Hello, Strangers!

Well, I wasn't sure I'd ever post on this site again, since all my web-goings on are happening over at follow my bliss. And I'm pretty sure that the three or four people who check this particular site on a daily basis are just checking it to hop over to follow my bliss for the real non-weight-loss related updates. But, surprise! Here's a post I'm writing more for my own accountability and recording of my weight loss journey than anything else. It's nice to be back. :)

First of all, this past September 27 was my SEVEN YEAR anniversary since joining weight watchers and embarking on the journey that would ultimately net in my losing 115 pounds. I cannot believe - and I can believe - that it's been seven years. That's a long time and I think it's safe to say that my own personal "tipping point" took place long ago. I'm no longer the fat, unhappy girl who struggles with her relationship with food and her motivation to exercise like I was back in the day. And I haven't been that girl in years. What a blessing to have gone through that fiery time in my life and emerged victorious. I'm not cured, but I'm managing just fine.

That brings me to the present. Lots is going on in my world, but like I said, anyone who's reading this probably knows it already, so I won't go into the details. My current relationship with my weight, though, is something I rarely discuss in specific on my other blog.

In short: Things are good! I'm happy and healthy and I feel good about my ability to maintain my weight within this range. So I lost the 115 pounds, which culminated at the end of 2005, I believe. Then, I maintained that weight for a while. I was still "trying" to lose more weight, but it wasn't happening. I was just maintaining where I was, and that was ultimately okay.

Then I got into a new relationship and started to realize how "HERE" I really was in terms of finally being a thin, healthy person. So while I grew accustomed to that girl and while I got used to be in a serious relationship as a thin, healthy person, and while I started to do more "normal" things I hadn't done in years, like eat more than one slice of pizza, order Chinese food at 2am, have 5 beers because I wanted to have fun with my friends, I slowly started to gain some weight back.

It wasn't a devastating thing by any means. And in the end, I only gained around 20 pounds. Sure, 20 pounds sounds like a lot, but when you've dealt with losing over 100, 20 pounds is what it is. All you can do is stop the bleeding and move on as quickly as possible.

I'm actually glad I regained that weight. It was a bit distressing at the time, but I was also finally reteaching myself to live in the real world, without being "in the process" of losing weight like I'd been for the three years I spent getting the 115 pounds off my body. It was fun to let myself do some of the things I'd avoided during those three years. And I was never a fanatic by any means, when I was losing the weight to begin with. I always let myself indulge occasionally, never pushed myself to exercise in a way that seemed too far to me - that's probably why it took 3 years for me to lose all the weight. But the slow and steady progress was a good thing for me. And gaining the 20 pounds back while I learned how to eat a donut and let it go without having to immediately write the points down somewhere, was also a good thing for me. I continued to exercise and count my points during those two years, during those 20 pounds gained, so I never left the program or the process, I'd just loosened the reigns a bit.

Then, at the beginning of 2008, after about two years of slowly putting those 20 pounds back on, I decided enough was enough and I was going to finally lose those 20 pounds again. I felt ready, after two years of being more relaxed about it all, to refocus, recommit myself to some more serious exercise, to eating healthier things and making my weight a priority again. I was ready to do it and happy to do it. I got my "play time" out of my system and I no longer felt remotely deprived or like the odd man out who had to always be aware of how many calories was in something, because I let myself play around for those two years. It was time to get back to it.

But, it was also time to really strike a balance. How can I really make this the rest of my life? Again, when I lost those first 100 pounds, I wasn't depriving myself or unhappy with my lifestyle. But I still knew I was working toward a goal - that I had weight to lose and that there would come a time when I wouldn't have to focus so much on it. So when I faced losing those extra 20 pounds again, I really wanted to find a way to make a healthy lifestyle work for me forever - something that didn't have an end date.

I did get caught up in the excitement of losing weight again. And I worked out a lot (still nothing crazy, but probably more than I could maintain forever) and really enjoyed making a big push to get the weight off. I still ate mostly what I wanted, while keeping track of it. And I was able to lose 10 pounds over the course of the year. That might not seem like a lot but it was a great victory for me. I was doing it all by myself, I wasn't going to meetings or working with anyone, and I was able to make a concerted and genuine effort that paid off over the entire year. I felt really good about that progress. I knew I'd never drop 3 or 5 pounds at a time like I used to. Approximately a pound each month was good enough for me. I felt great.

I entered into this year, 2009, with that 10 pounds gone. I gained a bit of water and sweets weight over the holidays, but I was able to get that off pretty quickly. I continued with my commitment to exercise and continued with my philosophy on eating, which was that I ate what I wanted and practiced moderation. I never stayed within my points, nor did I during 2008 when I lost those 10 pounds. But I kept a record of what I was eating, said no to food from time to time, practiced restraint when I felt that I needed to, and maintained a sense of balance in my life about the whole thing.

Then I got sick with the stomach flu over the summer. I was deathly, painfully ill for a whopping 36 hours, but it ravaged me. I haven't been that sick since I was a child. I couldn't keep anything down and wanted to die. It sucked. And it blew an entire week of exercise.

It was next to impossible not to keep myself from freaking out about the fact that I hadn't worked out, but I had to let it go, because honestly? That's a little nuts. I didn't like who I was when I obsessed about not having exercised in the week before, during and after my Killer Illness 2009. That wasn't balance, that was kooky-town.

So I took some stock after that. I thought, you really need to learn how to avoid letting how much you exercise determine how good you feel about yourself. Of course, there's a direct correlation between exercise and mental wellness. And I knew that and wanted to maintain that in my life, yes. But I also knew that what was mentally UNwell was how much I relied on whether or not I exercised to feel good about my body that week. Silliness.

So I intentionally exercised less, and lo and behold, I started to want to exercise less. It was nice. I didn't change my eating too much, though. I still kept track of it and was naturally less hungry because I wasn't burning so many calories each week, but I basically ate the same.

And I gained about 5 pounds.

Now, this is not a big deal at all to me, again. I'm not upset at having gained 5 pounds, I'm not disappointed in myself. I sort of expected it to happen. Of course I'd hoped to just maintain my weight, rather than to combat having gained a little bit, but I'm not surprised, nor am I distressed. I do plan, however, to put a little focus back on it, a little spotlight, and lose those 5 pounds. Maybe another 10. We'll see!

So I did something on a whim that sorta surprised me, but feels like a good move. I rejoined Weight Watchers! Wahoo! I'm glad I did this. I'm even going to go back to meetings. I haven't regularly attended meetings in years and I'm really looking forward to the experience. I used to go to a fantastic meeting on Fridays at lunchtime and I'm pretty sure it's still there. Just 45 minutes there is like a whole therapy session, and much cheaper, so I'm excited to go weigh in, see old familiar faces, and sit my butt down to learn what's new in the world of weight loss.

They have a deal going right now, buy one month, get the second free. So I did that, which means I'll be a WWer for at least two months. I'm using the online system, and still going over my points every day - classic Jen - but I'm eating less than I have been in recent weeks and that's good for weight loss.

I'm still not back to working out how I was before I got sick / had that epiphany about the fact that I was obsessed with exercising. And I don't want to go back to a place where skipping a week of workouts makes me unable to think straight. But I do want to rediscover a safe, healthy routine that I enjoy and makes me feel great. I've still been working out for these last few months, don't get me wrong. It's just much less than it was. Instead of 6 days a week, I'm doing more like 3-4. And I plan to continue along that path, but with just a little bit more awareness and intent.

I haven't gone to my first meeting yet. I rejoined online on Saturday and I think I'll go to a meeting this Friday. It's fun! I'm having a good time counting points, something I'd quit doing in favor of keeping track of calories instead. And I like logging onto the website and reading their articles and feeling like I'm part of a weight loss community again.

There is an aspect of it that's almost makes me feel like a chronic hospital-goer. Meaning, I don't want to have to lose weight, but now that I'm back in it, I think I sort of like the distraction of this project. I have a million and one things going on in my life right now that I cannot control or don't know how to address, and this is something I know I can handle and something I know I can improve. I had two breast surgeries in my early twenties, when I was fat and unhappy. And even though I didn't, by any means, like being in the hospital, it was kind of nice to have the distraction from my real life - having nurses and doctors tend to me, having only to focus on healing my surgical wounds, rather than on healing everything else in my life that needed healing. Being tended to and helped by these professionals made me feel safe and comforted, even if the circumstances surrounding it were unpleasant. Returning to WW feels a little that way. Having a few extra pounds to lose and going back to a familiar place of healing and being tended-to is kind of nice, even if it would be all-together nicer not to be dealing with any of it at all.

I suppose I like how it feels to control my weight. And that's something I want to have power over right now, while so much else in my life feels in flux.

So, I'm back! For the time being anyway. I have no idea how much or little I will write here about the process. But I wanted to come share where I am. It's a fluid, ever-changing balancing-act, learning to be a healthy person when you once suffered from an eating disorder. But I embrace that fact. I'm comfortable with the idea of having to manage this "disease" that once plagued my entire life and is now just an afterthought that I have to tend to every few months. When I told Kevin, my boyfriend of almost 3 years, that I was going back to WW on a whim, he said he thought that was great, loves me and how I look today, but he understands if I want to revisit my old processes. He said he loves how I'm constantly evolving person who picks something up, works with it for a while, recognizes when it's not as effective as it once was, and puts it down to pick up something new to try on for size. He said he respects how responsive I am to my own being-human and how impressive it is to see someone being tuned into their own needs without judgment or self-loathing, but only an eager spirit. I mean, that pretty much swept me off my feet. ;) It was nice to hear and I let those compliments wash over me and be true. Because they are.

I'll let you know how it goes!! Thanks for reading. :)

Another unintentionally long break between entries on this blog. Apologies.

Here are some photos from the trip I took to Miami for my friends' wedding! (It was really fun, I had a great time - there was dancing, drinking, laughing, fighting, laying in the sun - a well-rounded trip. The weather was amazing, I overate on a few occasions but also exercised on a few occasions and mostly returned to New York unscathed and slightly tan.)


Kevin and me on South Beach!


Rebecca the bride, my good friend Clayton, me, and Rebecca's grandmother - at the rehearsal luncheon.


Some of us all dressed up for the big event, waiting for the bride to emerge from her suite. ;)


Sara, me, Faryn and Katie - A mini photo-shoot by the hotel pool before we headed across town to the church. It was a really lovely evening.


This is NOT the entire wedding party, in fact. Just 7 of us, and the bride and groom. But this IS the my entire sketch comedy group. The bride and groom are in the sketch group and they asked all of us to be in their wedding! It was an honor.


Dancin the night away! That's me, Kevin, and my good friend Faryn in the background.


And to top off a great weekend, I found $20 when we were making our final walk to the hotel to collect our bags! It paid for our cab to the airport. :)

A great trip.

I'll write an official post about real life in the next couple days.

You guys!

It's been far too long since I posted on here. I've been busy posting over here on follow my bliss, but I've also just been busy, in general. Same old story.

So, let's see.... Well, we found an amazing new brunch spot in our neighborhood.

I couldn't decide which photo of my breakfast quesadilla to share with you, so you're getting both.

This thing was to die for. Eggs, guac, cheese, pico de gallo, other stuff I can't remember. It was heavenly.

The place is called Enduro. We'd actually been to there before, for dinner. It's like THE one place within just a few blocks of our apartment that we feel comfortable going to for a sit-down meal. We've got plenty of take out options, but most of the actual sit-down restaurants in our neighborhood aren't exactly places I'd trust to prepare my food. Luckily, we're a short walk from a really trendy restaurant neighborhood, Park Slope, so we go there a lot.

This past Saturday morning, we decided to see if Enduro was open for brunch. Neither of us felt like cooking breakfast and we were both really hungry. And luckily, they DO serve brunch, so we went. We wanted to try everything on the menu.

And *blush* we woke up Sunday morning and decided to go back! Ha. We ate there for brunch two days in a row.

I am a Mexican food freak. It's almost a fetish. I'm in love with Mexican food and probably eat some version of it at least 3 times a week, if not more. All my favorite restaurants are Latin-themed in their flavors. Don't get me wrong, I love lots of cuisines, but my default is Latin.

ANYWAY. Things are pretty good by me. I'm struggling through the winter - although at this point, I'm almost immune to it. I want to kill it, die, and kill it again 100x a day, but that thought has moved to the back burners of my brain, rather than occupying a spot right up front like it was doing when the cold weather first began. Suffice it to say, I cannot wait for warmer weather. We've had little tastelettes of it recently, a few 50 degree days, one day in the 60s (holy mother of God that was delicious). They're just enough to whet my whistle and I've made good use of them.

I am, however, going to Miami next weekend! My good friends Chris and Rebe (who are also members of the sketch comedy group I'm in) are getting married! This wedding has been planned for quite a long time. I, along with 100 of my nearest and dearest, witnessed the engagement itself last December, because Chris proposed to Rebecca during a sketch comedy show - in the last sketch of our last show of 2007. None of us knew he was going to do it. And there was not a dry eye in the house. Fun night. They've since had plenty of festivities to celebrate their impending nuptials and next Thursday, we'll all finally head down to Miami and watch them make it official.

Rebecca is from Miami (Chris is from Long Island, NY) and I'm sure it's going to be an affair to remember. She has eight (eight) attending ladies, which boggles my mind. But I think it will be really fun. Both of their families are a fun bunch, all of our friends are crazy fun people, and my sketch group itself is like a big family. We've traveled a lot together in the 4 years we've been a comedy group so this will feel just like another HST trip - but with marriage!

I'm looking forward to it. There will be several different parties, lots of drinking, hopefully some laying in the sun, definitely some dancing, and plenty of wearing Miami-style outfits and Miami-style make up. I have no idea what that last part entails, exactly, but I do know that I MUST go out this weekend and buy some stuff to wear because I have NOTHING that's fitting for a night out on the town in Miami. And I also know that our bridesmaids dresses? Are short hot pink halter topped dresses. And we will not be wearing bras. So.

I'll post pics if I can stand to look at them myself. ;)

That's next weekend. In the meantime, my head is spinning. Things at work have shifted around a bit (more on that in a minute); The two women who own the house Kevin and I live in (we have the first floor of a three-story brownstone) are most likely selling the house and moving home to Texas soon (we will probably get to stay as tenants), so they're showing the place, which obviously means we have to keep the damn apartment clean, de-cluttered, and neat looking. (Ugh. There's no TIME, ladies!); Comedy stuff is busy right now - my improv group is ramping up into another year, and that involves lots of little details like new postcards, new photos, creating a logo, getting some press to cover us, making promotional videos, etc. - and I'm team "captain" so I stress about how much I'm doing (or not doing) to help it all along. (Luckily the team is comprised of awesome people who are awesomely productive and on top of stuff). HST is sorta treading water right now while we all prepare to go down to Miami, but we're still rehearsing and doing shows every week, so it's still a big time commitment; And besides all the usual stuff (gym, healthy eating, boyfriend lovin', day job, night job, etc. etc. etceraaaaaaa), I'm trying to leave my job and go do something else that makes me happy. Figuring that out is, in and of itself, a part-time job. I'm really glad I'm doing it, and I have no other choice. But the point is, I'm overwhelmed. I know the task of being a mother is an incredibly overwhelming one too, but sometimes I imagine that if and when I ever get pregnant, I'm going to breathe a huge sigh of relief knowing that I have a really good excuse to quit doing some of this stuff and just BE for a little bit. ;)

Work: long story short, they let one of the attorneys go in order to downsize. They're trying to save money. Then they suggested to the office manager that she also let an assistant (which is what I do) go. She said no. They said, come up with another option, then.

So, since one of the attorneys I assist is the guy who they let go, I'm naturally the assist who's job is on the line, since my workload just got cut in half. I did NOT get laid off, thank god. I did have a dream over the weekend that I got laid off. And then I came in on Monday morning and had a conversation with the office manager where she told me that I could have been, but instead, they're going to combine the job I do now with the receptionist position they've been trying to fill lately, get rid of the temp receptionist, and I will do both jobs. They'll move my desk up to reception (so, basically, I'll be the receptionist) and I'll still assist the other attorney I work with from that desk.

A few thoughts about this: 1.) Whatever. Fine. As long as my salary doesn't change, who cares. 2.) I could see it as a bit of a smack in the face, since it's not very glamorous to be a receptionist and the assistants in this office sort of take higher status over the receptionist a lot. 3.) Thank god I don't care about that stuff. 4.) I think this might end up being a really good thing. I won't be sitting next to the two coworkers who drive me batty anymore and I think I will have more free time. No one can see the receptionists computer, whereas people walk by my current computer all day long, so once I'm up there I will be able to blog, research my next step, or go on facebook a bit more privately. :) So I'm seeing it as a little nod from the universe that I'm on the right path with my quest to leave my desk job. I've been yearning for a little bit of time and space to focus more on my own stuff - and every little bit counts.

Weight loss: It's all good. For a while, I thought I'd made a mistake with my calorie calculations and the extra points I was giving myself. I had a relatively high week of food consumption and definitely felt like I'd put on a pound at the end of it. I panicked a little, went back to checking the scale daily, ate a tiny bit less each day (just like 3 points less, actually), and the scale responded and returned to it's rightful place in the world. Phew.

So, as of this morning, I'm on track to meet my goal to lose 2 pounds in the month of February! My official weigh-in is March 1, which is this Sunday. So I need to keep a check on my habits between now and then. But I think I will meet the goal. I'm THRILLED that this is the case. I set a very reasonable, very low goal. The very purpose of doing that is so that I might be able to actually achieve success. And it feels good to know it might happen. I saw the lowest number I've seen in several years this morning. I just smiled.

I've been good with exercise, as usual, although this past week, I skipped going to the gym on a couple days when I normally would have forced myself to go. But I thought, Eh. I don't want to. So I didn't. It made me slightly crazy, after the fact, to have skipped those workouts. Probably mostly because I have to wear a HOT PINK MINI DRESS IN A WEEK. I'm making exercise a priority this week so that I will feel as best as I can when I get down to Miami. I don't really care how I look quite as much as I care how I feel. If I'm feeling thin, fit, and healthy, I will be happy to strut my stuff in that dress.

I'm doing yoga religiously. It's changed my whole body. I'm thinner in places I never expected I could even lose weight. I zipped up an old dress the other day for the first time in who knows how long. I know it's the yoga. My arms, my upper torso, my thighs - everything. Granted, I've been doing some hard yoga at times (and some easy stuff other times), but most importantly, I'm doing it about 4 times a week. My body is loving it.

I'm running, walking, hiking, ellipticaling, and stair-stepping too. I like to mix it up with the cardio. I try to lift once a week as well, just for the hell of it.

An interesting thing I've noticed lately is that my sweet tooth is in overdrive. I could easily spend half of my daily calories on sweets. I don't, but I want to. I save a solid 5-8 points a day to spend on some kind of chocolatey sweet something. It's just how it is.

That's the update. Gotta post this and get outta the office. I've got a sketch comedy rehearsal tonight until 10pm, and THEN I have to go home and "de-clutter" our apartment so the landladies' broker can take photos of our apartment tomorrow. Ugh. I can think of a million other ways I'd rather spend my evening. But blah blah, right? :)

My weekend and my weight loss.

Kevin and I went to Philadelphia for Valentine's Day weekend! We had fun, and it was nice to get out of the city for the weekend. A good friend of Kevin's from childhood invited us to see a Ben Folds concert in Philly on Saturday, Valentine's Day evening, so Kev and I went down on Friday night and made a weekend out of it.

We caught the train down from Penn Station. Kevin had to work on Friday, but I called in sick so I could be part of a segment that the Rachael Ray show shot at The PIT, the theater where I perform with my improv and sketch comedy groups. I didn't have to be there until 1:30pm so I spent the morning cleaning, packing, exercising, and getting organized. The segment taping was a fun, easy afternoon. I had a great time and am excited to see it when it airs. (I'll try to mention it if I find out.) We were done shooting by 4:30pm and after I grabbed a quick bite, I met up with Kev and we hopped on the train.

We arrived in Philly two hours later and dropped our stuff off at the hotel, where we had a room on 24th floor with a nice view.



Then we headed back out for a really fun dinner at a place called Friday Saturday Sunday. It was lovely. We really liked the food - we shared a salad, a few "small plates" and a bottle of wine. The atmosphere was cool and romantic and I had a nice time.

When we got back to the hotel, a little tipsy, I proclaimed, as I often do, how much I wish we'd picked up some chocolate or a sweet treat. And what did my sweet boyfriend present to me, but a big box of Godiva truffles. He knows me. And he's awesome. I was elated. We shared three of them.

We woke up late the next day and eventually made our way down to breakfast at the hotel.





Breakfast was not that good and it was over-priced, but it did the trick and we had fun people-watching and hanging out.

And then we headed out to sight-see! It was a chilly afternoon, but we had a really fun time walking around, taking in the different neighborhoods and tourist attractions. I'd never been to the city of Philly before (only to the outlying areas) so Kevin showed me around.























It was a really good day. In the evening, we met up with Kevin's friend John and John's wife Casey. I'd never met them before and Kevin's known John for years, so it was great to finally get to know them. We had dinner at a cool place in some part of Philly - no idea which part - and eventually made our way to the concert. I don't know much of Ben Folds music, but what I do know, I like. It was a good time, a little bit long to be standing up, and I couldn't see that well, but the music was great and I enjoyed myself.

After the show was over, John and Casey drove us back to their new house in a Philly suburb and we stayed the night. They were very gracious hosts and we had a comfortable night's sleep. They have two cats who were really adorable and snuggly. The cats slept with us, which I loved.

We slept in the next morning and after Casey served us a yummy pancake breakfast, they drove us to the train station that afternoon. We were back at our apartment by 5:30pm. We were glad to be home. We really enjoyed our trip, but it also reminded us that we love living in New York right now. Plus, our cats were glad to see us.



All in all, it was such a great Valentine's weekend. We aren't huge on this holiday, but we don't ignore it completely either. And it was mostly a perfect excuse to get out of town, do some different stuff, and spend time alone together. Kevin planned and organized the whole thing and made sure I was having a good time at every turn. I'm madly in love with the guy and our relationship is a wonderful aspect of my life.

We came home to some sweet Valentine's cards from our parents, along with a little spending money from my mom and a suggestion that we treat ourselves, so we turned right back around and headed for Park Slope to go to our favorite restaurant, Santa Fe Grill. We briskly walked the 35 minutes to the restaurant and we were starving by the time we arrived. The food was amazing, as always, and we each had a margarita, and split a second one.

We spent Sunday evening crashed out in our apartment, me watching TV and stealing a couple pieces of Godiva chocolate and a couple homemade cookies here and there (woops!), and Kevin finishing a video he's been editing. I was dead tired around midnight and was asleep before my head hit the pillow. Kev stayed up working on his video and woke me up this morning to say goodbye before he left for work. I fell BACK to sleep, and slept until 11:30! I couldn't believe it. I was dead to the world. It was amazing. I must have really needed the sleep after two nights of staying up way past my bedtime, eating weird things at odd times, and generally being away from my usual routine.

I have today off work - hooraaaay!! - and I've really taken advantage of it so far. I've done NOTHING. And I love it. Sometimes I stress myself out by trying to cram a certain amount of "relaxing" and me-centered activities into vacation days like this one. I end up half enjoying myself and half obsessing about what time it is and how I'm going to get to do all my enjoyable things before nightfall. So silly! So I've taken my body's advice, let myself off the hook for having slept so late - I honestly couldn't have helped it if I wanted to - and I've lazed around in the living room. I've watched some tv, had my coffee, done some email checking, web surfing and blogging, and I finished the rest of my (really delicious) veggie burrito from last night's dinner. It was my breakfast and it was just as good, if not better, than it was last night. I'm still in my pajamas, wearing my glasses, and it's now almost 4pm.



Hi.

The cats are in the same state.



My current plan is to get dressed and make my way out into the world in the next hour or so, after I find some lunch in our bare kitchen. Then I'm going to go to the gym and do whatever strikes me for as long as I feel like it while I'm there, then I'll go to Trader Joe's and stock up for the week. I might also buy some ingredients for a few baking tests I'm thinking of doing later today. :) Then I plan to come back to the apartment, make myself some dinner (I need to cut back on spending for a while - I've been eating out a lot lately), do some yoga, and putter around the house. We'll see how much of that gets accomplished. No pressure either way.

I have really needed this weekend, it seems. Life, as usual, has been moving at quite a clip lately. When I'm not busy doing things, I'm busy coming up with things I want to do. It's not an awful way to live, but the contrast of this downtime is divine. I feel pretty relaxed right now, and even though there are things on my to-do list that are un-done, I know where my priorities are and things will get done as they will.

Next week is an incredibly busy one. I have something every night of the week, which is not unusual for me, but it hasn't been the case in for a couple weeks in a row now. So I'm currently spoiled and too used to this leisure. It's going to be challenge to fit in exercise, comedy rehearsals and shows, and my dayjob in this upcoming week, so the more I can power-down today and just organize myself and my house for the impending whirlwind, the better.

Food and exercise-wise, I'm feeling good. Here's a bunch of long paragraphs about it: ;)

I have to admit to scale-hopping a couple times since my Feb 1 weigh-in. *Blush* It has been hard to stay off that thing, but I've only gotten on it once or twice, and I am vowing not to do so again until March 1. I think I got on it partially due to an addictive need - I am more interested in that number than I want to be, I fully admit that. But I also got on it partially due to a desire to check in on where things stand.

I have come to a pretty significant realization recently, in my weight loss efforts: The amount of calories that I should consume per day, as suggested by Weight Watchers, is a lot less than what I actually should be eating in a day, in my opinion. I'm talking about myself now, and do not claim to know what is right for anyone else. This is just about me.

First of all, I have a suspicion that I burn a lot of calories in a day. Not only do I exercise religiously and pretty vigorously almost every day, but I also tend to be very active when I'm not exercising. I've said it before - I really think traversing the city every day can burn upwards up 300-400 extra calories a day. Despite almost always choosing healthy, filling natural, organic, nutrient-rich foods, I get hungry often and easily. If I don't eat 5-6 small meals a day, I will be ravenous. I'm very hungry right now. So I think I don't always realize what I'm burning in a day.

Even though I do try to consume a little bit more food to make up for those extra calories burned, I still think the amount of food WW suggests I should eat is too little, because I don't WANT to be losing 2+ pounds a week. I wonder if that sounds crazy. But it's 100% honest. I would much much rather lose .5 pounds a week, or even .25 pounds a week over the course of several months. It strikes me as bizarre to realize that I have been "losing weight" for over six years. Out of the last 6 years, I have spent probably a total of 4 of those years shedding weight, bit by bit, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly. There have been periods of gain, but the majority of the time has been spent losing weight at varying paces. And losing weight at a faster pace is honestly a feeling that is not a comfortable one for my body. When I'm in that state, I'm cold all the time, I'm usually hungry a lot, I'm more susceptible to headaches, I don't feel comfortable in my own skin, I feel like I'm becoming thinner and my body is changing shape and size at a pace that makes me uneasy. When I lose weight at a slower pace, I feel secure, I feel like I'm living a healthy lifestyle that's natural by-product is slow and steady weight loss. And in THAT comfortable state is how I want to live while I work to finish meeting my weight loss goal.

If I ate the amount of calories WW suggests for someone my age and height to lose weight on their program, I'd be eating anywhere between 250-700 calories less each day than I have been eating consistently for the past year. And I lost 10 pounds last year. Granted, as I continue to slowly lose weight, I'll have to eat a little less and a little less in order to compensate for being thinner, but that tends to happen naturally for me anyway.

I have done a lot of research in the last several months about how much I should be eating to slowly lose weight. Also, there are plenty of online calculators out there that allow you to plug in your age, your height, how much weight you want to lose and how long you want it to take. It spits out a calorie-range you should stay within every day in order to achieve that goal in that amount of time. If I convert that range into WW points, the number is as much as 10 points higher than what WW suggests I eat to lose weight at what is likely a much faster pace.

Now, I'm not remotely suggesting that WW is promoting eating too little to lose weight. I think their program is a very healthy, smart system. I lost 115 pounds attempting to follow it. I say 'attempting to' because I never followed it 100%, by eating only the amount of food they suggested I eat. I did my best to eat that amount every week, and succeeded or came close a lot of the time. But the rest of the time, I didn't. My eating was still enough of a departure from what I'd been eating when I was maintaining my obesity, that the weight came off even when I slipped up.

What I am suggesting is that for me, now, 6 years into this journey, I'm very comfortable in my body, hovering currently around 15 pounds above the weight I'd like to maintain forever, and I need and want to be eating more than someone who's looking to drop 2 to 3 pounds a week or someone who's natural lifestyle isn't very active. The choice to make this change in personal perspective is important for me because it has been very psychologically beneficial.

I'm no longer looking at it like I'm eating MORE than I should be. I'm looking at it like I'm eating exactly how much I should be. I'm still losing weight, as predicted, slowly. But I'm eating, net (after exercise), about 6-12 more points a day than I "should" be, according to WW. The old mindset finds me telling myself, "You did your best, but it wasn't perfect. Try again next week." The new mindset says, "You are making moderate, smart choices that have put you within the exact range you're aiming for. You are a success." It has a big psychological impact but how many calories I'm consuming hasn't really changed. I feel, now, that rather than making a forgivable mistake, I'm actually succeeding with flying colors. And that little bit of positive self-talk like that goes a long way. I feel better about myself.

I'm not sure where my weight will land when I weigh-in on March 1. I'm hoping for a 2 pound loss for the month. It could be something more like 1 pound, but I'm okay with that. Because I don't have all the proper systems to measure what I'm actually burning and consuming, I can only use an educated guess. All I know is that every single day, I'm making the best possible choices given each and every circumstance and I have been doing that for a long time now. I avoid eating when I'm not hungry, I stop eating when I get full, I satisfy my sweet tooth every day, I rarely if-ever overeat to the point of discomfort, and I try to get in as many nutrients as possible every day. So even if my food consumption is more than WW says it should be, it's exactly right for my current lifestyle. I'm not sure I could make dramatic alterations to the way I eat even if I thought I needed to. I have been eating intuitively and re-learning, every day, how to stay thin, for a long time now. I just had to realize that that's what I was doing and it's perfectly in line with my goals. I had to change the rules, not the method. It's precisely and exactly where I want to be.

updation station

Finally updated the links over there on the right to include my favorite blogs, and to include my new pretty blog. :)

Feels like forever...

...since I last posted. Same excuse as always - busy, stressed out at work, not enough time in the day, blah blah blah.

I have, however, been pouring myself into a new online activity that I've yet to mention on here, I just realized.

I started a new blog! It's called "follow my bliss. " Now I have three blogs. Three effin blogs?! Jeez. I know, I know. But I feel justified.

This blog is and always has been focused on my experience losing weight and staying healthy. Sure, I write about other things on here, but the healthy lifestyle is my focus on this blog. Also, this blog is the blog that I'm the most 'myself' when writing. I don't tell many people about it, don't really know who reads it, and try not to censor myself too much on it. It's for me. So I can express myself, celebrate milestones, complain about stuff when I need to, and work things out when I want to. It's also to keep a few very important friends updated on my life, since it's much easier than emailing them all individually.

There's also my tumblr blog,  which I've kept up for the last year for fun. I can post quick, easy stuff that my "real life" friends enjoy a bit more than they would a blog with long rambling entries about how many slices of pizza I had last month. The tumblr blog probably won't get much action for now. I haven't used it much lately anyway.

So that brings us to the new blog! I'm so excited about it. I love it and even though I just started it a week ago, I'm having a blast taking photos and coming up with content for it. It's basically a place to discuss and chronicle my journey to leave my desk job and find my dream job.

I've talked on here a lot in the last two or three months, maybe even a lot in the last year, about wanting to change jobs and, more importantly, change lifestyles by no longer working at any kind of desk job.

Kevin suggested that I interview people about their dream jobs and write a blog about it. And I took it a step further and decided to write a blog about my own search, hopefully encountering other people who've done the same thing along the way. I'm hoping that the very process of writing the blog will encourage me to keep searching, asking questions, observing, and creating opportunities for myself - all while producing a creative history of the whole experience. I'm also hoping that opening up myself to the people I know (or even the people I don't!) will provide me with more options, suggestions, and open doors than would be available to me if I just sat in my living room and talked to my boyfriend about what I want. Not to mention, I'm a firm believer that if you ask the 'universe' for what you want, you're very likely to be open to it when it comes along. So that's the reason I'm doing it. It's a great experience so far. And I just ordered a new camera! So that will make it even more fun. :)  I'd love for you guys to read it.

Beyond that, work is a bear right now. Just busy and tiring and making me want to quit and get a job at a grocery store until something else comes along. I probably won't do that, not yet anyway. But I WANT to. 

Kevin started a new job too, as I mentioned, and it's certainly been a period of transition in our house. We're making and eating breakfast together every morning, which is fun, and we've done yoga together a couple mornings before work, but it's certainly an adjustment to have neither of us home during daylight hours. We're having to spend much more time cleaning/doing laundry, etc. on Sundays than we've done in the past. It's working itself out, but I know we'll be thrilled when we one day live on a beach and read books for a living. ;)

So. Food/exercise/weight. Until Sunday, I hadn't weighed myself since January 6th. I was in a groove of weighing myself every damn day for quite a while. That habit didn't really bother me, necessarily, but the battery on the scale died on January 6th, just as I was getting on it for my daily weigh-in, and it seemed like a little sign. I was battling a slight gain from the holidays and sorta sick of staring at the number each morning, so I thought, You know what? I'm not gonna rush to get a new battery. I'm gonna see if I can go until February 1st without weighing myself. And I did! (It helped that there was not a working battery in the scale. I'm thinking of taking the new battery I just got OUT of the scale and hiding it somewhere until March 1, as to avoid the temptation of the daily weigh-in.)

I'm glad I did this. Because it has really cleared away some mental clutter for me. It's not that I was focusing too much on the number on the scale, so much as I just always knew what it said. And while that's not necessarily a bad thing, it was also just extra information - meaningless information when noticed daily - that I didn't need swirling around in my brain. I like the feeling of just eating well, working out, making balanced choices, listening to my hunger, and waking up the next day to do it all over again with only my clothes, my food journal, and my conscience as my accountability.

It also helped put into perspective for me what my true goals really are. I want to lose 20 pounds this year, from what I weighed this past January 1st. Totally doable. And the beauty of that goal, is that it means I need only lose less than 2 pounds a month. I'm not in ANY hurry to lose these 20 pounds. I've never been as thin as 20 pounds less will make me, not since before puberty anyway, and if my body wants to go there, it will. If it doesn't, it won't. So we'll see what happens. The only way to know if my body is comfortable with the shift is to take it nice and slow and easy. No rushing, no racing, no obsessing over numbers. Just good habits that have good consequences.

So, drumroll, between January 1st and February 1st, I lost 4 pounds! Not bad, eh? Now, of course, the January 1st number was definitely inflated by some questionable food and alcohol choices in the days leading up to that weigh in. But that caveat noted, I still lost 4 pounds! I'm really proud of this. I probably would have been proud with 2 pounds, frankly. As long as I didn't gain weight, who cares.

I did the math and in the last 32 days, I've averaged a total of 37 points consumed per day. This does not include any calories burned from exercise. I'm formally burning an average of 300 calories daily, or earning 3 activity points daily. (I don't workout daily, but some days I do 60-90 minutes, some days I just do 30 minutes, and some days I do nothing formal for exercise.) I also walk around this damn city, up and down subway stairs, and several blocks to and from work, home, and rehearsals/shows every day. So that's probably an additional 100-200 calories burned that I don't even think about. I don't count the extra stuff like walking around the city, nor do I count the 20 minutes of yoga I do most mornings, since it's really just intensified stretching. (If I do 45-60 minutes of yoga, I'll call it 1 or 2 activity points.) But I do religiously consume the activity points from my formal exercise. So that means I'm consuming, on average, about 34 points a day when factoring in some exercise. Weight watchers tells me that someone of my height should be consuming an average of 27 points a day in order to lose 1-2 pounds a week. If I want to lose an average of .5 pounds a week, if that, then I'm right on track, it seems, to do that.

Granted, I could always reign in the eating - who couldn't. And I really don't know exactly how many calories I'm burning in a day (I have been yearning for one of those little gizmos that tell me that info), nor do I know exactly how many calories 34 points in a day actually is (I'm sure some days my math in terms of points-counting is way off and something that's 200 calories gets called 2 points, when it's really more like 4). But I lost 4 pounds this month, so who cares.

So. I'm going to attempt with all my power not to weigh myself again until March 1st. It's gonna be tough, I'm sure, because inquiring minds want to know. But I have enjoyed the mental freedom from it all this month. I've also enjoyed the lack of self-punishment, however small or large, that comes along with seeing a higher number the morning after a dinner out or an evening of sharing wine with friends. It's not necessary to punish myself, even if only for a moment, about completely reasonable indulgences like those. Weighing myself less has lessened that negative voice too.

That said, I'm going attempt to eat a bit less this month. If I'm not careful, I might gain weight. So I want to be sure I'm keeping an eye on things. And I'm going to do my best to keep my exercise where it's been - 4-5 times cardio each week, 3+ times yoga, and 1-2 times lifting/resistance training. My goal for this upcoming month is to lose 2 pounds. Seems reasonable enough.

I have an unexpected night off tonight. Mondays are usually my improv practice nights, but our coach is sick and a few of the rest of us have been feeling under the weather, so we decided to skip it entirely. I'm glad we did because I had a hectic weekend and I could use the extra night of down time. I was planning to go get in a nice workout, but I'm thinking I might opt out, having worked out 5 out of the last 6 days, and go out to dinner with my sweetie. I might even have a drink! I don't really have the points for a big dinner, so I won't go crazy, but I'm might indulge a little. After all, I have a month to make up for it. ;)

FRIDAAAAAY.

Whew. Almost through another day.

I came in late to work today, which was brilliant. Kevin has a bad flu and has been seriously down for the count for the last three days. I woke up in time to get to the office at the normal time, but I was just exhausted and as I laid there, the thought of getting up, doing some yoga, getting dressed, making breakfast, and helping my sick boyfriend wake up and resituate himself was more than I could imagine accomplishing in enough time to get to work on time. So I went back to sleep. :)

I woke up a little later, around 9, and emailed work and told them I'd be a few hours late. It was a great decision. I was able to get a boat load of dishes done (I've been really on top of keeping the house clean and tidy lately, but with Kevin being sick and home making messes that he's too sick to pick up - there's a slight backlog), make a pot of coffee, wake up the sickling, help him get inspired to finally take a shower and put on some normal clothes, tidy up his little area where he's been camped out for the last three days (he's sleeping on a little bed we made in the living room so as not to infect me), do a power yoga session (yesss!), AND make a pot of steel cut oatmeal for us for breakfast. It was a really nice morning. It's sunny and warmer this morning (high of 47 today! yes!) and the sun was streaming in the window, the cats were lounging around, and I was really grateful just to have a few extra moments to myself. Whew!

I convinced the sickling to put on a coat and walk me to the subway (about 2 blocks away) because I knew he needed to move his body, get the blood pumping, get some air into his cells so they can breathe a bit, and get some much needed sunshine on his face. He complained about it, but I think he was secretly glad I forced him outside for all of ten minutes. He's been cooped up in the house for so long, the poor guy. He's still feeling shitty today but I'm hoping the fever has mostly broken and that the aches will begin to subside soon enough. I hate to see him like this - he's so uncomfortable.

Once I was on my way, the train took its sweet time, which means I ended up being about 30 minutes later than I predicted (putting me here at 12:30, when we are supposed to be here at 10), but it was fine. It was very quiet here and everyone was in a cheery mood because of the sunny weather. Plus one of my bosses was out today. Thank god. I welcomed the lightened workload for the day. I spent some time doing personal stuff and some time banging out some work crap, ate lunch (egg salad sandwich) at my desk and just had a pre-exercise snack (small bowl of organic cereal with rasp/blueberries), and now the day is practically over.

I had a daydream on the way into work that the firm should start giving each assistant (there are 5 of us total) a "late morning" once a week. Where you can come in 2 hours late on your set morning without having to specifically request it. Someone else could cover your attorneys while you're out. I thought it was sheer brilliance in the moment, but I'm pretty sure that's never gonna happen....Alas. A girl can dream.

I'm thrilled that it's Friday. I need this weekend badly. We were slotted to go see Kevin's parents and sister/sister's husband/sister's tw0-year old 30 minutes outside the city tomorrow, but he's too sick to risk it, especially with a two-year old running around. So we'll stay home. I will miss getting to see them, because we haven't seen them in a while, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't grateful for the unexpected day to myself.

Tonight, I'm going to go kick my own ass at the gym after work. I'll probably have a good hour to spend there and I'm looking forward to it. I'm going to do probably 20 minutes on the stair machine and then a bunch of resistance and ab stuff. The power yoga was good this morning, but not enough to count as a resistance day. It will feel good to sweat and strain a little bit.

I'm doing really well on food-consumption this week. I'm not having terrible trouble staying within my points and I'm stopping when I'm full. I'm not sure if not being able to check the scale every morning has helped that or not, but not weighing myself right now is fun. It's actually taken a lot of the focus of off obsessing about the numbers/calories/points and just allowed me to listen to my body. We had chinese food last night (because I was not about to do all the dishes just so I could cook and make more dishes) and I enjoyed it a lot, stopped when I was full, and that was that. And then, as a special treat for the sickling (who ended up not having any at all! hmph!) I brought home Ben & Jerry's Cookie Dough Ice Cream! I had about a 1/4 of a cup of it with a sprinkle of some granola on top and it was just to die for. It was plenty, even though it was a very small serving. It tasted so rich and decadent that I didn't need more than the tiny amount.

After the gym tonight, I'm going to meet up with Daniel. We're gonna go get Chipotle (I'll get a salad) and sip cheap margaritas. :) Should be fun. Then we'll probably go back to his apartment (my old apartment) to hang out with our friend Randy, who is moving to LA in a little over a week! Gah! I feel bad leaving Kevin at home alone after he's spent the entire day (actually the last 3 days) sitting on the couch staring at the TV by himself, but he insisted I go out, be social, and enjoy my Friday. What a guy. He's seriously such a sweetness.

My massage last night was really nice. It wasn't the BEST massage I've ever had, but it was perfectly enjoyable. I spent a nice long hour laying on that table letting her pamper the hell out of me and it was lovely. And so cheap! I'm glad I went.

This weekend doesn't involve much: I've got a show on Saturday and a birthday party after the show, but beyond that, I'm gonna relax, exercise, do my yoga, and maybe cook some meals! Oolala! Oh and I'm also in the market for a new camera. I think I'm going to start a new photo blog about something very near and dear to me. So I might try to purchase one this weekend. Fun.

Things have been so annoyingly busy for me at work this week. I am thrilled to be finally - huge sigh - taking a break to sit here and do nothing but blog. I'm way overdue on this thing.

I wrote a post a week or so ago - with lots of detailed bullshit about all kinds of stuff - and I took it down. I decided it was way too inner-monologue/to do list to be healthy. And it was boring even for me to reread.

So, how am I. Well. I'm getting through each day. The last 3 weeks have been tough, to be honest. Some days are easier than others and I'm certainly not miserable by any means. But I'm not really happy and content right now either.

Work remains hard for me. I've been doing my yoga, reading excerpts from "The Power of NOW" about how to avoid becoming all tangled up in my own negative thoughts and experiences, about how I have control over how I react to my experiences. I've been sleeping 8 hours a night, exercising 5-6 times a week, eating well-balanced healthy meals, taking vitamins, reading, spending time with friends. But none of it takes away that I'm not happy at my job, which is where I, obviously, spend the vast majority of my time. The personalities, the tasks, the environment, the pace, the lighting, the smelly toxic printer that sits two feet from my face, the commute, the relationships - I'm struggling with all of it.

One of my bosses (I assist three people total: two attorneys and one administrative manager), A, dislikes me. I'm not sure why this is. His mother passed away at the end of the year and I'm sure it was an incredibly painful thing for him. She'd been dying of cancer for most of 2008. So his overreacting passive aggressively to every minor mistake I've made is understandable. I cannot imagine the pressure and stress of losing a parent, especially a relatively young parent. Anyone would be likely to lash out where ever possible.

Even so, it's created a bit of stress for me. He's sometimes condescending to me, quick to judge me, quick to passive-aggressively reprimand me, assumes the worst in almost every situation with me, and I'm pretty sure he doesn't keep it a secret to his colleagues. He also barely speaks to me and asks me to do things that he could and should easily do. My workload is enough that I don't need to be placing every outgoing call he makes. Even H, the partner I assist (A is just an associate), makes his own fucking phone calls.

In contrast, my other two bosses really like me, think I'm good at my job, we have pleasant, friendly interactions, they communicate to me their concerns when something I've done needs improvement, but not in unpleasant ways, nor with the preconceived assumption that I'm a moron.

I've definitely screwed things up at workplaces in the past in my life. I'm a smart girl, but I often don't give a shit. It's not a great personality trait in most workplace environments. I've been fired, reprimanded and punished. I've also been praised, adored and applauded in the workplace. It depends on the job and on my mental state in my life at the time (you can bet that when I was depressed and fat, I wasn't fun to work with; when I was depressed, fat, and homeless, I was the best employee you'd ever find - because I needed the job).

So because of my checkered employment past, I sometimes wonder if A is right: I'm a screw up, a daydreamer, I don't try hard enough, I don't care enough, I think jobs grow on trees.

I know that those things aren't true, though. I know that I work hard here, put in my hours, get my job done, am pleasant and thorough and attentive to my bosses. So he can kiss my ass.

They were going to switch assistants, give him someone new and me a new attorney to work with. And then they decided not to, decided that he's blamed some things on me unfairly, that he needs to learn to express what he needs and not be so passive aggressive. Apparently he was really unhappy to hear that they decided not to switch assistants. I have access to his email and I was looking for another work email when I found one he wrote to a friend. I stupidly read it (then again, he stupidly wrote it from his work email) and in it he wrote that he was having a shitty day, and one of the two reasons he listed was that "they decided not to switch assistants like they said they were going to." That made me feel about 2 inches tall. Stupid of me to have read it, but I did.

Kevin reminded me that this guy was also upset with his holiday bonus, complained to the partners about it, and refused (unbeknownst to anyone but me) to do any work for the last week of the year because of his bonus wasn't what he'd expected. So Kevin pointed out that A's being upset that they didn't switch assistants is more about him feeling like he can't get what he wants from HIS bosses, like they don't do what he asks them to do and he's not being respected by them, rather than it being about him desperately wanting a new assistant. I thought that was a fair point. But it's still an unpleasant relationship in my workplace.

A isn't the only reason I don't like it here. I just feel trapped. And I knew when I started this job over a year ago that a.) I would stay for a year and a half or two years (but no longer) as a thank you to the office manager for hiring me back when I really needed the job and b.) this job was a necessary stepping stone so that I could stop temping, pay off some debt, and have health insurance again. So it's not surprising that I'm anxious to get the hell out by now. I'm right on time, in fact. I feel trapped, resentful of my time not being my own, and generally disgusted that offices exist to begin with. Sure, they are necessary functions of society. They are also places that can suck a person's soul if you don't like what you're doing. And I don't.

All of this has taken its toll on me. Despite my best efforts with all the yoga, etc., I'm still constantly sore, tired, and have to fight the urge to be grouchy a lot of the time. It could be seasonal, or chemical. It might also be circumstantial. The point is, I'm exhausted. Mentally and physically exhausted. I grew a pain in my back this morning, from moving the wrong way in my office chair. Its acute and digs in sharply when I breathe in. I'm pretty sure that that would not be the case were I not sitting up at a desk, typing on a computer for 9 hours a day. It just hurts my body. And I KNOW that to complain about it is actually only making me sicker. So I'm trying to keep perspective and see it all as neutral - my thoughts about it are what's negative, but the actual circumstances simply 'are.' And I can control my negative thoughts if I stay in the moment. Easier said than done, of course. But it feels good to bitch about it on the blog just the same. ;)

I went to the doctor yesterday. I wanted to get a referral a sports medicine doc for all my aches, pains, and spasms of late. I am way too active not to be on top of that stuff. I also went to talk to her about my emotional state. Down, tired, headachy, irritable, low sex drive, sore.

I left the appointment feeling less than thrilled with her handling of my concerns. My feelings about the appointment might just be the current lens through which I'm viewing the world: "Less than thrilled." But whatever the reason for my feeling unheard, I didn't get much help in the way of the depression issue.

I felt like she was talking to me as though it were my first day being a human. Saying things like, "Well, it's normal, given the current state of the economy to feel a little down. Everyone goes through tough times. We all go through patches that feel blah."

Huge eye roll. Yes, lady. I know that. I'm alive and have been for years. I just told you that I've been feeling down, not like myself, and that I've had a low sex drive for over 3 months. I just told you that. It's not the economy. Trust me.

She basically told me I could see someone, wait it out, or...maybe...just maybe...in the case of there being a chemical imbalance, consider anti-depressants.

I told her I thought it might be seasonal. She said, "Get a light."

She had me fill out a questionnaire. Textbook anxiety and depression, she said.

She asked me if I wanted to consider seeing someone. I told her that I was not opposed to it but that I really couldn't afford it, even though insurance covers some of it. I also told her that I used to be extremely depressed in my late teens/early twenties. And that I was in therapy for 5 years. So I know the tools and the coping skills. I get it. It was very helpful and positive, therapy, and I am, for all intents and purposes, content in my life right now. Aside from my job, things are good.

So then she went back to the thing about everyone going through down times. She said it's impossible not to walk around in the state of the world today and not feel some stress or level of anxiety or depression. Sure. I agree with that to an extent. But I don't quite think that's it. Oh, and did you ask me if I'm worried about money or my job security? Because I'm not. And if you had asked me, you'd know that, and you'd quit telling me that I'm probably just stressed about the economy. I'm not. I promise.

She encouraged me to get enough sleep, exercise plenty, eat right, relax when possible. I said, "Well, I do yoga 3-4 times a week, I do cardio and resistance training 5-4 times a week, I sleep 8 hours a night every single night, and I'm incredibly conscious about what I eat." She said, "Well thank god you do that stuff!"

....okaaaaay.

I just felt like she was talking to me like I was 12 years old. I wanted to scream at her, "LADY. I'm sitting in front of you telling you that I've had this battery of symptoms for an extended period of time. AND I'm telling you that I used to be actually clinically depressed in a bad way and in hardcore twice a week therapy for it. So why on earth would I be sitting in front of you explaining these symptoms to you, a doctor, if it was probably just the economy-blues?! Don't you think I know my body and mind well enough, after 5 years of therapy and a significant experience with deep depression, to know when I'm just a little down verses when I'm feeling chemically off? I do everything you just suggested to help with depression. EVERYTHING. And I do it all with more frequency, regularity, and investment than most people my age. SO IT'S NOT THAT. It's NOT that I'm not sleeping enough or that I'm not eating the right things. I DON"T EVEN DRINK. Did you even ask me that? If I drink? Or if I'm using drugs? No. You didn't. You just assume that I am bummed because of the global climate. Just down in the dumps right now. I should probably just eat better, right? That will fix it. Do you think I'm retarded? Are YOU retarded?" That's what I wanted to say. I didn't, of course.

It was just inane. I felt like I was talking to a dumber version of myself, not to a doctor.

It's not even that I necessarily want to go on medication. And if I were to go on medication, I'd want it to be a very low dose of something that I could go off of easily. But I don't want the idea that this might be chemical to be swept under the rug with her "Go to the gym!" broom so easily.

All that said, after staring into her dead eyes for ten minutes, I didn't press the issue further. I didn't want to play doctor and suggest a drug for myself, to walk out of there with a prescription for Zoloft that I'd talked her into giving me. Because that's not what I'm looking for. I'm looking for something mild, something maybe structured to treat someone seasonally. And I might not even be looking for that. I'm just looking for someone to look at my actual history and my actual habits and say hm, it's probably chemical. And when it's chemical, you do have the option of taking medicine to help you. Or, hm, it's probably seasonal. Here are your options. Not, hm, you're stressed because of the Dow Jones.

I know that when I get out of this job, I will be infinitely happier. I know that it's not just (or maybe not at all ) the people and the environment. I know that I'm also someone who LIVES to be outside, who loves the sunshine, even when its cold out, loves to exercise and be active. I am someone who does not like sitting in front of a computer for long stretches of time, nor am I someone who has ever functioned well having to be somewhere at the same time every morning for 5 days in a row each week. The idea that entire days of my young life are passing me by in 9 hour chunks, while I sit here inside this room with people who's priorities are so vastly different from mine, is so painful to me.

So I'm going to trust that planning my escape route over the next few months and handing in my notice by the end of next January, if not sooner, is going to bring me some more contentment. I'm also going to trust that the day I actually turn my back on my office career forever is going to be one of my happiest. And I'm lastly going to trust that the return of the sunshine and warmer weather will be lovely.

I needed to get out of debt and get my fiscal and tangible life in order. This job helped me to do that. Now I need to help myself onto something more fulfilling.

But eff that stupid doctor. I do not like her.

In much lighter news, my improv team was kept together for 2009, and two amazing ladies were added to the team, to fill in the slots of two people who left the team last year for personal reasons. We had our first show of 2009 last night and it was a blast. We had so much fun and I know that improv is going to be a saving grace for me this year. The people, the community, and the art form itself are all very healing. And last night's show was no exception. I had a lot of fun. It's also a slightly earlier time slot than my Wednesday night shows were in 2008. So I'm glad for that as well.

Exercise and eating right, as I noted above, is going really well. The blip from the holidays is behind me and I'm back on track and feeling great. My scale's battery died a few weeks ago and I've yet to replace it. The freedom from weighing myself every day has been really nice. I like to weigh myself a lot. But I hadn't tried to go without it for a good chunk of time in a while. And it's so refreshing. I've decided that for as long as I can stand it, I'm only going to weigh in once a month. Crazy, right? We'll see how it goes. I will count January 1st's weight as my starting weight for 2009 (even though it was a bit high from festivities the night before), and I will weigh myself again on February 1st. I anticipate that I will have lost about 5 pounds, so I'm excited for that. Not weighing myself is actually helping me to be MORE conscious of my eating right now. Cool.

I just impulsively booked a super cheap hour long massage ($39!!) at this amazing place near my work. I'm gonna go tonight after work. My back has been spasming all day today and as much as a good workout sounds like a nice idea tonight, I think I'll take my lunch break this afternoon to go get some cardio done and then get my massage on instead tonight. Tomorrow will definitely need to include some power yoga and/or weight training for the ol' muscles.

Sweet Kevin is sick with a fever right now. So after the massage, I think I'll go home and make him some supper and put him to bed. :)

Shifts

That's my friend Daniel and me on New Year's Eve.

Anyway, I just had an unexpected snack consisting of leftover Chipotle tortilla chips. They were yummy, salty, and slightly flavored with lime. It may not have been the best snack choice, considering I have an apple and a banana sitting on my desk right now, but...whatevuh.

Kevin and I had a date last night. Asian food. So yummy. We go to this place called FriendHouse that we just love. They have sushi, Thai, and Chinese food and they do it all equally well. We ordered a few different sushi rolls, some edamame, some chicken with spicy garlic sauce and mixed veggies, and sake. It was very delicious. I possibly overate a bit. But, what can ya do. We had great, energetic conversation about some major shifts that are happening in our lives. It was nice.

He adorably showed up to meet up with me with two new DVDs for us - House, Season 4 (I'm currently beyond obsessed with House) and The Office (British version of course!), which we've both seen but are excited to see again. So we headed straight home after dinner to snuggle in and watch an episode from each.

I could barely keep my eyes open near the end of the second episode. So I excused myself to bed and fell instantly to sleep. The cat woke me up ridiculously early this morning on more than one occasion so I still feel tired despite getting a good 8.5 hours.

I ate some sweets when I got home last night. Not necessary. But it happened. I am still finding my groove after vacation. So I'm not surprised that there have been a few stumbles along the way. It will all iron itself out in good time.

I woke up in a grumpy mood this morning. I decided to sleep a bit longer rather than do my yoga, which is good and bad. The sleep was nice, but he yoga really helps me not only to feel more physically relaxed and centered throughout the day but it also helps me not be such a raving bitch inside my own head about the world around me. ;)

Work is not great today. I have a personal problem with a couple of the really brash personalities here. And lucky for me, I sit right near both of them, can hear them talking (yelling) all day long, and am unavoidably exposed to their stress/psychosis levels all day long. It's impossible not to absorb some of that energy when you're near it for 8 hours in a row. People do that, you know, absorb and can intuitively sense each other's energy even if they don't realize they're doing it. Women do it more than men, science says. We subconsciously "mirror" each other, as a highly intuitive way to communicate and relate to one another, so that we can sense danger or need in the world around us. But it can also work against us, like when someone you work with is a fucking nutcase.

One of the women in particular is off her rocker. I've probably written about her before. And I'll probably write a book about her some day. She's a long list of ugly adjectives that I probably shouldn't share because I've either shared them before, or because I, more importantly, don't need to work myself up into a fit over it. But let's just say, her personality is really difficult for me to be around. And I find myself literally having to breathe through it daily. Like, she says stuff that gets so under my skin on the regular, treats people with such ire, disrespect, and bitterness, while always playing the martyr, that my newest solution is to simply breathe, focus on my breath, and remind myself to feel sorry for her rather than rail against her inside my own head. Which is, as the saying goes "like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die."

It's tough to remind myself to breathe through her nonsense. But it has actually made a small difference from time to time. Because before the New Year (a resolution of mine is to practice more compassion and patience), my coping mechanism in 2008 for situations like this was to basically just run through a litany of nastiness in my mind, calling the subject of my rage nasty names, saying biting, sarcastic things under my breath, rolling my eyes, huffing and puffing, and complaining to whoever would listen when I got the chance. So I think I'm much better off trying to calm myself down and remind myself that I'm only making myself sick when I become infuriated by someone else's illness.

(All that nobly said, this bitch makes me want to put my - and her - head through a fucking glass wall.)

PHEW. >Breathes in and out.< Ahhhhh.....

In other news, Kevin, my darling boyfriend, just accepted a new job! He left his last job, Executive Producer of a post-production house for television commercials, in 2007. He spent 7 years at that job (and 5 at an equally intense job before that one) and it exhausted him to no end. He finally left it two summers ago to make some time and space in his life for other things, most specifically, his mental wellness and sense of self outside the workplace.

He has spent the last year and a half doing just that. He's occasionally freelanced as a producer during this time (as he's very well respected and well liked in his industry), and he's also booked voiceover jobs (he's done the voices on a couple national commercials that I'm sure you've all seen), acting jobs, and done a ton of performing with his improv group. He's also done a great deal of stuff with my sketch group - he's invaluable to us in his tireless and helpful efforts. He's also done lots of shooting, directing, and editing of comedy shorts and films. It's been impressive to watch this man unfold himself in this way; after 12 years of constant career building, he's focused on what he wanted rather than what he thought he should do, and he's had a very rich experience doing so. I remain so proud of him throughout all of it.

It has been challenging at times, of course. Not knowing what would happen next has been equally scary and freeing for him. But he's been such a soldier throughout it all, trusting above all else that staying open to what's possible would bring the next thing and the next thing into his life, without fail.

He decided at the end of this past November that he wanted to look for a full time job again. This economy makes it tough to know how stable freelance work will be in the coming months. And he's also just ready for a change of pace. He's been his own boss, had his own schedule, and done his own thing for the last 18 months. And now he's looking forward to going back to the workin' world to try to marry the two lifestyles.

Of course, that can also be scary. But he's accepted a great job that will be perfect for this time in his life, I think. In fact, he originally turned this job down but they called him back and really sweetened the deal - they just had to have him! His proud girlfriend loves that of course. ;) He's going to use this new experience to practice striking a better work/life balance. And one of the best parts about this position is how open they are to him having a life outside work. They've basically given him the go ahead to continue to pursue his artistic and creative interests as much as he wants to in order to feel fulfilled. That was part of the "sweetened" deal. So he will be making his own schedule in order to support that. The guy who hired him has been awesome about respecting who Kevin his outside what he does to earn a paycheck. I love that.

So that's a big shift that is about to happen in our lives.

I'm excited for him. And beyond how it will change his world, I will no longer be able to send him an urgent email asking that he set the DVR to record something! ;) Plus, our laundry won't be done nearly as often (nor with the incredible skill and patience). And our cats won't have their dad home with them most days. But he will also be getting up with me in the mornings (yaaay!) and maybe even traveling into the city with me for work.

Me and my needs aside, I think this is gonna be a really good thing for him. He's looking forward to it, I think, and itchy to get started. He's going in to sign the contract on Monday and will likely go into the office a little bit next week, slowly ramping up into his new life! I can't believe it. :) It's always nice to know that your income is stable and that you have a new routine to invest in.

What else - I didn't work out yesterday, consciously. I needed a day off. Plus, I expected to be pretty sore from some new leg stuff I'd done at the gym earlier in the week, but I wasn't. And then, I woke up this morning barely able to walk. Ha. Typical. I'm going to go to the gym tonight after work for a long cardio session and some ab and upper body work, so it should be all good.

I'm taking a "me" night tonight. Kevin's planning to go see an improv show (a really really good one that I love going to see) and then he's going to perform in a show of his own. Normally I'd happy to spend the night out with him, doing both of these things with perhaps some dinner somewhere in between. But I decided early in the week that I'd be taking the night off tonight. I need it. This week, my first back after vacation, has been a whirlwind, and even though it feels as though I've been back at work for at least a month already, I'm still in a bit of a tailspin from the last few weeks overall. I need to be alone and decompress tonight, before my busy weekend.

So I'll gym it tonight for as luxuriously long as my little heart desires, maybe even throw some sauna time in, since it's frigid here today. And then I'll go home, scare up some supper, and probably settle into my couch with a glass of wine and a House episode. I predict an early bedtime. :) Love it.

Tomorrow we might go see Kevin's family in the suburbs. But it's supposed to snow so that plan might get rainchecked for a better weather day. If we DO go see them, we'll also make a stop at the huge mall near their house. Kevin needs some new clothes for work and I need a new backpack, new running shoes, a cast iron skillet, new bras, and new jeans! Wahooo!!! The trip might not happen at all though. We'll see.

Then Saturday night is the HST show, and Sunday are auditions for the 2009 "house teams" at the theater where we do improv. Kevin and I are both already on house teams, but every January they re-audition the current players, audition new players, and decide if they're going to cut teams, take people off teams, add people to teams, create new teams, etc. So it's a bit of wait-n-see. I'm hoping my improv group, The Baldwins, remains together, but you never know. So that will be Sunday. I hope to get to the grocery store at some point this weekend too. We need it. We got NOTHIN'.

I am having to pull my own teeth out to get myself to do any work today. I just don't feel like it. Showing up here each morning for the last five days has been effort enough, I think. So I'll probably do whatever tasks I have to in order to make Monday bearable, and spend the rest of the day daydreaming about the Florida beach house I'll own someday. ;)