I love you, Summer.

And here I am, back in my office on the damn internet, after a nice summer weekend where I wanted to be anywhere but here.

And the work emails are starting to trickle in. And I'm looking around my desk, noticing the things that, over the weekend, I'd forgotten even existed. I have either an uncanny or totally common ability to walk out of my office on Friday evenings and systematically un-remember every single detail associated with my day-job life.

I suppose I should feel blessed that my day-job is one that I am able to un-remember every 5 days. This job - you do what you do while you're here and when you're not here, there's no use thinking about the place. Not every paycheck job is like that. I suppose I should also feel blessed that my life on the weekends is so dramatically different and active and busy in vastly un-day-job like ways. And I do feel blessed about those things. I'm hungry for more things, other things. But I do feel blessed about those things.

My commute this morning was bittersweet. I could taste the Brooklyn summer weekend slipping away from me. I held on to it almost until I walked in the door to the office. How can I encapsulate summer in a jar and wear it around my neck forever? I adore this time of year with every part of me. Being in an air conditioned office for 9 hours of the 16 hours I'm awake each day seems like the dumbest possible way to spend one's time. But not everyone feels that way.

Kevin returned last night from a weekend trip to Providence for an improv festival. I missed him while he was away but it was very nice to have the place to myself. I'm moving in with him this weekend (AHHHHHHHHHHHHHh!!!!!!!!!!) so the opportunity to take some ownership over the apartment for a few days, just me and Chawser the cat (Kevin's cat), was really lovely. I did domestic things like tidied up and cleaned the bathroom and prepared meals and took naps on the couch. And I just generally lived there. My stuff isn't there yet, but it still felt like home.

I went on long runs around Prospect Park four times this past week while at Kevin's. It has been blissful. And they have NOT been easy runs. Very difficult, in fact. The weather has been quite humid and my body is still adjusting to the hills at this park. But the entire activity itself - deciding on a whim that I think I'll exercise now, laying out the yoga mat in front of the tv, spending ten minutes stretching and lolling around on the floor, putting on my watch and my running shoes on and heading out the front door, just steps away from the beautiful park where the rest of our small corner of the world is also exercising and enjoying the weather, then running until I wanna die but not stopping because it feels secretly good, and returning home to stretch or do pilates, then hopping in the shower to wash it all away and make some lunch - has been perfect. It's like a dream come true.

I can't quite describe why being at Kevin's is so different from the life I've been living in Queens. I love Queens, don't get me wrong. Love it. Sad to leave it. And it's not that these things I'm excited about are impossible to have, no matter where you live. (You just need a mat and some running shoes!) But the apartment I'm moving out of, as I've mentioned a hundred times before, is just not conducive to this kind of active living. When you're in my current bedroom, you don't even know if it's day or night. And there's certainly no room to put out a yoga mat and stretch or do pilates. Plus, watching tv or just hanging out has to be done on the bed. Where I sleep. Mentally, that's a challenge. It doesn't mean you can't overcome the doldrums that tap on your shoulder when you're in this room. But I don't need to be spending my time fighting off unnecessary doldrums, you know? Who does?

So, I've said it before and I'm sure I'll say it again until you're beyond sick of hearing it, but the new living arrangement is working out very well so far. I told Kevin last night that I almost felt like I was spending the weekend in my mom's house in suburban Illinois because the apartment is just so spacious and comfy and just FEELS like a home. And there's nothing wrong with feeling like you're home. :)

I was very glad to see him when he came home last night. He was so wiped from the long, crazy weekend he had and it was so nice to reconnect a bit. I miss him this morning.

We've given ourselves the big task of enacting an apartment move this upcoming weekend. I have extra time off this weekend so it just seemed to make the most sense to do it now. So I'm anticipating, only slightly, the packing, the packing, the more packing, the boxes, the loading, the unloading - but it'll get done and we'll probably have fun doing it.

I think I'm desiring to savor every last bit of this time. It's huge for me, this change, and really positive for our relationship too, and I want to be really present for all the different feelings I'm gonna have. You know how you just KNOW when you're smack in the middle of one of "those" times in life. This is one of those.

Oh and my park-runs have left me ravenous. I'm insatiable this morning, even after an egg-sandwich!

I am feeling kinda stressed out today. And it's only 12:30pm.

Today starts a new WW week. Last week was right down the middle. Not amazing, not awful. I got in some excellent workouts. I made some poor food choices. I've been eating emotionally, I think. But the 4 mile run I took last night was really lovely and my body is appreciating the exercising I've been giving it lately. There's always room for more, but I'm in an okay place right now. I don't actually move into Kevin's until July 5th, but I've been staying over there and hanging out there more often than usual. It's really nice and conducive to healthy living. The living room is huge so I can spread a yoga mat out right in front of the TV and stretch, do pilates, do situps, or just relax. And the nearby park is constantly calling me to go for a jog. Plus the big kitchen, as I've mentioned, is ideal for cooking and eating in. I made a huge salad for dinner last night. The other best part is that I know the feeling of not being "home" when I'm there is about to change. And nixing the hour-long commute between our two apartments from our lives is going to be delightful. I think we don't even realize the negative impact it's had on us to have that time drain.

In other news, I feel, today at least, like I'm being pulled in a lot of different directions. And I'm just feeling resentful and pissed off about it. The new book I'm reading "The Female Brain" has been a bit of a god send in my life right now. It's incredibly interesting info about the human brain and how our brains, obviously, dictate how we perceive our reality. I'm loving it and it's helping me understand myself better. So I'm not surprised that I'm feeling how I'm feeling this week. It's probably more neurochemical than anything else. But regardless, I feel pissed. And that's my reality at the moment.

I pissed that I have to go get my headshots retaken today, I'm irritated about the work flow at my job today. I need some ME time and the work just feels like it's constantly coming in - and everyone just wants to pass on the responsibility to the next person. I'm feeling on edge about the people at work who tend to annoy me. I don't want to talk to them today or hear the sound of their voice. I'm feeling pissed off at having to be the bigger person in another situation in my world right now - feeling actually fucking furious that it often comes down to this - feeling so fed up that people can't have more patience and forethought. I'm annoyed with an old friend from college who's general attitude often brings me a great deal of frustration and the distance I feel him creating right now is making my skin crawl. I'm annoyed that I have to be the bigger person there too and that he's such an emotional child - even at the expense of this friendship. The lack of support I feel from him during this time of big change in my life is so upsetting and is likely based in his own insecurities and selfish feelings. But to ask for his support just sounds like an uphill battle that I've fought - and lost - with him many times before. My forehead feels scrunched up and my shoulders feel scrunched up. I'm dreading the next interaction with the debbie downer at work who sits next to me. She's easily the most negative person I've ever met and almost everything she says is laced with daggers. It's laughably so. On a good day it doesn't bother me but when I'm feeling on edge it really makes me livid. I'm sick and tired of dealing with all the cold sales calls that come in to my job from various vendors and service companies throughout the day. We don't want whatever you're selling. I deal with ten plus of these calls a day and spending the mental energy to navigate each call, find out exactly what they want, because god knows they can't just come out and say it, and then saying thank you we're not interested is more than I can handle some days, when everything else feels like it's closing in.

There are absolutely a million and one things to be grateful for. And I'm well aware of that and practice living in that mindspace as often as I can. But right now, I feel pissed. And that's something I'm going to move through today, rather than try to escape. I'm sure it's mostly me, not the rest of the world. But it FEELS like the rest of the world. So thppppppppp. Eff it.

The busy-ness of the next few days/weeks overwhelms me also. This weekend is very busy - I'm cat sitting and shooting some videos and I've got a show to perform and another to see. Next weekend - the big move! And it's a holiday weekend. And another show and video shoot. The weekend after that we're going to introduce our cats to each other which is, apparently, a complicated, time-consuming process that requires a great deal of attention from the humans involved. So we'll be at home that whole weekend. Come to think of it, I shouldn't complain about that because I sorta don't mind the house arrest, to be honest. Anyway, somewhere in there I've got to make and attend a vet appointment with my animal. Oh AND research flights for a handful of potential travel weekends, which, on its own, is enough to make my hair turn gray. The noise all these tasks is creating in my mind right now is making me tired. I don't want to deal with anyone. I don't want to go home to my house tonight and deal with my roommate's grouchy demeanor. I don't want to go to my HST meeting and argue with my friends about our latest team issue. I don't want to humor the annoying girl at work who needs a ton of validation and attention. I just want to spend a week by myself. Talking to no one. My cat can come.

I'm not sure writing about it has made it better....Now I'm even more pissed off. ;)

Oh well. At least it's a beautiful day today. :)

Well. I have some nice news. I'm moving in with my boyfriend. Yes, yes, it's happening.

We made the decision a week or two ago. We were talking on the phone about the struggles and challenges of my living arrangement - I live in a tiny basement with a cat and a roommate and my bedroom has no light at all and it's cheap but it's a pretty dreadful apartment and I've lived there for 3.5 years because the price is TO DIE FOR - and we were also talking about how the hour-long commute between our two apartments has really been wearing us out.

We didn't want to make a big life-choice like this just to soothe logistical issues. So even though it's always seemed like a good idea in the past, we've been putting it off at least until his current least is up in October. We just wanted to be certain it was for the right reasons. We're both fiercely independent people who love our own space, time alone, and lives as solitary adults. It's a miracle that we ever fell in love in the first place because we were both ridiculously against it from the beginning. But we did. :)

So during that chat about the commute, etc. he randomly asked me if I wanted to move in. And it suddenly seemed like the right time and like there's no time like the present. This excited energy shot through my body and I instantly thought "Yes!" He said it just dawned on him on how silly it was he was sitting all alone in his huge apartment and I was sitting all alone in my tiny apartment and we were on the phone. We endeavor to spend every night together as it is. So we're gonna do it! And we're gonna do it sooner than later, just to be done with the move. Probably the first or second week of July.

We're both really excited, now that the wheels have been set in motion. My roommate was okay with it, luckily, and my mom, who is historically very cautious about big decisions like this, is really happy for us and gave us her complete blessing. That made me feel really good. We each have a cat who're going to have to get to know each other. Of course our dream is that they fall madly in love, become the best of brothers, and cuddle up on the couch together for years to come. But we'll see. They're both pretty wild and have quirky personalities so it will be interesting to say the least. My cat, who wants nothing more than to run around big open spaces and interact with other animals, will be thrilled. Kevin's cat - well, we'll see.

ANYWAY. So that's that. A major shift in my life. There are moments when I don't even think about it beyond anything other than the logistcal implications. I.e. gotta change my address for my bills, gotta rent a van, gotta read up on cat introductions, it'll be a longer commute to work, I can cook more because his kitchen is really great, we'll need a new this and a new that and where will we put all our shoes?! etc. etc. etc. But there are also moments when I'm like Whoa. This is LIFE. And it's happening. And it's a little scary. It's good. But it's a little scary. I've been a single, independent woman for a long time. And I'm not exactly 21 anymore. So I've grown really comfortable in and happy with my lifestyle right now. Kevin has been a huge, daily and nightly part of that lifestyle for years now (we've been dating for 1.5 years, but we were really close see-eachother-almost-every-day friends for years before that) so it's not as though this adjustment is going to be some huge shock to my system. But it's still a big change.

I've lived in the same apartment with boyfriends before but never like this. Never in the way where we decide it beforehand in some official manner and move all our shit in together, etc. It's always just been circumstantial before (i.e. college dorm situation, or he's staying with me for a few months, etc. etc.) and never a life choice of an adult nature. So this is kind of a first for me. Kev, for better or worse, HAS been down this road before. So it will be interesting for him in a whole different way. (Like, how not to repeat the mistakes of the past...)

The most important things to me are that we are able to create for ourselves a partnership where each of our needs are being met and we're both happy and content but not co-dependent. I don't want to become a practically-married couple to spends every night on their couch watching tv. I'm not ready for that yet. I feel like we have the rest of our lives to spend nights on the couch watching tv. Luckily neither of us are prone to that - we're both too active - busy with things all the time. So we'll see. This is just the chatter in my brain right now. And I haven't been talking about it outloud too much. It's good to write about.

I'm SO excited to cook more. That is going to be a HUGE change in the most positive of directions. Before I moved in with Daniel (current roommate in very small basement apartment) I lived in my own huge wonderful place just a few houses down from Dan. I was still finishing up my degree at that point and the loan amount I got each semester allowed me enough extra cash to pay for the place by myself. It was wonderful. I adopted my cat while I lived in that apartment and he had plenty of room to run around. I also cooked a lot because I had a gigantic kitchen and I always kept my fridge fully stocked with good shit. I kept the place clean and tidy and there was so much closet space - it was just a really lovely time for me. Unfortunately, as soon as I graduated and got a real job, the loans dried up and I couldn't afford the place anymore. I moved in with Daniel for a fraction of what I'd been paying in rent. We agreed it would only be for a few months while we saved some cash, but of course that turned into almost 4 years. Our fridge now is always barren, or filled with spoiling food. We never cook, the hot water in the kitchen sink barely works, the floors have huge holes in them - the place is a mess. It's not conducive to wanting to care for your living environment. It just feels like such an uphill battle to try to make the place feel homey. So any attempt I've ever made seemed to fall falt.

Point being, I'm very excited to have a big kitchen with a nice big fridge and plenty of space and feng shui for cooking and preparing food at home. Prospect Park is also one block away. And it's a huge gorgeous park with so much to do (there's a zoo inside!) and it's like 4 perfect miles to run around it, which is great. There are always so many people running, walking or cycling. It's feels like such a great community. So that's nice too.

So that's that! :) Good and scary and exciting and weird and good. And scary. And a big adjustment. And I'm really going to miss Astoria (which is in Queens, Kevin lives in Brooklyn). But the lease at the Brooklyn place is up in October. So we might eventually move back to Astoria. We'll see!

In other news, food/exercise is going well. I'm eating relatively lightly and got in a good lifting/abs session yesterday. I'm really feeling it today. I hope to run around Prospect Park tonight and cook dinner in and then tomorrow we're going away for an surprise overnight! A gift I'm giving Kev for his bday.

Of course, what goes up must come down. Or, I guess in this case, what goes down must come up. I knew I spoke too soon last week when I boasted about the incredible ease with which I was navigating food reality. I think the natural response from my subconscious to that kind of boasting is almost always, "Oh yeah? Well, navigate THIS, bitch."

I did alright last week during the week re: food. And I eked out a couple workouts. But when the weekend came, most was lost. Not all, but most. Friday night was a party at a friend's apartment. I didn't do too much damage there, but I'd ate plenty of tortilla chips.

Then Saturday was when things got ugly-ish. Kev and I had a few friends over for a last minute BBQ - just people who we knew would be in Brooklyn and lived nearby. But we were very excited about the food. Because - come on - BBQ. So we spent a lot of time prepping burgers and turkey burgers that morning. And we did a veg plate and other yummy stuff and I made this delicious summertime slushy drink called a whiskey sour. We didn't eat anything until the party started and when the first few people got there we all just basically stood around and grazed on a TON of chips and dip. I was so full from drinking my whiskey sour and eating chips every time I walked by the table that by the time the burgers came out (they were amazing, btw - we did good), I was already stuffed. The burger put me over the edge. And then it was there was cake and pudding pie. It wasn't good. I felt SO. FULL. (And drunk.) By the time the day was over I had to take a nap just to power-up so I could go perform in two shows in the evening.

Then on Sunday we went to Kevin's parents house in Nanuet. I didn't eat very well then either. We had a lot of different stuff. Bagels, pizza, pasta, cake - OOF. It was no good. Kevin and I ended the night decompressing from the visit at a cafe around the corner from my apartment where we had fries and spinach pie! What was I thinking! I didn't eat a TON of any of the foods (besides the chips on Saturday) (and the pudding pie) (and the...kidding) but I definitely didn't have healthy stuff and I definitely felt stuffed on more than one occasion. And no exercise anywhere in site.

Monday was no better. I did okay during the day but I didn't get in a workout and I went home to Kevin's after work and had a leftover burger from the BBQ and some popcorn and some whiskey sours and some pudding pie and jesus CHRIST JEN. STOP.

I don't know what got into me. I guess I knew that today, Tuesday, was the beginning of a new week. So there came a point where I just started to let myself enjoy overeating. I haven't done it much at all lately. And the GUILT that can easily overwhelm me when I do is its own kind of sickness. Even though I knew I shouldn't have been eating those fries and that spinach pie on Sunday night it was also like, you know what? You're going to sit here and enjoy this food - you ordered it, you wanted it, and you'll stop when you're full (which I did) - and you're going to PRACTICE not FREAKING OUT and obsessively thinking about it. Just sit here and enjoy your boyfriend and enjoy the hilarious story he's telling you and enjoy the beautiful whether and the cute cafe and the fact that you're young and happy and you have the time and money to have expensive late night snacks and stop worrying about the fact that you haven't eaten well today. Curbing that, for me, is just as much of a victory as is avoiding the bad foods all together. Because I know that I will not let myself go day after day eating poorly. It's just not in my mindset anymore. I would be SO unhappy if I did that. I can't even imagine it. So all that extra worry and obsession over making a mistake at one (or 6) meals is just that - extra worry. For no reason.

I'm right back on today, like I knew I would be. I ran for 30 on my lunch break, had a healthy breakfast, a healthy lunch, a snack of cereal just now, and I'll do something light for din. Maybe subway sandwich?

Just goes to show how dangerous it can be to get cocky about this stuff. I'll never be cured from being a former fat chick, a food WANTER (not just a food lover), and a girl with a huge over-eating urge. I will always have to manage those issues. I didn't manage them very well this past weekend. But whatev. The scale, which I have avoided for the last few days, will not look kindly on these errors, but what can you do. I hope to have a great week this week and to FINALLY get in the 4 cardio sessions I've been daydreaming of for the last little while.

down down down

The scale's going down. I lost another 1.4 this past week. Grand total of 7 pounds since I recommitted. Pretty cool.

I mentioned to Kevin last night that I'm really not thinking about food that much right now. Something shifted for me several weeks back and I started forgetting to eat as often and hadn't been sitting down to update my points except once a day. I also just started reaching for things that were healthier and I needed a lot less food to feel like I was finished eating, etc. etc. Overall, there's just been less focus on food in my life, naturally. I'm just not that into it right now. (I'll take that while I can...) It's just part of the practice makes progress idea for me. You get to a point, when you're trying to make changes to your eating habits, where you've moved to the 'next level' of things, where ever that might be for you. Early on in my weight loss journey, I went from the 'level' of eating smaller portions of the same things I ate when I was fat, to the 'level' of actually desiring more nutritious foods. Both ways of eating allowed me to lose weight, but it was obvious to me (and apparently to my body) that a natural next step was to eat healthier, not just less. But it really did happen naturally, it wasn't something I forced.

And that's happened in different increments throughout, for me. At some point I decided I craved more veggies. Then I stopped eating fast food entirely. Then I quit drinking diet soda. But again, these weren't necessarily things I was consciously deciding to do, they just sort of came about as I listened to my body. And right now is kind of the same. I'm not that hungry, I feel sick when I get full so I avoid being stuffed, I want light foods and things that will satisfy me for several hours. I'd rather have some water than a snack, most times, and I am just generally not craving stuff. So I'm listening to my body and choosing not to play my anxieties out through my eating and rather feed myself what I'm desiring when I desire it.

Of course, the reverse happens sometimes too. I start craving MORE food, salty stuff, followed by sweet. I become constantly hungry, always searching for a snack. I'm sure the seasons have something to do with it. And god knows the heat wave (100+ with the heat index) we've had here in the last week has sworn me off anything but water and a nap. Anyway, it's all very interesting.

I didn't get in the exercise I wanted to last week. My mom and grandmother were visiting for the weekend and I forgot to factor that in when I set my goal of 4 cardio sessions. It just wasn't logistically feasible. But I did do 2 cardio sessions and 2 lifting/pilates sessions. It was nice.

I'm going to go today and lift on my lunch break. The cardio will have to come later in the week. There's just no TIME! I'm busy with so much these days, I can't even begin to tell you. Plus today is Kevin's birthday! (Aww..) So the long workout will have to wait.

Feelin good. Have this weird nausea going on for a few days now (also contributing to my lack of food desire) so I'm hoping that will leave me soon, but otherwise, feelin good. ;)

Today

Yesterday was a good day back on the wagon. I'd exercised the night before, Monday night (long cardio session outside) and that was a good jump start as well. I didn't get to workout yesterday, but I ate reasonably well and avoided too much sugary craptown food. Hoping today will bring the same.

I hopped on the scale this morning, one day after my usual weigh-in day, and was surprised and grateful to find it down another pound! Woot! That means I've lost almost 6 pounds in 5 months. An hilariously small amount compared to the 50 pounds I once lost in 5 months. But I don't have anywhere near 50 pounds to lose now. So I suppose I'll take the 6 pounds and shut up about it.

My goals this week, which remain the same as yesterday, (4 cardio, 3 strength, and eating within points) are a big focus for me right now. I know I'm capable of achieiving them. And every day, lately, I'm reminded of how amazing it is that I've been able to maintain a 100 pound weight loss for 5+ years. I look good, my clothes fit, and the most I ever have to bitch about is not feeling as toned as I'd like to feel. Luckily, I enjoy exercise for the most part.

I plan to go tonight to the gym after work and get in a really good lifting session. Returning to lifting this week might mean a.) my cardio output suffers slightly and b.) the scale might be up next weigh-in, since weight training seems to have that impact on me. But I'm willing to risk it. I feel so much better when I'm lifting.

Planning to have something light for lunch today. Maybe a salad or some sushi. And the same for dinner. Feeling stuffed and bloated are not in the cards for me this week.

Catch up

I only have a moment to post but I wanted to come be accountable, especially after my week long vacation.

The trip to Charleston, although not exactly a vacation because we were working for most of the time, was a lovely trip. And I did relatively well on the food-front. I promised myself I could have one fast food meal while we were there, and I finally had it on the last day of the trip. Wendy's. But I got the grilled chicken which was burnt and gross, so I mostly just ate fries. Besides that and a couple over-munching episodes involving guacamole, chips, cheese and bread, I did pretty well, I think. I made an effort to eat healthy breakfasts and I avoided more than one big meal in a day, when possible. I definitely ate more points than I wanted to, but I think I controlled the damage successfully. I drank next to nothing booze-wise the entire trip and I had plenty of water. PLUS! I exercised three times. :)

We stayed in the most beautiful house with tons of sunlight and a gorgeous kitchen. It made it very easy to wake up early before everyone else, get in some exercise, and then make myself a healthy breakfast every morning. That made a world of difference.

I haven't been on the scale in a couple days, but I think it's probably up. I'm okay with that. This next week of WW-ing will be a resetting period for me, a post-vacation detox. The week prior to the vacation (which wrapped up during the first few days of the trip) was a great week in terms of healthy living; I ate the least I've eaten in weeks that week. I didn't exercise much but I'm very proud of the food progress I made. My appetite is definitely smaller.

My goals for this upcoming week, which begins anew today are as follows:

4 cardio sessions
3 strength training (at least 2 lifting, but 1 can be pilates)
eat no more than 45 flex points total

I think it's doable. I'm focusing on eating more fruits and veg. Not terribly hard in the summer. I also want to focus on LESS SUGAR. I can eat sweets and crappy sweet shit like a champion. So I'm going to try to curb that this week.

I haven't lifted regularly in about a month I think. Not sure how it got away from me so quickly, but I've got to get back to it. I feel infinitely better about my body when I'm lifting. It's night and day.

I'll check in soon with progress.

Oh the ebb and the flow...

Stayed basically the same this past week, scale-wise. Surprising because I felt like I didn't workout very much last week, and although I ate better than I've been known to in past weeks, it wasn't anything amazing.

This week is already proving challenging. I have been feeling a little run down - just tired and allergic to the spring and generally lethargic. Working out has not been at the forefront of things I want to do with my time. I was able to convince Kevin to go for some cardio in the park on Saturday, but that's the last time I exercised. And I haven't lifted in over a week. Gah. I meant to do it yesterday on my lunchbreak, but it didn't happen. And I was planning to go today, but now that the hour nears, I'm trading up for a dinner out with my man. We're getting sushi so at least I won't overeat in addition.

I kept vascillating all day long about tonight's exercise. First it was Of course! Then it was We'll see. Then it became YOU'RE GOING. Now it's Hi Kevin, what are you doing at 7:30pm?

The current plan is to get something in tomorrow on my lunch break. I'm seeing Xanadu on Broadway tomorrow night so it will have to be the lunch break. Then I hope to get something in on Friday evening, after my headshot session (getting new ones on Friday). And again on Saturday during the day. We leave for Charleston on Sunday morning, so I'd really like to feel healthy as we leave town. It will inspire me to try to get some activity in on the trip AND I won't feel so terribly if I don't get any activity in on the trip.

But my god am I sick of the conversation in my head. I WANT to be working out, is the thing. But life just doesn't always make that possible. I'm fine with that. But I'm fascinated by how much energy and desire I have to do it sometimes, verses other times when I would rather stick pins in my eyes.

I'm sleepy.

I think I'm getting sick.

Naturally. I called in sick last week so I could shoot Sesame Street (and I will be sure to mention when that's airing because people have been so sweet to ask) and I thought, "I bet you I actually get sick. Karma." And then, of course, when I got into the office the day after the "sickness" I felt like I needed to act a little rundown to really sell it. Ridiculous, perhaps, but it's a small office. I couldn't exactly be bopping around. I'd just called in sick two days in a row! Anyway. What the mind believes, the body achieves. Even where acting rundown is concerned. So now I'm rundown in reality. Not just for show.

Bitch bitch bitch, right? Sorry. Better on this blog than to my boyfriend who probably doesn't need to hear it.

In better (!) news, I'm eating less and less lately. I did another Trader Joe's run late last week and it was a success. I bought lots of yummy stuff and we've been eating it up like crazy. I'm still spending more money on eating out than I want to spend, but that's how it goes. I've brought my lunch several times recently and have eaten many dinners at home rather than ordering in. That's big money and health progress for sure.

My goal in Charleston is to eat normally. I usually do on these trips. But it's week long! So the temptations will abound, including, but not limited to alcohol. I'm not a huge drinker, but those calories add up fast regardless. I think the key will be to make sure I start off each morning with a healthy, nutritious breakfast. That usually sets me on a good path. And lunch, of course, should be something with very little white bread. Dinners will be where it gets tricky. But I'm determined to return from the trip feeling good about my choices and good about conquering a week out of town.

Okay. Everyone send me your exercise motivation vibes. I need a divine intervention.

La la la la...

Alright. This WW week is off to an interesting start.

First of all, I lost a couple pounds according to this morning's weigh-in. That's welcome news. It means I've lost a grand total of 5 pounds since my recommitment on January 1. (To be fair, I lost those 5 pounds in the first three months and then gained a couple back. But I'm officially down 5 now and it's NOT coming back, dammit.) Five pounds is an amount I would have scoffed at back in the days when I could drop 10 pounds by blinking. Of course, those were also the days when I had tens and tens of pounds to drop...so I guess it all evens out. I'm totally more than comfortable with this progress. It's a pound a month. Not newsworthy, but definitely better than being 5 pounds heavier and uncomfortable in my clothes. I'm reminded of a time when 5 pounds didn't make a bit of difference in how I looked or felt. So it's nice to recognize what an impact it's had this time around. I feel much better. 5 more pounds off and I won't know what to do with myself! ;)

All that said, I've had a weirdo food day so far, which I refuse to let derail me, but it's presented a bit of a challenge.

I got to work this morning and had a bagel and cream cheese (grocery store bought, so I know the exact cals). I didn't have any fruit, which I usually try to incorporate into breakfast, but I wasn't gonna sweat it. I usually let myself indulge a little on weigh-in days and a bagel with cream cheese sounded perfect. Then, just as I was getting peckish around 1pm, the boss asked me to go get his lunch. And since I didn't bring my own lunch today, I figured I'd get something for myself too.

I went to Pret-a-Manger. I had a delicious hummus sandwich in my hand (6 points total - so fucking yummy) when this new "spicy falafel wrap" caught my eye. I love falafel. And maybe, just maybe, it wouldn't be too many calories! This particular restaurant has yet to don the calorie counts on their menus, so I wasn't entirely sure what kind of decision I was making. But I was hungry and it looked yummy and I knew I could just google their nutrition info when I got back to the office. So I put back the hummus sandwich (oh beautiful hummus sandwich, I will never forsake you again) and grabbed the wrap and also chose a tiny sweet square that they sell at the counter and that was that.

Regret abounds. The spicy falafel wrap, although reasonably tasty, was not amazing. And they didn't HAVE the info for this particular wrap on their site because it's a new sandwich (keep up, website!) so all I could do was look up the other wraps and guesstimate - and the OTHER wraps range from 12 to 19 points each! WHAT! FUCK THAT.

So I ripped some of the bready wrap part off, to avoid those extra cals, only ate half the sandwich, which wasn't remotely filling or satisfying, and wrapped up the rest for another time. Who knows how many points it cost me. Disappointing to say the least.

Then I looked up the sweet bar's nutrition info and it turns out I could have saved a good 70 calories by getting the mini brownie rather than the mini cookie bar I chose. No big deal, and those of you unfamiliar with the woes of weight-watcherdom are probably rolling your eyes by now, if you've even gotten this far, but the point is, these things can be just a little frustrating. On day one, meal two of a new week - you want to feel better about your choices. Plus, I can't be affording to sacrifice perfectly good lunching opportunities on some shitty high calorie food. Alack, I'll live. Hungrier than I'd like to be, but I'll live. I guess it's fruit for me all afternoon. Fabulous.

I'll head to the gym in about an hour probably for some stretching and lifting. It will feel good on the ol' muscles for sure. I fear being very hungry later today, after lifting and not having eaten a nutritious lunch. So getting through this day without dipping too far into flex is going to be my primary goal.

I'm going to see the Kanye West concert tonight (for free!) and it's gonna be a long night, I think. So I'll hit the gym in a bit, snack on fruit in the afternoon, find some sort of filling, protein based thing to have before the concert, and beeline home to Kev afterwards - maybe he will make me a late light dinner. :) Hope he's up for it!

Tomorrow will include a good workout too, after work and before my improv show. I'm gonna do my best to get some exercise in each day for the next few days. Even if it's something small, it's feasible.

Cookietown, Population: Me.

I've had one of the better weeks I've had in a while this past week. Proud of myself for the extra effort.

I did, however, eat two relatively big cookies today, that someone cruelly brought into work. These are amazing, delicious, yummy cookies. And there's been a whole huge tub of these babies sitting in the office kitchen since like 11am. I didn't discover them until 12noon; when I saw them, I became overjoyed, panicked, grabbed one and ate half of it on the spot like if I didn't devour it right then someone would come steal all the cookies and I'd get none.

It was a bit much.

Then, of course, I saved the other half of the first cookie to have after lunch. Which I did. And then I wanted a second cookie. I'm polishing it off right now.

And it's delicious. But let me remind myself that it will be gone in a few seconds and I sorta wish I didn't have the second one afterall. Oh, food addicts. Aren't we the wildest?

Otherwise, I've had a really nice week. I've eaten less this week than I've eaten in months - I'm so proud of that. I still went over flex by a few, but nothing like 20 points over. More like 10 or 12, which is seriously a record for me. Plus, I got in a nice amount of cardio (not the four sessions I was hoping for, but three really good sessions) and a pilates class.

I did no lifting this week and I'm eager to get back to it because I love how lean and strong it makes me feel, but I think taking a break from it for a week allowed me to drop some on the scale, even if it's only a pound. I'm feeling very slim in general right now. My clothes are fitting well, my skin feels tight, my body feels lighter, like I can move through space with ease. It's nice.

In two weeks I'll be heading off to Charleston, SC for a week to perform at a comedy festival down there. We went last year, you might recall, and had SUCH a great time and we're going back for the same Piccolo Spoletto Festival this year. Kevin's joining us, which is basically the best thing ever. He was there last year too. I'm nuts about the kid, so it's delightful for me that he comes on these trips. He does the lights and sound for HST (and he's a master at it).

Anyway, as it relates to this blog, the trip could prove challenging. I'm sure I'll have some opportunity to exercise - we'll be staying downtown, and there's plenty of places to go jogging, but food might be a bit more difficult to navigate. I'll basically be on a working vacation with 9 of my closest friends. It's hard to eat perfectly in those situations. But I will give it my all. In the meantime, it's important that I do plenty before the trip to offset any potential damage. I'm excited to weigh-in tomorrow. Even if I've only lost a pound, it will be a step in the right direction. Not to mention, I KNOW the last 4.5 months of exercising more diligently and eating more mindfully (I recommitted after a year of being really lax on 1/1/08) have made a big impact on my body, even if I don't see the results on the scale all the time. I'm buying/wearing clothes that I wouldn't have dared put on a few months ago. I just bought the cutest blue summer dress at the gap that hangs on me in a way it would NOT have in January. I'm really pleased with this. My body has changed shape. That's key.

My success this past week certainly related to the fact that Kevin and I went grocery shopping and I ate those foods for many of my meals. We've really had fun preparing stuff together in the kitchen - he's cooked me dinner a couple times which is pretty much the greatest. And I've been bringing salad's to work for lunch, eating lower-calorie breakfast foods, and making smart choices for dinners. I think it's definitely the key to having a successfully healthy summer - eating-in more than we've been known to do. I think we're both excited for that. And the cash savings goes without saying.

I hope to have another stellar week this upcoming week. We will get in another trip to Trader Joe's soon, I hope. And I will do my best to make good use of all that we buy. And I plan to get at least two lifting workouts in, in addition to a pilates class. Last week's, although easy, was a nice change of pace from doing it by myself. I also hope to get in 3-4 cardio sessions once again. Hopefully some nice long outside jogs can happen.

We shoot Sesame Street on Thursday and Friday of this week. I'm looking forward to it and I think it will motivate me to have a great Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday in terms of food and exercise.

I've been thinking a lot lately about how beautiful I feel. Perhaps that sounds a bit vain, but when you were once 260+ pounds, it's not vain, I promise you.

When I was a young kid, I wasn't heavy. I definitely had body image issues, always felt less girlie than the pretty girls at school, and fat, because my mom bitched about her body. So I thought I should dislike mine too. And then it became a self fulfilling prophecy. I got as fat as I felt. And THEN I realized, gah, I was never fat before. I was just misguided. And that same cycle, in ten pound increments, repeated itself until I was unrecognizable. What a difficult series of years.

And the worst part was, it was during the time when the rest of the young women in my age group were, for the most part, learning to dress in cute, sexy clothes that flattered their figures, and discovering how to wear make-up and do their hair perfectly and eventually don bikinis in the summer. And I never felt like that was stuff I could or should be doing.

I will say that, on a psychological level, I'm sometimes glad I didn't have the opportunity to be vain in that way as a young woman, because it gave me a level-head about what really mattered and it also gave a sharp sense of humor, which I grew to combat my hurt feelings. It's sort of nice to have had to wait until I was a little older to feel so self confident. Because I can appreciate what life is like when you don't feel self confident.

But lately, I'm feeling really lovely. I'll probably never be able to wear a tiny bikini on a beach full of attractive people and feel fantastic. But I'm not sure that anyone I know can. Regardless of any of that kind of stuff, I feel good about who I've become.

I'm one hurtin' puppy today, cats. I'm fucking exhausted right now, to say the least. It's due to a combination of factors that have all gathered together and formed an unfortunate dog-tiredness. And that's a shame on a day like today, which is going to be non-stop. I can only hope that my condition improves before the evening. I'm gonna need some sleep this weekend.

I can honestly say I haven't been tired in this way in months. I've been obsessed with getting plenty of sleep in my old age. In the last year or so I have become practically incapable of staying awake beyond 1am. I used to stay up much later every night; I've always been a night owl. But something has happened as I grow closer to 30 (wow, did I just write that?) and now I'm no good come midnight. And last night I was awake until probably 2:30am. And what would have once been some minor sleepiness the morning following a late bedtime has become a handicap. I'm beat, guys. I'm beat. I would pay anyone cash money to get me a nap.

Improv show last night - it was fun. And then I went to the bar afterwards, had one drink, chatted up a good friend/teammate and we left around 1am. Ugh. Time is a black hole in that bar. Hours can pass in an instant and suddenly you're fucked. But everyone else has to get up and out of the house to work the next morning too, so you justify it that way and you stay another ten minutes/fifty/hundred-twenty minutes longer than you meant to. Aaack.

Kev and I got back to queens, hung with Daniel who had his official graduation from his Masters program yesterday, and finally crashed into bed around 2:10, trying to stay awake to talk about something we wanted to discuss. Our eyes were closed by the time we decided to turn out the light, even though we were both still mumbling. Silly since I can't remember a lick of the conversation now, of course. Sweet Kevin slept in his clothes because he was too tired to take them off. Even the cat was tired.

I woke up this morning, hurting. Headache, fuzzy brain, body exhaustion. I bitched as I woke up, "I hate waking uuuuuup!" outloud to the cat. Lovely, right? Yeah, I'm a lamb. I took some advil, but that's not gonna do much.

Tonight is a big night. It's gonna be a long one too. Tonight Harvard Sailing Team, my sketch group, is hosting a big show/party/event. We're all really excited about it. It's a "Best Of" Show (we've been together for 3 years and have a ridiculous amount of material, so we're doing a bunch of old favorites - and they are sketches that our fans voted into the show - fun!) and a launch party for our brand new fancy website. Also, our good friends, the sketch group Pangea 3000 is opening for us. Also, we're having an open wine bar before during and after the show! It's gonna be nuts.

So basically, after rushing like crazy to get there on time from work, it will be tons of mingling, chatting, smiling and being gracious, followed by an hour long sketch comedy show, which is basically non-stop run run run from the beginning for all of us (sometimes it feels like a light cardio workout to me and this is particularly action packed show because it's a Best Of show), followed by more mingling, chatting, smiling, and drinking wine. Oof. Not to mention, we'll probably have to stick around to clean up after. I have no idea what time I'll pour my body into bed tonight, but I'm certain it won't be as soon as I want it to be.

I'm actually - don't laugh - really looking forward to tonight, despite my terrible 'tude. I love doing big shows like this. And it's even more fun because we're doing material that we all really love and enjoy performing and haven't gotten to perform in years. The audience will be filled with fans and supportive friends, so we will definitely have a blast. I'm sure the energy will be electric. If anything can shake my sleepiness, it's the adrenaline from all that.

I only wish I'd gone to bed at 9pm last night. Ah well. Live and learn. And then sleep it off.

Besides my late night last night, yesterday was intense in its own right. I ate really well all day, lots of fruits and veggies and barely went over points (just over by 2 at the end of the night with my gin and soda at the bar), so that was great. But I also worked out. Twice! I went for my Central Park run at lunch, which was lovely, but also really hard because it was 80 degrees here yesterday. So I was really pushing through it and I was really drained when it was over. That fucking park has so many hills! Death. And then, after work was over, I went to a 7:30 pilates class. I wasn't trying to go crazy with the exercise yesterday, but I've been meaning to take this class and it was too perfect of a day to stay inside at lunchtime, so it just worked out this way. But my god, I was spent after all was said and done. And THEN, to make matters worse, I went home and tried out this insanely difficult new ab gadget that Daniel just bought, which basically works your entire body from top to bottom and makes you feel like you're wearing a vest of your own abdominal muscles when you're done. I had to try it out, of course, at 2am, of course, and I did about 6 reps of it felt like I'd just run 2 miles. Slightly sore today. And tired. Did I mention?

Anyway, all's well on the WW front. Feeling good about my momentum this week. Making good choices, getting in a ton of activity. My clothes are fitting better, the scale was down bigtime this morning, and I feel light and healthy. It's nice.

I'm not gonna workout today, even though I brought my clothes with me. It will be good to have a rest day. I'll get something in tomorrow for sure. It would be bliss to call in sick tomorrow so I can stay out late tonight and not worry about it, but it just can't happen. (Since I have to call in sick NEXT Thursday/Friday so I can go shoot Sesame Street. Eeek!)

Saturday we're going to Rockland to visit Kevin's family for Mother's Day. (His parents aren't available on Sunday.) It will be nice to see them and the nephew, Craig, who is gonna be 2 next month. He's a precious babyface. Should be an enjoyable afternoon even though all I want to do right now is burrow into my bed on Friday night and not emerge until Monday morning.


Jesus, I'm the life of the party, huh? ;)

New Week

It's a "new" week, as of today, for my WW life. I weigh the same that I did last week. Who cares.

I'm off to a good start this week and intend to hold onto this tiny bit of momentum. Some good news: my sketch comedy group booked a gig on Sesame Street. SESAME STREET! THAT is super cool to me. So, the point, as it relates to this blog, is that I want to look good on the tv. You know, so the kidlets who watch Sesame will find me attractive and want to date me when they grow up. Nah, I just want to look good on the tv because it's the first real tv show I'll ever be on, in fact it was once my very favorite tv show, and I want to feel good about my ass and how it looks in my jeans. Wouldn't you?

We film next week so hopefully this short term goal can keep me on a great food/exercise track for at least a week. Doing so would likely kick this scale plateau to the curb.

I'd love to see the plateau break. But it's not about losing a bunch more weight - it's more about making sure I'm always at a weight where I can occasionally eat nachos and drink margaritas and not care if said Mexican night causes me to gain 3 pounds. I'm pretty much there now, but a little extra insurance never hurts. Does that make sense? So onward we go.

I have been making more restrictive choices today than usual, food-wise. I just want to TRY to eat a bit less each day this week and see how my brain and body respond. I can't do deprivation. I must eat what I want. Period. But I can make more restrictive choices from time to time and substitute healthy things for cravings when necessary. This is the week to give it my best.

It's so gorgeous in NYC today - I went for a 35 minute run in Central Park on my lunch break. My office is 5 blocks from the park, so it was perfect. I really enjoyed being outside, even though it was a pretty tough run.

There's a pilates class at 7:30 tomorrow night that I can probably make after work/before my improv show if I hussle. So I'm gonna attempt that too. Just looking to shake things up a bit from my regular lifting routine. I could just lift tomorrow night after work, but I feel like I could use a little outside encouragement in the form of a teacher bossing me around.

I'm hungry right now, after eating a relatively light lunch. I might try to find something filling to tide me over until dinnertime. Perhaps banana and PB on an english muffin? We'll see...Hopefully Kev and I will put together dinner from our Trader Joe's bounty when we get back to his place tonight after rehearsal. We have so much good stuff for meals.

I'm sort of excited to eat less for a few days. It's kinda fun sometimes. Is that totally insane? It might be. See me again at 10pm tonight after a glass of wine and a kitchen stocked full of food. Oh yeah, eating less is a fucking laughriot.

Lovely. The boss just left for the day. I’m kicking my feet up, sipping my soda, and setting aside the pile of work in front of me.

I finally bought a new battery for my scale on my lunch break today. Tomorrow morning is weigh-in. I weighed myself at lunch just now and it’s pretty much right where I expected. I seem to have lost another pound, which is nice, and I hope to keep up this slow but steady progress toward feeling really good in all my clothes.

Kevin and I had a lovely, healthy day together yesterday, which is always so thrilling for a huge dork like me. He’s nice not to roll his eyes at me as often as he probably wants to – I get really excited when we’re doing healthy stuff together.

We FINALLY went to Trader Joe’s which has been on my To Do list for weeks, easily. We just haven’t had the opportunity. It closes at ten, I'm never in the neighborhood, who has time to grocery shop, etc. etc. Plus that place is an actual zoo, like, all hours of the day. In fact, I had a dream the other night that we walked in there and it was empty and I could move through the aisles with ease. That’s how packed it is. I’m dreaming about it being not packed.

We got a ton of amazing stuff and took it all back to Kevin's. I was planning to sleep in Brooklyn anyway, so it was just easier to house all the food in his kitchen – not to mention that my kitchen is a danger-zone and nobody ever cooks in it. Anyway, there's now a bounty spilling out of the cabinets in Kevin's kitchen – an organic, inexpensive, healthy bounty. It's really exciting. We made a huge salad for dinner last night AFTER we walked/ran all the way around Prospect Park as the sun was setting. It took us 45 minutes, but it flew by and was much more fun than doing it alone. We weren't going to get in any exercise at all yesterday but we rallied at the last minute, after an unexpected afternoon nap.

We also bought some incredible brownie bite type things that we both loved and ate plenty of throughout the evening. But that’s a different blog entry.

I threw together another salad last night before bed and brought it to work for lunch today. It was so yummy and I’m stuffed now (having also eaten some almonds and some animal crackers and half a bagel).

I have improv practice tonight and then I’m going to see a friend’s show so I doubt I’ll have an opportunity to exercise. It was a good exercise weekend, though, so I feel okay about it. I did something Friday, Saturday and Sunday. I’ll take it.

This upcoming week – my focus is going to be on eating less. It’s nice to have the weight watchers online system to help me keep track because those numbers don’t lie. I just reviewed my food history for the month of April. And I’m simply eating too much each week. I eat an average number of points a day, and it’s too many. That’s the bottom line. No wonder my body is loving his exact weight, despite the increase in exercise. I think my triumphant return to grocery store eating will help that. For money and health reasons, I’m going to do my very best eat the stuff I bought at the store and not eat out as often this week. It’s a shift I’ve been meaning to make for a while and I think I’m ready to give it a serious whirl.

Another reason I love this town.

So, even though today's weigh-in day, I haven't weighed. Didn't weigh last week either. I'm doing the same as always on my plan - exercise and eating wise, pretty consistent. But my stupid scale is dead. And the lithium battery it takes is HARD TO FIND GRRR.

I did well last week - pretty standard. Over flex by 20 something, worked out 4 times. My goal this upcoming week is to eat less and move more. Shocking.

I'd like to get in more cardio this week. I think I can manage that. I took a tiny break from lifting a week or so ago, like two extra days off, and when I returned to lifting, my muscles were MAD and sore. So that was kinda cool. I love feeling like I've worked hard.

I do have something excellent to report, though, for which I have the city of New York to thank. I'm not actually sure if this is just a new NYC ordinance or if it's a state-wide thing or what. Regardless, it's awesome. They've recently passed a law requiring all chain restaurants (so, fast food places, but also places like Starbucks, AuBonPain, Cosi, you get the idea) to POST THE CALORIC CONTENT OF EVERY ITEM ON THEIR MENU IN A LOCATION IMMEDIATELY VISIBLE TO THEIR PATRONS. And so most places have taken to putting this information right on the menu, right next to each food item. And a lot of places even put the info on, for example, the little sign sticking out of the pile of cookies for sale on the counter. It will say "Chocolate Chunk Cookie 450 calories."

That, my friends, is BLISS for a weight watcher. BLISS.

IT'S BLISS.

When I first heard they were planning to pass this law, I thought, "Oh cool, but also, not really gonna affect me THAT much. I mean, I basically already know the caloric content, give or take, for every food on planet earth. It might be nice to have a reminder, though." AU CONTRAIRE. How mistaken I was! This lovely new detail (albeit, arguably, governmental interference in private life but who gives a fuck do you want to be fat all your life?) has actually saved me on now three separate occasions since the law went into affect a couple weeks ago.

1. I was at AuBonPain in the morning trying to grab something for breakfast. I was in a rush and nothing sounded good AND I wanted something warm because it was chilly outside. I hate having to make a healthy decision when I'm in a rush and I don't have all the information, so I was a little stressed. I was standing in front of the warm filled crossiants, about to grab some weird breakfast quesadilla thing, when I glanced up at the sign above the case that and saw the calories were listed right next to the sandwiches. I died from joy. The breakfast quesadilla I was about to grab, thinking I was making the best possible choice, actually contained THREE TIMES the calories as the lowest item on the list, which was the spinach and cheese filled croissant and which, for the record, was only 250 calories. AND IT IS DELICIOUSSSSSSSSSS. I never would have chosen the crossiant if I hadn't had the information. And I'm so glad I did. I've gotten it twice more for breakfast since then and it's so yummy and tastes sinful but ISN'T that bad!! Unreal.

2. Kevin and I had just gotten out of a movie. We were exhausted and starving and we went across the street to Cosi to get some takeout sandwiches before heading home to crash. We opened the takeout menu to discover that all the calories were listed right next to each item. I died from joy. I was beside myself over it. Kevin can attest. It was really sort of ridiculous how happy it made me. But the reason I was so excited was because I didn't have to stand there, brain-drained, weighing all the different options in my mind, considering what I wanted verses what sounded the healthiest verses which items had the restaurant's little symbol for "lighter fare," etc. etc. I could just look at the caloric content, choose the lowest calorie sandwich from the list, make sure I liked what was in it, and order it UP! (I should mention that I also discovered that the items that bared the "lighter fare" symbol, which is a symbol this particular restaurant used well before this calorie law was in place, weren't the items that were the lowest in calorie! In fact, some of them were extremely high calorie! So, I guess "lighter fare" refers to fat grams? Fat grams, which have nothing to do with anything weight control related. What is this, 1989?) I also learned that the spinach artichoke dip, which is very tasty from this place, is surprisingly low in calories (150!) when I never before would have considered ordering that on a healthy night. Kevin and I also learned that this weirdo nasty looking "healthy" granola bar thing they had for sale at the counter was the same fucking calorie amount as the GIANT chocolate chip cookie or the amazing looking chocolate brownie. Come ON! This is info everyone needs to have!!! Who doesn't want a giant cookie?!

3. I went to AuBonPain again today for lunch and chose a cheese/fruit dish that seemed high calorie to me but was actually lower calorie than the other option I was considering. This anecdote isn't as exciting as the previous two.

Now, I recognize that calorie amount is not the be-all end-all of healthy eating. And I also recognize that just because something is low in calories doesn't mean it's not filled with toxic chemicals or doesn't mean it's not extremely high in sugar or trans fat (which is also banned in NYC restaurants, btw). So it's certainly not a blanket solution to unhealthy food consumption. But having the calorie information in front of me when I'm making a food choice is still a welcome piece of information. When I'm deciding what to order, I still consider the type of food (i.e. protein, dairy, carb, veggies) and how much fiber I would imagine it has, and whether or not it's made from natural ingredients or filled with preservatives. I would be in healthy-living HEAVEN if they provided all that info at every restaurant. But they don't. And they probably won't. So having only the calorie information as a guide is a good start as far as I'm concerned.

Obesity is such an epidemic in this country (in NYC, not so much at all, which makes this calorie rule sort of ironic, but I'm not complaining), knowing more information about the food you're eating is an awesome step in the right direction.

My friend at work is eating an apple right now. I just finished a salad for lunch and now I want something sweet. So I'm having my boss get my a cookie while she's out. Hmm. That apple is obviously the better choice. But I want the damn cookie. And I just had a healthy salad. I wonder if I can let the cookie be my one sweet treat for the day and eat fruits, veggies, and lean meats the rest of the day. I bet I can. Let's give it a whirl (cuz I'm obviously eating the cookie...ahem..) and then later tonight after my rehearsal, before meeting up with Kevin, I'll go to the gym and do something physical for 45 mins.

Practice makes progress...

I'm a fan of life, generally. And I try to surround myself with people who feel the same. But regardless, it often gets in the way of my best-laid plans to eat well and exercise.

My friend Emily, who actually just returned to blogging about healthy-living after a hiatus, had this very experience this past weekend. A new baby was welcomed into her family - very exciting - and she spent several days with her family enjoying the celebration. And of course, there was food. Naturally, everyone can relate to this. Part of the social and cultural experience of being alive involves eating and drinking with your friends and family. Food is so incredibly yummy and makes people feel so good, of course we'd want to gather in groups to consume it and of course when we're in groups, we're going to figure out ways to consume it together.

(Incidentally, Emily was the first blogger I ever read. She had a weight loss blog before practically anybody did - at least that's what I experienced in my small frame of reference. She was a huge inspiration for a lot of people when she first started her blog, which documented her weight loss journey. She had a ton of success, lost a ton of weight, and totally transformed her whole life. I definitely know at least a dozen women who began blogging about their weight loss because Emily did it first. She rules.)

So, today is Tuesday, my weigh-in day. I haven't weighed-in because my scale is dead. Gah! The battery, a lithium one, is yet again drained. I swear I'm running through these lithium batteries like it's my job. And they aren't cheap. What scales do you guys use? Do the batteries go quickly? I need to reinvest, I think.

Anyway, this past week was not awful, nor stellar. Pretty middle of the road. There was a lot of little stuff going on - I did four shows, we went to a birthday party, saw a live show, it was super warm this weekend, etc. etc. Lots of tempting reasons to eat and not exercise.

I didn't exercise nearly as hard as I had the week prior. I still got in four workouts, and two of them were nice long runs, but it was not nearly as much exercise as I'd hoped for. I hope to improve that this week. Now that I'm back in the running groove, hopefully the workouts themselves will be more effective even if the time spent isn't quite as long.

I definitely encountered several eating hurdles. Or, more accurately, drinking hurdles. I went out for drinks on Wednesday after an improv show, Friday after an improv show, and Saturday for Katie's birthday. I didn't drink TOO much - just wine and a couple gin and sodas one night, but it was still much more than I'm used to. I also went with some friends to see a comedy show on Sunday night (incidentally, Sunday was 4/20, so there was some mindless eating in that regard as well) and the restaurant we went to (thank you, Sarah, that place was awesome) had such a huge menu with lots of good lookin' shit on it. And I got something yummy and didn't look back.

I don't really know what the scale's saying right now - I haven't been on it in a few days due to the battery fiasco. It was down earlier in the week, but who can say. But I kinda like that I don't know. Because now I can just judge my past week based on my actions, not on a number.

So, overall, okay exercise, but I didn't have enough time to get in what I really wanted to get in. And okay food. I need to go easy on the sweets and limit the alcohol this week. I'm not a big drinker as it is, so I don't mind avoiding it this week. A little sugar detox, if you will.

I will say, though, that I had several salads this week, which I hardly ever do. It was nice and warm outside, I was needing veggies, so I got salad. Then I got it again and again. I'm enjoying it and am going to try to start making them from home (to save the $10 a pop). So that is definitely a good thing. More veggies = always best.

Oh and I went over flex by about 30 this week. Not the 10 I'd hoped for. And not the 24 over I did last week. But not that 42 over I've been known to do either. Fine. I"ll just keep fucking plugging away. Grrr.

I'll try to get a battery (or a new scale) in the next few days. In the meantime, I'm thrilled it's a "new" week for me. It always brings so much possibility with it. I hope to get in four cardio sessions, some lifting and pilates, and I'll keep working to get that flex number closer to ZERO. Nothing too difficult is in the books right now for the week ahead, in terms of food. We are going to a BBQ on Saturday (hi, jeff) but I have a feeling there will be plenty of healthy things to eat. BBQs are usually good like that. :)

Just got back from the dentist. My face is numb. Eating is a struggle. Alas. I won't write about it here, I already wrote enough about it in my regular blog. (Link on the right.)

So. Things are going well on this front. Weigh-in was today. Lost a pound. Not great, but I'll definitely take it.

The last several weeks, I've shown an increase in exercise. I was doing the bare minimum when I got serious about losing a few pounds back in January and I've since upped it a lot. But I think that increase in exercise also caused me to be hungrier (naturally) because even though I've been working out a lot more lately, I've also been going over my flex points each week, as I've mentioned time and again. So it sort of balances itself out and results in minimal or no weight loss.

I would say that this past week was my first week in quite some time of working out really hard AND eating closer to how I should be eating. For example, last week I went over flex points by 42. FORTY-TWO! Wow, I didn't realize it was that high. Yeeps. And this week I only went over by 24. That might still sound like a lot but it's huge progress for me. The last several weeks, including the week I was on vacation in Florida, have been, in retrospect, eating fests. I really don't FEEL like I'm eating that much! That's the funny thing. I make sacrifices every day, scale back on portions all the time, make healthier choices whenever possible. But the numbers show it. I've just gotten used to eating at this "maintenance" level, which would be great if I were hoping to maintain my weight, but I'm not. I'd like to lose ten pounds so I can have a goddammed plate of nachoes or a bottle of wine from time to time and feel like there's some wiggle room there.

So anyway, this past week was much better. I earned 21 APs (activity points for those non-weight watchers - you earn them when you exercise and you can eat some more food based upon them) which is the most I've earned since January 1. Like I said before, I've been conservative with how many APs I reward myself, (thank god, since I've been eating so many points) so I've probably earned more each week than I give myself credit for. But this past week was pretty good in terms of exercise. I exceeded my goal of working out twice over the weekend. I had an excellent workout on Friday night (some running and lifting), on Saturday my friend and I took a lesiurely walk around my neighborhood, but we walked for three hours straight! So that was really good. Then Sunday, Kevin and I popped into the gym while we were visiting his parents for a quick workout. Yesterday, Monday, was great too. I ran for 45 consecutive minutes outside after work. It's the longest I've run in months. It was great and my body and brain loved every second. It's amazing how quickly my body built back up to being able to run for longer periods.

I'm determined to make this week another great one. I'm really feeling my groove at the gym again. Having Kevin there, even if only in spirit, has made a huge difference. It's so nice to know he's working out too. So I don't see the workouts being a problem this week. I'll take today off, though. Sore and tired from last night's run.

Food - I think I can get it down to 10-over-flex, down from 24-over-flex this week. That means plenty of fruits and veggies, healthy filling breakfasts, bring lunches from home, and avoid fried foods and sugary crap. I will lick this if it kills me. Okaaaay.

Here we go.

quickleeee

I'm at Kevin's, heading out the door to meet friends at my house for the painting extravaganza... but I wanted to post a quick update.

Last night was a big success for me, health-wise. I went to the gym after work...I was really looking forward to being there. I'd had a difficult and rainy day and I was exhausted and I just wanted to meditate in that way that exercise allows you to.

I started lifting, and lifted for 25 minutes, when some personal trainer guy came down to the weights area, which had thinned out considerably, but it's Friday night, so I wasn't surprised. He said, "We close at 8." And I looked at the clock and it was 8:05. Fuuuuck. The best laid plans, right? I hadn't even gotten to do half of the workout I had planned. I was pissed to say the least. But THEN he said, you can go to the 24 hour location on 52 and Broadway.

So I did! I went upstairs, got my shit, and left the gym. I was a little concerned about time, because I had to meet a friend at 9:30, but I figured there was still plenty of time to get some cardio in. So I walked the couple blocks to the other gym (I go to NYSC which is like the Starbucks of gyms in NYC. There's one on every corner, it seems.) and arrived only a couple minutes later, still feeling the tingle from my lifting.

I put my shit in the locker room and hurried back out to the equipment, finished lifting (another ten mins) and then got on the treadmill and ran for 20 minutes straight. Yes!! It wasn't nearly as hard as it was last time I ran for 20 straight, which I did about a week and a half ago. I've been running since then, but not all at once...I've been mixing it up with walking, i.e. two minutes running, one walking. So it felt really good to do 20 in a row and it made me really feel like I've made some good progress physically in the last week. (It also cracks me up that I used to do 60 minutes of running without batting and eye and now 20 is a push. Oh, body.) Then I hiked for 10 minutes, stretched, and got the hell out of there.

I walked into the bar at 9:30 on the nose. Nice. I had a couple drinks with my friend (I chose vodka and soda, which I never have, but I wanted the buzz and fewer calories) and some chicken satay for protein and mini pizza, which was gross so I scraped the awful awful cheese off it and just had the pita bread and sauce underneath. Kev showed up a while later, my friend left soon after that, and Kev and I finished our drinks and headed home. I made some popcorn when we got here, just to curb the munchie feeling, had a tiny bit of it and some water and was exhausted. Fell into bed around 2:30.

Good night. Didn't go over points at all!! Really proud of that. And the workout was lovely.

Now I'm headed home to queens to paaaaint, bitches.

Staring down the weekend....

Twenty more minutes until the end of the workday. I'm going to meet a friend for drinks at 9:30 after I hit the gym for a nice long workout. I really need this workout. I've been a grump today - tired and irritable.

I said to Kevin, I think I'm depressed today. He says, Go to the gym!

Who is this man? I love it.

Things are going okay this week, food-wise. I'm doing my best. I've been trying to integrate some of this mindfulness about eating too much sugar/empty crap, which causes hunger and a desire for more sugary crappity. It hasn't actually effected the amount of points (calories) I'm eating in a day yet, but I've been eating more nutritious stuff, so hopefully after a couple weeks of this mindfulness, it will result in consuming less food overall. I've been eating more fruits and veggies, healthier breakfasts, and avoiding fried stuff, so all in all, it's progress.

It's funny to be going around in these same circles, mentally, about how/what to eat that I was in when I first embarked on the weight loss journey. I feel like I could have written the exact paragraph above five years ago. I'm not disappointed by it at all, I don't expect myself to be cured of my desire to nosh just because I've done this all before. I know that this is how the human mind works, in fact. It has to retrace the same pattern dozens and dozens of times before a new groove gets carved out and a new habit is formed. And even then, the old groove is right there waiting for you to slip up and return to its seductive clutches. Blah blah blah, just eat a goddammed apple, ya know?

It's Friday today and I've only worked out on Wednesday of this week so far. So this weekend will probably involve a couple good workouts to make up for it. Sunday, Kevin and I are going to his parents house to hang with the fam/see the nephew. I'm looking forward to it. I enjoy their company and that baby is just to die for. He calls me Jem. Have I mentioned that yet? If not, I'm surprised. Because I've told everyone else who will listen. It's just too precious. His mom, Kevin's sister Lisa, told Kevin that he's been calling every woman he meets lately "Jem." Couldn't you just die over that? It's the sweetest. I want him to live at my house, this baby. But only for a week. ;)

ANNNNYway...I'm planning to paint my bedroom tomorrow, which is good for the ol' bod. And I'll hopefully get to exercise with Kev afterwards. Then Sunday morning we're slotted to play tennis with his dad when we get to Rockland. Should be lovely. Not much of a serious workout, but movement nonetheless. If it's nice out, maybe I'll go for a run in the evening.

Weekends always present food challenges. Tonight will hopefully be easy to navigate. Going to the gym before going out will put me in a healthy mindframe. I'll have a couple drinks afterwards, but nothing too heavy, and a light dinner. And Sunday will of course be tough food-wise too. Family. Brunch. Spreads of food. It's not ideal. But I'll live. My goal is to get through this weekend having worked out at least twice and having eaten within my points each day. It can be done. I know it.

Grrrr.....

The commenter to the post below is correct. I need to be more mindful of the types of foods I'm eating if I want to avoid being extremely hungry and without the points to feed that hunger at the end of every day. That's going to cause overeating every time.

Again, that stupid fine line between eating what's good for your body and eating what you WANT rears its annoying head.

I've been mindful today. Naturally, because why could it be easy, I'm very hungry anyway. But the first day "off" too much useless food is always difficult.

(Don't get me wrong, I'm not gonna stop eating useless food, but I do want to eat a bit less of it for a while. I think I won't be so hungry all the time.)

I gymmed at lunch - 25 mins on the 'mill. Nothing extreme, but it's all I had time for. I can't wait to eat dinner, I'm seriously ravenous, despite eating good stuff today.

I'm irritated by the whole mess.