Catch up

I only have a moment to post but I wanted to come be accountable, especially after my week long vacation.

The trip to Charleston, although not exactly a vacation because we were working for most of the time, was a lovely trip. And I did relatively well on the food-front. I promised myself I could have one fast food meal while we were there, and I finally had it on the last day of the trip. Wendy's. But I got the grilled chicken which was burnt and gross, so I mostly just ate fries. Besides that and a couple over-munching episodes involving guacamole, chips, cheese and bread, I did pretty well, I think. I made an effort to eat healthy breakfasts and I avoided more than one big meal in a day, when possible. I definitely ate more points than I wanted to, but I think I controlled the damage successfully. I drank next to nothing booze-wise the entire trip and I had plenty of water. PLUS! I exercised three times. :)

We stayed in the most beautiful house with tons of sunlight and a gorgeous kitchen. It made it very easy to wake up early before everyone else, get in some exercise, and then make myself a healthy breakfast every morning. That made a world of difference.

I haven't been on the scale in a couple days, but I think it's probably up. I'm okay with that. This next week of WW-ing will be a resetting period for me, a post-vacation detox. The week prior to the vacation (which wrapped up during the first few days of the trip) was a great week in terms of healthy living; I ate the least I've eaten in weeks that week. I didn't exercise much but I'm very proud of the food progress I made. My appetite is definitely smaller.

My goals for this upcoming week, which begins anew today are as follows:

4 cardio sessions
3 strength training (at least 2 lifting, but 1 can be pilates)
eat no more than 45 flex points total

I think it's doable. I'm focusing on eating more fruits and veg. Not terribly hard in the summer. I also want to focus on LESS SUGAR. I can eat sweets and crappy sweet shit like a champion. So I'm going to try to curb that this week.

I haven't lifted regularly in about a month I think. Not sure how it got away from me so quickly, but I've got to get back to it. I feel infinitely better about my body when I'm lifting. It's night and day.

I'll check in soon with progress.

Oh the ebb and the flow...

Stayed basically the same this past week, scale-wise. Surprising because I felt like I didn't workout very much last week, and although I ate better than I've been known to in past weeks, it wasn't anything amazing.

This week is already proving challenging. I have been feeling a little run down - just tired and allergic to the spring and generally lethargic. Working out has not been at the forefront of things I want to do with my time. I was able to convince Kevin to go for some cardio in the park on Saturday, but that's the last time I exercised. And I haven't lifted in over a week. Gah. I meant to do it yesterday on my lunchbreak, but it didn't happen. And I was planning to go today, but now that the hour nears, I'm trading up for a dinner out with my man. We're getting sushi so at least I won't overeat in addition.

I kept vascillating all day long about tonight's exercise. First it was Of course! Then it was We'll see. Then it became YOU'RE GOING. Now it's Hi Kevin, what are you doing at 7:30pm?

The current plan is to get something in tomorrow on my lunch break. I'm seeing Xanadu on Broadway tomorrow night so it will have to be the lunch break. Then I hope to get something in on Friday evening, after my headshot session (getting new ones on Friday). And again on Saturday during the day. We leave for Charleston on Sunday morning, so I'd really like to feel healthy as we leave town. It will inspire me to try to get some activity in on the trip AND I won't feel so terribly if I don't get any activity in on the trip.

But my god am I sick of the conversation in my head. I WANT to be working out, is the thing. But life just doesn't always make that possible. I'm fine with that. But I'm fascinated by how much energy and desire I have to do it sometimes, verses other times when I would rather stick pins in my eyes.

I'm sleepy.

I think I'm getting sick.

Naturally. I called in sick last week so I could shoot Sesame Street (and I will be sure to mention when that's airing because people have been so sweet to ask) and I thought, "I bet you I actually get sick. Karma." And then, of course, when I got into the office the day after the "sickness" I felt like I needed to act a little rundown to really sell it. Ridiculous, perhaps, but it's a small office. I couldn't exactly be bopping around. I'd just called in sick two days in a row! Anyway. What the mind believes, the body achieves. Even where acting rundown is concerned. So now I'm rundown in reality. Not just for show.

Bitch bitch bitch, right? Sorry. Better on this blog than to my boyfriend who probably doesn't need to hear it.

In better (!) news, I'm eating less and less lately. I did another Trader Joe's run late last week and it was a success. I bought lots of yummy stuff and we've been eating it up like crazy. I'm still spending more money on eating out than I want to spend, but that's how it goes. I've brought my lunch several times recently and have eaten many dinners at home rather than ordering in. That's big money and health progress for sure.

My goal in Charleston is to eat normally. I usually do on these trips. But it's week long! So the temptations will abound, including, but not limited to alcohol. I'm not a huge drinker, but those calories add up fast regardless. I think the key will be to make sure I start off each morning with a healthy, nutritious breakfast. That usually sets me on a good path. And lunch, of course, should be something with very little white bread. Dinners will be where it gets tricky. But I'm determined to return from the trip feeling good about my choices and good about conquering a week out of town.

Okay. Everyone send me your exercise motivation vibes. I need a divine intervention.

La la la la...

Alright. This WW week is off to an interesting start.

First of all, I lost a couple pounds according to this morning's weigh-in. That's welcome news. It means I've lost a grand total of 5 pounds since my recommitment on January 1. (To be fair, I lost those 5 pounds in the first three months and then gained a couple back. But I'm officially down 5 now and it's NOT coming back, dammit.) Five pounds is an amount I would have scoffed at back in the days when I could drop 10 pounds by blinking. Of course, those were also the days when I had tens and tens of pounds to drop...so I guess it all evens out. I'm totally more than comfortable with this progress. It's a pound a month. Not newsworthy, but definitely better than being 5 pounds heavier and uncomfortable in my clothes. I'm reminded of a time when 5 pounds didn't make a bit of difference in how I looked or felt. So it's nice to recognize what an impact it's had this time around. I feel much better. 5 more pounds off and I won't know what to do with myself! ;)

All that said, I've had a weirdo food day so far, which I refuse to let derail me, but it's presented a bit of a challenge.

I got to work this morning and had a bagel and cream cheese (grocery store bought, so I know the exact cals). I didn't have any fruit, which I usually try to incorporate into breakfast, but I wasn't gonna sweat it. I usually let myself indulge a little on weigh-in days and a bagel with cream cheese sounded perfect. Then, just as I was getting peckish around 1pm, the boss asked me to go get his lunch. And since I didn't bring my own lunch today, I figured I'd get something for myself too.

I went to Pret-a-Manger. I had a delicious hummus sandwich in my hand (6 points total - so fucking yummy) when this new "spicy falafel wrap" caught my eye. I love falafel. And maybe, just maybe, it wouldn't be too many calories! This particular restaurant has yet to don the calorie counts on their menus, so I wasn't entirely sure what kind of decision I was making. But I was hungry and it looked yummy and I knew I could just google their nutrition info when I got back to the office. So I put back the hummus sandwich (oh beautiful hummus sandwich, I will never forsake you again) and grabbed the wrap and also chose a tiny sweet square that they sell at the counter and that was that.

Regret abounds. The spicy falafel wrap, although reasonably tasty, was not amazing. And they didn't HAVE the info for this particular wrap on their site because it's a new sandwich (keep up, website!) so all I could do was look up the other wraps and guesstimate - and the OTHER wraps range from 12 to 19 points each! WHAT! FUCK THAT.

So I ripped some of the bready wrap part off, to avoid those extra cals, only ate half the sandwich, which wasn't remotely filling or satisfying, and wrapped up the rest for another time. Who knows how many points it cost me. Disappointing to say the least.

Then I looked up the sweet bar's nutrition info and it turns out I could have saved a good 70 calories by getting the mini brownie rather than the mini cookie bar I chose. No big deal, and those of you unfamiliar with the woes of weight-watcherdom are probably rolling your eyes by now, if you've even gotten this far, but the point is, these things can be just a little frustrating. On day one, meal two of a new week - you want to feel better about your choices. Plus, I can't be affording to sacrifice perfectly good lunching opportunities on some shitty high calorie food. Alack, I'll live. Hungrier than I'd like to be, but I'll live. I guess it's fruit for me all afternoon. Fabulous.

I'll head to the gym in about an hour probably for some stretching and lifting. It will feel good on the ol' muscles for sure. I fear being very hungry later today, after lifting and not having eaten a nutritious lunch. So getting through this day without dipping too far into flex is going to be my primary goal.

I'm going to see the Kanye West concert tonight (for free!) and it's gonna be a long night, I think. So I'll hit the gym in a bit, snack on fruit in the afternoon, find some sort of filling, protein based thing to have before the concert, and beeline home to Kev afterwards - maybe he will make me a late light dinner. :) Hope he's up for it!

Tomorrow will include a good workout too, after work and before my improv show. I'm gonna do my best to get some exercise in each day for the next few days. Even if it's something small, it's feasible.

Cookietown, Population: Me.

I've had one of the better weeks I've had in a while this past week. Proud of myself for the extra effort.

I did, however, eat two relatively big cookies today, that someone cruelly brought into work. These are amazing, delicious, yummy cookies. And there's been a whole huge tub of these babies sitting in the office kitchen since like 11am. I didn't discover them until 12noon; when I saw them, I became overjoyed, panicked, grabbed one and ate half of it on the spot like if I didn't devour it right then someone would come steal all the cookies and I'd get none.

It was a bit much.

Then, of course, I saved the other half of the first cookie to have after lunch. Which I did. And then I wanted a second cookie. I'm polishing it off right now.

And it's delicious. But let me remind myself that it will be gone in a few seconds and I sorta wish I didn't have the second one afterall. Oh, food addicts. Aren't we the wildest?

Otherwise, I've had a really nice week. I've eaten less this week than I've eaten in months - I'm so proud of that. I still went over flex by a few, but nothing like 20 points over. More like 10 or 12, which is seriously a record for me. Plus, I got in a nice amount of cardio (not the four sessions I was hoping for, but three really good sessions) and a pilates class.

I did no lifting this week and I'm eager to get back to it because I love how lean and strong it makes me feel, but I think taking a break from it for a week allowed me to drop some on the scale, even if it's only a pound. I'm feeling very slim in general right now. My clothes are fitting well, my skin feels tight, my body feels lighter, like I can move through space with ease. It's nice.

In two weeks I'll be heading off to Charleston, SC for a week to perform at a comedy festival down there. We went last year, you might recall, and had SUCH a great time and we're going back for the same Piccolo Spoletto Festival this year. Kevin's joining us, which is basically the best thing ever. He was there last year too. I'm nuts about the kid, so it's delightful for me that he comes on these trips. He does the lights and sound for HST (and he's a master at it).

Anyway, as it relates to this blog, the trip could prove challenging. I'm sure I'll have some opportunity to exercise - we'll be staying downtown, and there's plenty of places to go jogging, but food might be a bit more difficult to navigate. I'll basically be on a working vacation with 9 of my closest friends. It's hard to eat perfectly in those situations. But I will give it my all. In the meantime, it's important that I do plenty before the trip to offset any potential damage. I'm excited to weigh-in tomorrow. Even if I've only lost a pound, it will be a step in the right direction. Not to mention, I KNOW the last 4.5 months of exercising more diligently and eating more mindfully (I recommitted after a year of being really lax on 1/1/08) have made a big impact on my body, even if I don't see the results on the scale all the time. I'm buying/wearing clothes that I wouldn't have dared put on a few months ago. I just bought the cutest blue summer dress at the gap that hangs on me in a way it would NOT have in January. I'm really pleased with this. My body has changed shape. That's key.

My success this past week certainly related to the fact that Kevin and I went grocery shopping and I ate those foods for many of my meals. We've really had fun preparing stuff together in the kitchen - he's cooked me dinner a couple times which is pretty much the greatest. And I've been bringing salad's to work for lunch, eating lower-calorie breakfast foods, and making smart choices for dinners. I think it's definitely the key to having a successfully healthy summer - eating-in more than we've been known to do. I think we're both excited for that. And the cash savings goes without saying.

I hope to have another stellar week this upcoming week. We will get in another trip to Trader Joe's soon, I hope. And I will do my best to make good use of all that we buy. And I plan to get at least two lifting workouts in, in addition to a pilates class. Last week's, although easy, was a nice change of pace from doing it by myself. I also hope to get in 3-4 cardio sessions once again. Hopefully some nice long outside jogs can happen.

We shoot Sesame Street on Thursday and Friday of this week. I'm looking forward to it and I think it will motivate me to have a great Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday in terms of food and exercise.

I've been thinking a lot lately about how beautiful I feel. Perhaps that sounds a bit vain, but when you were once 260+ pounds, it's not vain, I promise you.

When I was a young kid, I wasn't heavy. I definitely had body image issues, always felt less girlie than the pretty girls at school, and fat, because my mom bitched about her body. So I thought I should dislike mine too. And then it became a self fulfilling prophecy. I got as fat as I felt. And THEN I realized, gah, I was never fat before. I was just misguided. And that same cycle, in ten pound increments, repeated itself until I was unrecognizable. What a difficult series of years.

And the worst part was, it was during the time when the rest of the young women in my age group were, for the most part, learning to dress in cute, sexy clothes that flattered their figures, and discovering how to wear make-up and do their hair perfectly and eventually don bikinis in the summer. And I never felt like that was stuff I could or should be doing.

I will say that, on a psychological level, I'm sometimes glad I didn't have the opportunity to be vain in that way as a young woman, because it gave me a level-head about what really mattered and it also gave a sharp sense of humor, which I grew to combat my hurt feelings. It's sort of nice to have had to wait until I was a little older to feel so self confident. Because I can appreciate what life is like when you don't feel self confident.

But lately, I'm feeling really lovely. I'll probably never be able to wear a tiny bikini on a beach full of attractive people and feel fantastic. But I'm not sure that anyone I know can. Regardless of any of that kind of stuff, I feel good about who I've become.

I'm one hurtin' puppy today, cats. I'm fucking exhausted right now, to say the least. It's due to a combination of factors that have all gathered together and formed an unfortunate dog-tiredness. And that's a shame on a day like today, which is going to be non-stop. I can only hope that my condition improves before the evening. I'm gonna need some sleep this weekend.

I can honestly say I haven't been tired in this way in months. I've been obsessed with getting plenty of sleep in my old age. In the last year or so I have become practically incapable of staying awake beyond 1am. I used to stay up much later every night; I've always been a night owl. But something has happened as I grow closer to 30 (wow, did I just write that?) and now I'm no good come midnight. And last night I was awake until probably 2:30am. And what would have once been some minor sleepiness the morning following a late bedtime has become a handicap. I'm beat, guys. I'm beat. I would pay anyone cash money to get me a nap.

Improv show last night - it was fun. And then I went to the bar afterwards, had one drink, chatted up a good friend/teammate and we left around 1am. Ugh. Time is a black hole in that bar. Hours can pass in an instant and suddenly you're fucked. But everyone else has to get up and out of the house to work the next morning too, so you justify it that way and you stay another ten minutes/fifty/hundred-twenty minutes longer than you meant to. Aaack.

Kev and I got back to queens, hung with Daniel who had his official graduation from his Masters program yesterday, and finally crashed into bed around 2:10, trying to stay awake to talk about something we wanted to discuss. Our eyes were closed by the time we decided to turn out the light, even though we were both still mumbling. Silly since I can't remember a lick of the conversation now, of course. Sweet Kevin slept in his clothes because he was too tired to take them off. Even the cat was tired.

I woke up this morning, hurting. Headache, fuzzy brain, body exhaustion. I bitched as I woke up, "I hate waking uuuuuup!" outloud to the cat. Lovely, right? Yeah, I'm a lamb. I took some advil, but that's not gonna do much.

Tonight is a big night. It's gonna be a long one too. Tonight Harvard Sailing Team, my sketch group, is hosting a big show/party/event. We're all really excited about it. It's a "Best Of" Show (we've been together for 3 years and have a ridiculous amount of material, so we're doing a bunch of old favorites - and they are sketches that our fans voted into the show - fun!) and a launch party for our brand new fancy website. Also, our good friends, the sketch group Pangea 3000 is opening for us. Also, we're having an open wine bar before during and after the show! It's gonna be nuts.

So basically, after rushing like crazy to get there on time from work, it will be tons of mingling, chatting, smiling and being gracious, followed by an hour long sketch comedy show, which is basically non-stop run run run from the beginning for all of us (sometimes it feels like a light cardio workout to me and this is particularly action packed show because it's a Best Of show), followed by more mingling, chatting, smiling, and drinking wine. Oof. Not to mention, we'll probably have to stick around to clean up after. I have no idea what time I'll pour my body into bed tonight, but I'm certain it won't be as soon as I want it to be.

I'm actually - don't laugh - really looking forward to tonight, despite my terrible 'tude. I love doing big shows like this. And it's even more fun because we're doing material that we all really love and enjoy performing and haven't gotten to perform in years. The audience will be filled with fans and supportive friends, so we will definitely have a blast. I'm sure the energy will be electric. If anything can shake my sleepiness, it's the adrenaline from all that.

I only wish I'd gone to bed at 9pm last night. Ah well. Live and learn. And then sleep it off.

Besides my late night last night, yesterday was intense in its own right. I ate really well all day, lots of fruits and veggies and barely went over points (just over by 2 at the end of the night with my gin and soda at the bar), so that was great. But I also worked out. Twice! I went for my Central Park run at lunch, which was lovely, but also really hard because it was 80 degrees here yesterday. So I was really pushing through it and I was really drained when it was over. That fucking park has so many hills! Death. And then, after work was over, I went to a 7:30 pilates class. I wasn't trying to go crazy with the exercise yesterday, but I've been meaning to take this class and it was too perfect of a day to stay inside at lunchtime, so it just worked out this way. But my god, I was spent after all was said and done. And THEN, to make matters worse, I went home and tried out this insanely difficult new ab gadget that Daniel just bought, which basically works your entire body from top to bottom and makes you feel like you're wearing a vest of your own abdominal muscles when you're done. I had to try it out, of course, at 2am, of course, and I did about 6 reps of it felt like I'd just run 2 miles. Slightly sore today. And tired. Did I mention?

Anyway, all's well on the WW front. Feeling good about my momentum this week. Making good choices, getting in a ton of activity. My clothes are fitting better, the scale was down bigtime this morning, and I feel light and healthy. It's nice.

I'm not gonna workout today, even though I brought my clothes with me. It will be good to have a rest day. I'll get something in tomorrow for sure. It would be bliss to call in sick tomorrow so I can stay out late tonight and not worry about it, but it just can't happen. (Since I have to call in sick NEXT Thursday/Friday so I can go shoot Sesame Street. Eeek!)

Saturday we're going to Rockland to visit Kevin's family for Mother's Day. (His parents aren't available on Sunday.) It will be nice to see them and the nephew, Craig, who is gonna be 2 next month. He's a precious babyface. Should be an enjoyable afternoon even though all I want to do right now is burrow into my bed on Friday night and not emerge until Monday morning.


Jesus, I'm the life of the party, huh? ;)

New Week

It's a "new" week, as of today, for my WW life. I weigh the same that I did last week. Who cares.

I'm off to a good start this week and intend to hold onto this tiny bit of momentum. Some good news: my sketch comedy group booked a gig on Sesame Street. SESAME STREET! THAT is super cool to me. So, the point, as it relates to this blog, is that I want to look good on the tv. You know, so the kidlets who watch Sesame will find me attractive and want to date me when they grow up. Nah, I just want to look good on the tv because it's the first real tv show I'll ever be on, in fact it was once my very favorite tv show, and I want to feel good about my ass and how it looks in my jeans. Wouldn't you?

We film next week so hopefully this short term goal can keep me on a great food/exercise track for at least a week. Doing so would likely kick this scale plateau to the curb.

I'd love to see the plateau break. But it's not about losing a bunch more weight - it's more about making sure I'm always at a weight where I can occasionally eat nachos and drink margaritas and not care if said Mexican night causes me to gain 3 pounds. I'm pretty much there now, but a little extra insurance never hurts. Does that make sense? So onward we go.

I have been making more restrictive choices today than usual, food-wise. I just want to TRY to eat a bit less each day this week and see how my brain and body respond. I can't do deprivation. I must eat what I want. Period. But I can make more restrictive choices from time to time and substitute healthy things for cravings when necessary. This is the week to give it my best.

It's so gorgeous in NYC today - I went for a 35 minute run in Central Park on my lunch break. My office is 5 blocks from the park, so it was perfect. I really enjoyed being outside, even though it was a pretty tough run.

There's a pilates class at 7:30 tomorrow night that I can probably make after work/before my improv show if I hussle. So I'm gonna attempt that too. Just looking to shake things up a bit from my regular lifting routine. I could just lift tomorrow night after work, but I feel like I could use a little outside encouragement in the form of a teacher bossing me around.

I'm hungry right now, after eating a relatively light lunch. I might try to find something filling to tide me over until dinnertime. Perhaps banana and PB on an english muffin? We'll see...Hopefully Kev and I will put together dinner from our Trader Joe's bounty when we get back to his place tonight after rehearsal. We have so much good stuff for meals.

I'm sort of excited to eat less for a few days. It's kinda fun sometimes. Is that totally insane? It might be. See me again at 10pm tonight after a glass of wine and a kitchen stocked full of food. Oh yeah, eating less is a fucking laughriot.

Lovely. The boss just left for the day. I’m kicking my feet up, sipping my soda, and setting aside the pile of work in front of me.

I finally bought a new battery for my scale on my lunch break today. Tomorrow morning is weigh-in. I weighed myself at lunch just now and it’s pretty much right where I expected. I seem to have lost another pound, which is nice, and I hope to keep up this slow but steady progress toward feeling really good in all my clothes.

Kevin and I had a lovely, healthy day together yesterday, which is always so thrilling for a huge dork like me. He’s nice not to roll his eyes at me as often as he probably wants to – I get really excited when we’re doing healthy stuff together.

We FINALLY went to Trader Joe’s which has been on my To Do list for weeks, easily. We just haven’t had the opportunity. It closes at ten, I'm never in the neighborhood, who has time to grocery shop, etc. etc. Plus that place is an actual zoo, like, all hours of the day. In fact, I had a dream the other night that we walked in there and it was empty and I could move through the aisles with ease. That’s how packed it is. I’m dreaming about it being not packed.

We got a ton of amazing stuff and took it all back to Kevin's. I was planning to sleep in Brooklyn anyway, so it was just easier to house all the food in his kitchen – not to mention that my kitchen is a danger-zone and nobody ever cooks in it. Anyway, there's now a bounty spilling out of the cabinets in Kevin's kitchen – an organic, inexpensive, healthy bounty. It's really exciting. We made a huge salad for dinner last night AFTER we walked/ran all the way around Prospect Park as the sun was setting. It took us 45 minutes, but it flew by and was much more fun than doing it alone. We weren't going to get in any exercise at all yesterday but we rallied at the last minute, after an unexpected afternoon nap.

We also bought some incredible brownie bite type things that we both loved and ate plenty of throughout the evening. But that’s a different blog entry.

I threw together another salad last night before bed and brought it to work for lunch today. It was so yummy and I’m stuffed now (having also eaten some almonds and some animal crackers and half a bagel).

I have improv practice tonight and then I’m going to see a friend’s show so I doubt I’ll have an opportunity to exercise. It was a good exercise weekend, though, so I feel okay about it. I did something Friday, Saturday and Sunday. I’ll take it.

This upcoming week – my focus is going to be on eating less. It’s nice to have the weight watchers online system to help me keep track because those numbers don’t lie. I just reviewed my food history for the month of April. And I’m simply eating too much each week. I eat an average number of points a day, and it’s too many. That’s the bottom line. No wonder my body is loving his exact weight, despite the increase in exercise. I think my triumphant return to grocery store eating will help that. For money and health reasons, I’m going to do my very best eat the stuff I bought at the store and not eat out as often this week. It’s a shift I’ve been meaning to make for a while and I think I’m ready to give it a serious whirl.

Another reason I love this town.

So, even though today's weigh-in day, I haven't weighed. Didn't weigh last week either. I'm doing the same as always on my plan - exercise and eating wise, pretty consistent. But my stupid scale is dead. And the lithium battery it takes is HARD TO FIND GRRR.

I did well last week - pretty standard. Over flex by 20 something, worked out 4 times. My goal this upcoming week is to eat less and move more. Shocking.

I'd like to get in more cardio this week. I think I can manage that. I took a tiny break from lifting a week or so ago, like two extra days off, and when I returned to lifting, my muscles were MAD and sore. So that was kinda cool. I love feeling like I've worked hard.

I do have something excellent to report, though, for which I have the city of New York to thank. I'm not actually sure if this is just a new NYC ordinance or if it's a state-wide thing or what. Regardless, it's awesome. They've recently passed a law requiring all chain restaurants (so, fast food places, but also places like Starbucks, AuBonPain, Cosi, you get the idea) to POST THE CALORIC CONTENT OF EVERY ITEM ON THEIR MENU IN A LOCATION IMMEDIATELY VISIBLE TO THEIR PATRONS. And so most places have taken to putting this information right on the menu, right next to each food item. And a lot of places even put the info on, for example, the little sign sticking out of the pile of cookies for sale on the counter. It will say "Chocolate Chunk Cookie 450 calories."

That, my friends, is BLISS for a weight watcher. BLISS.

IT'S BLISS.

When I first heard they were planning to pass this law, I thought, "Oh cool, but also, not really gonna affect me THAT much. I mean, I basically already know the caloric content, give or take, for every food on planet earth. It might be nice to have a reminder, though." AU CONTRAIRE. How mistaken I was! This lovely new detail (albeit, arguably, governmental interference in private life but who gives a fuck do you want to be fat all your life?) has actually saved me on now three separate occasions since the law went into affect a couple weeks ago.

1. I was at AuBonPain in the morning trying to grab something for breakfast. I was in a rush and nothing sounded good AND I wanted something warm because it was chilly outside. I hate having to make a healthy decision when I'm in a rush and I don't have all the information, so I was a little stressed. I was standing in front of the warm filled crossiants, about to grab some weird breakfast quesadilla thing, when I glanced up at the sign above the case that and saw the calories were listed right next to the sandwiches. I died from joy. The breakfast quesadilla I was about to grab, thinking I was making the best possible choice, actually contained THREE TIMES the calories as the lowest item on the list, which was the spinach and cheese filled croissant and which, for the record, was only 250 calories. AND IT IS DELICIOUSSSSSSSSSS. I never would have chosen the crossiant if I hadn't had the information. And I'm so glad I did. I've gotten it twice more for breakfast since then and it's so yummy and tastes sinful but ISN'T that bad!! Unreal.

2. Kevin and I had just gotten out of a movie. We were exhausted and starving and we went across the street to Cosi to get some takeout sandwiches before heading home to crash. We opened the takeout menu to discover that all the calories were listed right next to each item. I died from joy. I was beside myself over it. Kevin can attest. It was really sort of ridiculous how happy it made me. But the reason I was so excited was because I didn't have to stand there, brain-drained, weighing all the different options in my mind, considering what I wanted verses what sounded the healthiest verses which items had the restaurant's little symbol for "lighter fare," etc. etc. I could just look at the caloric content, choose the lowest calorie sandwich from the list, make sure I liked what was in it, and order it UP! (I should mention that I also discovered that the items that bared the "lighter fare" symbol, which is a symbol this particular restaurant used well before this calorie law was in place, weren't the items that were the lowest in calorie! In fact, some of them were extremely high calorie! So, I guess "lighter fare" refers to fat grams? Fat grams, which have nothing to do with anything weight control related. What is this, 1989?) I also learned that the spinach artichoke dip, which is very tasty from this place, is surprisingly low in calories (150!) when I never before would have considered ordering that on a healthy night. Kevin and I also learned that this weirdo nasty looking "healthy" granola bar thing they had for sale at the counter was the same fucking calorie amount as the GIANT chocolate chip cookie or the amazing looking chocolate brownie. Come ON! This is info everyone needs to have!!! Who doesn't want a giant cookie?!

3. I went to AuBonPain again today for lunch and chose a cheese/fruit dish that seemed high calorie to me but was actually lower calorie than the other option I was considering. This anecdote isn't as exciting as the previous two.

Now, I recognize that calorie amount is not the be-all end-all of healthy eating. And I also recognize that just because something is low in calories doesn't mean it's not filled with toxic chemicals or doesn't mean it's not extremely high in sugar or trans fat (which is also banned in NYC restaurants, btw). So it's certainly not a blanket solution to unhealthy food consumption. But having the calorie information in front of me when I'm making a food choice is still a welcome piece of information. When I'm deciding what to order, I still consider the type of food (i.e. protein, dairy, carb, veggies) and how much fiber I would imagine it has, and whether or not it's made from natural ingredients or filled with preservatives. I would be in healthy-living HEAVEN if they provided all that info at every restaurant. But they don't. And they probably won't. So having only the calorie information as a guide is a good start as far as I'm concerned.

Obesity is such an epidemic in this country (in NYC, not so much at all, which makes this calorie rule sort of ironic, but I'm not complaining), knowing more information about the food you're eating is an awesome step in the right direction.

My friend at work is eating an apple right now. I just finished a salad for lunch and now I want something sweet. So I'm having my boss get my a cookie while she's out. Hmm. That apple is obviously the better choice. But I want the damn cookie. And I just had a healthy salad. I wonder if I can let the cookie be my one sweet treat for the day and eat fruits, veggies, and lean meats the rest of the day. I bet I can. Let's give it a whirl (cuz I'm obviously eating the cookie...ahem..) and then later tonight after my rehearsal, before meeting up with Kevin, I'll go to the gym and do something physical for 45 mins.

Practice makes progress...

I'm a fan of life, generally. And I try to surround myself with people who feel the same. But regardless, it often gets in the way of my best-laid plans to eat well and exercise.

My friend Emily, who actually just returned to blogging about healthy-living after a hiatus, had this very experience this past weekend. A new baby was welcomed into her family - very exciting - and she spent several days with her family enjoying the celebration. And of course, there was food. Naturally, everyone can relate to this. Part of the social and cultural experience of being alive involves eating and drinking with your friends and family. Food is so incredibly yummy and makes people feel so good, of course we'd want to gather in groups to consume it and of course when we're in groups, we're going to figure out ways to consume it together.

(Incidentally, Emily was the first blogger I ever read. She had a weight loss blog before practically anybody did - at least that's what I experienced in my small frame of reference. She was a huge inspiration for a lot of people when she first started her blog, which documented her weight loss journey. She had a ton of success, lost a ton of weight, and totally transformed her whole life. I definitely know at least a dozen women who began blogging about their weight loss because Emily did it first. She rules.)

So, today is Tuesday, my weigh-in day. I haven't weighed-in because my scale is dead. Gah! The battery, a lithium one, is yet again drained. I swear I'm running through these lithium batteries like it's my job. And they aren't cheap. What scales do you guys use? Do the batteries go quickly? I need to reinvest, I think.

Anyway, this past week was not awful, nor stellar. Pretty middle of the road. There was a lot of little stuff going on - I did four shows, we went to a birthday party, saw a live show, it was super warm this weekend, etc. etc. Lots of tempting reasons to eat and not exercise.

I didn't exercise nearly as hard as I had the week prior. I still got in four workouts, and two of them were nice long runs, but it was not nearly as much exercise as I'd hoped for. I hope to improve that this week. Now that I'm back in the running groove, hopefully the workouts themselves will be more effective even if the time spent isn't quite as long.

I definitely encountered several eating hurdles. Or, more accurately, drinking hurdles. I went out for drinks on Wednesday after an improv show, Friday after an improv show, and Saturday for Katie's birthday. I didn't drink TOO much - just wine and a couple gin and sodas one night, but it was still much more than I'm used to. I also went with some friends to see a comedy show on Sunday night (incidentally, Sunday was 4/20, so there was some mindless eating in that regard as well) and the restaurant we went to (thank you, Sarah, that place was awesome) had such a huge menu with lots of good lookin' shit on it. And I got something yummy and didn't look back.

I don't really know what the scale's saying right now - I haven't been on it in a few days due to the battery fiasco. It was down earlier in the week, but who can say. But I kinda like that I don't know. Because now I can just judge my past week based on my actions, not on a number.

So, overall, okay exercise, but I didn't have enough time to get in what I really wanted to get in. And okay food. I need to go easy on the sweets and limit the alcohol this week. I'm not a big drinker as it is, so I don't mind avoiding it this week. A little sugar detox, if you will.

I will say, though, that I had several salads this week, which I hardly ever do. It was nice and warm outside, I was needing veggies, so I got salad. Then I got it again and again. I'm enjoying it and am going to try to start making them from home (to save the $10 a pop). So that is definitely a good thing. More veggies = always best.

Oh and I went over flex by about 30 this week. Not the 10 I'd hoped for. And not the 24 over I did last week. But not that 42 over I've been known to do either. Fine. I"ll just keep fucking plugging away. Grrr.

I'll try to get a battery (or a new scale) in the next few days. In the meantime, I'm thrilled it's a "new" week for me. It always brings so much possibility with it. I hope to get in four cardio sessions, some lifting and pilates, and I'll keep working to get that flex number closer to ZERO. Nothing too difficult is in the books right now for the week ahead, in terms of food. We are going to a BBQ on Saturday (hi, jeff) but I have a feeling there will be plenty of healthy things to eat. BBQs are usually good like that. :)

Just got back from the dentist. My face is numb. Eating is a struggle. Alas. I won't write about it here, I already wrote enough about it in my regular blog. (Link on the right.)

So. Things are going well on this front. Weigh-in was today. Lost a pound. Not great, but I'll definitely take it.

The last several weeks, I've shown an increase in exercise. I was doing the bare minimum when I got serious about losing a few pounds back in January and I've since upped it a lot. But I think that increase in exercise also caused me to be hungrier (naturally) because even though I've been working out a lot more lately, I've also been going over my flex points each week, as I've mentioned time and again. So it sort of balances itself out and results in minimal or no weight loss.

I would say that this past week was my first week in quite some time of working out really hard AND eating closer to how I should be eating. For example, last week I went over flex points by 42. FORTY-TWO! Wow, I didn't realize it was that high. Yeeps. And this week I only went over by 24. That might still sound like a lot but it's huge progress for me. The last several weeks, including the week I was on vacation in Florida, have been, in retrospect, eating fests. I really don't FEEL like I'm eating that much! That's the funny thing. I make sacrifices every day, scale back on portions all the time, make healthier choices whenever possible. But the numbers show it. I've just gotten used to eating at this "maintenance" level, which would be great if I were hoping to maintain my weight, but I'm not. I'd like to lose ten pounds so I can have a goddammed plate of nachoes or a bottle of wine from time to time and feel like there's some wiggle room there.

So anyway, this past week was much better. I earned 21 APs (activity points for those non-weight watchers - you earn them when you exercise and you can eat some more food based upon them) which is the most I've earned since January 1. Like I said before, I've been conservative with how many APs I reward myself, (thank god, since I've been eating so many points) so I've probably earned more each week than I give myself credit for. But this past week was pretty good in terms of exercise. I exceeded my goal of working out twice over the weekend. I had an excellent workout on Friday night (some running and lifting), on Saturday my friend and I took a lesiurely walk around my neighborhood, but we walked for three hours straight! So that was really good. Then Sunday, Kevin and I popped into the gym while we were visiting his parents for a quick workout. Yesterday, Monday, was great too. I ran for 45 consecutive minutes outside after work. It's the longest I've run in months. It was great and my body and brain loved every second. It's amazing how quickly my body built back up to being able to run for longer periods.

I'm determined to make this week another great one. I'm really feeling my groove at the gym again. Having Kevin there, even if only in spirit, has made a huge difference. It's so nice to know he's working out too. So I don't see the workouts being a problem this week. I'll take today off, though. Sore and tired from last night's run.

Food - I think I can get it down to 10-over-flex, down from 24-over-flex this week. That means plenty of fruits and veggies, healthy filling breakfasts, bring lunches from home, and avoid fried foods and sugary crap. I will lick this if it kills me. Okaaaay.

Here we go.

quickleeee

I'm at Kevin's, heading out the door to meet friends at my house for the painting extravaganza... but I wanted to post a quick update.

Last night was a big success for me, health-wise. I went to the gym after work...I was really looking forward to being there. I'd had a difficult and rainy day and I was exhausted and I just wanted to meditate in that way that exercise allows you to.

I started lifting, and lifted for 25 minutes, when some personal trainer guy came down to the weights area, which had thinned out considerably, but it's Friday night, so I wasn't surprised. He said, "We close at 8." And I looked at the clock and it was 8:05. Fuuuuck. The best laid plans, right? I hadn't even gotten to do half of the workout I had planned. I was pissed to say the least. But THEN he said, you can go to the 24 hour location on 52 and Broadway.

So I did! I went upstairs, got my shit, and left the gym. I was a little concerned about time, because I had to meet a friend at 9:30, but I figured there was still plenty of time to get some cardio in. So I walked the couple blocks to the other gym (I go to NYSC which is like the Starbucks of gyms in NYC. There's one on every corner, it seems.) and arrived only a couple minutes later, still feeling the tingle from my lifting.

I put my shit in the locker room and hurried back out to the equipment, finished lifting (another ten mins) and then got on the treadmill and ran for 20 minutes straight. Yes!! It wasn't nearly as hard as it was last time I ran for 20 straight, which I did about a week and a half ago. I've been running since then, but not all at once...I've been mixing it up with walking, i.e. two minutes running, one walking. So it felt really good to do 20 in a row and it made me really feel like I've made some good progress physically in the last week. (It also cracks me up that I used to do 60 minutes of running without batting and eye and now 20 is a push. Oh, body.) Then I hiked for 10 minutes, stretched, and got the hell out of there.

I walked into the bar at 9:30 on the nose. Nice. I had a couple drinks with my friend (I chose vodka and soda, which I never have, but I wanted the buzz and fewer calories) and some chicken satay for protein and mini pizza, which was gross so I scraped the awful awful cheese off it and just had the pita bread and sauce underneath. Kev showed up a while later, my friend left soon after that, and Kev and I finished our drinks and headed home. I made some popcorn when we got here, just to curb the munchie feeling, had a tiny bit of it and some water and was exhausted. Fell into bed around 2:30.

Good night. Didn't go over points at all!! Really proud of that. And the workout was lovely.

Now I'm headed home to queens to paaaaint, bitches.

Staring down the weekend....

Twenty more minutes until the end of the workday. I'm going to meet a friend for drinks at 9:30 after I hit the gym for a nice long workout. I really need this workout. I've been a grump today - tired and irritable.

I said to Kevin, I think I'm depressed today. He says, Go to the gym!

Who is this man? I love it.

Things are going okay this week, food-wise. I'm doing my best. I've been trying to integrate some of this mindfulness about eating too much sugar/empty crap, which causes hunger and a desire for more sugary crappity. It hasn't actually effected the amount of points (calories) I'm eating in a day yet, but I've been eating more nutritious stuff, so hopefully after a couple weeks of this mindfulness, it will result in consuming less food overall. I've been eating more fruits and veggies, healthier breakfasts, and avoiding fried stuff, so all in all, it's progress.

It's funny to be going around in these same circles, mentally, about how/what to eat that I was in when I first embarked on the weight loss journey. I feel like I could have written the exact paragraph above five years ago. I'm not disappointed by it at all, I don't expect myself to be cured of my desire to nosh just because I've done this all before. I know that this is how the human mind works, in fact. It has to retrace the same pattern dozens and dozens of times before a new groove gets carved out and a new habit is formed. And even then, the old groove is right there waiting for you to slip up and return to its seductive clutches. Blah blah blah, just eat a goddammed apple, ya know?

It's Friday today and I've only worked out on Wednesday of this week so far. So this weekend will probably involve a couple good workouts to make up for it. Sunday, Kevin and I are going to his parents house to hang with the fam/see the nephew. I'm looking forward to it. I enjoy their company and that baby is just to die for. He calls me Jem. Have I mentioned that yet? If not, I'm surprised. Because I've told everyone else who will listen. It's just too precious. His mom, Kevin's sister Lisa, told Kevin that he's been calling every woman he meets lately "Jem." Couldn't you just die over that? It's the sweetest. I want him to live at my house, this baby. But only for a week. ;)

ANNNNYway...I'm planning to paint my bedroom tomorrow, which is good for the ol' bod. And I'll hopefully get to exercise with Kev afterwards. Then Sunday morning we're slotted to play tennis with his dad when we get to Rockland. Should be lovely. Not much of a serious workout, but movement nonetheless. If it's nice out, maybe I'll go for a run in the evening.

Weekends always present food challenges. Tonight will hopefully be easy to navigate. Going to the gym before going out will put me in a healthy mindframe. I'll have a couple drinks afterwards, but nothing too heavy, and a light dinner. And Sunday will of course be tough food-wise too. Family. Brunch. Spreads of food. It's not ideal. But I'll live. My goal is to get through this weekend having worked out at least twice and having eaten within my points each day. It can be done. I know it.

Grrrr.....

The commenter to the post below is correct. I need to be more mindful of the types of foods I'm eating if I want to avoid being extremely hungry and without the points to feed that hunger at the end of every day. That's going to cause overeating every time.

Again, that stupid fine line between eating what's good for your body and eating what you WANT rears its annoying head.

I've been mindful today. Naturally, because why could it be easy, I'm very hungry anyway. But the first day "off" too much useless food is always difficult.

(Don't get me wrong, I'm not gonna stop eating useless food, but I do want to eat a bit less of it for a while. I think I won't be so hungry all the time.)

I gymmed at lunch - 25 mins on the 'mill. Nothing extreme, but it's all I had time for. I can't wait to eat dinner, I'm seriously ravenous, despite eating good stuff today.

I'm irritated by the whole mess.

As expected, the scale was up this morning, weigh-in morning, almost certainly due to the mexican fiesta I participated in on Sunday night. What can you do, right? I gained a pound this week. Who really cares, I know I'm making over all progress. I'll just keep telling you guys that so I can keep telling myself.

I didn't workout last night, I was too tired/recovering from my hangover. I went straight home after work (due to a cancelled rehearsal, which was lucky for me) and slept the night away. I woke up feeling pretty good this morning.

I've been snacky again today. I started out the day very well with some whole grain toast, a tiny bit of peanut butter, and a banana. I felt full. Then we got free lunch at work. I opted to order a chicken sandwich and fries. It sounds unhealthy, but I think I might have ended up eating even more points had I ordered either of the other two options (sushi or salads). I find that when I go for one of those options and I'm eating out I end up using 9-14 points ANYway. Silly. So I got the chicken burger and fries and only ate about 1/4 of the fries and considered that I was employing that "I Can Make You Thin" guy's method of eating what I want. I think his stuff makes sense. And I did enjoy the meal.

But then I wanted something sweet in the afternoon. And I had eight points worth of sweets. It wasn't intentional. I didn't realize how many points were in the chocolates I ate. :( But I didn't exactly double check before eating them either. That will forever be my downfall: I love sweet stuff and could eat a whole meal of it.

The reason I'm detailing all this a bit more than usual is because I'm trying to get to the bottom of what's causing my weekly over eating. This past week was another week of not-ideal eating and really great exercise. It's the best exercise I've had in months, in fact. So it's disheartening that I might have impeded that progress by overeating. (Birthday party. Like I said, I don't regret it. But still.) I'm hoping to pay a bit more attention to my habits each day so I can make some small changes that might pay off in the long run. I think the sweets is an important thing to note. Perhaps also it might be better if I could have some more protein at breakfast.

So I suppose something I should work on this week is decreasing the sweets and increasing the fruits and veggies and lean proteins. This is histortically difficult for me - especially if I'm operating in that "i deserve" mindset. I deserve sweets. Well, true. I do. But I also deserve to be healthy and well-fed from a nutritional standpoint. So I guess I'm going to have to start practicing some more fruit-intaking.

My plan for tomorrow is to have protein in the morning, a frozen meal at lunchtime, something small for dessert, a snack of nuts and fruit in the afternoon, and maybe sushi for dinner.

I've already gone over my points for the day today by 5. And I haven't even had dinner yet. My plan is to get something relatively light for dinner - hopefully 8points or less - and then exercise after my rehearsal, reducing some of the damage. Today is the first day of my new week and I really want to get off to a good start, but eating all your points plus five more before 7pm isn't a good start. I think I can clean it up, though, with a little mindfulness.

DAMN YOU SCALE. You get me every fucking time.

Weigh-In Eve

So, it's been another interesting week for me. Up until last night, in fact, I'd had one of the better weeks I'd had in a while in terms of WW. I'd exercised four times, including several cardio sessions that included running, which has been a welcome re-edition to my exercise routine. Best of all, finding ourselves with a few hours to kill yesterday afternoon, Kevin and I ended up meeting at the gym in between activities. We totally motivated each other to do a nice 50 minutes on the treadmill, over 30 of which were running for both of us. This is awesome for him. And for me. But it's a huge achievement for him - he just started exercising two weeks ago.

That workout was particularly great. And my eating all week, although by no means perfect, was better than it had been in weeks prior. I went into last night's birthday dinner for my roommate with a pretty good record for the week. But then we ate and drank to our heart's content and it looks like it'll be another week of using 35 more flex points than I'm allowed. Last night's dinner (including drinks) was 30 points on its own. So...basically...had I not gone to that dinner, I would have had a very OP week. But I wanted to go and I'm glad I went and I wouldn't trade it. So I think that's important to realize. If someone came up to me and said, "You will have a perfect week this week in terms of your healthy lifestyle, but as a tradeoff, you can't go to Daniel's birthday dinner," I would have said HELL no. So. That sheds some nice light on my priorities for me.

I wasn't too torn up about the 30 point meal to begin with. I never am anymore, devastated after I eat something I shouldn't. It's life.

I'm not sure what to expect on the scale at tomorrow's WI. But I don't particularly care. It would be nice to see a loss, but I did so well this week that I'll use that as my yard stick, not the scale.

Cookies, donuts, and how life ain't fair.

I ran again yesterday at the gym. I ran 20 and walked 10. It went by in a flash - as I was just trying to get it over with - and I didn't even realize I'd done it once it was over.

The scale, which I've been avoiding getting on for the last couple days due to PMS, was UP big time this morning. Annoying, but could be any number of things. I'm having an okay week so far.

There was a time when WW wasn't this hard for me. It makes sense - when you first start out on a major weight loss effort, you can tell yourself time and again that it's a "lifestyle change" and that you can never go back to your old, mindless ways. But in those first few weeks/months, somewhere deep in your mind, as you're eating more fruit than you would have ever dared so much as look at in your old life, as you're drinking more water than you think your kidneys can process, as you're going to sleep a little bit hungry each night, you daydream about a day when you can return to eating whole pizzas by yourself and having bags of doritos as a snack. You know it's likely never going to be possible to fully live that way again - and who'd want to. It brought along a great deal of misery. But you still hold on to the possibility that you won't always feel like a rabbit munching away on his leafy greens and carrots, that you might someday again be able to eat a bowl of mac n' cheese on a rainy afternoon with the rest of society and not have to cut off an inch of hair to make up for it on the scale.

And that day DOES eventually come in some form or another. No, you can't eat a whole pizza or a container of general tso's chicken or whatever you want from McDonalds every day. But you eventually get to a place, after you've lost the weight and gained the good habits, where you feel like you can have a donut without feeling like you shouldn't. You know you've earned that donut. You've spent hours and hours, weeks, months, years even, of sweating, counting calories, saying no thank you to sweets during the holidays at work - you've earned a guilt-free donut from time to time.

After almost six years following this plan, I'm at that point with it - and have been for quite some time. I've earned a donut. I used to be FAT. VERY fat. I'm now normal. I can wear clothes that other people wear, I can fit in airplane seats, I can ride rollercoasters, I'm in a happy, healthy relationship with an attractive guy. And I worked hard to get to this place. I worked hard for years. I said no to things I wanted and went to the gym when I would have rather been any place else. I knew while I was losing the weight that if I wanted to maintain it, I'd eventually have to learn to live life without as much restriction as I used to lose it. But I also knew I couldn't get the weight off to begin with if I didn't restrict myself more than I would have if it were really the rest of "forever."

It's now very hard for me to be as restrictive as I used to be. I don't feel like I have some kind of "fat debt" to pay off anymore. When I was in the process of losing the weigh, people would ask me if it was hard to change my eating habits; I used to say, "I've spent years eating everything imaginable. I can stand a few years of eating a little less." It felt like penance almost for my sins. I ruined my body for a long time, I had to pay back a little bit to the health bank. And in turn, I'd get to be thin again. Under that structure, I think I've paid off that fat debt by now. I think I've avoided restaurants and "drinks" out with friends and parties with free food for long enough to have paid off that debt. And now I just want it to all balance out. I want to workout sometimes and eat well sometimes. And I want to do NOTHING sometimes and eat a donut sometimes.

But the one snag in that plan is that still want to lose 15 pounds.

And you can't lose pounds when you're maintaining your weight with the above-mentioned donut balance. Apparently I've yet to get this through my head.

Even though, I'd never been SUPER restrictive, EVER, as I lost my weight, I'd still been more restrictive than felt good at times. But I'm human. And I don't want to do that anymore. I did it for years. That's long enough. So we go this route. This route where I do what I want when I want and work sorta hard but not too hard the rest of the time and hope for the best. And I guess what that amounts to is losing 1 pound a month.

Fine.

Right?

Who knows. It has to be fine. Because it's what is.

That said, I had a bit of a mini-breakdown at the gym yesterday after my short workout. A fat-girl breakdown the likes of which I haven't experienced in quite some time.

I was standing in the locker room checking a text message and I realized I was across from a full-body mirror so I glanced up. Now, maybe it was a fat mirror, maybe I was standing in a really relaxed way (i.e. not sucking in at all), or maybe I was really bloated from my period (sorry boys) or from having just ran/drank a lot of water. But whatever it was, it was not a flattering imagine. And I got very upset. Disgusted almost. I looked around at the other girls in the locker room and felt so alone. They all looked perfect. I thought nothing about how unrealistic I was being or how hard it is to live in a town full of stick-thin models or how far I've come or how I know I look perfectly fine walking through my life day to day. Those positive thoughts, as near your mind as they may be in moments like those, cannot save you from feeling blue when it sneaks up on you like that. I looked in the mirror and I was filled with a familiar, old rage, a helplessness, a feeling of "it's so unfair!" and a feeling of worthlessness. I haven't felt that way in years. Intellectually, I remembered how different my life is now and how unhelpful those feelings are. I also remembered how when I was fat I would soothe those feelings by going straight to Wendys. I haven't done that in years either. But regardless it put a cramp in the rest of my evening. When I looked in the mirror I wanted to punch myself over and over or something else equally destructive for being such a failure. I just felt bad. It was fascinating.

And to think, I used to feel that way almost every second of the day. ..It's amazing to recall, really.

All I can do is to keep working on it. And also, almost more importantly, I have to try to remember that I am not my physical flaws. I can feel good about who I am and what I offer the world (and I do regularly feel good about that) without always feeling good about how I look in jeans.

But that's not an emotional healing that's going to come overnight. I've already come very far with that healing in six years. And the rest of the healing will probably be something I'm working on for the rest of my life. In the meantime, I'm going to eat fewer cookies and see what happens. Ugh.

To Run.

I've been really busy at work today but I had to take a break to write briefly about my exercise last night.

I ran for the first time in probably two months. It was really nice. It was HARD. Harder than I ever remember it being. But it was nice.

I used to run all the time. I've never been a race-runner, never trained for a marathon or anything so heroic, but I was a pretty dedicated runner for quite some time nonetheless. I always felt that even though I also love walking as a form of cardio, running always brought my body/mind to an elevated place I couldn't quite achieve with walking or hiking. Not to mention I walk easily 7-10 miles a day in my NYC life as it is. My body's pretty used to the walking. So I looked to running to bring me to a different place that I couldn't get to through other exercise and to make my body, lungs, and heart stronger. All runners will tell you about the meditative state they achieve after a certain amount of time into the run and I always had the same experience. I still feel like I'm in a meditative state during any kind of exercise, but running is slightly different. You're in a zone unlike anything else.

I set out last night to jog to the gym near my apartment because it's a quick jog and it just seemed easier/faster than walking there. I'm not sure why I thought it would be easier, it certainly wasn't. But it was faster and I wanted to elevate my heartrate before my latenight lifting session (went to gym around 10pm). And frankly I just didn't want to spend the time on the treadmill at the gym getting my heartrate up with an incline hike. Running, when I hadn't done so in a couple months, seemed like the sneaky way out of doing more cardio than I wanted to do.

As soon as I started out on the run I was shocked by how difficult it was to move my body like that. I exercise all the time and have been consistent with my exercise for 5 years, not to mention I used to be a runner! But a few months away from it apparently made my body forget entirely. I wasn't bummed out by how difficult it was, I was actually encouraged to get back into the running game, at least every now and again.

When I got to the gym 7 minutes later, it didn't feel like enough. My body was tingling and I was craving more so I hopped on the treadmill and finished out 20 minutes. It was still REALLY hard. The whole time I was on the treadmill the seconds seemed to be passing like molasses and I wanted to quit the moment I started, but I finished the 20 minutes and I'm glad I did. It felt really good. Then I did a nice lifting session and walked home.

I'm not planning to get back up to my hour-long runs anytime soon. I think it might be a bit too hard on my body and I also don't have the time to commit to it. And as I've learned with my running, if you can't commit the time to building up your endurance, it's going to suck every time you start over. But I would like to add back in 10-40 minute stints here and there for a little variety. Not every day. But every once in a while. My body was certainly shocked to be moving in that way again last night and we all know variety is the KEY to effective exercise. ;) We all know that, right?

So that's that. I'll have some time tomorrow night to workout, only about an hour though, so I plan to do some light lifting, some pilates, and 30 minutes of cardio. We'll see how long within that 30 minutes I can run.

I forgot to add! My boyfriend started working out!! This is hugely great news for several reasons:
1. He hasn't actively exercised in years and I worry about his health because I'm a nice jewish mother. I can already notice a difference in his moods and sleep habits.
2. When he didn't work out it was hard for me to gather up the motivation to go myself as often as I want to. "If he's not doing it, why should I be?" I'd usually go anyway, but sometimes I wouldn't. It's so much easier to suck it up now that I feel like he can relate.
3. It's something new and fun we can do together. It's so rewarding to be able to both work towards certain goals and feel like we can support each other and share in the activity itself and the healthy lifestyle as a whole. We don't workout together all the time, he's been going by himself sometimes too, but when we go together it's fun.
4. I feel a little bit competitive with him, the newbie, about how much he's exercising. I've actually gotten up off my ass and headed to the gym on several occassions in the last week when I might not have if he hadn't already gone to the gym that day. The jerk. ;)

So all in all, it's a good thing and a nice positive addition to my healthy lifestyle pursuits. It's been a lovely change of pace. I told him he can't overdo it, burn out in a month, and quit on me, because I can't go back to doing it all alone. I know he won't though.

I haven't written because I haven't had much to say that seems noteworthy.

But here's an update:

Things were going very well in this regard before we went to Florida. Things are still going okay.

Florida was lovely - I certainly ate and drank more than I'd hoped to, but less than I could have, for sure. I was relatively restrained at almost every meal. I also exercised a lot while we were there! That was a big victory. I did a nice long session at the resort's gym one day, a walk on the beach another day, and a pilates class too. It was really nice and I was proud of myself for doing that. We got lots of sun and I felt pretty refreshed when we returned.

It was a bit difficult to jump back onto the healthy eating bandwagon when I got back to New York. Not impossible, but a bit difficult. I definitely overate a bit the week after the vacation too. This past week things were back to normal a bit.

I'm still eating over my flex points each and every single week like clock work. Some weeks it's 23 points over, one week (vacation week) it was closer to 50. 25-30 is the norm. That's that many points OVER my flex.

I'm not sure what this is about. There was a time when I could eat 35 flex points and no more each week without trouble. Granted, I almost always went 2-8 over, but nothing like 30. And that's the norm now.

Like I've mentioned before, exercise is going well. I have been earning 8-12 APs most weeks since January 1. I am extremely conservative with how many APs I call the workouts I do. I used to really over-estimate, I think, and what's the point of working out if I just gobble all those calories back up. So I'm conservative. For me, the 8-12 APs are 3-4 good workouts a week. I'm satisified with that.

So it's really just the extra eating I've got to work on. And as we all know, that takes time.

Today marks three months to the day since I started this challenge for myself back in January. I've lost 4 pounds (as of today - which I think is high from PMS, but that's the number we'll call it) total in these three months. It's really not great. But it's not bad. Same ol'. I do desire very much to put a larger dent in things, but practice makes progress and that's really all I can do.

It's very interesting to look back over the numbers of these last three months and see how consistently I eat each week, even if it's consistenly "over" my points. I'm a queen at weight maintenance. And lucky for me (and not lucky for my scale) I have a boyfriend who adores me and doesn't care if i never lose another pound. Great. Thanks a lot, Kev. ;)

So, like every day, like every Tuesday, like the beginning of every month, I have a chance to start over and work to keep things under control.

I've eaten all my points so far today and it's only 7pm. I splurged on Pad Thai at lunch. But that's okay. I'll go workout after work and have something very light for dinner. Sweets are the death of me lately. I can't get enough. Perhaps I can find a lo-fat option at the grocery store. I know I can. It's just choosing to do it.