What if I blink?

This is the view from my window at work. I'm tucked away in a corner of the floor with my own little area next to the CEO's office. My computer faces me and a window and nobody else (oh you dirty girl, get off the bad part of the internet!) so I have a nice little nest back here that's mine all mine. Until April at least. Arguably, the view from my window leaves something to be desired, but I've actually become quite accustomed to it and sort of enjoy its ambiguity. Not to mention, if you stand on your toes and lean forward just so, you can see the upper half of the Hercules statue that sits atop Grand Central. There's steam constantly billowing from the top of all these immense buildings, who's roofs and top floors are all I can see, which makes me feel like I'm getting a secret glimpse of a massive urban factory, like I'm the only witness to a real life Behind the Music about Functional Midtown Architecture. There are many amazing things about living in New York, any New Yorker will tell you, but one really exceptionally amazing thing that you can't quite grasp until you experience first-hand is the fact that you, a human, end up developing intimate, personal, private relationships with stuff that's not human...like buildings or street corners or particular nooks and crannies of the city that hold meaning to you in some way...or that don't hold meaning to you in some way, but just strike you for some reason....or tables at restaurants or doorways where you always see that homeless guy or particular staircases in the subway. New York is the loneliest place on earth sometimes and it's these pieces of the city that you putter past, day in and day out, that keep you grounded and connected, even if you go an entire 24 hour period without speaking to another human soul.

I'm sure a time will come when I remember that I was happy during these few weeks and I'll wonder what it's gonna take to get that back. And I'll remember being happy and why I was happy and I'll miss these happy feelings. But for now, they ain' goin anywhere. Things are good lately. Really good. Scary good, like, is this my life? And why do I deserve this? And what quantity of canned goods should I set aside to be prepared for when it all comes to a crashing halt? But I do deserve it. And even if it all goes away tomorrow, I'll have had it for this long. Good things really do come all at once and I feel an abundance lately.

Now if I could just lose ten pounds. ;) *

*Sick how I had to ruin a perfectly good post with that, huh? Too bad. I'm a woman. And I can feel my thighs rubbing together right now.....

Lemme just tell you this stuff....

I just ate four not that small cookies. Okay?

I made an improv house team! Yay! That was fun, the audition weekend, and I'm glad it's over and I'm psyched about my teammates and getting to play regularly with people I really admire. Very cool. We're gonna have so much fun.

And I had a great night last night in celebration of a weekend's worth of hard work. (The Sunday morning callback was from 9-12 which doesn't sound awful and it's not, but it is tough to wake up early on a Sunday and feel like having fun and being funny.) After we all got our phone calls, I met up with Keith, Steve, Kevin, and Chris at a bar on St. Marks and we drank until duskish and then parted ways. The night wore on with good friends and I am in a good place today. Keith takes good pictures.

I don't have plans tonight. That sounds about right. I'm gonna go home, nap, exercise, eat dinner, clean up, watch tv, go to sleep. You know, that sorta order of things.

Kevin's cat is insanely cute. My cat is also very cute, but Kevin's cat is very cute.

I'm happy today.

I had a rough day yesterday that turned into a really surprising evening and I'm happy about it today.

Life is so great like that with its suprises. Ohh, Life...you get over here, you rascal.

Ooof, I'm TIRED, though. I didn't get enough sleep last night or the night before and the next few days are about to be a bit hectic as well. Tonight is Rebecca's 24th birthday (adorable), tomorrow I have an audition to be on an improv team and then we have a sketch show in the evening, Sunday will be callbacks for the improv team audition and then I have a rehearsal afterwards. Good god. Monday night I have off, but Tuesday night I'm going to see Kevin's sketch show, Wednesday night I have to perform in a show and go to a rehearsal, and then Friday morning I'm going to Philly for the weekend to do three shows with Harvard Sailing Team! Ooof! WhatEVER omg zzzzzzzz.

I can handle it though. I'm looking forward to the busy-ness in some strange way. I'm also hoping to (when?) find some time to exercise more often. I had to cancel my gym membership so it's really my responsbility to make it happen now. That's my main priority in the next calendar week, exercising at least 4 times. That and playing with as many cats as possible.

the pleasant hum of a routine

I got paid today, my third reasonably sized paycheck since my return to the work force. And even though all of the money I've made so far is already allotted to debts I wracked up, public and private, while unemployed; and even though I don't yet have quite enough money to pay back those whom I've agreed to pay back by when I've agreed to pay them back; and even though I can spend basically no dollars and no cents between now and sometime in February, I still feel a sense of abundance and responsibility that I haven't felt in a while. If something horribly awful happened.......I'd be able to take a cab to it. Ya know? So...that's gotta count for something. It brings me back to a sense of semi-security that I was completely without for two solid months. Additionally, I feel some true pride at the fact that I haven't squandered away the money I've been making, which is owed to other places, on crap for myself like beers and cabs. Like, I can go to therapy tonight and hand her a check that won't bounce. Hmm, 26 and still learning to earn more than she spends. Is this America, or what?!?!?!

The blog link on the right called "Arnie" links to a blog that I like a lot. Arnie used to write another blog before he started the one that that link will take you to. The other blog is called "A Year In Pictures Following The Break-Up," and it is fantastic. I've never met Arnie, even though we actually happen to know a few of the same people. He doesn't know me and he probably doesn't know I link his blog to mine. (Now it's creepy.) Anyway, my friend Sarah (also linked on the right) recommended his blog to me a few months ago. If you've never read it, I suggest you try it out. You can get there from his current blog. Start at the beginning. I spent yesterday at work re-reading it. Because I have nothing to do at this job. And because I'm in love with boys, boys who are capable of falling in love, boys with feelings, boys with cute blogs, improv, Chicago improv, and boys who do Chicago improv. At least for today that's what I'm in love with.

Check back tomorrow, when I'll be in love with any number of other things, most of which will depend on what I watch on tv this evening or whether or not I hear any funny stories about cute things between now and then.

This one might be all over the place.

Billy WON the freestyle rap competition. It was amazing. The whole night was a blast. Ask me sometime, I'll tell you all about it.

There is so little going on at work that I'm craving some tasks or hobbies. I learned to use the self-timer on my camera. Then the phone rang.

I have some "things" I'd like to "work on" this week, like eating more slowly and being more frugal and enjoying the simple things during my alone time and putting the cap back on the toothpaste. I usually do that last one, but I want to keep doing it, ya know?

It was an interesting weekend, nothing exciting, but interesting nonetheless. I wonder what it would be like if I just *snap* learned to be happy with exactly how things are.

Like these guys. We could all learn a thing or two from these guys. Needless to say, in this photo, they'd just come back from an ice cream and cheesecake run.

Look at those dimples!

Tonight, one of my very very very best friends, Billy, is competing in a free style rap competition at this comedy/improv venue. I. Can't. Fucking. Wait. Fuck. First of all, I adore this kid and if he ever reads this he'll just say, "Sick." But I adore him and he knows it. I wanna marry him and he knows it. Second of all, he is, as I mentioned, one of my very best friends of all time. Thirdly, he's a fellow HST member, so there's love and support flowing through me for that reason as well. You know, teammates.

Anyway, this competition is gonna be hilarious. I know one of the other kids who's competing too. And get this, there are two GIRLS in the competition! Is there any better way to spend a Friday night than watching some girls free style rap? No, is the answer.

I hope a big crowd comes out tonight for Billy. He's a pretty popular and likable guy, so I don't think it will be a problem. Dang am I excited.

I should have left the office 15 minutes ago....

...but I didn't, so....

1. I am easily crazy. EASILY. It's just a matter of a few uncomfortable events and BAM, crazytown. I mask it really well. And then sometimes I don't. But my closest friends and confidants know the whole truth. And I'm willing to accept that they hate me a little bit for it. It's only fair.

2. My therapist would take umbrage with almost all of the above sentence. Eff that.

3. Level 5 class show tonight. Great, fine, letsdoit. I'll wear this ol' thang.

4. When you exercise, you feel better. It's like math.

5. It's COLD here. Fine, it's not that cold, everybody stop yelling. But I find it COLD. Okay?! Can't I be my own person?! Gawd.

6. Cats = exactly.

7. I've been getting plenty of sleep lately. That's WONderful.

8. Keith. We're getting married. You and me. Tonight's the rehearsal dinner.

9. Bye !

Those Are Some Boys I Know

I can't get warm enough today. I slept with three comforters last night, I woke up this morning and refused to shower because I couldn't stand the idea of going outside with wet hair oh GOD, and I fatefully discovered a space heater (Space heater, Sarah! I just remembered what they're called!) under my desk that has become my new best friend, mother figure, and life partner in a matter of hours. I'm really easy to get to know if you're heating my office area with warmth.

I'm not feeling as fat as I felt yesterday. An hour of cardio helped. It's really funny (sad?) (sort of a mental illness?) that the difference of 3 or 4 pounds can instantly take me from feeling normal to feeling obese. I don't think I've ever had a normal body image thang goin' on. And you throw two breast reduction surgeries and a 100+ pound weight loss into mix...fuhgettaboutit.

I'm looking forward to spending a night with myself. I had some mixups at the bank which means my delicious paycheck isn't available until tomorrow, so an evening at home sounds just about right. I have rehearsal until 8:30. After that, I think I'll head home, find some supper, tidy up my bedroom, light some incense, put on whatever good program I have tivoed, and pour myself a glass of wine to enjoy. Oh feck, I need to do laundry. I forgot. Okay, so Do Laundry. Then all the rest of that stuff. Maybe I'll drink the wine while doing the laundry. Ohh, look at this little plan shaping up.

Fat.

So I'm feeling pretty fat today. I overate a ton this weekend. Sunday and Monday (holiday weekend) were both just wrought with excess eating of the easily avoidable variety. It was like I just didn't care. It's rare that you'll find a weight-loss related post on this here blog, but I feel it's due.

I weighed in at WW this past Friday, assuming I'd had one of the better weeks I've had in a while. I got in some good workouts, I'd eaten well, I was feeling thin. But when I weighed in, I had only lost .4 of a pound. Somehow this wasn't enough for me, even though as I see it written down now, I regret that I hadn't been thrilled with a "loss" at all. The point is, I must have felt like it was time to inflict a little damage, for whatever sad and pathetic self-sabotage-related reason, because I overate more than I have in months. It was pretty gross. I had three pieces of pizza at one point.

I took a lot of naps this weekend.

This is something that makes me feel awful about myself -- when I overeat to the point of gluttony. I'm feeling pretty awful about myself now. I want to erase it all from having happened. And mostly, I just want a whole week to go by wherein I eat really well all week long. That's particularly hard to do. Let's add to the fire that I've had to recently cancel my gym membership because of money constraints. I'm a worker-outter. I love it. And i need it in order to get the fats off me. I have my gym bag packed with me at work this evening. Apparently I think I'm just going to knock on gym doors until someone takes me in.

Alright, 2007. Not just yet with the eating. Let's lose some fucking weight, you JERK.

CAT!

Kevin got a new cat!

I've been sitting on this information for several days now because he very specifically directed me not to "steal his thunder" by announcing this to our mutual friends before he did. I inadvertently told MY (and his - fine.) friend Sara about it and he almost hurt himself reeling from the sheer agony and disappointment of what I'd done, so I vowed to be x about it until he'd been able to get the word out himself. I'm like a goddammed saint.

But I think he's offically told people, including Ian, for whom I was most concerned about ruining the surprise. You know, since you're such a surprise-whore, Ian. Especially when fuzzy pets are involved.

Anyway, here're three (KRG) photos of the little peanut. His name is Chaucer and he's very very sweet and loving and a little skiddish but I think he'll get over that. Now, these are cute photos, but dare I say, he's much more adorable in person.

Yay cats!!! I love when my friends get cats! Everybody! Get some cats!

Wook at da sweet babee faaaace, awwwww...

whatever. i only slept 4 hours last night.

Why do I feel blah today? Why, on earth, do I feel blah today? I've had so many good days in a row. That's probably it. Too many good days = here's a blah day. I wouldn't be me without those parts.

Names I wish were my name because 'Jen' isn't as charming as I would like:

Sarah (yup. you heard it here first. email me later.)

Mary (my middle name. a very very pretty name. Mary. Hi, I'm Mary.)

Annie (sometimes i hate this name. sometimes i love it. naaah, it's too cutsie, forget i said anything.)

Trisha (my cousin's name. and what Tim and Yang call me when we're at the Bar.)

I was in a pissish mood last night. I had improv class, during which I was hungry, pissy, and not talented. Then I went to Kevin's for a good reason that I'll tell you about later. When I got there, though, I was just a pisser. I wasn't being unpleasant, necessarily, but I wasn't being pleasant. I was just so tired. And hungry! So hungry! No matter what I ate! Still hungry! And that part sucked. And it was a damn shame because it would have been great if I had been in a better mood on this particular night. I kept trying to cheer up but I couldn't. He was trying hard to cheer me up which made it somehow worse for everyone. I'm sure it wasn't as bad as I thought but I feel crappy about the whole thing. I'm planning to move away to a cave. I have therapy tonight so it will be good to discuss some of these finer points.

Here's a thing: I've never understood love. Never. I had sex at a very early age and I think it tarnished my otherwise gentle disposition toward life.

Yes, Clayton, I heard you laugh at that.

What is there to anything, ya know? Like, why not just Be Happy all the time because someday, someday sooner than later apparently if last Saturday is any indication, this city is gonna fall into the ocean and I'm not lookin to move home to the burbs knowwanimean? I don't even know what i mean. Nevermind. I have no idea about anything. That's the truth.

Oh, no, no, we don't SAIL.

Some members of the real Harvard Sailing Team, like, the actual team, like, the ones who sail on boats and are called Harvard Sailing Team because they are from Harvard and they sail, came to our show on Saturday night!! Don't we all look so happy and collegiate? Also, look how great I look in blue. ;)

....what?

This day at work has been a mindfuck. Not really, but it's certainly been bizzy and hectic and I only just now had some lunch, phew, and now I'm sitting here enjoying some quiet time, sipping on a fresh cup of coffee, nibbling on some grapes and sweets (somebody put some RIDICULOUSLY delicious big fat peanuts in the breakroom - roar), and gearing up to do another couple hours worth o' junk before I can leave for the day. I've got a bunch to get done. And then I'm gonna go exercise when I leave here.

See how if I say it outloud I might actually go do it?

I mean, there's easily ten things I could discuss right now - like how I've been feeling fattish lately which is easily fixed - but I'm sleepy and have work to do and would kinda rather just not pick apart the whole world, right? I had a good weekend, despite a few minor hiccups, and it's probably going to be another busy week. Is that generic enough?

I need new shoes. Dress shoes. For work. Send me what you've got. Nothing open toed, I've never cared for those.

so what

Umm...what....

need a shower real bad - am v. tired - have to have drinks with a friend tonight with whom i want to have drinks, but am v. tired - miss my cat - work is good and fine and going well - i will get my first normal human being paycheck in almost three months on wednesday of next week and i'm taking you all out to dinner - i take that back.

My Level 5 class had a show last night. It was fine. I cried afterwards. But I think that might be a combination of things including that I was really hungry. Still. Improv shouldn't make one cry. It's hard sometimes, the performanth.

Kevin might be getting a cat soon and I'm abnormally excited because I love cats and I'll get to visit it occasionally and I love cats.

I love cats.

My new boss is dashing and nice enough and taught me how to make a "proper cup of tea" at 9:35am this morning.

Bullet points and a nice photo should do the trick.

- I wonder if they, at this new job of mine, are tracking what websites I go to and how often I go to them. Because they will be very amused to see me refresh www.britneyspears.com 26 times in one hour.

- I'm teasing.

- It's 46 times in one hour.

- I'm teasing.

- It's www.hillaryduff.com.

- The CEO I'm assisting will be arriving in New York this afternoon for the first time since I started this job. I will meet him in a few hours. I'm very nervous. I didn't sleep well because of it. Where was this sort of zealous work ethic when I was at my old job?

- The mysterious womb pain comes and goes and might be the beginning of mono or just a bad case of baby-in-tummy. Nah. I think I just need to eat more veggies.

- I have my first Level 5 Class show tonight for my Level 5 improv class. Barf city, I'm nervous about that too.

- Things I'm not nervous about include: talking to friends, eating, showering, watching tv, eating, showering.

- I think AOL IM makes me neurotic and I will not be signing on today. Except I can't figure out how to uninstall it from my computer. Fate?

- If I wake up in the morning to get ready for work and my roommate is also awake getting ready, I automatically hate him, wonder why he can't just stay out of the kitchen until I'm done changing (the door to my room is off the kitchen and doesn't close properly), and am at least a little bitchy just so he knows he's trespassing by being human.

- I was an only child.

Some classmates:

High Tea and My Womb

At my new job, they do "High Tea" every Wednesday at 3pm. Yes, I laughed when I first heard this. Yes, I'm not-so-nice like that.

And then Kevin said, "Tell them you'll show them what else is high, an hour and twenty minutes later."

So I have this bizarre crampy type thing going on in the ol' womb. And my period has already ended for the month (sorry, Keith*) so it seems suspicious. Perhaps I'm not drinking enough water. And my joints ache in weird places. I mean....does this spell terminal disease? No. It doesn't.

Being back in a work routine is nice. It certainly takes my mind off the bigger issues like Being Crazy and Being Neurotic and Inflicting My Crazy Neuroses On People Who Don't Realize It's Too Late For Their Timely Escape.

I'm still learning the ropes of the new gig, naturally, and it all seems pretty simple. I REALLY don't wanna screw it up. But I also REALLY wanna check my email sometimes. Right? I think the big main boss man comes back tomorrow. Nervy about that. Hope I don't trip. Feck.

Oh! Oh! AND. Did anyone see Oprah yesterday? Because it was about teens. And it was moving. And I actually stayed up to watch it on the tivo last night and cried like a little tiny baby. It was moving. Fuh rilz.

So I'm considering venturing out of my comfort zone and making plans with someone that I kinda don't wanna make plans with only for fear it will mess up other stuff in my life. But doesn't that just seem like crazytown? Make the plans, right? Let stuff get messed up, right?

My womb hurts.

*It dawned on me, Keith, that besides my friend Ian (hi, Ian), you're the only boy I know of who reads this blog but doesn't necessarily want to hear about my menstrual cycle. Now, that statement implies that there are boys who read this blog who want to hear about my menstrual cycle. And I would argue that,yes, there are. Clayton. That said, I just don't want to upset your delicate sensibilites. Or give you any further insight into issues relating to my womb than you already received last night. WHEN WE DID AN IMPROV SCENE ABOUT GETTING PREGNANT, PEOPLE! God, you guys are sickos.

Got the camera to do its thang..phewww

Okay, now it's really 2007, I swear.

I stole this from my friend Sarah's blog. I hope she won't mind.

1. What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before?
Spent an evening in jail.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't know if I had any resolutions last year, but if I did they were likely not kept.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
My good friend's sister, but that doesn't totally count because it's not my sister, and I've never met the baby.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No, thank god. I have been so blessed in that respect.

5. What countries did you visit?
None!

6. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?
More self-discipline in the form of making decisions that serve my body and mind positively.

7. What dates from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Feb. 14 because the roommie and I were arrested and October 12 because I was fired. I hope to improve these stats in 2007.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Completing 4 out of 5 levels of improv classes, HST's constant awesomeness, maintaining a 100 pound weight loss, despite lots of obstacles in the form of cookies and cakes.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Getting fired from my job for making a horrible error in judgment. Not accepting soon enough that it's okay to ask for help and admit to struggle.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Nope.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
My ipod. Which has since gone missing. Do you have it? Please return it to me, no questions asked. I'll be buying a new one with my tax refund. Roar.

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
My friends for being awesome when I got fired, financially and otherwise. My mom for being normal when I got fired. My grandma for being the opposite of her usual self when I got fired. My roommate for paying my rent for the months I was without work.

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
Someone at my old job, an ex-boyfriend...but nothing so serious that I actually cared. Let it be, I say.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Bills, partying, cab rides.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
HST, improv, when my cat's drain got removed from his back.

16. What song will always remind you of 2006?
That one with the lyrics, "So you had a bad day.." and the other one that goes, "I'm obsessin' just because you know mah naaame." Not because of the lyrics, though. Just because I heard them a lot.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? happier. the circumstances of my reality might not be a lot better (or worse, for that matter) but my perspective on them is. i'm learning to be content with exactly what is. and to see the realities in my life as extensions of the choices i make. i'm not a victim, i'm a volunteer.
b) thinner or fatter? slightly fatter. like three pounds fatter. fine.
c) richer or poorer? poorer. sad.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Gone to therapy, exercised healthier behaviors in body and mind.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Spending money I didn't have, lying, obsessing, smoking, crying in the bathroom at my old job.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
Spent it. At Grandma's. It was just fine. Lovely, even.

21. How will you be spending New Years?
Spent it. At a friend's. On the couch. Was fine. Lovely, even.

22. Did you fall in love in 2006?
No. I can't say I did.

23. How many one-night stands?
None. Puleeze.

24. What was your favorite TV program?
I probably watched more Dr. Phil than anything, but as far as TV goes, this wasn't a banner year for me. Scrubs made an appearance near the end of the year. I heart Zach Braff.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Nah. Plus, why hate. Or, if I hate them now, I hated them then too.

26. What was the best book you read?
A Million Little Pieces.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
My ipod. Which has since gone missing.

28. What did you want and get?
An ipod. Which has since gone missing. And a digital camera. And a new job before the year ended. And a nice winter coat that isn't as long as that other huge coat who's zipper is broken anyway. New glasses! Thanks, Mom.

29. What did you want and not get?
Another ipod. Another cat. A new apartment. A million dollars. A new apartment. Several pairs of new shoes.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Hmm, I enjoyed The Departed. I can't even think of what else I saw. Oh, I also loved The Devil Wears Prada. I saw that in the theater on a Monday afternoon at 5pm by myself. Oh and just under the wire, viewed on December 29, Come Fly With Me, about Michael Jordan.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 26. I had an improv class and later that week, a night out with friends. Twas fine. Nothing special.

32.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
A nicer apartment combined with more financial security.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?
Ha. THIS fits me?? Cool! Does it come in black? Oh, I can't afford it? Okay, I'll just wear these 8 shirts over and over.

34. What kept you sane?
Improv, new friends, old friends, HST, my CAAAAAAAAAT.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I won't lie, I always follow Britney. And she announced her split from K-Fed on my birthday this year. And I'm strangely drawn to Angelina and Brad, probably because he looks like my Uncle Gil. I definitely have a thing for Ricky Gervais, though. Oh and that Lebron James. Mmmmmmm...

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Well the hanging is fresh in my mind, so I'll say that.

37. Who did you miss?
Stephanie. Sometimes Steve, though I reconnected with him in December. Clayton until he came back from Hawaii.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
Sarah, Steve, Keith, lots of pitizens.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006:
You control your own destiny through the choices you make each day, no matter how mundane some of them might seem. You can only make account withdrawls against your life for so long before you have to put something back into the bank. So if you want something different for tomorrow, make a different choice today.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
So you had a bad day...

Cautious Optimism

Good day. I'm sitting at my new job. There's still the pesky business of my officially meeting the man who I'll be assisting, though we spoke on the phone for the first time this morning. He won't be in the office until Thursday or Friday, which means, if he hates me, I'm out on the curb.

But he won't. I'm adorable. Plus, I have Irish eyes. (And he's Irish. Duh.)

I woke up this morning feeling the opposite of dread, which is nice. It's been a while since I've been in a regular work-a-day routine and the last time I was in a regular work-a-day routine, I had been in that routine for a year and a half and it was just about sucking my blood dry. It's very nice to have a fresh start with new faces and new tasks and new responsibilities which can be put off in the interest of surfing the web!

Nah, I'm gonna be all over this job, on task, on point, on top. I haven't quite begun yet, but I'm just getting my sea legs, as it were. I have a few reservations to make, some calendars to update, some voicemails to see about. It all seems pretty simple. I will be nervous, naturally, once the man finally arrives and is a fixture in the office, but I'm sure I'll get used to that too.

I woke up this morning feeling the opposite of dread, perhaps I was even feeling some excitement. I'm grateful for the opportunity to start fresh with this new year.

I spent the last year doing a lot of instant gratification type stuff. 2006 was a year of being a kid for me. I spent a lot of my late teens/early twenties in a really difficult place, emotionally. And let's not forget the crippling weight gain. I never really participated in the drinking, the sexing, the partying. I never felt good enough about myself to think I deserved to have a mindless good time. So I got thin and spent 2006 partying. I became more of a regular social drinker this year, I went out more often, I smooched more often, I became the 21 year old I never got to be. Except I'm 26. So it made my joints ache more.

I'm comfortable now, I think, letting go of some of that. I still want to have a good time, but I don't feel like I need to go out and get ridiculous. It was a fun year, 2006, but it definitely took it's toll on my body and mind. I gained some weight, only a few pounds, but still. I lost my job. I spent more money than I had to spend. I definitely didn't smoke less, if anything I smoked more. I reentered therapy after realizing I wasn't ready to leave it. I had some boy drama. I had some ex-boy drama. I even had some cat drama. So 2006 was sort of a debaucherous year and I can't help but think that my hedonism impacted things I never thought it would. It was a fun year. It was a party year. It was a hard year. It was a year of testing and learning about my limits. And perhaps, hopefully, it was a year that has inspired me to set some new limits.

I'm excited, today, about being a responsible employee, about relearning a work ethic I lost for a while, about exercising and eating right because it makes me feel so good, about going home tonight after my improv class and going to sleep at a reasonable hour without doing lots of extra stuff. I'm excited, mostly, about recognizing that this silly anxiety that I've felt my whole life, this need to check-in and make sure the categories of my life all feel in place at all times, is just that: silly. And that if I breathe and relax and quit worrying all the time, I might give myself the room to make some good decisions n stuff.

Oh and I got a new camera. Lemme try to....hmph....hold on...grrr....I'll try to....damn you blogger! Hmph...okay....gimme a minute...i'll be back....grrrrr...

2007

January 1. It's officially 2007.

I did absolutely nothing for the new year, rang it in with a good friend, sitting on a couch, watching dick clark. We had some wine and some beer and some fried chicken. I did a few sudoku. Sudokus? Is that the plural? Or is it like deer. I did a few deer.

Anyway. The holidays were fine, they've come, they've gone, I'm eager to get my groove back in 2007. There are a few key things which need my attention.

I'm grateful for/curious about starting my brand new job tomorrow. I had a couple days of "training" before the holidays, but the real solo gig starts tomorrow morning at 9am sharp. It's already 6pm! Where the fuck....

I sorta can't believe this vacation week is over. Tomorrow night I'll go to improv class, Thursday night I have a show, Saturday night I have a show, things will be back to normal.

With the opportunity for renewal and refreshment on my plate, I'm eager to refocus on some healthy eating and some good, solid exercise. I'm eager to refocus on some self-improvement stuff like smoking less and honoring my body and mind more often. I'm eager to work on my new year's resolution of telling the truth more often. I'm eager to spend more time at home, in a clean room, with a happy cat. I'm eager to spend a LOT less time obsessing about certain stuff and letting go about other stuff and making good decisions by honoring the things I value.

Happy New Year. I prefer to be unceremonious about these things.