Standing O and Other Tales

I just woofed down a yogurt like it was the last food on earth. Good.

Hi! I'm back from Saratoga. Not to be confused with Sarasota. Which is in Florida. Which is not where I was. It was very snowy where I was. It's not snowy in Sarasota right now. Feel the difference?

We had a great trip. Listen, traveling's always exhausting. You know it now, settle yourself to that fact. That, that prior sentence, is an example of the sort of thing I said to myself before our trip. And so I had a really nice time on the trip. We stayed in a hotel. We rocked the casbah with one of the sickest show's we've done in a while. We got a standing O from 250 people. We taught workshops to college sketch groups and gave them some pretty good advice. We saw a bunch of comedy, some great, some awful, plenty in between. We went to a party. We overheard and subsequently eavesdropped on a young married couple, whose 2 year old daughter was in the room with them, screaming and yelling about having cheated on one another, a conversation that went on over the course of many hours; some of us took turns standing on the toilet the bathroom listening at the vent, where we could hear every word they uttered. We ate a lot of pizza and dunkin donuts. We played a lot of car games. We got lost. We had a few fights. We arrived home safe and sound on Sunday afternoon and I spent the rest of my weekend enjoying some serious down time. Things is good.

I only took a few pictures before my camera died.




Today, I decompress, reorder my life, exercise, eat a warm meal, lay down in my own bed. Tomorrow my improv group, The Baldwins, has their second-ever show. Can't wait.

Sugar Prison

I know I'm not the first person to call this out, but what is with the fucking office treats?! Nobody is the sort of person that wants to be constantly eating this shit. Nobody. And even if they do want to be eating it, they shouldn't be eating it! Because I'm the fat police and I say so!

We've all exchanged a sing-songy "Uh-oh...whoooo did thiiiis?!" or an "Oh my gosh, I so cannot have that...maybe just a little bite," or an ">eye roll< Not again!" with a coworker when we happen upon each other in a sweettreat-laden kitchen. But it's the very presence of this sort of concern, disgust, and guilty-desire voiced by any and all colleagues over the excessive sweets that baffles me when I see a table of sugartown; if we all hate it, why do we keep providing one another with baked goods?!

Knowwhaddimean?

Blah blah, right? So. The baked goods today were remarkably large and in charge...cupcakes as big as two of my fists, no joke. Hubba hubba. The blurry photo does not do them justice. And there was a laaaarge plate of a variety of meltymoist cookies. I ate very very little of this spread, considering what I'm capable of when spreads are involved.

I'm in a tizzy at work today, very busy and trying to tie up loose ends. I have to call in sick tomorrow in order to go to Saratoga with the HST. (No telling, jerks!)I wish I didn't have to call in sick but I don't have a choice this time. So we're off to upstate NY for the weekend, big sketch fest, fully-packed weekend, staying in a hotel, etc. Yikes.

I had a nice Valentine's Day. I'm not a fan of the holiday on any level; I'd rather poke my own eyes out. But it was with these very low expectations that I had a pleasant night. Ding.

See you on the flipside.

*Later: Sooo, I see that just two posts below I'm bitching about how there aren't enough sweets in my office. Listen. I'm a versatile, malleable, ever-changing human form. Judge not lest ye want candies.

Hot Air

The space heater at my desk just doesn't cut it. After feeling unsatisfied with its performance in the office, I figured I'd try it at home in my bedroom since I'm always freezing at night and warmth is warmth, but roomie and I kept blowing the power when we both had our heaters on. So, once again, I freeze like a little icicle in my bedroom since I brought the heater back to work, where it won't be blowing fuses. (Except for that one time, but I didn't know!) It's still not cutting it, though. I think it would probably have to be an atomic powered fire blazer for me to feel satisfied. I'm freezing. Where's my scarf.

Dear Everyone,

I keep hoping to walk into the kitchen at work and find some sweets. There was a fucking box of chocolates in there at 9:20 this morning and they were gone about 12 minutes later. Animals, these people. I just want a little cookie or a chocolate or something sweet and good. But it's mostly just because I'm BORED LIKE A MOROFF. And I even have stuff to do! But I just get a little tickticknuts during these workadays. I think I have ADD. AddledDrugbrainDisease.

Tonight, I shall exercise after le job. Then eat some din and go see a PIT show with Friend Steve. Should be fun. It's too cold to be outside, in my opinion. But I do a lot of opining that nobody wants to listen to, so feel free to just turn away before I finish this sentence. Opine. Opine. Opine.

Dinggggg. Stir crizaaazy.

I'm gonna go in the bathroom and take this godawful nail polish off. This has gone on long enough. While I'm gone, if you could please find me some chocolates, a sweater, a heating pad, and a cat, it would be appreciated.

Love,

Cold In New York

p.s. Britney, I don't judge you. I get it. Too bad about those two kids though, that was pretty poor planning.....but I guess your mom can raise 'em, right? Good. Here's $50.

I think I have a wisdom tooth coming in!

I'm starting to hate that last post - not entirely sure why...just kinda hate it - but I'm leaving it up. As punishment.

Um, bullet points?

- The Boss just left for the day. I plan to Screw Round due to this development.
- My improv team, The Baldwins, had their first show on Wednesday night. It was a great night and the show was a success. The other new house team, SidViscous!, which is comprised of many of my close friends and companions, also had a stellar show. It was a great night for improv. And a great night for The PIT.
- I'm generally pretty happy right now. :o)
- Today, and today alone, I've elected to use the "o" in my smilie emoticons. Not sure why. Plumper-looking that way?
- Another busy weekend including filming stuff on Sunday and several planned hang outs. Zzzzz.
- Next weekend: Saratoga for the festival we're headlining. Zzzzz...
- I. Can't. Wait. For. My. Tax. Refund. It. Will. Be. Substantial.
- I. Owe. Money. All. Over. The. Place.
- My. Roommate. Has. Every. Right. To. Hate. Me. For. How. Long. I. Haven't. Paid. Him. Back. The. Money. He. Lent. Me. While. I. Was. Unemployed.
- Oh well! Whachoogondo? :o)
- I hate cleaning my room. I'm not home that often. So it stays pretty fuckin' messy.
- I think I'll drop some laundry off when I go home at lunchtime.
- Now I've just turned this into a To Do List for myself.
- Drop off laundry.
- Clean up apartment on Saturday during the day.
- Exercise tonight and tomorrow.
- Organize finances during workday today.
- Eat healthy this weekend. Fat = nobody likes that.
- Puke up the sausage you had for breakfast.
- Not really.
- Bye.

this probably won't be interesting if you don't know us...

Clayton's post inspired me to jot down some of my favorite memories from the trip. First of all, I’d like to point that he’s only slightly mistaken regarding one little detail. The Jen Curran pull-string joke did not happen in the first five minutes of the trip, but well into the trip, after I'd had sufficient time to become my rotten old self. I mean, come on, Clayton. Auschwitz. Get it together.

Anyway, even though we were only gone for three days and have been back for just as many, I love reminiscing about what stupid idiot morons we are. We laugh a LOT. So here, in no logical order, are my favorite parts of the trip, as retold in a grammatically butchered fashion (I mean, what verb tense do you use in these situations?!):

1. Faryn, who is notoriously O.C.D. about everything relating to our shows, often wants to over-rehearse. We love her, we adore her, she’s our TD and her persistence is almost always a blessing in disguise, but sometimes you just have to let stuff go and trust yourself. So just before our second show, after we’d completely warmed up and had maybe 45 seconds before places, Faryn blurts out in a panic, “Does anyone wanna run lines for ER?” which is a sketch we’ve done probably 50 times onstage alone, not even taking into account the millions of times we’ve rehearsed it. (No. Nobody wants to run lines for ER. We’d rather drill holes through our empty sockets after our eyes have been gouged out by rabid sketch comics than run lines for ER. Running lines for ER is like reciting the Pledge of Allegiance just for practice.) So everyone stops in shock (“Can she really be this obsessive compuslve?”), a beat of silence passes, and then, despite Just Before Showtime being considered a sacred time of group support and love no matter who’s hating who, Adam says, “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.” And then we teased her for the rest of the night. Poor Faryn. She’s Farynoid. And she knows it.

2. Billy and I in the backroom of the performance space after the show, deciding to go out to the bar and “find some Pennsylvania chicks” but instead happening upon Adam and the transvestite on the dance floor. I don’t need to expound. If you were there, you know what happened. If you weren’t, you don’t want to know what happened. If you ever go to King of Prussia, PA and catch a glimpse this glorious woodland creature, you’ll regret your ability to see three-dimensional shapes.

3. Billy guessing what song the DJ would play next and getting it right every single time. SOMEbody used to DJ at Hot Skates on Long Island. Ooo-la-la.

4. Me threatening Billy with our getting married and everyone on the team jumping on board and driving him craaazy all weekend. “What kind of flowers do you want, Jenny?” “What will your song be?” I said as long as our song is “Looks Like We Made It,” I don’t care what else they play.

5. Billy, on the dance floor on Saturday night, dancing by during “Tainted Love” and whispering to me, “This is what they’ll play at our wedding.” HA. That jerk.

6. Chris mimicking a news anchor flub he saw on YouTube: “The top cock….Top…cock…” and it never getting old no matter what. He’s hilarious like that.

7. Adam's incredulousness at Rebecca sneaking out of bed on Sunday morning before anyone else was awake and getting in and out of the shower like a little tiny mouse even though it was soooo not her turn to take a shower first. Several people had to take cold showers the day before, particularly Adam, because several others, (yes, me, but Rebe too!) used all the hot water.

8. Rebecca leaving a message on Adam’s phone saying, “Sorry about the shower, Adam. But fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, shame on me. Fool me four times, shame on me. Fool me five times…”

9. Katie, on the trip back, reporting to us how warm she was and how badly she had to pee…every 15 seconds…in various forms of whining, yelling, and whimpering…for a full 10 minutes. Non-stop. Because we all wanted to listen to it. Because nobody else was hot and had to pee……

10. Katie saying to Sara who was sitting on the bus in her winter coat, “Aren’t you hot with that coat on?! I’m dying over here!” And Sara responding with, “I guess I’m just more easy going than you are.”

11. Billy calling everyone’s phone while sitting directly next to us on the bus and when we answered saying, “Hi, this is Keith Huang from the PIT.”

)(#&!%)(*$#T)(U@aaaaaack!

I feel like I've unsuspectingly happened upon a luge ramp and am, without even having much of a chance to look around, being whisked down the ice tunnel at speeds faster than I ever imagined. It's semi-terrfying. But, surprisingly, there's something incredibly relaxing and awesome about giving over to the natural momentum of it all. I just did not expect to find myself here. Like, ever. I'll continue to be vague since I know how much you like it.

Yo. Guys. Things are good, okay? I'm happy? Get it? I'd like to return to the gym; I can't stop thinking about how I feel like I'm filling my clothes out a little more than I used to and about how MUCH HARD WORK I put into lifting and running last year and how RIDICULOUSLY AWFUL it feels to be slacking a little bit. However, it could easily be argued that I'm obsessing about that because I have nothing else important to obsess about. Listen, I'm a hoot. Take it or leave it.

My new improv group had a great first practice last night. The practice itself was short and quick, but we hung out afterwards, all 9 of us, and the conversation was lovely - we really got to know one another better. I hope to become good friends with them. Our official team name was decided last night: The Baldwins. I likes it.

Diet Dr. Pepper

Some photos from le trip:







I just ate plenty of cake. :( My boss comes back tomorrow. I don't even know what that means. I have improv practice tonight for my brand new house team. Radical.

Well I'm already on the computer.

Back! Home. Phew. Good trip, good trip. I look forward to uploading some of the photos. We had fun.

It's always so tiring, traveling, even if it's only for a couple of days. We had a blast but we exerted a lot of energy in the process. Oh, excuse me.. and we exerted a lot of energy in the process. We did 3 shows, we danced the night away, we did some quaint siteseeing, and some perusing at the mall. It was a lot of fun. Plus the sleepovers and the eating and the drinking. We have a good time together, almost always. Highlights included Billy's bloody nose at the top of the second show and a scary tranvestite who wanted to dance with Adam.

Going over to Billy's to watch the Super Bowl. Gonna have a few beers. Happy. Back in New York. Best city on earth.

I packed two pairs of pants....that should be plenty.

On my way to Philly for the weekend to do three shows. We'll be back on Sunday afternoon. These mini-trips always take me by surprise. Whaaat, I'm supposed to be away from my cat and that other cat and that other cat for 3 days? Fine. Fine, fine, I hear there's good food there.

I suppose it will be nice to be away. It will help with perspective and what not. And next week at work will actually be busy again.

We had sushi last night. I was still hungry when it was over.

Bye!

What if I blink?

This is the view from my window at work. I'm tucked away in a corner of the floor with my own little area next to the CEO's office. My computer faces me and a window and nobody else (oh you dirty girl, get off the bad part of the internet!) so I have a nice little nest back here that's mine all mine. Until April at least. Arguably, the view from my window leaves something to be desired, but I've actually become quite accustomed to it and sort of enjoy its ambiguity. Not to mention, if you stand on your toes and lean forward just so, you can see the upper half of the Hercules statue that sits atop Grand Central. There's steam constantly billowing from the top of all these immense buildings, who's roofs and top floors are all I can see, which makes me feel like I'm getting a secret glimpse of a massive urban factory, like I'm the only witness to a real life Behind the Music about Functional Midtown Architecture. There are many amazing things about living in New York, any New Yorker will tell you, but one really exceptionally amazing thing that you can't quite grasp until you experience first-hand is the fact that you, a human, end up developing intimate, personal, private relationships with stuff that's not human...like buildings or street corners or particular nooks and crannies of the city that hold meaning to you in some way...or that don't hold meaning to you in some way, but just strike you for some reason....or tables at restaurants or doorways where you always see that homeless guy or particular staircases in the subway. New York is the loneliest place on earth sometimes and it's these pieces of the city that you putter past, day in and day out, that keep you grounded and connected, even if you go an entire 24 hour period without speaking to another human soul.

I'm sure a time will come when I remember that I was happy during these few weeks and I'll wonder what it's gonna take to get that back. And I'll remember being happy and why I was happy and I'll miss these happy feelings. But for now, they ain' goin anywhere. Things are good lately. Really good. Scary good, like, is this my life? And why do I deserve this? And what quantity of canned goods should I set aside to be prepared for when it all comes to a crashing halt? But I do deserve it. And even if it all goes away tomorrow, I'll have had it for this long. Good things really do come all at once and I feel an abundance lately.

Now if I could just lose ten pounds. ;) *

*Sick how I had to ruin a perfectly good post with that, huh? Too bad. I'm a woman. And I can feel my thighs rubbing together right now.....

Lemme just tell you this stuff....

I just ate four not that small cookies. Okay?

I made an improv house team! Yay! That was fun, the audition weekend, and I'm glad it's over and I'm psyched about my teammates and getting to play regularly with people I really admire. Very cool. We're gonna have so much fun.

And I had a great night last night in celebration of a weekend's worth of hard work. (The Sunday morning callback was from 9-12 which doesn't sound awful and it's not, but it is tough to wake up early on a Sunday and feel like having fun and being funny.) After we all got our phone calls, I met up with Keith, Steve, Kevin, and Chris at a bar on St. Marks and we drank until duskish and then parted ways. The night wore on with good friends and I am in a good place today. Keith takes good pictures.

I don't have plans tonight. That sounds about right. I'm gonna go home, nap, exercise, eat dinner, clean up, watch tv, go to sleep. You know, that sorta order of things.

Kevin's cat is insanely cute. My cat is also very cute, but Kevin's cat is very cute.

I'm happy today.

I had a rough day yesterday that turned into a really surprising evening and I'm happy about it today.

Life is so great like that with its suprises. Ohh, Life...you get over here, you rascal.

Ooof, I'm TIRED, though. I didn't get enough sleep last night or the night before and the next few days are about to be a bit hectic as well. Tonight is Rebecca's 24th birthday (adorable), tomorrow I have an audition to be on an improv team and then we have a sketch show in the evening, Sunday will be callbacks for the improv team audition and then I have a rehearsal afterwards. Good god. Monday night I have off, but Tuesday night I'm going to see Kevin's sketch show, Wednesday night I have to perform in a show and go to a rehearsal, and then Friday morning I'm going to Philly for the weekend to do three shows with Harvard Sailing Team! Ooof! WhatEVER omg zzzzzzzz.

I can handle it though. I'm looking forward to the busy-ness in some strange way. I'm also hoping to (when?) find some time to exercise more often. I had to cancel my gym membership so it's really my responsbility to make it happen now. That's my main priority in the next calendar week, exercising at least 4 times. That and playing with as many cats as possible.

the pleasant hum of a routine

I got paid today, my third reasonably sized paycheck since my return to the work force. And even though all of the money I've made so far is already allotted to debts I wracked up, public and private, while unemployed; and even though I don't yet have quite enough money to pay back those whom I've agreed to pay back by when I've agreed to pay them back; and even though I can spend basically no dollars and no cents between now and sometime in February, I still feel a sense of abundance and responsibility that I haven't felt in a while. If something horribly awful happened.......I'd be able to take a cab to it. Ya know? So...that's gotta count for something. It brings me back to a sense of semi-security that I was completely without for two solid months. Additionally, I feel some true pride at the fact that I haven't squandered away the money I've been making, which is owed to other places, on crap for myself like beers and cabs. Like, I can go to therapy tonight and hand her a check that won't bounce. Hmm, 26 and still learning to earn more than she spends. Is this America, or what?!?!?!

The blog link on the right called "Arnie" links to a blog that I like a lot. Arnie used to write another blog before he started the one that that link will take you to. The other blog is called "A Year In Pictures Following The Break-Up," and it is fantastic. I've never met Arnie, even though we actually happen to know a few of the same people. He doesn't know me and he probably doesn't know I link his blog to mine. (Now it's creepy.) Anyway, my friend Sarah (also linked on the right) recommended his blog to me a few months ago. If you've never read it, I suggest you try it out. You can get there from his current blog. Start at the beginning. I spent yesterday at work re-reading it. Because I have nothing to do at this job. And because I'm in love with boys, boys who are capable of falling in love, boys with feelings, boys with cute blogs, improv, Chicago improv, and boys who do Chicago improv. At least for today that's what I'm in love with.

Check back tomorrow, when I'll be in love with any number of other things, most of which will depend on what I watch on tv this evening or whether or not I hear any funny stories about cute things between now and then.

This one might be all over the place.

Billy WON the freestyle rap competition. It was amazing. The whole night was a blast. Ask me sometime, I'll tell you all about it.

There is so little going on at work that I'm craving some tasks or hobbies. I learned to use the self-timer on my camera. Then the phone rang.

I have some "things" I'd like to "work on" this week, like eating more slowly and being more frugal and enjoying the simple things during my alone time and putting the cap back on the toothpaste. I usually do that last one, but I want to keep doing it, ya know?

It was an interesting weekend, nothing exciting, but interesting nonetheless. I wonder what it would be like if I just *snap* learned to be happy with exactly how things are.

Like these guys. We could all learn a thing or two from these guys. Needless to say, in this photo, they'd just come back from an ice cream and cheesecake run.

Look at those dimples!

Tonight, one of my very very very best friends, Billy, is competing in a free style rap competition at this comedy/improv venue. I. Can't. Fucking. Wait. Fuck. First of all, I adore this kid and if he ever reads this he'll just say, "Sick." But I adore him and he knows it. I wanna marry him and he knows it. Second of all, he is, as I mentioned, one of my very best friends of all time. Thirdly, he's a fellow HST member, so there's love and support flowing through me for that reason as well. You know, teammates.

Anyway, this competition is gonna be hilarious. I know one of the other kids who's competing too. And get this, there are two GIRLS in the competition! Is there any better way to spend a Friday night than watching some girls free style rap? No, is the answer.

I hope a big crowd comes out tonight for Billy. He's a pretty popular and likable guy, so I don't think it will be a problem. Dang am I excited.

I should have left the office 15 minutes ago....

...but I didn't, so....

1. I am easily crazy. EASILY. It's just a matter of a few uncomfortable events and BAM, crazytown. I mask it really well. And then sometimes I don't. But my closest friends and confidants know the whole truth. And I'm willing to accept that they hate me a little bit for it. It's only fair.

2. My therapist would take umbrage with almost all of the above sentence. Eff that.

3. Level 5 class show tonight. Great, fine, letsdoit. I'll wear this ol' thang.

4. When you exercise, you feel better. It's like math.

5. It's COLD here. Fine, it's not that cold, everybody stop yelling. But I find it COLD. Okay?! Can't I be my own person?! Gawd.

6. Cats = exactly.

7. I've been getting plenty of sleep lately. That's WONderful.

8. Keith. We're getting married. You and me. Tonight's the rehearsal dinner.

9. Bye !

Those Are Some Boys I Know

I can't get warm enough today. I slept with three comforters last night, I woke up this morning and refused to shower because I couldn't stand the idea of going outside with wet hair oh GOD, and I fatefully discovered a space heater (Space heater, Sarah! I just remembered what they're called!) under my desk that has become my new best friend, mother figure, and life partner in a matter of hours. I'm really easy to get to know if you're heating my office area with warmth.

I'm not feeling as fat as I felt yesterday. An hour of cardio helped. It's really funny (sad?) (sort of a mental illness?) that the difference of 3 or 4 pounds can instantly take me from feeling normal to feeling obese. I don't think I've ever had a normal body image thang goin' on. And you throw two breast reduction surgeries and a 100+ pound weight loss into mix...fuhgettaboutit.

I'm looking forward to spending a night with myself. I had some mixups at the bank which means my delicious paycheck isn't available until tomorrow, so an evening at home sounds just about right. I have rehearsal until 8:30. After that, I think I'll head home, find some supper, tidy up my bedroom, light some incense, put on whatever good program I have tivoed, and pour myself a glass of wine to enjoy. Oh feck, I need to do laundry. I forgot. Okay, so Do Laundry. Then all the rest of that stuff. Maybe I'll drink the wine while doing the laundry. Ohh, look at this little plan shaping up.

Fat.

So I'm feeling pretty fat today. I overate a ton this weekend. Sunday and Monday (holiday weekend) were both just wrought with excess eating of the easily avoidable variety. It was like I just didn't care. It's rare that you'll find a weight-loss related post on this here blog, but I feel it's due.

I weighed in at WW this past Friday, assuming I'd had one of the better weeks I've had in a while. I got in some good workouts, I'd eaten well, I was feeling thin. But when I weighed in, I had only lost .4 of a pound. Somehow this wasn't enough for me, even though as I see it written down now, I regret that I hadn't been thrilled with a "loss" at all. The point is, I must have felt like it was time to inflict a little damage, for whatever sad and pathetic self-sabotage-related reason, because I overate more than I have in months. It was pretty gross. I had three pieces of pizza at one point.

I took a lot of naps this weekend.

This is something that makes me feel awful about myself -- when I overeat to the point of gluttony. I'm feeling pretty awful about myself now. I want to erase it all from having happened. And mostly, I just want a whole week to go by wherein I eat really well all week long. That's particularly hard to do. Let's add to the fire that I've had to recently cancel my gym membership because of money constraints. I'm a worker-outter. I love it. And i need it in order to get the fats off me. I have my gym bag packed with me at work this evening. Apparently I think I'm just going to knock on gym doors until someone takes me in.

Alright, 2007. Not just yet with the eating. Let's lose some fucking weight, you JERK.

CAT!

Kevin got a new cat!

I've been sitting on this information for several days now because he very specifically directed me not to "steal his thunder" by announcing this to our mutual friends before he did. I inadvertently told MY (and his - fine.) friend Sara about it and he almost hurt himself reeling from the sheer agony and disappointment of what I'd done, so I vowed to be x about it until he'd been able to get the word out himself. I'm like a goddammed saint.

But I think he's offically told people, including Ian, for whom I was most concerned about ruining the surprise. You know, since you're such a surprise-whore, Ian. Especially when fuzzy pets are involved.

Anyway, here're three (KRG) photos of the little peanut. His name is Chaucer and he's very very sweet and loving and a little skiddish but I think he'll get over that. Now, these are cute photos, but dare I say, he's much more adorable in person.

Yay cats!!! I love when my friends get cats! Everybody! Get some cats!

Wook at da sweet babee faaaace, awwwww...

whatever. i only slept 4 hours last night.

Why do I feel blah today? Why, on earth, do I feel blah today? I've had so many good days in a row. That's probably it. Too many good days = here's a blah day. I wouldn't be me without those parts.

Names I wish were my name because 'Jen' isn't as charming as I would like:

Sarah (yup. you heard it here first. email me later.)

Mary (my middle name. a very very pretty name. Mary. Hi, I'm Mary.)

Annie (sometimes i hate this name. sometimes i love it. naaah, it's too cutsie, forget i said anything.)

Trisha (my cousin's name. and what Tim and Yang call me when we're at the Bar.)

I was in a pissish mood last night. I had improv class, during which I was hungry, pissy, and not talented. Then I went to Kevin's for a good reason that I'll tell you about later. When I got there, though, I was just a pisser. I wasn't being unpleasant, necessarily, but I wasn't being pleasant. I was just so tired. And hungry! So hungry! No matter what I ate! Still hungry! And that part sucked. And it was a damn shame because it would have been great if I had been in a better mood on this particular night. I kept trying to cheer up but I couldn't. He was trying hard to cheer me up which made it somehow worse for everyone. I'm sure it wasn't as bad as I thought but I feel crappy about the whole thing. I'm planning to move away to a cave. I have therapy tonight so it will be good to discuss some of these finer points.

Here's a thing: I've never understood love. Never. I had sex at a very early age and I think it tarnished my otherwise gentle disposition toward life.

Yes, Clayton, I heard you laugh at that.

What is there to anything, ya know? Like, why not just Be Happy all the time because someday, someday sooner than later apparently if last Saturday is any indication, this city is gonna fall into the ocean and I'm not lookin to move home to the burbs knowwanimean? I don't even know what i mean. Nevermind. I have no idea about anything. That's the truth.

Oh, no, no, we don't SAIL.

Some members of the real Harvard Sailing Team, like, the actual team, like, the ones who sail on boats and are called Harvard Sailing Team because they are from Harvard and they sail, came to our show on Saturday night!! Don't we all look so happy and collegiate? Also, look how great I look in blue. ;)

....what?

This day at work has been a mindfuck. Not really, but it's certainly been bizzy and hectic and I only just now had some lunch, phew, and now I'm sitting here enjoying some quiet time, sipping on a fresh cup of coffee, nibbling on some grapes and sweets (somebody put some RIDICULOUSLY delicious big fat peanuts in the breakroom - roar), and gearing up to do another couple hours worth o' junk before I can leave for the day. I've got a bunch to get done. And then I'm gonna go exercise when I leave here.

See how if I say it outloud I might actually go do it?

I mean, there's easily ten things I could discuss right now - like how I've been feeling fattish lately which is easily fixed - but I'm sleepy and have work to do and would kinda rather just not pick apart the whole world, right? I had a good weekend, despite a few minor hiccups, and it's probably going to be another busy week. Is that generic enough?

I need new shoes. Dress shoes. For work. Send me what you've got. Nothing open toed, I've never cared for those.

so what

Umm...what....

need a shower real bad - am v. tired - have to have drinks with a friend tonight with whom i want to have drinks, but am v. tired - miss my cat - work is good and fine and going well - i will get my first normal human being paycheck in almost three months on wednesday of next week and i'm taking you all out to dinner - i take that back.

My Level 5 class had a show last night. It was fine. I cried afterwards. But I think that might be a combination of things including that I was really hungry. Still. Improv shouldn't make one cry. It's hard sometimes, the performanth.

Kevin might be getting a cat soon and I'm abnormally excited because I love cats and I'll get to visit it occasionally and I love cats.

I love cats.

My new boss is dashing and nice enough and taught me how to make a "proper cup of tea" at 9:35am this morning.

Bullet points and a nice photo should do the trick.

- I wonder if they, at this new job of mine, are tracking what websites I go to and how often I go to them. Because they will be very amused to see me refresh www.britneyspears.com 26 times in one hour.

- I'm teasing.

- It's 46 times in one hour.

- I'm teasing.

- It's www.hillaryduff.com.

- The CEO I'm assisting will be arriving in New York this afternoon for the first time since I started this job. I will meet him in a few hours. I'm very nervous. I didn't sleep well because of it. Where was this sort of zealous work ethic when I was at my old job?

- The mysterious womb pain comes and goes and might be the beginning of mono or just a bad case of baby-in-tummy. Nah. I think I just need to eat more veggies.

- I have my first Level 5 Class show tonight for my Level 5 improv class. Barf city, I'm nervous about that too.

- Things I'm not nervous about include: talking to friends, eating, showering, watching tv, eating, showering.

- I think AOL IM makes me neurotic and I will not be signing on today. Except I can't figure out how to uninstall it from my computer. Fate?

- If I wake up in the morning to get ready for work and my roommate is also awake getting ready, I automatically hate him, wonder why he can't just stay out of the kitchen until I'm done changing (the door to my room is off the kitchen and doesn't close properly), and am at least a little bitchy just so he knows he's trespassing by being human.

- I was an only child.

Some classmates:

High Tea and My Womb

At my new job, they do "High Tea" every Wednesday at 3pm. Yes, I laughed when I first heard this. Yes, I'm not-so-nice like that.

And then Kevin said, "Tell them you'll show them what else is high, an hour and twenty minutes later."

So I have this bizarre crampy type thing going on in the ol' womb. And my period has already ended for the month (sorry, Keith*) so it seems suspicious. Perhaps I'm not drinking enough water. And my joints ache in weird places. I mean....does this spell terminal disease? No. It doesn't.

Being back in a work routine is nice. It certainly takes my mind off the bigger issues like Being Crazy and Being Neurotic and Inflicting My Crazy Neuroses On People Who Don't Realize It's Too Late For Their Timely Escape.

I'm still learning the ropes of the new gig, naturally, and it all seems pretty simple. I REALLY don't wanna screw it up. But I also REALLY wanna check my email sometimes. Right? I think the big main boss man comes back tomorrow. Nervy about that. Hope I don't trip. Feck.

Oh! Oh! AND. Did anyone see Oprah yesterday? Because it was about teens. And it was moving. And I actually stayed up to watch it on the tivo last night and cried like a little tiny baby. It was moving. Fuh rilz.

So I'm considering venturing out of my comfort zone and making plans with someone that I kinda don't wanna make plans with only for fear it will mess up other stuff in my life. But doesn't that just seem like crazytown? Make the plans, right? Let stuff get messed up, right?

My womb hurts.

*It dawned on me, Keith, that besides my friend Ian (hi, Ian), you're the only boy I know of who reads this blog but doesn't necessarily want to hear about my menstrual cycle. Now, that statement implies that there are boys who read this blog who want to hear about my menstrual cycle. And I would argue that,yes, there are. Clayton. That said, I just don't want to upset your delicate sensibilites. Or give you any further insight into issues relating to my womb than you already received last night. WHEN WE DID AN IMPROV SCENE ABOUT GETTING PREGNANT, PEOPLE! God, you guys are sickos.

Got the camera to do its thang..phewww

Okay, now it's really 2007, I swear.

I stole this from my friend Sarah's blog. I hope she won't mind.

1. What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before?
Spent an evening in jail.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't know if I had any resolutions last year, but if I did they were likely not kept.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
My good friend's sister, but that doesn't totally count because it's not my sister, and I've never met the baby.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No, thank god. I have been so blessed in that respect.

5. What countries did you visit?
None!

6. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?
More self-discipline in the form of making decisions that serve my body and mind positively.

7. What dates from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Feb. 14 because the roommie and I were arrested and October 12 because I was fired. I hope to improve these stats in 2007.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Completing 4 out of 5 levels of improv classes, HST's constant awesomeness, maintaining a 100 pound weight loss, despite lots of obstacles in the form of cookies and cakes.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Getting fired from my job for making a horrible error in judgment. Not accepting soon enough that it's okay to ask for help and admit to struggle.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Nope.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
My ipod. Which has since gone missing. Do you have it? Please return it to me, no questions asked. I'll be buying a new one with my tax refund. Roar.

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
My friends for being awesome when I got fired, financially and otherwise. My mom for being normal when I got fired. My grandma for being the opposite of her usual self when I got fired. My roommate for paying my rent for the months I was without work.

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
Someone at my old job, an ex-boyfriend...but nothing so serious that I actually cared. Let it be, I say.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Bills, partying, cab rides.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
HST, improv, when my cat's drain got removed from his back.

16. What song will always remind you of 2006?
That one with the lyrics, "So you had a bad day.." and the other one that goes, "I'm obsessin' just because you know mah naaame." Not because of the lyrics, though. Just because I heard them a lot.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? happier. the circumstances of my reality might not be a lot better (or worse, for that matter) but my perspective on them is. i'm learning to be content with exactly what is. and to see the realities in my life as extensions of the choices i make. i'm not a victim, i'm a volunteer.
b) thinner or fatter? slightly fatter. like three pounds fatter. fine.
c) richer or poorer? poorer. sad.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Gone to therapy, exercised healthier behaviors in body and mind.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Spending money I didn't have, lying, obsessing, smoking, crying in the bathroom at my old job.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
Spent it. At Grandma's. It was just fine. Lovely, even.

21. How will you be spending New Years?
Spent it. At a friend's. On the couch. Was fine. Lovely, even.

22. Did you fall in love in 2006?
No. I can't say I did.

23. How many one-night stands?
None. Puleeze.

24. What was your favorite TV program?
I probably watched more Dr. Phil than anything, but as far as TV goes, this wasn't a banner year for me. Scrubs made an appearance near the end of the year. I heart Zach Braff.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Nah. Plus, why hate. Or, if I hate them now, I hated them then too.

26. What was the best book you read?
A Million Little Pieces.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
My ipod. Which has since gone missing.

28. What did you want and get?
An ipod. Which has since gone missing. And a digital camera. And a new job before the year ended. And a nice winter coat that isn't as long as that other huge coat who's zipper is broken anyway. New glasses! Thanks, Mom.

29. What did you want and not get?
Another ipod. Another cat. A new apartment. A million dollars. A new apartment. Several pairs of new shoes.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Hmm, I enjoyed The Departed. I can't even think of what else I saw. Oh, I also loved The Devil Wears Prada. I saw that in the theater on a Monday afternoon at 5pm by myself. Oh and just under the wire, viewed on December 29, Come Fly With Me, about Michael Jordan.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 26. I had an improv class and later that week, a night out with friends. Twas fine. Nothing special.

32.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
A nicer apartment combined with more financial security.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?
Ha. THIS fits me?? Cool! Does it come in black? Oh, I can't afford it? Okay, I'll just wear these 8 shirts over and over.

34. What kept you sane?
Improv, new friends, old friends, HST, my CAAAAAAAAAT.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I won't lie, I always follow Britney. And she announced her split from K-Fed on my birthday this year. And I'm strangely drawn to Angelina and Brad, probably because he looks like my Uncle Gil. I definitely have a thing for Ricky Gervais, though. Oh and that Lebron James. Mmmmmmm...

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Well the hanging is fresh in my mind, so I'll say that.

37. Who did you miss?
Stephanie. Sometimes Steve, though I reconnected with him in December. Clayton until he came back from Hawaii.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
Sarah, Steve, Keith, lots of pitizens.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006:
You control your own destiny through the choices you make each day, no matter how mundane some of them might seem. You can only make account withdrawls against your life for so long before you have to put something back into the bank. So if you want something different for tomorrow, make a different choice today.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
So you had a bad day...

Cautious Optimism

Good day. I'm sitting at my new job. There's still the pesky business of my officially meeting the man who I'll be assisting, though we spoke on the phone for the first time this morning. He won't be in the office until Thursday or Friday, which means, if he hates me, I'm out on the curb.

But he won't. I'm adorable. Plus, I have Irish eyes. (And he's Irish. Duh.)

I woke up this morning feeling the opposite of dread, which is nice. It's been a while since I've been in a regular work-a-day routine and the last time I was in a regular work-a-day routine, I had been in that routine for a year and a half and it was just about sucking my blood dry. It's very nice to have a fresh start with new faces and new tasks and new responsibilities which can be put off in the interest of surfing the web!

Nah, I'm gonna be all over this job, on task, on point, on top. I haven't quite begun yet, but I'm just getting my sea legs, as it were. I have a few reservations to make, some calendars to update, some voicemails to see about. It all seems pretty simple. I will be nervous, naturally, once the man finally arrives and is a fixture in the office, but I'm sure I'll get used to that too.

I woke up this morning feeling the opposite of dread, perhaps I was even feeling some excitement. I'm grateful for the opportunity to start fresh with this new year.

I spent the last year doing a lot of instant gratification type stuff. 2006 was a year of being a kid for me. I spent a lot of my late teens/early twenties in a really difficult place, emotionally. And let's not forget the crippling weight gain. I never really participated in the drinking, the sexing, the partying. I never felt good enough about myself to think I deserved to have a mindless good time. So I got thin and spent 2006 partying. I became more of a regular social drinker this year, I went out more often, I smooched more often, I became the 21 year old I never got to be. Except I'm 26. So it made my joints ache more.

I'm comfortable now, I think, letting go of some of that. I still want to have a good time, but I don't feel like I need to go out and get ridiculous. It was a fun year, 2006, but it definitely took it's toll on my body and mind. I gained some weight, only a few pounds, but still. I lost my job. I spent more money than I had to spend. I definitely didn't smoke less, if anything I smoked more. I reentered therapy after realizing I wasn't ready to leave it. I had some boy drama. I had some ex-boy drama. I even had some cat drama. So 2006 was sort of a debaucherous year and I can't help but think that my hedonism impacted things I never thought it would. It was a fun year. It was a party year. It was a hard year. It was a year of testing and learning about my limits. And perhaps, hopefully, it was a year that has inspired me to set some new limits.

I'm excited, today, about being a responsible employee, about relearning a work ethic I lost for a while, about exercising and eating right because it makes me feel so good, about going home tonight after my improv class and going to sleep at a reasonable hour without doing lots of extra stuff. I'm excited, mostly, about recognizing that this silly anxiety that I've felt my whole life, this need to check-in and make sure the categories of my life all feel in place at all times, is just that: silly. And that if I breathe and relax and quit worrying all the time, I might give myself the room to make some good decisions n stuff.

Oh and I got a new camera. Lemme try to....hmph....hold on...grrr....I'll try to....damn you blogger! Hmph...okay....gimme a minute...i'll be back....grrrrr...

2007

January 1. It's officially 2007.

I did absolutely nothing for the new year, rang it in with a good friend, sitting on a couch, watching dick clark. We had some wine and some beer and some fried chicken. I did a few sudoku. Sudokus? Is that the plural? Or is it like deer. I did a few deer.

Anyway. The holidays were fine, they've come, they've gone, I'm eager to get my groove back in 2007. There are a few key things which need my attention.

I'm grateful for/curious about starting my brand new job tomorrow. I had a couple days of "training" before the holidays, but the real solo gig starts tomorrow morning at 9am sharp. It's already 6pm! Where the fuck....

I sorta can't believe this vacation week is over. Tomorrow night I'll go to improv class, Thursday night I have a show, Saturday night I have a show, things will be back to normal.

With the opportunity for renewal and refreshment on my plate, I'm eager to refocus on some healthy eating and some good, solid exercise. I'm eager to refocus on some self-improvement stuff like smoking less and honoring my body and mind more often. I'm eager to work on my new year's resolution of telling the truth more often. I'm eager to spend more time at home, in a clean room, with a happy cat. I'm eager to spend a LOT less time obsessing about certain stuff and letting go about other stuff and making good decisions by honoring the things I value.

Happy New Year. I prefer to be unceremonious about these things.

Bound

After missing my flight yesterday, waiting in a 3 hour line to reschedule it, a nice gentleman behind the counter giving me the Christmas gift of not charging me the extra billion dollars to change the flight, dropping a $50 bill in the bank that someone walked off with two seconds after it hit the floor, buying my mom an awesome gift that she'll love but leaving it at a friend's house and not having enough time to go get it before I fly out today, and seeing a horrible movie last night that was a huge waste of 2.75 hours of my life...I'M FINALLY HOMEWARD BOUND!!!!!

I fly out at 3:10. I'll leave for the airport in about an hour, maybe less. We'll get to my grandparents house in Quincy by 10pm, all together too late for an appropriate Christmas Eve. (We put the tree up on Christmas Eve in my family, since "Santa" brings the tree, as far as the kiddies are concerned.) But, I'm not gonna complain. Everything happens as it happens and as the Tao says, we have to learn to be satisfied with things exactly as they are. That's right, Tao, good advice.

So it will be a bit of an unorthodox Christmas Eve, but I'm going home, I'll be with my mom and my loving family, and then I'll be back in New York before I know it.

It's a beautiful day today. I'm sort of looking forward to going home, I guess. I wasn't before. But now I am.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go to the store to buy some gifts. Ahem.

Book It

I booked it. I got the job. Sweet. The temp agency woman says that I'm going in on Thursday and Friday of this week so they can try me out (I was in this same office on Friday, but temping for a different position) and if it goes well, I will return on January 2, after the holiday week off. So, I've basically got the gig. I'm quite quite pleased at this development. I won't adore working there, I don't think, but I will definitely live through it and that's all that matterz. Plus, money. Oh sweet, sweet delicious money. How I've missed you. I will never take you for granted again and our new life together will be better than you could have ever dreamed.

Only a few short days until I board a plane home to Chicago. Ooof. How did what was once awesome holiday time with my loving family turn into something that seems more like a chore? I love them all, it will be nice to see them and be together under one roof. But as I get older, it gets harder to stay patient and calm. I take LOTS of jogs outside when I'm there. It's the only way to get away. I don't have a drivers license.

Life is getting better every day. I won't go so far as to say things are perfect, but I feel a lot happier than I did a week ago. Work = got the job, therapy = back at it, holidays = in full swing and I think I'll survive yet another year, sketch comedy = awesome as always and we have 3 weeks off until our next show..oh yeaaaaahhhh, relationships = I'm feelin pretty good about stuff, which is a welcome surprise, healthy lifestyle = could always use improvment (she writes, as she checks the clock to see if she's going to be late for another holiday party complete with free beer and free food) but is as stable as it can be this time of year.

Oh yeah, and I have the world's cutest cat waiting at home for me every night. Sorry, but that wins.

:)

And WE'RE BACK...sorta.

Yo. Great news. I'm sitting at a JOB right now!!!! WAHOOOO.

Now, first thing's first...this isn't a real job just yet. I'm just temping today for the front desk person. However, it's at an organization where, most likely, I'll be employed full time starting next week sometime. They need someone until April to be the executive assistant to the CEO. My temp agency lady, who sent me on the round of interviews I had here last week, thinks they're gonna hire me because they really liked me best and because they asked to have me in today to temp the front desk gig...probably as a "trial." Sweet. So, fingers crossed, I'll be fully employed before Christmas. If this doesn't work out, I might give away all my worldly possessions and look into nomadism.

Things are on the up and up, methinks. I started back at therapy yesterday which is essential. The session was good and hard and that's why I go. It's also insta-perspective to sit there even for a mere 45 minutes. I heard myself saying stuff I've been saying for weeks, but suddenly when I said it to her, in that room, on that couch, it sounded totally different.

Being back in the workforce (I've been covering sporadic evening and weekend shifts at a theater I used to work at, but today is the first 9-5 deal I've had in two months.) is surprisingly refreshing. Having a job is a privilege. I see that now. My grandfather would be thrilled to hear me say that. It just felt really super to wake up this morning, even though it was early, even though I was sleepy, and know that I was gonna get some coffee, get on the train, go sit in an office, and get paid money in exchange for completing tasks. It's mechanically so simple, but delightful all at once.

I was able to write out a budget last night and soon I'll be able to make some payments I was really stressing about making. I'm pretty sure that Jobless 2006 is about to end. Two months was pretty much all I could handle. I feel like I'm being released back into civilized society with a new perspective on the choices I make and how they impact the things I want.

Plus, maybe I'll start taking some anti-depressant/anti-anxiety meds soon, right? Why not. :)

Fear

The thing about fear is, you can't let it dictate your life. I mean, it's such a simple concept, but one that everyone should work to constantly practice. I certainly don't want to live a fearful life.

I've realized recently that something in my life that's very important to me is also something I've been moving around in, based on fear. I can't keep doing that. I want to have full experiences, not half-versions of full experiences.

Sometimes we have to make really hard decisions when we realize that something is not enough. I've never been terribly good at that....at walking away from something that wasn't enough, in favor of finding something better. But I'm getting better at it and I intend to keep getting better at it.

I think I'm gonna go back to therapy this week, after several weeks off because I couldn't afford it. It's gonna feel like taking a deep breath.

I mean, did you know?

Sometimes we write stuff here:

www.harvardsailingteam.com/blog

Funny. Trustme.

zzzzzzzz

(Remember when I used to post photos on this damn blog? Those were the days. Apparently I might be getting a digital camera for la navidad from la madre. So GET READY. My cat's gonna be so overphotographed and overexposed, I'm gonna be rich.)

So I had a sketch show on Wednesday night, an improv show last night, and I have another sketch show on Saturday. That leaves tonight. I think I'll sit around.

I didn't sleep at home last night so I woke up earlier than usual and dammit if this might not be the key to getting back to a normal sleep schedule. As in, what if I started getting up before noon? Who's with me? Maybe I'll be tired enough to fall asleep at a human hour tonight. This rocks.

I feel like things are about to get busy, but things have generally been busy. Bring snacks.

You mean I gotta update this thing?

Oh blog-o-sphere.

I'm watching "Last Comic Standing" on Bravo. Soon, I will go to the gym. For those of you who don't know, I like to exercise. Thanks.

Whatelsewhatelsewhatelse. I know! I'll do a breakdown. BREAKDOOOOOOOWN!

These will be the categories....and I'm just making them up as I go, so who knows what I'll write! Omgosh the excitement.

Work
Health
Relationships
Friendships
Family
Home
Recreation

Also, I'm a dork.

Okay, here goes:

Work: I don't have a job. I can't wait to have a job. I want a job. I hope I get this job I'm being considered for. The second I get a job a huge weight will be lifted. I need to start looking for more jobs in anticipation of not getting this other job. Jobs. The word has lost all meaning. I've started covering sporadic shifts at a box office I used to work at in college and it's fun. Work = makes you feel like a person. Sporadic shifts = the illusion of an income where there really is no income.

Health: I have it. Good. I've been cooking a lot. (Me!) I don't eat things with high fructose corn syrup in them anymore. Never beeeen so healthy, I'd say. Hmph. Plus, the exercise. Toot!

Relationships: Oh boys. I love you all.

Friendships: Thank GOD. Am i right?

Family: I love you. But just stay in the midwest, kay?

Home: God this place is a pit. But Dan bought a new toilet seat cover. Does it get better?

Recreation: Sketch and improv! Oh it's all going so well I feel like someone should pinch me. It's really cool that I've found a niche like this.

Thanks. Bye.

This particular Thursday.

I'm home. In Chicago. I'm currently across town from my mom's house, at my Aunt Lisa and Uncle Kel's house, which sits on a cul-de-sac in typical midwestern fashion. Apparently some show called "Ugly Betty" is on in ten minutes and apparently some of us will be watching it. About 30 people (and one little baby) were in and out of this house today to celebrate the holiday. My Aunt Lisa's sisters and brothers and their wives and husbands and their kids have made a tradition in the last few years of flying into town for my Aunt Lisa's awesome Thanksgiving dinner, and my Uncle Kel's syblings (my mother is one of them) and parents (my grandparents) and all of us grandkids try to make it every year too. I have flown in from New York for the last seven or eight years to be here with my huge family, if only for a couple days. I love them all very much.

It ends up being an incredibly roudy time. The men get quite drunk, the women get quite tipsy, everyone gets loud, the kids get older and wiser every year and sit around and discuss how perspectives shift as we age. My cousin Trisha just got engaged to her boyfriend, who I met for the first time today. He's awesome. I approve. I'm a bridesmaid in the wedding. We're all getting older.

Now that it's almost 7pm (and dinner was at 2pm - and drinks have been flowing from 12noon to the present), there's a game of poker going on upstairs in the kitchen, some girlie chatter going on in the upstairs living room, a crazy old lady talking nonsense to a passionate middle aged man in the den, some people napping, some people laying on the floor in front of the fire, Mallory's reading a magazine, and I'm sitting here updating the ol' blog. How could you have it any other way.

Every year I dread the extra effort and inconvenience of two plane rides in three days and the predictable hellos and how are yous and the promises that we'll see each other in a few weeks at Christmas, and every year I end up feeling so incredibly blessed and lucky and grateful and glad to come from such hearty, happy, intelligent, lively stock who are all able to be here each year. I'm a lucky young lady.

In the car on the way home from the airport this morning I had to tell my grandmother that I got fired from my job. She didn't know yet. I was expecting her to be devastated as she concerns herself greatly with the details of my life. I wasn't looking forward to the conversation, but it ended up going quite smoothly. She's really mellowed out in her old age. Naturally, my mother told me later that my grandmother was fighting back tears in the front seat of the car, but I didn't notice at the time, so that's that.

At present, three people under 50 are giving an 82 year old woman a hard time about her new boyfriend, Clyde. Oh man, oh man.

I can't wait to get back to New York to my loving friends and my lovely life. But in the meantime, I'll do some relaxing, some shopping, some family bonding. And hopefully Grandma will slip me a few twenties before I go to the airport. :)

My BACK

I helped my good friends, Clayton and Carla, move yesterday and they didn't have a TON of stuff so we decided that just the three of us would provide plenty of man-power. We got it all done in a relatively short amount of time, but dammit if my whole entire body doesn't wanna kill all of you. Sorry.

It was fun, though, to be all super physical for a few hours, which apparently really takes your mind off everything else except for "OhmygodIthinkmythighsfelloffbackthere!" and my friend Carla gave me a really really nice and thoughtful gift at the end of the day for helping them. Their new apartment is gorgeous (if not up three flights of stairs - mythighs!) and we all earned the two cans of Bud Light that we downed when it was over. Then I went over to another friend's house who was cooking dinner when I walked in the door and it smelled like a home. We ate and chatted and hung out and he has too much left over Halloween candy. A lovely day, frankly.

I'm feeling a lot better than I was over the weekend. I think a weekend of partying due to a birthday, although great fun, can really make you feel like a loser when you don't have a job to back it all up with.

BUT, I signed up at a temp place yesterday and I have another interview tomorrow and I feel like things might start coming together soon. Awesome. I'd love to have something permanent before Thanksgiving so my grandmother doesn't keel over when I tell her I left my last job.

Pretty sure that lady's gon' keel over. She loved my last job. I think she's gonna be pissed. Needless to add, I haven't told her yet.

Today!: exercise, grocery shop, rehearse, watch comedy.

I've been sleeping in WAY too late. I got home at 4am last night. Q Train, you are my nemesis.

Things are on the up and up, people. It turns out, if you just shut up about it, you start to feel bettah. Hmph.

Anyone wanna watch The Little Mermaid with me? I got the DVD version for my b-day. Colorful!

Alright, Fuck.

I'm pretty sure I'm depressed. Smoking, drinking, doing nothing...these are all pretty good indicators that I'm wallowing in some self pity, some I don't wanna, and some this is really boring.

I haven't had a job in a month. I'm pretty sure that, barring any major obstacles that should arise, I'll be getting up a reasonable time of the morning tomorrow, putting on some nice clothes, and going to meet with a temp agency woman. I need to start doing something with my day time. My birthday is over, the party is over, the Weekend Of Shows that I've been anticipating for a while now is over and I need to fucking pull up my boot straps and shut the fuck up about it.

I seriously MISS having a semblance of a real life. Because as much as doing nothing all the time is rather freeing and as much as you realize, DANG that job thing took up a whole lotta time, those feelings wear off pretty quickly and you end up getting real used to sitting around all day, waiting for your friends to get off work. And you end up getting real used to hating it. I miss being super busy and not being able to stop to think about whatever the fuck I want to whenever the fuck I want to.

The worst part of feeling blue like this is that the little things people do that usually wouldn't bother you at all, or usually would roll right off your back, are the things that make you feel like shit for 12 hours straight. And that's just completely unfair to everyone. Especially your loving happy friends who have lives that don't revolve around you.

I NEED A FUCKING JOB.

Omg i need a goddammed job.

Here it begins again.

So, I have turned twenty-six. It happened on a rainy Tuesday. I spent the day with my best friends Billy and Adam and then I went to improv class and out for drinkings afterwards. Tonight, I'm going out with a group of people to a bar downtown, should be fun.

Ever since I got fired, I've been living a very purgatory-like life. This hasn't been an easy period of time and I have to constantly remind myself that I'm a worthwhile human being. Tonight will probably be my last hurrah for a while; I need to regain a sense of what it means to be me and start taking some things more seriously. I really am so blessed and I wonder if I just create obstacles for myself more than anything else.

I should have a job soon. The comedy stuff is really awesome right now, I'm feeling good about what I'm doing and how much I enjoy it. I feel so so so lucky to have weekly opportunities to perform. Rehearsing, performing, taking class, going to improv practice, watching shows...these things take up the majority of my time, occupying almost every night of the week. I wouldn't change it for anything. It's a fulfillment I never knew I was missing and to have been so deeply involved in it for the past two years, to keep finding new things I love about it, to keep being moved and excited by the old things I've always loved about it...is awesome. I feel really lucky that I went to a great school and ended up with some sweet training and always followed my emotional desires. As much as my emotions plague me and as much as I live by them in ways that I wish I wouldn't, following my feelings might have always been a strong suit of mine, whether I've allowed it to serve me or not.

Being twenty-six feels older than ever. It's kinda awesome though. I haven't minded getting older as I've gotten older. Street cred, I guess.

I have been struggling to hold on to value lately, to hold on to what I value and to remember to find value in what I know I value, if that makes any sense. The party is over, my birthday has passed, I've been jobless for four weeks exactly and I'm ready to start the next happy chapter.

Now I'm going to go to the gym and go shopping for a new top for my party tonight.

And I think I'll have a goddammed latte.

Yes!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

I gotta run, I'm late for therapy. ;)

Executive Decision

Tomorrow's my birthday.

I've been sitting here trying to decide if I should splurge on a $15 mani/pedi. Tomorrow's my birthday. Decision made. See you at the nail place.

xoxo

Disclosure

Gonna start titling these suckerz!

I'm trying to smoke less weed.

And now I think to myself, is there anyone who reads this who I don't want to know that I smoke weed?

Nope. No one. Freeing.

Anyway, I'm trying to smoke less of it. And here's a quick tip. If you don't buy it, you can't smoke it. Durrrr.

This morning, at 4:40am, I woke up, put on pants, got into a minivan with my friends Billy and Adam, drove to the West Side to pick up a bunch of bundles of magazines, drove to Valley Stream, Long Island to "dispense" them, stopped at Billy's parent's house for orange juice and conversation, and drove back to the city. Many laffs were had. Then I got home to queens at 11:30am and zzzzzzzzzz'd. We got paid a lot of money, relatively speaking, to complete this task.

I'm going to the gym at 6pm. I AM. I really am.

I'll be 26 in 4 dayz.

I had a pretty awful therapy session on Tuesday. She was just particularly hard on me about some stuff she thinks I've been "glossing over." There's something very strange about one grown person paying another grown person to get in their face when they aren't being honest with themselves. I was sitting in that room, all huddled over my cup of coffee, which felt like the only normal object in the room for a few minutes, wondering why this all suddenly reminded me of being reprimanded for not having my napkin on my lap when I was in the 5th grade. I'm sure she, the therapist, would certainly scoff at my making this analogy, since the very point she was trying to make involves me equating something serious that's happened with things that aren't serious. And perhaps she has a point.

But her point is not MY point. My point is, why do I pay someone a million dollars a second to make me feel like my mom flew in from the Chicagoland area, rewinded me to age 8, and sat me down in the living room to raise her cruel eyebrow and wave around the note I wrote about kissing Brian Robinson, the note I folded up into a precious little triangle so only my best girlfriends would know how to open it, the note she found in my pants pockets when she was doing the laundry and somehow cracked my fail-safe note-opening scheme?

My 26th birthday is in 5 days.

Goonies is on! It just started! Will I watch the whole thing? Who knows. But there's a good chance I will.

Ohh hahaha, when Chunk knocks the penis off the statue of David and then glues it on upside down? Hahahaha. Wheew.

I haven't blogged in over a week! Amazing. I suppose I've been busy.

I don't have a job yet, but things are coming together in that area. In the meantime, please send all $1000 checks to me.

So much has changed so quickly in my world and adapting to it has been different-feeling each and every day, but it's all good.

I wish I had something funnier or more interesting to write. I turn 26 in six days! There's that.

Please send all $1000 birthday checks to me.

I'm eating a mini-bagel with egg whites, tomato, and cheese and my cat is spending 100% of his energy trying to get a bite of it. I'm smarter than him, whether he thinks so or not, so I'm simply identifying whatever new tactic he's implementing (the sneak-up, or the act-casual-so-she-won't-notice, or the often effective "what? i'm just looking!") and moving the plate with the bagel on it to the other side of my body JUST as he thinks he's about to succeed. It's genius, really. Because it makes me feel like a big, strong, industrious human and it makes him feel like an insignificant, easily out-smarted feline.

Of course, I'm the one of the two of us stopping everything I'm doing to blog about how I'm proud of myself for stopping my cat from eating my breakfast. He's the one calmly sitting in the window acting like he has no idea what's going on.

Everything's changing. My whole life feels like it's in major transition. It takes some basic breathing to get used to the idea of letting things go and making room for new things and generally adapting to change. Because change can be a very hard thing. Change can also be a very good thing.

It's pretty intense.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow morning though. I've felt that way for a few days now -- that I look forward to waking up to find what the next day will be. Cool.

I bought some lite cheddar cheese. And i'll tell ya what. Not bad. Not bad at all. Totally worth it.

It's rainy today. I could eat anything you put in front of me. Let's see if I can't get that in check before I go out for the evening.

I'm going out to do something expensive tonight. It's $18 to get in and a 2 drink minimum! But it's a show that friends are in. So to it I go. Look at me, acting like I have an income.

Goals for this evening: do not overeat. do not overdrink. Fridays can be tempting.

Big weekend ahead. Gonna see two shows tonight (one play, one improv-karaoke show), gonna rehearse and perform in a show tomorrow night, gonna rehearse on Sunday as well. I can also see some vigorous exercise taking place. I've been running outside like it's my job.

A friend just got a new apartment in Brooklyn. It makes me want a new apartment. That seems like a long way off.

Getting another job thoughts: okay I'm seriously, for a few days now, considering getting a job at Trader Joe's for a little while. Is this insane? I've never worked somewhere like that. Might be good for me. I'm waiting to talk myself out of it, but that hasn't happened yet. Then, after I get sick of that, do I go corporate again, for the money? That makes me a little sick. So i'll just live day by day. Right now: it's friday!

I've been sleeping. A lot. I slept waaay in today. I think I've needed this. I've been on a gotfired-imposed vacation for exactly one week now. This is not half bad. I'm gonna have to find a source of income soon enough. But sitting around doesn't blow.

For now.

I can see how it might get boring though. Or can I?

Improv! I just wanna get better and better at it! Sketch comedy is awesome too. Things are movin and shakin and it's fun.

Bye.

I haven't posted in a few days because being jobless has a nice relaxing hum to it. No need to interupt that with unnecessary blogging.

I'm watching Martha Stewart's show right now and Rod Stewart was just on singing some awful bullshit song that made me want to poke out an eye. Phew, we're at commercial now. Phew.

Alright, so what HAVE I been doing. Well, I'll tell you. And I'll tell you first that it's not half bad. I've been hangin out. I've been tying up loose ends. I've been dealing with the details of being fired like putting together a loose budget for myself so I don't overspend the money I have, telling my mom and dad I got fired, updating my resume, and generally getting organized. Perhaps I'll start applying for some jobs later today. Perhaps not. This has been a week of vacation and I needed it.

I've also been reading and doing crosswords and seeing comedy shows and having drinks and having nice chats with good friends and having dinner and watching tv and listening to music. It's been excellent.

I'm gonna keep takin it real easy for a few days. I'm really enjoying where I am right now, mentally, which is in a pretty zen place. And it doesn't hurt that I just bought my very first copy of the Tao.

Fired: Day One.

This has been one of the most interesting days, intellectually speaking, I've had in a while. My entire reality was turned upside down yesterday at 12:30pm. Needless to say, I spent most of the rest of yesterday simply absorbing what happened. I spent time with a friend, I went to an improv practice, I went to see a show, I went out for drinks at our bar, I did some more late-night hanging out. I needed to totally zone out, decompress, and distance myself from Reality. Luckily, a friend of mine, also had some bad luck job-wise yesterday and he was out with us last night, so I wasn't the only one receiving empathy from everyone for having a pretty interesting day.

One nice thing, and I'm discovering there are actually many (because why not make the best of it), about getting fired is that everyone you know is empathetic about it, everyone you know has a When I Got Fired story, and a lot of people also confess to things they're doing this very moment at their own jobs that could get them fired. Makes one feel like less of a horrible screw up.

Something my friend Jess posted in a recent comment rings very true: I wanted out of that job. But it was too "good" of a job, from a benefits and general ease-of-work perspective, for me to willingly leave it. As an almost 26 year old, it would have been a big decision to leave a great job like that. Evidently I decided to take the hard (or easy, perhaps) way out. I'm outta the job now. Mission: accomplished. One way or another.

Today was a new leaf. Responsibilities that have weighed on me for over a year are suddenly gone, new burdens and stressors have taken their place. But it's nothing more than I can't handle. And I don't mind the whole new set of circumstances. I'm always one for a surprising change of pace.

I'll start focusing on new ways to earn money on Monday. This weekend is about remembering how NOT defined I am by my workplace. I went running today. I'm gonna get my sleep schedule and general health schedule into a nice, relaxing routine. I'm gonna be frugal with my money and enjoy my friends and hobbies and love my New York City Life.

Freedom, Keith. I won't forget it!

I got fired today.

:)

Whew.

It's been a strange couple of days.

As I get older, I continue to surprise myself at how much I'm capable of learning about myself.

Sometimes sad stuff happens, but I can definitely handle it. And I realize I haven't lost myself anywhere along the way.

It's about looking forward; it's about being exactly where I am. It's about trusting the path I'm on, living the life I'm actually living, and being willing to say YES fearlessly. It is exactly what it is. And that's okay.

Harvard Sailing Team doesn't have a show tonight and I think we're all grateful for the Saturday night off. It's been a while. Industry show on Tuesday and then back into a Saturday night run for two months! Whoof!

I have been very tired all day today. And very hungry. And I had improv class practice. And I'm going to go to sleep early tonight and I'm eating a grilled chicken salad right now, thank god.

I have a few things to accomplish tomorrow and I'm loving the new fall weather.

Also, I'm watching Fast Times at Ridgemont High and I'll tell you what, it's a classic.

This is turning out to be a pretty excellent weekend.

Today is my adorable mom's adorable birthday. She's a young 45 years old today. I love you, Mom! Even though you don't read this or know it exists.

Anyway, I sent her a package including a cat mask, which is a long story, but I know she'll love it. Sometimes she drives me up the FUCKING WALL, but my mom happens to be a really awesome, amazing, beautiful woman. And she smells really good like a mom, like MY mom, and that's all that could ever matter. Happy Birthday, Mama!

In other less pleasant news, I had a bizarre evening, last. I have been a lot happier in the last calendar year, consistently, than I've been since I was a kid. And it's a strange sensation to realize that you rarely feel a depressiveness that you used to feel all the time. When I was working my way through and out of that depression, I spent a lot of time alone. I loved it. I needed it and I preferred to avoid intimacy of any sort with any sort of person. I've quit doing that; I'm now intimate with the best of em. But last night, for some weird reason, I wanted nothing more than to be in that depressed, alone, hiding-away place. Except I couldn't muster the ..what..willpower? to actually act on it. Like, I felt these feelings but couldn't quite bring myself to "medicate" them with the isolating actions I used to rely on.

So instead I went for a run and lifted some weights and then had some Chinese food. And I felt better.

I know what I wrote above might not make complete sense, it doesn't make sense to me either. I've grown out of the kind of depression I used to know, and I have, without even really knowing it, developed a whole new way to cope with the world around me. I spent years in emotional and psychological strife. Then I spent years climbing out of that hole of strife. And now I'm not doing either of those things. I'm not making a mess and I'm not cleaning up a mess. I'm just being Me.

And I love comedy.

It seems to me that if they made those little deli napkins much larger and more absorbent, they wouldn't have to give you so many at once. You end up using like 85 napkins to wipe egg off your chin when in all actuality, one big paper towel would also do the trick. It's common sense. And also, frugal.

Ohhhh, they want me to actually do WORK to at work. Ohhh, I'm EARNING money. Okay, cool. I get it now. I'll get right on that. Glad we cleared this up.

Meanwhile, this woman is why I wanted to become an actor:

I got some kleenex and some medicine. And friends try to cheer me up over the instant messenger. All nice things.

But the best thing is in an email I got from someone-sugary. And after checking her blog to make sure I wasn't stealing anything, I decided everyone needed to see this picture that My Favorite Sarah sent me "for balance," which, whether she knows it or not, made my afternoon.

How swank is THIS:



Sorry, Sarah, for stealing your kittens-as-a-heart-photo. I dare you to tell me you mind.

Headache. Fuzzy brain. Stuffed up nasen. Coughing. Sore chest. Sneezing like it's my 9-5. I'll live. But man, it sure makes ya sleepy. I went to sleep really early last night. The theme of this week = sleep.

I'm sitting at the front desk at work right now, covering for the receptionist while she attends a meeting. Attends. I just used that genuinely. While she attends a meeting. Whilst she participates in an arranged gathering of other employees who will discuss certain workplace goals and ideals.

She's really neat and tidy, is the thing I learn about her from her desk. She's got all these little systems and files and I just found her "Tuesday, October 3: To Do List" which is written on formal stationary. Her business cards are in a fancy little business card holder. Everything is just-so, a cup of Starbucks coffee to the left of her monitor, a random pen laying lazily askew, perhaps just for affect. This makes me feel a little like an idiot. Because my To Do List is chicken scratched in a notebook and on post-its all around my desk. My business cards are buried deep in a drawer somewhere and I can assure you I've never handed one out. She's also like 5 years younger than I am and just started this job a few months ago.

Well, FINE. AT LEAST I'M FUNNY. HAHAHAHAHAHAhahahahahahaaaa...ahem.....>cough< >sigh<.

It's Monday! It's October. Aww, October. I'm a fan. I'm a fan of September as well, but October, ooo, crisp yummy October. I'll take 'er.

I enjoy the fall. This is a truth.

I think I'm coming down with a wee ailment. A sickness. A coldette. It's alright. It's fall.

Last week was inSANE. I was so busy, got very little sleep overall, had to get up way too early way too many days in a row, and I was just consistently running from activity to activity. Then, of course, in a desperate attempt to recover a normal sleep schedule over the weekend, I failed tremendously. The weekend was just as busy as the week and it all came to a crashing halt when I ended up sleeping until 3:45pm on Sunday afternoon. No joke. SICK. I needed it though. I was sure that falling asleep the next night would be impossible because I slept so late. Wrong. I was out like a light. I think I am finally back on track, getting a solid 8 hours last night. It's a miracle. I feel pretty good today.

I'm looking forward to having a low-key, sleepful, healthy, gym-going week this week where I don't spend a stupid amount of money and I don't stay up past 2am every night. Revolutionary. I feel all responsible and centered like it's fall and I can take on the world.

Plus, my 26th birthday is in a month. Cool.

At the bar on Saturday after our show a fight broke out! It was awful. But a little exciting. But mostly awful. And we got the hell outta there.

Thanks. Bye.