yessss

Feelin really great this morning about all this. Feeling slim and healthy and that's so nice.

I had another good workout yesterday, albeit short. I got in some intense cardio (walked, but on a 7.5 incline!) for 20 mins and then did some lifting. I also ate really well yesterday. I came in only 2 points over, which I had to spare from flex (I'm at 22 flex for the week consumed so far. This is good.)and despite being rather hungry as I was falling asleep, there was nothing whatsoever to eat in the house so I just let my tummy growl, had some water, and went to bed.

I'm going to workout again today. And hopefully Friday and Saturday as well. Those are my intentions. If they don't pan out, I won't sweat it, but it's nice to know that I've made the time and set the intention for each day. I'm leaving for the midwest on Sunday morning. I'll be home (well, not home in Chicago, but in Southern Illinois and in Kansas, for Christmas and my cousin's wedding, respectively) for a week. Then I come back next Sunday and will have Monday and Tuesday off before I have to return to work. It will be a nice break - might be busy and hectic at points, but I plan to take advantage of the several days of downtime that WILL be available to me here and there. And the festivities of the wedding will be awesome also. (Big family, big party. Can't wait.)

The way I see it, there are four days in the next couple weeks that will pose challenges. This Saturday night (which is an intimate little gathering just before we go away for the holiday), Christmas Day, my cousins wedding (and let's be honest, that could bleed into more than one day of challenge), and New Years. It's a lot. But I'm not going to stress about it now, I'll just take it one day at a time, deal with each event as it arises, and keep exercising to off set things. One day at a time.

Today, bagel for breakfast (work breakfast - but I'll scoop out the bagel and use lite cream cheese), apple slices for a snack, lean cuisine for lunch, nuts for a snack in the afternoon, and whatever dinner will bring.

power hour

Well, I'm feeling much better about things today.

First of all, when I got to the gym last night, I peeked at the scale, despite my worry that it would be through the roof. But I'd rather know than not know, I guess. Luckily it wasn't nearly as bad as I expected it to be.

I had a pretty good day of eating by the time I got to the gym. I was pretty low on points though - cutting back on the amount of food I'm eating in a day has been harder than I thought. And since I'm used to eating 75 extra points in a week, instead of 35, I'm hungry a lot as I try to scale things back. But I arrived at the gym last night determined to have a good workout despite my hunger and exhaustion.

And I ended up doing 60 minutes of cardio! I haven't done 60 minutes of cardio in I-don't-know-how-long, and there was a time when i was doing it all the time. So it felt really good to remember those days and pay homage to them last night. The workout felt excellent and has inspired me to keep pushing myself. I remembered last night that it's better that I log the minutes than the intensity right now. Yes, the intensity counts, and I'm never slacking on that fuckin treadmill, but if I can take it down 2 speeds or lower the incline and stay on it for another 20 minutes, it's all for the better. So that's what I did and I'm glad I did. I did some light lifting at the end too, just because I had the time. I feel good today.

It's rare that I have almost two uninterrupted hours available to me in a day to spend at the gym. Last night was an anomaly. And I hope to find more days like it. I was reminiscing while I was plugging away on the 'mill last night about the days when I went to the gym after work, worked out until I felt like stopping, and went home. At the time it seemed boring, but I'd pay for just one of those nights each week now. Things have gotten very busy in the last year...Easy to gain ten pounds when you go from constant exercise to not-as-constant.

I ended the night with an egg salad sandwich that I grabbed at starbucks, which seemed to be the best choice out of what was available - I was SO hungry and rushing to get to a show - but it ended up being 11 disappointing points. Oh well, lesson learned. Then I saw Kevin's improv show and then I had two gin and sodas at the bar. I don't think I finished the second one either, so that was good. (I decided to order a higher quality gin than I usually get, which made for a much more enjoyable sipping experience. I think I might adopt that method from now on, when possible. I drink less that way and I enjoy the buzz more.)

When Kevin and I got home it was very late and I was very tired and hungry. I had a small glass of OJ, some nuts, and a piece of toast. Much better than going to the deli and getting something awful for me. I ended the day using about 10 FPs, but I'm okay with that. I feel really good about what I did yesterday.

Today, I had a healthy breakfast and a healthy snack. I will go to the gym on my lunch break. I don't really want to and I'm really super fucking awfully tired from being up so late, but I think I can manage to do 20 mins of cardio and some light lifting, just to keep the psychological momentum going.

I will eat in at lunch - something frozen for 6 or 7 points - and then I'll grab something healthy for dinner, perhaps sushi? perhaps a chipotle salad? in between rehearsal and the show tonight.

I'm excited for this to be another OP day.

SO.

Whew. I've been avoiding posting.

Because last week ended up ril ugly, y'all. Ril ugly. It's nice to be back in the blog-it-out community though because I feel a lot better about committing the sins I committed and much more capable of returning to a place of piety, knowing that I have the support of my gals.

Things were moving along reasonably when Friday rolled around. I was more than 35 flex in the hole for the week, but it wasn't close to the 70ish flex I'd been using in the past few weeks.

I went to the gym during my lunch break and prepared myself for a night out. I lifted at the gym and tried to make good food choices during the day. Then I met Dan and Kev for drinks. I was pretty hungry, but I had an apple before drinks to help tide me over. Then we had nuts with the drinks. Then Kev and I went to see a show and only had time to grab a slice before hand. Not ideal, but it was all that was available. Then I had some gelato later on for no good reason and spent the rest of the night resisting the urge to have a second dinner. No joke. I ended the day 11 points over, to make a grand total of 59 flex used for the week so far! And there were still two whole days left before weigh-in day! I was feeling pretty defeated about getting up close to 70 flex used again, but I was determined to make it through the week without getting to 70 flex points. Foolish.

Because then Saturday happened. Ugh. I started out with good intentions - had a relatively healthy breakfast with Kevin at a diner before we both had to go run around fulfilling committments all day long. After I left him and started my full day of activities, I got pretty peckish but decided to get a lower-cal spinach wrap at starbucks. It wasn't enough though. When I finished it, I just kept eating. There were candies where I was rehearsing and I had a handful of those, I finished Faryn's chinese food, only a few bites, but still. I also drank the latte I'd gotten at starbucks and had a small cookie (ugh) and I just started to feel like I was losing control. I didn't want to keep eating, so I vowed to make good choices for the rest of the night, even though I still had so much day ahead of me. (More rehearsal, a show to perform, and then a christmas party to attend.) I did pretty well until we ended up at this christmas party around 11pm - and then I just fucked around. I drank and smoked and ate and ate and ate. I was probably a lot less than I thought it was but it FELT like a lot. And it felt like I was just mindlessly, anxiously eating. I had bites of EVERYTHING. Many bites. Blech.

I have to walk into those events with SOME kind of plan or all hell breaks loose. It's really ugly.

I didn't even write down what I ate on Sunday. I was feeling so incredibly disappointed in myself for Saturday night. Sunday basically went to shit too. Normal breakfast, then some nachos for lunch (?!?!) which I shared and didn't eat too many of, but still. THat would have been fine if we hadn't gone to another gathering after that where I had a zillion cookies and a fuckin brownie. Then we had to go see a friend's stand-up act because he was auditioning for a tv show and needed a supportive crowd and Kevin ordered fries and I had some of those too.

All in all, when I write it all out, it seems a lot less horrific than I've been letting myself believe, but it was still very mindless, very anxious eating. And it was mostly bourne out of scenarios that I didn't plan ahead for or scenarios where I let a craving or a desire to munch get the very best of me and I just gave in and let go. And I didn't exercise to combat it either. Also, the two times I overate the most were at the two parties. Sometimes I get anxious about making small talk. And you can't small talk if your mouth is full, so I anxiously eat. Interesting to learn about oneself.

There were definitely some small victories in there somewhere, so I'll remind myself that it could have been a LOT worse. At no point did i just "give up." So there's that. (And there was a two-drink minimum at the stand-up club and I only had coffee and diet soda instead of alcohol.)

I got back to it yesterday, though, and put my nose to the grindstone. I decided I need to really work on avoiding a ton of sugar, especially early on in the day, because it just causes me to eat more and more sugar all day long. I did well yesterday for the most part. No exercise, but smart food choices. I also went to the grocery store so I can eat breakfast and lunch in again this week. Glad I did that. Feels much simpler to stay on track that way, plus cheaper which is important right now. I'll go to the gym tonight and hopefully be able to spend a good hour plus there.

I started my period this morning/late last night and I'm so glad I did. I was having the worst PMS yesterday - I was clumsy and moody and irritable and I felt like shit. I still feel pretty crappy and exhausted today, but now I know there's light at the end of the tunnel. I'm hoping things will only get better from here.

I definitely don't want to go to the gym tonight, I want to go home and sleep. But I'll go and it will feel good and that will be that.

It's the holidays. And I am going to promise myself that I will workout as often as I can, and eat as well as I can. But I can't promise miracles. I can't promise I will get to exercise every day or eat like a saint for the next week. It's just too difficult this time of year to do it all. I know, though, that being this mindful is really going to help me. It will be good to be home in the midwest because my family eats very mindfully and I always eat well when I'm there. Plus there's plenty of opportunity for exercise, since we're a family of health nuts and people will be going on jogs and getting to the gym, etc. Things will be a little crazy, though, too, because besides the actual holiday, my little cousin is getting married on December 29, then Kev and I have our one year anniversary on January 1, plus New Year's Eve. So there's plenty to challenge me. But my focus is to be MINDFUL. To exercise when I can and make really good choices when I can and be strong and remember that I will feel so much better if 2008 rolls around and I don't have to start all over.

I need a nap.

p.s. I have no idea what the scale says. I refused to step on it yesterday.

uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugggghhhh

I'm having a hard time with shit today. I'm grumpy, I exercised and now I feel worse rather than better, I can't eat enough to feel satisfied and I'm having a very hard time staying within points each day. Grrrrr.

I guess this is just part of it. Sometimes you have to kick and scream.

I didn't workout last night. I didn't have it in me. I went at lunch today but only did a little bit of pilates and then I lifted. I didn't have time for the cardio. I will get some good cardio in this weekend, fo sho'. And hopefully one more light lifting session also.

For some reason, I jumped on the scale at the gym and it was bigtime up. But I think several things: 1.) who gives a fuck. fuck that noise. 2.) it was midday and i'd already eaten plus i had sushi last night 3.) i'm convinced that scale at that particular gym is always high. fuck that noise too. So perhaps that's contributing to my mood.

I will not come in at or under 35 flex this week. More like 50 flex. That's not awful. That's a far cry from the 70, 73, 78 (?!) I've done in the last few weeks. So I will take that as a good sign and keep plugging away. But I'm disappointed that I wasn't able to do it my first week back. I did have a holiday party, but it wasn't that gluttonous whatsoever. Perhaps this is weight gain from LAST week's holiday party (at the theater), where I did infact overeat to the hilt.

There's also been a ton of holiday sweet stuff floating around the office and the season itself makes it very tempting to cozy up with a glass or 4 of wine and eat crap with my honey. But I'm fighting it HARD. We went out last night but got sushi and only shared one bottle of saki (still went over points, but UGH I"M TRYING!). Yesterday and today have seen the likes of a large box of amazing, rich, huge cookies at work. I've had probably about 1.5 or 2 cookies in the last two days, which is showing incredible restraint. They sit right by my head all day long and I want many many of them. But I had half of one yesterday, saved the other half for today, and took another few break-off pieces at a couple other points. Not awful. Doing my best. Plus! Oh! Today I was going to order a big sloppy eggwhites sandwich on a bagel! with cheese! and then I just closed the website (online ordering available) and just didn't order it! I didn't want to spend the money or waste the calories, even though I'd already picked the whole thing out. I've been eating in this week for breakfast and lunch, which means I have to have made some progress in caloric control because I'm certain that my 5 point frozen burrito is better for me than whatever sandwich I order and call 8 points when it's probably really 16. I mean, having the real nutrition info is half the battle.

I guess I"m just frustrated that I haven't been able to navigate this perfectly. But that's silly. I'll get there. And I have to remind myself that it's really not about that stupid number. Fuck that gym scale. And I'm not even really in this for the number. I'm in it to get into smaller jeans!

I'm going to bump up my weight lifting next week and start doing some heavier weights. I'm pretty consistent with weight training, but what that means is that my body is very used to the routine I've been doing and the weights I've been using etc. Sometimes I try to make little changes here and there, but I don't think it's enough. I've lifted pretty consistently for several years now, but over the summer I was taking weeks and weeks off at a time, so when I started back up, I sort of went back to basics and did some simple routines. But I haven't really varied them up since then, even though I've been back lifting for about three months. So next week I'll change it up. I'll lift signficantly heavier weights than I'm using right now and do less reps. And the following week, I'll lift signifcantly lighter weights than I'm using right now and do many reps. Just to mix it up. I also want to explore some new exercises, new machines, etc, but I think I'll try this first idea first and see what happens.

And the last thing I've been thinking is that I can always eat more fruits and vegs, more lean protein and LESS SUGAR (most of all less sugar). Since Dr. Oz's You On A Diet info came out re: sugar, I've seriously cut back. I make choices based on sugar in take all the time and whenever I can avoid it, I refuse to have any sugar before the afternoon. I don't drink sugar in my coffee so that's not tough, but I won't do cereals with sugar (did you know that Kashi Go Lean Crunch has 14 grams of sugar per serving!??! - you're only supposed to have 3 or 4 grams for breakfast!), or anything else that I think is harboring hidden sugars. But I can always do more. i.e. Not eating the cookies and sweets that are hanging out around the office. Also, perhaps I can start drinking a protein drink (a low cal, low sugar one) on the days I lift. I think I could use it.

So I guess that's it. I still don't weigh-in until Monday, and I know there's no real reason to be a crab apple about shit. (Perhaps it's PMS related...) This post was sort all over the place, but it did help me remember that I've made some excellent progress this week. And that there's plenty I can do to feel like I'm making even more progress.

Blah blah blaaaaaaaaaaaah grr.

Big weekend ahead, btw. A lot going on. I"m hoping it will make it easier to eat well than harder. I'll grab a drink tonight with Dan after work and a light din with Kevin before we go see a show. Tomorrow is super fuckin busy. And Sunday is busy too. I'll get in another workout and avoid the sugar!

blah blah

I could sleep for days. Quick posting - worked out again yesterday, did some cardio on my lunch break, felt good. Ate mostly well all day, but got SUPER hungry around midnight and ordered a salad. At least it was a salad. I had a few of Kevin's fries too, and saved the rest of the salad for lunch today, but it did put me over points. No big deal. Still making good progress this week as opposed to prior weeks. My flex points this week will not be anywhere near 70, so that's good to know.

I'm sleepy today. I would like to take a night off exercise, but I don't know if I'll get to go tomorrow or Saturday either, so I might just have to suck it up and go tonight. It depends on a series of factors. It's incredibly snowy here today, but sometimes I like being in the gym getting all sweaty and gross when it's yucky outside. Cuz all I'm gonna do is go home and veg out anyway.

I need to earn some points back too, so maybe that's another good reason to go workout. I was doing well today, but then a HUGE thing of cookies came out. I only had half of one, but I wanted more. And someone put some incredible onion rings in the kitchen and I had one of those as well. DELICIOUS OMG. I also might have had a bit too much feta cheese with that salad last night and today. But I'm still keeping things in check.

Kevin might take me out to dinner tonight, but I'll ask for Sushi, I think, and avoid the fried stuff.

The holidays at the work place really get me. It's tough to navigate an office full of incredible, expensive-and-therefore-amazing sweets.

I'm gonna get plenty of rest tonight, if it kills me. I need the sleep badly and I have a very busy weekend ahead, so it's important that I go into it well rested. Otherwise I will eat what I want and not exercise. And neither of those things are happening. Not this time.

Just wanted to remind you...

...that I'm blogging about food and exercise on this particular URL right now. If you want to read my normal-human-who-isn't-obsessing-about-calories blog, the link is on the right. It says "My Regular Blog".

Go there. It's better there. I promise.

Don't burn your eyes reading about the dieting stuff unless you want to. And I wouldn't recommend it.

all things considered

All things considered, that went pretty well last night. I definitely didn't stick to the exact plan I had in mind, but having made the plan to begin with really helped me mentally during the party. And luckily, I was able to make some good choices (and not feel like a fatty) while still having a nice time.

I didn't even realize that this being a fancy Park Avenue apartment party, there wouldn't even BE tons of unhealthy food laying all over the place! Duh! These are rich people. They have salmon on wafers at these sorts of parties. They have waiters who pass the hors d’oeuvres, so you can't really take more than one at a time without feeling like a jerk, and you're at the mercy of the kitchen who decides how often and how much food is coming out. Thank god.

They still had some tasty stuff...chicken and mango salsa on toast, mini grilled cheeses, mini hamburgers (omg), mini pizzas, something with salmon....this all had fancier names that I can't remember, btw. And they had some bowls of nuts lying around that I definitely helped myself to. I had a few of each of the hors d'oeuvres and a few glasses of wine (they keep pouring for you and I'm sure that glass was refilled at least once that I didn't authorize, but oh well).

The best part was that when the DESSERT TRAYS (ugh) were being passed, I only had one small fruit tart thing and left the rest...there were eclairs and chocolate thingies and I just declined. I'd had more than enough sugar. That was a major victory.

So I left the party feeling as though I'd been really successful, but then I met Daniel and Randy downtown and I ordered a small personal pizza with sausage on it. I was starving. Ha. So I ate that. Yup, the whole thing. But I don't regret it. I think I didn't a pretty fantastic job of navigating the party, I had plenty of veggies and healthy things at the party, and the pizza, although a tipsy indulgence, was very thin crusted and took the edge off the booze.

I woke up desperate for water so I've been chuggin it and I had a very healthy breakfast when I got to work. I will REALLY avoid the sugar today. There are more fucking cookies out (people send so much shit to us this time of year) and they don't even look good to me. Blech. There are lovely clementines in the kitchen so if I'm desperate for sugar, I'll have one of those and a small dark chocolate square.

Lunch will be a frozen meal, either a panini (6 points) or a burrito (5 points), and then I'll have an afternoon snack, perhaps some popcorn and a piece of fruit. Dinner will be whatever I can grab because I have a rehearsal and a show back to back tonight and won't be done with everything until around 11. Hopefully I can find something cheap and simple and healthy - maybe soup, maybe a salad? We'll see.

I'm going to exercise again on my lunch break today; hopefully I can get 30 mins of cardio in. I think I pretty much cleared out my flex points for the week last night, and one of my goals this week is to stay within 35 flex points, so the rest of the week is gonna have to involved very judicious food choices and plenty of exercise to earn those APs. It's hard to go from eating around 30 points a day to eating around 23 points a day, but that's what I have to do. These first weeks back are always the hardest. And frankly, I probably underestimated some of my food intake, pointswise, last night, so I think it's better to just call it a week in terms of the flex bank and move on. Yup, I'm dieting. Yup. I am. That's just the way it goes.

The only other challenges this week will be drinks with Daniel on Friday night and a Christmas party late Saturday night. Daniel will only have about 35 minutes to hang out on Friday night so I can probably just get away with having one low-cal drink with him. No problem there. And the party on Saturday night will be easy to navigate if I stick to sparkling water and we don't stay too long. Yup, I'm dieting. Sorry, world. This is how it has to be for now. I ALWAYS enjoy myself with food and drink. I'm taking a break for a little while.

I'm feelin really really good about being back on track this way, even if I did eat 25 points extra last night. I'm loving blogging about it right now and I'm loving being accountable. I woke up this morning feeling and looking good. Awesome.

I'm hoping to pick up a scale some time this week so it's easier for me to check in.

All good things...

The Calm Before The...More Calm

Tonight's party will not be a storm of food and drinks for me. It simply will not. I know I can do this - go and enjoy myself and be calm and relaxed and enjoy the music and the people and some nice sips on some expensive fancy alcohol and not leave feeling like a pudg-o-meter.

I've done pretty well today. Got in my lunchtime workout, which felt great. Was able to squeeze in 20 mins of cardio AND all the lifting I wanted to do. No abs or serious stretching to speak of, but I'll take what I can get.

I have eaten well today also, except for three small cookies I had earlier and several chocolate covered cherries. That's about 7 points in sweets! Yikes. That's plenty of sugar. Perhaps I will not have any sweets at the party. I just had a snack of popcorn and a clementine, so I'm feeling pretty good.

I just wanted to check in for myself and my accountability. I'm eager to see a loss when I weigh-in on Monday, so navigating this party like a reasonable human being is an important part of that.

(Also! I have a new motivation for losing these 20 pounds...I'm getting new headshots in January! Those are expensive and I want them to look GOOD.)

okay, okay...

...So, good day yesterday, for the most part. I feel pretty good about having a renewed committment to this stuff. Like I said yesterday, it's not like there's a TON that needs to change, they're just tweaks and adjustments to my lifestyle. I feel a renewed sense of resolve about making that happen.

I did not workout yesterday. I really wanted to and I would have felt really great today if I'd gotten to, but it just didn't happen. I wasn't able to go on my lunch break (which always ends up being not much of a workout anyway because I only have about 25 to 30 mins to do anything once I get to the gym) because it was very busy yesterday at work, and I had an improv practice right after work, which ran late. I was partially planning to go after that practice, but I didn't get home until 11, so, no waaay.

I also didn't get to step on a scale yesterday, so I don't exactly know where we're starting from here, numberwise. I think we'll just call it 168 and be done with it. Could be higher, could be lower, who knows. It's right around 168.

But I did do pretty well foodwise. I had an eggwhite omelet for breakfast, soup and half a bagel with PB for lunch, a couple pieces of amazing chocolate that someone sent to my office, some popcorn in the afternoon, a souvlaki sandwich for dinner, and then, the one thing I really didn't need: a nice big chunk of a cinnabon. (I bought one for Daniel because he loves them. In retrospect, I knew I was going to have a bite of it. But I really did buy it for him!)

So that cinnabon put me over my points for the day by about 4, but that's okay. All part of the learning curve.

Today will be a bit challenging, but I'm up for it. Our office holiday party is tonight; my boss it throwing it at his very fancy Park Avenue apartment. So I'm CERTAIN there will be amazing snacks and high quality alcohol. I guess I should make a plan before I go.

I have already had a very sensible breakfast - whole wheat english muffin with PB and a banana, and yesterday I bought several healthy frozen meals (did you know Kashi now makes frozen entrees? whaaat?!) from a gourmet grocery store nearby, so I plan to "eat-in" all week long for breakfast and lunch. It will be easy to keep the points to a minimum today if I eat one of those frozen lunches, so I shall. I also plan to go to the gym on my lunch break. It will have to be a very quick workout, perhaps some cardio and some weight training, which will be a better calorie-burn than just the cardio alone. It will have to be very quick though.

Then, tonight, I will make sensible choices at the party. I will not eat dinner tonight and simply use those calories on the bitesize stuff at the party. I will also save room for three drinks, max. Probably gin and soda, since that will be low in calories. Maybe I'll have a glass of red wine if the mood strikes me. But no need to go crazy, it's still an office party for the most part. I will try to have a couple glasses of water too. I can practice enjoying the high quality of the food and alcohol rather than the quantity. (Even if it is free. Ugh, delicious, abundant, free food and drink. Yup, I've got my work cut out for me.)

My other tactic will be to have a piece of fruit or some popcorn just before we go so I'm not ravenous (and someone just put a big bowl of clementines in the office kitchen, sweet), and then when we get there, I'll have one taste of food, just to get it out of my system, and then I'll wait a little while before I have more. If I get into a frenzied eating pattern early on, it's a dead zone. I could easily graze my way through this whole night and end up 20 points in the hole. That will not happen tonight, so I just have to decide not to do it. I can gravitate toward the healthier options too, as opposed to fried or buttery stuff. There's no reason to stuff myself. Tomorrow, I want to feel really good about how I navigated the party.

So:
snack before we leave
3 glasses of alcohol throughout evening
intersperse with water
choose healthier foods
be judicious about how much I eat by tasting early on and then waiting a while

(If you're not into this weight loss thing and you're reading this right now, you're probably shocked, dismayed, and baffled at the extent to which I'm discussing these details. Yup. This is how it has to be. Trust me. It doesn't always have to be this way, but if you're trying to lose weight and regain control of your eating habits, it has to be this way for a little while. If you were once a fat girl, the likelihood of you attending a party with delicious food and drink and overeating to the hilt is pretty high. If you want to avoid it, you gotta do the pep talk. Weird but true, weird but true.)

Okay that's that. Feelin pretty good about this plan. Feelin' pretty good about getting back on track. Perhaps a WW meeting IS in my future, just to help solidify things further...hmmmm...we'll see.

Today, it's a weight loss blog.

I’m gonna write about weight loss for a little bit. If you want to read my regular blog go to www.jenc.tumblr.com. (Link on the right.)

It’s been a long time since I’ve written a post of this nature. In fact, I don’t think I”ve ever done this on this blog at all. When I first became a blogger, it was for the sole purpose of blogging about my weight loss experience. I lost 113.8 pounds and I started the blog well into that journey, after I discovered many other weight loss blogs that I read during that time were key parts of my system of support and ultimate success. I wanted to give back to people in that same way and create an interesting way for myself to be accountable.

I’m telling you right now that if you don’t already know me as a girl who attended weight watchers and wrote in detail about her food intake on the internet, you might want to quit reading right now. It can get very very tedious to read about other peoples food and exercise neuroses and really only those of us who are also going through or have gone through the same neurotic weight loss experience can relate. So if you don’t want to read details about how much I weigh, what I did for exercise yesterday, and how fat or thin I feel, leave now. I mean, I’m really begging you, leave now. Because it’s embarrassing enough for me to write this stuff as it is. But I want to become more accountable for my actions in this department and this is how I did it the last time, so this is an approach I’m going to take again.. Okay, enough disclaiming. I’m not sure how long this will be a weight loss blog, but today it is. Eff you if you don’t like it.

So the lowest weight I ever got to was 150.6, I think. And that was pretty good. I could have stood to lose 5 or 10 more pounds, but doesn’t every one feel that way?

I think I’m hovering around 168 right now. Which is NOT a weight I want to be. Granted, the 150 is a number I only hovered around for a few days, maybe a week, and my body rested more comfortably around 155 during that time (which was October 2005, btw – yikes!). So in the last two years (yikes!!!), I’ve put on about 15 pounds, give or take. That’s not awful, but it’s not great, and it’s not a trend that can continue. Oh HELL no.

What I want to do now is get back down to 150. Where I go from there will be up to God, frankly, because 150 was HARD work. But I know I can get back down there at least. I felt a lot better at that weight. And I will relish it even more the second time around.

I only exercised ONCE this past week. Despite this, I’ve been pretty good and pretty consistent in the last few months with my exercise. It certainly hasn’t been the caliber of exercise I was used to back in the day, but it’s been pretty good. Several days of cardio, two to three of lifting, each week. Not bad. Can always be better, though.

The problem has been the food. Interestingly, I still track points! I’ve done it pretty much every day since I started weight watchers over 5 years ago. That’s just how I stay SOMEWHAT within the realm of reason, even if I’m not actively trying to lose weight. And the trend that I’ve noticed in the last few months is that I eat about 70-75 flex points each week, consistently. So I eat my 23 points a day, and then I eat my 35 extra flex points each week, plus and additional 35 – 40 MORE points! Holy cow. No, that’s not a TON of extra food in the and yes it’s amazing that I still write it all down, but it’s still easily 2000 extra calories a week. Holy shit that’s a lot. That’s like almost two days worth of extra food So there’s some perspective I just achieved.

I’m not sure how best to go about changing this, except to just get down and dirty with it. Make changes, cut corners, eat less, change what sorts of things I eat, go back to basics: look up nutrition info, don’t guess all the time, make healthy choices in terms of what food groups I’m choosing, avoid alcohol, avoid over-snacking. It’s easy stuff, but stuff that I’ve slowly strayed away from here and there. Those calories add up. I’ve enjoyed the last two years of relatively free eating. The best part is that no matter what kind of damage I might want to do, foodwise, in any given night, I’m literally incapable of eating the way I used to. My habits, my normal way of living, has fundamentally changed, which is very cool to learn and relearn all the time. I am constantly making great choices based on the calories or the health benefits, it’s completely kneejerk. There are some things I won’t even eat because I just don’t think it’s worth it, healthwise. So that’s very cool.

I guess the stuff I need to add back in are weighing myself more often (I try to do so once a week, but it’s not consistent) and writing on here to be accountable. Also, setting a goal for myself, and setting smaller exercise and food goals.

Mondays will be my “weigh-in” day, though I don’t think I’m going to be going to meetings anytime soon. We’ll see. Right now, my scale goal is 150. My smaller goals for this week are going to be manageable. 4 times exercise, and no more than 35 flex points. I think that sounds pretty reasonable. Okay, can’t believe I’m posting this on the internet. Oh god. Gotta start somewhere, right?

Now that I've got that new blog, I can use this old blog for anything I want!

I watched the new HST reel today - Chris showed it to a bunch of us this afternoon and it's AWESOME. But the one thing I realized is that I could stand to lose some weight.

If you came to this blog from my old weight loss blog, you will understand where I'm coming from. If you came to this blog as a friend outside the weight loss community, you might roll your eyes at me and think I'm silly to write this shit online.

But I was thinking the other day about how I came to be a big internet person, because when the internet first came out, I was decidedly un-internet-y, only ever online to check my email or MAYBE go to a website. I had a boyfriend at the time who was big into the internet and I could never understand it. I realized that when I joined weight watchers a few years later and started losing weight, I became more active online, reading people's blogs, posting on the WW forum, generally learning more and more about weight loss from the world wide web. So from pretty early on in my weight loss, the internet played a big part of my experience.

So I guess there's no other fitting place to return to when I feel like I need to shed a good 20 pounds. And that's about all it is. 20 pounds. That might sound like a lot to some people, but it's not, trust me. I've lost 115. What's 20. Peh.

But it's hard work, regardless. And I've got to get recommitted to it. I still workout all the time and I'm ALWAYS watching what I eat, but I'm not actively focused on LOSING weight right now. And I need to be. Because I look like the not-thin girl on this HST reel, which is not the "type" I want to be when HST hits it big. I guess I might not have a choice in that matter, since I'm never gonna be a size 2, but I can control how not-thin I am, can't I? :)

More on this soon, I suppose. Starting now, I'll workout and eat well for the next two days and then I'll weigh myself on Monday (I usually check in with the scale on Mondays) to see what we're dealing with. Maybe I'll even go to a weight watchers meeting?!?! Whhhhaaat?!?! :)

I'm blogging somewhere else now.

Same title, same girl, different URL.

I have no idea how long this will last. Probably a while. I'm enjoying the hell out of it.

And my silly boyfriend has decided that HE has a blog now too! Whhhuuut!? Okay, fine. But mine's better.

Anyway, come check it out over there. You can't post comments on that blog, which sorta sucks, but you can email me at twizzlers519@hotmail.com if you have a comment. Perhaps I'll post your comment on the ol' blog. Now you're thrilled, I know.

I'm trying

this out for a minute.

It might rock? We'll see.

odds. ends.

If I ever hang up the phone on someone prematurely, someone who calls my work phone, I feel bizarrely guilty afterwards. That poor guy was just saying "Have a nice day," and I was in a hurry and I cut him off and hung up before I realized what was happening. I hate that I might have made him feel blue or foolish for trying to be pleasant. I love pleasant! We should all be pleasant!

In other news, I almost typed "Tony Romo" into my boss' message log.

No idea.

Crack.

Someone just put a bowl of M&M's out on the snacks cubicle corner in the office, you know the one where the snacks always sit, if there are snacks that day?

And the entire bowl was eaten in probably four minutes or less. And this is not a big office.

People are still high on the thanksgiving crap food crack. And I'm one of them. CHOCOLATESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

Chocolate?

So I'm back. From home. I went home. To Chicago. A suburb of Chicago, actually. If we're getting technical. Crystal Lake. Crystal Lake, Illinois. My little cousin, Trisha, is getting married at the end of December. So she thoughtfully arranged it so that most of the pre-wedding festivities would take place the weekend of Thanksgiving so that everyone would be available and home and wouldn't have to make extra trips. Very cool.

My thanksgiving day was lovely, the following day was lovely, as was it later that evening when we had a bachelorette thang for Trish. Just the women in the family got together at my mom's house early on and we did something really awesome: we made a plaster cast of Trisha's breasts! What?! you may ask? But that's what we did. :) It's a long story, but basically my mom knows how to make plaster casts of things - she learned in a class or somethin - and Trisha's always wanted to do it to her bust so we did it as the start of a tradition and a bonding thing for her. She's the first of this generation of our family to get married and we're all very eager to make it super special for her. So we cast the bust and painted the bust and did some tequila shots to make it all a little easier (cuz naked boobs are still naked boobs which can sometimes make people uncomfortable). Then a couple of Trisha's friends joined us at the house for more drinking (the breast part was totally over by this point) and we eventually left to go out for a night on the town.

I don't think I've ever gone out to the bars in my home town when returning home for a holiday. So it was basically hilarious. I'm a little too old to have seen many of my high school friends out, most of the people were several years younger than I am, but my cousins (Trisha is one of four girls) saw lots of people they knew. It was pretty insane. People bought us shots, we ran into my uncle (Trisha's dad) who gave us more cash for drinks and sent us on our way, and we rocked it out until the wee hour of 1am. Ha.

I guess last call in Crystal Lake is like 1:30 or something? I dunno. But I'm past my intense partying phase of life so when I heard that we were being picked up at !am I was thrilled. Granted we'd been drinking since 5pm, but still...

I was so. stupid. drunk. when I got home. I made Kevin, who was at home in Brooklyn editing sketch shorts, come online and gchat with me and I KNOW I said some ridiculous shit. I'm lucky he's a forgiving gentleman (who's seen his fair share of nights plenty drunker than I could ever imagine being). So yah. Drunk. But when, if not then, am I going to go all out and have a blast in her honor. (I went home after 3 drinks the night of my own birthday party.) Trisha's three sisters and I are the only women in the wedding party, so it felt like the right move. We had a blast. And it was pretty hilarious being that sloshed in my childhood home late at night, stumbling around in the dark, trying not to wake my grandma...all because my baby cousin, who's a grown woman now, is getting married and we had to celebrate. It was one of those This is That Moment moments.

The next morning was her shower, a couples shower, which I so prefer because a buncha ladies sitting around playing shower games is just gross to me. My high school theater director was there (he's friends with my family) - this man informed a GREAT deal of my life as a performer - and I haven't seen him in almost ten years. So we caught up for a while which was awesome because I have a lot of great theater stuff to brag about.

I flew home to New York that afternoon, went to the HST show straight from the airport, we played to a sold out house (where are all these people coming from?), and then I made Kev take me home. I was exhausted. And it was really good to see his goofy face again. ;)

The rest of the weekend flew by with, somehow, more eating? and drinking? and laying around? And here we are. Her wedding is in like four weeks and I'm excited.

In the meantime, I'll be jogging.

twenty-seven and thankful and it's a long entry because i've been meaning to write this for a while now

The first three weeks of my life as a 27 year old have been pretty stellar to say the least. I think the thing this birthday signified the most for me was Becoming an Actual Adult.

...whatever the fuck that means, right?

But seriously, my twenties have been mostly a crap shoot until now. I've certainly had some really great years so far, where I made lots of progress and created lots of positive things for myself (losing 100 pounds would probably fall into that category, as would returning to college to finish my degree, and rediscovering My Life Among the Living after that pesky homeless/jobless/hopeless spell I saw around 21), but I have definitely had an equal if not greater amount of very difficult times, over all, during these 7 years of twentydom. Getting fired this past year was in fact a mere blip on the radar compared to some of the other struggles. And oh what struggles there were. Losing jobs, avoiding jobs, screwing up at jobs, having major surgery - twice, breaking bones, crashing cars, fucking with my credit, fucking with my credit debt, let's fuck some more with my credit, alienating friends, alienating my mother, doing plenty of drugs, being generally irresponsible, failing classes, lying, stealing, generally sucking, being homeless, punching a boyfriend in the face, doing more drugs - the list goes on - you get the point. And oddly, a lot of it happened in a one and a half year span, but some of it dragged on a lot longer.

In fact, I'm about to pay off a cell phone bill that has been in collections since 1999. I was 19 then. So these issues evidently bleed back into the late teens as well.

The point is, it's been a tough road. Or as my therapist once said, "You've always had a difficult time." Yes. Well. I certainly have, haven't I.

And of course I'm of the school that says I created those difficult times for myself. Thank god I at least had that insight during all of it. Nothing is more ugly to me than the screw-up who thinks the world is screwing her. I always knew it was my own choice to be making the mess and my own choice to climb out of it. It was just the climbing out part that I seemed to find next to impossible. And who wouldn't.

My close friends know the whole "story". (As those years have gotten further away, the story has become less definitive of who I am and more of a series of anecdotes, but it all felt anything but anecdotal as it was happening.) I was all about making a big ol' mess. And I finally had the messiest mess of shit happen the summer before I turned 22 that knocked me, hard, into fixing things. But it takes a lot longer to fix shit than it takes to break it. And I'm still fixing. I fixed a LOT in those first few years, making major strides all the time. But I have never fully felt that I got to zero and kept moving upward, if that makes sense. I never fully felt that I completely repaid my debts - financial, spiritual, emotional, and otherwise - AND was able to actually move beyond them into something totally new and unrelated to being Someone With A Story. Until now. I'm mended. And I've moved on. It's really a miracle. It's taken a long time.

Twenty-six was a bittersweet year. I had a lot of great stuff going for me when I turned 26, and I'd already put so much of my Mess behind me, but there were still some habits and weaknesses and misguided values that were sneaking in and making it hard for me to live fully. I know now that stuff will always be there to challenge me and I have to make better choices for myself every day, but I had myself tricked for a while into thinking that those challenges weren't there at all. Then I got fired from my cushy job and endured a momentary tail spin that felt a little too close to the horrible feelings of Homeless '02. That's just what our bodies do with tough times, associate them to other tough times, even if they aren't terribly similar. So it felt scary to have that instability again. And it shook me. So that was a hard part of twenty-six.

I saw lots of good parts of twenty-six too though. HST, improv, friends, health, etc. And I fell in luv. Eeeew! Gross! Aaack! Barf! And that shook me too, except in a good way and with my pants off. ZING!

I started to piece things together for myself (again) after getting fired and found some places that had been needing some more attention than I'd been willing to give to them. My horoscope recently said something like "You've gotten so used to dithering around that you don't even know you're doing it." Yup.

And I'm just at this point now - this point where I'm not gonna except anything less from myself than what I know I'm capable of giving to myself. I want to be healthy in body and mind. I want to use eye cream on my eyes because I'm not gonna be young forever. (Shut up, Kevin.) I want to smoke less pot (And oh my god I actually am for the first time in 7 entire years I cannot believe it yes yes yes yes yes!!!!) because who the fuck needs the extra hurdle, life is hard enough without putting roadblocks in your own way. I want to exercise as often as possible because it will make me healthy when I'm 80, not because it will make me skinny. I want to meditate and have a healthy awareness of my spirtual state because it's important to me to get the most of out of this Consciousness thang we humans got goin' on. I want to enjoy my friends and laugh with them and dust my bedroom more often and buy myself new sweaters because it makes me feel happy to have clothes I like. I want to write thank you notes to people and let the irritating shit roll off my back and wear jewelry because I like how it feels and hang out with my cat and love my boyfriend and practice patience with him and support him in everything he does because he deserves to be supported. I want to take vitamins and balance my check book and have good credit (who AM I?!) and accrue frequent flyer miles because that sounds like fun. I want to stop tempting fate into trying to convince me over and over again how precious my life is in the form of crashing my car, breaking my foot, losing my salary, or owing somebody a shit ton of money. I want to honor my life as a way of thanking the Universe for all the cool things I've been able to do so far, all the awesome stuff I've gotten to see, all the amazing opportunities and second chances and first tries I've been given, all the seriously fantastic people I know, the wonderful family I have, and the general wellness I've been given.

I'm so grateful for that stuff. I'm so so eternally grateful for it. But most of all I'm grateful that I've taken so many stupid chances (and, granted, memorable risks) with that stuff and have still ended up here, 27, truly appreciating the whole game.

Plus I have new cat pants.

Toronto Recap

We performed at Second City. The stage was sick. As in, cool.


Sara and Clayton waiting in the chilly northern weather for the bathroom. I'm surprised Clayton's not flicking off the camera here. I usually have a hard time finding photos where he's not.


We went to the CN Tower, a very tall building. Their security sensors blast you with all these shots of air! It kind of hurts!


At the top of this tall building they have a glass floor. I was scared/excited. But mostly very very scared. It's funny how your body almost won't let you stand on a glass floor that's thousands of feet up in the air. The body likes the safety.


Me, Sara, Billy, Kevin with a piglet puppet on his hand, and some weird Bear we met along the way. (Just kidding, it's really Fanny. But what an hilarious bear head!)


This was the photo they snapped of us at the CN Tower in front of a green screen and tried to make us buy. Billy took a picture of the monitor where they showed it to us and he got in big trouble. About the photo Billy said, "It looks like you guys love each other! And I'm there!" I find that unmistakably hilarious. Billy and I have been laughing about it ever since. You have to hear him say it. He's a real geek.


Top of the CN Tower. Windy and tall.


Billy made a friend. It's his forte.

All in all, a good trip. Tiring and too quick and LOTS of driving but Kevin is the MAN behind the wheel of that 15 passenger van so all was well. The show was a great success, as usual (if I may be so immodest), and we ate stuff and paid for things with Canadian money. Oh my god and Mike's hot dog stand? YES. Thank you, Toronto. You make a killer hot dog.

Roommates.

I am currently drafting an entry about how proud I am of some of the wonderful strides I've made recently. One of those is my new relationship to my money and how I'm finally clearing out (although they are small) debts from almost ten years ago! So in keeping with this, I just called a law firm, that seems to double as a collections agency, to pay off (in full, mind you) an old cell phone account that has been with them since I was 19 years old. What can I say, I racked up a $600 bill and couldn't pay it and then forgot about it and then looked at my credit report eight years later and...you get the idea.

Anyway, I have been making consistent monthly payments on this account for the last 6 months, but I'm now able to afford to pay the entire balance. So I called up and tried to do it. And the psychotic psycho beast on the other end of the line who seems to have decorated herself with some sort of odd status (?) because she works at a collection's agency (?) was extremely rude and oddly defensive to me (?!) while I was being perfectly nice and reasonable and telling her I wanted to pay the damn BALANCE IN FULL. Keep in mind, of course, that I have been in "good standing" with this stupid place for 6 months! So I was being nice, because you don't get anywhere in these situations by being unpleasant and I just want to pay the damn bill and be done with it. Yet she proceeded to be a psycho rude face to me, literally responding to me as though we were carrying on two different conversations and THEN she actually said, "You don't have to get rude with me!" when I was being perfectly normal and lovely, I assure you, because hello I can get ruuuude, trust me, and this was not even fucking CLOSE; I wasn't even in the same hemisphere as rude. So I took a breath and calmly, although in retrospect, unwisely said, "I'm sorry, but I have to tell you, woman to woman, that you have been rude to me since this call began." And she actually yelled, "OH NO. BUH BYE, BUH BYE, BUH BYE." and HUNG UP ON ME before I could pay anything.

WHAT?! Did I just fall off the normal truck into Insane Town Of My Worst Nightmares? And I still owe these fuckers money?!!!

Maybe she was offended because I said woman to woman? Maybe it was an insecure dude with a gentle voice?

I wanted to cut something.

So I told Daniel about the incident. Daniel's got a real problem with these sorts of little injustices the same way I do. (He's been drafting and redrafting a letter-in-his-mind to the MTA for almost ten years.) And I also told him about a day dream I had about finding out who she is and planning an elaborate homocide. And how in the day dream, I decided that someone I know would find me in the ally with the knife waiting to pounce on this bitch and they would selflessly shake me by the shoulders and yell "HOW DID IT GET THIS FAR?"

And Daniel wrote back: Well, I wouldn’t be that person. I’d be the person who kills that person and then turns to you, with my own knife, and says, “Let’s do it.”

I love Daniel.

Oh, Canada!

Okay, I'm leaving in two and a half hours...things have been hectic at work this morning. I'm assisting several associates and partners today because lots of people are out. And I'm leaving early myself. It's been non-stop.

Sometimes I wish I could talk about some of the stuff that goes on at my job on this blog. Alas, I cannot. In fact, I signed a confidentiality agreement years ago when I first started the job. Sigh. It's too bad, though, because I enjoy being a blabbermouth.

I'm looking forward to this trip. It's gonna be such a quick one, there and back with only one day in between. I wish we had another few days, but we've got to get back to town to do our Saturday show. Woe is me. ;) The drives in the van are always fun, though, and Kev is coming, so that's fun too.

I'm in a really financially stable place right now. Probably the most financially stable I've been..oh...EVER? In my life? Yah, I'm not sure how that happened, but getting fired last year really freaked me out. I've spent the year since then working my ass off to pay down some annoying little debts. I recently paid off my (albeit very very small) credit card debt, I'm down to the last two payments on another debt, and last night I paid Daniel the final payment for the WHOLE LOT of money I've owed him for a while now! That felt awesome. And I'm actually in the black...is that what they call it? Seems it should be green, no? Anyway, things are good on that front and I'm really happy to be entering into this holiday season (which is going to be filled with a shitload of travel and events, etc.) with some security. It's a huge deal for me.

These aren't the Halloween pictures I've wanted to post but they're too hilarious to pass up:

Kev as a hunter, me as the rabbit:



Me in the hunter's mask. It's amazing how different this thing looks on everyone who puts it on (Ha, you can see my rabbit ears hanging down my back. That makes me laugh):



And this was the day before Halloween; he shaved his beard of 7 years! He said I could put this up here. Somehow, though, I bet he'll regret it just the same:



Let's cool it on the Kevin photos, huh? Sheesh, you'd think I was dating him...

(Oh, AND, I put some pictures from here from that day.)

quick

Going to Toronto tomorrow! Hope to have time to post before then, but we'll see. Busy at work, busy busy, roar. Still have plenty to say about turning 27. And plenty more photos to find appropriate places to post.

In the meantime, I'll leave you with this: These are the men in my life. They have a very complicated relationship. Needless to say, this photo brings me much happiness. What dorks.

I had a party.

I wrote details in an earlier post. Here's photographic evidence:


These are some people who were there. They are my friends. :) I'm in the lower right hand corner making a weirdo face, mid-conversation, looking suspiciously like my mother.


This is when Billy was telling Keith about Simi Wine and the psychic. I love this story. Daniel (far right) does too. He always makes that I'm Not Interested face. Don't let it throw you. He was having a blast.


I love this photo. For a host of reasons. First of all, it's like a pyramid of friends and everyone naturally zig-zags, which is v. cool. Plus, these are some of my all-time favorite Pitzens all in one corner. Jake, Phil, Chris, all looking cool like cucumbers...Keith looking like a real cheeseball buttface...Sarah mid-drink order? Perhaps. And Soroka. Ohh, Soroka. You psychopath.

It was a fun time.

reminiscence

(Finally got some photos uploaded...)

I LOVED these!! Isn't he nice to me? He is. Most of the time.

I went with the sandwich option, or a variation thereof: Toasted sourdough. Turkey. Cheddar. Mustard. Lite mayo. Tomato. Onion. Satisfying.

I will always eat the smaller of two halves of a sandwich first. Who wouldn't.

It's only 12:30pm

and I've spent the last hour thinking about what I want for lunch. And I don't start work until 10, so I, like, JUST had breakfast.

Here are the various flashes of potential lunches that have zipped through my mind:

extra large meat lovers pizza (hubba hubba. drool city.)
nachos
extra large meat lovers pizza
cookies
cookie pie
a warm chicken sandwich on rye toast with pesto spread, cheddar cheese, and carmelized onions
extra large pesto pizza with garlic.

>dies<

Kevin, I haven't forgotten about posting your Halloween photos on this blog. Nice try, though. Just wait, you guys.

Just wait. :D

birth death and stuff in between

This might be a long one, suckers. Snuggle in.

First off, I have so many photos I want to slap up here, it ain’t even funny no mo. Hopefully I’ll be able to spend some time on that tomorrow.

Which brings me to my next point. I’m really looking forward to tomorrow. Tomorrow is Nothing. (Except an HST meeting and show in the evening, but I should have a good 6 hours to myself before that.) This brings me a great deal of joy. Don’t get me wrong, the birthday festivities have been wonderful – in fact every single day since LAST Saturday has included some form of birthday celebration or gift receiving or well wishing. But I’m glad it will be over soon because holy fuck I’m so tired.

It was an awesome week, though, and last night was the final hurrah with a delightful little birthday party at Iguana in midtown. An odd area of town for a late Thursday night birthday party, if you don’t work at ING at least, but it really worked out quite well. My improv group was coming from practice only several blocks away, my sketch group was coming from the PIT where they’d just seen Clayton’s level 3 show, so they weren’t far away either. We carved out a little spot for ourselves in the corner of the bar, which turned out to be the perfect little spot, and it was so nice to see everyone there all at once. I really only invited my close friends – I hate when people feel obligated to come to a party for someone they don’t know, and I hate being obligated to go to a party for a person I don’t know, so I thought I’d keep it in the family. There might be nothing I love more (besides cats) than all my bests in a tight little space, negotiating around each other for more drinks and chips.

I had several margaritas, chatted it up with people who I don’t get to chat with often enough and then, as some people started to peace out, I got settled on a chair and chatted with the some of the dudes, reconnected with Kev, who was taking photos and generally enjoying himself. :)

The night began to wind down when an extremely drunk 50-something came over to our area to pilfer through everyone’s coats and bags because he couldn’t find his own coat. Dude looked through those piles probably eleven times, slurring something to Kevin over and over. What a weirdo.

So I did a shot with Daniel, smoked a ¼ of a cigarette (! It’s been ages since I did that. It was gross.) with Dan, Steve, and Bill, finished my margarita, and called it a night. Kevin and Dan and I cabbed back to queens and I was in bed by 1:30am, which, for me, is the best possible way for a birthday party night to end. Maybe I didn’t feel that way when I was 23, but I feel that way now, big time. You know that phrase, “You can sleep when you’re dead.” Whoever said that can suck it, because I will be sleeping Right. Now. Yesssssssss. Please turn off the lights.

I got a really sweet card from Sarah and Matt and a bag of adorable cat stuff from my friend Sara and two pink roses from my friend Chris and I was so happy to have everyone there. Warm and fuzzy. It was a great night, couldn’t have worked out better. It’s too bad I didn’t get to chit chat with everyone who showed up, but I’m sure they understand.

Plus my boyfriend rocks. He sent me roses at work yesterday. A big thing of ‘em. Very happy making.

My mom’s present to me is still at the post office, so I’ll try to go pick that up tomorrow. I’m kinda excited that I haven’t opened it yet though. One last gift.

I’m lucky and blessed and spoiled and happy. And now I need a goddammed nap. When all is said and done, I will have had a show every day this week except for Thursday and Sunday. (And Thursday was my party and Sunday we’re going to Kevin’s parents house.) I’m just exhausted. I love performing, for sure, and hangin out is good too. But I need sleep, badly. I need to cocoon up in my bedroom, turn the tv on quietly, shut the lights, get the cat into naptime position at the foot of the bed, and sleep for 8 days. That’s not gonna happen, so I’ll take sleeping in tomorrow, and a relaxing day of laundry and other errands before my 6:30 HST marketing meeting. It’s not enough, but it will have to do.

Things are gonna continue to ramp up, though, as the next few weeks are equally insane. So I’d better start getting some more regular sleep and make sure I eat my fruits and veggies and make time for exercise (going to the gym tonight after work, in fact) because I’m going to need it.

A week from today, I will be in Toronto for the Toronto Sketch Fest. We’re leaving Wednesday day night, returning Friday night. Very cool. We’re one of only a few groups performing at the Second City stage, which is an honor.

The following weekend is Thanksgiving, if you can believe it. My little cousin is getting married at the end of December so we’re doing lots of pre-wedding stuff when I’m in Chicago for Thanksgiving.

Alright. That seems to do it. I have more to say on the subject of aging and my new plans to do so gracefully and with vigor, but I don’t have the energy at the moment. So I guess I’m off to a terrible start in that department. Zzzzzzzzzz. Turn out the lights please.

I’ll leave you with something my friend at work said today, which cracked me up for some reason:

“Stabbed to death is the worst.”

Agreed.

Still Got It

Today is my twenty-seventh birthday. :)

I like this day. I've historically liked this day. And despite my worry that I was getting too old to feel all sparkly birthday good, this year turns out to be no exception. :) :) :)

I woke up to voicemails from my mom, dad, and grandma. Check, check, and check. And I'm looking forward to the whole day. Nobody at work knows it's my birthday - shhhh -and there's something I like about that.

Kevin and I are gonna have lunch when he's done with some voiceover stuff he's doing this morning, so that will be lovely also. Then I have rehearsal and a show and then tomorrow is my PARTY!

:) :) :) So far 27 feels pretty good.

Update: this is the cake that they gave me at the PIT and the whole audience sang! Very cool. I recommend it. The cake says Happy Birth. Ha! Thanks, Kev:

Spoiled.

On a lighter note, I'm pretty crazy about my boyfriend. Some of his friends read this so I apologize in advance for any cutesy-ness you'll have to witness, but I taking back my own damn blog this time. He's pretty great and I'm pretty glad about it. He does plenty of things, daily, that make me feel this way, and had he NOT taken me on a special surprise birthday celebration day on Saturday, I would still feel this way, but he did take me on a special surprise birthday celebration day on Saturday. But he DID. :D

First we woke up (how much of this am I supposed to tell, Kevin? i won't talk about the sex, how bout that? that seems fair, right? hello? kevin?) and I sat up in bed and closed my eyes so he could give me my first (and favorite) present, a Calvin & Hobbes book called Homocidal Psycho Jungle Cat, which I do not own and have not read and cannot be happier to now possess. THEN, we left the apartment to go to a surprise location. The surprise location turned out to be a fancy pants spa where I would be treated to AND HOUR AND A HALF OF MASSAGE AND REFLEXOLOGY. If you don't know me, you don't know that I am newly in love with reflexology. Luckily, Kevin knows me. And it. was. bliss. Omg. It was incredible. He had our good friend Clayton ask his boyfriend Joe, who is a massage therapist, to recommend someone and he recommended his favorite woman in the city. And jesus christ. Yup. She was to die for. It was a life altering experience, that massage, where things happened like breathing passages that I didn't know existed opening up in ways I didn't know I could feel. It was pretty transcendent.

And Kevin went to Starbucks and read the paper while I was in there. So sweet.

Then we went to another surprise location (because I like surprises. so what.) for brunch. A place called Five Points.



OHhhh delicious. I really enjoyed it a lot. The atmosphere was awesome, the food was awesome. We sat in this one small portion of the restaurant that is bathed in natural light in the one table right in the middle. And I had two mimosas. Slurp.



If you look closely you can see the first item on the menu is Churros with Mexican Hot Chocolate. We got those too. OMG. (In this picture they sort of look funny, but they were funny DELICIOUS.)



My meal was so fucking yummy:



Then there was a period of time that shall remain unaccounted for on this blog. Hubba hubba. (Annoyed yet, honey?)

And then we went to the Apple Store and I got another present. :o)

So, it was a pretty perfect day. And I told him that he could have spent a tiny percentage of the money he spent and I still would have been happy. It's true. I'm not a things-person. But I felt spoiled. And being spoiled for one day won't rot yer teeth.

Day before the Day

Tomorrow is my 27th birthday.

I'm not in the mood to write the ol' Birthday Post. You know the one. Where I'm all reflective and thankful and make some goals for the year ahead or some bullshit. I'll do it soon enough, I suppose.

I'm sick with a cold that's hanging on like they do and it's making my head hurt today. I've decided to avoid any more advil cold and sinus today since it stands to reason that the bod could use a break from the constant medicating that's been happening lately. Zicam, Theraflu, Advil. zzzzzz.

I'm feeling a little odd about this birthday. It's the first time I feel old. I know I'm not old, I know, I know, all you 30 somethings get off my back about it. But I'm sure you remember 27 and I'm sure you remember that 27 felt particularly adult. Plus my grandpa wrote in my birthday card that my being 27 makes him feel old. Oh, Grandpa, I hear ya.

I'm worried about aging rapidly all of a sudden. I'm worried my face will turn into something less youthful and my bones will start to creak and ache. I'm worried about missing my youth. It makes me want to cry. I know they're all silly worries and they'll go away as quickly as they've come, but it's the first time I'm feeling some of this stuff, so let me live it. I suppose watching an Oprah on anti-aging last night didn't help. We live in a culture of television-that-produces-fear-which-inevitably-makes-some-white-dude-some-more-money.

Regardless, I think with my birthday might come a renewed desire to focus on health. Taking vitamins, eating leafy greens, avoiding toxic chemicals. Somehow the idea of ever bearing offspring seems instantly overwhelming.

Hm. How bout a nice solemn post to usher in the birthday. :)

I'm definitely going shopping on my lunch break today. I practice retail therapy MAYBE once a year, if that, and this might just be the day.

'weeeeen!

He won't let me post the REAL ones yet (and if you know him you should probably give him a hard time about it...) but here's a photo from Halloween with me as a rabbit and Kevin in his first costume of the night, a rabbit hunter, also known as horrifying old masked man. Try kissing someone who's wearing that thing. You don't want to, trust me. The long phallic nose alone is enough to make you want to shower immediately.

I hope to put up more photos soon, but this is what you're getting for now.

(And c'mon, it's really a terrible photo of me! But look how I selflessly slap it up on the ol' web because, despite any embarrassment I may feel, who cares! Some boyfriends should considering adopting the same devil-may-care approach to photo posting. Ahem.)

<3

I posted something a while back about my professional life since college graduation, but I realized it was an entirely too-long-and-detailed post to subject innocent people to its vastness, so I took it down. Better left as a private note to myself, right?

I just want you to know that I love my job. I'm very happy about working here again. And I hope that if I ever get frustrated as hell about this place or sick and tired of it, the way one can get about any job after a period of time, that I will reread these words and remember that I'm lucky to be back here.

I can wear what I want. Understand? This matters to me BIG. FUCKING. TIME. Why? Who knows. It's just who I am. I hate restrictions. My friend Ryan always used to tell me I'm a "don't box me in" kinda girl. I never really understood that. I do now. Don't box me the fuck in.

I don't have to be here until 10. Understand? This matters to me BIG. FUCKING. TIME. It means I can stay up late and do stuff.

I enjoy the content of the work because it's interesting as hell (music law) and I enjoy the people because they're super nice and down to earth. I'm treated with respect and I get free lunch sometimes. Like today. Amazing pasta with sun-dried tomatoes.

....and I've just spent the last four hours writing these few paragraphs because this day is so crazy busy.

Sigh. I still love it, though.

All Hallows Eve

I had such a great time last night.

I suppose my posting has been relatively minimal lately. In fact, I don't even remember what I've updated about and what I haven't. But things are good. Work is great, comedy is great, boyfriend is excellent, cat is still nuts, roommate relations are good, exercise is reasonable. I feel pretty happy. Though, I haven't had much time at all for leisurely things like posting on this blog (or doing my laundry or fighting off this cold I seem to have collected somewhere along the way).

But there's been plenty to blog about, certainly, and I come into work each morning hoping to have time to write, but it never pans out. Work is hectic too. However, the main complication is that my computer at work is inSANEly slow. It's got a mere 256 MB of memory which is apparently pathetically little. And it's next to impossible to get stuff done efficiently during the day, let alone, navigate between websites. I'm getting a memory upgrade soon, thank god. I seriously need it. When I try to toggle between windows it sometimes takes a full 90 seconds JUST to open the new screen. Do you have any idea how long 90 seconds is when you're staring at a frozen computer screen? While someone really 'important' is on hold waiting for the information you're supposed to be looking up? At a law firm? Where shit moves fast? It's maddening and feels like I'm working on a tin can from 1987.

And it also reminds me that we as a culture have become very impatient. Or perhaps just I, as a culture, have become impatient.

Anyway, I had a great time last night.

First of all, it was my good friend Fanny's birthday. Her name is Faryn. We call her Fanny. And she loves cookies and sweets. So we all went to this chocolate restaurant for dinner. Delish. Everyone was dressed up for Halloween and it was adorable. I was dressed as a rabbit (and Kevin was dressed as a rabbit hunter.) Then we had to rush out to go do a show at the PIT. I was still dressed as a rabbit, but Kevin had to change into something else for the show. I truly and sincerely hope he'll green light me putting some photos of the event up on here because oh my good god, you want to see them.

Anyway, the shows were a blast - very festive and spooky-feeling. Everyone had such fantastic costumes and their performances were equally wacky. Nothing like a good holiday to spice up your improv. Afterwards, there was a keg and other party favors to go around so I hung out with friends and chatted and laughed the night away. It wasn't until 12am when Kev and I were cuttin a rug on the dance floor like we were the only two souls in the room that we realized that it was a lot later than we thought it was and we were supposed to meet back up with the Fanny Party. But it was too late and we missed out. I was bummed.

So we went home to eat pizza and stay up even later instead. :) Fun fun so much fun.

I had a few beers at the party but I have been drinking so infrequently lately that that was all I needed. I was pretty tipsy and I definitely made the most of it.

This week and next week feel so super-charged to me. There's so much exciting, rewarding stuff going on. Costumes yesterday, a fun dinner out tomorrow night, and Saturday (!) is a very exciting day (!) because Kevin is surprising me with some birthday activities that he won't reveal. All I know is that I wasn't allowed to make plans on Saturday. So THAT sounds like the right idea.

Then next week is even more intense. I'm doing FIVE shows next week - three improv, two sketch. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday. And Thursday is my birthday party. Oof! I'm really looking forward to it though. I love the way it all fell into place like this. It makes me feel fantastic to know I'll get to perform so much next week because it's the perfect way to celebrate turning 27.

I can't wait to put up pictures of Halloween. Don't die when you see them.

Again!

Another Harvard Sailing Team video up on Dot Comedy! Now we have two videos up on their home page, which is pretty great.

(Btw, there are more videos on our myspace page, if you like videos.)

Nice.

NBC Universal has a comedy website called Dot Comedy. After several face to face meetings and what I'm sure were many phone calls and emails, they wanted to purchase some of Harvard Sailing Team's videos. This was awesome news because we love making videos and we love when that equals fame and fortune. The first video they bought is up on their site now. And I'm in it. That's me, above, doing some serious acting with my main bitch Clayton. Pretty neato. :)

But!

I didn't want sugar in the iced coffee mister! I said no sugar, not yes sugar. And I certainly can't go back down there to ask you for new coffee! Who will answer the phones? Ohhhh...I really can't drink it with the sugar in it. I really want to, trust me, but I really can't. Every sip feels like it's >sip< rotting >sip< my >sip< insides. Dramatic? Perhaps. But if you don't like sugar drinks you just don't. Who wants this iced coffee? I'm sure it's delicious.

Health Watch

Am I srsly eating (and enjoying) a hummus sandwich from Pret? I srsly am. It's pretty good. I did go pick some cheese from some sandwiches we had at work on Friday out of fridge and stick it on my plate, but cheese, veggies, hummus, and grainy bread for lunch sounds like I'm a healthy rabbit.

I could really use it after this weekend's Eat 2007 Festiganza.

That's not a real festival. That's just a made up festival that I celebrated this weekend without telling anyone else that there was a festival going on.

On Friday night, before we saw our friends in Too Much Light Makes The Baby Go Blind (which was good and interesting) we went to FriendHouse, which we love. We ate a fuckin boatload. And to think, he almost ordered an additional entree to compliment the 7 other plates of food we'd requested, but thought better of it at the last minute. Phew.

Then, Saturday, I surprised him by navigating us to this amazing Italian place I mentioned yesterday. And we ates and we dranks and then we saw a movie during which we also ates and dranks.

Yesterday I decided I was never eating again, after which I had tapas and sangria with Daniel in Astoria. And snacks later. And some of Friday's leftovers after that. And then an ice cream novelty. I'm not pregnant, I just play one on tv.

Ridiculous.

But delicious.

So today I must be nutritious. And drink diet colas. And tomorrow I must exercise.

True Crime Sunday

My birthday is one month from today. Yessssss.

My mom's birthday was yesterday. She turned 46. She turned 19 on October 6, 1980, and had a baby a month and a day later. Can you imagine? She's awesome. I sent her flowers. Her hubby took her to see The Producers. I love my mom.

Kevin's dad's birthday was also yesterday. Kevin is visiting his parents today. Birthdays are for celebrating.

My cat has some sort of psychological problem, I think. He has an obsession with a blue bouncy ball. And he cries and moans if you won't play with the ball with him. (He fetches it. Obsessively.) And he cries and moans and bites people in the middle of the night. He's been keeping Kevin awake for hours. I woke up in the middle of the night last night and Kevin was sitting up on the side of the bed, looking really defeated. I got the sense I'd woken up in the middle of a desperate moment in his life. The whole thing is pretty stressful, but thinking about it right now makes me laugh. Anyway, I have to take the damn cat to the vet.

I'm doing nothing today. I'm getting a mani/pedi, I'll go workout later even though I rillyrilly don't wanna. And I'll hang out with Daniel later tonight.

I slept IN today. Sleep tonight is a long way away.

My friend Steve and I are doing a two person improv show this Friday evening. Maybe I'm nervous, maybe I'm not. Who knows.

I saw Michael Clayton last night. I really liked that movie. I really liked it a lot. We also had dinner at a place called Celeste on 84th and Amsterdam. It was small, loud, and we had to wait 25 minutes to get a table, but the food was so so delicious and it was so cheap! It was a recommendation of Chris and Rebecca's. And while we were there, Rebe's roommate and best friend Sonya showed up with her parents who're visiting from Miami! We barely got to say hello, the place is so bustling. While we were waiting outside for our table, I overheard a bunch of people who walked by with their friends say something like, "This place is amazing," or "This is Celeste, it's supposed to be incredible." It was. I had a lot of fun. And wine.

I also lost my wallet last night. This happens once every two months. It's just how it is.