Was the first day of my vacation. I woke up this morning in the 7 o'clock hour and smiled, thinking of all the people at the job I left last week, working working away already. I was thrilled to be in bed instead.
I got up and did laundry today. And had brunch with Kev. Then I grocery shopped, cleaned up my apartment and did the dishes and dressed the bed and vacuumed, and Daniel can home from San Fran and I chatted with him. I have some more things I want to accomplish tomorrow. And some things I want to think about.
Have you ever seen the pick up artist on VH1?
Watch it.
Monday, September 24, 2007
Friday, September 21, 2007
Oh definitely.
The job is over.
I'm a very happy quitter.
A huge weight has already been lifted.
I got home from work around 2 today. And now I'm about to walk out the door of my apartment to go to my old acting school to teach some students about sketch comedy. Funny, that.
>sighs, grins, sleeps<
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
one more to summer
I cannot get out of here soon enough. I mean, I seriously cannot get out of here soon enough.
You know how sometimes you'll move through life tolerating something? Like, something you think you have to stand because you simply have to and it's not gonna end any time soon so rather than let yourself feel how you really feel about whatever it is, you just steel yourself to the fact that you have to learn to tolerate it because that's ultimately easier and healthier (or so you've decided) for your psyche than walking around bemoaning your never-ending troubles all day long. People do it all the time - with relationships they should have gotten out of years ago but didn't, with friendships they know deep down are no longer functional, with their lifestyle choices, like drugs or weight issues or health issues, and naturally, with jobs they know they should escape - people tolerate less than. People create normalcy around something that doesn't deserved to be normalized in their lives. People let themselves be okay with stuff that isn't okay. Because it's what people do.
But then...you know how sometimes you'll suddenly realize you've been tolerating something that you just don't have to fucking tolerate anymore? Something will click inside you or something will happen to shift life's circumstances around. And suddenly the whole world opens up like a giant oyster and reminds you that you don't have to do, be, live, think, eat, or feel a goddammed thing you don't want to do, be, live, think, eat, or feel.
And when that click or shift finally happens, along comes with it the realization that whatever thing you've been tolerating, whatever thing you've been subgigating yourself for, is actually a lot less worth tolerating than you thought. And your true feelings come rushing forward like a giant wave of salty ocean water. And you remember who you are without this albatross around your neck. And you wonder why the fuck you ever thought it'd be a good idea to stick it out in the first place.
I guess sometimes you have to stick shit out.
And sometimes you're done sticking it out and you have to get outta your own way and let that giant salty ocean water wave knock you down and soak your clothes and tangle your hair and fill your mouth and burn the inside of your nose, so that when the wave receeds back into the sea, you're left standing there, small, insignificant, blinking the sun out of your eyes, grinning, really glad to that you caught the bus to the beach.
You know how sometimes you'll move through life tolerating something? Like, something you think you have to stand because you simply have to and it's not gonna end any time soon so rather than let yourself feel how you really feel about whatever it is, you just steel yourself to the fact that you have to learn to tolerate it because that's ultimately easier and healthier (or so you've decided) for your psyche than walking around bemoaning your never-ending troubles all day long. People do it all the time - with relationships they should have gotten out of years ago but didn't, with friendships they know deep down are no longer functional, with their lifestyle choices, like drugs or weight issues or health issues, and naturally, with jobs they know they should escape - people tolerate less than. People create normalcy around something that doesn't deserved to be normalized in their lives. People let themselves be okay with stuff that isn't okay. Because it's what people do.
But then...you know how sometimes you'll suddenly realize you've been tolerating something that you just don't have to fucking tolerate anymore? Something will click inside you or something will happen to shift life's circumstances around. And suddenly the whole world opens up like a giant oyster and reminds you that you don't have to do, be, live, think, eat, or feel a goddammed thing you don't want to do, be, live, think, eat, or feel.
And when that click or shift finally happens, along comes with it the realization that whatever thing you've been tolerating, whatever thing you've been subgigating yourself for, is actually a lot less worth tolerating than you thought. And your true feelings come rushing forward like a giant wave of salty ocean water. And you remember who you are without this albatross around your neck. And you wonder why the fuck you ever thought it'd be a good idea to stick it out in the first place.
I guess sometimes you have to stick shit out.
And sometimes you're done sticking it out and you have to get outta your own way and let that giant salty ocean water wave knock you down and soak your clothes and tangle your hair and fill your mouth and burn the inside of your nose, so that when the wave receeds back into the sea, you're left standing there, small, insignificant, blinking the sun out of your eyes, grinning, really glad to that you caught the bus to the beach.
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Darling, it's been too long.
Well. I'm sleepy. So there's that. I should probably start by telling you that.
But I'll tell you the best news. I quit my awful job.
Yesssssssssssssssssssssssssss I did.
I gave my notice on Tuesday. They asked me to "give it another week" before I made a final decision. I said I would, but I mostly knew that my decision wouldn't be changing. I'll tell them on Monday that Friday is still my last day. (I would've told them earlier, but they've all been out since Wednesday afternoon for the Jewish holiday.)
The events leading up to my quitting will remain some of the most memorable in my professional life's history. Basically:
The crazy woman flipped OUT at me, completely unprovoked, when she couldn't successfully connect our boss, who was in Boston at the time, to a conference call. While she was throwing her temper tantrum (she threw shit, far and hard, across the room), stomping around, slamming doors, I figured out the conference call so that nobody got their butts ripped off by the boss man. This infuriated her. She told me I always pretend like I don't know how to do something and then wait til the last minute to save the day so that I can come out looking like the hero. Among other hilariousawful shit. So, based on her fury over this scenario, she then proceeded to enact what I like to call the Get Someone Fired Show for the next 3 days. I'm not kidding. I'm not exaggerating. You wish I was. I wish I was. I'm not.
The Get Someone Fired Show is a show I've witnessed several times before, but I've never been the 'someone.' Boy oh boy was I the someone this time. I won't regale you with all the unpleasant details – it was uuugly. But I will tell you my favorite favorite part:
After she spent two solid days performing the Show, slamming the doors to various conference rooms to make phone calls to or have meetings with various coworkers to tell them how awful I am (and I know because I CAN HEAR YOU EVEN IF THE DOOR IS CLOSED EVEN IF I'M NOT TRYING), whispering to anyone and everyone while gesturing in my direction, she finally got our boss on the phone, who was still in Boston, to tell him to fire me. Now, our boss likes me. And I should probably add that I'm a stellar employee at this place. I am here exactly on time every day, I work hard, I am always polite and pleasant and helpful. So she couldn't convince him that I had done anything wrong, let alone anything job-termination-worthy (probably because he's not a complete idiot). And it was frustrating her more and more by the second, enraging her really. She was yelling and screaming shit about how I "never do any work" (which I hear her yell while I'm sitting at my desk covered in work) and a whole ridiculous host of other accusations that couldn't be further based in the opposite-of-reality. But then the kicker, the real kicker. This sixty something mentally unwell mean horrible lady actually said to the multi-million dollar, no-nonsense President who doesn't give a fuck about anything but making money for his huge construction company, "…and if you think this is about me being jealous of her because she's young, it's NOT! I could get fifty fucking men faster than she could!"
As if the Universe weren't already marvelous enough, it sent me a great signal later that week in the form of a phone call from an old job that I loved and only left because I'd been there a year and I needed more money. They need me to come back indefinitely until I want to move on to some place else. And they will pay me the same thing I'm making now. And I don't have to be at work until 10am every day.
Sold.
But I'll tell you the best news. I quit my awful job.
Yesssssssssssssssssssssssssss I did.
I gave my notice on Tuesday. They asked me to "give it another week" before I made a final decision. I said I would, but I mostly knew that my decision wouldn't be changing. I'll tell them on Monday that Friday is still my last day. (I would've told them earlier, but they've all been out since Wednesday afternoon for the Jewish holiday.)
The events leading up to my quitting will remain some of the most memorable in my professional life's history. Basically:
The crazy woman flipped OUT at me, completely unprovoked, when she couldn't successfully connect our boss, who was in Boston at the time, to a conference call. While she was throwing her temper tantrum (she threw shit, far and hard, across the room), stomping around, slamming doors, I figured out the conference call so that nobody got their butts ripped off by the boss man. This infuriated her. She told me I always pretend like I don't know how to do something and then wait til the last minute to save the day so that I can come out looking like the hero. Among other hilariousawful shit. So, based on her fury over this scenario, she then proceeded to enact what I like to call the Get Someone Fired Show for the next 3 days. I'm not kidding. I'm not exaggerating. You wish I was. I wish I was. I'm not.
The Get Someone Fired Show is a show I've witnessed several times before, but I've never been the 'someone.' Boy oh boy was I the someone this time. I won't regale you with all the unpleasant details – it was uuugly. But I will tell you my favorite favorite part:
After she spent two solid days performing the Show, slamming the doors to various conference rooms to make phone calls to or have meetings with various coworkers to tell them how awful I am (and I know because I CAN HEAR YOU EVEN IF THE DOOR IS CLOSED EVEN IF I'M NOT TRYING), whispering to anyone and everyone while gesturing in my direction, she finally got our boss on the phone, who was still in Boston, to tell him to fire me. Now, our boss likes me. And I should probably add that I'm a stellar employee at this place. I am here exactly on time every day, I work hard, I am always polite and pleasant and helpful. So she couldn't convince him that I had done anything wrong, let alone anything job-termination-worthy (probably because he's not a complete idiot). And it was frustrating her more and more by the second, enraging her really. She was yelling and screaming shit about how I "never do any work" (which I hear her yell while I'm sitting at my desk covered in work) and a whole ridiculous host of other accusations that couldn't be further based in the opposite-of-reality. But then the kicker, the real kicker. This sixty something mentally unwell mean horrible lady actually said to the multi-million dollar, no-nonsense President who doesn't give a fuck about anything but making money for his huge construction company, "…and if you think this is about me being jealous of her because she's young, it's NOT! I could get fifty fucking men faster than she could!"
As if the Universe weren't already marvelous enough, it sent me a great signal later that week in the form of a phone call from an old job that I loved and only left because I'd been there a year and I needed more money. They need me to come back indefinitely until I want to move on to some place else. And they will pay me the same thing I'm making now. And I don't have to be at work until 10am every day.
Sold.
Friday, August 31, 2007
Rrrrrrromance. (That's 'romance' in Spanish.)
After our zipcar trip up the Hudson last night, Daniel, Randy, Kevin and I stopped for ice cream cones. I was eating mine in a hurry, but I had at least five solid bites of the delicious cone left (and if I'm being honest with myself, those five bites are my favorite ice cream cone bites) when I dropped it on the pavement. Yes. That.
And without even missing a beat, my very sweet and generous boyfriend stuck out his arm and handed me the very last bite of his own delicious cone.
This, ladies, is what you're looking for in a man, whether you realize it or not.
And without even missing a beat, my very sweet and generous boyfriend stuck out his arm and handed me the very last bite of his own delicious cone.
This, ladies, is what you're looking for in a man, whether you realize it or not.
Thursday, August 30, 2007
i might get fired someday over these posts who cares
I had two glasses of wine last night after the Baldwins show; I haven’t really been drinking much in recent weeks. The first year or two that I was hangin around improv folk, I was out at the bar a lot more often than I am now, and I’d probably have a few drinks every time, but oof, you can only do that for so long. So now I only really go on Wednesdays and Saturdays, after improv and HST shows, with a few exceptions. And I’ll only have a drink or two, if any, (except for LIT night, right Clayton!? >pukes<) and last night was the same. Two glasses of Chardonnay, and I only had the second glass because Steve the manager bought it for me. THE POINT IS, I have a wee headache this morning from just the two glasses! Silly.
Psycho’s on the war path this morning. She’s been huffing and puffing and exasperatedly sighing all morning long, slamming doors and banging things around, snapping at people and whispering to whomever she can pull aside. And then she stopped dead in her tracks, looked up in a huff and said in a whine, “Do you pray for me?”
Oh gawd.
She meant it too, as a genuine query. She wasn’t just being rhetorical or facetious. Soon she’ll start laughing manically and acting like we’re all soulmates. She’s like a huge child that you have to ignore because there’s no other way for her to understand that her behavior is intolerable.
She’s out tomorrow. This is a blessing beyond blessing.
I feel like I’ve gotten through the thickness of this week and am just gonna sit pretty for the next few now. In case you want to read my preplans about it (tickticktick): Tonight, Dan, Randy, Kev and I will have an evening adventure upstate somewhere. We’re grabbing a zip car and we’ll just drive up the Hudson, chill out, and drive home when we’re sick of it. I’m looking forward to it because I never get to hang out with this iteration of friends and I happen to enjoy them each quite a lot, so all at once is thrice the fun. Then tomorrow, she’s out, which is bliss for me, and then I have a few things to do in the evening. And then Saturday morning I’m off to Chicago. I’m really looking forward to being at home – hoping the weather will be slightly cool, for a taste of fall – sitting on my mom’s couch, having a snack, seeing my family, laffing, catting with the cats, generally being my old Midwestern self.
p.s. Baldwins had a good show last night, I really enjoyed it. We’re finally finding our groove and it feels purdy good.
Psycho’s on the war path this morning. She’s been huffing and puffing and exasperatedly sighing all morning long, slamming doors and banging things around, snapping at people and whispering to whomever she can pull aside. And then she stopped dead in her tracks, looked up in a huff and said in a whine, “Do you pray for me?”
Oh gawd.
She meant it too, as a genuine query. She wasn’t just being rhetorical or facetious. Soon she’ll start laughing manically and acting like we’re all soulmates. She’s like a huge child that you have to ignore because there’s no other way for her to understand that her behavior is intolerable.
She’s out tomorrow. This is a blessing beyond blessing.
I feel like I’ve gotten through the thickness of this week and am just gonna sit pretty for the next few now. In case you want to read my preplans about it (tickticktick): Tonight, Dan, Randy, Kev and I will have an evening adventure upstate somewhere. We’re grabbing a zip car and we’ll just drive up the Hudson, chill out, and drive home when we’re sick of it. I’m looking forward to it because I never get to hang out with this iteration of friends and I happen to enjoy them each quite a lot, so all at once is thrice the fun. Then tomorrow, she’s out, which is bliss for me, and then I have a few things to do in the evening. And then Saturday morning I’m off to Chicago. I’m really looking forward to being at home – hoping the weather will be slightly cool, for a taste of fall – sitting on my mom’s couch, having a snack, seeing my family, laffing, catting with the cats, generally being my old Midwestern self.
p.s. Baldwins had a good show last night, I really enjoyed it. We’re finally finding our groove and it feels purdy good.
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
fruit and mattress
- fruit tastes good
- my mattress feels good
- thanks for foolishly giving me your mattress, Daniel
- i like smooching
- tongue sandwiches smell like pastrami but it still makes me barf to know i'm smelling tongue (a woman in my office eats tongue at least twice a week)
- going to Chicago on Saturday
- excited about it
- my hair feels really nice lately
- i have twiddled my hair (or my mother's hair) since i was an infant, no joke
- maturation feels good
- i'll be 27 soon, that's pretty adult sounding
- Daniel and Randy and Kevin and i are taking a zip car somewhere tomorrow night
- for fun, that's why
- people in the construction industry yell a lot
- we, as a nation, ARE. SO. WASTEFUL.
- i hate throwing away paper
- i'm definitely a child of the mid-eighties recycle everything movement
- cats
- my mattress feels good
- thanks for foolishly giving me your mattress, Daniel
- i like smooching
- tongue sandwiches smell like pastrami but it still makes me barf to know i'm smelling tongue (a woman in my office eats tongue at least twice a week)
- going to Chicago on Saturday
- excited about it
- my hair feels really nice lately
- i have twiddled my hair (or my mother's hair) since i was an infant, no joke
- maturation feels good
- i'll be 27 soon, that's pretty adult sounding
- Daniel and Randy and Kevin and i are taking a zip car somewhere tomorrow night
- for fun, that's why
- people in the construction industry yell a lot
- we, as a nation, ARE. SO. WASTEFUL.
- i hate throwing away paper
- i'm definitely a child of the mid-eighties recycle everything movement
- cats
Thursday, August 23, 2007
I just ate, how am I hungry?
I sort of love this morning. I got very little sleep last night – getting home from improv/bar stuff at 130 or so, and not getting into bed until 2 – but for some reason the lack of sleep isn’t that painful.
I mean, check in with me around 6pm when I have to go to HST practice and Baldwins practice from 630 to 1115, collectively. Oof, that might be a challenge.
But it’s so cool and fall-like here in the city for the last few days - what could possibly be wrong with life? I have always adored the fall, in that sentimental, nostalgic, football game sense. There’s a bittersweetness to it that makes everything sad feel sadder and everything happy feel like perfect sweet apple pie life. Plus kisses.
The crazy lady at my job might have quit. More on that later. But she’s not here this morning, at least, and it feels like a taste of freedom I haven’t known since she started here 6 weeks ago. Now give me a raise, dammit.
And to make matters more interesting, I’m going downtown on my lunch break to see about another job. It’s a year long freelance job I already landed at the beginning of the summer, but the start date kept getting pushed back. When I got this new gig, I never told the freelance job I would be unavailable when their start date finally rolled around, just in case it didn’t work out here. Well, things are finally “moving forward” with the freelance job and they want me to come back and meet with them to discuss. So I’m going. It seems the responsible thing to do. Keep the connection open, as Kevin would say. I’ll see what their deal is, what the hours will be like. I can’t imagine I’ll decide to switch jobs, but I want the option available to me if I need it. The place I’m working at now is notorious for a high turnover. People stay here months, not years, and walk out for good one afternoon without looking back. If/when I leave this place I hope to be more graceful about it than that but the harsh reality is that this place pushes grown men with families, families who’re depending on their six figure salaries, to abandon their desks mid-afternoon in tears. So perhaps if the other option looks more appealing, I’ll consider the switch.
I could have just as easily summed that all up by simply saying, “I might change jobs, I might not. I have to go see a guy about it today.”
I mean, check in with me around 6pm when I have to go to HST practice and Baldwins practice from 630 to 1115, collectively. Oof, that might be a challenge.
But it’s so cool and fall-like here in the city for the last few days - what could possibly be wrong with life? I have always adored the fall, in that sentimental, nostalgic, football game sense. There’s a bittersweetness to it that makes everything sad feel sadder and everything happy feel like perfect sweet apple pie life. Plus kisses.
The crazy lady at my job might have quit. More on that later. But she’s not here this morning, at least, and it feels like a taste of freedom I haven’t known since she started here 6 weeks ago. Now give me a raise, dammit.
And to make matters more interesting, I’m going downtown on my lunch break to see about another job. It’s a year long freelance job I already landed at the beginning of the summer, but the start date kept getting pushed back. When I got this new gig, I never told the freelance job I would be unavailable when their start date finally rolled around, just in case it didn’t work out here. Well, things are finally “moving forward” with the freelance job and they want me to come back and meet with them to discuss. So I’m going. It seems the responsible thing to do. Keep the connection open, as Kevin would say. I’ll see what their deal is, what the hours will be like. I can’t imagine I’ll decide to switch jobs, but I want the option available to me if I need it. The place I’m working at now is notorious for a high turnover. People stay here months, not years, and walk out for good one afternoon without looking back. If/when I leave this place I hope to be more graceful about it than that but the harsh reality is that this place pushes grown men with families, families who’re depending on their six figure salaries, to abandon their desks mid-afternoon in tears. So perhaps if the other option looks more appealing, I’ll consider the switch.
I could have just as easily summed that all up by simply saying, “I might change jobs, I might not. I have to go see a guy about it today.”
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
It feels like fall out there!
I’ve already written several updates that never got posted. I have a habit of doing that.
The vacation was, all things considered, quite lovely, and there was a 14 month old baby along for the ride which is, although I’m sure many will disagree with me, a great way to vacation. I enjoy a nice baby every now and again.
I’m working working working. It’s gotten easier for a host of reasons: 1. I don’t care anymore. 2. The desks got moved around and it’s made my life a lot easier. A LOT easier. 3. 8am isn’t as early as it was at first. I’ve been at this for 7.5 weeks (I added that up just now, I haven’t been keeping track, or keeping a daily count, or carving a chunk of flesh out of my thigh each day – I haven’t!) and 8am doesn’t feel like death any more. I’m sure there are people in the world who have to get up at 4am to be at work by 6am, and for that I’m very sorry, but I’m notoriously anti-early-morning and an 8am start-time was painful at first, even if that sounds lame. But then I got real and came to terms with the fact that it’s just not that early. Apparently that’s called ‘adapting.’
I’ve also done a major clean of my bedroom and Daniel and I worked on some of the common spaces. Major accomplishments were made. And it has done wonders for my psyche. We’ve thrown out probably ten big garbage bags filled with crap. And beyond one pang of regret a day later over throwing out an expensive leather bag I kinda still liked, my show-no-mercy declutterization hasn’t had any negative repercussions. The streamlining of my crap has been a welcome change. And I’m doing more each day and trying to keep up with the tidying up each day. Tonight’s tackle: CLOTHES. Oof.
I’m also enjoying the cool weather. And mah cat. And mah man. And I’m going home for Grandma’s 75th b-day extravaganza which is over Labor Day. Stoked about that. Family is nice.
Dings for everyone.
The vacation was, all things considered, quite lovely, and there was a 14 month old baby along for the ride which is, although I’m sure many will disagree with me, a great way to vacation. I enjoy a nice baby every now and again.
I’m working working working. It’s gotten easier for a host of reasons: 1. I don’t care anymore. 2. The desks got moved around and it’s made my life a lot easier. A LOT easier. 3. 8am isn’t as early as it was at first. I’ve been at this for 7.5 weeks (I added that up just now, I haven’t been keeping track, or keeping a daily count, or carving a chunk of flesh out of my thigh each day – I haven’t!) and 8am doesn’t feel like death any more. I’m sure there are people in the world who have to get up at 4am to be at work by 6am, and for that I’m very sorry, but I’m notoriously anti-early-morning and an 8am start-time was painful at first, even if that sounds lame. But then I got real and came to terms with the fact that it’s just not that early. Apparently that’s called ‘adapting.’
I’ve also done a major clean of my bedroom and Daniel and I worked on some of the common spaces. Major accomplishments were made. And it has done wonders for my psyche. We’ve thrown out probably ten big garbage bags filled with crap. And beyond one pang of regret a day later over throwing out an expensive leather bag I kinda still liked, my show-no-mercy declutterization hasn’t had any negative repercussions. The streamlining of my crap has been a welcome change. And I’m doing more each day and trying to keep up with the tidying up each day. Tonight’s tackle: CLOTHES. Oof.
I’m also enjoying the cool weather. And mah cat. And mah man. And I’m going home for Grandma’s 75th b-day extravaganza which is over Labor Day. Stoked about that. Family is nice.
Dings for everyone.
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
vacate.
I'm on vacation. In the Berkshires. It is wonderful. I was here over the weekend, had to go back to work in the city on Monday and Tuesday, and returned tonight after work; Kev picked me up from a train station and now here I am at the hotel.
I'm very pleased. Perhaps even thrilled. And happy to be thinking of nothing but relaxing for the next five days.
Bye.
I'm very pleased. Perhaps even thrilled. And happy to be thinking of nothing but relaxing for the next five days.
Bye.
Friday, August 10, 2007
YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.
That concert was AWESOME.
That was the perfect way to spend a Thursday night. I had a FUCKING BLAST.
Pretend there's a photo here.
That was the perfect way to spend a Thursday night. I had a FUCKING BLAST.
Pretend there's a photo here.
Thursday, August 09, 2007
Thanks Jess...
...for your comment. It actually made me feel a lot better. (And btw, I think you commented a while back and I never responded. Thanks for that one too.)
It’s funny because as I was writing that post last night, I was actually thinking of you. (You, whom I barely know.) Because I remember you writing things like that before – that you need two weeks away from everything. We are same.
I’m feeling better today, internet. Writing that last night probably helped a lot. And my coworker was in her usual miserable form today but somehow it slid more easily off my back.
Speaking of, I’d like to refer everyone to the comment left by “irritated” on yesterday’s post. I think that might be my first ever experience of a drive-by-inappropriate-blog-comment! which I know all you seasoned bloggers are old pros at receiving. (Btw, if you ever want to read some doozies of nasty comments go to Dooce's blog. That poor woman gets more nasty hatemail…But she wonderfully weaves the best hatemails into hilarious posts on her blog every month or two. I love her.) Luckily, I’m relatively easy going about meanies, so it wasn’t terribly upsetting, but if you have a second, take a glance at it. I’m pretty proud of it – as it’s my first ever.
Oh and I should add, I might take some stock in what “irritated” had to say if I hadn’t written a post just inches down the screen with the title “Happy As Clam.” Somehow I feel like that and other positive entries preclude me from having to justify job stress. Waaaait a minuuuuute…do you have me second guessing myself, irritated? Certainly, no. Back to regularly scheduled self-assurance.
p.s. Beastie Boys concert in Bklyn tonight! Whuuut!
It’s funny because as I was writing that post last night, I was actually thinking of you. (You, whom I barely know.) Because I remember you writing things like that before – that you need two weeks away from everything. We are same.
I’m feeling better today, internet. Writing that last night probably helped a lot. And my coworker was in her usual miserable form today but somehow it slid more easily off my back.
Speaking of, I’d like to refer everyone to the comment left by “irritated” on yesterday’s post. I think that might be my first ever experience of a drive-by-inappropriate-blog-comment! which I know all you seasoned bloggers are old pros at receiving. (Btw, if you ever want to read some doozies of nasty comments go to Dooce's blog. That poor woman gets more nasty hatemail…But she wonderfully weaves the best hatemails into hilarious posts on her blog every month or two. I love her.) Luckily, I’m relatively easy going about meanies, so it wasn’t terribly upsetting, but if you have a second, take a glance at it. I’m pretty proud of it – as it’s my first ever.
Oh and I should add, I might take some stock in what “irritated” had to say if I hadn’t written a post just inches down the screen with the title “Happy As Clam.” Somehow I feel like that and other positive entries preclude me from having to justify job stress. Waaaait a minuuuuute…do you have me second guessing myself, irritated? Certainly, no. Back to regularly scheduled self-assurance.
p.s. Beastie Boys concert in Bklyn tonight! Whuuut!
>sighs<
I'm depressed. Simple. I feel crappy. I'm feeling misunderstood and alone in my struggles. I'm sick of it being so fucking muggy and hot all the time. There was a tornado in Brooklyn this morning and I couldn't get into work all day today. I'm sick of getting up early. I'm sick of being sick of getting up early. I'm sick of bitching about my job on here - with Kevin - to my friends - to my coworkers - in my improv. I want to turn the whole world off for 21 days. I want time to stop. I want to go home to Illinois and eat cheese and crackers in my grandparents kitchen while time stops and nothing matters. I'm sick and tired of the crazy woman at my job exhausting the fuck out of me with her insanity - she's the nightmarish great aunt or obnoxious oldladynextdoor that everyone hates. I'm pissed off that I don't know what next, that I have to work daily to rewrap my mind around why I'm doing this, what it gets me, and what reality would be like if I weren't doing it. I'm furious that leaving this job would cause a lot more problems than it would solve. I'm furious that being at this job is causing at a lot more problems than I expected it to. I'm pissed off, I'm tired, I'm hungry all the damn time for no realistic reason, I'm CONSTANTLY HAVING TO DEAL WITH THESE ENORMOUSLY DIFFICULT PERSONALITIES AT MY JOB AND I'M THE LAST PERSON ON THE PLANET WHO WOULD WIN A "CAPABLE OF TOLERATING INSANE BEHAVIOR AWARD." I'm fucking pissed fucking off. Okay? And that's the goddammed long and short of it. I wish everyone would shut up and get outta my face.
And as livinginthemoment, which is how I'm trying to live, would have it, I apparently have three choices: remove myself from the situation, change the situation, accept the situation.
I'll think on that. Meanwhile, fuck this.
And as livinginthemoment, which is how I'm trying to live, would have it, I apparently have three choices: remove myself from the situation, change the situation, accept the situation.
I'll think on that. Meanwhile, fuck this.
Saturday, August 04, 2007
Has it really come to this?
I'll try to write more later today. But has it really come to a weekly blog update? Yeeps. That's terrible.
I'm workin like crazy and it makes me tired and I have a little self pity over it this weekend. I had to bail on plans with friends of Kevin's today because I am desperate to get some laundry done and spend a little time at my apartment. I feel awful about it because nobody likes a plan-bailer, but I had to make this decision.
Luckily, I got to catch up with Keith and Phil last night at the bar, which was great. I rarely get to sit down with those guys anymore, so it was really nice to get to chat and laugh with them.
I have been grouchier, more irritable, and less patient lately. And it's taking its toll. Kevin's being awesome about it, but I still wish the circumstances could be different.
This weekend, like the others, will probably go by too quickly, especially with an HST video shoot tomorrow at 9am. I'm livin day by day right now with a paycheck-as-carrot being constantly dangled in front of me.
I'm workin like crazy and it makes me tired and I have a little self pity over it this weekend. I had to bail on plans with friends of Kevin's today because I am desperate to get some laundry done and spend a little time at my apartment. I feel awful about it because nobody likes a plan-bailer, but I had to make this decision.
Luckily, I got to catch up with Keith and Phil last night at the bar, which was great. I rarely get to sit down with those guys anymore, so it was really nice to get to chat and laugh with them.
I have been grouchier, more irritable, and less patient lately. And it's taking its toll. Kevin's being awesome about it, but I still wish the circumstances could be different.
This weekend, like the others, will probably go by too quickly, especially with an HST video shoot tomorrow at 9am. I'm livin day by day right now with a paycheck-as-carrot being constantly dangled in front of me.
Saturday, July 28, 2007
Happy As Clam - July Edition
I'm sitting in my bedroom in shorts and a tankini top; I'm about to go outside and read Harry Potter in the sun, only after I eat the brown rice sushi I bought at Go Wasabi on Ditmars. My hair is currently air-drying because I was instructed to show up at my 5pm hair appointment with my hair down, not pulled back, with minimal product in it, so that they can see what they're "working with," she said. Have I mentioned that this salon specializes in curly hair? And that I've wanted to go here for probably four years? And that I need a haircut badly right now and I have a good feeling about this one? Oh and I just got back from my massage appointment. Holy. Fuck. That was pretty much actual heaven. I feel so good right now. She did 45 minutes of reflexology which is apparently just some sort of magical manipulation of every single muscle in my feet - that was unreal. Then she did 30 minutes of incredible back work. I died, came back to life, died again, and solved world hunger - I was so zen. Oh and I went to sleep at 11pm last night and slept for 12 hours in my freshly laundered bed with my kitten by my side. Oh and I bought new earrings on sale at the spa which are adorable. Oh and this morning I organized a shitload of money stuff and paid some bills that desperately needed paying. Oh before going to sleep last night I did laundry and folded all. my. clothes.
This is the best day.
This is the best day.
Friday, July 27, 2007
I'm finally using the massage gift certificate Todd gave me in OCTOBER tomorrow. And I'm getting my hair cut some place fancy. And tonight I'm doing laundry and doing nothing and relaaaaaxing bigtime. The ol' bf is out of town for the night and as much as I'd love to go get my groove on in town, I'll probably be asleep by 10:30. It's pathetic and delicious.
Booked my tix home for Christmas today. My cousin Trisha is getting married on December 29 so I'll be in the midwest for a whole week this holiday. Interesting. My cousins, Mallory, Trisha, Kalan, and Leia are my mom's brother's four girls. My mom and her brother have grown extremely close in their adulthood and we five girls were very close growing up too. I love them like sisters and they treat me like one. As the wedding gets closer I get more excited about seeing Trisha get married.
Booked my tix home for Christmas today. My cousin Trisha is getting married on December 29 so I'll be in the midwest for a whole week this holiday. Interesting. My cousins, Mallory, Trisha, Kalan, and Leia are my mom's brother's four girls. My mom and her brother have grown extremely close in their adulthood and we five girls were very close growing up too. I love them like sisters and they treat me like one. As the wedding gets closer I get more excited about seeing Trisha get married.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
I just googled myself.
It felt weird.
I'm wondering how much I can talk about work on here and not get someday fired for it. I'm paranoid about being fired. Being fired sucks. It feels shitty.
Yo, so, I've come home from a day of this life and, look, it is a LOT. I always say one day at this place feels like two days. And today at the end of the day I was physically exhausted. No joke. I could feel it. Yikes.
I had a fight with my manager today. A fight. We were mad at each other. And she was mean to me. There were tears. It was...I'm exhausted. I'm just exhausted.
I feel so solitary in this experience. I feel like no one can relate to my unique point of view right now. And I am juggling a lot - not just schedule, obligation, or commitment wise, but psychologically. It's a lot. This woman I fought with today, my relationship with her has been a draining factor at times. But it's also this environment, the hours are just long here. People work hard. And I'm learning a lot about myself. And I'm working out on my goddammed lunch breaks.
And it's ripping me up that this is all I want to talk about for the first ten minutes of seeing anyone I know and love. Poor Kevin. He said he owes me for the years he talked to me about his job. He did, however, point out that he didn't leave me 2 minute long voicemails about his job. Which I did leave him. Today. So.
WHAT ELSE! Life! Comedyyyyy, my loving frieeeends, my pretty caaaat. Things else are okay. I don't have time for them not to be. I'm going to see SidViscious! tonight, which is always so fun and I'm glad to be going out and seeing some humans.
Priorities have become, in no particular order, sleep, exercise, comedy, loved ones, job, cat. That's all I really know right now. Oh and I'm rereading Potter 6 in prepartion for 7 which sits on my dresser. It's still summer, dammit. And I can't wait for the weekend.
p.s. I miss my life on the internet. I miss you, Internet Life. But we probably needed this break.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
"We're doing the best we can!"
laying on couch. watching kathy griffin show. eating donut. drinking iced coffee. needed this so bad.
what a dumb day.
except for one really cool part.
and a good workout.
and sushi for lunch.
and i'm so tired.
and i'm looking forward to conquering tomorrow.
Monday, July 23, 2007
Monday? Feck.
"Honey, what you don't understand is that I want to talk to someone here in the United States of America."
Someone at work was calling their phone company and the call was outsourced. I mean, how could I not laugh?
I am so aware of trying to be careful about my blog content these days. I could see myself getting swiftly fired from this place for writing basically anything at all on my blog. In fact, I could see myself getting fired for writing stuff that doesn't even have anything to do with work. And I could certainly see myself getting fired for the very paragraph I'm writing right now.
But life's too short, ya know?
Current status is as follows: I'm cold because of the rainy weather and a little grumpy because I have cramps. I'm glad to be working because the money is nice and I blew some of it at Target this weekend which was fun. I'm not glad to be working because I miss my boyfriend who has had to put up with my falling asleep at what sometimes feels like 8:30pm and my being tired all the time and napping sporadically. But I have about ten days off from anything HST related. It will be nice to have a little break. And I'm really enjoying improv stuff right now. Had a good productive enlightening practice yesterday and will have another one tonight. As soon as I can afford it, I'm getting new headshots. Harry Potter warms me.
I love this photo of Sara...
Someone at work was calling their phone company and the call was outsourced. I mean, how could I not laugh?
I am so aware of trying to be careful about my blog content these days. I could see myself getting swiftly fired from this place for writing basically anything at all on my blog. In fact, I could see myself getting fired for writing stuff that doesn't even have anything to do with work. And I could certainly see myself getting fired for the very paragraph I'm writing right now.
But life's too short, ya know?
Current status is as follows: I'm cold because of the rainy weather and a little grumpy because I have cramps. I'm glad to be working because the money is nice and I blew some of it at Target this weekend which was fun. I'm not glad to be working because I miss my boyfriend who has had to put up with my falling asleep at what sometimes feels like 8:30pm and my being tired all the time and napping sporadically. But I have about ten days off from anything HST related. It will be nice to have a little break. And I'm really enjoying improv stuff right now. Had a good productive enlightening practice yesterday and will have another one tonight. As soon as I can afford it, I'm getting new headshots. Harry Potter warms me.
I love this photo of Sara...
Thursday, July 19, 2007
It breaks my heart
that I haven't blogged in so long. Keith.
I have accepted a new permanent job at the company I was temping at last time I posted. The 12 month gig kept getting pushed back and pushed back, so I was gonna keep temping. And I wasn't really looking hard for something permanent because I wanted the flexibility that temping offered so that I could focus on comedy, but the boss at this latest place offered me way too much money for me to turn down and I felt obligated (to my bank account and outstanding debts) to take the money.
I'll work here for as long as I can tolerate it. And the thing is, for now at least, I sorta don't mind it as much as you'd think I would. Don't get me wrong: the hours are long, I have to be here at 8am every day and I'm the opposite of a morning person so that blows, and the work itself, although not terribly difficult or mentally challenging, can definitely be exhausting at times. I leave work completely numb after working basically non-stop during the ten plus hour workday. I started to find pockets to carve out a little internet time here and there - then I found out the boss can see every single website we visit and even read to whom we've sent gmails and the subjects of the gmails, all with some fancy securty software he has. So.
But here's what I tell myself: I'm making some money. Good. I'll pay off the minor debts I have and be at $0. I'll take an hour lunch every day that I possibly can, because I must. And one of my gym locations is literally in the same building. I've gone twice already. It's pretty ridiculous how perfect that part of it is. The first day I was already changed into gym clothes and on the treadmill 120 seconds after leaving my desk, I said, "This is awesome." I'm going to utilize that as much as I can - score a plus one for mental sanity. And the only other sector that's on my mind is my comedy. The first few weeks I worked there I was late for, missed, or slept through three different comedy obligations due to adjusting to this hecticness. This week I did a lot better. So that's got to remain a huge priority. I'm only working this job so I can keep doing that stuff.
Hopefully it will be managable for a while. The structure isn't my enemy, I think.
All else is good. Busy busy busy - shows practices rehearsals shows meetings socializing etc. I'm wiped out. But I'm sleeping hard when I can and that feels nice.
Oh and hey Kevin! Yeah, Kevin. Hey you! I like this picture of us and I'm putting it on my blog. And right now, I'm writing to you. You can take it up with me later. ;)
I have accepted a new permanent job at the company I was temping at last time I posted. The 12 month gig kept getting pushed back and pushed back, so I was gonna keep temping. And I wasn't really looking hard for something permanent because I wanted the flexibility that temping offered so that I could focus on comedy, but the boss at this latest place offered me way too much money for me to turn down and I felt obligated (to my bank account and outstanding debts) to take the money.
I'll work here for as long as I can tolerate it. And the thing is, for now at least, I sorta don't mind it as much as you'd think I would. Don't get me wrong: the hours are long, I have to be here at 8am every day and I'm the opposite of a morning person so that blows, and the work itself, although not terribly difficult or mentally challenging, can definitely be exhausting at times. I leave work completely numb after working basically non-stop during the ten plus hour workday. I started to find pockets to carve out a little internet time here and there - then I found out the boss can see every single website we visit and even read to whom we've sent gmails and the subjects of the gmails, all with some fancy securty software he has. So.
But here's what I tell myself: I'm making some money. Good. I'll pay off the minor debts I have and be at $0. I'll take an hour lunch every day that I possibly can, because I must. And one of my gym locations is literally in the same building. I've gone twice already. It's pretty ridiculous how perfect that part of it is. The first day I was already changed into gym clothes and on the treadmill 120 seconds after leaving my desk, I said, "This is awesome." I'm going to utilize that as much as I can - score a plus one for mental sanity. And the only other sector that's on my mind is my comedy. The first few weeks I worked there I was late for, missed, or slept through three different comedy obligations due to adjusting to this hecticness. This week I did a lot better. So that's got to remain a huge priority. I'm only working this job so I can keep doing that stuff.
Hopefully it will be managable for a while. The structure isn't my enemy, I think.
All else is good. Busy busy busy - shows practices rehearsals shows meetings socializing etc. I'm wiped out. But I'm sleeping hard when I can and that feels nice.
Oh and hey Kevin! Yeah, Kevin. Hey you! I like this picture of us and I'm putting it on my blog. And right now, I'm writing to you. You can take it up with me later. ;)
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