I love you, Summer.

And here I am, back in my office on the damn internet, after a nice summer weekend where I wanted to be anywhere but here.

And the work emails are starting to trickle in. And I'm looking around my desk, noticing the things that, over the weekend, I'd forgotten even existed. I have either an uncanny or totally common ability to walk out of my office on Friday evenings and systematically un-remember every single detail associated with my day-job life.

I suppose I should feel blessed that my day-job is one that I am able to un-remember every 5 days. This job - you do what you do while you're here and when you're not here, there's no use thinking about the place. Not every paycheck job is like that. I suppose I should also feel blessed that my life on the weekends is so dramatically different and active and busy in vastly un-day-job like ways. And I do feel blessed about those things. I'm hungry for more things, other things. But I do feel blessed about those things.

My commute this morning was bittersweet. I could taste the Brooklyn summer weekend slipping away from me. I held on to it almost until I walked in the door to the office. How can I encapsulate summer in a jar and wear it around my neck forever? I adore this time of year with every part of me. Being in an air conditioned office for 9 hours of the 16 hours I'm awake each day seems like the dumbest possible way to spend one's time. But not everyone feels that way.

Kevin returned last night from a weekend trip to Providence for an improv festival. I missed him while he was away but it was very nice to have the place to myself. I'm moving in with him this weekend (AHHHHHHHHHHHHHh!!!!!!!!!!) so the opportunity to take some ownership over the apartment for a few days, just me and Chawser the cat (Kevin's cat), was really lovely. I did domestic things like tidied up and cleaned the bathroom and prepared meals and took naps on the couch. And I just generally lived there. My stuff isn't there yet, but it still felt like home.

I went on long runs around Prospect Park four times this past week while at Kevin's. It has been blissful. And they have NOT been easy runs. Very difficult, in fact. The weather has been quite humid and my body is still adjusting to the hills at this park. But the entire activity itself - deciding on a whim that I think I'll exercise now, laying out the yoga mat in front of the tv, spending ten minutes stretching and lolling around on the floor, putting on my watch and my running shoes on and heading out the front door, just steps away from the beautiful park where the rest of our small corner of the world is also exercising and enjoying the weather, then running until I wanna die but not stopping because it feels secretly good, and returning home to stretch or do pilates, then hopping in the shower to wash it all away and make some lunch - has been perfect. It's like a dream come true.

I can't quite describe why being at Kevin's is so different from the life I've been living in Queens. I love Queens, don't get me wrong. Love it. Sad to leave it. And it's not that these things I'm excited about are impossible to have, no matter where you live. (You just need a mat and some running shoes!) But the apartment I'm moving out of, as I've mentioned a hundred times before, is just not conducive to this kind of active living. When you're in my current bedroom, you don't even know if it's day or night. And there's certainly no room to put out a yoga mat and stretch or do pilates. Plus, watching tv or just hanging out has to be done on the bed. Where I sleep. Mentally, that's a challenge. It doesn't mean you can't overcome the doldrums that tap on your shoulder when you're in this room. But I don't need to be spending my time fighting off unnecessary doldrums, you know? Who does?

So, I've said it before and I'm sure I'll say it again until you're beyond sick of hearing it, but the new living arrangement is working out very well so far. I told Kevin last night that I almost felt like I was spending the weekend in my mom's house in suburban Illinois because the apartment is just so spacious and comfy and just FEELS like a home. And there's nothing wrong with feeling like you're home. :)

I was very glad to see him when he came home last night. He was so wiped from the long, crazy weekend he had and it was so nice to reconnect a bit. I miss him this morning.

We've given ourselves the big task of enacting an apartment move this upcoming weekend. I have extra time off this weekend so it just seemed to make the most sense to do it now. So I'm anticipating, only slightly, the packing, the packing, the more packing, the boxes, the loading, the unloading - but it'll get done and we'll probably have fun doing it.

I think I'm desiring to savor every last bit of this time. It's huge for me, this change, and really positive for our relationship too, and I want to be really present for all the different feelings I'm gonna have. You know how you just KNOW when you're smack in the middle of one of "those" times in life. This is one of those.

Oh and my park-runs have left me ravenous. I'm insatiable this morning, even after an egg-sandwich!

I am feeling kinda stressed out today. And it's only 12:30pm.

Today starts a new WW week. Last week was right down the middle. Not amazing, not awful. I got in some excellent workouts. I made some poor food choices. I've been eating emotionally, I think. But the 4 mile run I took last night was really lovely and my body is appreciating the exercising I've been giving it lately. There's always room for more, but I'm in an okay place right now. I don't actually move into Kevin's until July 5th, but I've been staying over there and hanging out there more often than usual. It's really nice and conducive to healthy living. The living room is huge so I can spread a yoga mat out right in front of the TV and stretch, do pilates, do situps, or just relax. And the nearby park is constantly calling me to go for a jog. Plus the big kitchen, as I've mentioned, is ideal for cooking and eating in. I made a huge salad for dinner last night. The other best part is that I know the feeling of not being "home" when I'm there is about to change. And nixing the hour-long commute between our two apartments from our lives is going to be delightful. I think we don't even realize the negative impact it's had on us to have that time drain.

In other news, I feel, today at least, like I'm being pulled in a lot of different directions. And I'm just feeling resentful and pissed off about it. The new book I'm reading "The Female Brain" has been a bit of a god send in my life right now. It's incredibly interesting info about the human brain and how our brains, obviously, dictate how we perceive our reality. I'm loving it and it's helping me understand myself better. So I'm not surprised that I'm feeling how I'm feeling this week. It's probably more neurochemical than anything else. But regardless, I feel pissed. And that's my reality at the moment.

I pissed that I have to go get my headshots retaken today, I'm irritated about the work flow at my job today. I need some ME time and the work just feels like it's constantly coming in - and everyone just wants to pass on the responsibility to the next person. I'm feeling on edge about the people at work who tend to annoy me. I don't want to talk to them today or hear the sound of their voice. I'm feeling pissed off at having to be the bigger person in another situation in my world right now - feeling actually fucking furious that it often comes down to this - feeling so fed up that people can't have more patience and forethought. I'm annoyed with an old friend from college who's general attitude often brings me a great deal of frustration and the distance I feel him creating right now is making my skin crawl. I'm annoyed that I have to be the bigger person there too and that he's such an emotional child - even at the expense of this friendship. The lack of support I feel from him during this time of big change in my life is so upsetting and is likely based in his own insecurities and selfish feelings. But to ask for his support just sounds like an uphill battle that I've fought - and lost - with him many times before. My forehead feels scrunched up and my shoulders feel scrunched up. I'm dreading the next interaction with the debbie downer at work who sits next to me. She's easily the most negative person I've ever met and almost everything she says is laced with daggers. It's laughably so. On a good day it doesn't bother me but when I'm feeling on edge it really makes me livid. I'm sick and tired of dealing with all the cold sales calls that come in to my job from various vendors and service companies throughout the day. We don't want whatever you're selling. I deal with ten plus of these calls a day and spending the mental energy to navigate each call, find out exactly what they want, because god knows they can't just come out and say it, and then saying thank you we're not interested is more than I can handle some days, when everything else feels like it's closing in.

There are absolutely a million and one things to be grateful for. And I'm well aware of that and practice living in that mindspace as often as I can. But right now, I feel pissed. And that's something I'm going to move through today, rather than try to escape. I'm sure it's mostly me, not the rest of the world. But it FEELS like the rest of the world. So thppppppppp. Eff it.

The busy-ness of the next few days/weeks overwhelms me also. This weekend is very busy - I'm cat sitting and shooting some videos and I've got a show to perform and another to see. Next weekend - the big move! And it's a holiday weekend. And another show and video shoot. The weekend after that we're going to introduce our cats to each other which is, apparently, a complicated, time-consuming process that requires a great deal of attention from the humans involved. So we'll be at home that whole weekend. Come to think of it, I shouldn't complain about that because I sorta don't mind the house arrest, to be honest. Anyway, somewhere in there I've got to make and attend a vet appointment with my animal. Oh AND research flights for a handful of potential travel weekends, which, on its own, is enough to make my hair turn gray. The noise all these tasks is creating in my mind right now is making me tired. I don't want to deal with anyone. I don't want to go home to my house tonight and deal with my roommate's grouchy demeanor. I don't want to go to my HST meeting and argue with my friends about our latest team issue. I don't want to humor the annoying girl at work who needs a ton of validation and attention. I just want to spend a week by myself. Talking to no one. My cat can come.

I'm not sure writing about it has made it better....Now I'm even more pissed off. ;)

Oh well. At least it's a beautiful day today. :)

Well. I have some nice news. I'm moving in with my boyfriend. Yes, yes, it's happening.

We made the decision a week or two ago. We were talking on the phone about the struggles and challenges of my living arrangement - I live in a tiny basement with a cat and a roommate and my bedroom has no light at all and it's cheap but it's a pretty dreadful apartment and I've lived there for 3.5 years because the price is TO DIE FOR - and we were also talking about how the hour-long commute between our two apartments has really been wearing us out.

We didn't want to make a big life-choice like this just to soothe logistical issues. So even though it's always seemed like a good idea in the past, we've been putting it off at least until his current least is up in October. We just wanted to be certain it was for the right reasons. We're both fiercely independent people who love our own space, time alone, and lives as solitary adults. It's a miracle that we ever fell in love in the first place because we were both ridiculously against it from the beginning. But we did. :)

So during that chat about the commute, etc. he randomly asked me if I wanted to move in. And it suddenly seemed like the right time and like there's no time like the present. This excited energy shot through my body and I instantly thought "Yes!" He said it just dawned on him on how silly it was he was sitting all alone in his huge apartment and I was sitting all alone in my tiny apartment and we were on the phone. We endeavor to spend every night together as it is. So we're gonna do it! And we're gonna do it sooner than later, just to be done with the move. Probably the first or second week of July.

We're both really excited, now that the wheels have been set in motion. My roommate was okay with it, luckily, and my mom, who is historically very cautious about big decisions like this, is really happy for us and gave us her complete blessing. That made me feel really good. We each have a cat who're going to have to get to know each other. Of course our dream is that they fall madly in love, become the best of brothers, and cuddle up on the couch together for years to come. But we'll see. They're both pretty wild and have quirky personalities so it will be interesting to say the least. My cat, who wants nothing more than to run around big open spaces and interact with other animals, will be thrilled. Kevin's cat - well, we'll see.

ANYWAY. So that's that. A major shift in my life. There are moments when I don't even think about it beyond anything other than the logistcal implications. I.e. gotta change my address for my bills, gotta rent a van, gotta read up on cat introductions, it'll be a longer commute to work, I can cook more because his kitchen is really great, we'll need a new this and a new that and where will we put all our shoes?! etc. etc. etc. But there are also moments when I'm like Whoa. This is LIFE. And it's happening. And it's a little scary. It's good. But it's a little scary. I've been a single, independent woman for a long time. And I'm not exactly 21 anymore. So I've grown really comfortable in and happy with my lifestyle right now. Kevin has been a huge, daily and nightly part of that lifestyle for years now (we've been dating for 1.5 years, but we were really close see-eachother-almost-every-day friends for years before that) so it's not as though this adjustment is going to be some huge shock to my system. But it's still a big change.

I've lived in the same apartment with boyfriends before but never like this. Never in the way where we decide it beforehand in some official manner and move all our shit in together, etc. It's always just been circumstantial before (i.e. college dorm situation, or he's staying with me for a few months, etc. etc.) and never a life choice of an adult nature. So this is kind of a first for me. Kev, for better or worse, HAS been down this road before. So it will be interesting for him in a whole different way. (Like, how not to repeat the mistakes of the past...)

The most important things to me are that we are able to create for ourselves a partnership where each of our needs are being met and we're both happy and content but not co-dependent. I don't want to become a practically-married couple to spends every night on their couch watching tv. I'm not ready for that yet. I feel like we have the rest of our lives to spend nights on the couch watching tv. Luckily neither of us are prone to that - we're both too active - busy with things all the time. So we'll see. This is just the chatter in my brain right now. And I haven't been talking about it outloud too much. It's good to write about.

I'm SO excited to cook more. That is going to be a HUGE change in the most positive of directions. Before I moved in with Daniel (current roommate in very small basement apartment) I lived in my own huge wonderful place just a few houses down from Dan. I was still finishing up my degree at that point and the loan amount I got each semester allowed me enough extra cash to pay for the place by myself. It was wonderful. I adopted my cat while I lived in that apartment and he had plenty of room to run around. I also cooked a lot because I had a gigantic kitchen and I always kept my fridge fully stocked with good shit. I kept the place clean and tidy and there was so much closet space - it was just a really lovely time for me. Unfortunately, as soon as I graduated and got a real job, the loans dried up and I couldn't afford the place anymore. I moved in with Daniel for a fraction of what I'd been paying in rent. We agreed it would only be for a few months while we saved some cash, but of course that turned into almost 4 years. Our fridge now is always barren, or filled with spoiling food. We never cook, the hot water in the kitchen sink barely works, the floors have huge holes in them - the place is a mess. It's not conducive to wanting to care for your living environment. It just feels like such an uphill battle to try to make the place feel homey. So any attempt I've ever made seemed to fall falt.

Point being, I'm very excited to have a big kitchen with a nice big fridge and plenty of space and feng shui for cooking and preparing food at home. Prospect Park is also one block away. And it's a huge gorgeous park with so much to do (there's a zoo inside!) and it's like 4 perfect miles to run around it, which is great. There are always so many people running, walking or cycling. It's feels like such a great community. So that's nice too.

So that's that! :) Good and scary and exciting and weird and good. And scary. And a big adjustment. And I'm really going to miss Astoria (which is in Queens, Kevin lives in Brooklyn). But the lease at the Brooklyn place is up in October. So we might eventually move back to Astoria. We'll see!

In other news, food/exercise is going well. I'm eating relatively lightly and got in a good lifting/abs session yesterday. I'm really feeling it today. I hope to run around Prospect Park tonight and cook dinner in and then tomorrow we're going away for an surprise overnight! A gift I'm giving Kev for his bday.

Of course, what goes up must come down. Or, I guess in this case, what goes down must come up. I knew I spoke too soon last week when I boasted about the incredible ease with which I was navigating food reality. I think the natural response from my subconscious to that kind of boasting is almost always, "Oh yeah? Well, navigate THIS, bitch."

I did alright last week during the week re: food. And I eked out a couple workouts. But when the weekend came, most was lost. Not all, but most. Friday night was a party at a friend's apartment. I didn't do too much damage there, but I'd ate plenty of tortilla chips.

Then Saturday was when things got ugly-ish. Kev and I had a few friends over for a last minute BBQ - just people who we knew would be in Brooklyn and lived nearby. But we were very excited about the food. Because - come on - BBQ. So we spent a lot of time prepping burgers and turkey burgers that morning. And we did a veg plate and other yummy stuff and I made this delicious summertime slushy drink called a whiskey sour. We didn't eat anything until the party started and when the first few people got there we all just basically stood around and grazed on a TON of chips and dip. I was so full from drinking my whiskey sour and eating chips every time I walked by the table that by the time the burgers came out (they were amazing, btw - we did good), I was already stuffed. The burger put me over the edge. And then it was there was cake and pudding pie. It wasn't good. I felt SO. FULL. (And drunk.) By the time the day was over I had to take a nap just to power-up so I could go perform in two shows in the evening.

Then on Sunday we went to Kevin's parents house in Nanuet. I didn't eat very well then either. We had a lot of different stuff. Bagels, pizza, pasta, cake - OOF. It was no good. Kevin and I ended the night decompressing from the visit at a cafe around the corner from my apartment where we had fries and spinach pie! What was I thinking! I didn't eat a TON of any of the foods (besides the chips on Saturday) (and the pudding pie) (and the...kidding) but I definitely didn't have healthy stuff and I definitely felt stuffed on more than one occasion. And no exercise anywhere in site.

Monday was no better. I did okay during the day but I didn't get in a workout and I went home to Kevin's after work and had a leftover burger from the BBQ and some popcorn and some whiskey sours and some pudding pie and jesus CHRIST JEN. STOP.

I don't know what got into me. I guess I knew that today, Tuesday, was the beginning of a new week. So there came a point where I just started to let myself enjoy overeating. I haven't done it much at all lately. And the GUILT that can easily overwhelm me when I do is its own kind of sickness. Even though I knew I shouldn't have been eating those fries and that spinach pie on Sunday night it was also like, you know what? You're going to sit here and enjoy this food - you ordered it, you wanted it, and you'll stop when you're full (which I did) - and you're going to PRACTICE not FREAKING OUT and obsessively thinking about it. Just sit here and enjoy your boyfriend and enjoy the hilarious story he's telling you and enjoy the beautiful whether and the cute cafe and the fact that you're young and happy and you have the time and money to have expensive late night snacks and stop worrying about the fact that you haven't eaten well today. Curbing that, for me, is just as much of a victory as is avoiding the bad foods all together. Because I know that I will not let myself go day after day eating poorly. It's just not in my mindset anymore. I would be SO unhappy if I did that. I can't even imagine it. So all that extra worry and obsession over making a mistake at one (or 6) meals is just that - extra worry. For no reason.

I'm right back on today, like I knew I would be. I ran for 30 on my lunch break, had a healthy breakfast, a healthy lunch, a snack of cereal just now, and I'll do something light for din. Maybe subway sandwich?

Just goes to show how dangerous it can be to get cocky about this stuff. I'll never be cured from being a former fat chick, a food WANTER (not just a food lover), and a girl with a huge over-eating urge. I will always have to manage those issues. I didn't manage them very well this past weekend. But whatev. The scale, which I have avoided for the last few days, will not look kindly on these errors, but what can you do. I hope to have a great week this week and to FINALLY get in the 4 cardio sessions I've been daydreaming of for the last little while.

down down down

The scale's going down. I lost another 1.4 this past week. Grand total of 7 pounds since I recommitted. Pretty cool.

I mentioned to Kevin last night that I'm really not thinking about food that much right now. Something shifted for me several weeks back and I started forgetting to eat as often and hadn't been sitting down to update my points except once a day. I also just started reaching for things that were healthier and I needed a lot less food to feel like I was finished eating, etc. etc. Overall, there's just been less focus on food in my life, naturally. I'm just not that into it right now. (I'll take that while I can...) It's just part of the practice makes progress idea for me. You get to a point, when you're trying to make changes to your eating habits, where you've moved to the 'next level' of things, where ever that might be for you. Early on in my weight loss journey, I went from the 'level' of eating smaller portions of the same things I ate when I was fat, to the 'level' of actually desiring more nutritious foods. Both ways of eating allowed me to lose weight, but it was obvious to me (and apparently to my body) that a natural next step was to eat healthier, not just less. But it really did happen naturally, it wasn't something I forced.

And that's happened in different increments throughout, for me. At some point I decided I craved more veggies. Then I stopped eating fast food entirely. Then I quit drinking diet soda. But again, these weren't necessarily things I was consciously deciding to do, they just sort of came about as I listened to my body. And right now is kind of the same. I'm not that hungry, I feel sick when I get full so I avoid being stuffed, I want light foods and things that will satisfy me for several hours. I'd rather have some water than a snack, most times, and I am just generally not craving stuff. So I'm listening to my body and choosing not to play my anxieties out through my eating and rather feed myself what I'm desiring when I desire it.

Of course, the reverse happens sometimes too. I start craving MORE food, salty stuff, followed by sweet. I become constantly hungry, always searching for a snack. I'm sure the seasons have something to do with it. And god knows the heat wave (100+ with the heat index) we've had here in the last week has sworn me off anything but water and a nap. Anyway, it's all very interesting.

I didn't get in the exercise I wanted to last week. My mom and grandmother were visiting for the weekend and I forgot to factor that in when I set my goal of 4 cardio sessions. It just wasn't logistically feasible. But I did do 2 cardio sessions and 2 lifting/pilates sessions. It was nice.

I'm going to go today and lift on my lunch break. The cardio will have to come later in the week. There's just no TIME! I'm busy with so much these days, I can't even begin to tell you. Plus today is Kevin's birthday! (Aww..) So the long workout will have to wait.

Feelin good. Have this weird nausea going on for a few days now (also contributing to my lack of food desire) so I'm hoping that will leave me soon, but otherwise, feelin good. ;)

Today

Yesterday was a good day back on the wagon. I'd exercised the night before, Monday night (long cardio session outside) and that was a good jump start as well. I didn't get to workout yesterday, but I ate reasonably well and avoided too much sugary craptown food. Hoping today will bring the same.

I hopped on the scale this morning, one day after my usual weigh-in day, and was surprised and grateful to find it down another pound! Woot! That means I've lost almost 6 pounds in 5 months. An hilariously small amount compared to the 50 pounds I once lost in 5 months. But I don't have anywhere near 50 pounds to lose now. So I suppose I'll take the 6 pounds and shut up about it.

My goals this week, which remain the same as yesterday, (4 cardio, 3 strength, and eating within points) are a big focus for me right now. I know I'm capable of achieiving them. And every day, lately, I'm reminded of how amazing it is that I've been able to maintain a 100 pound weight loss for 5+ years. I look good, my clothes fit, and the most I ever have to bitch about is not feeling as toned as I'd like to feel. Luckily, I enjoy exercise for the most part.

I plan to go tonight to the gym after work and get in a really good lifting session. Returning to lifting this week might mean a.) my cardio output suffers slightly and b.) the scale might be up next weigh-in, since weight training seems to have that impact on me. But I'm willing to risk it. I feel so much better when I'm lifting.

Planning to have something light for lunch today. Maybe a salad or some sushi. And the same for dinner. Feeling stuffed and bloated are not in the cards for me this week.

Catch up

I only have a moment to post but I wanted to come be accountable, especially after my week long vacation.

The trip to Charleston, although not exactly a vacation because we were working for most of the time, was a lovely trip. And I did relatively well on the food-front. I promised myself I could have one fast food meal while we were there, and I finally had it on the last day of the trip. Wendy's. But I got the grilled chicken which was burnt and gross, so I mostly just ate fries. Besides that and a couple over-munching episodes involving guacamole, chips, cheese and bread, I did pretty well, I think. I made an effort to eat healthy breakfasts and I avoided more than one big meal in a day, when possible. I definitely ate more points than I wanted to, but I think I controlled the damage successfully. I drank next to nothing booze-wise the entire trip and I had plenty of water. PLUS! I exercised three times. :)

We stayed in the most beautiful house with tons of sunlight and a gorgeous kitchen. It made it very easy to wake up early before everyone else, get in some exercise, and then make myself a healthy breakfast every morning. That made a world of difference.

I haven't been on the scale in a couple days, but I think it's probably up. I'm okay with that. This next week of WW-ing will be a resetting period for me, a post-vacation detox. The week prior to the vacation (which wrapped up during the first few days of the trip) was a great week in terms of healthy living; I ate the least I've eaten in weeks that week. I didn't exercise much but I'm very proud of the food progress I made. My appetite is definitely smaller.

My goals for this upcoming week, which begins anew today are as follows:

4 cardio sessions
3 strength training (at least 2 lifting, but 1 can be pilates)
eat no more than 45 flex points total

I think it's doable. I'm focusing on eating more fruits and veg. Not terribly hard in the summer. I also want to focus on LESS SUGAR. I can eat sweets and crappy sweet shit like a champion. So I'm going to try to curb that this week.

I haven't lifted regularly in about a month I think. Not sure how it got away from me so quickly, but I've got to get back to it. I feel infinitely better about my body when I'm lifting. It's night and day.

I'll check in soon with progress.