Alas. Alack. Life. I'm plugging through it. Thank god for the people I like.

So, in other news, I was up .2 yesterday for weigh-in (meaning a total of 2.2 gained in the last two weeks). And then, naturally, back down to my lowest in recent weeks this morning, like that 2.2 never happened, the day AFTER weigh-in. Of course. Whatever.

I am thrilled to report that I had a good day yesterday in terms of healthy living. It's always a great boost for me to have day one of my "new week" be a success. If I end up overeating on the first day of the new week I always feel like I'm coming from behind the whole rest of the week. It's all mental, baby. But after last week's pretty shiteous performance on the part of Food Consumer: Me, I worked hard to make my first day a good one.

I've been really interested, lately, in eating whole, organic foods. I've been shopping for all kinds of weird things that I've never eaten before, like almond butter and flax seed oil. It's certainly out of a desire to fill my body with whole non-toxic foods, but it's also out of a desire to find ways to satisfy my hunger without overeating. And the best way I can think to do that is to eat whole foods. I've been eating a lot of organic crunchy peanut butter. A lot of avocados and apples and cherries. I found these really delicious organic bar-type-things that are ridiculously high in fiber and pretty tasty too - I believe they're called Gnu Bars. They're expensive as fuck, of course. But the chocolate brownie one does it for me for the chocolate fix. And for 12 grams of fiber, my digestive system is thrilled.

I hope to continue along this trend as time and grocery store trips allow. It's not always easy to make the better choice or the more expensive, organic choice, but I hope to teach my children to eat this way so what better time to start than now. And if some of it rubs off on Kevin, so be it. ;) (I have to slap myself regularly to keep myself from trying to control everything he puts in his mouth. Those are MY issues, not his, and goddammit, when I get on his case about food stuff I sound just like my mother! Aack! Dreadful. He's patient with me though. He knows it comes from a (dysfunctional) place of love. And just smiles and keeps eating his cheez-its.)

Anyway, I must head to the store soon to restock us. We made a vat of organic whole wheat penne last week for a meal and ended up with a lot of left over pasta. I reheated that stuff, adding a little salt and EVOO, at least 3 different times - after a run, as a snack before going to lift. And was so tasty and filling. Definitely have to get some more of that. It's fun to try to relearn nutrition in this way. I just can't with the super-chemical stuff anymore. It gives me headaches.

Yesterday was good because I ate good, whole foods, several servings of fruits and veggies, and didn't go overboard at all on the munching. (Except for some organic chocolate cookies a woman brought out at work. I had a hearty handful of those puppies. But at 120 calories for 10 of them, and organic, who cares.) I also got to the gym at lunch and blasted through a 30 minute run. It's not the hour long workout I dream of having each day, but it's something. And it's just all I have time for right now. Someday, things will be different.

I'm going to eat well again today. It remains to be seen whether or not I'll get a workout in. I might try to go lift and do some pilates at lunch. But I'm really craving a good long exercise session. These 20-30 mins stints on my lunch break just aren't enough. And getting out of work at 7pm, often having somewhere to be 30 mins later, isn't conducive to much in the long workout vein either. I get in my long stuff on the weekends, but I still crave more during the week. That might have to involve getting up early. HA. Puleeze.

It's a friends birthday tonight so I'm going to try to go see her show instead of working out, assuming I can get out of work in time. And tomorrow is another friend's birthday party. When is a girl supposed to exercise? This might be a light week for sweating.

I anticipate having a good week, food wise. My new goal is to eat 30 points a day. Letting flex and APs pick up my slack. I'm supposed to eat 22 points a day. But that hasn't happened in god knows how long. So rather than attempt to eat 22 points and a day, ending up eating 35, and being frustrated with myself, I'll aim for 30 and see if it doesn't change my mentality.

It's all mental, baby.

It's such a beautiful day here in NYC. The sun is bright, the sky is blue.

And I'm in the office. Hurray.

;)

Good morning, it's Monday. I already have a long list of things to complain about (i.e. obnoxious-as-fuck woman at work already bitching, which will continue until I walk out the door on Friday evening) but I'm going to do my best not to burden you with (more of) these negative details.

I had a really nice weekend. It was not the huge-splash-beginning of my August "vacation" that I'd hoped it would be - I didn't go swimming at the pool or the beach or take any mini-trips anywhere. I didn't lay out or have a picnic or go to an outdoor market. You can probably tell that my perfect world right now includes being outside 24/7, swimming. :) It wasn't that kind of a weekend. I'm hoping for some of those before summer let's out, and I'm sure I'll get to them. But this weekend was a different kind of nice and I think I really needed it.

I basically exercised, cleaned, and slept. It was pretty great. Kev was out of town from Saturday to Sunday - in Baltimore for an improv festival. I was sad to lose him for the weekend but I made do just fine without him and was (needless to say) thrilled to have a little quiet time and solitude. I'm a sucker for that kind of time. I love being alone. And I love when he comes home, too. So hopefully it all evens out.

I woke up on Saturday morning to see him off, we had breakfast together and puttered around a bit watching The Incredibles and playing with the cats until he had to get ready to go. When he left, it was pouring outside and the rain was so calming, I promptly fell asleep on the couch (this was around 2pm) until I moved to the bed at 5pm (!) and finally woke up, just barely, having to forcefully pull myself out of sleep, at 6pm!!! I wasn't totally shocked, I feel like I've been on a sleep deficit for as long as I can remember. But it wasn't how I'd expected to spend my Saturday.

I got up and worked out for a good hour - some pilates and then a 40 minute jog around the park. It had stopped raining. It was a great run, albeit hard, and I felt really good afterwards. I came home and showered, ate, did some house cleaning, and then took myself to a movie. :) Mamma Mia. I didn't really love it. It was beautiful and made me desperate for a mediterrian vacation, but I didn't really care for the movie. Eh, it was okay. Nothing spectacular. I suppose a true Mamma Mia fan (I've never even seen the musical) might feel differently. I went home and stayed up LATE, cleaning out my desk, organizing some files, and generally tidying up.

I had big plans, the following day, to get up and go to the beach/swimming pool and get my tan on. I have been CRAVING some vacation-like experiences lately. Truth be told, I've been craving six weeks at a beach-front resort. But that's not gonna happen anylifetime soon, so a fucking afternoon at a NYC pool will have to do. I used up all my vacation days early this year for HST related stuff. And as much as I'm glad for the semi-flexibility in life to get to do that, I wonder if I'd do it the same if I had it to do over again. I think I might have opted for missing one of those HST road trips in favor of a few summer days to myself right about now. What can you do. (I can work toward a day job that allows my life to be more my own. Yes, yes you can. Although this job is pretty good for now and for what it is and for the freedom it somewhat allows me. That's another blog entry, evidently. Ahem.)

ANYWAY. I had big plans to go to the beach on Sunday. But then I woke up at 12noon! (More sleep?!) Which felt amazing, even though I felt like the whole day was gone. And then I realized that I really needed to do laundry, change the cat boxes, and generally clean up our little house. And that if I put in the laundry, I could clean while it washed, and go for a jog while it dried. Purrfect. Not the dreamy beach day I'd hoped for, but a different kind of peace nonetheless. So I did just that. Laundry, cleaned, and exercised. It was very nice. I did the floors and the cat boxes and the dishes and the countertops and collected all the dusty bunnies and generally decluttered some shit. Kevin's been so great since I moved in about getting laundry done when he has time and other stuff like that - I wanted to hold up my half of the deal. He returned home much earlier than I expected and he helped me finish the laundry, relaxed while I went running, and then we went out to dinner together to this amazing place in Park Slope called Mango. Thai food. Incredibly delicious.

And I ate way too much of it. It was my main meal of the day, having had only breakfast before that. But it was still too much. And I was STUFFED afterwards. We took a nice long 45min-1hr walk home afterwards. I was stuffed the whole walk. The scale was up this morning.

This past week was a rough one for me WW-wise. I started my period on Monday of last week and I'm pretty sure it had me in a deathgrip for 5 days. I exercised, sure, not at my peak, but still a 5 reasonable workouts. But I also ate plenty and struggled with every choice, pouting the whole time that I couldn't have something else. We opted to stay in on Friday night and make pasta, even though we'd talked about going out for something more indulgent. And I'm glad we did. But not without a pout-session from me about how sick I was of staring down yet another meal-time, unsure of what to eat - what I craved vs. what I knew I should have. Kevin was a sweetheart, letting me be a 5 year old about it and then helping me choose something healthy from the pantry. He's a good egg, that guy. Love him. Yum.

Anyway. I can't obsess this week. I just can't. That goddammed sugar experiment, although interesting and somewhat enlightening, ended on Saturday morning (I made it through three days! not bad!) when I had a few bites of chocolate ice cream and some raisinettes as a mid-morning snack. And interestingly, Saturday was probably my "best" food day of the week. Perhaps because I slept most of the day, or because I had a good workout right in the middle of the evening, but regardless.

All in all though, no day last week stands out. They were all pretty craptastic. Food was a struggle and I was pissed off about it the whole time.

Even though my new WW week doesn't start until Tuesday morning (and I fully expect to either maintain last week's 2 pound gain or see another small gain again - greaaat) I'm going to commit this week to just fucking relaxing about the whole process. Take it slow, moment by moment. Breathe, relax, workout when I can, eat responsibly, but not obsessively in either direction, and just try to live without food constantly on the brain. Let's chalk last week up to hormones and move on, shall we? We shall.

I'm hoping this upcoming week will be another good one for exercise. I've been on a good path with that lately. (I think I might have done too much on Saturday actually. I've been limping ever since, having done something ugly to my right buttock/hip area.) And in my constant strive to try some sort of new workout like a yoga class or a nice long hike in the park, maybe I'll try to mix it up a bit this week, if I have time.

That's that. Work is getting busy now, the boss was just over my shoulder when this window was up so now I feel badly about continuing to do personal stuff. I should jump in and get going on Monday morning work stuff.

Have a great week, everyone.

p.s. I'm not working out on my lunch break today. Fuck that. I'm taking the day off, gonna go for a nice summery walk during lunch. And forget that I ever have to work to maintain my weight at all. Thppppppppppppppppppp.

Another one down...

So. I made it through another day sugar free until evening time. It was hard, as is evidenced by the panicked post below.

I had my apple before I left work last night, then Kevin and I met up with Daniel and we all had dinner before we went to see the movie. Daniel and I shared organic eggs, which came with fries and turkey bacon. And a turkey panini with swiss cheese. I had a piece of the bacon, some eggs, some fries, and my half of the panini. I actually took a lot of the turkey and cheese off the panini and sort of just ate the bread.

When we got to the movies I had a few handfuls of the popcorn that Kev ate most of and I also carefully chose (almost obsessively - like I was browsing library books) some raisinettes and some other chocolates from the drug store and enjoyed half of those during the movie. We also shared diet soda.

I will say, I felt pretty blech when I was done eating the popcorn and candy. I felt like I had a lot of it, but I think I just wanted it so badly that by the time I started eating it, I felt guilty right away, like I was certainly going to OVEReat it, no matter what. I don't think I did though. I might have had one too many pieces of chocolate. And frankly I was the instigator in getting the popcorn to begin with. And I wish I hadn't had those fries at dinner. But I did okay, considering the serious level of munchiness that I was experiencing in the afternoon. I have half a box of raisinettes left that I will save for sometime this weekend.

I've had a tough time, points-wise, so far this WW week. And also, just overall. It's been tough on the healthy living front. I'm on day 4 of my week and I've already used all my flex. Ooof. So I'm trying to be really conscientious today. I made a grocery list of healthy stuff and hope to find some time tonight or tomorrow to hit Trader Joe's.

I had cherries and an sandwich with one slice of cheese and one egg for breakfast this morning. And for lunch I'm having turkey chili and maybe a few corn chips. And more cherries, most likely. (Yum.) Hoping to avoid a ton of bread today. Just experimenting with different food combos.

I'm really just fighting to get through it all this week. This is the first time in a long time that I've felt this way. I just want to say fuck it all and sit down to a pizza and a pan of brownies. I'd probably vomit if that happened, literally, but I'm clearly exhausting myself by trying so hard to eat super-mindfully this week. It has the potential to backfire horribly with some rebellious binge at some point. But I'm counting on my intellect to keep that from happening. Plus, ew.

Kevin's going out of town tomorrow, so I think I should be able to make good choices with lots of fruits and vegetables, since I'll be eating alone most of the day. He asked me out to dinner tonight to an amazing tex-mex place that we love (today is 1 year, 7 mos for us! aww. puke.) but I said I didn't think I could swing it tonight. That I wanted to eat light. He understood. Too bad because I'd LOVE a magarita or six tonight. But I know I'd be so furious with myself tomorrow over it. I'm really trying hard to have a great week.

Exercise has been tough this week too. I suppose this has been my period week - it began on Monday. So I can't get too down on myself about my struggles. I always assume I have mental control over those hormones. I probably do NOT. I got in some lifting both on Tuesday (day one of my "new" week) and on Thursday but haven't done a lick of cardio yet (did some on Monday but that technically counts as last week) and won't be able to get to it today either. I plan to get some in both on Saturday and on Sunday, and hopefully on this upcoming Monday too.

The truth of the matter, based on the numbers, is that I average about 30 points a day. That has been the case for a while now, months even. It was probably a bit higher than that actually, a few months back, and I've eked it down to that. It was higher still back in December before I recommitted on January 1. I'm obviously losing weight, slowly of course. And the simple math is that if I want to lose weight faster, I will have to eat less than that. I'm only allowed 22 points a day, and then of course the extra 35 to spread out throughout the week. So in theory that's a grand total of 27 points a day. So I eat about 3 points more per day than I should be eating. Seems like exercise should make up for that, right? Ahhh, but I don't ALWAYS eat 30 points a day! Sometimes it's 33, sometimes, on bad days, it's 41. And frankly, the whole numbers conversation is enough to make my mind go numb. I'm not in any hurry, I have to keep reminding myself, to do this.

I guess I've been scrutinizing my body a lot lately. That girl at the gym yesterday got to me, I went to exchange a pair of jeans today and the dressing room - well you know. That stuff adds up til you're reading to take a steak knife to your thighs.

Rather than shooting for the stars each week, trying, hoping, pleading with myself to stick to 22 points a day, maybe I should just accept that we are where we are here. And try to perfect/progress that.

I'm rambling.

Turkey chili's here. Delivery. They sent me a !@#)(%^*&@#5608 COOKIE FOR FREE. GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. If I'm sticking by my guns, I'm not even supposed to have one little bite of it!!! ROAR x 500!

I guess I'll save it for tonight.

I'm going to strangle someone.

Two updates in one day?! Who am I? I'm hanging onto the no-sugar-wagon for dear life. That's who I am.

So here's the whole sad saga. No, no sugar has been consumed. But I went to the gym at lunch after my burrito salad. I had big plans for a jog. Well I get there and realize I left my FUCKING sports bra at work. That's basically like forgetting your running shoes. But I decided to brave it and wear my stupid regular bra. Mistake. It didn't hurt too much, but it DID make me feel all gross and weird, like I was exercising in a full regular clothes outfit. You know how you don't want to sweat when you're wearing your regular clothes but when you're in gym clothes you WANT to sweat? This was like a war between those two brain states. I got off the treadmill after a minute thirty to spare myself the mental agony and potential breast tissue damage.

Then I was just pouty. I tried to go do pilates on the mat and didn't wanna. For SOME reason (and seriously this rarely happens to me, but for SOME reason) I started looking at this one really attractive, tall, thin, large-breasted woman and thought about how different our bodies were. I have learned not to do that, because to compare automatically makes you less-than. And it's just a waste of time and energy and nobody but you and your own brain can make you feel any better so why go down the path to begin with. But this lady just got me. Wrong moment, wrong bra, I was done for. So I pouted about that. Then I decided to do some abs and some light lifting, pouting away the whole time. I did about 20 minutes of half-assed shit and had to pack it in to get back to work in time. Earned - oh - maybe 1 activity point. Fine. Whatever.

I left the gym. I wanted a damn snack. I don't even know if I was hungry or just still pouting. I walked into this deli that I pass every day but never enter. Well it was a fucking good-food-lovers dream. Just my luck. Fruits, nuts, various organic sweet treats, different kinds of high-fiber, no-sugar bars, gourmet chocolates I'd never seen before, chocolate covered nuts, toffee and chocolate covered nuts, toffee and chocolate covered nuts with caramel. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE. I literally stood at the stand filled with various gourmet sweets, bars, and candied nuts for about 5 minutes, reviewing different calorie amounts, reading ingredients before I realized HEY. YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO EAT ANY OF THIS TODAY YOU IDIOT. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. I thought, oh just buy them and have ONE of something. Or just buy it to have later tonight at the movies! Pffft. Luckily I outsmarted myself. Hell no. We all know that that means I eat the whole box in a shameful fit while reading CNN.com at my desk 30 minutes after shameful purchase. No, no, no. It's one damn day. I don't even WANT this stuff. But I doooo. Oh how I dooo. It's conflicted and it's ugly.

I finally settled, begrudgingly, for some cashews and an apple. Same as yesterday's late afternoon snack. Nuts and fruit. Fuck that. I like those things, don't get me wrong. But nuts are so high calorie! I could have a whole chocolate bar for the same price! But that's not the point, is it? No. It's not. What is the point again? To ruin my own life systematically, one sugar craving to the next?

You can see the drama I've created here. The conversation in my head. It's not pretty. But it's real.

No. Okay. The real point here is to avoid sugary snacks during the day/early evening so as not to overindulge in other foods that I wouldn't otherwise want/crave if I wasn't eating sugary snacks from time to time. That's the FUCK point. Roar.

So I got back to my desk after this deli mess and had some damn nuts. And a few more and a few more. Probably 4-5 points worth. Now I'm pissed. I want the apple now too. And some peanut butter on it. And SOME CHOCOLATE. And I'm not even hungry. I'm just being rebellious.

PHEW.

So I decided to come blog. I'm honestly not even sure why I'm doing this sugar test other than to prove to myself that I can. I suppose that's reason enough. And I'm not REALLY suffering. I love that I haven't eaten any cookies this afternoon. Usually I'd be AFTER them right around now. (Wait, aren't I after them? What's the difference?!)

So I can basically have that damn apple before I leave work for the day. And a cup of coffee if I really think I need it (but I don't) and that's IT until dinner time. Dinner will probably be some sort of pita with protein in it. Maybe a salad on the side. And I don't think I can do anything too interesting at the movies. Might just have to do some small chocolate thing and seltzer water.

Might just jump off this ledge.

And if someone in this office breaks out some kind of late afternoon sweet treat, I'm walking out.

So. Yesterday's goal of no/low sugar during the day was a success. I won't say I wasn't tested at a few points, but I'm proud to say I got through each of the trials without caving and I'm glad I did. I think it made yesterday a relatively low point consumption day, as opposed to a high one.

I had a banana, organic peanut butter, and multi-grain toast for breakfast. Then for lunch I had a hummus/veggie sandwich and a few potato chips. Then there were Milano cookies out at work. Oof. Now, luckily I'm not a huge Milano freak. Other Pepperidge Farms cookies, forget it, but Milano don't really do it for me. So I was able to avoid them. But I still WANTED one, big time. But then I thought about how I would usually just grab one and add it to my points tally for the day, but how I know that just that one cookie is probably the cause of my late afternoon hunger spiking hard and leaving me desperate for some more sweet snacks. So it was nice to have that awareness since I chose not to eat the cookie.

Then I left work to go do an improv show. And I was hungry on the way there and knew I needed some fuel to get through to dinner. I almost got a sweet at Starbucks. I thought, ah, fuck it. And almost got one. And then I thought, what the hell are you doing? Just get through one day! So I walked right out of there. I finally, after way too much deliberation, decided on an apple and some pistachios as a snack. Filling. I did my show and was RAVENOUS an hour later. Sometimes I feel like a bottomless food pit.

I went to Chipotle and got a burrito bol with just a little rice, beans, chicken, salsas, a smidge of sour cream, and a smidge of cheese. I had a tummy ache when I was done eating it probably because I ate it too fast and also because I waited too long to have dinner. But when I got home, I laid down and drank some water and felt a bit better.

I was a little hungry before bed so I had some popcorn, which was good and filling, and a had a tiny little bit, less than half a cup, of chocolate ice cream! And I made sure the ice cream was just milk, sugar, cream, eggs, and cocoa. I didn't want all kinds of weird chemicals. It was tasty and just the right amount.

So I'd say all in all I did pretty well.

I'm gonna try it again today - no sugar throughout the day - a treat at the end of the day if I think I can handle it without it opening the door toward more snacking.

I had another banana, toast and organic PB breakfast today. I just had some chicken, brown rice, black beans, and guac over lettuce for lunch. I had some chips I probably didn't need, but I'll live. I'm gonna go for a run on my lunch break today so hopefully that will work some of my lunch off.

Dinner tonight will be light. Kev and I are going to see Batman for the second time with Daniel tonight so I'm hoping to get something small and healthy for dinner and then have a sweet treat and/or a little bit of popcorn at the movie.

I DID just have a diet coke with lunch, something I rarely do, that I hope won't upset my sugar plan. I know there's no sugar in diet coke but there's a shitload of other weird unnecessary stuff that my body does not need or want. I'll have some fruit this afternoon as a snack if I'm starving after my workout.

It all seems like the right thing to do. But I really just wish I could eat a pie and not have to think twice about it. A cherry pie? With vanilla ice cream? Shut up, Jen.

Ended up eating much more than I'd intended to last night. I was very hungry when I got home from work/HST rehearsal by 10:30pm. I'd eaten pretty well all day, but I somehow only had a few points left for dinner, including APs I earned at the gym. Kevin had prepared tacos for us (yum!). And we cracked open a bottle of wine to share. Our friend Daniel came over for dinner too. I started by mindlessly eating some chips becasue I was ravenous and made myself a huge taco with lots of veggies and avocado and other yummy stuff. And then I had several pieces of salt water taffy, some almonds, and some bing cherries for dessert. It wasn't, by any means, unhealthy food. It was all very nutritious and filling and "whole," (aside from the taffy which is basically hardened corn syrup) but calorie wise, it was too much food. I used 17 of my flex points for the week in one night! And on the first night of a new week, no less! Certainly not the first (or 500th) time that's happened, and won't be the last. But it surprised me when I added up all my points this morning to discover that I'd used so many. Surprised me and irritated me.

So I'm going to begrudgingly try an experiment for a couple days and see if it helps me curb the extra munching - I'm gonna go relatively sugar-less. Sugar in my life: I stay away from cereal entirely unless it has less than 5 grams of sugar per serving (and you'd be surprised, even super healthy kashi cereals sometimes have 14+ grams of sugar) and I never have sugar with breakfast, if I can avoid it. I'm usually pretty good at lunchtime too, but I always want a sweet treat after lunch. And if I have one, I think it tends to derail me. I get munchy in the afternoon/early evening and then I end up with only a few points for dinner, and I have a larger dinner than I intend to and/or I snack after dinner on sweet stuff. So I'm going to see if I can go sugar-free (for the most part) for a couple days. Just to see if it will help curb my hunger. The main thing I learned from the Dr. Oz/"You On A Diet" craze is that if you have sugar early in the day and/or before a meal you're just setting yourself up to eat more, because your body is busy working on the sugar and can't process the rest of your food properly and you won't feel full or satisfied. If you drink wine with dinner, for example, Dr. Oz suggests that you eat some of your meal before you even take a sip of the wine. Because if you drink the wine first, a habit most of us probably share, your body will actually not register fullness from your food in the same way it would have if you had food in your stomach before drinking the sugary wine. Your body is too busy working on the empty sugar calories. And you will be hungrier and have a desire to keep eating or a desire to eat more than you actually need, even after you've finished your meal. If you just wait until there's some food in your system before drinking the sugar, it doesn't have the same negative impact on your body.

So I'm going to try to get through the days without any sugar filled snacks and I'm going to keep the sugar content in my meals very very low. And if I successfully get through a day without sugar snacks, perhaps I can have a small sweet something at the end of the night, after I'm full and satisfied, assuming I think I can handle it without indulging in 5 other snacks after that. We'll see!

Hoping to get a run in at lunchtime today but it might not be in the cards. Tomorrow after work I should have plenty of time for a great workout - I have no plans - so I think I'll go home, stretch out, go for a jog around the park, and come home for some pilates. And I hope to get in another workout on Friday evening. That might also be tough to fit in, but if I don't, I'll be charged with the goal of working out both Saturday and Sunday. Actually - that might not be so bad. This will be my first official weekend entirely to myself without a single performance related obligation of any kind. And that is the best news ever.

Yup. Up 2 pounds. Whatchugondo? I was over it before I saw it. Can't dwell on the numbers these days. Just can't.

In two months it will be six years since I began my weight loss journey. Wild. I want to look back at my weight trackers to see when I finally got down to where I am now. I think it took me a solid 2 years to lose the full 115 that I lost. Which means I've basically maintained right around there for 4 years. Incredible. I'm not cured. But I seem to have found a system that works for me.

Got in a quick lifting session at the gym today during my lunch break. And I did end up going yesterday and doing a short run, just like I thought I would.

Hoping to continue this trend - gonna do another run tomorrow and maybe something ELSE on Thursday. I need to mix it up a bit. Maybe some elliptical, maybe a pilates class, maybe a yoga class, maybe an outdoor hike. That might be real nice. We'll see if I can get Kevin to go with me. He's fallen off the exercise wagon recently, which is a shame because we were having so much fun. But he's gotten really busy lately, so it's understandable. I'm sure he'll return to the fold soon enough. ;)

Looking forward to a great week. Lots of healthy summer foods and exercise of all different varieties.

Warning - lady stuff ahead!!

Started my period this afternoon. It's amazing how I was in instant agony, could barely stand up straight, felt so incredibly exhausted and drained and like I couldn't keep my eyes open, and then after popping two advil (which always saves me), I could literally feel them kicking in 20 minutes later and the pain began to dissipate. There's still a dull ache. And I could easily fall asleep standing up. But the fierce pain is gone. Fascinating, the body. Just fascinating.

Oof. I would love to go home right now, crawl into bed, and spend the rest of the day there. Zzzzzzouch.

I had an okay weekend. I did end up eating more crappy food than I'd planned to. Three straight days of not-the-best choices. Friday night we had friends over for homemade pizza and cheap wine. It was YUMMY and the pizzas turned out so delicious and the wine felt so nice. But I certainly ate more than I needed and I was STUFFED at the end.

Then Saturday night, after a healthy breakfast and a healthy lunch and club soda at the bar after my HST show, Kev and I went home to relax together and I ended up over-snacking. I had some chips, some focaccia bread, an apple, some more chips, some almonds, and then a cookie and some soy ice cream! Whuut! I'm sure what has now revealed itself as PMS had a lot to do with it. And also think I was just feeling lazy and irresponsible and like I didn't want to think about it, I just wanted to eat yummy stuff. No big deal, but not the best decision.

And Sunday, of course, was no better. I did get in a quick workout, just some pilates, before we met up with friends at a local bar. So that was a mini-victory. Our day in the park/sports in the park got rained out! Boo. So everyone agreed to go to a Brooklyn bar instead and spend the day drinking and hanging. This particular bar has bocce ball courts inside! So that was really cool. And the environment overall was pretty neat too. I had four beers, some veggie spring roll type thing, and the most delicious chili-cheese dog. Now, that sounds terrible, and it wasn't great in terms of nutrition, but it wasn't some greasy nasty thing. It was actually more of a "foodie" type chili-cheese dog. The bun and the dog were smaller than usual and definitely good quality, and the chili and the cheese were only a dollup on top, not slathered all over. It was so incredibly tasty. THEN we went with friends later on to a nearby burger joint that's supposed to have the best burgers. And Kev and I split a burger and some hot wings! Yowch! Now, I will claim the fact that we shared the food another small victory, and I only had a few wings and a little less than half the burger (and no fries! Yes!) but I still couldn't believe all the junk foods I'd eaten and it wasn't even dark out yet. To the junk foods' credit, they were probably organic junk foods, prepared without trans-fat and with whole, local ingredients. Because it was in Park Slope, Brooklyn, and that's how they do in those parts. And I actually don't feel that shitty today, beyond the menstruation of course. So that's pretty good.

I had a good week of exercise. I got in 5 workouts (3 running, 2 strength) I'm sure the scale will be up tomorrow for weigh-in from PMS and from my weekend of caloric indulgence, but that's fine. I've been making good progress lately and I know I look better. I also feel good. I'm hoping it will be just a few days of healthy eating/working out to get it back to normal.

I'm debating whether or not to go to the gym on my lunch break today. I got some new workout clothes (couldn't BELIEVE how long it had been since I sprang for new bras and gym pants...like...years...) that I'm excited to don and a good cardio session might feel really good for my cramps. But I also just feel like it might be an unecessary task in the middle of my day. Who am I kidding, I'm probably gonna go. Day before weigh-in, bad eating weekend, I'm probably gonna go. But UGH! ;)

In other news, Kevin and I made some excellent progress on the apartment this weekend that seems to have brought us very near completion in terms of getting me all moved in and getting the place back to a normal state. It looks so amazing. We're both so pleased with it. It's finally our home, together. And it's so adorable to see our stuff all mixed up, hanging out. It looks really homey and comfortable and relaxing in there and that's exactly how we both love it to be.

Kevin is so awesome because he spent his whole day on Friday cleaning up while I was at work. We were having friends over on Friday night and we had set that as a sort of goal-date for ourselves to get things mostly in place. And another friend of ours was relieving us on Friday of a matress that had been laying in the middle of the living room, so it was the perfect time to finish getting organized. We did some work on Thursday night but there was still a lot to do - laundry of various linens, finding an organized home for said linens, lots of counter wiping down and dusty bunny retrieval to be done, a bunch of little odds and ends like our various shoes that were scattered all over the place needing a home and stuff that was just generally in disarray needing attention. Well my delightfully evolved boyfriend went above and beyond, getting the place in GREAT shape for our get together on Friday night. I was so pleased and thrilled and it was such a huge relief and I know how much there was to do, so I know how long it must have taken him. He's seriously the best.

We went to Target on Saturday, he didn't really want to go but he was a good sport about it. We some new stuff for the apartment that we had fun picking out - new glasses and dishware - and some small furniture for the bathroom. And we put it together on Sunday morning, which was also a fun little project.

So beyond having to hang up some artwork and find homes for a few more things, the place is basically done. And it feels really lovely. We've really been enjoying it and the adorable cats, who are getting along famously at this point (barring some occasional fighting that is totally normal, apparently, because they're boys and they desire to beat the shit out of each other from time to time), seem to be really happy also. It's great living together. Much better than commuting between two half-lived-in apartments.

In some ways, I feel like my summer vacation has just begun. I have five Saturdays in a row without an HST show and I'm just thrilled for the time off. I plan to go to the beach, to museums, out to dinner, etc. Not having to worry about being somewhere between 7:30-10:30 on a Saturday night is going to change my life. Maybe I'll just get drunk on margaritas at 12noon this Saturday. Because fuck it! I can!

;)

I have a relatively relaxing weekend ahead of me and I'm so thrilled about it. My life has been absolutely insane lately. I work 10-7 every day, and then almost every single day for easily the past 2 months, I've had somewhere to be at 7:30 each night of the week. And I don't get home until past 11 on most of those nights. So I can just go right to sleep, wake up, and do it again. Some of them have been fun things, but a lot of them are obligations that I can't skip. And I'm just totally exhausted. I talking burnt-out exhausted. The fact that I've been able to shove in so much exercise lately is actually just a testament to how much I require exercise to feel sane - because I think I wouldn't be doing it so often right now if I didn't NEED to be doing it in order to get a grip on my life each day. It's a period of time when I can zone out and focus on nothing but the way it feels to be in my own skin. So that's nice. It's one of my only salvations at the moment.

Our apartment is still a bit of a mess since the big move a few weeks ago. We're slowly but surely making progress. A friend of ours is taking one of our (several!) extra matresses today because he just threw out his bed because of he had a bed bug problem, so that worked out perfectly. And we threw out a bunch of shit last night including ANOTHER mattress. And around 11pm we walked a perfectly good TV to the curb, with its remote, and a sign on it that said "Works!" and it was gone 3 minutes later. Someone wanted it. :) That made me glad. We still have a few new things to buy and some organizing to do, but it's coming together. I wish it was DONE. It will be a big relief when it is. Although I guess I don't really mind the process either. It's sometimes fun.

My comedy stuff has been just exhausting me lately. I'm doing too much. And there's no good place to cut corners or take stuff out or scale back. It's all important to me and it's all stuff I need to be doing right now. But that doesn't change the toll it's taking on me right now to be constantly working. I feel like I work two full-time jobs. And I'm usually working on Saturdays and Sundays too. I do a show every Saturday night and usually end up shooting some kind of video every Sunday, whether for HST or for someone else.

So besides working a paying job 10-7 and a non-paying job 7-10, plus weekends, when you add in exercise, my commute, and my unfinished apartment, it's no wonder I'm in desperate need of a week in the woods with no one around.

This Saturday is the last Harvard Sailing Team show of our current run. This was our 5th full-length show and we'll be back with a new one in September. But this means that during the month of August/first two weeks of September, I DON'T HAVE TO DO SHOWS ON SATURDAY NIGHTS!!!! This is one of the best things in the world for me right now. For probably the last - oh - 3 years, I've had shows on Saturday nights. I don't even know what it means to have a Saturday night off. So the rare times that I don't have to work on Saturday nights are music to me. And I am so looking forward to this break. We will still have rehearsals during this time on some weeknights because we have to write our new show, but having my weekends to myself, even if only for a few weeks, is going to be so great. PLUS! There are two weeks or so at the end of August/beginning of September where we don't even have rehearsals!!!! (Half the people in the group will be on vacation then, so we decided not to rehearse during that time.) So this is like a two week vacation from my job for me, not to have think about sketch comedy at all. I'll still be doing improv practices and improv shows (both with my house team and my two-person group), and - oh yeah - going to my day job 45 hours a week (jesus). But taking the sketch comedy out of the equation for a little while is huge. HUGE.

I'm going to sit around and not be funny or think about funny things at all.

...Maybe.

It's supposed to be lovely in New York this weekend - it's beautiful today. 80s, sunny, and breezy. And tomorrow should be the same, just a bit warmer. I have the show tomorrow night, but that's my only true obligation this weekend. Tomorrow hopefully Kev and I will get to do something lovely together. And Sunday! I'm playing sports and having a picnic with some of my friends in the park! That should be totally awesome. And I don't have to be anywhere or do anything all evening. Bliss.

Hoping to get in a great workout today after work/before my two-person improv show (Jen+Steve) tonight. Hopefully a long run and some light lifting. Then going back to Kev and my place to make homemade pizzas and drink wine with our good friends. Looking forward to that. Hope to get in a workout tomorrow too, maybe an outdoor run? Yes, I think so.

I fit into a pair of jeans this morning that I used to wear a lot when I was at my thinnest (ten pounds ligher than now...ish...). Woot! I was sure they wouldn't fit, took them out of the drawer, sized them up against my body in the mirror first, said, "No way this is gonna happen," and then pulled them on! No huge deal, but a nice mini victory.

Also - had a really good OP (that means "on point" for those non-WWers) day yesterday overall. I got in a small light-lifting workout, even though the entire time I was walking to the gym I was almost daring myself to turn around and skip it. I don't know why, for some reason I just didn't want the hassle of the whole thing and I only had my hour long lunch break to get there, change clothes, workout, change back, and walk back. But I decided to just shut up and go. Glad I did. Feeling nice and sore today. I ate well yesterday - had an early lunch of a lowfat hamburger on a whole wheat bun that I brought to work from home and then an early dinner of a salad. Then I went to HST practice, and THEN! To see The Dark Knight with a whole bunch of friends. It was great. I had a lot of fun, even though I was hiding in Kevin's sleeve for 3/4 of the movie because if you so much as jump out at me on screen I'm done for. But it was a wild ride, lots of fun, the whole crowd loved it, and the popcorn and chocolate I had (my friend Adam's new girlfriend Maggie brought gourmet chocolates for everyone from a shop she works at - OMG so so good) was just enough to satisfy my snackie movie needs. And then I was done eating it because I was full and felt filled with sugar and salt. And that was that.

I'm feelin good lately. Been getting sleep, being healthy, avoiding too much partying. It feels nice.

Gonna try to get a bit more focused at work and see if I can maintain it. I love to surf the damn web all day long and it's no good for morale, frankly.

That's it. That's the update.

Hoping to get a quick run in at lunch today. If I don't, no big deal, but hoping to make it happen. (Sweet Kev did laundry yesterday so I have clean gym clothes! Yesss!) And I'll go out for din with Kev tonight before our improv show - hopefully we'll end up somewhere healthy.

Lalalalala.

I lost a sweet sweet 2.2 this past week! I have no idea how it happened. Well that's not entirely true...I made some small changes this week that seem to have made a big difference, but overall I would not have imagined that they would add up for an unexpected drop the likes of which I haven't seen in a while.

When I used to attend weight watchers meetings, my leader would always get upset with us if we'd report a loss for the week to the group but then start to back peddle and say stuff like "It was probably just water weight, though," or "It's probably because I quit lifting weights," or "I wore a different outfit at weigh-in last week." She'd get so upset and tell us not to downplay our victories. And I always loved that because you know what? She was right. We work SO hard to lose fucking two-tenths of a pound and then we say "But it's probably just water weight." Shut up. Who cares. Take the damn loss.

I'm trying to convince myself of that too, can you tell? ;)

I actually haven't been lifting quite as much as I was a couple weeks ago, but I actually don't think that's it. Lifting never caused much of a fluctuation in my weight and I've still been doing pilates and some light lifting occassionally which is not terribly different from before. I have been running more and I think that that might have just caught up with me after a few weeks of putting in the time and not necessarily seeing the results I'd expected to see right away. I also had a couple good gym workouts this past week which I think are a bit more productive than running outside for me right now. The heat slows me down, I think.

I ate relatively the same amount of calories this week - maybe. It's very possible that I was more accurate this week in terms of counting exactly what I ate and adding an extra point for butter or milk on a sandwich or in a coffee when necessary. I really wanted to be exact this week, so perhaps that helped. I did feel like I was more restrained with food this week and was surprised when I discovered I'd eaten the same amount of points as last week. I did eat more fruits and vegs than I've been. So who knows. Who really knows. But I'll fucking take that loss as my very own. I'm very proud of it. I was shocked when I saw it coming earlier in the week (scale-hopped) and it's made me work that much harder for the last few days.

This is certainly not about a number on the scale; I've said that 100 times and I'll say it 100 more. I'm not at a place right now where getting on the scale and seeing a high number makes me want to eat a pint of ice cream - or where seeing a low number makes think I can eat a pint of ice cream. (I never really was a pint-of-ice-cream girl anyway; it would be more like Wendy's extra value meal. Mmmmmmmmmmm.) I only want to look and feel good in my clothes and not have to worry about eating some pizza with friends or going out for mexican or enjoying myself at a summer barbeque because I put in the effort day to day so that I can afford to enjoy that stuff when it crops up. So even though I don't intend to measure my success only with what the scale says, the number on the scale is a nice indicator, for me, of whether or not that progress is being made overtime. And I really don'd mind the wait.

I will be very glad when I get back down to the lowest I ever was, which is about 10 pounds from now. And then, if I'm being honest, I'd like to lose 10 more. Just for the fun of it. See how it feels, etc. We'll see if it happens. It might take another 2 years - holy christ - but what the hell else am I doing with my time.

And we've all thought/said it before, but honestly, nothing is going to change when I finally get to a certain weight. I will still eat like this and workout like this always. Because it's what I do. It's what I've done for the last 6 years. After I lost that 113 pounds in those first two years, I kept doing it. I gained about 20 of those pounds back, still doing the same stuff, although a bit half-assedly. So can't do it half-assedly anymo'. Cuz you gain that shit back.

I don't really mind continuing to do it though. It's a fun game most of the time.

Being on e-tools on WW online for these 7 months has made all the difference in the world. Something about spending the money - might as well use the damn thing.

This week's goals: eat less, workout 4-5 times, only have egg sandwiches on 2 days*.

*Egg sandwiches are my all-time favorite breakfast food. And if I'm not careful...you get the idea.

So. Here we are. Another week. Weigh-in this morning was favorable. Down .8. Which is good considering I'd gained a bit two weeks back. So we're breakin even. That's a lot of this game for me lately, breaking even. If I let myself think too hard about it, it's easy to obsess, but then I remember I don't really care. And I'd rather enjoy the process than anything else, so it is what it is. Nothing more, nothing less.

I got in some good workouts this past week. I've been on a very consistent workout schedule for the last 6 months or so - getting in either 3 or 4 sessions per week. There have been the occasional weeks where I've only gotten 1 or 2 sessions in but those have been rare. 3 is not a number I'm satisfied with. I'd rather it be consistently 4. But I can't really complain. Before my recommittment to this process in January, I'd been extremely lax with exercise. I don't think I have it written down anywhere, but I know I wasn't doing it 3 or 4 times a week consistently. So there's progress, however small. I know that the workouts have also, in the last six months, increased in their intensity and duration, which is great. I'm back to running again, where I was not in the beginning of the year. So that feels really good.

I went to the gym today on my lunch break for a quick workout, just trying to start the week off right. Much to my dismay, even after the regular outdoors running I've been doing lately, I had a really hard time eking out even 15 minutes of straight running on the treadmill. That was disappointing since I generally find outdoor running harder than indoor running and I generally find that if I'm in a good groove with running outside I will end up being able to knock out 30 minutes on the treadmill without batting an eye. But that was not the case today. Who knows why. Shoes? Weird treadmill band (it was doing something really weird and awful that made it hard to run)? Or just general cycle of exercise where today is not my day? Who knows. I got off after 20 minutes and did some arm lifting and called it an afternoon.

I hope to get in a few good sessions of different kinds of exercise this week. Some pilates, some lifting, maybe even some yoga if I can find the time. And of course my outside runs. Running around Prospect Park, just steps away from my new (Kevin's) apartment has been really lovely. Even if it's late in the day, I know I can just go bang out 30-45 minutes. It's been really nice.

I have also realized that I need to start being a bit more restrictive with my eating if I want to drop another couple pounds before the summer is over. I am occassionally restrained and I rarely go totally overboard, but I haven't exactly been pinching the points pennies lately. I eat when I'm hungry, try to make good choices, and I go over if I go over. That's been my policy lately. So I'm going to try to be better about it this week and see what happens - get some more fruit and veggies in, eat less cheese and bread, and not snack so much when I'm not hungry. It's not impossible, so we'll see what I can accomplish this week.

In short, goals are: 4-5 exercise sessions of varied natures, stay within points, more fruit and veggies.

All else is good. Kevin and I had a few good chats about career direction and life direction this past weekend which made me feel better about working in a day job that doesn't fulfill me for the time being. We're really enjoying living together. My intial panic has subsided and now it's just nice to see him a little bit more often and be able to share more things together. We're having fun cooking together, even though we don't ever prepare anything fancy - just simple stuff so far. And the cats seem to be getting along for the most part, which is also fun for us. So it's good.

I gotta run. Bye!

I Rule.

So, I got up this morning and made guacamole all by my little lonesome! This is very exciting to me for a list of reasons:

1. I do not generally make things. It's not that I can't, it's that I just don't. And come to think of it, I don't know if I can. I probably could. But it's never been a pasttime. I made some guac with my mom once for my cousin's bachelorette party a while back and then again for the 4th of July. It was yummy. But today was different because it was impromptu and not for a special event.

2. I do not generally wake up before I have to. Ever. I hate that. Sleep is one of my very very favorite activities ever ever ever. I adore it. I want to carry it with me in a purse and take nibbles of it during the day like good chocolate. Waking up in the morning, I think I've written about this before, is often a painful event for me. I would sleep until 10:30 each day if it were allowed. And that's only since I've gotten older. When I was younger I could sleep until 1pm NO PROBLEM. In college there were occasions where I slept until 5pm. Once 7pm. That was an ugly "day."

3. I'm not, overall, very domestic.

When I woke up this morning, in our lovely "new" bedroom which we have rearranged and sort of redecorated since I moved in, I felt glad to be alive. I'm having fun living with Kevin. I love him, the big geek, and it's so nice and peaceful being a little family together with a cat (soon to be two cats - tonight in fact! - when I move my cat into the apartment finally). I knew we both had to shower so I got up a bit earlier than I normally would have so I could leave him plenty of time. Revolutionary for me not to wait until the last possible second to get out of bed.

Once I was dressed and ready I had some time to kill so I started chopping up the guac stuff! It was fun. And I didn't have much time so I just did it as quickly as I could and ended up finally tasting it seconds before we had to walk out the door. And it's delish! So I scooped some of it into a plastic container and threw some chips in a plastic baggie and here I am. Eating it for lunch. YUM.

I might be unnecessarily pleased with myself over this. But that's okay. A little self-congratulations never hurt anyone.

It looks like the weather is going to cooperate tonight and I might be able to squeeze in a run, assuming the cat meeting is going okay. I ate well last night, with minimal snacking before bed. I hope to have another good go at it today. I did start out a bit calorie-laden, with a bagel with one egg, cheese, and BACON on it! Aaack! I ordered the bagel (scooped out, thank you) with one egg and cheese and they accidentally put bacon on it! I didn't fuss because I love bacon. But I did pick most of it off and only ate a piece and a half or so. But I still felt like a salty dog when I was done. I hoping this guac and chips, and perhaps a banana and some other fruit, will be enough to tide me over until dinner time when I can make a big salad at home. (Oreatmoreguac?)

I might need to do a quick TJ's run tomorrow after work to stock up for the weekend. We're going to spend a lot of time at home this weekend tending to the cat introduction, so we'll need to have meals on hand.

In other health related news, I bought a pair of these, which I'd been eyeing and desiring for a while. I didn't get them so much for the workout benefits, but for the posture/alignment benefits. Flip flops are always making my body and knees sore but I cannot go closed toed in the summer, I just can't. So this is the perfect solution. BUT, luckily enough, what they say seems to be true about the exercise. I really do feel like I'm working my ass etc. more. I can feel it! It's kinda cool. I even feel my heart rate rise a little bit when I start to walk around in them. It's nice because I do so much walking in this city, miles each day, that I'm sure to reap some kind of benefit from the added resistance. So I'm pleased about it.

AND. A friend who I see regularly told me last night that I look like I've "lost so much weight"! What?! I was surprised to hear this because I've only lost about 6-7 pounds in the last few months, but I have been working out a lot and I know my body has slimmed down. So that was really lovely to hear. I haven't heard "you've lost weight!" in literally years. When I was losing my 100 pounds I heard that every other hour, it seemed. So even though I'm only working on 20ish pounds right now, it was pleasant to hear that someone noticed that I'm looking better than I was in January when the Christmas/first year of a new relationship weight was at its peak. Yikes.

Soooo, for all my concerns and fears and worries and I-don't-know-what-I'm-feeling!s I feel like I'm adapting to this move just fine. Our apartment looks gorgeous. And I really LIKE being able to spend different kinds of time with Kevin. Like, I really like that I can have an evening to myself to do my own thing (last night he went to see a show while I went to Queens to see my cat) because we know that we will see each other later that night for sure - and without either one of us having to pack a bag and travel across boroughs. I like that I have more free time now because I live in one place instead of two places. I almost feel a bit more independent than I felt before, if that's possible. Because now I don't feel like my free time half belongs to someone else. Even though I love spending time with him, I also like being able to do my own thing. And now that we share a space it's much easier to justify sitting "alone" in the living room reading a book. Because he's somewhere in the house doing his own thing too. Does that make sense? It's sort of like I'm no longer focused on being someone's girlfriend, but on being someone's partner and there feels like MORE freedom in that. Who knows. It also just feels exactly the same as before. ;)

That's it. Talk to you later.

Let's be honest.

Don't even want to post but I feel like I should since it's been a while. I'm sure once I get going I'll get into it.

First of all, I'm fucking exhausted. I cannot get to sleep before 1am to save my life. And it's just not enough sleep. I want to be in bed asleep by 10:30 every single night. And that's a laughable goal in this damn town, where life doesn't begin to die down until it's no longer p.m. but a.m.

Anyway, all's well on this end. I began a new WW week yesterday - stayed exactly the same as far as weigh-in goes. I didn't eat too terribly last week but I also didn't get but one official workout in. There were plenty of other "active" days, packing my room up, lifting boxes, walking far to get to the water front for fireworks, etc. But I just didn't have the time for anything more official than the one gym workout last Wednesday. The week prior, though, I was an exercise rock star, so it all evens out.

I started my "new" week yesterday on a good foot. I ate well, made good choices, didn't over do it on the snacking in the evening, and got in a nice (hard as hell) run and some stretching and pilates afterward. The run was pretty painful at first, after a week of no exercise. It was humid and I was sore from moving and from cleaning the new apartment for the few days prior. But I eventually got into SOMEwhat of a groove and was able to eke out 35 mins straight running. Not great, not awful. Even down to the last second, though, I could have easily died from how much I did NOT want to be running. Like most runners, I'm sure, I take a secret pleasure in that pain, though. Because it means the next run will be a little bit easier. It also means someday soon I'm due for an Easy Town run that I won't even notice is happening while it's happening. THOSE runs are the fucking BEST. Those are the runs where you get practically get to a place of nirvana.

Then I decided to squeeze in a lunchtime workout today - just light lifting. It was fine. I'm still tired. Zzzzz.

Looking forward to another good week. As I mentioned a few weeks back, I've been, on average, losing about a pound a month since I began my official recommittment on January 1. That means that I should be down to the weight I'd like to finally maintain by - AHH! I can't even think about it! ;) Nevermind. Forget I said that. The point is, I'm losing a pound a month, which seems like a ridiculous nothing but it's better than gaining a pound a month and I don't mind it at all.

The move, which happened this past weekend, was a success. We got it all done in one afternoon with the help of some trusty friends (to whom we're forever indebted) and now we're in the unpacking phase. It can be frustrating but I actually don't mind the little projects that I give myself to accomplish each night. We got the bedroom all done, which is looking gorgeous and so comfy and peaceful and serene. And we just did some majorly important work to the living room last night (or I did while Kevin worked on a video edit he's doing as a favor for our friend - he begged me to wait to work on the room until he could do it with me but I just couldn't be bothered - you know how it goes...i wanted to get it done!) and it's really shaping up in there too.

Kevin's apartment (or, our apartment now) is huge. Much bigger than any place I've ever lived in New York. And interestingly, now that all my stuff is in it and there's more furniture and we're arranging the furniture in a more feng shui (less bachelor pad) kind of a way the place actually looks BIGGER than before, if that's possible. It's nice. Some friends have given us some good suggestions on how to arrange the space and we've tried a few variations ourselves and I think we've landed on something good.

The kitchen, of course, will be the last thing we complete. All the extra boxes, bags, and random crap we've collected over the last week or two of preparing for and executing this move have ended up in the kitchen. So we'll tackle that once we're settled into the other rooms. But we've still been spending plenty of time preparing food at home, which is of course my dream come true. I already notice that I'm spending less money and making healthier food choices than I've been for a while now. It's really great. Plus we've been doing all our shopping at Trader Joe's so I feel good about the stuff we're consuming.

We move my cat in tomorrow night. I'm really looking forward to it. Floyd, my cat, is my favorite little guy. He's a total jerk and a pain in the ass of a cat and most people find him to be a handful, which he is, but I adore him. I've had him since he was 8 weeks old (and picked him out of his batch of brothers when he was 5 weeks old) and I'm crazy about him. We've been through a lot together, this cat and I, so not having him with me at the new place just feels wrong. It doesn't feel like home to me until he's there...knocking shit over and generally causing strife.

We have no idea how Kevin's cat, Chawser, is going to respond to meeting Floyd. Chawser is a particularly finnicky, skittish little guy. He's a REAL sweetheart, so loving and cuddly when he feels comfortable. But he can also be a big scaredy cat, jumping and fleeing at the slightest sound. So they are VERY different cats. And they will have to learn to get along. It could be great, it could be terrible, it could be anything in between. Like life, right? So we'll see. I'll just be glad to get it over with.

We're going to try to spend most of the weekend at the apartment so we can help the cats adjust to their new reality. Although I'd LOVE some great weather so I can take a few jogs through the park. It's been hot, muggy, and occassionally rainy here lately. Every day lately seems to have a "chance of thunderstorms." Fuck that.

Material things aside, living with Kevin is pretty enjoyable so far. We've spent almost every night together for the last year plus anyway so it's not SO different from before. Except now we have to split the cost of hand soap and I can't just buy rugs willy-nilly without making sure he likes them first. (But I buy them anyway and just keep the receipt. You can't stop a girl with a cart and a debit card at Target.) It is really nice to be able to build this space together though. We love spending time together and I love the idea of being able to do our own separate things and just sharing the same apartment.

I won't say I'm not scared. Living with a boyfriend in this official way is very new to me. And it tips its hat toward major life committments. Which can be a bit overwhelming. We're taking it day by day. And luckily we really get along, enjoy each other's company, and are good partners in getting things accomplished. But I would be lying if I didn't mention that the entire adjustment - not just living with Kevin for the first time and all that that does or doesn't imply, but also moving away from my home of the last 4 years (the place I've lived the longest at since I moved to NYC ten years ago), changing neighborhoods, giving up an important piece of my "single" life, leaving Daniel (old roommate), and going from a dingy basement apartment to a big home that is half mine to clean, care for, and enjoy - is just that. An adjustment.

I've always thought couples who live together are boring. There. I said it. So...now that I am one. Well. Gotta find ways to keep it interesting!

That's it for now. Check back next week when I deconstruct our sex life.

I'm kidding of course. He'd kill me.

I'm working with a headache and a bad attitude this morning.

Sometimes work really gets to me. And it's never the acutal tasks - it's the people. I just started to write a few sentences where I bitched and vented about the specificities of these people, but I deleted them. It's not really worth it, is it? They do things that annoy me, they have personality traits that I don't care for, and we work together. So we're all bound to get a little sick and tired of each other's shit. Simple. (But if the phone rang and I answered it and I didn't say it was for you and I took a message and hung up the phone and never said it was for you, why are you asking me "Was that for me?" NOPE! IT WASN'T! MAYBE IF YOU DIDN'T INVITE YOUR 20 CLOSEST FRIENDS TO CALL HERE THREE TIMES A DAY TO CHIT CHAT YOU WOULDN'T WORRY THAT THAT CALL WAS JUST FOR YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU.) (Among other annoying-as-fuck crap.)

Ahem.

There's also a cookie on the counter over there from yesterday afternoon that I'm this close to stress eating. But I won't. Because I know it will just serve to make matters worse five minutes from now when I want eleven more cookies. But oh good god the bliss it would be for the 8 seconds of chewing...let's just imagine that. Mmmmm. (Update: Ate the cookie. It was delicious.)

So. Aren't I a delight this morning? Wish I knew what it was. Or, wish I didn't have so many ideas about what it might be.

I started packing last night. It was certainly weird. I started packing up all my shit. I told Daniel last night that I can't tell if there's either not that much stuff or a whole lot of stuff. You never know until you're deep into it and can't find another box to fit this whole drawer of crap you just unearthed but had forgotten existed. Luckily I'm feeling merciless about chucking stuff. I got rid of a bunch of clothes that I never wear but have bizzarely insisted on hanging onto for years. And some books of the same nature.

I'm definitely right in the thick of this move and all the emotions that go along with it. The cat's all up in arms too.

We went to the vet last night for a check up and he was PISSED about getting into that cat carrier. He was really very nice about it at first - Nope. Not going in there lady. Do your damndest, but it's not happening. It was like a cartoon, always one paw clinging to the edge. He's so strong, this cat. Then, when I'd shoved too hard one too many times he was done being nice about it and clawed my arms. He'd had enough. Then I yelled in his face. Feel really guilty about that. I was covered in black cat hair - I think he was shedding at rapid rates during the whole stressful experience. I finally just summoned up all my courage and shoved that little fucker into the carrier. I knew I was hurting him but I didn't have a choice. Whew. We successfully got to the vet, had our appointment, and got back home. (The vet didn't have any easier of a time getting him back into the carrier but I was just glad it wasn't me doing it again. Poor kitten.)

Not soon after we got home did all the packing and rearranging of life-as-he-knows-it begin. So I think he's still a little confused. And naturally I had this crazy dream where I saw another cat chase him down the street and attack him and I went all postal-kitty-mommy on this other cat. It was wild.

So our lives are changing and it's scary. At least we've got each other. ;)

I've gotten all my books and clothes packed, with the exception of a few small pieces. There was so much dust, my allergies are through the roof today.

When I moved out of my last apartment into this apartment I was very upset to be moving. I loved my old apartment. It was huge and I lived there alone and it was a wonderful experience. I only lived there for about 9 months but they were wonderful months. I decided to leave that place to move in with Daniel, just a few houses down on the same block, to save money. And I know I spent some time crying over it. Moving into this smaller, darker, smellier place with a BOY was the opposite of what I wanted for my life. But it was cheap. And it was only going to be for 4 months. Almost 4 years later, I'm finally moving out.

The day I moved into Dan's, Kevin was just my friend. We'd been friends for a few years and we were becoming better friends all the while. He lived a few blocks away and came over that day to help us move. I found out later that afternoon that he'd just broken up with his long-term girlfriend that morning. She was also my friend. They'd been together for three years, but she had just moved to Texas a few months earlier. They were going to try to make it work long distance but it couldn't and they broke up the morning that he came to help me move in. I got a voicemail from her about it while I was walking a box down the street to the new apartment. She didn't know he was helping us move and I didn't have the heart to tell her. I knew he just needed to get out of the house, but I wasn't sure she'd see it that way. It was an intense day all around.

And he and I subsequently spent the next four years becoming better friends than we'd ever been. I settled into Dan's apartment while Kevin moved from Astoria into Manhattan and then later in to Brooklyn. And now...after all that time...I'm finally moving out of Dan's apartment. To move in with Kevin. Because we're in love.

Wild.

You really never ever know where life is going to take you. I could not have imagined I'd be here if you hit me over the head with it. And if, four years ago, on the day I was moving into Daniel's someone told me that in 4 years I'd be moving back out because Kevin and I were in a serious relationship and moving in together I would have laughed hysterically and told you to go fuck yourself. ;)

You just never know.

Despite my stellar exercise from this past week, the scale is up today. And I just can't give a shit right now. I'm moving. The workouts for the next week will be sporadic and unfocused, I imagine. Every day is packed to the brim right now. So whatever. I'm gonna let it be what it will be and check back in a week when I have the mental space to give it. By that time I'll be fully positioned in my new kitchen, armed with healthy groceries and plenty of opportunity for healthy living.

I love you, Summer.

And here I am, back in my office on the damn internet, after a nice summer weekend where I wanted to be anywhere but here.

And the work emails are starting to trickle in. And I'm looking around my desk, noticing the things that, over the weekend, I'd forgotten even existed. I have either an uncanny or totally common ability to walk out of my office on Friday evenings and systematically un-remember every single detail associated with my day-job life.

I suppose I should feel blessed that my day-job is one that I am able to un-remember every 5 days. This job - you do what you do while you're here and when you're not here, there's no use thinking about the place. Not every paycheck job is like that. I suppose I should also feel blessed that my life on the weekends is so dramatically different and active and busy in vastly un-day-job like ways. And I do feel blessed about those things. I'm hungry for more things, other things. But I do feel blessed about those things.

My commute this morning was bittersweet. I could taste the Brooklyn summer weekend slipping away from me. I held on to it almost until I walked in the door to the office. How can I encapsulate summer in a jar and wear it around my neck forever? I adore this time of year with every part of me. Being in an air conditioned office for 9 hours of the 16 hours I'm awake each day seems like the dumbest possible way to spend one's time. But not everyone feels that way.

Kevin returned last night from a weekend trip to Providence for an improv festival. I missed him while he was away but it was very nice to have the place to myself. I'm moving in with him this weekend (AHHHHHHHHHHHHHh!!!!!!!!!!) so the opportunity to take some ownership over the apartment for a few days, just me and Chawser the cat (Kevin's cat), was really lovely. I did domestic things like tidied up and cleaned the bathroom and prepared meals and took naps on the couch. And I just generally lived there. My stuff isn't there yet, but it still felt like home.

I went on long runs around Prospect Park four times this past week while at Kevin's. It has been blissful. And they have NOT been easy runs. Very difficult, in fact. The weather has been quite humid and my body is still adjusting to the hills at this park. But the entire activity itself - deciding on a whim that I think I'll exercise now, laying out the yoga mat in front of the tv, spending ten minutes stretching and lolling around on the floor, putting on my watch and my running shoes on and heading out the front door, just steps away from the beautiful park where the rest of our small corner of the world is also exercising and enjoying the weather, then running until I wanna die but not stopping because it feels secretly good, and returning home to stretch or do pilates, then hopping in the shower to wash it all away and make some lunch - has been perfect. It's like a dream come true.

I can't quite describe why being at Kevin's is so different from the life I've been living in Queens. I love Queens, don't get me wrong. Love it. Sad to leave it. And it's not that these things I'm excited about are impossible to have, no matter where you live. (You just need a mat and some running shoes!) But the apartment I'm moving out of, as I've mentioned a hundred times before, is just not conducive to this kind of active living. When you're in my current bedroom, you don't even know if it's day or night. And there's certainly no room to put out a yoga mat and stretch or do pilates. Plus, watching tv or just hanging out has to be done on the bed. Where I sleep. Mentally, that's a challenge. It doesn't mean you can't overcome the doldrums that tap on your shoulder when you're in this room. But I don't need to be spending my time fighting off unnecessary doldrums, you know? Who does?

So, I've said it before and I'm sure I'll say it again until you're beyond sick of hearing it, but the new living arrangement is working out very well so far. I told Kevin last night that I almost felt like I was spending the weekend in my mom's house in suburban Illinois because the apartment is just so spacious and comfy and just FEELS like a home. And there's nothing wrong with feeling like you're home. :)

I was very glad to see him when he came home last night. He was so wiped from the long, crazy weekend he had and it was so nice to reconnect a bit. I miss him this morning.

We've given ourselves the big task of enacting an apartment move this upcoming weekend. I have extra time off this weekend so it just seemed to make the most sense to do it now. So I'm anticipating, only slightly, the packing, the packing, the more packing, the boxes, the loading, the unloading - but it'll get done and we'll probably have fun doing it.

I think I'm desiring to savor every last bit of this time. It's huge for me, this change, and really positive for our relationship too, and I want to be really present for all the different feelings I'm gonna have. You know how you just KNOW when you're smack in the middle of one of "those" times in life. This is one of those.

Oh and my park-runs have left me ravenous. I'm insatiable this morning, even after an egg-sandwich!

I am feeling kinda stressed out today. And it's only 12:30pm.

Today starts a new WW week. Last week was right down the middle. Not amazing, not awful. I got in some excellent workouts. I made some poor food choices. I've been eating emotionally, I think. But the 4 mile run I took last night was really lovely and my body is appreciating the exercising I've been giving it lately. There's always room for more, but I'm in an okay place right now. I don't actually move into Kevin's until July 5th, but I've been staying over there and hanging out there more often than usual. It's really nice and conducive to healthy living. The living room is huge so I can spread a yoga mat out right in front of the TV and stretch, do pilates, do situps, or just relax. And the nearby park is constantly calling me to go for a jog. Plus the big kitchen, as I've mentioned, is ideal for cooking and eating in. I made a huge salad for dinner last night. The other best part is that I know the feeling of not being "home" when I'm there is about to change. And nixing the hour-long commute between our two apartments from our lives is going to be delightful. I think we don't even realize the negative impact it's had on us to have that time drain.

In other news, I feel, today at least, like I'm being pulled in a lot of different directions. And I'm just feeling resentful and pissed off about it. The new book I'm reading "The Female Brain" has been a bit of a god send in my life right now. It's incredibly interesting info about the human brain and how our brains, obviously, dictate how we perceive our reality. I'm loving it and it's helping me understand myself better. So I'm not surprised that I'm feeling how I'm feeling this week. It's probably more neurochemical than anything else. But regardless, I feel pissed. And that's my reality at the moment.

I pissed that I have to go get my headshots retaken today, I'm irritated about the work flow at my job today. I need some ME time and the work just feels like it's constantly coming in - and everyone just wants to pass on the responsibility to the next person. I'm feeling on edge about the people at work who tend to annoy me. I don't want to talk to them today or hear the sound of their voice. I'm feeling pissed off at having to be the bigger person in another situation in my world right now - feeling actually fucking furious that it often comes down to this - feeling so fed up that people can't have more patience and forethought. I'm annoyed with an old friend from college who's general attitude often brings me a great deal of frustration and the distance I feel him creating right now is making my skin crawl. I'm annoyed that I have to be the bigger person there too and that he's such an emotional child - even at the expense of this friendship. The lack of support I feel from him during this time of big change in my life is so upsetting and is likely based in his own insecurities and selfish feelings. But to ask for his support just sounds like an uphill battle that I've fought - and lost - with him many times before. My forehead feels scrunched up and my shoulders feel scrunched up. I'm dreading the next interaction with the debbie downer at work who sits next to me. She's easily the most negative person I've ever met and almost everything she says is laced with daggers. It's laughably so. On a good day it doesn't bother me but when I'm feeling on edge it really makes me livid. I'm sick and tired of dealing with all the cold sales calls that come in to my job from various vendors and service companies throughout the day. We don't want whatever you're selling. I deal with ten plus of these calls a day and spending the mental energy to navigate each call, find out exactly what they want, because god knows they can't just come out and say it, and then saying thank you we're not interested is more than I can handle some days, when everything else feels like it's closing in.

There are absolutely a million and one things to be grateful for. And I'm well aware of that and practice living in that mindspace as often as I can. But right now, I feel pissed. And that's something I'm going to move through today, rather than try to escape. I'm sure it's mostly me, not the rest of the world. But it FEELS like the rest of the world. So thppppppppp. Eff it.

The busy-ness of the next few days/weeks overwhelms me also. This weekend is very busy - I'm cat sitting and shooting some videos and I've got a show to perform and another to see. Next weekend - the big move! And it's a holiday weekend. And another show and video shoot. The weekend after that we're going to introduce our cats to each other which is, apparently, a complicated, time-consuming process that requires a great deal of attention from the humans involved. So we'll be at home that whole weekend. Come to think of it, I shouldn't complain about that because I sorta don't mind the house arrest, to be honest. Anyway, somewhere in there I've got to make and attend a vet appointment with my animal. Oh AND research flights for a handful of potential travel weekends, which, on its own, is enough to make my hair turn gray. The noise all these tasks is creating in my mind right now is making me tired. I don't want to deal with anyone. I don't want to go home to my house tonight and deal with my roommate's grouchy demeanor. I don't want to go to my HST meeting and argue with my friends about our latest team issue. I don't want to humor the annoying girl at work who needs a ton of validation and attention. I just want to spend a week by myself. Talking to no one. My cat can come.

I'm not sure writing about it has made it better....Now I'm even more pissed off. ;)

Oh well. At least it's a beautiful day today. :)

Well. I have some nice news. I'm moving in with my boyfriend. Yes, yes, it's happening.

We made the decision a week or two ago. We were talking on the phone about the struggles and challenges of my living arrangement - I live in a tiny basement with a cat and a roommate and my bedroom has no light at all and it's cheap but it's a pretty dreadful apartment and I've lived there for 3.5 years because the price is TO DIE FOR - and we were also talking about how the hour-long commute between our two apartments has really been wearing us out.

We didn't want to make a big life-choice like this just to soothe logistical issues. So even though it's always seemed like a good idea in the past, we've been putting it off at least until his current least is up in October. We just wanted to be certain it was for the right reasons. We're both fiercely independent people who love our own space, time alone, and lives as solitary adults. It's a miracle that we ever fell in love in the first place because we were both ridiculously against it from the beginning. But we did. :)

So during that chat about the commute, etc. he randomly asked me if I wanted to move in. And it suddenly seemed like the right time and like there's no time like the present. This excited energy shot through my body and I instantly thought "Yes!" He said it just dawned on him on how silly it was he was sitting all alone in his huge apartment and I was sitting all alone in my tiny apartment and we were on the phone. We endeavor to spend every night together as it is. So we're gonna do it! And we're gonna do it sooner than later, just to be done with the move. Probably the first or second week of July.

We're both really excited, now that the wheels have been set in motion. My roommate was okay with it, luckily, and my mom, who is historically very cautious about big decisions like this, is really happy for us and gave us her complete blessing. That made me feel really good. We each have a cat who're going to have to get to know each other. Of course our dream is that they fall madly in love, become the best of brothers, and cuddle up on the couch together for years to come. But we'll see. They're both pretty wild and have quirky personalities so it will be interesting to say the least. My cat, who wants nothing more than to run around big open spaces and interact with other animals, will be thrilled. Kevin's cat - well, we'll see.

ANYWAY. So that's that. A major shift in my life. There are moments when I don't even think about it beyond anything other than the logistcal implications. I.e. gotta change my address for my bills, gotta rent a van, gotta read up on cat introductions, it'll be a longer commute to work, I can cook more because his kitchen is really great, we'll need a new this and a new that and where will we put all our shoes?! etc. etc. etc. But there are also moments when I'm like Whoa. This is LIFE. And it's happening. And it's a little scary. It's good. But it's a little scary. I've been a single, independent woman for a long time. And I'm not exactly 21 anymore. So I've grown really comfortable in and happy with my lifestyle right now. Kevin has been a huge, daily and nightly part of that lifestyle for years now (we've been dating for 1.5 years, but we were really close see-eachother-almost-every-day friends for years before that) so it's not as though this adjustment is going to be some huge shock to my system. But it's still a big change.

I've lived in the same apartment with boyfriends before but never like this. Never in the way where we decide it beforehand in some official manner and move all our shit in together, etc. It's always just been circumstantial before (i.e. college dorm situation, or he's staying with me for a few months, etc. etc.) and never a life choice of an adult nature. So this is kind of a first for me. Kev, for better or worse, HAS been down this road before. So it will be interesting for him in a whole different way. (Like, how not to repeat the mistakes of the past...)

The most important things to me are that we are able to create for ourselves a partnership where each of our needs are being met and we're both happy and content but not co-dependent. I don't want to become a practically-married couple to spends every night on their couch watching tv. I'm not ready for that yet. I feel like we have the rest of our lives to spend nights on the couch watching tv. Luckily neither of us are prone to that - we're both too active - busy with things all the time. So we'll see. This is just the chatter in my brain right now. And I haven't been talking about it outloud too much. It's good to write about.

I'm SO excited to cook more. That is going to be a HUGE change in the most positive of directions. Before I moved in with Daniel (current roommate in very small basement apartment) I lived in my own huge wonderful place just a few houses down from Dan. I was still finishing up my degree at that point and the loan amount I got each semester allowed me enough extra cash to pay for the place by myself. It was wonderful. I adopted my cat while I lived in that apartment and he had plenty of room to run around. I also cooked a lot because I had a gigantic kitchen and I always kept my fridge fully stocked with good shit. I kept the place clean and tidy and there was so much closet space - it was just a really lovely time for me. Unfortunately, as soon as I graduated and got a real job, the loans dried up and I couldn't afford the place anymore. I moved in with Daniel for a fraction of what I'd been paying in rent. We agreed it would only be for a few months while we saved some cash, but of course that turned into almost 4 years. Our fridge now is always barren, or filled with spoiling food. We never cook, the hot water in the kitchen sink barely works, the floors have huge holes in them - the place is a mess. It's not conducive to wanting to care for your living environment. It just feels like such an uphill battle to try to make the place feel homey. So any attempt I've ever made seemed to fall falt.

Point being, I'm very excited to have a big kitchen with a nice big fridge and plenty of space and feng shui for cooking and preparing food at home. Prospect Park is also one block away. And it's a huge gorgeous park with so much to do (there's a zoo inside!) and it's like 4 perfect miles to run around it, which is great. There are always so many people running, walking or cycling. It's feels like such a great community. So that's nice too.

So that's that! :) Good and scary and exciting and weird and good. And scary. And a big adjustment. And I'm really going to miss Astoria (which is in Queens, Kevin lives in Brooklyn). But the lease at the Brooklyn place is up in October. So we might eventually move back to Astoria. We'll see!

In other news, food/exercise is going well. I'm eating relatively lightly and got in a good lifting/abs session yesterday. I'm really feeling it today. I hope to run around Prospect Park tonight and cook dinner in and then tomorrow we're going away for an surprise overnight! A gift I'm giving Kev for his bday.

Of course, what goes up must come down. Or, I guess in this case, what goes down must come up. I knew I spoke too soon last week when I boasted about the incredible ease with which I was navigating food reality. I think the natural response from my subconscious to that kind of boasting is almost always, "Oh yeah? Well, navigate THIS, bitch."

I did alright last week during the week re: food. And I eked out a couple workouts. But when the weekend came, most was lost. Not all, but most. Friday night was a party at a friend's apartment. I didn't do too much damage there, but I'd ate plenty of tortilla chips.

Then Saturday was when things got ugly-ish. Kev and I had a few friends over for a last minute BBQ - just people who we knew would be in Brooklyn and lived nearby. But we were very excited about the food. Because - come on - BBQ. So we spent a lot of time prepping burgers and turkey burgers that morning. And we did a veg plate and other yummy stuff and I made this delicious summertime slushy drink called a whiskey sour. We didn't eat anything until the party started and when the first few people got there we all just basically stood around and grazed on a TON of chips and dip. I was so full from drinking my whiskey sour and eating chips every time I walked by the table that by the time the burgers came out (they were amazing, btw - we did good), I was already stuffed. The burger put me over the edge. And then it was there was cake and pudding pie. It wasn't good. I felt SO. FULL. (And drunk.) By the time the day was over I had to take a nap just to power-up so I could go perform in two shows in the evening.

Then on Sunday we went to Kevin's parents house in Nanuet. I didn't eat very well then either. We had a lot of different stuff. Bagels, pizza, pasta, cake - OOF. It was no good. Kevin and I ended the night decompressing from the visit at a cafe around the corner from my apartment where we had fries and spinach pie! What was I thinking! I didn't eat a TON of any of the foods (besides the chips on Saturday) (and the pudding pie) (and the...kidding) but I definitely didn't have healthy stuff and I definitely felt stuffed on more than one occasion. And no exercise anywhere in site.

Monday was no better. I did okay during the day but I didn't get in a workout and I went home to Kevin's after work and had a leftover burger from the BBQ and some popcorn and some whiskey sours and some pudding pie and jesus CHRIST JEN. STOP.

I don't know what got into me. I guess I knew that today, Tuesday, was the beginning of a new week. So there came a point where I just started to let myself enjoy overeating. I haven't done it much at all lately. And the GUILT that can easily overwhelm me when I do is its own kind of sickness. Even though I knew I shouldn't have been eating those fries and that spinach pie on Sunday night it was also like, you know what? You're going to sit here and enjoy this food - you ordered it, you wanted it, and you'll stop when you're full (which I did) - and you're going to PRACTICE not FREAKING OUT and obsessively thinking about it. Just sit here and enjoy your boyfriend and enjoy the hilarious story he's telling you and enjoy the beautiful whether and the cute cafe and the fact that you're young and happy and you have the time and money to have expensive late night snacks and stop worrying about the fact that you haven't eaten well today. Curbing that, for me, is just as much of a victory as is avoiding the bad foods all together. Because I know that I will not let myself go day after day eating poorly. It's just not in my mindset anymore. I would be SO unhappy if I did that. I can't even imagine it. So all that extra worry and obsession over making a mistake at one (or 6) meals is just that - extra worry. For no reason.

I'm right back on today, like I knew I would be. I ran for 30 on my lunch break, had a healthy breakfast, a healthy lunch, a snack of cereal just now, and I'll do something light for din. Maybe subway sandwich?

Just goes to show how dangerous it can be to get cocky about this stuff. I'll never be cured from being a former fat chick, a food WANTER (not just a food lover), and a girl with a huge over-eating urge. I will always have to manage those issues. I didn't manage them very well this past weekend. But whatev. The scale, which I have avoided for the last few days, will not look kindly on these errors, but what can you do. I hope to have a great week this week and to FINALLY get in the 4 cardio sessions I've been daydreaming of for the last little while.

down down down

The scale's going down. I lost another 1.4 this past week. Grand total of 7 pounds since I recommitted. Pretty cool.

I mentioned to Kevin last night that I'm really not thinking about food that much right now. Something shifted for me several weeks back and I started forgetting to eat as often and hadn't been sitting down to update my points except once a day. I also just started reaching for things that were healthier and I needed a lot less food to feel like I was finished eating, etc. etc. Overall, there's just been less focus on food in my life, naturally. I'm just not that into it right now. (I'll take that while I can...) It's just part of the practice makes progress idea for me. You get to a point, when you're trying to make changes to your eating habits, where you've moved to the 'next level' of things, where ever that might be for you. Early on in my weight loss journey, I went from the 'level' of eating smaller portions of the same things I ate when I was fat, to the 'level' of actually desiring more nutritious foods. Both ways of eating allowed me to lose weight, but it was obvious to me (and apparently to my body) that a natural next step was to eat healthier, not just less. But it really did happen naturally, it wasn't something I forced.

And that's happened in different increments throughout, for me. At some point I decided I craved more veggies. Then I stopped eating fast food entirely. Then I quit drinking diet soda. But again, these weren't necessarily things I was consciously deciding to do, they just sort of came about as I listened to my body. And right now is kind of the same. I'm not that hungry, I feel sick when I get full so I avoid being stuffed, I want light foods and things that will satisfy me for several hours. I'd rather have some water than a snack, most times, and I am just generally not craving stuff. So I'm listening to my body and choosing not to play my anxieties out through my eating and rather feed myself what I'm desiring when I desire it.

Of course, the reverse happens sometimes too. I start craving MORE food, salty stuff, followed by sweet. I become constantly hungry, always searching for a snack. I'm sure the seasons have something to do with it. And god knows the heat wave (100+ with the heat index) we've had here in the last week has sworn me off anything but water and a nap. Anyway, it's all very interesting.

I didn't get in the exercise I wanted to last week. My mom and grandmother were visiting for the weekend and I forgot to factor that in when I set my goal of 4 cardio sessions. It just wasn't logistically feasible. But I did do 2 cardio sessions and 2 lifting/pilates sessions. It was nice.

I'm going to go today and lift on my lunch break. The cardio will have to come later in the week. There's just no TIME! I'm busy with so much these days, I can't even begin to tell you. Plus today is Kevin's birthday! (Aww..) So the long workout will have to wait.

Feelin good. Have this weird nausea going on for a few days now (also contributing to my lack of food desire) so I'm hoping that will leave me soon, but otherwise, feelin good. ;)