Oh boy oh boy.

Sometimes I just wonder about life, yaknow? Like, there are days when it feels like it's not gonna get any easier. Of course, I don't have it so bad, I'm well aware of that. But I'm feeling overwhelmed today. I'm not even sure what I'm feeling overwhelmed with, but I do feel like I haven't been able to catch my breath yet today. I'm sure that will pass.

Kevin has been working a lot for the last couple weeks. Just before August began he landed a big jog that will be pretty lucrative for him. It only lasts the month of August, which is not too long at all. But it has meant that he's working weekends and working late into the evenings. When I first met him this was the kind of lifestyle he was leading - working nonstop. He eventually slowed down a bit and started to focus on things outside of work until he ultimately left his career (!) to take a bunch of time off and just chill out a bit. He then slowly started back to work after taking an entire summer off, nothing fulltime, just freelance and consulting work here and there, while doing voice over stuff and acting stuff for enjoyment, and sometimes pay, on the side. He's a producer, so he can just as easily work freelance/work from home as he can have a 9-5 (or, in this industry 10-10) type job where he's beholden to a company. And the freelance thing he's been doing since he left his company has suited him much better. It has been so nice to watch him transform from someone who's identity is his stressful job into someone who doesn't want to be held down by anything and instead wants to create his own path to financial stability, while concentrating more on his happiness and sense of self outside a strict career. I'm not sure if we would have lasted if he'd stayed in that stressful job - it took so much away from him and made him so unhappy so often.

These few weeks of him working those hours again have been nothing compared to the stress level he used to experience at his job, but it's a firm reminder that that lifestyle is so hard to maintain and just terrible for one's mental and physical health. And it sucks not to have him to myself evenings and weekends. I miss him and I don't feel connected to him at all right now. I hate it.

Also, this woman at work has been going out to "run errands" all day every day for the last week because our boss is on vacation which means it's a good time for her to get stuff done. I'm sure she's mostly doing things for the office, but I'm also sure she takes her sweet time. And I've been left to answer her phones all week long. It's rather annoying and can be occasionally stressful. I'm just generally pissed about my job right now. I want to cry over how much I don't want to be here sometimes.

On a lighter note, my back is feeling much better. Yesterday was the first day, after 4-5 days of pain, that I felt relatively normal again. There's still plenty of soreness in the area where it was hurt, but now it just feels like I lifted something heavy a day ago. So that's definite progress. I took a muscle relaxer last night although I'm not sure it did much. To the tune of $87 for the pills, I'm wondering if I can just return the effing prescription. ($87 because I had to also pay the $50 deductible. I almost cried.) But I suppose I'll just keep the stupid pills in case this happens again. The doc wants me to take them for a few weeks at bedtime but I just hate being filled with medication, so we'll see.

I guess I'm also stressed about money right now. Ugh. I'm just pissed. I'm pissed and stressed and I hate everything. How's that for pouting. ;)

Tonight, after work, I shall make my triumphant return to the gym! Wahoo! I haven't worked out at all since the back happened, so it's been about 8 days without exercise. That's torturous to me, to be honest. I realized last night that when I'm not exercising I have this irrational fear that I'm going to balloon-up over night. Silly, but it's there, under the surface.

So to combat it, I had two slices of pizza for dinner last night! That was fun. I was going to go to the store to pick up something to make for dinner - I haven't been able to get to the grocery store since before my injury so we're runnin LOW - but when I left work it was pouring rain, I was so hungry, and I knew I wasn't going to feel like cooking. After a half-assed walk through of the market near my office (who's prices, compared to TJ's, made me sick) I put the few items I'd lazily tossed into my basket back on the shelf. I'd told Kevin I would pick something up (he was working from home until late) and I decided we were both gonna have two slices of pizza and I wasn't cooking and that would be that. It was, of course, so incredibly yummy and delicious, this pizza. And even though I still felt a little guilty afterwards, it was nice to remind myself as I consumed it that I chose this meal consciously, made us both eat some fruit before we got to have the pizza, and sometimes I get to have two slices of pizza. ROAR. ;) I also had a few bites of ice cream before bed. Tee hee.

This weekend, come hell or high water, I'm going to Trader Joe's. I'm gonna be really low on funds for the next two weeks, having spent a lot lately on I'm-not-even-sure-what, so I need to make a nice big TJ's run that will last us for a while, complete with plenty of stuff so I can eat-in and bring my lunch from home. I've been creating a pretty good list of stuff to have on hand in the last few days and I think I'll try to come up with some dinner ideas and plan ahead about them too. Having the space and option to cook and eat food that we make at home has been my dream for a while now, so it's nice to finally be able to fulfill it. We've been doing pretty well so far, but I'm excited to get even more organized about it.

The house is a mess right now. With Kevin working constantly and me not being able to move around for several days in a row, stuff is just a mess. And I'm pissed. At who? I have no idea. But I just am. Are we sensing a theme here?

Today is not a great day, I guess. I got plenty of sleep last night (got in bed at 10:30!) but I'm feelin a little grumpy. I wonder if it's because of the dreary rainy yuck going on outside. I have no desire to do anything other than cuddle up on the couch and watch tv all day long.

I have an improv show tonight, Jen+Steve, my two-person show with my friend Steve. It's at 930. I'm looking forward to it. And I'm also looking forward to the several hours after work (we usually get out at 7, but we get out at 5 on Fridays in the summer) and before the show wherein I'm going to go to the gym and maybe take myself out to dinner.

I'm looking forward to the gym tonight. I think I will try to do a nice long cardio session, maybe an hour? I need it. If my back begins to hurt I'll stop or take a break. I'm not sure if I'll be able to run, so I might just hike for as long as I can and maybe try to run a few mins here and there just to remind my body how that feels. I'm anxious to get back to running soon, especially since the fall weather is so great for jogs. But I can't push it with the back. It's only been a week without exercise, but I'm scared I've already lost running capacity. We'll see! I think I'll also attempt some pilates tonight. I might even try a yoga class. We'll see what the back can handle. It's sore now even as I type this so I think some advil is going to be required before my workout.

I want to get a lot done this weekend, business and pleasure wise. I want to clean the house, for sure, and get things back into a working order. I want to get to the grocery store and maybe even prep a few meals for the week. I also want to spend some time in the sun, weather permitting, and spend some time exercising, body permitting. And I think I'm going to six flags on Sunday with some friends! I can't really afford it right now, the rental car or the day at the expensive amusement park, and I'm not sure how my back will fare, I will almost certainly have to skip some rides, but I will be sad if I don't go. My best friends are going, Randy and Daniel, and I'd hate to miss it. We've been talking about trying to get to the six flags since we moved to New York 10 years ago!

That's it for now. Hoping to write something more cheerful soon. For now, sigh. It's all a mountain.

Update: The sun came out. :) And I found a nearby gym that has a yoga class at 6:30. I'm leaving work now, going to head over there, waste some time on the treadmill, and then hit the yoga class. Also I went to the farmers market at lunch and got some yummy ruffage. This day might just be shaping up.