert of which I only had a few bites, we decided to walk off our meal once again by heading back to the theater on foot. Only about a 20 minute walk, but good for calorie-burning.

I did my show at 11, which was fun, and then Kevin and I headed home. I didn't think my stomach could handle another night of drinking, so I opted out of the bar scene, even though it was technically still my birthday. We just went home instead. Where I had a cupcake. ;)

The next day, Saturday, which I decided was still my birthday, sorta, was a lovely day. It rained like crazy for most of the day, but I didn't mind. I woke up around 11, Kevin made us a big delicious breakfast, then I fell back to sleep! I woke up momentarily when Kevin kissed me goodbye (he had to go into the city for a meeting for most of the day and was then doing a show at night) and I proceeded to fall right back to sleep. FOR THREE HOURS! Amazing.

Of course I woke up around 4pm in a fit of "What the fuck just happened?!" and I had a little bit of guilt that I'd wasted the day. But it seems I really needed that sleep. I haven't had a good midday nap like that in a long time. I felt awesome when I woke up. Since it was raining all day long, the cats slept with me the entire time. Lovely.

After that, I got my act together, enjoying the solitude in every respect, and headed to Target. I had a gift certificate to spend and some birthday money to spend. It was great - I let myself get a bunch of new stuff that I wouldn't normally spring for (new winter boots, some new sweaters and tops, new finger bowls for smaller portions) and had a great time doing it. Then I went to the new Trader Joe's in Brooklyn, which was also delightful. I had a bit of a train nightmare trying to get there, but I didn't mind. Once I arrived, I enjoyed another great shopping trip. This location is bigger and less hectic than the one in Union Square. I got lots of great stuff. And then took a cab home. I was feeling very content.

Once home, I noticed that the rain had cleared and we were enjoying a beautiful night. Even though it was lateish, I had a ton of energy (from my huge nap), so I set out on a long run. It was so wonderful. There were lots of people out running around the park or walking their dogs, and the leaves on the ground were crunching beneath my feet. I hadn't gone on a long outdoor run in quite some time and it was easy and awesome. I felt fantastic. An hour later, a little sore and definitely hungry, I headed home.

I stretched, made a great big meal (chicken sausage with peppers and onions, butternut squash soup, a big spinach salad, and a piece of focaccia bread) since I hadn't eaten since breakfast, and settled in for some TV. Alllll alone. :) :)

I haven't spent an almost-entire-day alone in a long time. I love to spend time by myself. I was an only child so I'm sure that has something to do with it. I love hanging out with Kevin, but there's something equally as delightful in being able to be completely by myself. I spent the day exactly as I wanted to: I got to exercise, got to shop at my own pace, got to watch whatever I wanted on tv - it was just a great day. A second birthday, if you will. ;)

Yesterday, Sunday, was a gorgeous, sunny, warm day. I went out for coffee and then made a big breakfast while Kevin slept in (his sickness was creeping in) and woke him up to eat. Then we took our walk, enjoying the weather, the beautiful leaves, the people watching, and the delightful Brooklyn Sunday.

After Kevin's sickness kicked in and we cut our trip short to head home so he could rest, I forced myself to go for another outdoor run. I didn't necessarily want to, and I'd already gone on a long walk earlier in the day. But I had plans to go out for Tex Mex dinner at my favorite restaurant with Daniel. Last birthday hurrah. (Daniel hadn't been able to come to my party on Thursday.) So I decided that if I had the time to kill and knew I was going out for a big meal, a run was probably the responsible move. It ended up being another great one, though, so I'm glad I went. I stretched and did some abs when I got home. Then I showered, made Kevin some get-well dinner, and headed back out to meet up with Daniel.

A big meal of fajitas and two strong margaritas later, Daniel came back to the apartment with me to watch some TV and have one of those fancy cupcakes.

I was stuffed (and still tipsy) when I got into bed. I had snacked on a couple more items after Daniel left, which was totally unnecessary and made me feel sick with fullness. But I vowed that that would be the end of the celebrating for a while and made my peace with it all before falling asleep.

A great birthday, a great birthday weekend, and I'm now glad to return to some normalcy.

I do 'feel' 28, whatever that means. Most importantly, I know it's going to be another really good year.

I've got nothing to celebrate in the next few weeks, no big parties, no birthdays, no elections, no reason to overeat or overdrink. And that's fine by me. I need a little detox after this week and a half of indulgence.

I will say that in terms of the potential for damage, I did very little. And I wrote down every morsel, for accountability, and (generally) stopped when I was full. I only had bites of things that seemed to be too rich or filling for me to eat in their entirety, I drank lots of water, kept the alcohol consumption relatively low for the most part, and the best best part is that despite being busy every night, and despite being in celebration mode half the time, I didn't let exercise fall by the wayside once.

This past week was another week of 6 workouts. And it felt really good. I know that my exercise has been instrumental in my not gaining 5 pounds or feeling like a big donut after all these festivities. Again, I was pretty good and never stuffed my face (except for maybe a little on election night - yikes), but the exercise is key. I've been enjoying the hell out of working up a sweat every day. And I don't see that changing any time soon. Even when I'm not able to get a formal heart-pumping session in, I've been choosing to go for long walks to get from point A to B, rather than taking the subway. The key this upcoming week is to a.) accept the inevitable gain I will see on the scale tomorrow, b.) keep exercising, and c.) return to a healthy, diverse diet with plenty of fruits and greens, and WITHOUT rich desserts every night. I know I can do it. I know I will see a birthday gain on the scale tomorrow, but I know I can return to normalcy without much fuss. The ability to do that, which I've honed over the years, is a blessing. (The book I'm reading "Fit From Within," is really interesting and has allowed me to shift perspective recently on what role food plays in my life. Good stuff there.)

Hopefully, mostly for myself more than anything, I will post some thoughts soon on turning 28 and what I hope for out of the next year (just like I did last year - and a lot of those hopes became reality!) because I think it really helps me to reframe and refocus. But for now, I had a really nice, really lovely, really thoughtful-thanks-to-my-wonderful-boyfriend birthday that made me feel really special and loved. It was a perfect few days, spent exactly as I hoped they'd be spent - enjoying myself and my friends. :) I can't say I'm not bummed that it's over. Returning to work this morning was not fun. But with Thanksgiving vacation only 2.5 weeks away, I think I'll be okay.